Original subtitles

It seems the way they've designed the car alarm

is so that the car will behave

as if it was a nervous, hysterical person.

Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it...

[MIMICS SIREN WAILING]

Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy.

Not everyone wants to draw that much attention

to themselves. Wouldn't it be nice if you could

have a car alarm that was a little more subtle?

Maybe just, you know,

somebody tries to break in, and it goes...

[CLEARS THROAT]

[LAUGHTER]

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Excuse me?"

I would like a car alarm like that.

Do you believe this?

Car was parked right out front.

Was the alarm on?

I don't know. I guess it was on.

I don't know my alarm sound.

I'm not tuned into it like it's my son.

I don't understand.

How do these thieves start the car?

They cross the wires or something.

Cross the wires?

I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.

Hey.

They stole my car.

Who did?

They did.

What? Is there more than just one?

What? Is there more than just one?

What should I do? Call the police?

What are they gonna do?

You know, I'd better call the car-phone company,

cancel my service.

Maybe you should call your car phone.

Yeah.

He's probably driving it right now.

Wait a minute. Call the car phone.

See what happens.

Are you serious? Yeah, go ahead. Call.

I don't even know if I remember the number.

What do I say if he picks up?

MAN: Hello.

MAN: Hello.

Hello.

Is this 555-8383?

I have no idea.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Did you steal my car?

Yes, I did.

You did? I did.

But that's my car. I didn't know it was yours.

What are you gonna do with it?

I don't know. Drive around.

Then can I have it back?

Mmmm... No, I'm gonna keep it.

Let me talk to him. Give it, give it, give it.

Let me talk to him. Give it, give it, give it.

Hello.

Yeah, who's this?

Kramer.

Hello, Kramer.

Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment.

Wait, hold it.

De, de, de-dee ♪

Brown ones?

Yeah.

Listen, could you mail those to me?

Or bring them by my building. It's 129 West 81st Street.

129. Okay.

All right, thanks a lot. Here's Jerry.

Gloves.

Hello. Jerry.

Yeah. Let me ask you a question.

How do you cross those wires?

I didn't cross any wires. The keys were in it.

Sid left the keys in the car.

All right, I gotta go. Drive carefully.

Hey, Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up?

Because I can't find the owner's--

Sid left the keys in the car.

Who's Sid?

He's this guy in the neighborhood.

Parks cars on the block.

What do you mean?

He moves them from one side to the other,

He moves them from one side to the other,

so you don't get ticketed.

You pay him for that?

Yeah. Like 50 bucks a month.

How many people does he do that for?

The whole block, 40, 50 cars.

He only works three hours a day.

He makes a fortune.

He's been doing that for years, right, Jerry?

Could anybody do that?

Hey, Sid, what happened?

I'm sorry, Jerry.

Maybe I'm getting too old for this stuff.

You left the keys in the car?

Well, you know.

They're making that Woody Allen movie on the block

and all those people and trucks everywhere

and when I saw him, I must've got a little distracted.

and when I saw him, I must've got a little distracted.

You know I'm in that movie.

You're what?

Yeah, I'm an extra.

How'd you get that?

Well, I was just watching them film yesterday,

and some guy just asked me.

Right out of the clear blue sky?

Clear blue sky.

Why didn't they ask me?

I got a quality.

Hey, Jerry, you got insurance, right?

Yeah, but no car. I'll have to rent one.

I'm going to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday

for a week, so I can't park it.

This Wednesday?

No, next Wednesday.

Week after this Wednesday.

But the Wednesday two days from now

But the Wednesday two days from now

is the next Wednesday.

If I meant this Wednesday,

I would've said, "this Wednesday."

It's the week after this Wednesday.

Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?

Whoever wants to move them. What do I care who moves them?

They can move themselves if they want.

Maybe I could move them until you get back.

What's a young man like you want to move cars for?

You don't work?

I'm in a transition phase right now.

Well, if you want to move the cars, move the cars.

Well, if you want to move the cars, move the cars.

Just don't forget to take the keys out. That's all

All right.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom.

Just slide it all the way over.

You're welcome.

I'm in awe of his intellect.

When he talks, it sounds like

he's reading from one of his novels.

Owen March. I never heard of him.

Well, he's not a baseball player.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, so it sounds like it's going pretty good.

Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.

Yeah. Well, there is one little problem.

What's that? He's 66 years old.

WOMAN: Next, please.

Go. Go. She-- Go. Come on.

Can I help you? Name, please.

Uh, Seinfeld. I made a reservation for a midsize,

and she's a small.

I'm kidding around, of course.

Yes.

Okay, let's see here.

Sixty-six years old?

Yeah, well, he's in perfect health.

