Original subtitles

It's amazing to me that people will move

thousands of miles away to another city.

They think nothing of it.

They get on a plane, boom, they're there.

Okay, live there now.

Yeah, just 1000 miles. I'm living over there.

You know, pioneers,

it took years to cross the country.

Now, people will move thousands of miles

just for one season.

I don't think any pioneers did that.

You know, "Yeah, it took us a decade to get there,

"and we stayed for the summer.

"It was nice, it had a pool,

"the kids loved it.

"the kids loved it.

"And then we left about 10 years ago,

"and we just got back.

"We had a great summer,

"and it took us 20 years,

and now our lives are over."

Kramer was on Murphy Brown?

Yeah.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Murphy Brown, the TV show?

Come on, will you?

[LAUGHING] Kramer was on Murphy Brown?

That son of a gun!

It's something, isn't it?

With Candice Bergen.

I know.

I've always liked her.

Remember her in Carnal Knowledge?

Sure.

She show her breasts in that?

She's not really the naked type.

She's not really the naked type.

I can't believe I missed Kramer.

You know, he asked me to go with him to California.

He did?

Yeah. I turned him down.

How come you didn't tell me?

He asked me to keep it a secret.

But you can never keep a secret.

I know. This was, like, a record.

My previous record

was when Jodi Hirsch asked me not to tell anybody

that we slept together.

Kept a lid on that for about 28 seconds.

Well, you've come a long way.

I've matured. Hey, listen,

The Tonight Show called me to come do the show on the 28th,

and they're giving me two free tickets to L.A.

You want to go?

You want to go?

A free ticket?

Yeah, in fact, we could track down Kramer.

I always felt bad about the way he left.

You know, that was a mess.

I never should've taken back those keys.

What about accommodations?

All taken care of.

Is there a meal allowance?

What about seat assignments?

Could I have the kosher meal?

I hear the kosher meal is good.

And I need clothes.

Got to get a haircut,

Oh, and I have to refill my allergy medication.

Ooh! Do I need a hat?

I need a hat, don't I?

I need a hat, don't I?

Could we do the Universal tour?

I don't know.

They have that Backdraft exhibit.

Now, that looks very cool to me.

KRAMER: See, my acting technique--

Ahem, my personal acting technique,

is working with color.

Imagining color, and then finding

the emotional, vibrational mood connected to the color.

See, if you look through my scripts,

you'll see that all my lines

have a special color.

So I don't memorize language,

I memorize color.

This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue,

This way I can go through red, yellow, green, blue,

and you have a full palette of emotions.

Hey! Huh?

Didn't I tell you to get out of here?

Did you?

Come on, let's go.

Well, I was just--

Yeah, you were just nothing.

Come on, let's go. Wait, wait.

All right, we'll talk about this a little later.

Let's go.

Are you an actor?

See you, Mike!

[MAN SINGING OPERATIC SCALES]

[CHILD CRYING]

WOMAN: Murphy Brown.

Uh, yeah, uh, Candice Bergen, please.

Who's calling, please?

Uh, well, just tell her that it's Kramer.

[DIAL TONE HUMMING]

All right, uh...

I'll call her at home.

Yeah, go ahead. It's all yours.

Hello, Kramer.

Oh, Helene, how are you?

Oh, Helene, how are you?

I haven't worked since 1934.

How do you think I am?

Well, that's only, uh...

58 years.

It was a Three Stooges short, "Sappy Pappies."

I played Mr. Sugarman's secretary, remember?

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah, yeah, that was a Shemp, right?

No, no. Curly.

The boys played three sailors who find a baby.

The baby's been kidnapped,

and the police think that they did it.

Uh-huh, right.

But of course they didn't do it.

The police have made an awful mistake.

Right.

Right.

Moe hits Curly with an ax. Uh-huh.

The Stooges catch the kidnappers.

Right.

But it's too late.

Really?

The baby's dead.

Really?

The boys are sent to death row and are executed.

Well, I don't remember that part.

I play Mr. Sugarman's secretary.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You were very good.

It was sad for a Three Stooges,

what with the dead baby

and the Stooges being executed and all.

Yeah, well,

that was an unusual choice for the Stooges.

Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt

Would you like to buy me a fat-free frozen yogurt

at the store, Kramer?

Uh, well, you know, I can't right now, you know.

I got a very big meeting.

You know, I got these people

interested in my movie treatment.

So I guess we'll have to make it another time, all right?

No, no!

No, don't go up there, Kramer!

They'll hurt you, they'll destroy you.

You'll never make it in this town.

You're too sensitive, like me.

Helene, you're wrong.

I'm not that sensitive at all.

I was engaged to Mickey Rooney.

He left me at the altar.

Kramer!

Kramer!

What is this?

What?

