Original subtitles

Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy

has a very active sexual-social life?

He's always talking about dates and women that he knows

and bringing them back to the suitcase at night.

There's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere, you know.

He says kinky things

because he's made out of wood and he can spin his head around.

We're somehow expected to believe,

Because the face is so animated,

that they think we're not noticing

that they think we're not noticing

that the feet are just swinging there.

Dummy feet

never look really right, do they?

They're just kind of dangling there.

They're always kind of askew,

you know?

And you always just see a little ankle,

those little, thin, fabric ankles that they have,

you know.

You think, "I don't think this thing is real."

Are you kidding me?

Let me speak with the head librarian.

Because it's absurd!

An overdue book from 1971?

This is a joke, right?

What, are you from a radio station?

Okay, you got me. I fell for it.

All right. Okay.

I can be down there in, like, a half-hour.

Bye.

What's the problem?

This you're not going to believe.

The New York Public Library...

The New York Public Library...

Uh-huh.

says that I took out Tropic of Cancer in 1971

and never returned it.

Do you know how much that comes to?

That's a nickel a day for 20 years.

It's going to be $50,000.

It doesn't work like that.

If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000.

It's not going to be anything.

I returned the book.

I remember it very vividly,

because I was with Sherry Becker.

Mm-hmm. She wore this orange dress.

It was the first time

I ever saw her in a dress like that.

I'd known her since ninth grade,

I'd known her since ninth grade,

and she was developing this body in secret,

under these loose clothes, for, like, two years,

and then one day...

this orange dress.

It's burned in my memory.

Ooh. Memory burn, huh?

I wonder whatever happened to her.

How did they find you?

Oh, computers.

They're cracking down now on overdue books.

The whole thing's completely ridiculous.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

That's George.

Wait'll he finds out

we're going to the library

He'll be thrilled. Uh-huh.

You know, I never got a library card.

You know, I never got a library card.

I'm coming down.

It's all a bunch of cheapskates

in there anyway.

People sitting around,

reading the newspaper

attached to those huge wooden sticks.

Trying to save a quarter.

Ooh.

I got to go to the library.

You want to go?

Yeah, yeah. Let's go.

The Dewey Decimal System.

What a scam that was.

Boy, this Dewey guy

Boy, this Dewey guy

really cleaned up on that deal.

Where's George?

Shh!

Look.

Trying to save a quarter.

I kind of like those sticks.

I'd like to get them in my house.

This woman's completely ignoring me.

Look at her.

This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.

A spinster.

A spinster.

Maybe a virgin.

Maybe she got hurt a long time ago.

She's a schoolgirl. There was a boy.

It didn't work out,

so now she needs a little tenderness.

She needs a little understanding.

Needs a little Kramer.

Then she'll need

a little shot of penicillin.

Yes?

Yeah, I called before.

I got this notice in the mail.

I got this notice in the mail.

Oh, Tropic of Cancer.

Henry Miller.

Uh, this case has been turned over

to our Library Investigations officer,

Mr. Bookman.

Bookman?

The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?

Come on.

It's true.

That's amazing.

That's like an ice cream man named Cone.

Well, Lieutenant Bookman's been working here for 25 years,

so I think he's heard all the jokes.

Can I speak with this Bookman?

Just a second.

Just a second.

Jerry...

Jerry...

What?

I think I saw him. I think it's him.

Who?

Did you see the homeless guy

on the library steps

screaming obscenities

and doing some sort of calisthenics routine?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's Mr. Heyman.

The gym teacher from our high school.

Shh!

Heyman? Are you sure?

He's older.

Completely covered in filth.

Completely covered in filth.

No whistle, but I think it's him.

George got him fired.

He squealed on him.

Ooh. Tattletale.

I didn't tattle.

Shh!

All right.

Well, what did this guy do? What happened?

There was an incident.

I'd rather not discuss it.

Oh, come on. You can tell me.

Some other time.

What, tonight?

You know, I never figured you for a squealer.

Oh, he sang like a canary.

Mr. Bookman's not here.

Not here? Why was I told to come down here?

