Original subtitles

So I was in the drugstore the other day,

trying to get a cold medication.

Did you ever try and pick one of these out?

It's a wall, it's an entire wall of cold medications.

You're standing there, you're going, "All right.

"All right, all right. Okay, what the hell am I--?

"This is quick-acting, but this is long-lasting.

When do I need to feel good? Now or later?"

It's a tough question.

And then we show you the commercials on TV,

where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know,

and they always show you, like, all the problems that he has.

First of all, they always show you the human body,

First of all, they always show you the human body,

which is usually this guy:

No face, mouth open.

This is how drug companies see the public.

And he's always in, like, a certain pain.

It's like red, wavy lines are going through him, you know,

or he's glowing,

parts of him are on fire sometimes,

lightning is attacking him...

I never had a doctor say to me,

"Are you having pain?" "Yes, I am."

"Are you having any lightning with the pain?"

How did you get fleas?

Because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside,

and they got in his carpet.

Maybe you could get yourself a little bow tie flea collar.

That's real funny.

So are you coming to the party?

Um... I'd go,

but Long Island, it's so far out.

It smacks of desperation.

The whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me,

"You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?"

You know, Ava's gonna be there.

You know, Ava's gonna be there.

Who?

The nice one that works in my office.

Eh... I'll drive.

Oh, well, now you're talking.

It's supposed to be a good party.

Well, what does that mean?

Good dip?

No. There'll be girls there.

There's girls everywhere.

I go out of my apartment,

there's girls in the elevator.

They're in cafeterias, subways. So what?

There's a hundred different things here.

What's the difference between these two?

You got propylparaben?

Got it.

Got it.

You got isobutane 30?

I've got isobutane 20.

A-ha.

You got sorbitan sesquioleate?

Got it.

I have aloe.

You got aloe? I love aloe.

Where do they make yours?

Jersey. White Plains.

Pfft.

JERRY: Girls...

There's girls right here in the store.

Look, look, there's one over there.

Look.

There's another one.

As soon as I walk outside, there'll be girls out there.

As soon as I walk outside, there'll be girls out there.

What's the matter?

I gave her a 20.

She only gave me change for a 10.

Are you sure?

Oh, boy, here we go.

Excuse me. Um, I gave you a $20 bill,

and you only actually gave me change for a 10.

You gave me a 10.

I'm positive I gave you a 20.

I know what you gave me.

You owe me $10.

Will you please step aside.

Next! All right.

All right, let's... Let's just examine the situation

for a second.

Who in this situation

would be more likely to make a mistake?

Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there,

Me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there,

or you?

You.

No, no, no.

See, you're not really listening.

What's the problem here?

No problem. There's no problem.

She just owes me $10, that's all.

Oh, he's claiming short.

All right, let's just take it outside.

Oh, so you don't believe me either?

Come on, let's go.

You haven't won.

You may think you've won, but you haven't won.

Do you know why? It's not over.

This is not over.

I'm not forgetting what's happening here.

You have my $10.

I will get it back.

All right.

All right.

Don't worry. It's not over.

I'm going now.

Goodbye. I will be back. Ho-ho-ho!

[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

ELAINE: Well, don't stand here.

Let's walk in. Blend in, blend in.

No, let's survey first, camp here.

Ava.

What could possess anyone to throw a party?

I mean, to have a bunch of strangers

treat your house like a hotel room?

So guess who just sold 129 West 81st?

So guess who just sold 129 West 81st?

Oh, no, you didn't.

GEORGE: Get out! When?

Yesterday.

I don't believe it. Ask Mark.

Mark, is this true?

Oh!

Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it.

How did I ever let you talk me into this?

I must have been out of my mind.

Now, listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight.

In case one of us gets in a bad conversation,

we should have a signal that you're in trouble

we should have a signal that you're in trouble

so the other one can get us out of it.

How old are you?

Thirty-six.

What's the signal?

How about this?

Chicken wing.

No, no, no, I've got a better one.

Head-patting.

Whatever you want.

You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

So, what do you do?

So, what do you do?

I'm a comedian.

Are you?

Let me ask you something.

Where do you get your material?

I hear a voice.

What kind of voice?

A man's voice, but he speaks in German,

so I have to get it translated.

How come you keep tapping your head?

