Original subtitles

Do you think

that the people at the airport that run the stores

have any idea what the prices are

everyplace else in the world,

or do you think they just feel

they have their own little country out there

and they can charge anything they want?

"You hungry? Tuna sandwich is $9.00.

"You don't like it,

go back to your own country."

I think the whole airport/airline complex

is a huge scam

just to sell the tuna sandwiches.

I think that profit

is what's supporting the whole air travel industry.

is what's supporting the whole air travel industry.

I mean, think about it.

The terminals, the airplanes.

It's all just a distraction

so that you don't notice the beating that you're taking

on the tuna.

It's all departures.

I see nothing but departures.

Do you know where the arrivals are?

Uh, excuse me, sir. Do you have the time?

There's a clock over there.

Where?

Over there.

But you have a watch on.

It's right by the escalator.

Why don't you just look at your watch?

I told you, it's right over there.

I told you, it's right over there.

Let me see the watch.

Hey!

What are you, some kind of nut?

You know, we're living in a society!

George.

Jerry, Jerry.

I'm sorry. The flight was delayed.

How long have you been waiting?

I just got here.

My car broke down on the Belt Parkway.

I can't believe-- Why don't you get rid of that piece of junk?

One mile from the exit, it starts shaking,

really violently shaking,

like it's having a nervous breakdown,

then it completely stopped dead.

So you have no car.

No.

No.

So, what good are you?

I'll tell you one thing.

This chauffeur's going to be waiting a while.

O'Brien's not showing up. How do you know?

He was in Chicago. The flight was overbooked.

They wouldn't let him on the plane.

He kept screaming how he had to get to Madison Square Garden.

We should take his limo.

Yeah, right.

Wait a second.

Think about it.

He's not showing up.

Wait'll you see the line for cabs.

It's, like, 45 minutes long.

You said he's in Chicago.

You said he's in Chicago.

He's definitely in Chicago.

Well, that guy is just standing there.

How would we do it?

We just go up to him, we say, "We're O'Brien."

Maybe he knows O'Brien.

No, he doesn't know O'Brien.

If he knew O'Brien, he wouldn't have a sign.

Let's just do it.

Well, what if we get caught?

What's going to happen?

They can't kill us.

Who's going to be O'Brien?

I'll be O'Brien.

Who am I?

You're you.

You're you.

Just me?

Yeah.

Okay.

What, you don't want to be you?

Well, if you're going to be O'Brien,

why can't I be somebody?

Like who?

Dylan Murphy.

Okay.

What, now you want to be Dylan Murphy?

Well, I like Dylan.

You could be Colin.

Okay. Colin O'Brien.

I'm Dylan Murphy. I'm Colin O'Brien.

Are we really doing this?

Are we really doing this?

Come on.

Hey, do you have the time?

Clock over there.

O'Brien.

Yes, sir.

Sorry we're, uh... we're late.

Here, let me take that for you.

Oh, thank you. Uh...

I'll get the car

and I'll bring it around front.

Thank you very much.

Dylan.

Colin.

Can you believe this?

This is incredible.

This is one of the greatest things

I've ever done in my life.

I'm going to call my mother.

What for?

What for?

To tell her I'm in a limo.

Hello, Ma?

It's me.

Guess where I am.

In the back of a limo.

No, nobody died.

It's a long story.

I can't tell you now.

Because I can't.

I said I can't.

If I could, I would.

Would you stop it?

All right, look--

I'm-- I'm getting off.

No, I'm not telling you.

How's this? I'm never telling you.

I don't care. No!

I don't care. No!

Fine! Never!

She happy for you?

Can he hear us?

Mm-mm.

Why?

Thought I saw him

look in the mirror suspiciously.

He can't hear us.

Let's test him.

Hey, driver!

What do you say we, uh, stop off,

pick up your sister,

have a little fun back here?

No. He can't hear us.

No. He can't hear us.

