Original subtitles

I tell you, I never really understood

the importance of the conductor.

I mean, between you and me...

what the hell is this guy doing?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I mean, do you really need somebody

waving a stick in your face

to play the violin? Does that really help you out?

I could see how we need him at the beginning, okay?

Tap, tap, tap.

"Start." Okay.

I could see how you need that.

But once we're going, okay.

Once it's all happening...

what do we need him for then?

what do we need him for then?

I don't see the cellist looking up, going,

"I'm confused. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do."

And the conductor go, "Do this, this. Like this."

"Oh, okay, thank you. Thank you very much."

Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it.

I'm never gonna meet anybody. I should just accept it.

Oh, yes, you will. No, I won't.

Yeah, maybe you won't.

I mean, it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike,

much less like.

Are my nostrils getting bigger? No.

See, why must it be so difficult?

Why is all this tension and hostility?

Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street

and say, "Hi"?

"I'm George. How are you?"

"I'm George. How are you?"

Is that so terrible?

H-H-- Hi.

[CLEARS THROAT] H-Hi.

Hi.

There's just no men out there, you know? I know.

I mean, the problem is...

that the good ones know they're good.

And they know they're in such demand,

they're just not interested in

confining themselves to one person.

I hate the good ones.

Is Jerry one of the good ones?

That's a good question. I think he thinks he is.

Well, the mediocre ones are available.

Well, the mediocre ones are available.

But they're so insecure about not being one of the good ones

that they're always going, "I'm not good enough for you."

And "What are you doing with me?"

And eventually I just go, "You're right."

You know, maybe you need

somebody between good and mediocre.

No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing.

Somebody who just has to appreciates being with me

because he's so desperate.

[SMACKING]

I mean, it's gotten to the point

where I'm flirting with operators on the phone.

I almost made a date with one.

Oh, so there's still hope.

I don't want hope.

Hope is killing me.

My dream is to become hopeless.

When you're hopeless, you don't care.

Mm-hmmm. And when you don't care,

that indifference makes you attractive.

Uh-huh.

So hopelessness is the key.

It's my only hope.

You see, I wouldn't really mind so much,

but I feel badly for my mother.

I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad.

But, I'm telling you,

if I'm not married by the time I'm 40,

if I'm not married by the time I'm 40,

I'm gonna have to kill her.

Because it's the only fair thing to do.

I just couldn't put her through that.

Well...

at least you're not bitter.

Who says I'm not bitter?

Aren't you too young to be bitter?

No, you can be young and bitter.

Just maybe not as bitter

as I'm gonna be 10 years from now, but...

I'm bitter.

Anyway, don't tell anyone.

Don't worry. Your bitterness is safe with me.

Don't worry. Your bitterness is safe with me.

Okay, um...

Order me a piece of cake.

I'm gonna go throw up.

JERRY: Look at my hands.

Look.

They're filthy from the paper.

You know, they should give you a Wet-Nap when you buy one,

like at those rib joints.

So, what did you do last night?

Went out with George. You?

Went out with Cynthia.

How was it? What did you talk about?

How was it? What did you talk about?

Oh, you know, the usual.

The Federal Reserve, the rain forest.

Cynthia felt we should nuke the rain forest.

You know, get rid of it in one fell swoop

so we could at least eliminate it

as a subject of conversation.

What about you?

We brushed on that. Mm-hmm.

Actually, George was in rare form.

He just can't find anybody.

Yeah. I know. Cynthia too.

She's really given up.

She's really given up.

George too.

[CHUCKLES] [SIGHS]

Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

I've never fixed anybody up.

Ugh! Me neither

And I am not about to start with George.

Well, why wouldn't you start with George?

You think she's too good for George?

I didn't say "too good." Did I say "too good"?

No, you implied it.

I didn't say it.

I didn't say it.

Because if you think she's too good for George,

you are dead wrong.

Dead wrong.

Who is she?

Who is he?

He's George.

She's Cynthia.

So what?

What, you don't think she's beautiful?

I don't know. What's with the eyebrows?

You know what your problem is?

Your standards are too high.

I went out with you.

That's because my standards are too low.

And by the way, you know,

women kill for eyebrows like that.

Do you know that?

I mean, women pluck

their real eyebrows

out of their head

one by one

until they're bald, Jerry,

bald above the eyes.

