Original subtitles

Have you noticed that everything on planes is very tiny?

There's always tiny food, tiny liquor bottles,

tiny pillows, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny soap?

Everyone's in a cramped seat working on a tiny computer.

There's always "a small problem."

"There'll be a slight delay." "You'll be a bit late."

"If you could be a little patient!"

"We're just trying to get one of those little trucks

"to pull us up a little closer to the Jetway

"so you can walk down the narrow hallway.

"There'll be a man there in a tight suit,

"and he'll tell you

"you have very little time to make your connecting flight.

So move it!"

So move it!"

ELAINE: ♪ Bah, bah, bah Bah, bah ♪

♪ Boo boo da Bah bah ♪

♪ Bah da bum ♪

♪ Bah bah bah Wha-wha-wha-- ♪

Hey, could you do me a favor? Huh?

Could you shut up? [LAUGHS]

And open the window, please.

It's very hot in here.

You're wearing that heavy jacket.

All right, fine, I'll take it off. Grab the wheel.

No, Jerry, I don't want to do that.

Come on, just do it.

No, I don't like to do this. Elaine, just get it.

Jer-- My hand is stuck.

Okay, don't fool around.

My hand! My hand!

Don't, Jer-- All right, fine.

Don't, Jer-- All right, fine.

Ah! Elaine.

Hey, guess what. This window doesn't work.

I hate rental cars. Nothing ever works.

Window doesn't work, radio doesn't work,

and it smells like a cheap hooker.

Or is that you?

Gimme 10 bucks and find out.

So this worked out pretty good.

Them giving me an extra ticket, you know?

You get a free trip to St. Louis.

I did my gig. You got to see your sister.

Yeah, worked out good.

And here's the beauty...

What?

George is picking us up at the airport.

Get outta here. Why? Yep.

Get outta here. Why? Yep.

You know that awning outside my building? Yeah.

He's always bragging about his vertical leap,

so I bet him 50 bucks

that he couldn't touch the awning.

So, what happened?

[CHUCKLES] He didn't come within 2 feet of the thing.

[LAUGHING] He's waving at it.

So I told him

if he picks us up at the airport,

he wouldn't have to pay me.

Hey, how we doing on time?

Timed out perfectly.

Drop off the car, pick up the rental-car shuttle,

we walk right on the plane.

Wait up! Wait up!

Wait up! Wait up!

Sorry.

Wait! Wait!

MAN: See you later. MAN 2: See you.

Where you going?

Uh, JFK.

I need some small bills for a tip.

You got anything? Yeah. You want a 5?

Uh, gimme a 10.

You're giving him $10?

Well, we got three bags.

That's a pretty big tip.

That's what they get.

They don't get that much.

Let's ask him.

You can't ask him.

Let's see what he says.

Jerry, we don't have time for this.

Two seconds.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

My friend and I here were having a discussion.

We were just kind of wondering

what you usually get for a tip.

Depends on the person, depends on the bag.

Well, how about a couple people like us?

Two people like you? I wouldn't expect much.

You don't even look like you know what you're doing.

Come on, seriously.

Well, since you asked...

usually I get $5 a bag.

What?

That's right.

Five dollars a bag?

I don't think so.

Look, you asked, I told you.

You've got some nerve

trying to take advantage of us.

All right, look, we're late.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

You're lucky I don't report you.

Come on.

JFK...

Honolulu.

Wait up!

See, never be late for a plane with a girl.

Because a girl runs like a girl,

with the little steps

and the arms flailing out.

You wanna make this plane?

You gotta run like a man!

Get your knees up!

BOTH: The flight's been canceled?

BOTH: The flight's been canceled?

Everything into JFK is booked.

[BOTH GROANS]

No, wait, I have two seats into LaGuardia,

but they're not together.

It's boarding right now.

We'll take them. We're not gonna sit together?

So what? It's not that long. You'll read.

Well, what about George?

He's supposed to pick us up at Kennedy.

We'll call him. There's no time.

No time. Is there time?

There's no time. There's no time.

All right. We'll call him from the plane.

I have one seat in first class, and one in coach.

The price is the same

because your flight was canceled.

Oh. Oh.

Well, uh... Um...

I'll take the first class.

Jerry. What?

Jerry. What?

Why should you get the first class?

Elaine, have you ever flown first class?

No.

All right, then.

See, you won't know what you're missing.

I've flown first class, Elaine.

I can't go back to coach. I can't. I won't.

You flew here coach.

Yeah, that's a point.

All right, fine. I don't care.

If the plane crashes,

everybody in first class is gonna die anyway.

