Original subtitles

The life expectancy now is, uh,

72, I think, for men.

Seventy-five or six or something for women.

It's amazing to think that just a couple thousand years ago,

life expectancy was 30.

Which, in our terms, would mean

that you'd get your driver's license around 5,

you'd marry at 9, divorced at 15.

In your late teens, you move down to Florida.

I guess that's how spring break got started, I don't know.

Then, eventually, people are saying things about you

like, "Well, it's amazing.

"He's 28, but he's still very alert.

"He's 28, but he's still very alert.

"His mind is so sharp,

you would think you're talking to a 2-year-old."

Aw, what's the point?

[SIGHS]

When I like them, they don't like me.

When they like me, I don't like them.

Why can't I act with the ones I like

the way I do with the ones I don't like?

Well, you've only got another 50 years or so to go,

and it'll all be over.

Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.

Yeah. How about a mute?

A mute would be good.

A mute would be good.

Ah, where are you gonna meet a mute?

This is what my life has come to,

trying to meet a mute.

I don't know, Jerry. Something's missing.

There's a void, Jerry. There's a void.

A deep, yawning chasm.

There's got to be more to life than this.

What gives you pleasure?

Listening to you.

I listen to this for 15 minutes, I'm on top of the world.

I listen to this for 15 minutes, I'm on top of the world.

Your misery is my pleasure.

Hey, boys.

Hey, how you doing?

Good. Okay. Well, it's all set.

I start tomorrow.

Start what?

I signed up to do volunteer work

with senior citizens.

Really? ELAINE: Yeah.

God, I can't tell you how I feel.

I mean, I feel so good!

I really feel good!

The strange thing is,

I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet.

Volunteer work, huh?

What are you gonna do down there?

Well, they say all it is,

is you go over to their apartment,

and, I don't know, you take them out for a walk,

and, I don't know, you take them out for a walk,

you get a cup of coffee,

and it's supposed to make them feel good.

That's what I do with him.

When did you get this idea?

Last time I had lunch with you here.

You were going on and on and on

about how you wanted to meet somebody

who didn't speak English.

What, you break it in with her, then you try it out on me?

All right.

A-a-and anybody could do this?

Yeah.

Really?

Helping people.

Helping people.

Of course.

Of course!

It makes perfect sense.

How could I not be doing this?

I am gonna help somebody, damn it!

What about you? Nah, it's not for me.

Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you.

What kind of a person are you?

I think I'm pretty much like you...

only successful.

This is a wonderful thing you're doing.

They're so grateful

just to have someone to talk to.

And I can tell you that everyone who participates

finds the experience extremely rewarding.

Well, I feel better already.

I-- I'm feeling like a good person.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, what's your guy's name again?

Fields, Sidney Fields,

87 years old.

Wow, 87. Hmm. Yeah.

How about your guy?

Uh, Ben Cantwell, 85.

Uh, Ben Cantwell, 85.

Hmm! Huh?

You think we'll make it to that age?

"We"? No.

Hey. Hey.

So, what's up, diggety-dog?

George and I just signed up

with the senior citizens volunteer agency.

Same thing Elaine's doing.

Oh, that's too bad.

Now, don't say I didn't try to warn you.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Jerry, I'm surprised at you!

What? It's a con!

What? It's a con!

These agencies are usually a front

for some money-laundering scheme,

or they're bunco artists

bilking people out of their life savings.

Oh, yeah.

Where do you get this?

The alternative media, Jerry.

That's where you hear the truth.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

NEWMAN: Kramer?

Huh?

Kramer? Kramer!

Where are you? Kramer! Kramer!

Come on. I'm in here.

Come on.

There you are.

Yeah.

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

Jerry. George.

So did you ask him about the records?

What records? Uh, well, uh...

Newman and I are going partners,

selling used records.

Yoo! Yoo! Yoo! Yoo!

Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

You know Ron's Records down on Bleecker?

They pay big cash for used records.

Yeah, so we thought if you had

any of those big, you know, old-fashioned,

useless records just, you know, lying around--

We'll take them off your hands, free of charge.

We'll take them off your hands, free of charge.

Let me ask you something.

What do you do for a living, Newman?

I'm a United States postal worker.