He works out. He's vibrant. You'd really like him.

He works out. He's vibrant. You'd really like him.

Why do people always say that?

I hate everybody. Why would I like him?

So, what do you think?

Could you go out with a 66-year-old woman?

Well, I'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant.

So vibrant she'd be spinning.

I'm sorry.

We have no midsize available at the moment.

I don't understand. I made a reservation.

Do you have my reservation?

Yes, we do. Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.

But the reservation keeps the car here.

That's why you have the reservation.

I know why we have reservations.

I know why we have reservations.

I don't think you do.

If you did, I'd have a car.

See, you know how to take the reservation.

You just don't know how to hold the reservation.

And that's really the most important part

of the reservation, the holding.

Anybody can just take them.

Let me speak with my supervisor.

Well, here we go.

Well, here we go.

The supervisor.

Know what she's saying over there?

What?

"Hey, Marge, see those two people?

"They think I'm talking to you.

"So you pretend like you're talking to me.

Okay, now you start talking."

"You mean like this? So it looks like I'm saying something,

but I'm not really saying anything at all?"

"Okay. Now you say something else, and they won't yell at me,

because they thought I was checking with you."

"Okay, I think. I think that's enough. See you later."

I'm sorry. My supervisor says there's nothing we can do.

Yeah, it looked like you were in a real conversation over there.

But we do have a compact if you would like that.

But we do have a compact if you would like that.

Fine. All right.

Well, we have a blue Ford Escort for you, Mr. Seinfeld.

Would you like insurance?

Yeah, you better give me the insurance,

because I am gonna beat the hell out of this thing.

Please fill this out.

So, what do you think?

Do you think I'm making a big mistake?

Hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important.

I love being with him.

I mean, I like being with him.

I mean, I like being with him.

It's okay being with him.

I just don't enjoy being with him.

Well, that's what's important.

I'm meeting him for lunch at Chadway's, around the corner.

Do I have to break up with him face to face,

or can I just do it over the phone?

How many times have you been out?

Seven.

Face to face.

Seven dates is a face-to-face breakup?

If it was six, I could've let you go.

But seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit.

Unless, of course, there was no sex.

Unless, of course, there was no sex.

[HORNS HONKING, CAR ALARMS WAILING OUTSIDE]

Hmm.

How's the pasta over there?

Hey-- Whoa! Whoa!

What is going on out there?

I need, like, a bucket of water.

I got a car overheating.

I got an alarm that won't go off.

I'm pressing one. I'm pressing two. Nothing.

What do I do? Help me. Help me.

[KEYS JANGLE]

Hey you know they were supposed

Hey you know they were supposed

to do my scene today.

Today? Yeah.

You know they told me that they wanted me

to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries.

So I start to walk, and I trip. And the grocery bag goes flying

and Woody-- Woody starts laughing.

He was laughing?

Oh, yeah. He was drinking something.

It started to come out of his nose.

So then what?

I got a line in the movie!

Get out!

That's great.

Ha-ha!

You got a line in a Woody Allen movie?

Pretty good, huh?

You're in the movie?

You're in the movie?

Is he in the scene?

Oh yeah, yeah. It's me and him.

I might have a whole new career on my hands, huh?

You mean "a career."

So was Mia Farrow there?

I didn't see him.

What's your line?

Well, okay, I'm there with Woody, you know.

I'm at this bar, and, uh, I'm sit--

You know it's Woody Allen. Did I mention that?

We got it. We got it.

And I'm sitting there with Woody,

and I say-- I turn to him and I go,

and I say-- I turn to him and I go,

"Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty."

Is that how you're gonna say it?

No, no. I'm working on it.

Do it like this.

"These pretzels are making me thirsty"

No.

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

No, no. See, that's no good.

See, you don't know how to act.

"These pretzels...

are making me thirsty!"

Oh, that was no good?

I didn't say anything.

All right, I'm gonna go break up with Owen.

What was wrong with that?

I had a different interpretation.

Do you know anything about this pretzel guy?

Maybe he's been in the bar a really long time

and he's really depressed because he has no job,

and no woman

and he's parking cars for a living!

All right! All right! Shut up! Shut up!

I hear you! I'm coming down!

I hear you! I'm coming down!

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Yeah!

[HONKING, WAILING CONTINUE OUTSIDE]

[LOUD KNOCKING]

Oh, my God.

Call an ambulance.

Boy, he took it hard.

ELAINE: We were walking down the block

right by your house, and I was about to break up with him,

and then all of a sudden, he started to twitch.

Yes, I need an ambulance at 129 West 81st Street, Apartment 5A.

Tell them to hurry. Hurry!

Tell them to hurry. Hurry!