Uh, yeah, I'm sure you'll live.

Third row, right.

Oh! You're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.

Oh! You're in here, sir. Welcome aboard.

Bon voyage, Lainey.

Oh, excuse me.

Uh, excuse me, miss,

I think you're sitting in my seat.

What?

Yeah, 13C. That's me. Oh.

Sorry. Ah, it's all right.

Oh.

Ah.

I never check my bags.

Can't stand that waiting in the baggage area.

Yeah. Great. Yeah.

[QUIETLY] Oh, God...

help me.

Excuse me.

I think you're in my seat.

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

My mistake.

My mistake.

[QUIETLY] Thank you.

GEORGE: Hey, thanks for coming with me.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, what made you think you could touch that awning?

I...confused it with another awning.

Man...

So how we doing on time?

We're perfect.

I timed this out

so we would pull up at the terminal

exactly 17 minutes

exactly 17 minutes

after their flight is supposed to land.

That gives 'em just enough time

to get off the plane, pick up their bags,

and be walking out of the terminal

as we roll up.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I tell you, it's a thing of beauty.

I cannot express to you

the feeling I get from a perfect pickup.

What's going on? What are you doing?

What? The Long Island Expressway?

What're you getting on the Long Island Expressway for?

Do you know what the traffic'll be like?

This is a suicide mission!

Will you relax?

Oh, I had it perfectly timed out.

The Grand Central, the Van Wyck.

You've destroyed my whole timing!

You've destroyed my whole timing!

This is the best way to go!

Do you know what happens if I miss them?

I don't get credit for the pickup,

and I lose my 50 bucks.

George, there's no traffic at this time.

Now, come on, man.

Really?

If anything,

we'll probably get there early.

I'll have a chance

to go to the duty-free shop, huh?

The duty-free shop? Yeah.

[SCOFFS]

Duty-free is the biggest sucker deal in retail.

You know how much duty is?

Duty?

Yeah, "duty." Do you know how much duty is?

No, I don't know how much duty is.

No, I don't know how much duty is.

Duty's nothing. Mm-hmm?

It's like sales tax.

Well, I'd still like to stop at the duty-free shop.

♪ I like to stop At the duty-free shop ♪

♪ I like to stop ♪

BOTH: ♪ At the duty-free shop ♪

♪ I like to stop At the duty-free shop ♪

So he says, "Squeeze your breasts together,"

and I say,

"I thought this was an ad for shoes."

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh...

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

Is that the new Esquire?

Yeah.

Turn to page 146.

Oh.

Wow!

Coming out of the shower.

It's a good thing they gave you that washcloth

to cover yourself up.

What is this an ad for?

See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair?

Way in the background, out of focus?

Ah-ha...

How does it look on your side?

How does it look on your side?

Y--

Oh.

We'll get there.

ELAINE: Oh, look at this.

He's sleeping,

and I have to go to the bathroom.

Maybe he'll wake up soon.

What if my kidneys burst?

Is it worth it not to wake this man up

to damage a major organ?

I hope this disgusting slob

appreciates what I'm doing for him.

[GUM SQUISHING]

[GUM SQUISHING]

Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum.

That's helpful.

They're not here. You cost me 50 bucks!

Look at you, you run like a girl.

Come on, run like a man!

Lift your knees!

[MUTTERING]

Look, we're wasting our time here.

We're a half-hour late.

They probably took it off the board already.

No, there it is. There.

"133," and it's canceled.

Canceled?

Do I still get credit for the pickup?

I was here. Okay, come on.

Let's go check over at the ticket counter.

Let's go check over at the ticket counter.

There it is, honey. "Gate 18A, 8:30."

Did you see that guy?

No. What guy? That guy th--

He was standing right here. No, I didn't notice him.

Listen, you go over to the ticket counter.

I'm gonna stop in the gift shop,

pick up a copy of TIME magazine.

There's supposed to be a blurb about Jerry,

and I think he mentioned my name.

I know that guy.

Yeah--

Gotta get my TIME magazine.

I never miss my TIME...

Okay, get your magazine. Let's get outta here.

Okay, get your magazine. Let's get outta here.

Hey! Hey!

I was gonna take that.

Oh, uh...

Gee, I'm sorry. I got here first.

I don't care when you got here. I want the magazine.

Let's go. See, you don't understand.

There's a blurb about me in this magazine.

A blurb?

You're a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot.

GUARD: Okay, let's go. PRISONER: No, just give--

I want the magazine!

Heh, heh. Uh...no.

You know what I would do to you if I wasn't in these shackles?

But you are, Blanche.

You are in the shackles.

You little son of a...