Aren't those the guys that always go crazy

and come back with a gun

and shoot everybody?

Sometimes.

Why is that?

Because the mail never stops.

It just keeps coming and coming and coming.

There's never a let-up! It's relentless.

Every day, it piles up more and more and more!

You gotta get it out! The more you get out, the more comes in!

And then the bar-code reader breaks,

And then the bar-code reader breaks,

[GASPING] and it's Publisher's Clearing House day!

All right, all right, all right!

Just take the records. They're in the bedroom.

Take them. Take anything you want.

KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah.

Whoo! Whoo!

I'll give you five bucks.

BOTH: Five bucks!

Well, do you know how much

those records are worth?

Yeah, I do-- $5.

Those records are worth more than $5!

He's gypping us.

You're gypping us!

Well, what do you got here?

You know, you got Don Ho Live in Honolulu,

You got Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs.

You got Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs.

And you got Sergio Mendes. Now, come on!

Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following.

They follow him like a cult.

Yeah, he can't even walk down the street in South America.

Look, that's his problem, all right?

Now, you don't like it, too bad.

I don't like it.

I don't like it.

Well, then get the hell out of my store, all right?

You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money.

All right. We'll be back, Jack.

All right. We'll be back...

Jack.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. The agency sent me.

[SENEGALESE ACCENT] Agency?

Uh, yeah. Is this Sid Fields' residence?

Sid Fields.

What the hell is it?

Mr. Fields?

What?

Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. The agency sent me.

The agency?

What agency, the CIA?

No, no, the, uh--

Who let you in here?

Uh, the-- The woman--

Oh, her.

She steals from me,

She steals from me,

steals my money.

She said she doesn't speak English.

My ass, she doesn't speak English.

Plays that freakin' voodoo music,

tries to hypnotize me.

She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie

and then rob me blind.

Well, I wasn't born yesterday.

I might drop dead today,

but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday.

Now, get the hell out of my house.

But, Mr. Fields,

I'm here to spend some time with you.

I'm here to spend some time with you.

Oh, really?

Are you the boyfriend?

I know she's got a boyfriend.

Are you gonna kill me?

I'm an old man, for crying out loud!

You gonna kill an old man, you coward?

No, Mr. Fields, look, really. Here's my identifi--

I can't read that, you fool.

What's all this stuff?

Trash, garbage.

You're throwing this out?

I believe that's what you do

with garbage, you idiot.

You don't want any of this?

Well, if I wanted it,

I wouldn't be throwing it away,

would I, Einstein?

You know, I have some friends

that would really love to have these.

Well, take it.

I sure as hell

am not gonna give it to my family.

Well, uh, do you want to go out

and go for a walk, get a cup of coffee? With you?

I'd rather be dead.

Well, maybe I'll get going, then.

I just remembered I've got an appointment

to get my, uh... tonsils out.

Good! Thank God!

Good! Thank God!

Good riddance.

Oh, listen.

Uh, before you go,

would you mind changing my diaper?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I feel great for 85.

You know,

the average lifespan for an American male

is, like, 72.

You're really...

kind of pushing the envelope there.

I'm not afraid of dying.

I never think about it.

You don't?

Boy, I think about it a lot...

I think about it at my age.

Imagine how much

I'll be thinking about it at your age.

All I'll do is just keep thinking about it

till it drives me insane.

I'm grateful for every moment I have.

Grateful?

How can you be grateful when you're so close to the end?!

When you know that any second, poof, bammo,

it could all be over!

I mean, you're not stupid.

I mean, you're not stupid.

You can read the handwriting on the wall.

It's a matter of simple arithmetic,

for God's sake.

I guess I just don't care.

What are you talking about?

H-how can you sit there and look me in the eye

and tell me that you're not worried?

Don't you have any sense?! Don't you have a brain?!

Are you so completely senile

you don't even know what you're talking about anymore?!

What--?

W-w-w-wait a second. Where are you going?

Life's too short to waste on you.

W-w-wait, please.

Get out of my way.

Get out of my way.

But...

But, Mr. Cantwell, you...

You owe me for the soup.

Mrs. Oliver?

Yes, my dear.

Oh!

What's the trouble?

