Original subtitles

There's no easy way to break off any relationship.

I think when you first start dating,

they ought to give you

three "Get out of relationship free" cards.

You know what I mean?

So you can just go up to the person and go,

"Uh, here you go. I'm sorry. I'll grab the tennis racket.

Don't even bother to get up. Have a good one. Sorry."

Which is fine, unless, of course,

the person you're in the relationship with

happens to have

an "Eight more months of guilt, torture, and pain" card.

"Uh, hold it. I've got a little something for you."

We're dead.

We're not dead. We are dead.

Come on, we got all day tomorrow

to come up with a story.

All day tomorrow?

We had a month and a half to come up with something.

We didn't do anything!

So we'll do it tomorrow.

Let me ask you this,

when's the last time you went skiing?

About six years ago.

I think you can take the lift ticket

off your jacket now.

Women like skiers.

So what? You can't meet anybody.

You're going out with Susan.

Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Right.

Hey, see those two women over there?

I almost dated the one on the right.

She's in the closet business.

The closet business?

What's the closet business?

What is it your business?

I'm interested.

She reorganizes your closet

and shows you how to maximize your closet space.

She looked into my closet.

So you thought she was good-looking

and figured this would be a good way to meet her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what happened?

So she mentioned she had a boyfriend,

and then it hit me--

and then it hit me--

What do I need more closet space for?

Hi, Marla.

Jerry!

George, Marla.

Marla.

George, Jerry, Stacy.

Stacy. Jerry.

George, Stacy. Stacy.

George.

George.

Jerry.

Marla.

Stacy!

So how was your trip to Berlin?

Trip to Berlin?

Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets.

Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets.

You said you were going to Berlin for a while.

Oh, right. Right.

The wall had just come down, and you told me

you wanted to be part of the celebration.

Yes. Yes, I did.

But you know, I was watching it on CNN,

and they covered it so well,

I thought, "Why knock my brains out?"

You know, my boyfriend went.

Really?

Yes, I told him all about you going,

and he got all excited and decided to go.

Oh, did he like it?

I don't know. He never came back.

Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago,

and they gave us the green light

and they gave us the green light

to go ahead and write a pilot.

In fact, we've got a big meeting with them tomorrow.

They gotta approve of the story

before we can write it.

Wow. What a great job, a writer!

Oh.

Not a bad way to earn a buck.

Sounds great.

Well, I tell you, Stacy,

it's a lot of hard work,

but it comes fairly easy to me.

Some people write symphonies.

This is my gift.

So you gonna go out with her?

I might.

What about Susan?

What? I'm not married.

I'm not allowed to go out with somebody else?

Depends.

Depends on what?

On many factors.

Like what?

Well...

How long you been seeing her.

What's your phone call frequency?

Are you on a daily?

Nah, semi-daily. Four, five times a week.

What about Saturday nights?

You have to ask her out, or is a date implied?

It's implied.

She got anything in your medicine cabinet?

She got anything in your medicine cabinet?

Might be some moisturizer.

Uh-huh.

Let me ask you this.

Is there any Tampax in your house?

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what you got here.

Yeah?

You got yourself a girlfriend.

Oh, no, no.

What, are you sure? A girlfriend?

I'm looking at a guy on a semi-daily

with Tampax in his house

and an implied date on Saturday night.

and an implied date on Saturday night.

I would like to help you out, but--

Do you believe my luck?

The first time in my life I have a good answer

to the question "What do you do?"

and I have a girlfriend.

I mean, you don't need a girlfriend

when you can answer that question.

That's what you say in order to get girlfriends.

Once you can get girlfriends, you don't want a girlfriend,

you just want more girlfriends.

You're gonna make a very good father someday.

Well, it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair.

That's it. I'm getting out of this thing.

Fine, break up with her,

but you know what this means, don't you?

No. What?

No. What?

The script, the pilot, the TV show, all over.

Why? What do you mean?

Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC

that's gonna make the decision

whether or not they pick up the show.

She's one of our biggest fans.

You drop her off,

you think they're gonna pick us up?

Oh, right.

Oh, no. Man...

You know, it's a very interesting situation.

Here, you have a job that could help you get girls,

but you also have a relationship,

but if you try and get rid of the relationship

so you can get the girls,

you lose the job.

You see the irony?

You see the irony?

Yeah, yeah, I see the irony.

All right, what-- what about this?

What if I could find some way to break up with her

so that she'll still like me

and it doesn't affect the deal?

Oh, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait. Hear me out. Hear me out.

Don't dismiss this.

You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss.

She's got a big crush on David Letterman.

I mean, a big crush.

She talks about him all the time.

Suppose I go up to David Letterman.

