Original subtitles

I think the idea behind the tuxedo

is kind of the woman's point of view

that men are all the same.

We might as well dress them that way.

That's why, to me, a wedding is like the joining together

of a beautiful, glowing bride and...some guy.

The tuxedo is a wedding-safety device

created by women

because they know that men are undependable.

So in case the groom chickens out,

everybody just takes one step over

and she marries the next guy.

That's why the wedding vow isn't "Do you take Bill Simpson?"

It's "Do you take...this man?"

It's "Do you take...this man?"

JERRY: Leave a message. I'll call you back. Thanks.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

Jerry? Joe Davola.

[SPITTING]

I have a hair on my tongue.

Can't get it off.

You know how much I hate that?

Of course you do.

You put it there.

I know what you said about me, Seinfeld.

I know you bad-mouthed me to the execs at NBC.

Put the kibosh on my deal.

Put the kibosh on my deal.

Now I'll put the kibosh on you.

You know I've kiboshed before.

And I will kibosh again.

[BEEPS]

So, what do you think?

About what?

The opera.

Nah, I don't want to go.

You got to go.

I-I-I don't like the opera.

What are they singing for?

Who sings?

You got something to say,

say it.

Jerry, you don't understand.

Jerry, you don't understand.

That's the way they talk in Italy.

They sing to one another.

[SINGING IN FAKE ITALIAN]

All right, all right.

That's the way it was, you know?

I mean, you listen to the language,

it's got that sing-songy quality to it.

It's the language, Jerry.

The language.

So why don't they talk like that now?

Well, it's, uh... It's too hard to, uh, keep up.

You know, they got...

They were tired.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Better get that.

Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me.

ELAINE: It's me.

Come on up.

So? Huh? What? Ah, I don't know.

Aw, come on, Jerry, it's opening night.

Black tie, Pagliacci. The great clown.

The great, sad, tragic...clown,

Like you.

Well, that's very flattering.

How did you get these tickets?

I heard they're impossible to get.

Oh, well, I have many associates.

I don't know.

Opera, it's not my kind of thing.

You're not going, I'm not going.

I'm gonna call the whole thing off.

No, wait a minute.

What about George, Susan and Elaine?

Why do you need me?

You're the nucleus,

You're the nucleus,

the straw that stirs the drink.

You're the "magliana."

Well, I guess if I'm the magliana, Yeah.

I should go.

All right, all right.

Hi. Hi, Elaine.

You got the tickets, right?

No, I don't have them on me. What?

That's why I came all the way over here.

Yeah, well, my friend's got them.

I'm gonna pick them up tomorrow.

Oh, I was going to surprise Joey with them.

[DOOR CLOSES]

You got an extra one, right?

Oh, yeah!

So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.

It's killing you, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So Joey's a great lover of the opera.

Listen...

I got news for you.

It's nice to be involved with somebody

who's interested in something other than Nick at Nite.

You know?

He's got a grip on reality.

He's-- He's-- He's happy, he's well-adjusted.

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

[SOBBING]

Well, I'm looking forward to meeting him.

I gotta go.

Where you going? What's the rush?

I'm gonna surprise Joey.

I've never been to his apartment,

so I'm just gonna...pop in.

Oh, good. Men love that.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey.

You got a message, buddy.

Ooh.

It could be from that blond.

Ooh.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Jerry? Joe Davola.

[SPITTING]

I have a hair on my tongue.

I have a hair on my tongue.

[CHUCKLING]

[LAUGHING WILDLY]

Kramer, what am I gonna do?

That guy's gonna put the kibosh on me!

He's crazy, out of his mind--

Steady, steady. Now calm yourself!

Come on, get ahold of yourself!

He's supposed to be on medication.

He told me he was getting medication!

Quiet, quiet! Now let me think!

I'm gonna call the cops.

That's what I'm doing. I'm calling the cops.

The cops?! They're not gonna do anything!

What do you mean they're not?

They're the cops! They got to do something!