Not here? Why was I told to come down here?

He'll be out all afternoon on a case.

He's out on a case?

He actually goes out cases?

Well, what am I supposed to do now?

I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you.

All right. Thanks.

Come on, let's go.

Let's go see if it's Heyman.

It's not him.

Hey, I'll, uh...

I'll see you boys later, huh?

So, uh, what's a guy got to do around here

to get a library card?

Where's Karen?

She went to pick up lunch.

Well,

she didn't ask me what I wanted.

She must have forgot.

How could she forget?

I've been ordering lunch here

every day for three and a half years.

Is there something you're not telling me?

Because I'm getting, like, a really weird vibe.

Because I'm getting, like, a really weird vibe.

Is Lippman getting rid of me?

It's okay. You can tell me.

I won't say anything.

I don't know anything.

Aha!

You don't know anything. You see?

"I don't know anything" means that there's something to know.

If you really didn't know anything,

you would have said, "You're crazy."

Oh, hi, Mr. Lippman.

Elaine.

Um, I was wondering if you got a chance

to look at that biography of Columbus

that I gave you.

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Yes, I did.

Marie, this water is still too cold.

Oh, yeah.

It's freezing!

Hurts your teeth.

I'm telling you, something is going on.

He never likes anything I recommend,

and then that lunch thing.

So they forgot to get your lunch.

Big deal.

What do you know?

You've never worked in an office.

See, you've worked in an office, George.

You understand.

Jerry thinks I'm overreacting,

Jerry thinks I'm overreacting,

but you understand. Lunch.

I don't understand lunch.

I don't know anything about lunch.

Just because I got the guy fired

doesn't mean I turned him into a bum, does it?

What did he do?

He purposely mispronounced my name.

Instead of saying "Costanza",

he'd say, "Can't-stand-ya!

Can't-stand-ya!"

Remember he made me smell my own gym socks once?

I remember, he made you wear a jock on your head

for a whole class,

and the straps were hanging down.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

You never even had him for gym.

I had him for hygiene. Remember his teeth?

It was like from an exhumed corpse.

Like little baked beans.

Ew.

Yuck.

Come on, tell me what happened.

Well, okay.

As I said, the guy had it in for me.

He actually failed me in gym.

Me.

And those spastic Schnitzer twins.

Can't-stand-ya!

Yes, Mr. Heyman?

Yes, Mr. Heyman?

Your underwear

was sticking out of your shorts

during gym class.

Oh, well,

I guess that's because I wear boxer shorts.

Boxer shorts, huh? What brand?

I'm not really sure. I--

Yeah, well, let's take a look!

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[SCREAMS]

He gave me a wedgie.

And he got fired the next day.

Why do they call it a wedgie?

Because the underwear is pulled up from the back

until it...

wedges in.

They also have an atomic wedgie.

Now, the goal there

Now, the goal there

is to actually get the waistband on top of the head.

It's very rare.

Boys are sick.

Well, what do girls do?

We just tease someone

till they develop an eating disorder.

I got to go back to the library and talk to him.

I got to find out if I ruined his life.

Hey, Babaloo,

you better get home.

You know, this guy Bookman from the library,

he's waiting for you.

What's amazing to me about the library,

is that here's a place where you can go in,

is that here's a place where you can go in,

you take out any book you want,

and they just give it to you

and say, "Bring it back when you're done."

Reminds you of, like, this pathetic friend

everybody had when they were a little kid

that would let you borrow any of his stuff

if you would just be his friend, you know?

That's what the library is.

It's a government-funded pathetic friend,

and that's why everybody kind of bullies the library.

I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late.

Oh, what are you going to do? What are you going to do?

You gonna charge me, a nickel?

Well, I'm glad you're here.

We'll get this straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?

We'll get this straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?

You got any coffee?

Coffee? Yeah, coffee.

No, I don't drink coffee.

You don't drink coffee?

How about instant coffee?

No, I don't have--

You don't have any instant coffee?

Well, I don't-- Who doesn't have instant coffee?

I don't.