Uh, it's a nervous tic.

I'm on L-dopa.

On the other hand,

you take a guy like George Washington Carver.

The man devoted his whole life to the peanut.

The man devoted his whole life to the peanut.

Imagine having so much passion for something.

You know, people tell me I'm a funny guy.

I've often wondered

if he ever worked with the pecan.

Yeah, me too.

Now, is that considered a nut?

Because I know the cashew is a legume.

How's it going?

Great. How about you?

I can't believe what's happening here.

I can't believe what's happening here.

She hasn't taken her hands off me all night.

I mean, she was always friendly around the office,

but that was it.

How do you account for this?

I don't know.

Maybe a safe fell on her head.

Well, she obviously liked you all along.

No, I would have picked up on it.

I can always tell when a woman likes me.

They always somehow let you know.

With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them.

If anything, I try to make them think

I don't like them.

Then they think, "Oh, look at this guy.

"He's not even looking at me.

He must have something going for him," you know.

Anyway, I'm ready to go.

Anyway, I'm ready to go.

Now?

Well, if not now, when?

Give me a half-hour.

Okay, half-hour.

Peanut brittle, peanut butter,

peanut oil...

Can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, excuse me.

What have you been doing?

I've been smacking myself senseless.

People think I'm a mental patient.

Hey, I was dying over there.

This guy's going off on the peanut.

Now, pay attention.

Now, pay attention.

Yeah, I think I've seen you in a club.

You talk about a lot of everyday things, right?

Right.

Yeah. I remember you.

I wonder what happened to my fiancé.

I know he's here somewhere.

Ellen,

have you seen my fiancé?

He's upstairs.

Are you going upstairs?

Tell my fiancé I'm looking for him.

I have lost my fiancé, the poor baby.

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

What?

The dingo ate your baby.

You ready?

Listen,

I have a tremendous favor to ask.

I do favors.

I think something's happening here.

What?

I think she wants me to take her home.

I think she wants me to take her home.

Wow.

What should I do?

Go. What can you do?

What about you and Elaine?

We'll get a ride. Are you sure?

We'll be fine. What did she say?

She told me she wants--

She told me she wants me to make love to her.

What? She said that?

Yeah.

Get out of here.

I swear.

What did you say?

I--

Oh, I-- I can't.

Come on, what did you say?

Come on, what did you say?

Please, it's-- It's...

What?

"I..."

"I, uh..."

"I long for you."

"I long for you"?

I was so shocked. I was lucky I said anything.

It's okay. That's not bad.

I don't like when a woman says "Make love to me."

It's intimidating.

The last time a woman said that to me,

I wound up apologizing to her.

Really?

That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me."

That's a lot of pressure. "Make love to me."

What am I? In a circus?

What if I can't deliver?

Oh, come on.

I can't perform under pressure.

That's why I never play anything for money.

I choke.

I could choke tonight.

And she works in my office.

Can you imagine? If she goes around

telling everyone what happened?

Oh, maybe I should cancel.

I have a very bad feeling about this.

George, you're thinking too much.

I know, I know. I can't stop it.

Well, right now,

I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing.

JERRY: Pendant?

Those bastards.

Excuse me.

Listen, George is going home with this Ava from his office.

Really?

Huh. What a world.

So we can go now.

No, he's taking the car.

Well, what are we going to do for a ride?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Maybe Kramer can come pick us up.

Oh, great. Oh, this is great.

Oh, great. Oh, this is great.

How could you let him take the car?

There's nothing I could do. It's part of the code.

All plans between men are tentative.

If one man should suddenly have an opportunity

to pursue a woman,

it's like these two guys never met each other

ever in life.

This is the male code.

And it doesn't matter

how important the arrangements are.

I mean, most of the time,

they scrub a space shuttle mission,

it's because one of the astronauts met someone

on his way to the launch pad.

on his way to the launch pad.

They hold that countdown.

He's leaning against the rocket, talking to her,

"So listen, when I get back,

what do you say we get together for some Tang?"

ELAINE: Oh, look at that.

Look at what she's wearing. You see what she's wearing?

Yeah, yeah, all right.

I can't believe she's walking around in that.

Just don't make a scene.

Hey, is that real fur? Oh, boy.

It'd better be, or my ex-husband owes me an explanation.