He'll put the kibosh on me! Do you know what a kibosh is?

He'll put the kibosh on me! Do you know what a kibosh is?

K-k-k-kibosh.

I mean, it's a terrible mistake.

He thinks I ruined some deal of his at NBC.

I don't know anything about any deal at NBC.

Call him and tell him that!

That-- That's what I'll do.

I'll just call him and tell him.

I'll tell him. That's all I'll do.

Right.

He's a human being. Yeah.

I'll talk to him. He'll understand, right?

Yeah.

Don't mention my name.

Oh, I got the machine.

What's his message like?

Nice. Yeah?

Nice. Yeah?

Hello, Joe, listen, this is Jerry Seinfeld.

I-I really think there's been

a-a-a huge, colossal misunderstanding.

Big! Big!

And I feel

that if we could just talk about this,

we could straighten the whole thing out,

so call me back. Bye.

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Joey?

Joey?

[DOOR THUDS]

Oh, God. It's you.

You scared me.

Good. Fear's our most primal emotion.

You left your door open.

I know. I like to encourage intruders.

[LAUGHS]

What--? Uh...

What--? Uh...

What is all this?

Do you like it?

My home is a...shrine to you.

Where did you get all these pictures?

I took them myself with a telephoto lens.

Coming out of your office,

your apartment,

shopping...

showering.

Sh-showering?

I developed them myself in my darkroom.

Would you, uh...

Would you like to see?

In the darkroom?

In the darkroom?

Oh, uh, no, thank you.

Not right now.

♪ I'm a day person ♪

[CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY]

Are--? Are you all right?

Why?

Well, I don't know.

You just don't, uh...

seem yourself.

Who am I?

Who am I supposed to be?

That's a good question.

Good question.

It's very, uh, existential.

It's very, uh, existential.

Who are you? Who am I?

Yeah. Well...

What are you doing here?

Oh, nothing.

I just, uh... stopped by to chat.

You know, shoot the breeze.

Were you able to get

those opera tickets to Pagliacci

from that friend of yours?

I'm really looking forward to it.

Oh, uh...

no, he couldn't get them.

We're not going.

Really?

Ooh, damn it!

You know, I just remembered I gotta go.

You know, I just remembered I gotta go.

I, uh...left something on--

the gas, the lights, the water in the tub.

Something is on somewhere,

so I'm just gonna get the, uh...

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Do you know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?

Uh, I'm Elaine.

He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.

Oh.

Do you think I'm a clown... Nedda?

Do I think you're a clown?

No! Not if it's bad to be a clown.

If it's bad to be a clown,

If it's bad to be a clown,

then you are definitely not a clown.

But if it's good to be a clown,

then I would, you know, have to rethink the whole thing.

You've betrayed me with another,

haven't you, Nedda?

Who is he? I want you to tell me who he is.

I want his name. Tell me his name.

Ooh, like any man would ever look at me.

Come on.

I'm gonna... get out of here.

Pagliacci kills his wife.

See? Now, that's terrible.

That is, uh...

That's not a nice thing to do at all.

That's not a nice thing to do at all.

You know, I would assume--

Um, I don't know how this Pagliacci thing

actually turns out--

But, I mean, I would assume

that there was big, big trouble for that clown.

You're not leaving.

[SPRAY HISSES]

Ow! Ooh!

[CRASHING]

But, officer, he threatened me!

I don't understand! That's not right!

What if it was the president of the United States?

I'd bet you'd investigate.

Well, so, what's the difference?

I'm a comedian of the United States...

and I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure.

All right. Thanks anyway. Okay. Bye.

All right. Thanks anyway. Okay. Bye.

[DOORKNOB TURNS, KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

It's George.

What, are you locking the door now?

Yeah.

Well, well. Look at you.

It's a little skimpy, there, isn't it?

It's a little skimpy, there, isn't it?

You know the last time I wore this thing?

Six years ago.

When I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding?

Ooh, that was a bad toast.

It wasn't that bad.

I never heard anybody curse in a toast.

