Original subtitles

It's very hard to find the store that you want in a mall.

They have the directory, but the problem with it is

even if you figure out where you are

and where you wanna go,

you still don't really know, sometimes, which way to walk,

because it's an upright map.

If you had, like, suction-cup feet,

then you could just, thp, walk right up on it.

Then you could tell.

You could just be on it, going,

"All right, I'm here.

"I wanna go to the Gap. That's down there.

All right. Now, I'll just walk that way."

Thp, thp, thp, thp, thp.

Thp, thp, thp, thp, thp.

But people would know you.

They would see you walking down the mall,

going, "Thp, thp, thp, thp."

They go, "That's one of those suction-cup guys.

"I heard about that guy. He's never lost."

GEORGE: One left. What a joke.

KRAMER: You can have this one.

GEORGE: No,

that's not enough BTUs for my living room.

This was a complete waste of time.

ELAINE: Hey, I didn't get one either.

JERRY: Why do I always have the feeling

everybody's doing something better than me

on Saturday afternoons?

This is what people do.

No, they don't.

They're out on some big picnic.

They're cooking burgers, making out on blankets.

Not at some mall in Jersey,

watching their friends trying to find

the world's cheapest air conditioner.

GEORGE: You should see what my father used to go through

before he bought a new car.

before he bought a new car.

He'd go from state to state.

He was away for weeks at a time.

It's like he was running for president,

and he was going through the primaries.

We'd get phone calls from motels in New Hampshire.

So we took a little ride. What's the big deal?

Well, at least you accomplished something.

You got fish. Oh, big accomplishment.

Heh, fish. What do they do?

What do you do?

KRAMER: Hey, this way.

Jerry, what time do you have?

I have 5:00.

Always late. Always late.

You're not late. I told them

to meet me in front of my building at 6:15.

to meet me in front of my building at 6:15.

Who? My parents.

It's their anniversary.

I'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight.

Oh. Think we'll hit traffic?

Of course we'll hit traffic. It's rush hour.

Isn't it going the other way?

There's no other way in New York.

Everybody goes every way all the time.

Yeah, but it's Saturday.

You got the picnic and burger traffic.

There's picnic traffic?

Well, as my grandfather used to say,

"Sometimes even a picnic's no picnic."

I always get myself in this position.

Can't be on time. Gotta rush.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Huh? Uh...

[MUTTERS]

I have to go to the bathroom.

Why do they hide the bathrooms in these malls?

Do you want me to help you with that?

No, I got it.

Hup, cha.

What do you think, Georgie boy?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Did I need that pointed out for me?

What is that gonna do for me?

How does that help me, to see her?

I'm trying to live my life.

Don't show me that.

Well, if you like her, go and talk to her.

Well, if you like her, go and talk to her.

Oh, yeah, women love to get approached in parking garages.

I'll just go up and say, "Hi, how you doing?

"Would you like a glass of white wine?

You'd get within 15 feet of that woman,

she'd have her finger on the mace button.

Oh, now, that was a guy.

That was a guy?

Where's the car?

Well, I-- I thought it was here.

You don't know where we parked?

Oh...

Ha ha heh ho, this is great.

Look, I thought it was green 22.

I remember orange. I thought it was orange.

I didn't pay attention.

Oh, this is just what I need.

Oh, this is just what I need.

All right, I'm sure it's right around here.

Yeah, yeah. It looks familiar.

I remember the elevator.

There's elevators all over!

Everything looks the same.

We're like rats in some experiment.

It's over there.

I-I know where it is.

It's black, right?

Well, it's dark brown.

In a parking lot, you write it down.

How hard is that?

There it is. Ah.

No, no.

That's a Toyota.

[SIGHS] Hey...

I thought it was...

Hey, didn't we come in over there?

Hey, didn't we come in over there?

I thought we came in over there.

How long can fish live

in one of these plastic bags?

I don't know. Maybe two hours.

You better find this car.

Let's try this way.

I really have to go to the bathroom.

Why don't you just go behind one of these cars?

Why? There's nobody around.

I'll wait.

You know, you hold it in like that,

you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder.

you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder.

That's what happens to truck drivers.

Oh, they hold it in all the time,

and eventually it starts to come out involuntarily.

All right.

Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers

are a $600,000,000 a year industry?

Maybe I should just go anytime I get the urge,

like you, wherever I am.