He works at NBC.

I work at NBC.

I work at NBC.

I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her.

They go out, they fall madly in love,

and she dumps me for David Letterman.

This is your plan?

No, no! I'm just thinking.

I don't think you are.

Well, let me tell you what I see.

Please, and be brutal. I have no closet sensitivity.

Are you very fussy about your pants?

Are you very fussy about your pants?

I don't think I am.

Because I have a very radical idea.

Can you handle it?

Try me.

Here's what I'm proposing.

We'll eliminate all this--

The hangers, the bar, the shelves--

and in its place, install a series of hooks.

We'll put everything on hooks.

Everything?

Everything! The shirts, pants, sports jackets, pajamas.

We can get 80 hooks on here.

You're quite mad, you know.

[APARTMENT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[APARTMENT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Oh, I don't believe this.

Hey. Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm watching The Bold and the Beautiful.

No.

Wait, wait, wait.

This is not a good time.

No, no, no, five minutes.

What did you give your TV away to George for?

Because I've been watching too much.

It was an addiction. I couldn't stop.

It was destroying my brain cells.

Yeah, but now you're in here all the time.

Well--whoa.

Uh, Marla, Kramer. Hello.

Hey.

Why don't you go out. It's nice out.

No, there's nothing out there for me.

No, there's nothing out there for me.

There's weather.

Weather? I don't need weather.

Weather doesn't do it for me.

I'm telling George to give you your TV back.

No, no, I don't want it back.

Are you gonna watch the Knick game tonight?

I don't know.

Will you tape it?

Kramer...

Oh, yeah, you, huh?

So your boyfriend never came back from Berlin?

He never came back.

Oh, you must've been devastated, being left for a wall.

Oh, you must've been devastated, being left for a wall.

Well...

It was about to end anyway.

There was this...problem.

Uh-huh.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Excuse me one second. Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me.

Come on up.

Uh, it's Elaine. She's just a friend of mine.

I don't know what she's doing here now.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

I'm sorry. What?

I didn't get it.

Oh, for...

So you were saying, there was this problem.

Well, he wanted me to move in with him.

Well, he wanted me to move in with him.

Snapple?

No, thanks.

Go on.

Well, I wouldn't move in because...

Yes?

Well, because... Yeah?

Well, because I'm a...

virgin.

Hello!

Hi. Um...

Marla, Elaine.

Um, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company.

I just wanted to return your tape.

Oh, thanks a lot, two weeks late.

Now it'll cost me $35 to see Havana.

I'm sorry. I really am. I just kept forgetting.

I should be going.

No, no, no, no. I'm leaving.

I like that thing in your hair there.

Oh, yeah? Hah.

This woman was selling them

at this crazy party I was at last night.

You'll appreciate this.

Snapple?

No, thanks.

I was talking to this guy, you know,

and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa,

and my diaphragm goes flying out.

So I just froze, you know?

So I just froze, you know?

[GROANING]

Staring at my diaphragm. It was just lying there.

So then this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing,

she grabbed it before the guy noticed.

So, I mean, big deal, right?

So I carry around my diaphragm.

Who doesn't?

I mean, like it's a big, big secret

that women carry around their diaphragms.

You never know when you're gonna need it, right?

Ah...

I should be going.

I should be going.

So, uh...

we'll talk about the hooks, then?

Yes.

What? Was it something I said?

She's a virgin. She just told me.

Well, I didn't know.

Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.

Well, you think I should say something?

Should I say something? Should I apologize?

Was I-- Was I being anti-virgin?

No, no! I mean...

Because I'm not anti-virgin.

I'm gonna-- I'll be right back.

Elaine. Elaine!

Elaine. Elaine!

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

It's George.

She's a virgin?

A virgin.

Wow.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know. I'm very attracted to her.

That accent is so sexy.

I don't think I could do it.

They always remember the first time.

I don't wanna be remembered.

I wanna be forgotten.

You need a little pioneer spirit.

See, you don't have

any of that Lewis & Clark in you.

You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back.

You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back.

I'm really hungry.

Yeah, me too. We gotta get something.

I don't wanna go to that meeting on an empty stomach.

Let's get some Chinese. You wanna order--

All right, but then we gotta get some work done.

Let me just call Kramer, see if he wants anything.

Hey, we're ordering Chinese food.

If you want anything,

let me know what it is and, uh...

I'll order it...

for you.

I'm in. Let's go for it.

I'm in. Let's go for it.

All right, what do you want?

I don't care. Whatever.

Why don't we get a couple of dishes.

We'll just share them. All right.

What-- what are you getting?

I think I'm gonna get a Chow Fun.

What's a Chow Fun?

It's a broad noodle.

