Original subtitles

The transplant, the hair plug,

is an interesting procedure.

It's really quite amazing.

Hair that was on your shower soap yesterday,

can be in your head tomorrow.

How did they do the first transplant?

Did they have the guy take a shower,

get his soap, rush it in there by helicopter,

you know, keep the soap alive on the soap-support system.

And then eventually move it over?

"We got the hairs, but...

I think we lost the Zest."

Sometimes the body rejects the transplant...

with organs.

Is it possible

that a head could reject a hair transplant?

that a head could reject a hair transplant?

The guy's just standing around somewhere,

and "bink."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Lands in someone's frozen yogurt.

MAN: You see, the gaskets

that you have here are asymmetrical.

Uh-huh. Really?

So I took off the motor relay on the compressor

because, y-you... Uh-huh.

you've got some discoloration.

Oh, whatever you have to do.

I was working with one mount at a time, you know,

because you don't wanna disturb

the position of the compressor.

No, you don't.

Hey. What are you listening to?

Hey. What are you listening to?

Uh, my show from last night.

Oh, you taped it?

Yeah, I was doing some new material.

Hey, did you ever do that thing on the toes that I said?

Huh?

You know how, like,

the big toe is like the captain of the toes,

but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big

that there's, like, a power struggle

and the second toe assumes control of the foot.

The "coup d'é-toe."

Yeah.

Did you do it?

Yeah. So?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

I need to use the phone.

Who you calling?

China.

China.

China, really?

Yeah, I'll pay for it. What for?

What for?

I'll tell you what for--

for hair.

Hair?

The Chinese have done it, my friend.

The Chinese have done it. Done what?

Discovered the cure for baldness.

Did you see that last night? [DOOR OPENS]

It was on CNN. This Chinese doctor,

Zang Zhao, has discovered the cure for baldness.

What's this?

Oh, I just got it.

Spector gave it to me.

He's giving everything away.

He's becoming a minimalist.

He's becoming a minimalist.

Is that the guy who likes fat women?

Yeah.

Doesn't the fat fetish

conflict with the minimalism?

You. You know what you should've done?

You should've watched that report on CNN last night.

I did. I'm trying to call China.

Well, you can't call China now.

It's like, what, 3:00 in the morning there.

Oh, my God.

What?

Oh, God. Oh...

Man...

Man...

[CHUCKLING] Oh, brother.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Th-this woman's talking to me on my tape recorder

while I was on stage.

This is wild.

I never heard anything like this in my life. Listen to this.

WOMAN ON TAPE: I wanna slide my tongue

around you like a s...

Oh, my God.

All right, let me hear.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who is this woman? I don't know. I have no idea.

I was just listening, and she came on.

This is like a Penthouse letter.

This is like a Penthouse letter.

Why can't I meet women like this?

All right, come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait!

Where was the tape recorder?

It was in the back of the room, on the ledge.

She must've been sitting right in front of it.

[LAUGHING] My God.

All right, come on, it's my turn.

All right, all right. All right. [MOANING ON TAPE]

How you gonna find out who this is?

Good question.

Where's the volume?

Ah ya ya!

GEORGE: What do the Chinese have to gain

by faking a cure for baldness?

by faking a cure for baldness?

Look, if it was real,

they would never let it out of the country.

Imagine no baldness.

It would be like a nation of supermen.

Hi, boys.

Hello. Hello.

What's happening?

Tell her. I wanna hear her reaction.

All right, this woman

left this really sexy message on Jerry's tape recorder.

Not that, you idiot!

What?

The Chinese!

The Chinese bald cure!

Oh, I thought you meant that--

No, I meant the bald cure.

We were talking about the bald cure!

Well, what did she say?

Well, what did she say?

MAN: Seinfeld?

Hey, is that Beder?

I can't believe it.

Get me a cup of decaf.

So did you hear this message?

[CHUCKLES]

It was unbelievable.

Really?

I can't get over it.

Oh. Sexy?

[SNORTS]

This woman drove us out of our minds.

Like, uh, how did she sound?

She had this...

throaty, sexy kind of whisper.

Really? Like, uh--

Like, uh...

Like, uh...