Good night.

You don't care

that innocent, defenseless animals are being tortured

so that you can look good?

Could we talk about this some other time?

Could we talk about this some other time?

Are you a vegetarian?

Here we go.

Yeah, yeah. I eat fish occasionally.

So you're a hypocrite.

Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.

Anyway, we...

Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish.

Fish don't feel any pain.

How do you know? Do you communicate with fish?

Well, they're not kept in little cages.

Ever seen a goldfish?

Goldfish...

Yeah, I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy.

Swim around a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet.

That's a good life. Come on.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Maybe you can run over a squirrel!

Yeah, well,

that's why we're here in America.

You're beautiful.

Call Kramer.

All right.

Excuse me.

This is your party, right?

No, I just live here.

Can I use your phone?

What's in it for me?

A bigger bill. Hey, go for it.

Kram, Sein.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island.

Well, I'm stuck out here on Long Island.

What are your thoughts about taking a ride?

You're sure?

Okay, but don't leave me hanging here.

Okay, great. Let me give you directions.

You--? You sure

you don't need any help?

No, not really.

I'm sure he'll be here any minute.

I want them out of here.

Call him again.

I called. What should I do?

We really appreciate this.

It's 2:00 in the morning.

Oh, you've got the Civil War book.

I saw some of that show.

It was wonderful.

It was wonderful.

620 million people died.

Thousand.

Thousand, 620,000.

The horror,

the horror...

The wife keeps giving us dirty looks.

Are you sure you gave him the right directions?

Yes, yes.

You sure there's nothing we can do?

No! I am not going to bed with them in our house.

This is ridiculous.

You know, a friend of my father's

used to live right around here.

Mike Wichter.

He sold plastic straws,

you know, the ones...

You could bend them.

Have you noticed?

People don't use straws as much as they used to

for some reason.

You know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming.

Oh, he's coming.

Maybe you should take a look at a train schedule.

[DOG BARKING]

[SCREAMS]

That's him.

I'm going to bed.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks. Great party.

Thanks. Great party.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey, how you doing? Look who's here.

Uh...

I'm sorry.

Hey, it's okay.

I had the directions on the seat right next to me.

They... They flew out the window.

Then how did you find the place?

Well, I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway,

and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive.

Ha, ha ha.

So I drove around

knocking on everybody's door that had those numbers.

8317, 7813, 3718, 1837.

8317, 7813, 3718, 1837.

Whew... Finally, I hit it, 8173.

Anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, Steve.

I really owe you one. No problem.

And if you're ever in the city,

you know, you want to come to a comedy club,

whatever...

Hey, I might take you up on that.

Here's my address and number...

and really, thanks again.

Well, you'd better zip up.

I couldn't get the top on the convertible up.

But it's cold out.

Yeah, wait till we get on the Expressway.

George, I've been sick all week. Elaine was too.

Eighty miles an hour,

40-degree temperature for 50 minutes.

Do the math.

Maybe I will get out,

but let me just stop off at the drugstore first.

Okay, meet me down there in 15 minutes.

Then we'll go do something.

Yeah, Selwyn's. Okay, bye.

Yeah, Selwyn's. Okay, bye.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

Mr. Pocatillo.

Who?

You mean, you don't recognize my voice?

Jerry, baby!

Do I know you?

Boy, this comedy's really frying your brain.

I'm sorry...

See, this is the kind of lasting impression

I make on people.

Oh, okay.

You said if I was ever in the city.

I'm in the city!

You certainly are.

You certainly are.

What's going on?

I'm just waiting for a lift back to the Island.

He won't be ready until 11:00,

so I figured I'd give you a break.

I thought I'd see what it was like

to hang out with someone in show business.

Listen, I'm really sorry,

but I'm just on my way out to meet a friend.

Oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that.

No, really, I just got off the phone

with him.

I understand.

Look, you can hang out here if you want.

Don't be so enthusiastic.

Don't be so enthusiastic.

No, it's...

I'm not going to steal anything.

No, of course not.

Just close the door when you leave.

I think I can do that.

Really, I'm sorry.

Maybe another time.

Yeah, let's have lunch.

JERRY: The guy is in my house right now.

What a mistake that party was.

I never should have gone.

Yeah, me either.