We're going on a two-day trip.

What are you, Diana Ross?

I happen to dress based on mood.

Oh.

But you essentially

wear the same thing all the time.

Seemingly.

Seemingly.

But within that basic framework,

there are many subtle variations,

only discernible to an acute observer,

only discernible to an acute observer,

that reflect the many moods, the many shades,

the many sides of George Costanza.

And what mood is this?

This is "morning mist."

[♪]

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

What do you figure?

Twenty? Twenty-one?

Close enough.

Forensics ought to be able to nail it down.

No ID?

No ID.

No witnesses?

Just the trees, Johnny.

Just the trees.

Pretty young thing.

Pretty young thing.

She was.

Not anymore.

Somebody saw to that.

Sure did, Johnny.

Damn shame, too.

What do you make of it?

I don't know.

But I don't like it.

JERRY: Look at this guy.

He's like a cat burglar.

He thinks if he goes through real slow,

the machine won't detect him.

the machine won't detect him.

I've always been a little nervous

about going through these things.

I'm afraid I'm gonna step through into another dimension.

Just go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CHUCKLES] I made it.

[BEEP]

Empty your pockets, please.

Walk through again, please.

[BEEP]

Are you sure you don't have any metal on you?

Bracelets, rings, anklets?

Anklets? No.

A lot of men wear anklets.

Really? Yeah.

What do you have in your bag, sir?

In my bag?

Step over here, please.

Over here?

Do you have a knife in the bag?

A knife?

Open the bag, please.

[UNZIPS BAG]

What's this?

[SOFTLY] Moisturizer.

For your wife?

No.

I, uh...

I use it.

Mm-hmm.

Spread your arms and legs, please.

[BEEPING]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I implore you.

Have a good trip.

Have a good trip.

All right, go ahead.

That's it? That's it.

All right.

Come on, Jerry, let's go.

What was that all about?

I must have iron-rich blood.

Oh, yeah. Here we go, L.A.

The coast.

La-la land.

I got the window seat, right?

Who said that?

I called it. Oh, no.

What do you mean, "Oh, no"?

It seems to me

that the closest thing we have to royalty in America

are the people that get to ride

in those little carts through the airport.

Don't you hate these things?

They come out of nowhere.

Beep-beep, "Cart people!

Beep-beep, "Cart people!

Look out, cart people! Look out!"

We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants.

"Ooh! It's cart people.

"I hope we didn't slow you down.

"Wave to the cart people, Timmy.

They're the best people in the world."

You know, if you're too fat, slow and disoriented

to get to your gate on time,

you're not ready for air travel.

You know, the people I hate

are the people that get onto the moving walkway,

and then just stand there.

Like it's a ride.

Like it's a ride.

"Excuse me, there's no animated pirates or bears

"along the way here.

Do your legs work at all?"

Oh!

Oh. Uh, yeah. I'm here for the audition.

Which audition?

The music video, the horror movie,

the exercise tape or the infomercial?

Uh...

Let's see.

Well...

[WILD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[WILD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERFUL POP MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[LOUD ROCK]

[SPUTTERING]

[COUGHS]

[CHEERFUL POP]

[ALL SCREAMING]

You scream good.

You too.

So can I keep this treatment?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I got 20 copies.

Because I can show it to my manager.

He has connections with West German television money.

Great.

Yeah, they're trying to put together a mini-series for me

on Eva Braun.

I mean, think about it. Is that a great idea?

I mean, think about it. Is that a great idea?

We know nothing about Eva Braun.

Only that she was Hitler's girlfriend.

What was it like

having sex with Adolf Hitler?

What do you wear in a bunker?

What did her parents think of Hitler

as a potential son-in-law?

I could just go on and--

Wait, wait, hold it.

Look who's over there.

Don't look, don't look.

It's Fred Savage.

[SCOFFS]

Big deal.

He'd be perfect for my movie.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

All right, I got to go over there.

I gotta give him a copy of my treatment.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Why are you breathing so hard?

Why are you breathing so hard?

Oh, well, I'm just a little nervous.

Oh.

Okay, I got to relax.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

All right.

Wish me luck, huh?

Hey.

Oh, did I frighten you?

I'm not crazy. I may look weird, but I'm just like you.

I'm just a regular guy

just trying to make it in this business.

You know, I really like your work...

The, uh, uh...

Oh, thank you. Thanks.

I can't remember the name of it.

I'm drawing a blank. I'm nervous. That's okay.

I'm drawing a blank. I'm nervous. That's okay.

You know, uh-- Just relax.

Oh, okay, yeah. Relax.

Well, I got this--

Stupid table.

Now, I'm not normally like this.

Usually I'm very cool and charming.

I don't mean to bother you,

but it's fate you're here the same time as me.