[SEXILY] Jerry, I wanna slide my tongue

around you like a snake.

Ohhhh, ohhhhhh...

Oh, my God.

You?

You?

That was you? Shhh.

How did you--?

I stopped in the club to see him,

I stopped in the club to see him,

and I was standing in the back while he was on, right?

And there was this tape recorder there, and I...

got this impulse.

[LAUGHING]

What?

No, nothing, nothing.

Now, listen, promise me you won't tell him, okay?

I wanna have a little fun with this.

I had no idea you were filled with such...

sexuality.

Oh, that was nothing.

Oh, that was nothing.

So, listen, what about this bald thing?

Oh, some bald thing, a bald thing.

I don't know. It's nothing.

Remember Beder?

Beder? Yeah, you remember Beder.

Remember I told you how we went to the track that one time

and he was yelling at this jockey?

And the jockey got off the horse,

started chasing him.

So, listen, what about this girl on your tape recorder?

[COCKILY] Oh, Elaine...

What do you think an enraptured female fan of mine

might say?

I don't know.

I don't know.

JERRY: She went on in some detail

about certain activities,

illegal in some states, for consenting adults,

things you would know very little about.

Oh, really?

JERRY: Well,

this type of thing is very common

when you're in show business.

Uh-huh.

So, what, are you gonna ask her out?

No, I can't. She didn't leave her name or number.

Bummer.

Okay. Good luck finding her. I'm taking off.

Wh-where're you going?

Home.

What--? What're you going home for?

What--? What're you going home for?

Well, I just came from the gym.

Unless I could shower at your place.

Sure.

GEORGE: Oh, my God.

Oh, man.

I don't get it.

Why would a woman do that

and then leave no way to get in touch with her?

Maybe she realized she could never have you

and she jumped off the George Washington Bridge.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Yes. Operator.

Yes. Operator.

Beijing?

Why're you doing this?

Why do I do anything?

For women.

Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?

No.

You know what that makes you? A baldist.

Oh, this I need.

Hello, hello, i-i-is this the, uh--

The hair-restoration clinic?

Yeah, yeah. Does anyone speak English?

Ooh, you're taping.

Just be yourselves.

Oh. Okay.

Ooh. Well, we're talking with Elaine Benes,

adult-film star...

on the... set of her new picture,

Elaine Does The Upper West Side.

Hi. How you doing?

Well, I'm doing fine.

Do you speak English? English!

Oh, here's the director, Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry, you discovered Elaine Benes.

Well, yes, I did, that's true.

A couple of guys I knew in the coast guard

told me about her...

And I sensed that she had the anger and intensity

that I needed to make this film work.

Ohh...

English!

Does anybody speak English?

Nobody speaks English.

So, what scene are you

getting ready to shoot now, Elaine?

In this scene, my co-star, who's right over here,

♪ Follow me ♪

Is George Costanza,

and he plays an airline pilot

who's just returned from Rome,

and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.

and I'm about to show him how much I've missed him.

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

That's my Chinese food.

So, George, is this your first movie with Elaine?

Uh, I-- I don't know.

So, Elaine, in your movies,

is the sex real, or is it simulated?

Oh, it's always simulated.

Except with George.

That's in my contract.

All right, all right. Kramer, that's enough.

That's enough.

Hello? [KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Yeah, hello?

Yeah, hello?

English!

Does anyone speak English?

How much do I owe you?

$15.90.

KRAMER: $15.90?

Uh, um, excuse me?

Uh, do you speak Chinese?

Chinese, yeah.

Oh, boy. Um...

I'm on with Beijing at the hair-restoration clinic.

Um, could you talk to them for me,

and tell them I-I'd like to place an order?

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[LAUGHING]

They got a billion people over there.

He found a relative.

If you send money, they send cream.

They send me? All right, a-ask them, does it really work?

They say you grow hair, look like Stalin.

Oh.

Ask them, are there any side effects?

Impotence.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, funny. He's a funny guy.

Yeah. All right.

Get a money order from the Bank of China.

Be here three days after they get check.

All right, thank you.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Kind of an expensive call.

ELAINE: Thanks for driving me home.

What did I do to deserve this?