There's too much urinary freedom in this society.

I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.

[GASPS] Is that it?

JERRY: No.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Hey!

Watch it!

Maniac.

Oh, gee.

You sure you don't want me to help you with that?

I'm gonna put it down behind that car.

You worried somebody's gonna pee on it?

KRAMER: It's purple 23. Remember that.

Oh, I got it.

[SCOFFS]

That I'm supposed to remember.

Where the car is, that's insignificant.

I think they're laboring.

Look at this place.

It's huge!

All right, all right. Let me say this to you--

If I am not in front of my building at 6:15

when my parents get there,

they're gonna put me on an aggravation installment plan

that will compound with interest for decades.

Parents never forget a foul-up.

I once left my jacket on a bus when I was 14.

I was flying to Chicago last week on a plane,

"Make sure you hang onto your jacket."

There's no way you can get in touch with them?

Yeah, I'll call them on their car phone.

Huh, what do you think it would take

for his parents to get a car phone?

for his parents to get a car phone?

Hypnosis by aliens.

Where the hell is this car, Kramer?

We need a system.

Well, it's gotta be here.

Wh--? Why are they using so many colors?

The numbers go up to 40.

Maybe it's not on this level.

What?

There's four different levels.

Maybe we're on the wrong level.

How long was the escalator ride up?

I-- It felt like a couple of levels.

You should always bring a pad and a pen.

I can't carry a pen.

I'm afraid I'll puncture my scrotum.

I got a pen.

I got a pen.

Where is the bathroom in this mall?

With 600 stores, I didn't see one bathroom.

What is this? Like, a joke?

Don't they consult with urologists

when they build one of these places?

What's with you?

My ear itches.

WOMAN: Hey, don't you dare

talk to me like that, you hear me?

I told you

I don't care.

Ow! You'll have to wait.

Hey, hey, is that really necessary?

Why don't you mind your own business?

Well, I think hitting a defenseless child

Well, I think hitting a defenseless child

is my business.

You're ugly.

What?

You're ugly.

You are. You are.

That's what you think.

That's what I know.

[ENGINE STARTS]

I found it!

ELAINE: He's got it.

No, no, no.

All right, that's it.

From now on, no more calling out "I found it"

unless we're sitting in it, okay?

Jerry, look at my fish.

His eyes look a little cloudy.

His eyes look a little cloudy.

See?

Oh, those are your eyes.

Oh, they are gonna be furious.

Who's got the tickets?

I do.

I thought you knew this mall.

You said you'd been here before.

Ah, it was easy last time.

Okay, my fish are dying right in front of me.

We've gotta get someone

to drive us around the parking lot

to help us look for the car.

No one's gonna do that.

Excuse me. Hi.

Um, we can't seem to find our car.

I was wondering if it would be possible,

if you're not in a hurry,

to drive us around the garage for five minutes

to drive us around the garage for five minutes

so we can look.

Sorry.

Just five minutes.

Can't do it.

We're not skinheads.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I can't seem to find my car.

Do you think you could drive me--?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that's funny?

Is that funny?

Hey, well, tell me if you think this is funny.

These fish are dying!

In an hour, they'll be belly up.

In an hour, they'll be belly up.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[SARCASTICALLY] Hey, sorry to have disturbed you.

Terribly sorry.

But the fish will be dead...

you do know that.

They can't live in plastic.

That's not me talking. That's science!

It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go.

How does my bladder know I'm in a department store?

Why don't you just go?

No, I can't.

No, I can't.

Don't you get tired of following rules?

You think I'm too cautious?

But why be uncomfortable

if you don't have to?

It's organic.

Organic. So is Buddy Hackett.

Buddy Hackett?

He's a comedian.

I know.

All right. All right.

Hey, you can go over here.

I can manage.

George?

Okay, let's go.

But... Come on.

Kramer.

JERRY: I'm telling you,

I've had this condition since I was 11 years old.

I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life.

I have no control over it.

Doctors have told me that when I feel it,

the best thing to do is just release it.

Otherwise...

I could die.

Do you hear what I'm saying to you?

I'm telling you that if I don't go,

I could die.

Die!

Is it worth dying for?

That's up to you.

That's up to you.

Oh, so you don't care if I die?

What I care about

is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.

Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger?

I know it's against the law.