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, I can't wait to read my TIME magazine.

Last copy too.

Maybe I'll read it tomorrow. In the park.

It's supposed to be a beautiful day.

Have a nice life... sentence, that is.

Oh, you...

They're on a different flight.

They're scheduled to land

in a half an hour, only at LaGuardia.

LaGuardia? All right, come on.

Wait a second. Come on.

Where do I know that guy from?

We gotta go. Come on.

ELAINE: Wake up, you human slug!

ELAINE: Wake up, you human slug!

Wake up!

Wake up!

[GASPS]

I can't hold it anymore.

Excuse me.

I've gotta go to the bathroom.

Oh, sheesh...

I've gotta go. I'm sorry.

Can you move that?

Would you move your seat up, please?

Hey! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Tsk, tsk.

Tsk!

Tsk, tsk!

Oh, my, that is refreshing.

Mmmm.

Would you care for some slippers?

Sounds lovely.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. May I?

Please.

Why, it's a perfect fit.

You must be Cinderella.

[BOTH LAUGH]

My name is not mentioned in this blurb.

That's it. It's Grossbard.

Can you believe this?

I am nowhere to be found in this blurb.

I knew that face looked familiar.

It's Grossbard.

Who's Grossbard?

When I lived

on Third Avenue and 18th Street,

20 years ago,

I had this roommate

who was always behind in his rent.

And one month, he asked me to loan him

his share of the rent, 240 bucks.

He took the cash and pfft! Disappears.

Well, I tried to find him.

I went to his girlfriend's house,

even his family.

even his family.

Uh-uh, never got that money back.

He screwed me!

And that's the guy, John Grossbard.

Kramer, come on.

It was 240 bucks 20 years ago.

No, I'm gonna turn around. I'm gonna get that guy.

No, no, no, you cannot turn around.

Let go of the wheel. You can't!

Kramer, you cannot abandon people

in the middle of an airport pickup!

It's a binding social contract.

We...

We must go forward...

not back.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Tia, did you see

all the flowers in that bathroom?

It's like an English garden in there.

They're beautiful.

They're gardenias, mostly.

I thought I smelled lilac.

Yes, there are a few of those too.

It's almost overwhelming.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking.

Due to equipment problems on the runway at LaGuardia,

we've been instructed by the tower

we've been instructed by the tower

to reroute and land at JFK.

[PASSENGERS GROAN]

We apologize for any inconvenience.

What did he say? What did he say?

Well...you're not gonna believe it.

What?

The plane's been rerouted back to Kennedy.

We got 45 minutes.

Let's go.

Listen to the bell, Grossbard.

It tolls for thee.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

We have some delicious Chateaubriand,

my personal favorite. Mm.

Or if you prefer something lighter,

a poached Dover sole in a delicate white-wine sauce

with just a hint of saffron.

Oh, saffron. That sounds good. Mm-hmm.

And today, we're featuring wines from the Tuscany region.

Tuscany! Tuscany!

Hi. Can I get to my seat?

Hi. Can I get to my seat?

[GROANS]

You're just gonna have to wait.

No, but I-- I'm right there.

You just passed it.

I'm sitting next to that guy.

You're not supposed to get up

during the food service.

Well, nobody told me that.

Look. This plane is full.

I got a lot of people to serve.

Now, please.

You're just gonna have to wait.

There it is. Gate 46.

We got plenty of time.

Grossbard's plane leaves in 10 minutes.

Grossbard's plane leaves in 10 minutes.

I still got time to catch him.

How are you gonna catch him?

He probably boarded the plane already.

Give me your credit card.

My credit card? Why?

Just give me the card. Don't ask any questions.

I'm not giving you my credit card

unless you tell me what it's for.

I'm gonna buy a ticket.

I'm gonna get on that flight.

What, are you nuts?

You're gonna spend more for the ticket

than you'll get back from Grossbard!

No, I'm not gonna use the ticket.

I'm gonna get my money, I'll get off the plane,

I'll turn your ticket in for a refund.

It won't cost you a dime.

Now, come on, give me the card.

Wait a minute. This is a great idea.

Here. Use this one.

I get frequent-flyer miles with every purchase.

I get frequent-flyer miles with every purchase.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Get two tickets.

As long as you're returning it anyway

for a refund, what's the difference?

I'll get double the bonus miles.

[CHUCKLES] Yes. Yes.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle,

and the flight attendant wouldn't let me get through.

There's no way to get around that cart.

You're not supposed to get up during the food service.

I'll try and remember that.

Shoot...

Shoot...

Oh...where's my meal?

He asked me.