What do you mean, a broad noodle?

It's a big, flat noodle.

Well, I don't want a big, flat noodle.

What kind of noodle do you want?

Who says I want a noodle?

All right, look, I'm getting the Chow Fun.

You don't have to have any.

I'll get the pea pods,

and you can't have any of my pea pods.

Fine.

Get extra MSG.

Get extra MSG.

Look, Marla,

this whole sex thing is totally overrated.

Now, the one thing you've gotta be ready for

is how the man changes into a completely different person

five seconds after it's over.

I mean, something happens to their personality.

It's really quite astounding.

It's like, uh, they committed a crime,

and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.

So they just leave?

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories

during dinner.

How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow.

It's always about being up early.

They all turn into farmers suddenly.

Wow. You must be really good to put up with all that.

Eh.

All right, let's go.

We don't have much time before the meeting.

Where's the food? What happened to Ping?

Don't worry, he'll be here.

We only got about two hours.

We just need one good story idea,

We just need one good story idea,

and we can get through this meeting.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

There's your food.

Hey, what about this?

I'm in a car accident.

The motorist is uninsured. You with me?

Yeah.

My car's totaled.

It's all his fault.

Now, he has absolutely no money.

There is no way that he could pay me.

So the judge decrees...

that he becomes my butler.

Your butler?

Right.

He cooks my food, he cleans my house,

he does all my shopping for me,

and there you go. That's your program.

and there you go. That's your program.

What about me?

Don't worry. We find something for you.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.

Sentenced to be a butler.

Ping, what happened?

There was a bit of an accident.

Head hurts.

Head really hurts.

What happened?

Marla and I went out for coffee,

and afterwards, I was crossing the street,

and he was biking right towards me.

So I got out of the way just in time,

but then he ran into a parked car,

but then he ran into a parked car,

he hit his head, and everything went flying.

Something happened to the food?

Could only save one bag.

Should I call an ambulance? Want to see a doctor?

I'll get some ice.

The pea pods? All you saved was the pea pods?

Hey, you got the food?

Yeah, here.

What took so long? Hey, Ping!

Kramer!

Yeah.

Where's yours, huh?

He dropped it.

Oh, that's too bad.

You should slow down, you know that?

It's dangerous to go that fast.

No. No, I have green light. You jaywalk.

No. No, I have green light. You jaywalk.

Are you watching Oprah?

I did not jaywalk.

You're giving him back that TV!

Yes, you jaywalk.

No, I don't want it back.

Jaywalker. I'll slap a suit on you!

What?

We've work to do! What about the meeting?

Look, an hour with Patrick Swayze.

Month and a half, we had. We did nothing.

I can't believe we put it off until today

and then we couldn't do anything,

because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin,

crosses against the light,

and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy.

Now we're gonna go make fools of ourselves.

We got nothing.

You're not even in show business.

I got a reputation!

You'll drag me into the sewer with you.

I've been on TV, buddy boy.

Know how fast word spreads in show business?

Like that! Just like that!

Like that! Just like that!

One bad impression, you're out of the business!

All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here.

What do you mean? They know we're here.

I'll fake an illness.

My back! My back! I can't move my back!

No, no, would you get up?

I could do this, Jerry.

No.

All right, I'll tell them that my sister died.

Oh, my poor sister died.

She was standing on the street,

and then she was laughing,

and then they shot her!

That's the kind of a sick city that we're living in!

They shoot you for laughing!

They shoot you for laughing!

I must go and comfort my poor family.

Jerry, come on, take me home

so I can comfort my-- my poor family...

What?

That's David Letterman.

I just saw David Letterman walk by.

I'll be right back.

Mr. Seinfeld, they're ready for you now.

Yes, I was very wise to hitch my wagon to his star.

Jerry... Hey, Jerry!

Hi. How you doing?

Hi. How you doing?

Nice to see you all again. Hello.

Hello, Jerry. I'm Rita Kierson.

Oh. Nice to meet you. Uh, where's Russell?

He, uh, he had to go to L.A.

There's a problem on the set at Blossom.

Oh...

poor Blossom.

Anyway, he asked me to sit in for him.

Where's George?

Oh, he ran to say something to David Letterman.

D-David Letterman's on the floor?

Yeah, he just walked by.

Well, I think we should get started anyway.

Yeah. Good idea.

So how are you guys coming along?

So how are you guys coming along?

Good, good. We've got a number of ideas.

Good.

Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant,

and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table,

and you wind waiting there for, like, 30 minutes?

Well, we thought it would be very funny

to do an entire show

where all you're doing is waiting for the table.

Because we've all been in that situation.

You know, you're... you're waiting,

and you're hungry,

and you bump into somebody you know.