I don't know.

Because I could get

"uromysitisis" poisoning and die. That's why.

You think I enjoy living like this?

The shame, the humiliation?

You know, I've been issued a public urination pass

by the city because of my condition.

Unfortunately, my little brother ran

out of the house with it this morning.

Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.

Jerry!

Jerry!

Unbelievable.

I'm never gonna get outta here.

A guy goes to pee and never comes back.

It's like a science fiction story.

Maybe he went to one of the other levels.

I'm gonna go look for him.

Oh, now you're gonna go?

I'll be back in five minutes.

If you go now, I know what's gonna happen.

We'll find the car, Jerry will show up,

and we'll never find you.

and we'll never find you.

I'll be right back.

What's the difference?

We'll all be ead eventually.

Does that bother you?

Yeah, it bothers me.

Doesn't it bother you?

Not at all.

You see, now, that bothers me even more

than dying bothers me,

because it's people like you

who live to be 120

because you're not bothered by it.

How can it not bother you?

Well, I once saw this thing on TV

with people who are terminally ill.

Every one of them believed

Every one of them believed

that the secret of life

is just to live every moment.

Yeah, I've heard that.

Meanwhile, I'm here with you

in a parking garage in Jersey.

That's a nice jacket. Where'd you get that?

Some guy left it over at my mother's house.

First of all,

you don't even know technically that I went.

That's for starters.

I could've been pouring a bottle of water out there.

I know what you did.

Oh, really? Do you?

Well, it just so happens that I did pour water out.

Well, it just so happens that I did pour water out.

I had a bottle of very tepid water,

and I poured it out,

and I could see how you made a mistake,

because pouring water out

sounds very much like a person urinating...

And you know,

when you think about it,

It's-- it's really quite an amusing case

of mistaken identity.

That's all it is.

And now he's gone.

I'm sure he's looking for the car.

Five minutes, that's all. I just want to find him.

I can't do it.

But why-- why can't you do it?

I can't.

No, see, that's not a reason-- you can't.

No, see, that's not a reason-- you can't.

You just don't want to.

That's right.

But why don't you want to?

I don't know.

Wouldn't you get any satisfaction

out of helping someone out?

No, I wouldn't.

[ENGINE STARTS]

All right.

All right. I, uh...

I want to apologize.

Uh, I was frightened.

I said crazy things. I obviously offended you.

I said crazy things. I obviously offended you.

I insulted your intelligence.

The "uromysitysis," the water bottle...

I made all that up,

and now I'm gonna tell you the truth.

Today my parents are celebrating...

their 50th--

Well, I'm jumping ahead here--

their 47th wedding anniversary,

and we made plans to spend the evening together.

They're meeting me in front of my building

at 6:15.

What I haven't told you,

What I haven't told you,

or anyone else, for that matter,

is that my father's been in a Red Chinese prison

for the past 14 years.

I mean, the guy had a fat fetish.

The inspector never dated a woman under 250 pounds.

Really.

And what did he do with all that fat?

Does he just jump up and down on it,

or does he gouge you like Killer Kowalski?

Who's Killer Kowalski?

Oh, he was a wrestler.

You know, he would get down on his knees,

and he would grab a hold of someone's stomach,

and he would grab a hold of someone's stomach,

and just squeeze till they gave.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom.

Why don't you just go?

What, here?

You and Jerry. It's--

Okay.

All right, I'm gonna go down this row.

What did I do? I didn't do anything.

Kramer. Kramer!

What, don't you believe me?

It's their 47th anniversary.

You know, this is gonna kill them.

You're aware of that?

Kill them on the biggest night of their life.

Your folks have an anniversary today too?

Is your father

also in a Red Chinese prison?

Red Chinese prison?

George!

George!

Jerry!

Jerry!

You know when you're walking with someone

and you assume that they know where the car is,

and you're fine until you see them do this move.

Once they do this:

When they look back from where they came from--

No, you're in bad shape.

Now, nobody that knows where they're going does that.

Pilots on planes

don't open the cockpit door and go:

Slam.

Well, what happened was

my father was staying at the home

of one of Red China's great military leaders,

General Chang, who, by the way,

came up with the recipe

for General Chang's chicken. Chicken.

You know, the one with the red pepper

and the orange peel?

Szechwan Gardens.

Szechwan Gardens.