And then they paint in these eyebrows

to look like that.

Well, let me tell you something about George.

He is fast.

He is fast.

He can run like the wind.

And he's strong.

I've seen him lift 100 pounds over his head

without even knowing it.

And you wouldn't know it to look at him,

but George can bait a hook.

He can really do that?

Come on, let's do it. I think they'll really get along.

What, are you into this?

Yeah, come on, it's a good match.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

They're gonna be telling us how their dates went.

Are we gonna share that information?

Naturally.

But wait a minute. We're gonna tell each other everything?

I mean, every secret?

I mean, every secret?

Everything.

[GIGGLES] What if it worked out?

Yeah, right.

GEORGE: Out of the question.

Out of the question.

Why? No.

I'm not gonna do that.

It's one step away from personal ads.

Then prostitutes.

No! No!

I am not going down that road.

What does she look like?

She's good-looking. How good-looking?

Very good-looking. Really good-looking?

Really very good-looking.

Would you take her out?

Yes, I would take her out.

Oh, you hesitated.

What hesitate? I didn't hesitate.

Something's up here. You hesitated.

I'm telling you, she's good-looking.

What about the body? What kind of body.

Good body. Nice body.

How nice? Nice.

Just nice? Pretty nice.

Really good?

Really very nice and good.

What about personality? Good personality.

Funny.

Bright. Smarter than me?

I don't want anyone smarter than me.

How could she be smarter than you?

All right, let's see. Let's see. What else?

What else?

Oh, yeah. What does she do?

First of all...

what does he do?

He was in real estate.

Um, now, he's not working right now--

Um, now, he's not working right now--

Oh! He's not working? No.

No. No. No.

How come he's not working?

Well-- Well, I mean,

[LAUGHS] he got fired.

Why did he get fired?

W-- Uh...

Oh, right.

Um, well, he...

He tried to...

poison his boss.

Excuse me?

It's such a long story, Cynthia.

Seriously, I mean, he just had some problems at work.

Is he nuts? No!

Is he nuts? No!

No, no. He's a really, really funny guy.

[LAUGHS]

What does he look like?

Pardon?

What does he look like?

Um... Well, he's got a lot of character in his face.

Um, he's short.

Um, he's stocky.

He's fat.

Is that what you're saying, that he fat?

Powerful.

He is so powerful.

He can lift 100 pounds right up over his head.

And, um...

What else? What else?

What else? What else?

Oh, r-- Um

Right, well...

Yeah, he's-- He's kind of--

Just kind of, unh,

losing his hair.

He's bald?

No!

No, no, no.

He's not bald.

He's balding.

So he will be bald?

Yeah.

What kind of hair?

You know, long, dark hair.

Flowing?

Flowing?

Is it flowing?

I like flowing, cascading hair.

I like flowing, cascading hair.

Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.

"Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me,"

Is that what you said? Yeah, that's right.

Just clarifying.

Let me ask you this.

If you stick your hand in the hair...

is it easy to get it out?

Do you wanna be able to get it out?

Or do you wanna not be able to get it out?

I'd like to be able to get it out.

I think you'll get it out.

What about the skin?

I need a good cheek. I like a good cheek.

She's got a fine cheek.

Is there a pinkish hue?

A pinkish hue?

Yes, a-- A rosy glow.

There's a hue.

She's got great eyebrows.

Women kill to have her eyebrows.

Who cares about eyebrows?

Is she sweet?

I like sweet.

But not too sweet. You could throw up from that.

I don't think you'll throw up.

She likes to throw up.

Has he ever been married?

No.

Has he been close?

He once spent a weekend with a woman.

He didn't really try to poison his boss.

Yeah, he did.

GEORGE: We had an incredible phone conversation.

We talked for like 20 minutes.

I threw away my notes in the middle of the call.

You know, I thought she had a great voice timbre.

Is it "timbre" or "tambre"?

I think it's tambre.

Huh. Why did I think it was timbre?

Yeah, she could do voice-over commercials.

Why didn't you tell me about her voice?

I didn't notice the voice.

It's mellifluous.

So, Saturday night.

She had to be impressed by that conversation. Had to.

She had to be impressed by that conversation. Had to.

It was a great performance. I am unbelievable on the phone.

On the date, they should just have

two phones on the table at the restaurant.