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yes.

Yeah.

It's my goiter, isn't it?

Did you--? Did you say "goiter"?

Wha--? What goiter?

This football-shaped lump

jutting out the side of my neck.

Oh.

That goiter.

Hey...

[CHUCKLES]

What do you know?

Does it bother you?

Bother me? Oh!

Pfft.

Why would a little goiter like that bother me?

No, not a bit.

It's nothing. It's nothing.

It's, um-- in fact, It's, um-- It's very distinctive,

you know, um...

I mean, you want to know something? I--

I wish I had one.

Really.

JERRY: Come on, Elaine. It's just a goiter.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I can't look the woman in the face.

I mean, I keep thinking

that goiter's gonna start talking to me.

You'd think that they'd mention

something like that

before they sent you over there.

"Oh, by the way,

this woman almost has a second head."

But, no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.

They really should mention that

in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.

in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter.

You know, you try to do some good,

you want to be a good person,

but this is too much to ask.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you, I'd rather talk

to a goiter with a nice disposition

than the nut they sent me to.

Hey, Georgie, what happened with your guy?

I don't think it's gonna work out.

What do you mean?

He fired me.

What?

He fired you?

How do you get fired from a volunteer job?

I don't know.

I was just talking to the man, and he walked out on me.

I was just talking to the man, and he walked out on me.

Well, I don't know about you two,

but I'm quitting.

I hate my guy.

He's a mean, mean guy.

I wish I could quit.

So quit.

Yeah. I'm a great quitter.

It's one of the few things I do well.

I come from a long line of quitters.

My father was a quitter.

My grandfather was a quitter.

I was raised to give up.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Well, here's your albums.

What happened?

Five dollars. He offered us $5.

I mean, what kind of stuff are you listening to?

You embarrassed me at that store.

That guy thought we were a couple of total squares.

Oh, yeah, you and your Sergio Mendes.

Hey, hey, hey.

That guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America.

Well, you should've seen the pile of albums

this old guy I was visiting today

was throwing away--

Sinatra, Duke Ellington,

Al Jolson, Benny Goodman.

Wait, wait, wait. Now, he's throwing them out?

I asked if my friends could have them, and he said yeah.

I asked if my friends could have them, and he said yeah.

The old coot's sitting on a mountain of gold. Yeah. Shh.

But you have to get them. I'm not carrying them all.

But you're coming with us?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going there tonight.

You should see this housekeeper he's got.

She's from Senegal.

Wild, wild stuff.

Senegal?

So you don't speak any English at all?

English?

No. No.

Hey, what are those bums doing back there?

Well, you said they could come and take the records.

Well, you said they could come and take the records.

It's like watching a couple of hyenas

going through the garbage.

You don't speak any English?

No English.

I would like to dip my bald head in oil

and rub it all over your body.

You-- You don't understand.

It's a miracle!

You don't understand

because you-- You don't speak English.

So, Mr. Fields, I just don't know--

Hey! I don't like what's going on around here.

Hey! I don't like what's going on around here.

I want all of you bums out of here.

Now, calm down--

Don't tell me to calm down!

Please, Mr. Fields-- Get your hands off me!

Aw, cool it, pops.

Why, you little--

Wait, wait, Mr. Fields.

Mr. Fields...

Ah! He's biting me! Ah!

MR. FIELDS: My teeth!

My teeth!

Where's his teeth? Where's his teeth?

I thought I saw something fly over here.

Well, turn the light on.

[GRINDING]

That's the garbage disposal!

[GRINDING STOPS]

[RATTLING]

[RATTLING]

MR. FIELDS: My teeth!

You idiots!

Well, we'll take you to your dentist, Mr. Fields.

Where is your dentist?

Downtown! All right, George,

Kramer, look after Mr. Fields.

I'll go get the cab.

Bunch of morons.

Get over.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Where's the old man?

I thought that George

was keeping an eye on him.

Me? I thought you were.

All right. Come on. We lost the old man.

Let's go. Get out of the car.

Come on. We've got to find him.

He can't have gotten far.

He can't have gotten far.

Come on.

And we would take long automobile trips.

Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun.

Staring out the window.

Uh-huh.

