Original subtitles

You know, there's, like, always one location

in your neighborhood, one store location

that's constantly changing hands?

Everybody has this in their neighborhood.

It's a leather store, then it's a yogurt shop,

then it's a pet supply.

It's, like, constantly changing.

Nobody can do business there.

It's like some sort of Bermuda Triangle of retail,

you know?

Stores open up,

and then they just disappear without a trace.

Nobody knows what happened to them.

I guess eventually when, like,

aliens land in the mothership from Close Encounters,

the bottom will slowly open,

and all these store owners

and all these store owners

will come wandering out in a daze, going,

"I thought there was gonna be

more walk-in traffic, didn't you?"

She thinks I'm nice a nice guy.

Women always think I'm nice,

but women don't want nice.

This is amazing.

I haven't seen one person

go in that restaurant since it opened.

Poor guy.

Why is nice bad?

What kind of a sick society are we living in,

where nice is bad?

What's that smell? What are you wearing?

What? A little cologne.

Manly.

Monica wants me to wear it.

So why didn't you say no?

I'm too nice.

Look at this poor guy.

His family's probably back in Pakistan.

They're waiting for him to send back money.

They're waiting for him to send back money.

This is horrible.

She wants me to take an I.Q. test.

It's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne.

No.

She's taking this course in education

for her masters.

It's part of her research project,

so I have to be a guinea pig.

Never been a guinea pig.

Been a sheep. Been a toady.

You know what?

I can't talk to you anymore.

All right. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

You're taking the I.Q. test.

Yeah, and she's gonna find out I'm a moron.

You know, people think I'm smart,

but I'm not smart.

Who thinks you're smart?

I'm not gonna break 100 on this thing.

I'm not gonna break 100 on this thing.

What thing?

You don't listen when people talk to you anymore.

Oh, the I.Q. thing. Yeah.

I'm sure I have a low I.Q.

I've been lying about my S.A.T. scores for 15 years.

What'd you get?

What did I get, or what do I say I got?

What do you say?

I say 1409.

Fourteen-oh-nine, that's a good score.

You're telling me.

Well, what did you really get?

You're my friend, right?

Of course.

I tell you everything, right?

I hope so.

Well...

This I take to the grave.

JERRY: He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese.

JERRY: He's serving Mexican, Italian, Chinese.

He's all over the place.

That's why no one's going in.

Why do you keep watching?

I don't know. I'm obsessed with it.

It's like a spider in the toilet,

struggling for survival...

and even though you know he's not gonna make it,

you kind of root for him for a second.

Then you flush.

Well, it's a spider.

You know, sometimes people won't go in a place

if they don't see anyone else in there.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Do you have to do that?

Do you have to do that?

Jerry, don't do that. That is so annoying.

Bazooka Joe.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

The buzzer.

It's your house.

My house.

You gotta be on the lease to press the buzzer.

Yeah?

It's George.

Come on up.

Casus belli.

What's that?

It's Latin. I read it in some book.

I don't know. I just wanted to say it out loud.

I don't know. I just wanted to say it out loud.

Come on. Go in.

Go in.

Have you gone in there?

No, I'm afraid we'll start talking,

and I'll wind up going partners with him.

Hey.

You know, I could probably shoot him from here.

I'd be doing us both a favor.

[SNIFFING]

I'm wearing some cologne, all right?

I'm wearing some cologne, all right?

Sure. Fine.

Casus belli.

Casus belli.

What's that?

Since when do you wear cologne?

Why is what I do so important?

Why must I always be the focal point of attention?

Let me just be. Let me live.

Hey, how'd you do on that I.Q. test?

I didn't take it yet.

What I.Q. test?

What's "casus belli"?

Oh, it's nothing.

Is it about me?

Why must you always be the focal point of attention?

Why must you always be the focal point of attention?

Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?

It's just a Latin phrase, George.

It does not mean anything.

Now, what is this test?

This woman he's dating

is making him take this I.Q. test for this course.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, fun.