Yeah, it's fate, you know. You can't avoid your fate.

Yeah, I got this treatment

I think you'd be great in, you know.

So maybe I could give it to you.

Okay, thanks a lot. Excuse me.

Are you going now? Uh-huh.

Bye. Oh, wait, wait.

JERRY: Yeah, that's Kramer,

JERRY: Yeah, that's Kramer,

K-R-A-M-E-R.

Um... I don't know, wavy?

George, how would you describe Kramer's hair?

Curly.

Wavy.

What'd you ask me for?

Yeah. I'll hold on.

Hey, George, did you see a piece of paper

I had on the nightstand here,

like, crumpled up like a napkin?

No.

Because I had, like, three jokes on it.

They were all perfectly worded,

just the way I wanted to have it.

I can't find it.

Hello?

Hey, a shoe-buffing machine.

I don't know, 6'3"?

I don't know, 6'3"?

George, how tall is Kramer?

Hey, you got your own shampoo, conditioner.

Body lotion!

Jerry, body lotion! Whoo-hoo!

About 6'3".

Ooh, a shower cap!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in!

Hello. I have more towels.

Oh, good, good. Come in, come in.

Welcome. Um, I'm George.

Oh, hello.

Hi, and this is Jerry.

Over there, on the phone.

That's Jerry.

And you are, um...? Lupe.

And you are, um...? Lupe.

Lupe. That's very nice, very nice.

Listen, are you gonna be

making up the bed in the morning?

Oh, yes.

Fine, excellent.

Could you do me a favor?

Could you not tuck the blankets in?

Because I can't sleep all tucked in.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, I like to just be able

to take the blankets and swish them and swirl them.

You know what I mean?

You know, I don't like them all tucked in.

I just don't.

I like to have a lot of room, you know.

I like to have my toes pointed up in the air.

I just like to scrunch up the blankets.

I just like to scrunch up the blankets.

Yes, yes. It's too tight to sleep.

Exactly.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Oh, yes. It's too tight.

Um, him, too?

Oh, uh, Jerry, you want your blankets tucked in?

Excuse me. What?

You want your blankets tucked in? What blankets?

When Lupe makes up the beds.

I don't know, whatever they do.

I tuck in...yes?

Tuck in. Tuck in.

All right,

so that's one tuck and one no-tuck.

Okay. Yes, one second, sweetheart.

Jerry, I really think it'd be easier

Jerry, I really think it'd be easier

if you didn't tuck.

Excuse me.

Fine, you don't want me to tuck,

put me down for a no-tuck.

That's two no-tucks.

Hang on a second. You know what?

Changed my mind. Make it a tuck.

You just said you weren't tucking.

I'm tucking!

Hello?

Hello?

They hung up on me.

They don't know where Kramer is anyway.

Alrighty, so,

that's one tuck and one no-tuck.

You got that?

Okay.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Did you see a piece of paper

on the nightstand here earlier today

crumpled up like a napkin?

Oh, yes, yes.

I throw away when we clean the room.

Oh, okay, thanks.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

All right, Lupe, bye-bye, now.

Bye. Bye-bye.

I can't believe she threw that out.

I had, like, the perfect wording

of a whole joke I was going to do

about the x-ray counter at the airport.

I was going to do it. Now I can't remember it.

What'd you want her to do? You left it on the table.

They're not supposed to take everything and throw it out.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

It's not Lupe's fault.

You shouldn't have left it out.

All right.

Just get your thing together,

and let's get out of here.

All right. Now...

what mood am I in?

What mood am I in?

GEORGE: You shouldn't have tucked.

JERRY: I like it tucked.

Nobody tucks anymore.

Hey, lieutenant? Yeah.

This was found on her person.

On her person?

What kind of expression is that?

I don't know, sir.

Police lingo.

Oh, yeah?

What's your name, son?

Ross.

Ross.

You see that person there, Ross?

Yes, sir.

She's dead.

Have you got that?

Have you got that?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Now, get out of here

before you find yourself on transit patrol

writing tickets to senior citizens

with fake bus passes.

Yes, sir.

I think we just got a break.

This is very exciting.

You know, The Tonight Show. NBC.

Who else is on the show? I don't know.

You might meet a celebrity.

I can't believe she threw out my napkin.

I can't believe she threw out my napkin.

What're you worried about? You know it!

You gonna be all right here?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go, go about your business.

I'll just wander around.

All right, don't wander too far.

I'll meet you back here in 15 minutes.

Go, go, go, don't worry about me.

Hey.

Hey.

Corbin Bernsen.

How you doing?

[LAUGHS]

Big fan.

Big fan.

Thank you.

Hey, you grew a beard, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm doing a movie during my hiatus.

Hey, you know.

Do I have a case

for you guys to do on L.A. Law.