You see a long view of rolling pastures.

[YAWNS]

Well, get you going, right there.

Brahman cows...

Brahman cows...

Oh, cows. Oh, that's...

That's when I...

Fascinating.

began my affair with Mohandas.

What?

Mohandas.

Gandhi?

Oh...

The passion.

The forbidden pleasure.

You had an affair with Gandhi?

He used to dip his bald head in oil...

and rub it all over my body.

Here. Look.

Oh, my God.

The Mahatma?

KRAMER: We're supposed to be out there looking for the old man.

NEWMAN: Oh, we will. We will.

NEWMAN: Oh, we will. We will.

Twenty bucks.

Twenty bucks?

Are you out of your mind?

Well, take it or leave it.

Take it or leave it?

We got Al Jolson here! Al Jolson!

Al Jolson?

What the hell do I care about Al Jolson?

I'd just as soon hear you sing "Mammy."

This guy is nothing but a piece of crap.

You are nothing but a piece of crap.

What'd you call me?

A piece of crap.

A piece of crap.

I find you extremely ugly.

I find you extremely ugly.

I find you extremely ugly.

Do you?

You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.

You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.

Oh, is that right?

I loathe you.

I loathe you.

That's it! You get out of my store!

Make us!

Make us. M-m-make us.

I'll make you!

Calm down.

Wait a minute. Wait! Wait!

[SCREAMING]

Do you realize how irresponsible this is?

Well-- Our agency's sole purpose

is to care for senior citizens,

and in one fell swoop,

you have single-handedly destroyed our reputation.

you have single-handedly destroyed our reputation.

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Yes, but...

Uh, yes?

It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son.

Uh, all right. Come on up.

Oh, great...

I-- I don't know what happened.

we were just trying to take him to the dentist.

Why were you taking him to the dentist?

Uh, well, his false teeth got mangled up

in the garbage disposal.

What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal?

Well, after he bit my friend--

Bit your friend?!

What the hell is going on here?

What the hell is going on here?

How do you lose a human being?

Well, I-- I am sorry--

And who were these other people?

What were they doing in the apartment?

Well, I brought them up there to take his records.

Take his records?

Do you realize how valuable that record collection is?

There you are. Did you find him?

Nah. Uh, you know, we took the old man's records

over to Ron's, and he tried to screw us,

and then we got into a fight.

It was a real melee.

Yeah, a real brouhaha.

Then all the records broke.

The records?

The records?

My father's records?

Uh-- Did anybody try and call him?

Yeah, I called, but there's no answer.

Well, the line's busy now.

The line's busy. He must be home.

[WILD, EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

W-w-we, uh...

We-- We couldn't find him.

What the hell's the point?

When you like them, they don't like you,

and when they like you, you don't like them.

Oh, you don't know what you want.

You should see a psychiatrist.

Yeah, I got fixed up last week.

Yeah. I never would get "fixed up."

I go to pick her up,

and she opens the door,

and she's got this huge goiter

and she's got this huge goiter

growing out of the side of her neck.

It looked like a football.

Well, what did you do?

Well, we get to talking,

and as it turns out,

the woman knew Gandhi.

Huh.

We talked for hours.

Well, uh, are you gonna see her again?

We were getting along real good,

and then she made some tea.

Put some milk in it without asking me.

Now, that's a turnoff.

Ah, you don't need that.

Ah, you don't need that.

To me, the thing about old people

is that everything about them gets smaller.

You know, their bodies get smaller.

They move into smaller places.

They sleep less time.

They eat smaller meals.

Except the car.

The older they get, the bigger their car gets.

I've never understood that.

And old people have a way of backing out of the driveway.

You know what I mean?

They don't turn from side to side.

They just go, "I'm old. I've been waiting a long time.

I'm backing it out."

You know? "I'm coming back.

Watch out, buddy. I'm coming." You know?

Watch out, buddy. I'm coming." You know?

And you've got to watch out for them.

And then, once they get out there,

they drive so slowly,

and I would think the less time you have in life,

the faster you would want to go. You know?

I think old people should be allowed to drive their age.

If you're 80, do 80.

If you're 100, go 100.

They can't see where they're going anyway.

Let them have a little fun out there.