I.Q. tests are totally bogus.

They prove nothing.

You'll do well. You're smart.

No, see, he's not smart.

People think he's smart,

but he's not.

What did you get on your S.A.T.s?

It varies.

It varies.

You know, I don't even know my I.Q.

Mine's 145.

145?

Get out of here.

You get out of here.

You get out of here.

Maybe you should take the test for me.

Boy, that'd be something,

cheating on an I.Q. test.

Hey, remember in college

when you passed Lettick the test out the window?

You became a legend after that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really had some guts back then.

Yeah, I really had some guts back then.

Why don't we do it again?

What?

You could take the I.Q. test for me.

I could pass it to you out of a window.

We could do it. She lives on the first floor.

Are you serious? Why not?

Where would I take the test?

I don't know-- she lives right around the corner.

You could take it here or go to the coffee shop.

No. That'd be too noisy.

Take it at The Dream Café. You won't hear a peep.

Hey, what do you think?

Hey, I love a good caper.

Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it?

A caper.

A caper.

You'll do it?

What the hey?

Yeah! Beautiful!

Yeah! Ooh, sorry.

Welcome to The Dream Café.

Well, uh, I've been looking forward to it.

Oh, how did you hear about us?

Uh... people. People are talking.

Smoking or nonsmoking?

We are proud to offer both.

Nonsmoking would be great.

Nonsmoking would be great.

Very good.

My name is Babu Bhatt.

I will be your waiter.

A steaming hot

folded face towel for your pleasure.

Thank you. Ah!

Our specials-- tacos, moussaka, and franks and beans.

Well, what do you recommend,

my good fellow?

Oh, the turkey.

Well, the turkey it'll be.

And may I say you have a splendid establishment here,

my friend.

I'm sure you'll flourish at this location

for many, many years.

You're a very kind man, very kind.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Very kind.

JERRY: Very kind.

I am kind man.

Who else would do something like this?

Nobody.

Nobody thinks about people the way I do.

All right, snap out of it, you stupid jerk.

You're eating a turkey sandwich.

What do you want, a Nobel Prize?

You go in the living room.

I'll take the test in here.

But why?

I won't be able to concentrate in front of you.

Oh, I think you're making too much of this.

I.Q. tests don't mean anything.

Are you kidding me?

This is the best tool we have today

of measuring a person's intelligence.

Well, I certainly don't place any importance on it.

Well, I think you're wrong about that.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I'd really like to get started, please.

Good luck.

[CHUCKLING] Don't need it.

What's been going on up there?

I've been standing here 20 minutes.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Here's the test.

Thanks again for doing this.

All right, now, what time do you want me back here?

Uh, 20 to 3:00. Okay.

Thanks again. All right.

Thanks again. All right.

And don't settle for 145.

You can do better. You're a genius.

Thank you, Babu.

You have quite a flair.

You are quite the restauranteur,

I must say.

It is indeed my pleasure.

Oh, please.

Ooh! Welcome to The Dream Café.

Our specials today--

I'll just have tea and toast.

Tea and toast.

Eat something!

Babu.

Um... okay.

Well, I'll have the...

The rigatoni.

Oh! Oh, very good choice.

Very good.

Oh, wow, so you got the test.

You're cheating.

I know.

Hey.

Hey.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, boy.

Whoop.

Jerry, let me ask you something.

Jerry, let me ask you something.

Hi, Elaine.

Hi.

This guy leaves this jacket

at my mother's house two years ago.

Now, she hasn't spoken to him since,

and now he says he wants the jacket back.

So?

Well, I'm not giving it back.

Why not?

Well, because I meet a lot of women

in this jacket, you know?

They're attracted to it.

Why do you think my mother went out with him?

Oh, jeez.

Okay.

Are you all right?

Yeah, okay.

What?

What?

Anyway, it's been two years.

I mean, isn't there, like, a statue of limitations on that?

Statute.

What?

Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.

No, it's statue.