Where's he dropping us?

Maybe we can get him to drop us

right at my house.

I'll ask him.

Uh, my dear fellow,

where are you dropping us?

At Madison Square Garden, of course.

I have the four passes.

Of course.

The, uh... the four passes.

Four passes? Four passes to Madison Square Garden?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Of course.

Chicago.

The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight.

The Knicks are playing the Bulls tonight.

What?

We are going to the Knick game!

Michael Jordan! The Knicks!

We're going to the Knick game!

Four free passes!

Did I tell you? Did I tell you?

I can't believe it!

You may have hit with this one.

Oh, you see?

You see?

I see things as they are, and I say, "No."

Uh, wait.

Uh, you see things as they are not,

and you say--

Wait. Uh... You see thi--

You see things as they are?

What do you say when you see things?

Let me call Elaine and Kramer.

Let me call Elaine and Kramer.

If I see things as they are,

I would ask, "Why?" or "Why not?"

Elaine?

It's me.

What are you doing tonight?

Great.

George and I have tickets--

Four free passes

to the Knicks-Bulls game at Madison Square Garden.

Aah! Lah-dee!

Can you go?

Great. Listen, call Kramer.

Tell him to meet us on the corner at 7:00.

All right.

We're going to pick you up in a limo.

That's right, baby doll.

That's right, baby doll.

And listen, when we pick you up,

I'm Murphy, and George is O'Brien.

I can't tell you now.

It's a long story.

I am serious.

Okay.

Okay, bye.

Excuse me, driver,

we have to make a little stop first.

I know.

He knows? He knows?

Where are we going?

Where are we going?

Why are we pulling off here?

Maybe it's a shortcut.

We're on the Grand Central.

There's no traffic.

[WINDOW OPENS]

Excuse me, driver,

why are we getting off this exit?

To pick up the other members of your party.

Right.

The other members of our party.

[FORCED CHUCKLE]

The other members of our party?

What other members of our party?

I didn't even know we were in a party.

Oh, I'm telling you, the jig is up.

It was a bad jig to begin with.

We never should've started this jig.

It was a good jig.

It was a bad jig,

a terrible, terrible jig.

What are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now?

They're going to know you're not O'Brien.

There could be more than one O'Brien who ordered a limo.

First of all,

you don't look like any O'Brien, period.

Well, you should've been O'Brien.

I don't even want to be Murphy anymore. Do I still have to be?

Yes, you have to. It makes no sense, me being Murphy.

You're Murphy. I'm Seinfeld.

You're Murphy!

Look, let's just jump out of the car.

We're doing 60 miles an hour.

So we jump and roll.

You won't get hurt.

Who are you, Mannix?

Why are we slowing down?

Are those the people?

Are those the people?

All right, put your hands up over your face.

Pretend you're sleeping.

[DOOR OPENS]

Mr. O'Brien.

Uh, no, I'm Dylan Murphy.

Mr. O'Brien had a long trip.

He's sleeping. [SNORES]

Oh.

[WHISPERING] Well, I don't want to disturb him.

We're just really excited

to meet him face-to-face finally.

We're faithful readers of his newsletter.

Newsletter?

Newsletter?

And of course

his great book, The Big Game.

Oh, yes,

he's very proud of his work

in the, uh... big game.

[SNORING]

So you've never, uh, met him before?

[WHISPERING] No.

Never seen a picture of him?

Never.

Not even on the book jacket?

There was no picture on the book jacket.

Hey, O'Brien, wake up. Come on. We got company.

[GRUNTS]

Wake up.

GEORGE [LAUGHING]: Well, hello!

GEORGE [LAUGHING]: Well, hello!

I'm O'Brien.

Hey!

Hey.

You took a cab?

Yeah. So?

How much do you make?

I'm not telling you.

Oh, come on. No.

I'll tell you how much I make.

I know how much you make.

[SIGHS]

I don't even know why I'm doing this.