GEORGE: You... do plenty.

So, wh-what are you doing?

You-- You're going in.

Well, yeah. I guess so.

Why, you want to do something?

Yeah.

I-I don't know. What?

There's really nothing to do.

Yeah, no. There's-- There's nothing.

Yeah, no. There's-- There's nothing.

Can you think of anything?

No, no, not really.

I am up for anything.

Really? [HONKS CAR HORN]

[LAUGHS]

Wow.

I have to say...

You were really good doing that porno thing.

You-- You're talented.

Oh. I was just kidding around.

I thought that thing you said

about the sex not being simulated...

that was really funny.

that was really funny.

Yeah, that was f-- Fun.

All right, so I'll speak to you through Jerry and everything.

Okay.

Thanks a lot for the ride. Yeah, anytime.

JERRY: Thanks a million. I really appreciate this.

Now, you're sure this was the woman that was sitting

at the table where I had my tape recorder?

Okay, great.

Thanks again. Bye.

Ah-ha!

Who do these women think

they're dealing with?

Did she think she was gonna leave

this incredibly erotic message on my tape

and I was just gonna let it go?

[COCKNEY ACCENT] Not bloody likely.

What is that?

What is that?

That's my Cockney accent.

No, no, that's no good.

Let's hear yours.

[COCKNEY ACCENT] Not bloody likely!

That's the worst Cockney accent I ever heard in my life.

Hey, Georgie boy. Guess what I got?

Guess what I got?

Oh, is that the bald stuff? From China.

All the way from China.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me get the camera.

No, don't get the camera.

We don't need the camera.

Listen, I know you're skeptical,

Listen, I know you're skeptical,

but I really believe in the Chinese.

Yes, I am skeptical.

Why do you have to be so suspicious of everyone?

This is a great man, Zang Zhao.

He wants to help bald people.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Now, let's videotape your head for the before picture,

so we can watch how it grows and stuff.

Here, sit down.

All right.

All right, lean back.

KRAMER: A little bit to the right.

Now, make sure you get

Now, make sure you get

this area here. Right.

That's where he needs the help.

All right, all right.

Well, he's a happy camper, huh?

"Happy camper."

Yeah, I don't hear that expression enough.

You remember that guy who took my jacket,

the one I found at my mother's house?

Yeah. My mother told me

that he got arrested for mail fraud.

No kidding?

Yeah, he's in jail.

Well, what happened to the jacket?

Did he take it with him?

That's what I intend to find out.

Well, you can see it.

Well, you can see it.

You gonna walk around like that?

And it stinks.

Can you smell that?

You stink.

How long are you supposed to leave it on for?

All day. [TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hello. It's Elaine Marie Benes.

Well, hello.

Hello. Did you ever find out who that woman was?

Yes, I got her number.

Hey, is that Elaine?

Yeah.

Hi, Elaine!

So, uh... ( chuckles )

I guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night.

Well, as I said,

this type of thing is very common in show business.

Uh-huh. Well, listen, I'm at Arlene's.

You want me stop by?

Sure. Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Did she say hello?

What? Oh, I don't know.

What do you mean? She heard me say hello.

Did she say hello back?

I don't know. Who keeps track of hellos?

Isn't it polite to say hello when somebody says hello?

She's coming up.

Elaine's coming up?

Yeah, why? What's wrong?

Where you going?

Nowhere, nowhere. I'll be right out.

How often do you cut your toenails?

I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.

Because the other night, you know,

I was sleeping with Marion, and I rolled over

and I cut her ankle with my big toe.

The big toe, the captain.

The big toe, the captain.

What?

The captain of the toes.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

ELAINE: Jerry? Yeah.

Jerry, listen, um, I got too much stuff to do.

I can't come over. Forget it.

Oh, okay, too bad.

So when are you going to call her?

Soon as I get off the phone with you.

Ha. Good luck.

Okay. Bye.

What happened? What, did you take it off?

Yeah. That was-- That was enough.

That's it? You gave up?

That's it? You gave up?

No, I'm working on a system. Who was that?

That was Elaine.

She changed her mind. She's not coming over.

WOMAN: Hello?

Hello, is this Alicia?

Yes.