Really.

GEORGE: So, mind you, at this point,

GEORGE: So, mind you, at this point,

I'm only going out with her

two, three weeks.

So she goes out of town,

and she asks me to feed her cat.

So, at this time...

there's a lot of stuff going on in my life, and, uh...

It slips my mind for a few days.

Maybe a week.

Not even a week. Five, six days--

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, what happened?

Well...

It's the damndest thing.

The cat dies.

So she comes back into town,

she finds the cat lying on the carpet

stiff as a board.

So you killed the cat?

That's what she says.

I say, "Listen.

"It was an old cat.

It died of natural causes."

So get this.

Now, she tells me

that I got to buy her a brand-new cat.

I say, "Listen, honey, first of all,

"it was a pretty old cat.

"I'm not gonna buy you a brand-new cat

"to replace an old dying cat.

"to replace an old dying cat.

"And second of all, I go out to the garbage,

I'll find you a new cat in 15 seconds."

I say, "You show me an autopsy report

"that says this cat died of starvation,

I spring for a new cat."

So she says something to me, like...

I don't know, "Get the hell outta here,"

and she breaks up with me.

Now, don't you think that would be

a great case on L.A. Law?

I don't want to tell you how to run your show.

No, of course not.

No, of course not.

It's enough with the bar already,

you know what I'm saying?

Seriously,

have they thought about changing the setting?

Doubt it. I doubt it. Really.

Because people do meet in places besides a bar.

Well, yeah, they do.

What about a rec room, huh?

Uh, yeah. Huh?

Or a community center.

Yeah, you ought to write one of those.

Yeah?

I'll bring it up with the producer. I gotta, uh...

Fabulous. I'll think about that, George.

Thank you.

How's it going?

Great! Great!

I actually just had

two meaningful, intelligent conversations

with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.

with Corbin Bernsen and George Wendt.

Really? Yeah, yeah.

Not fan talk. Not gushing, you know.

Actual conversation. I was incredibly articulate.

You got toilet paper on your heel there.

ANNOUNCER: It's The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Tonight Jay welcomes Corbin Bernsen,

George Wendt,

and comedian Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

People are always trying to give me a great case for L.A. Law.

People are always trying to give me a great case for L.A. Law.

Just a few seconds ago, right outside in the hallway,

this nut, some sick nut, comes up to me and says

he was supposed to watch this girl's cat

while she was away out of town.

Anyway, he forgets to feed the cat.

The cat dies, starves to death.

He kills the cat,

refuses to get her a new one,

won't give her any money, won't pay her,

and he wants Arnie Becker to represent him. Nice guy.

"Yeah, that'd make a great case for L.A. Law."

Thanks a lot.

He's a very handsome man.

He's a very handsome man.

Passionate, intense,

but troubled, strange.

I think he may be in love with me.

Of course, there's nothing abnormal about that.

I have many suitors.

It's funny, because even after all these years,

we still get people, you know,

giving us advice, how to improve the show.

Actually, a few moments ago, I ran into a nut back there

who said, you know, maybe we should think about,

you know, not doing the show in a bar.

you know, not doing the show in a bar.

So that's when I said, "Hey, Kramer, dude,

have you ever killed a man before?"

And he said, "What do you think, junior?!

These hands have been soaking in Ivory Liquid?"

[GROWLS]

That guy you talked to, what did he look like?

Short little bald guy with glasses.

Yeah, yeah, that's the same guy I talked to.

Ugh, never ends, does it?

So, um, I'm going through the airport,

and I have to put my bag on that little, uh...

and I have to put my bag on that little, uh...

the, uh...

The conveyer belt.

Issue an arrest warrant. Put out an APB.

Let's pick up this, uh...

Kramer.

I was terrible.

What, are you crazy? You were fine.

Nah, did you hear the end?

I couldn't remember what I was trying to say.

That whole thing about the, uh...

Conveyer belt. Yeah.

Because she threw out my napkin.

Because she threw out my napkin.

Oh, I can't believe-- You're blaming Lupe?

Yes. Lupe.

I'm blaming Lupe.

[SCOFFS]

NEWSCASTER: Our top story tonight,

there has been a break

in the so-called Smog Stranglings.

Police have just released a photo of the suspect

being sought in connection with the slaying.

He is known only as Kramer.

Talk show hosts never seem to have any idea

how much time is left in the show.

how much time is left in the show.

You know, they're always looking off camera,

"Do we have time? We out of time?

"How are we doing on time?

"Anybody know what the time is?

Anybody checking the time?"

You never see Magnum, P.I. go,

"Should I strangle this guy

"or we going to take a break here?

"Can you stay for another beating?

"I'll tell you what, I'll bop him on the head,

"we'll do a commercial, come back,

I'll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."

[♪]