Fine. It's a sculpture of limitations.

Wait a minute. Just wait a minute.

Elaine.

Elaine!

Now, you're smart.

Now, you're smart.

Is it statue or statute of limitations?

Statute.

Oh, I really think you're wrong.

Look, Kramer, I have to take this test, okay?

And I don't have a lot of time.

What test?

An I.Q. test.

Why are you taking an I.Q. test?

It's for George.

George?

Yeah, yeah, look,

can I explain it to you later?

Yeah, but why are you taking an I.Q. test for George?

Would you please?

What, is it for a job or something?

Later!

Later!

You're positive it's statute?

Yes! Yes!

BABU: Welcome, welcome. A steaming hot face towel--

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

[DOORKNOB TURNING]

George?

Yeah?

The door's locked.

Oh, it's locked?

I need to get something.

I need to get something.

Monica, I'm really focused here.

This stuff's a killer.

George! Wish I could.

[BABU HUMMING LOUDLY]

[HUMMING LOUDER]

Babu!

If you don't mind.

Yeah. Okay.

I'll get this.

Oh! Oh! Oh, my God!

God, it's all over my test!

I didn't mean it. I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, man!

Oh, man!

Look at this. I'm out of time anyway.

Please, forgive me, please.

Go ahead. I'll take care of it.

Ugh.

Please, I'm very sorry.

Tell your friends!

It's all right. She was cheating anyway.

You're a very kind man.

Babu...

You're Pakistani, right?

You're Pakistani, right?

Yes, Pakistani. Yes.

Babu, may I say something?

Of course. You're very smart man. I listen.

I am not a restauranteur by any means,

but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve

some dishes from your native Pakistan,

as opposed to, say,

the franks and beans, for example.

But there are no Pakistani people here.

It doesn't matter.

You would have the only authentic Pakistani restaurant

in the whole neighborhood.

Yes.

Yes.

You see everything, don't you?

Well, you know, not everything.

I do what I can.

I close down today, and when I open again,

it will be all-Pakistani restaurant.

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

You're a very special person.

Very special.

JERRY: I am such a great guy.

Who else would have gone to the trouble

to help this poor immigrant?

I am special.

My mother was right.

My mother was right.

Of course, I've never had Pakistani food.

How bad could it be?

It was an accident.

What, did you go on a picnic?

Babu Bhatt did it.

Babu Bhatt?

How am I going to explain this?

MONICA: Time's up, George.

Okay...

Here you go.

How did you do?

Piece of cake.

What happened to the test?

What happened to the test?

What? Oh, I spilled some food on it.

Food? What food?

What are you talking about?

Where did you get food?

From my pocket.

Your pocket?

I, uh, I had a sandwich in my pocket.

And coffee?

Yeah. Had some coffee. Yeah.

Where did you get the coffee?

Where did I get the coffee?

Where do you think I got the coffee?

Where do you think I got the coffee?

At the grocery store.

How did you get there?

I walked.

How did you get out of the apartment?

I didn't see you leave.

I climbed out the window.

You climbed out the window?

Of course.

Why didn't you go out the door?

The door?

Why would I go out the door?

The window's right here.

You're a fascinating man, George Costanza.

JERRY: The average person sees a situation like this,

they walk right by it.

Not me.

You're very special.

Hey, do me a favor.

Some guy comes around looking for me,

tell him you don't know where I am.

Of course, I always do.

No, no, it's that guy.

He's really been bugging me about the jacket.

Just give it back to him.

Oh, he'll have to kill me.

Hey, Georgie!

GEORGE: I'm coming up!

How'd you do on the I.Q. test?

GEORGE: Eighty-five!

What?

Eighty-five, Jerry.

Eighty-five I.Q...

Eighty-five?

Well, well, well.

He's coming up?

Well, I'm no genius, but...

According to my calculations,

According to my calculations,

he should be here in a few seconds.

Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.

Well, maybe the test was gender biased,

you know, a lot of questions on hunting and testicles.