I don't even like basketball.

Oh. You ever see Michael Jordan?

Well, just in those commercials.

Well, just in those commercials.

Well, maybe you'll see him do one of those 360 dunks.

What's that?

Oh, it's like this. Here. You guard me.

What?

The fake!

[CAT MEWLS]

[GARBAGE CANS CLATTERING]

You know what I never get with the limo?

The tinted windows.

I mean, nobody cares who's in the limo anyway.

You see a limo go by,

you know it's either a rich guy or 50 prom kids with $1.75 each.

Being in the back of a limo, I'm sorry, it's just...

it's not that cool.

Most of the time, you feel like you're in, like,

some depressing single guy's apartment

from, like, 1975.

All that maroon velour furniture,

a couple of bottles of wine,

three cassette tapes, stains.

You're counting, like,

must've been 10,000 asses already on this seat.

I don't think we're going to make the tip-off.

You think someone's been tipped off?

So, uh...

you've read The Big Game, have you?

you've read The Big Game, have you?

Yes, I've read it, and...

and I've memorized it.

Ooh. Well...

tell me your impressions.

I would love to hear what a young woman thinks

of The Big Game.

Well, this is sort of embarrassing,

but it's changed my life.

The way you analyzed the game,

the way you identify the major players,

well, it left me breathless.

You're a brilliant...

brilliant man.

Well, it's...

It's just a game.

Remember that, kids.

"Just a game." He's so humble.

Don't forget what you wrote in the epilogue.

"The fate of the world

"depends on the outcome of this...

game," hmm?

Well, I was exaggerating a bit. Just for effect.

He tends to exaggerate.

But, uh, I mean, it's serious, but...

We are really looking forward

to your speech tonight.

My-- My speech.

Yes, your secretary

Yes, your secretary

faxed me the copy.

Would you like to look it over?

Well, you might as well look it over.

So, what's going on?

How did all this happen?

Jerry and George called me from this limo,

and they said we're all going

to the Knicks-Bulls game.

Limo?

I thought that George went to pick him up.

He did.

Well, then, why would they take a limo from the airport?

I don't know.

Well, that's pretty strange.

Well, that's pretty strange.

He say anything else?

Yeah. He said, um...

He said it's really important

that we call them O'Brien and Murphy.

O'Brien?

Why would he want to be called O'Brien?

"And the Jews...

"steal our money

"through their Zionist-occupied government

"and use the black man to bring drugs

into our oppressed white-minority communities."

into our oppressed white-minority communities."

You're not going to open with that, are you?

What was that you said

about the myth of the Holocaust?

Pfft.

Said so many things--

[BANG]

They're shooting! They're shooting!

All right, get down!

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

Oh.

I'm ready to die for you.

Oh, that's--

Oh, that's--

That's really very nice of you, Eva.

Thank you.

But, of course, you know I would.

I would do anything for you.

Anything.

Nothing to worry about. It was just a flat tire,

but rest assured...

[BRIEFCASE CLICKS]

We're prepared to handle anything that might come up.

Nice-looking Luger.

I'm standing in front of the Paramount,

adjacent to Madison Square Garden,

where a growing number

of vociferous and angry demonstrators

are gathering to protest

the very first public appearance

of Donald O'Brien,

the leader of the Midwestern regional chapter

of the Aryan Union,

and reputed to be their most charismatic spokesman.

The reclusive Mr. O'Brien is an advocate

of the violent overthrow of the government.

He has openly professed a deep admiration

of Adolf Hitler.

Even David Duke has denounced him

as a dangerous extremist.

There is a full house inside awaiting his arrival

from the airport.

from the airport.

Sources tell me he is en route

and should be arriving momentarily.

Police have set up barricades,

but, quite frankly, Bill and Jean,

I don't think they're any match

for the emotional fuse that has been lit here tonight.

Reporting from the Paramount, I'm Jodi Baskerville.

Back to you in the studio.