You buy a jar of Folger's crystals,

you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it,

and later on, when you need it, it's there.

It lasts forever.

It's freeze-dried crystals.

Freeze-dried crystals.

Really. I'll have to remember that.

You took this book out in 1971.

Yes, and I returned it in 1971.

Yeah, '71.

That was my first year on the job.

Bad year for libraries.

Bad year for libraries.

Bad year for America.

Hippies burning library cards.

Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books.

I don't judge a man by the length of his hair

or the kind of music he listens to.

Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes

when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.

Look, Mr. Bookman...

I returned that book.

I remember it very specifically.

You're a comedian. You make people laugh. I try.

You think this is all a big joke, don't you?

No, I don't.

No, I don't.

I saw you on TV once.

I remembered your name from my list.

I looked it up.

Sure enough, it checked out.

You think because you're a celebrity

that somehow the law doesn't apply to you?

That you're above the law?

Certainly not.

Well, let me tell you something, funny boy.

You know that little stamp,

the one that says "New York Public Library"?

Well, that may not mean anything to you,

but that means a lot to me.

One whole hell of a lot.

Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to.

I've seen your type before.

Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

"Why's this guy making such a big stink

about old library books?"

Well, let me give you a hint, junior.

Maybe we can live without libraries,

people like you and me.

Maybe.

Sure, we're too old to change the world,

but what about that kid, sitting down,

opening a book right now in a branch of the local library

and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees...

in The Cat in the Hat

and The Five Chinese Brothers?

Doesn't he deserve better?

Look, if you think

Look, if you think

this is about overdue fines

and missing books,

you'd better think again.

This is about that kid's right to read a book

without getting his mind warped,

or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld.

Maybe that's how you get your kicks,

you and your good-time buddies.

Well, I got a flash for you, joy-boy.

Party time is over.

You got seven days, Seinfeld.

That is one week.

What's wrong?

It's Bookman, the library cop.

So? I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm supposed to be at work.

I could get fired.

I never should have come here.

Ooh. Why don't you leave?

I can't.

There's no way I'm paying that!

I returned that book in 1971!

I have a witness--

I have a witness--

Sherry Becker!

She wore an orange dress!

She gave me a piece of Blackjack Gum!

I said, "Licorice gum.

What are they gonna think of next?"

I remember it!

Becker... Becker...

Kevin went to a public school.

He's the 14-year-old.

We were going to send Marsha

to a private school,

because in some ways, they don't...

learn enough, I think.

So, Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?

I remember it

like it was yesterday.

It was a Friday afternoon.

I wore a purple dress.

Purple?

You sure it wasn't orange?

You sure it wasn't orange?

Positive.

And I was chewing Dentyne.

Oh, I always chewed Dentyne.

Remember, Jerry? Dentyne?

No Blackjack?

Ugh! Licorice gum?

Never.

What else?

We were, uh, reading passages to each other

from that Henry Miller book you had.

Tropic of Cancer.

No! Tropic of Capricorn.

Tropic of Capricorn?

Tropic of Capricorn?

Remember?

"What holds the world together,

"as I have learned

"from bitter experience,

is sexual intercourse."

Wait a second, wait a second.

You're right.

I had both of them.

We read from Tropic of Capricorn.

I was all set to return Tropic of Cancer,

and then...

George, here's the book.

Oh, man!

Oh, man!

Don't let anybody see it.

Don't let anything happen to it.

Jerry, it's me, George.

Don't worry.

I'll return it tomorrow, no problem.

All right. See you later.

I'm late for Heyman's hygiene.

Where are you going?

It was nice seeing you again.

I just remembered something.

I've got to go.

It was George!

Read another poem.

"Pressed chest, fleshed out west,

"might be the savior,

"might be the savior,

or a garden pest."

Wow. That is great poetry.

You should be published.

It's great.

Well, the library's kind of a cool place

when it's closed.

Oh, yeah.

You don't have to be quiet.

Listen to the echo.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello!

Hello!

Hello! Hello.

Mr. Bookman.

Mr. Bookman.