Oh, come on.

What, "come on"?

Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office?

I never had a job.

I never had a job.

You know that anxiety you feel on a date?

That's what I have every day now.

My worst nightmare's come true. Every day is a date.

That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell,

isn't it?

Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work.

She was a friend.

Now we sleep together,

and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her.

Every time I go to the bathroom, I pass her desk.

I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing.

Then afterwards, I sit in my office

and analyze how it went.

If it was a good conversation,

If it was a good conversation,

I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day.

I see her laughing and talking with other people.

They're all so loose and relaxed.

I think, "That used to be me."

I want to go back there again.

What are you gonna do? I have no choice.

I'm quitting.

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING, CROWD CHEERING ON TV]

The party, Long Island.

Kramer, right? Yeah.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I'm waiting for my ride.

Where's Jerry?

He split.

Let me ask you something.

Let me ask you something.

Is there anything to drink in here,

or is that, like, a stupid question?

Uh... well, Jerry, he doesn't have anything.

[SIGHS]

Well, but I might have something.

Yeah, I...

I'm going to get this. This looks good.

How much is that?

$9.60.

$9.60?

Give it to me. Why?

Don't worry. I've got it.

What do you mean, you've got it? I got it.

Since when are you treating me to medicine?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

You're stealing this, aren't you?

I'm not stealing it.

They owe me $10. They stole it from me.

You're a lunatic.

I have to do this. It's a matter of honor.

What do you say to a person like you?

Just-- Just walk. You don't even know me.

Excuse me.

What do you got there?

What?

What do you got in your shirt?

Oh... I was going to pay for this.

Okay, come with me. Where are you taking me?

Okay, come with me. Where are you taking me?

I was going to pay for it. Mm-hm.

You don't think I remember you?

What are you talking about?

I know who you are. I was watching you.

What are you gonna do? Are you gonna call the police?

Come on.

Aah! Where--?

Can I still buy this, or is this evidence now?

So I'm chasing these doves

down the street,

and she's screaming at the top of her lungs,

and then when the magician

comes back from Europe,

two of them turn brown.

Well, I followed the instructions!

They turned brown!

Brown!

[LAUGHING]

Oh! Oh!

So let me ask you something.

You know any women we could call?

Not really.

Maybe we should call one of those escort services.

Maybe we should call one of those escort services.

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

I saw one of them advertised before

on that cable station.

555-LOVE.

[LAUGHS]

Are you in on this?

Oh, no, no.

I got a girl in the next building.

Oh.

Yeah.

WOMAN: Now, I want my money, mister,

and I ain't leaving till I get it.

[LAUGHING]

Now, I am through playing games with you.

I got things to do.

Whew...

Whew...

Oh, Jerry, Jerry.

Look who's here. It's Jerry.

What the hell?

Jerry, this is Patti.

Nice to meet you.

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.

What the hell is going on here?

I don't know,

but I've got to do this more often.

[LAUGHS]

[HORN HONKS]

Oh, there's my ride, finally.

I'm not gonna go anywhere until I get the rest of my money.

See you, Jer,

and tell Kramer thanks.

I'll call him tomorrow.

Oh, Kramer, huh?

Yeah, he's a hoot.

Yeah, he's a hoot.

Oh... Goodbye, my dear.

Ouch.

Weekend of the 26th, come on out.

We're having another party.

I ain't leaving.

Patti.

You got anything to drink?

All right, how much does he owe you?

$50.

$50...

This your apartment?

Yeah, but--

Yeah, but--

You're under arrest

for solicitation of prostitution.

Oh, wait a second, I--

I have chicken soup.

Is that real fur?

BOTH: Oh, boy.

You had Sergeant Chadway?

Me too.

He was a nice guy.

Oh, great guy.

Was there a redheaded guy there?

The one with the long sideburns? Yeah.

Where does he come off?

I know, there's no call for that kind of attitude.

I know, there's no call for that kind of attitude.

One of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him.

Oh, we all hated him.

There's two types of favors,

the big favor and the small favor.

You can measure the size of the favor

by the pause that a person takes

after they ask you to "do me a favor."

Small favor, small pause.

"Can you do me a favor and hand me that pencil?"

No pause at all.

Big favors are... "Could you do me a favor?"

[♪]