Something's very strange here.

George goes to the airport

to pick up Jerry.

They come back in a limo

with four tickets to the basketball game

and want to be called O'Brien and Murphy.

O'Brien. O'Brien? Why O'Brien?

Elaine?

Dan.

Dan.

Excuse me a minute.

Hi, Dan.

How are you?

Good.

Um, oh.

This is, um...Kramer.

Kramer.

What's going on? Huh? Oh.

We're headed down to protest

this big neo-Nazi rally.

The head of the Aryan Union

is speaking.

He's in from Chicago.

You should come.

Oh, we can't.

We're going to the Knicks-Bulls game.

Oh, well, that's...

that's where the rally is,

at the Paramount, right next door.

Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you.

Oh, well, maybe we'll run into you.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

It's really gonna be something.

It's the first time he's ever appeared in public.

No one even knows what he looks like. Who?

The head of the Aryan Union.

O'Brien.

JERRY: What's taking them so long out there?

Did you see the way she was looking at me?

She's a Nazi, George.

A Nazi.

I know. I know.

Kind of a cute Nazi, though.

Well, are we gonna make a plan

Well, are we gonna make a plan

before they come back?

What are we gonna do?

I don't know.

Let's just make a run for it.

I can't run. I have a bad hamstring.

How did that happen? I hurt it in a hotel room.

You know the way they tuck the covers in real tight

in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that,

so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it.

Why do they make their beds so tight?

You sleep with your feet like that.

It's for a mental patient.

Wait a minute. The phone.

We'll call the police.

911.

She said she'd do anything.

Yeah, hello. Police?

Yeah, hello. Police?

Listen, we're in the back of a limo in Queens--

[DOOR OPENS]

Uh...

Astroturf!

You know who's responsible for that,

don't you?

The Jews!

Oh, the Jews hate grass. They always have.

They always will.

We'll be ready in a minute.

Would you excuse us for a minute, Tim-boy?

We're, uh...

kind of in the middle of something here.

With all due respect,

Mr. O'Brien, we're just about to leave.

Tim...

who's the head of the Aryan Union,

you or me?

TIM: You are.

And who is responsible

for making hate-mongering and fascism

popular again?

TIM: You are.

Okay?

I think you forgot something.

I'm sorry.

Good.

Now, get out.

Okay, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

All right, how's this?

We wait till we get to your street corner,

We wait till we get to your street corner,

we see Elaine and Kramer, then we get out.

They can't shoot us in the city.

Nah. No one's ever been shot in the city.

I'm telling you, something is going on.

I can feel it,

sense it.

I'm sure he was just joking around.

Oh, no, no, no. This is no joke.

O'Brien's coming in from Chicago.

Jerry's in a limo, says he's O'Brien.

That's not funny.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Yes!

What? What is it?

Don't you see?

There's always been something very strange about Jerry,

always so clean and organized.

So?

Do I have to spell it out for you?

The limo, the name,

the rally at Madison Square Garden.

Jerry... O'Brien... are the same person.

Jerry is the leader of the Aryan Union!

Jerry's a Nazi?

Oh, boy, I can't even believe I didn't see it.

Listen, you idiot, just calm down.

Listen, you idiot, just calm down.

I know Jerry.

He's not a Nazi.

You don't think so?

No. He's just neat.

[WHISTLING "IF I WERE A RICH MAN"]

TIM: You know, it's funny.

You don't look like an O'Brien.

Me?

Yeah, right.

Get a load of this guy.

[LAUGHING]

And you really don't look like a Murphy.

And you really don't look like a Murphy.

I may not look like a Murphy,

but I act like a Murphy.

He's extremely Murphy. He's Murphy to a fault.

Where are you from?

Dublin.

Originally.

My parents came over here when I was 18.

Cereal famine.

Couldn't get a bowl anywhere.

It was bad.

[IRISH ACCENT] 'Tis a beautiful country, though.