I remember when the librarian

was a much older woman,

kindly, discreet, unattractive.

We didn't know anything about her private life.

We didn't want to know anything about her private life.

She didn't have a private life.

While you're thinking about that,

think about this.

The library closes at 5:00, no exceptions.

This is your final warning.

Got that, kewpie doll?

Lippman wants to see me in his office.

Lippman wants to see me in his office.

"See me." That can't be good.

Maybe you're getting a raise.

Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

What?

It's George.

George is on his way up!

Wait till I tell him about the book!

[WHIMPERING]

Are you okay?

[MOANS]

What? What?

It's, uh... Oh...

It's Marion's poetry.

I can't take it!

Oh, Kramer.

Oh, Kramer.

[SOBBING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Remember that biography I recommended?

My boss hated it!

I'm right here.

Oh. Sorry.

Remember that Columbus book?

Columbus. Eurotrash.

Well, it's definitely him.

Well, it's definitely him.

Him? Him who?

Him who? Heyman him.

Heyman?

The gym teacher?

You found him?

Oh, I found him.

He was sitting on the steps to the library.

I sat down next to him.

He smelled like the locker room

after that game against Erasmus.

That was double overtime.

I said, "Mr. Heyman,

"it's me, George Costanza,

"J.F.K.,

"J.F.K.,

'71."

He doesn't move,

so I said, uh...

"Can't-stand-ya.

Can't-stand-ya."

He turns and smiles.

Little baked bean teeth.

I get up to run away,

but something was holding me back.

It was Heyman.

He had my underwear.

There I was,

on the steps of the 42nd Street Library,

a grown man...

getting a wedgie.

At least it wasn't atomic.

It was.

So, Georgie-boy,

guess what happened to Tropic of Cancer?

How should I know?

Because I gave it to you.

Because I gave it to you.

Me?

Yeah. Think. Don't you remember?

You kept begging me to see it,

then finally I agreed.

You were supposed to return it.

I met you in the gym locker room and gave it to you.

The locker room.

George, here's the book.

Oh, man!

Don't let anybody see it.

Don't let anything happen to it.

Jerry, it's me, George. Don't worry.

I'll return it tomorrow. No problem.

All right.

I'll see you after school.

I'm late for Heyman's hygiene.

Oh.

[LAUGHING MENACINGLY]

[LAUGHING MENACINGLY]

Can't-stand-ya!

Yes, Mr. Heyman?

Your underwear

was sticking out of your shorts

during gym class.

Well, I guess

that's because I wear boxer shorts.

Boxer shorts, huh? What brand?

Well, I'm not really sure. I--

Yeah? Well, let's take a look!

[LAUGHS]

[SCREAMS]

[HEYMAN LAUGHING]

Anyway,

I hope there's no hard feelings.

I hope there's no hard feelings.

Hard feelings?

What do you know about hard feelings?

You ever have a man die in your arms?

Ever kill somebody?

What is your problem?

What's my problem?

Punks like you.

That's my problem,

and you'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld,

because if you do,

I'll be all over you like a pit bull on a poodle.

That is one tough monkey.

So, you were saying?

So, you were saying?

Oh.

So I took your suggestion,

and I gave my boss Marion's poems,

the ones

that affected Kramer so much.

Oh, beautiful. Did he like them?

No, he didn't.

No, he didn't.

Was he out there?

No, he's gone.

Wonder what happened to him.

I guess we'll never know.

[MUMBLING] Can't-stand-ya!

Can't-stand-ya!

Can't-stand-ya!

[GIGGLING MADLY]

Can't-stand-ya!

Any day that you had gym was a weird school day.

You know what I mean?

Because it, like, started off kind of normal.

You'd have, like, English, geometry, social studies,

and then suddenly,

you're like in Lord of the Flies

for 40 minutes, you know?

You're hanging from a rope.

You have hardly any clothes on.

You have hardly any clothes on.

Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?"

You know, and kids are throwing dodge balls at you.

You're trying to survive.

Then it's history, science,

language.

There's something off in the whole flow of that day.

[♪]

[♪]