Oh, hello, professor.

George, I cannot believe--

Please.

No, there's got to be a mistake.

No, there's got to be a mistake.

You should have seen her face.

It was the exact same look my father gave me

when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

But an 85.

Listen, there were too many distractions there.

Babu...

Whatever his name was, and Kramer,

I couldn't concentrate.

It was a madhouse.

Jerry, it was!

Let me take it again.

Ho, ho, ho, forget it.

Oh, come on, come on.

Oh, come on, come on.

I'll guarantee you 140.

What do you have to lose?

You could do worse. No! No!

Come on, I guarantee it.

All right. I'll ask her.

Okay. Now, where am I going to take it?

Take it here. I'll leave.

There'll be no distractions.

[SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, congratulations, my friend.

You know, I'm sorry I missed the grand reopening.

I was out of town for about a week.

You see how I listen?

You see how I listen?

I work very hard, borrow more money.

I think it's fantastic.

It has a certain indefinable charm.

You wish to eat?

Let me tell you something, Babu.

You go back in that kitchen, tell your chef

I want the works.

Very good.

JERRY: Very good?

No, not very good.

Very great.

I am very, very great.

I am very, very great.

You know, the I.Q. tests,

they always have that sample question at the beginning,

where they show you how to fill in the circle.

This should be the first elimination point right there.

Anybody goes outside that circle--

"Yeah, you want to come with us, please?

"Yeah, yeah, you're done. Your test is over.

You went outside the circle, okay?"

You went outside the circle, okay?"

What are you doing?

Quiet. Shh! Don't say anything.

[WHISPERING] What's going on?

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

MAN: Hey, Kramer! I saw you go in there.

I'm not leaving until you give me that jacket.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Open up, Kramer!

What did you come in here for?

Well, I thought I'd throw him off.

See, he knows where I live.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Look, Kramer, I have to return this test.

I've gotta get out of here.

Well, I thought you took the test.

I had to take it again.

How come?

What's the difference?

Well, you can't leave now. What?

Come on, Kramer, I want that jacket back!

Never!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come on, George, open up.

Well?

How you doing?

Where's the test?

You know, it's the damnedest thing.

I went out the window again to get a cup of coffee...

Babu...

Babu.

Babu, you know...

Babu, you know...

I've got to tell you.

I never do this, but the shrimp,

it's just it's a little stringy.

You have any chicken?

The shrimp is stringy?

Well, maybe your fridge--

Quiet!

No, I--

You shut up!

Well, I...

You make me change restaurant,

but nobody come.

You say, "Make Pakistani."

Babu Bhatt have only Pakistani restaurant,

but where are people?

You see people?

Show me people.

Show me people.

There are no people!

You know, I think I'll just take the check.

You bad man.

You very, very bad man.

JERRY: Bad man?

Could my mother have been wrong?

Are you looking for George?

Well, uh... kind of.

George left.

Oh.

Is that the test?

Oh.

This, um...

Yeah.

Here you go. Thanks.

I hope you do a lot better this time.

Actually, you know, I think I did.

The first time,

I couldn't really con...centrate.

You know what it was-- bad location.

Come on, let's not stand here too long.

We might run into him.

Aren't you cold? Where's your jacket?

Oh, sorry.

I'm going upstairs.

Hey, guys! Hey.

I just ran into Monica.

You know what my I.Q. is?

151.

151.

151?

Yeah.

That's a good score.

So, what are you up for? How about Mexican?

Italian.

No. Chinese.

Know what would be great?

It's tough to do a good deed.

Let's look at your professional good deed doers,

your Lone Rangers, your Supermen,

your Batmen, your Spidermen, your Elasticmen.

They're all wearing disguises,

masks over their faces, secret identities.

Don't want people to know who they are.

Too much aggravation.

Superman, yeah, thanks for saving my life,

but did you have to come through my wall?

I'm renting here. They got a security deposit.

What am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do?

[♪]