I was trying to loosen them up a little bit.

There were old people there.

All the relatives.

You were like a Redd Foxx record.

I mean, at the end of the toast, nobody even drank.

They were just standing there-- They were just frozen.

People were...

People were...

That might have been

one of the worst all-time toasts.

All right, still,

her father didn't have to throw me out like that.

He could've just asked me to leave.

The guy had me in a headlock.

Susan's not going tonight, you know.

What do you mean, not going? Why not?

She had to pick up a friend of hers

at the airport.

It cost me $100, this ticket.

Why didn't she pay for hers?

That's a very good question.

You know, she and I go out to dinner,

she doesn't even reach for the check.

That's all I'm asking for is a reach.

Is that so much to ask for? It's nice to get a reach.

Is that so much to ask for? It's nice to get a reach.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Oh! Ow!

Who is it?

KRAMER: It's me!

Why are you locking the door now?

Because of Davola. Get in here.

What the--?

How come you're not dressed?

I am dressed.

You're going like this?

Yeah, yeah. Hey, I want you to hear something.

I thought you said people dress up

when they go to the opera.

Well, people do. I don't.

If you're going like that, I'm not going like this.

If you're going like that, I'm not going like this.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Do you think I'm comfortable here?

I can't change. I got no clothes here.

You gotta go like that! I can't go like this alone!

Why should I be uncomfortable

just because my apartment's closer to Town Hall than yours?

That's not the issue. We're friends!

If I'm gonna be uncomfortable, you gotta be uncomfortable too!

All right, all right, I'll wear this!

Bad enough I gotta go to the opera,

I gotta sit next to Ozzie Nelson over here.

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

Would you turn that down? What is that crap?

It's Pagliacci.

Oh, beautiful.

Oh, beautiful.

Listen, we got a little problem here.

We got two extra tickets.

Why, what happened?

Well, Susan isn't going,

and Elaine just left me a message,

her friend isn't going either.

That's fantastic. We'll scalp the tickets.

We could make maybe, uh...500 a ticket.

What, really?

Oh, yeah.

What, people are looking for tickets here?

Are you kidding?

Opening night? Pavarotti in Pagliacci?

[LAUGHING]

We're gonna clean up!

Oh, man, I knew I was gonna love the opera!

Oh, yeah, right.

Come on, let's go get the tickets. All right.

All right, listen, I gotta wait for Elaine.

All right, listen, I gotta wait for Elaine.

You guys go, I'll meet you in front of the theater.

Now, wait. Isn't scalping illegal?

Oh, yeah.

[MAN SINGING ARIA FROM "PAGLIACCI" IN ITALIAN]

You sprayed him in the eyes

with Binaca?

Cherry Binaca. It's new.

See, I don't get that.

First, they come out with the regular.

A year later, they have cherry. They know we like cherry.

Start with cherry. Then come out with the regular.

It was like I didn't even know him.

He was like a totally different person.

You should hear the message from my nut.

Where's George and Kramer?

I don't like standing out here.

I want to get inside already.

I feel very vulnerable.

I feel very vulnerable.

[COIN CLINKS ON SIDEWALK]

Hey. Hey, what are you doing?

That's my quarter.

No, it's not. It's mine.

I was just flipping it. That's mine.

No, I dropped it. It's mine.

You want the quarter, take the quarter,

but don't try and tell me it's yours.

Well, it is mine.

What, you think I care about the money?

Is that what you think? You want me to show you?

Here, look. Look at this. Here's a dollar. Look.

There. That's how much I care about money. There.

Think I care about money?

That's how much I care about money.

Why don't you get lost? Why don't you get lost?

Because I was standing here, that's why.

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

I kind of like this opera crowd.

I feel tough.

Anybody else got a problem?

Hey, clown!

Clown.

Make us laugh, clown.

Nice face, clown.

Make me laugh, clown.

[GRUNTING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

I got two. I got two, huh?

Pagliacci, huh? Who needs Pagliacci, huh?