Lush rolling hills,

and the peat, ah, the peat.

Sounds more like Scottish.

We were right on the border.

We were right on the border.

Maybe he's with the company.

What?

The CIA.

Maybe they placed him in there

to infiltrate the organization from within.

Well, what about his comedy act?

That's the perfect cover.

All that time on the road...

Look, Jerry, he's too normal to be a comedian.

These comedians, they're sick, neurotic people.

Well, what about George?

What about him? He's part of it.

His whole personality is a disguise.

There's no real person can act the way he does.

Elaine, I'm telling you,

Elaine, I'm telling you,

they're with the organization.

They're all part of it.

He's in there with Helms and Hunt and Liddy,

that whole crowd.

Uh-huh.

George and Jerry,

they probably know who killed Kennedy.

I bet they were even in on it.

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

All right, all right, what are we going to do?

I'm not going to let them hurt you.

I'm not going to...

[MUFFLED] Kramer, you're hurting me!

Those are our friends I was telling you about.

Get off of me!

We're going to talk to them. Pull over.

Get off of me! It's all right.

Get off!

Hey, O'Brien!

Hey, O'Brien!

O'Brien! Is that him?

Yeah, that's him!

Hey, man, look, there's O'Brien!

No-good Nazi bastard!

Let's get him! Get him!

Get him!

What do we do?

Get in the car! Get in the car!

What? What?

[MEN SHOUTING] Come on, hey!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

O'Brien.

Long time no see.

How's tricks, Murphy?

Why did you call him O'Brien and him Murphy?

No, he was talking to me.

He's cross-eyed.

He's cross-eyed.

It can be very confusing.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Yeah?

Eva?

It's for me.

EVA: Hello?

It's O'Brien.

O'Brien?

Well, that's weird.

Who are you?

I'm Jerry Seinfeld. I'm George Costanza.

He's Jerry Seinfeld. He's George Costanza.

He's Jerry Seinfeld. He's George Costanza.

This is really a misunderstanding.

His car broke down. I told him...

And my car started shaking violently

about a mile out, and I...

So he picks me up without a car.

The limousine has just pulled up.

It's being surrounded by a huge crowd of protesters.

This has the makings of a very ugly scene.

I just didn't have anything to do tonight,

and then the phone rang, and it was Jerry...

JERRY: We just wanted to get a ride into the city.

ELAINE: And he was...

He was supposed to pick me up, but...

And did I want to go to the basketball game?

They are banging on the car, trying to flip it over.

They are banging on the car, trying to flip it over.

The police seem unable or unwilling

to control the crowd.

I would imagine

Mr. O'Brien must be having some very grave doubts

if he made the right choice

for his first public appearance.

We do not want to antagonize Nazis.

...the Nazi way.

We have no intention of upsetting Nazis.

GEORGE: Do whatever you want...

If you don't bother us, we won't bother you.

I don't want to make you unhappy.

I swear.

I swear.

I swear. I swear. I swear.

Get out!

Open the door.

Open the door.

Look! Look, it's Dan!

Hi, Dan!

Elaine?

Hi!

Come on, let's go. Go. Dan!

I am not O'Brien! I am not O'Brien!

I repeat, I am not O'Brien!

Ask anyone!

Jerry! Jerry!

So I was watching this movie the other night.

It was a World War II movie,

and, uh, there was Nazis in the movie,

and I noticed that the Nazis in those movies

always had, like, two separate heils.

They had, like, the regular heil that they would do,

and then, when they were around the offices,

they had, like, this casual heil.

Do you remember that one? Did you ever notice that?

They come in the office, "Yeah, heil, how are you?

"What's, uh... Is the kid back with the coffee yet?

"Come on, are you finished with the copier?

"Yeah, world domination, Aryan race,

"so whose doughnuts are those?

"Yeah, heil, nice to see you.

Can I have one of those doughnuts?"

[♪]

[♪]