But you were gone so long,

I thought you, uh, switched seats.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Um, I didn't get a meal.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

I would know if a tray of food

had been served to me.

Would you?

Yes!

Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.

A kosher meal? Mm-hmm.

I don't want a kosher meal.

I don't want a kosher meal.

I-- I don't even know what a kosher meal is.

I think it means

when a rabbi has inspected it or something.

No, no, it all has to do

with the way they kill the pig.

Come on, they don't eat pigs.

They do if it's killed right,

under a rabbi's supervision.

MAN: Oh, you know what?

I ordered the kosher meal.

Then why didn't you take it?

I ordered it six weeks ago.

I forgot.

You're eating my food!

Hey, I got earplugs to collect.

Do you want it or not?

Mmmm! Mmmm!

Mmmm! Mmmm!

Mmm, this is the best sundae I've ever had.

Oh, man. You know why?

They got the fudge on the bottom.

You see?

That enables you to control

your fudge distribution

as you're eating your ice cream.

I've never met a man

who knew so much about nothing.

Thank you.

Mmmm! Mmmm!

Mmm. More anything?

More everything!

More everything!

Hey. Look. I did good.

I got supersavers. Come on.

Supersavers? Are they refundable?

Huh?

You bought nonrefundable tickets. You idiot!

She talked me into it. She said it was the best deal.

Do you know how much this is gonna cost me?

I'll tell you what. I'll split it with you. Huh?

Uh, uh, uh...

Listen, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Hey. Hey.

Huh?

How about that, huh?

Excuse me?

Do you recognize me?

No.

Come on. 20 years ago.

What? 18th Street?

I don't know what you're talk--

Come on. Give me your money.

What? Where's your wallet?

Hey. Hey. Hey! The $240!

GROSSBARD: Hey! No!

MAN: Just a minute.

Hey!

MAN 2: Hey, buddy!

MAN 2: Hey, buddy!

[LATCH CLICKS] [SIGHS]

Whoa!

Kramer!

George!

Shh!

[QUIETLY] Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What? Oh.

No, nothing for me, thank you. I'm fine.

What is your name?

Elaine Benes.

[CHUCKLES]

You're going to have to go back to coach.

No, but there was nobody sitting here.

Yes, but you're still not allowed.

These seats are very expensive.

Oh, no, please don't send me back there. Please.

I'll do anything. It's so nice up here.

I'll do anything. It's so nice up here.

You know, it's so comfortable up here.

I don't want to go back there.

Please don't send me back there.

Oh, you got cookies.

You're gonna have to go back to your seat.

Okay, fine. I'll go back.

You know, our goal should be

a society without classes!

Do you realize the people up here are getting cookies?!

What is all the racket back there?

What is all the racket back there?

You know, you're trying to relax on the plane,

and this is what you have to put up with.

What is going on?

Oh, sir, this woman

tried to sneak into first class.

Well, you see, that's terrible. Mm-hmm.

The problem is

that curtain is no security.

There really should be a locking door.

You're right, and I'm so sorry.

I--I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Hey!

Come on, let go of me.

Look, I'm telling you,

I didn't do anything wrong!

That guy owes me 240 bucks!

That guy owes me 240 bucks!

Hey, listen, pal, you're in big trouble.

Nah...

Couldn't be.

Where are they, already?

I don't see them anywhere.

I don't see them anywhere.

I got my bags. I'm ready to go.

Yeah, you got your bags.

["ALOHA 'OE" PLAYING]

That was the worst flight

I've ever been on in my entire life.

Yeah, me too.

I'll call you.

Okay.

It's a business thing.

You guys ready?

Yeah. Yeah.

Where's George?

Uh...

[INAUDIBLE]

But I have to admit that I like flying.

I like those, uh... Those little bathrooms

that they have on the plane.

It's kind of like a small apartment

of your own on the plane.

You go in, close the door, the light comes right on.

You go in, close the door, the light comes right on.

It's like a little surprise party

every time you go in there.

But, uh, the worst way of flying, I think, is standby.

You ever fly standby? It never works.

You know, that's why they call it "standby."

You end up standing there, going, "Bye."

That didn't, uh...

Yeah.

So I was on this plane where the flight attendant--

It was her first day on the job,

so they didn't have a uniform for her yet,

and that really makes a big difference.

I mean, here's just some regular person

coming over to you, going,

"Would you mind bringing your seat back all the way up?"

"Who the hell are you?"

She says, "Well, I'm the flight attendant."

She says, "Well, I'm the flight attendant."

Oh, yeah, well, then I'm the pilot, all right?

So why don't you sit down? I'm about to bring her in.

[♪]