It's an ambulance.

I don't know, but he's unconscious.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Kramer.

What happened here?

I don't know. What should we do?

We called an ambulance. Does anyone know first aid?

Do something with the extremities.

What extremities? What's an extremity?

You raise the feet, get blood to the head.

You raise the head, get blood to the feet.

Okay, what about a cold compress?

They always do that.

They always do that.

I don't have a washcloth.

Use a paper towel.

You can't put a paper towel on his head.

What about a big sponge?

How you gonna hold it on? Use a belt.

No, no, no. That'll--

It'll drip all over him.

Should we walk him around?

I've seen them do that.

No, that's for a drug overdose.

Maybe that's what he's got.

No, I just had lunch with him.

He didn't leave the table.

Well, he could've dropped acid when you weren't looking.

He is not a drug addict.

Hey, maybe he's diabetic.

He might just need a cookie or something.

A cookie!

Can you give him a cookie?

Can you give him a cookie?

How's he gonna chew it?

We'll move his teeth. It happened to my uncle.

The sugar revived him.

Careful, you're getting crumbs all over him.

I've got him chewing,

but I don't think he's gonna swallow.

Let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it.

Cookies don't liquefy.

Yes they do. You can liquefy a cookie.

I'll get the blender.

I don't have a blender.

You've got a blender.

I'd know if I had a blender.

Where is the ambulance?!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[THUD, GLASS SHATTERS]

Hello, yes. I called for an ambulance

like 35 minutes ago.

I can't believe what's going on out here.

This is an emergency. What's taking so long?

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Wait a second. Maybe that's them.

Hello.

MAN: Paramedics.

Come on up. Okay, they're here.

He seems to be breathing.

You know, I got to tell you,

he's a pretty good-looking guy.

I know.

Those eyebrows could use a trimming.

You ever mention that to him?

You ever mention that to him?

Almost.

I mean, because, come on,

they're running wild there.

It's not an easy thing to bring up.

Yeah, that's true.

You should see his bathrobe, man. It's all silk.

Yeah. Does he wear slippers?

I bet he wears slippers.

He does. How'd you know that?

I could tell.

What happened? What took you so long?

We got here 20 minutes ago, but we couldn't move.

The whole intersection is gridlocked.

I've never seen anything like it.

Finally we make the turn,

and this guy who was running around triple-parking cars

and this guy who was running around triple-parking cars

slammed into us with a blue Escort.

Blue Escort?

That's my rent-a-car!

GEORGE: Oh, man.

What happened to the car?

I'm sorry. You don't know what's going on out there!

Who's he?

This guy I'm seeing.

GEORGE: What happened? We don't know.

Who put cookies in his mouth?

Cookies? Cookies?

You're not supposed to do that.

JERRY: So how'd you hit the car?

I was moving it across the street.

I looked up and I saw Woody Allen.

I got all distracted.

It's not even my car. It's a rental.

What are you doing out there?

What are you doing out there?

You're holding up the production of the movie.

We can't shoot, and Woody, he's really mad at you.

Woody mentioned me? What did he say?

He said, "Who's the moron who's got the street all screwed up?"

Should I apologize to Woody?

All right, I'll tell you what.

Next time I talk to him, maybe I'll bring it up.

I'll feel him out.

What do you think first aid was like hundreds of years ago?

You know, I mean, they had no medicine, no drugs

You know, I mean, they had no medicine, no drugs

no technology, no equipment.

Basically, they were there first.

That was it. That was the whole first aid. They sit with you.

That's all they could do. "Can you help me?"

"No, we can't help you, but we were the first ones here.

"Did you see our truck? 'First aid.' That's our motto.

[LAUGHTER]

We show up before anybody."

You didn't tell me

you didn't know how to drive.

Should've mentioned that.

Well, I know how to drive.

Then how did all those cars get damaged?

Why are people calling me up, screaming on the phone?

Most of them canceled out on me.

Most of them canceled out on me.

Can I get anybody anything?

Moving cars from one side of the street to the other

don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants.

My question to you is: Who's putting your pants on?

I put my pants on, Sid.

I don't believe you.

You can put your pants on, you can move those cars.

I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants.

Who's gonna send money to my sister in Virginia?

Her little boy needs surgery on his foot.

Now he gonna be walking around with a limp,

because you can't park a few cars.

because you can't park a few cars.

Maybe I could call my father.

Hey, you seen the paper yet?

Interestingly enough, no,

inasmuch as it is my paper.

Look there.

There's an article about that writer.

"Owen March, prominent author and essayist,

"suffered a stroke yesterday

in the Upper West Side apartment of a friend."

That's the guy that was here. You're the friend.