Sure. I eat it all the time. Very spicy.

Apparently, General Chang's a very flamboyant man.

Complete failure as a general,

but a hell of a cook.

Look at this. Look at this.

Will you look at this?

He doesn't have enough with the Mercedes.

He has to have two spaces.

I tell you, you know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to spit on it.

I would like to see that.

Should I-- Should I do it?

Teach him a lesson he'll never forget.

Who does he think he is?

Someone's gotta stop him.

It's against the law isn't it?

Well, it certainly should be.

Well, it certainly should be.

Okay.

[ALARM ACTIVATOR BEEPS]

This is some machine.

Leave it to the Germans.

[SNORTS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Let me ask you something.

What do they get for a tune-up on this?

Jerry! Elaine!

Where have you been?

I was arrested for urinating. Me too.

You what?

I have "uromysitysis."

It's very serious, you know.

It's very serious, you know.

Jerry, look at my fish.

Is he...

No, but he's not looking good.

Ugh.

Please.

We can't find our car.

Please drive us around the parking lot

to find our car.

My fish are dying.

Sorry. Can't do it.

I can see not caring what happens to us.

We're human.

But what about the fish? The fish.

Sorry.

Oh, that's right, go.

Go home to your dumbbells.

Go work on your pecs and your lats.

Go work on your pecs and your lats.

We're all really impressed.

Yeah, that's right. You heard me.

You got a problem with that?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Elaine, shut up.

Don't worry. I'm packing heat.

Hey, hey, hey. Where's Kramer?

I don't know.

I thought he was with you.

Oh, see. See, I knew this was gonna happen.

Look at the time. All right. That's it.

All right. Did we look over there?

Have we checked that side?

We came in over there.

We didn't come in over there.

Where's Kramer?

Oh, look at these cars.

They all look exactly alike.

They all look exactly alike.

ELAINE: Oh...

[COUGHING]

The fumes.

I can't breathe.

I'm having trouble breathing.

Hey, George, there she is again.

What are you doing? You're killing me.

Ask her to drive us around. There's your opening.

That is an opening.

Uh, excuse me.

I'm really, uh...

Uh, see, what happened--

My friend forgot where he parked, and--

Sure, I'll drive you around.

You will?

Sure.

GEORGE: Thank you.

Thank you. We're late...

and my parents are waiting for me

in front of my building,

and we're stuck here.

Well, I wouldn't wanna get lost in here.

It smells like a toilet. People are such animals.

You're telling me.

Filthy pigs.

GEORGE: It's a brown Ford.

This has happened to me too. It's very frustrating.

Oh...

Oh...

I asked several people.

They wouldn't even answer me.

I'm happy to do it.

I'm Michele.

Hi, Michele.

I'm George.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

MICHELE: Get out!

But I didn't mean anything by it.

I don't even know L. Ron Hubbard.

I-- I didn't know you were with that group.

I-- I didn't know you were with that group.

What about my fish?

Boy, those scientologists.

They can be pretty sensitive.

I'll say.

What is it?

[GASPS]

The car!

The car!

The car!

[LAUGHING]

[SHOUTING WITH JOY]

ELAINE: I can't believe it!

Kramer.

Kramer's not here. I knew it. I knew it.

I knew this would happen.

Kramer!

Kramer! Kramer!

ELAINE: Kramer!

ELAINE: Kramer!

Hey, look.

Boy, I had a hell of a time finding that air conditioner.

You know, I looked everywhere.

I completely forgot

where I hid it.

Know where it was?

Purple 23.

Right. Purple 23.

I could have used you.

Sometimes it's good to write those things down.

Oh, boy. What time is it?

Oh, boy. What time is it?

Seven forty-five.

Oh.

Well, at least there'll be no traffic, huh?

Right.

Oh, boy.

What time's that play start?

Eight o'clock.

Oh, that could be a problem.

Where's your little bag of...

Oh.

All right. Let's giddy-up-up.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[CLICKING]

[ENGINE CONTINUES SPUTTERING]

See, the problem with the mall garage

is that everything looks the same.

They try to differentiate it.

They put up different colors,

They put up different colors,

different numbers, different letters.

What they need to do is name the levels like

"Your mother's a whore."

You know what I mean? You would remember that.

You would go, "I know, I'm parked

at My Father's an Abusive Alcoholic."

I know where I'm parked.