This is Jerry Seinfeld.

[CRASH]

So?

I don't get this woman.

I don't get this woman.

We're having a great time,

couple of laughs, everything's nice.

End of the night, I go in for a little contact,

I get the pull-back.

This woman, she said the filthiest things

I ever heard in my life.

I get the pull-back.

[CHUCKLES] [INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah? It's George.

Come on up.

What's he doing here now?

So you blew it?

She must be psychotic or something.

Let me have the number.

I'm not giving you the number.

I'm not giving you the number.

I know how to handle these psychotics.

Sheriff.

What's with the hat?

Phew.

Boy, you stink.

Well, what are you doing here now?

I have to talk to you about something.

All right, let's take a look here, see what we got.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

I think I see something here, George.

Let's go to the videotape!

Oh, Kramer. No, no.

[SIGHS]

What's up?

I can't tell you now.

He's gonna be back in 10 seconds.

So just start it. I can't.

Oh, come on, he'll be over there for a half hour.

He gets lost over there.

Come on, well, what is this about?

All right...

I've become attracted to Elaine.

All right.

Okay. Sit down, George. Kramer, could we do this later?

Okay. Sit down, George. Kramer, could we do this later?

No, I got the tape right here.

Kramer, let's do this later.

Okay, now...

This is the tape that we made earlier,

and I think...

that I see a couple of buds...

right here.

Really? You think?

Kramer, I would like to talk to George

for a minute, please. About what?

It's kind of private.

Like the big toe captain, what?

Oh, so you're doing my bit?

I'm not doing the bit!

I'm not doing the bit!

All right. Okay, all right.

I'm gonna take a look at this, huh?

Does she know? No.

How did it happen?

I can't say.

Well, why can't you say?

Because I promised her.

I thought you just said she doesn't know.

She doesn't.

So how can you promise her?

Because she asked me to.

What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?

All right, you really want to know?

All right, you really want to know?

It all started when she told me that...

She was the voice on your tape recorder.

What, Elaine? Yeah.

She made me promise not to tell you.

It was supposed to be a joke.

That was Elaine?

Yeah, yeah. Let me hear.

Wait a second. Just give me a second.

You heard it 50 times already. No, I haven't.

This is my ex-girlfriend. I think I have precedence.

Ohhh...

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

Hi, it's Elaine. Is this a bad time?

Hi, it's Elaine. Is this a bad time?

Yeah.

Don't tell her I told you anything!

She'll kill me! Okay, I promise!

Wow.

Oh, man.

Oh, God.

Oh, brother.

Ohhh! Wow!

What's the matter? Oh--

I... got a pain in my side...

From, you know...

From, you know...

Oh, hi, George.

How you doing?

Something stinks in here.

Oh.

What are you doing here?

I was the one who talked into your tape recorder.

I know, George told me.

You told him?

H-h-h-he threatened me.

Where did you come up with all that stuff?

Where did you come up with all that stuff?

Oh, that was nothing.

Elaine...

I-- I have to tell you something.

George, no. No, no, no.

George, I'm telling you.

What is it?

I'm very attracted to you.

Oyyyy...

I found a hair!

Yes!

Okay, come here, come here.

Take a look at this.

Ever since I found out that you left the message

on Jerry's tape recorder, I--

Whoa.

That was you?

It was a joke.

Wait...

Wait...

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Elaine, I can't believe that that is you.

I--

I think I'll get going.

Er, stick around a while.

It's early.

We'll order Chinese.

All right, give me the tape!

All right, give me the tape!

I had it first! It was my tape! Give me the tape!

[♪]

A woman left me a message on my phone machine the other day

with kind of a breathy voice, you know.

No matter what a woman says,

if it's in that breathy voice, you know, it...

[BREATHY VOICE] "You have cancer."

Really?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Sounds pretty good.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

The stewardess could lean over

and whisper in my ear,

[BREATHY VOICE] "Would you put on your seat belt?

"We're about to go into a mountain."

I would go, "Really? So, what are you doing later

"by the ruptured remains of the fuselage?

"by the ruptured remains of the fuselage?

"How about some peanuts over by the black box?

Look, I'll meet you there."