Thanks. "The extent of the damage would've been

far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner."

far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner."

Oh, Lord.

"The commotion also delayed production

"of a Woody Allen movie that was shooting up the block.

"A spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker

"said that Mr. Allen was extremely agitated

"and wondered if his days of shooting movies in New York

were over."

Five seconds.

Jerry, I was five seconds away from breaking up with him.

Five seconds! The next words out of my mouth were,

"Owen, it's over."

Can he communicate?

Yeah. Well, he nods.

Yeah. Well, he nods.

And I think he understands me.

He seems to enjoy it when I read to him.

Phew.

All right, she's free.

Hi, I called before. My car got smashed.

So, listen, what should I do?

I mean, if I break up with him now,

it'll look like I'm abandoning him because of his condition.

I'll be ostracized from the community.

What community? There's a community?

Of course there's a community.

All these years, I'm living in a community, I had no idea.

Sir, the estimate on the damage to your car is 2866 dollars.

Sir, the estimate on the damage to your car is 2866 dollars.

Ooh, well, I got the insurance and everything, so--

Yes. In your report, you said you were not the driver

at the time of the accident.

That is right. It was somebody else.

All right, well, sir, you're only covered

for when you're driving the car.

Mm-hm. What's that?

You're not covered for other drivers.

Other drivers? Mm-hm.

Your whole business is based on other drivers.

It's a rented car.

That's who's driving it. Other drivers.

Doesn't my credit card cover me or something?

Not that particular one.

Not that particular one.

I got a hundred cards.

Here, here. Pick a card. Take any card you want.

Go ahead. Whichever one. I don't care.

Really, sir, if you had read the rental agreement--

Did you see the size of that document?

It's like the Declaration of Independence.

Who's gonna read that?

Mr. Seinfeld, as it stands right now,

you are not covered for that damage

and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that.

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Ahhh. It's good, isn't it?

Yankee bean.

Why "Yankee" bean, huh?

Don't they have beans in the South?

I mean, if you order Yankee bean in the South, are they offended?

Huh?

[LAUGHS]

♪ Yankee bean Yankee bean ♪

♪ I like my Yankee ♪

♪ I like my Yankee ♪

♪ Bean ♪

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Owen...

I think we have to talk.

I mean, uh, I have to talk.

It would be nice if we could, but, you know, whatever.

It would be nice if we could, but, you know, whatever.

Um...

Don't get me wrong.

I like coming here and feeding you

and cleaning a little, and paying your bills.

I mean, that's good stuff.

Good stuff.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I have a wonderful time when I'm with you. Wonderful!

But at this point in my life, I'm not really sure

that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person.

that I'm ready to make a commitment to one person.

I'm just not really sure that we have enough in common.

I mean, for example:

I like running in the park,

bicycling,

roller-skating, tennis and, uh, skiing.

And, um, well,

I'm gonna be brutally honest with you now.

It's a bitch to get here. It's two subways.

I have to transfer at 42nd Street to take the double-R.

I have to transfer at 42nd Street to take the double-R.

Anyway, I mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends.

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Can you die from an odor?

I mean, like, if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks

could you actually die from the odor?

An overdose of odor. Good question.

An overdose of odor. Good question.

Do I smell?

No, no, no. I was just down at the 42nd Street subway today.

It is disgusting.

Guess who I bumped into? Owen.

Ah.

He's all right?

Yeah, he's almost fully recovered.

Told me he was just using me for sex.

Let me get that.

No, no, no. I got it.

Please. Come on. Let me.

I smashed your car.

It cost you over 2000 dollars.

Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it.

Oh, man.

What are you doing here?

I got fired from the movie.

Get out of here. What? What?

Well, you know, they were gonna shoot it today.

We rehearsed it twice, and then Woody yells, "Action."

I turn to him and I say,

[IN UNISON] "These pretzels are making me thirsty."

Right.

Then I took a swig of beer

and I slammed the glass down on the bar,

and it shattered.

Ohhh.

Well, one of the pieces must've hit Woody,

Well, one of the pieces must've hit Woody,

and he started crying.

And he yells out, "I'm bleeding," and he runs off.

Anyway, this woman, she came up to me, and she says,

"You're fired."

Boy, I really nailed that scene.

Oh, wait a--

Oh. Oh, for crying out loud.

[♪]

The best part of a relationship is when you're sick.

And the best part of being sick

is when you're in a relationship.

But if I was to get married, you know those vows,

"for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse."

All I need is the sickness. That is the most important one.

"Do you take this man in sickness?"

That's the only time I need somebody there.

The rest of the time, go out, have a ball.

Do whatever you want.

But if I get the sniffles, you better be there.

[♪]