When is Russell coming back?

So that's the idea?

Well, no. That's one.

We have many others.

We have an idea where, um...

Uh...

I, um...

I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance,

and the judge sentences him to be my butler.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

And he cooks, so he has to cook for me,

cleans up my house,

and he's doing my shopping, you know...

[LAUGHING]

and I'm walking around

wearing one of those big neck collars, you know.

Those collars are funny!

You see somebody in one of those collars,

you start laughing immediately.

You're telling them about the butler story?

Is that beautiful, or what?

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late...

Russell.

I'm Rita Kierson.

Ah, Rita.

Hey, Mr. Chermak, how are you?

Good to see you.

Stu and Jay. Always a pleasure.

Hi, sweetie.

Yeah, yeah, that butler idea,

that's beautiful, isn't it?

Is that a killer?

I thought I was getting the butler.

Don't worry, we'll find something for you.

So Letterman didn't spark to your idea, huh?

No, he said there was nothing he could do, and that next time,

No, he said there was nothing he could do, and that next time,

I should probably break the Prozacs in half.

Hey, you guys wanna hold it down.

I'm watching Jeopardy.

Would you give him back the TV?

Oh, by the way, George,

Susan called for you a minute ago.

Yeah, I'll bet they're probably doing somersaults

about us over there.

You think they get butler stories like that

every day?

Who is Joseph Cotton?

Giddyup!

SUSAN [OVER TELEPHONE]: Hello.

Hi, it's me. It's Georgie boy. What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on?

What's going on? What's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

I'm fired!

Fired? Why?

Because you kissed me!

You kissed me, you stupid idiot!

Rita called Russell,

and he fired me over the phone!

What is pi?

Ooh, giddyup again. I'm killing 'em.

But I didn't-- I had no idea. I didn't realize--

You didn't realize?

How could you not realize?

You're stupid!

You are a stupid, stupid man!

I just feel terrible. This is just terrible.

What is the cha-cha?

What is the cha-cha?

Yes, indeed.

I'll speak to you later.

This is great!

He fired her!

This is incredible! He fired her!

I'm out, baby! I'm out!

Why did he fire her?

Because I kissed her in the meeting!

Russell found out! He fired her over the phone!

Finally, my stupidity pays off!

What is "Here Come The Judge? Here Come the Judge!"

You can't break up with her now.

Her life is shattered, and you got her fired!

Her life is shattered, and you got her fired!

You gotta be there for her. What?

You gotta at least wait until she gets another job.

Another job?

A couple of interviews.

Oh, this is unbelievable!

I'm stuck!

Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

Are you going to want to leave after it's over?

You know, if we have sex?

You know, if we have sex?

What? Leave?

Where? Why?

You know, the apartment.

Why would I leave? This is my apartment.

Well, what if it was my apartment?

Who gave you this idea I would want to leave?

Well, Elaine said men like to leave

after it's over.

Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock

in anything Elaine has to say about relationships.

She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally.

A tree fell on the roof and cracked the whole structure.

Her parents got along beautifully,

but the house was in bad shape.

Maybe I should be going.

Maybe I should be going.

What else did you say to her?

Nothing. I was just giving her the straight dope.

More like a dope was giving it to her straight.

Another cup of coffee with you, she'll wind up in a convent.

Listen, there was a lot more I could've told her.

Believe me.

What is this about leaving after sex?

Did I ever leave with you?

You might've if I had stayed.

So you know what?

I got served with papers today.

Ping is suing me.

I need your virgin as a witness, so be nice to her.

I need your virgin as a witness, so be nice to her.

I was trying to be.

Look at George. He lucked out, huh?

JERRY: Oh, you're not kidding.

Who'd have figured Susan would break up with him.

They had a good thing going.

Yeah, since she met him, she's been vomited on,

her family cabin's been burned down,

she learned her father's a homosexual,

and she got fired from a high-paying network job.

Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

What do I do?

Well, actually, I'm a writer.

In fact,

I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now.

I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now.

A sitcom?

How can you write that crap?

Carol!

This guy's writing a sitcom.

A sitcom?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, let's go.

A sitcom...

can you imagine?

And he actually tried to use it to hit on me!

In ancient tribal cultures,

they would actually sacrifice a virgin.

they would actually sacrifice a virgin.

They thought that would do something.

They would find some girl

that had never been out with anybody,

and they would throw her into a volcano.

I mean, there's a first date you'll never forget, you know.

Winds up in heaven talking with Chuck Woolery.

"So tell me, Lisa, how did the date end?"

"Not well, Chuck. Not well."

"Well, if you'd like to be thrown into a volcano again,

we'll pay for it."

[♪]

[♪]