Done.

[LAUGHS]

Hi. Hi!

You know? Saturday night.

I know.

So, what did she say?

She said you're getting together Saturday night.

Yeah.

That's it?

Yeah.

She didn't mention anything about the conversation?

No.

Well, you see? I don't get that.

Well, you see? I don't get that.

What, we had a relaxed, stimulating, great conversation.

She doesn't mention it? Why doesn't she mention it?

What? Well, she could've

mentioned the conversation. All right. All right.

I'll go on the date, but that's that.

Hey.

ALL: Hey.

Do you know my friend Bob Sakamano?

Oh, the guy from Jersey.

Yeah, he just got a job at a condom factory in Edison.

Look at this. He gave me a gross.

Look at that.

What are you gonna do with all of them?

Oh, well.

Come on. Take some, Jerry. Grab them.

No, thanks. They look like they came out of a cereal box.

Hey, come on, Elaine, here. Take half a bag.

Gotta, gotta.

Half a bag?

What am I, a hooker?

Anyway, they look kind of cheap.

Naw.

I'll take one.

I'll take one.

Yeah.

It's possible.

The problem with the condom is still...

buying them.

I think we should have, like, a secret...

signal with the druggist.

That you just walk into the drug store,

go to the counter. He looks at you.

And if you go like this--

He puts them in the bag for you. That's it.

Show up there, you put

your little shaving cream,

your little toothpaste, you know.

"How are you today?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"Have a nice day."

"You too."

So where are they already? It's a quarter to 12.

They should be back by now. What did they do?

I think they went out to dinner.

Oh, wait. I got another call. That must be him.

Hello. Yeah, it's me. I just got home.

Oh, hold on.

It's George. He just got home.

Yeah, yeah. I got Cynthia on the other line.

I'll call you back as soon as I'm done.

Remember our pact: full disclosure.

Of course.

Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead.

All right, look, I'm gonna tell you,

but I made a pact with Cynthia.

We swore we were not gonna tell you and Elaine.

You can tell me. I'll vault it. It's in the vault?

I'm locking the vault. What? Come on.

We had sex.

Oh, my God, you had sex?

How did that happen?

I don't know.

I closed my eyes and made a move.

At your apartment? Yeah.

She didn't stay over? No. She left.

But l-listen, you can't mention any of this to Elaine.

Cynthia will kill me. We made a deal.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

He was uncomfortable because it was our first time.

So he felt he'd perform better if we did it in the kitchen.

What?

Yeah, he says the kitchen

is always the most sociable room in the house.

And he was serious.

So how was it?

How good could it be?

My head was on a hot plate.

Oh. Wait, I got another call. That must be Jerry.

Oh, wait. Don't you tell him any of this.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

Hello? So, what did she say?

What did he have to say?

He said he had a good time.

He said he had a good time.

Her too.

Oh, good.

Anything else?

No.

You?

No.

You sure?

Yeah.

You?

Yeah.

All right, well...

I guess everything is under control.

Yeah. Okay then.

Alrighty.

Good night. Good night.

GEORGE: I left three messages.

I can't believe this woman.

She has sex with me, leaves 10 minutes later,

then I never hear from her again.

What kind of a person does this?

I mean, she used me.

I feel...

cheap and violated.

Well, I'm gonna do something about this.

Oh, what are you gonna do?

Never mind.

Disgraceful.

Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like--

Like some kind of roach trap.

The "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am."

The "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am."

"Sir." Whatever.

She's not gonna get away with this.

I-I-I keep racking my brain

to try and figure out what I did.

I was smart. I was funny. I--

I made great small talk with the waitress

so she could see I could relate to the commoners.

You know, I'm a man of the people.

I'm gonna call her. No, don't call.

No, I'm calling her. No, Jerry, don't call.

No, forget it. I don't want you to.

I'm calling. Get away from me. Jerry, don't. Give me the phone.

You wanna fight me? Jerry, I'm gonna kill you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, come on, Jerry, George. Now stop it.

I'll call her when you leave. I don't care.

You can't. It's none of your business!

It is so my business. Give me that!

Hey, hey! Stop it, boys!

I don't want another word from either of you.

Well, tell him to give me my-- Hey, hey, hey!

The next one of you that opens your mouth, says something,

you're gonna have to deal with me.