Come on, the great tragic clown.

Come on, check it out. He laughs, he cries, he sings.

Pagliacci.

Hey, I got two beauties right here.

Come on, fella, check it out, huh?

All right.

Hey, hey, you selling?

Oh, I'm selling.

Where are they?

Orchestra. Row G. Dead center. Primo.

You'll think you died and went to heaven.

What do you want for them?

I'll tell you what I'll do,

because you look like a nice guy.

A thousand dollars for the deuce.

Uh, give you 500 for the pair.

Uh, give you 500 for the pair.

Yeah. It's a deal.

Boop. No.

What? No? Are you crazy?

Look, let me handle this.

That's $500. That's a great deal.

You're blowing it. The guy's a pigeon.

Ah...

Oh, God, see, he's walking away. What is wrong with you?

That was a $300 profit!

You know, I know what I'm doing here, George.

Look, this is not a Metallica concert,

it's an opera, all right?

A little dignity. A little class.

Just give me my ticket.

I will stand over here and sell it. Oh, yeah.

Thank you very much.

You just stand over there, I'll stand over here.

You just stand over there, I'll stand over here.

I know where I'm standing.

All right. Get your Pagliaccis here!

Come on, Pagliaccis right here, huh?

Where are they already?

I guarantee you

they don't sell either one of those tickets.

Hey, look,

there's Bobby Leighton's father-in-law.

Mr. Reichman. George and I were just talking about him.

That's the guy who threw George out of the wedding.

Oh, yeah. When George made that bad toast?

You remember the curse toast?

Oh, yeah. The curse toast.

So can you believe that message?

Now I gotta spend the rest of my life

looking over my shoulder.

Me too.

Crazy Joe Davola...

Crazy Joe Davola...

How do you know his name?

What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?

I never told you his name.

I never told you his name.

Wait a second, who are we talking about here?

Joe Davola.

Right, Joe Davola.

How do you know his name?

I've been out with him three times.

I should know the man's name.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

He's stalking you?

You're going out with a madman who's trying to kill me?

Oh, Jerry, why didn't you tell me

his name was Joe Davola?

his name was Joe Davola?

Why didn't you tell me?

Last night, he accused me of seeing someone else.

He said, "Tell me his name!" He said that?

If he sees me with you, can you imagine what he'll do?

If he thinks I ruined his NBC deal and stole his girl!

That will be a kibosh for sure. What about me?

MAN: Excuse me.

[SCREAMING]

Come on. This is Pavarotti.

Three hundred dollars? That's a lot of money.

You know, Steven Holtzman did a production

in Tunis last year,

and from what I understand, the Muslims really took to it.

I'll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy.

I'll tell you what, you seem like a nice guy.

Let's stop jerking around here, all right?

Give me...$250.

I got people waiting for me.

I gotta get the hell out of here.

They're scalping!

I told them to put out extra security.

Excuse me.

Pop, would you buzz off? I got something cooking here.

Costanza? Mr. Reichman?

You've still got a mouth like a sewer!

Give me those tickets.

Harold, don't!

Harold, be careful of your hair transplant!

Anything is welcome.

I accept...change.

I don't have anything. I gave it to that guy.

I don't have anything. I gave it to that guy.

You know, you could just say no.

You don't have to humiliate me.

I may be dressed as a clown, but I am a person.

No, I'm telling you, the guy took my--

And I don't need people like you

looking down their noses at me.

I am just a street performer out here,

trying to make enough to get by.

Doctor!

Is there a doctor anywhere?

We need a doctor!

What are you, showing off for your girlfriend?

Is that it?

Uh, I'm not his girlfriend.

We dated for a while, but things didn't work out.

We dated for a while, but things didn't work out.

You people make me sick.

That is one angry clown.

The hardest part about being a clown,

it seems to me,

would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown.

"Who is that clown?"

"I'm not working with that clown."

"Did you hire that clown?"

"The guy's a clown."

How do you start into being a clown?

How do you know you wanna be a clown?

I mean, I guess you just get to a point

where your pants look so bad,

it's actually easier to become a clown

it's actually easier to become a clown

than having the proper alterations done.

Because if you think about it, a clown,

if there isn't a circus around them,

is really just a very annoying person.

I mean, you're in the back seat of this guy's Volkswagen.

"What, you're picking somebody else up?

Oh, man!"

I got one. Who needs one? Pagliacci. Pagliacci.

The tragic clown...

Paglia...cci.

What did you say?

What, are you a cop?

No, I'm a clown.

Man, you look familiar.

You ever been to the circus?

Well, when I was a kid.

Did you like it?

Well, you know, it was fun.

I was kind of scared of the clowns.

Are you still scared of clowns?

Yeah.

We're gonna miss the overture.

♪ Overture Curtains, lights ♪

♪ This is it We'll hit the heights ♪

♪ And, oh, what heights We'll hit ♪

♪ On with the show This is it ♪

You know, it is so sad.

All your knowledge of high culture

comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Oh, there's that clown again.

What does he want from me?

Look, I'm serious, I'm not kidding.

Look, I'm serious, I'm not kidding.

I don't have the quarter. That guy took it.

I don't want any money.

[ELAINE SNIFFS]

Huh?

I smell cherry.

It's Binaca.

Binaca?

[SINGING OPERA IN ITALIAN]

[GASPS, SCREAMS]

Go! Go!

What did we say, 275 here?

250.

250?

Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure.

All right, all right. 250.

All right, all right. 250.

SUSAN: George!

S-Susan.

I don't believe it!

I'm so glad I caught you!

Yeah...

What are you doing here?

I thought you were going to the airport.

Oh, there was some problem with the plane.

They landed in Philadelphia.

Well, so what? They don't have another plane?

She couldn't take a bus?

She's coming in tomorrow, but I made it.

Yeah, you made it. How about that?

Oh, I'm so excited.

Now we get to see the opera together.

We get to go to the opera--

[WHISPERS] Get out of here.

Together.

Who's that?

Oh, that's-- That's Harry Fong.

He's a very good friend of mine.

He's a very good friend of mine.

He's a big opera buff.

Enjoy the show, there, Harry!

Come on. Let's go.

You know what?

Come on, you gotta let us in.

Not without tickets.

We have tickets, we just don't have them with us.

Well, that's a problem.

Um, excuse me.

Come right in.

You don't understand. Someone's after us!

A crazy clown. He's trying to kill us.

A crazy clown is after you? Yes.

Oh, that's rich.

Now, clear the entrance

so people with tickets can get through.

Oh, hey, we're with him. We're with him!.

Are you guys ready? Yes, yes!

Are you guys ready? Yes, yes!

Have you seen George? We thought he was with you.

Come on, he's on his own.

Come on! Okay, here.

Here I come.

These are great seats, huh?

Yeah.

Boy, some cast, huh?

Pavarotti, Eva Marton.

Eva Marton. I've heard of her.

Who's she playing?

She's playing Pagliacci's wife Nedda.

Nedda?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Susan, what are you doing here?

My friend's flight couldn't make it.

Hi.

Where's George?

I got his ticket.

He decided not to come.

He said he was uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable?

How do you think I feel?

Hey, let me ask you something.

Hey, let me ask you something.

How much did you pay for that ticket?

One seventy-five.

Oh...

Kramer, who did you sell your ticket to?

Some nut in a clown suit.

[APPLAUSE]

I had some friends drag me to an opera recently.

They all got those little opera glasses, you know?

Do you really need binoculars?

I mean, how big do these people have to get

before you can spot them?

before you can spot them?

I mean, these opera kids, they're going 250, 280, 325.

They're wearing big white woolly vests with--

The women have, like, the breastplates,

the bullet hats, the horns coming out.

If you can't pick these people out,

forget opera, think about optometry.

Maybe that's-- Maybe that's more your thing.

[MAN SINGING ARIA FROM "PAGLIACCI" IN ITALIAN]