You know, I bet I know what this is about.

It's about a woman, isn't it?

Yeah, but-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see?

Yeah, but-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see?

This is exactly what they wanna do to you.

They play one against the other.

You can't let them manipulate you like that.

But, Kramer-- No, no, no!

I want you guys to shake hands.

Come on, there are plenty women out there for all of us.

Let's go. Shake.

Yes! You see?

Isn't that better than fighting?

Animosity?

I mean, you wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me.

Oh, by the way, George. You know those condoms I gave you?

They're defective. Don't use them.

What? Yeah.

Defective? Yeah.

How could you give me a defective condom?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I didn't even know they were defective.

I didn't even think you'd use them.

What do you mean--!

All right. Take it easy. Take it easy.

You guys, just spread out!

Don't worry about it.

If anything was wrong, she'd have called you already.

I missed my period.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God!

I am very worried.

I am never late.

But he used a condom, right?

I know, but these things aren't always foolproof.

Oh, no.

What?

Was it blue?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Yeah. How'd you know?

Just a hunch.

JERRY: Ow!

Ow!

It says "twist-off." Twist off!

Twist! Off!

Oh, hi.

Soda?

No, thanks.

So tell me.

What's the problem with your little flaky friend?

She doesn't return calls?

Ah, who are you to talk about her like that?

She'll call him when she's good and ready.

She'll call him when she's good and ready.

You don't even know her.

Oh, I know her.

I know her type.

Her type?

What type?

The type that doesn't return phone calls.

I knew we shouldn't have done it.

It was a bad idea in the first place. I told you.

You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me.

It was your idea.

I was just helping your bitter, twisted friend.

She's not bitter.

Well, bitter's a judgment call, but she's twisted.

Twisted? God, I did you a favor!

You said they had a good time.

Is there anything else you're keeping from me?

Is there anything else you're keeping from me?

Are you calling me a liar?

I'm calling you one if you are.

You a liar? Are you?

Get your finger out of my face.

Get yours out. I was here first.

I don't care. Get it out!

Get it out! Out! Out!

Hey, hey, hey! All right.

Hey, hey! Come on, stop it!

Come on. Break it up!

Hey, hey!

What's the matter with you?

Now, don't you two see...

that you're in love with each other?

I mean, why can't you face that already?

I mean, why can't you face that already?

You're running around out there

looking for something that's not even there

when everything that you dream of

is right here

right here in front of you.

Now why can't you admit that?

By the way, when you see George, give him these. These'll work.

[GASPS]

I knew those condoms were defective!

Oh. How did you know

they were defective?!

Because!

Because she missed her period!

She missed her period?

Oh, my God!

I can't believe it.

I'm a father!

I did it!

My boys can swim!

I can do it!

I can do it!

I'm a father!

CYNTHIA: So he shows up.

He's all out of breath. He's disheveled.

And he tells me that no matter happens,

whatever I decide

is fine with him. [GASPS]

And that I could depend on him

and that he would be there

and that he would be there

to support me in whatever way I need.

Elaine, I was speechless.

Wow. Wow.

You see? You think you know somebody.

I said to him, "I really appreciate this, but

I just got my period."

Yeah. And so I asked him to come in--

GEORGE: Hi. Oh, hi.

Sorry we're late. We got so...

hung up in traffic. I'm sorry.

What happened? Acting.

Very mature. Thank you.

Hi, Cynthia. Hi.

Well, this is a great place to sit you got here.

It's the best seat in the house.

Right next to the kitchen.

Oh, stop it. Stop it.

[LAUGHS]

So, what are these?

Oh, we ordered appetizers. Start eating.

Oh, fabulous.

Mmm. Mm-mmm.

Mmmm.

This is good. Oh, this is good.

Is that salt? Is this salt on this?

Is there salt on this?

But have you ever fixed anybody up?

Why do we do it? Why? WOMAN: Good time.

Why do we do it? Why? WOMAN: Good time.

You thought they would have a good time

and little power trips for you, isn't it?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Now you're playing God. Of course, God...

was the first person to fix people up.

He fixed up Adam and Eve, you know?

I'm sure he said to Adam, "No, she's nice.

"She's, uh...

"She's, uh...

"Yes, she's very free about her body.

"Doesn't really wear much.

She was going out with a snake. I think that's over though."

[♪]