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1
00:00:01,166 --> 00:00:04,666
Does it seem to you
that the ventriloquist dummy
2
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:08,900
has a very active
sexual-social life?
3
00:00:08,933 --> 00:00:11,466
He's always talking about dates
and women that he knows
4
00:00:11,500 --> 00:00:14,966
and bringing them back
to the suitcase at night.
5
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:19,133
There's always a sawdust joke
in there somewhere, you know.
6
00:00:19,166 --> 00:00:20,633
He says kinky things
7
00:00:20,666 --> 00:00:23,500
because he's made out of wood
and he can spin his head around.
8
00:00:23,533 --> 00:00:25,166
We're somehow
expected to believe,
9
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,833
Because the face is so animated,
10
00:00:29,866 --> 00:00:30,000
that they think
we're not noticing
11
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,733
that they think
we're not noticing
12
00:00:31,766 --> 00:00:33,133
that the feet
are just swinging there.
13
00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:34,333
Dummy feet
14
00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:35,700
never look really right,
do they?
15
00:00:35,733 --> 00:00:36,900
They're just
kind of dangling there.
16
00:00:36,933 --> 00:00:38,300
They're always kind of askew,
17
00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:39,400
you know?
18
00:00:39,433 --> 00:00:41,033
And you always just see
a little ankle,
19
00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,700
those little, thin,
fabric ankles that they have,
20
00:00:42,733 --> 00:00:44,000
you know.
21
00:00:44,033 --> 00:00:47,000
You think, "I don't think
this thing is real."
22
00:00:49,766 --> 00:00:52,400
Are you kidding me?
23
00:00:52,433 --> 00:00:54,466
Let me speak
with the head librarian.
24
00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:56,700
Because it's absurd!
25
00:00:56,733 --> 00:01:00,800
An overdue book from 1971?
26
00:01:00,833 --> 00:01:02,733
This is a joke, right?
27
00:01:02,766 --> 00:01:04,300
What, are you
from a radio station?
28
00:01:04,333 --> 00:01:06,700
Okay, you got me.
I fell for it.
29
00:01:08,566 --> 00:01:10,733
All right. Okay.
30
00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:12,533
I can be down there
in, like, a half-hour.
31
00:01:12,566 --> 00:01:13,966
Bye.
32
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,566
What's the problem?
33
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,033
This you're not
going to believe.
34
00:01:17,066 --> 00:01:18,131
The New York
Public Library...
35
00:01:18,131 --> 00:01:18,300
The New York
Public Library...
36
00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:19,800
Uh-huh.
37
00:01:19,833 --> 00:01:24,733
says that I took out
Tropic of Cancer in 1971
38
00:01:24,766 --> 00:01:26,400
and never returned it.
39
00:01:26,433 --> 00:01:29,400
Do you know
how much that comes to?
40
00:01:29,433 --> 00:01:31,900
That's a nickel a day
for 20 years.
41
00:01:31,933 --> 00:01:33,400
It's going to be $50,000.
42
00:01:33,433 --> 00:01:34,900
It doesn't work
like that.
43
00:01:34,933 --> 00:01:37,066
If it's a dime a day,
it could be 100,000.
44
00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:38,300
It's not going to be
anything.
45
00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:39,466
I returned the book.
46
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,400
I remember it
very vividly,
47
00:01:41,433 --> 00:01:42,566
because I was
with Sherry Becker.
48
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,800
Mm-hmm.
She wore
this orange dress.
49
00:01:44,833 --> 00:01:45,866
It was the first time
50
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:47,666
I ever saw her
in a dress like that.
51
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:48,131
I'd known her since ninth grade,
52
00:01:48,131 --> 00:01:48,866
I'd known her since ninth grade,
53
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,466
and she was developing this body
in secret,
54
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,233
under these loose clothes,
for, like, two years,
55
00:01:52,266 --> 00:01:54,066
and then one day...
56
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:57,633
this orange dress.
57
00:01:57,666 --> 00:01:59,966
It's burned in my memory.
58
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,700
Ooh. Memory burn, huh?
59
00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:04,300
I wonder
whatever happened to her.
60
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:05,533
How did they find you?
61
00:02:05,566 --> 00:02:06,900
Oh, computers.
62
00:02:06,933 --> 00:02:09,566
They're cracking down now
on overdue books.
63
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,566
The whole thing's
completely ridiculous.
64
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:12,733
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
65
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:13,733
That's George.
66
00:02:13,766 --> 00:02:14,733
Wait'll he finds out
67
00:02:14,766 --> 00:02:15,733
we're going
to the library
68
00:02:15,766 --> 00:02:17,066
He'll be thrilled.
Uh-huh.
69
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,131
You know, I never got
a library card.
70
00:02:18,131 --> 00:02:18,666
You know, I never got
a library card.
71
00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:20,033
I'm coming down.
72
00:02:20,066 --> 00:02:21,633
It's all a bunch
of cheapskates
73
00:02:21,666 --> 00:02:23,033
in there anyway.
74
00:02:23,066 --> 00:02:24,200
People sitting around,
75
00:02:24,233 --> 00:02:25,400
reading the newspaper
76
00:02:25,433 --> 00:02:27,400
attached to those
huge wooden sticks.
77
00:02:27,433 --> 00:02:29,066
Trying to save a quarter.
78
00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:30,300
Ooh.
79
00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:31,733
I got to go
to the library.
80
00:02:31,766 --> 00:02:33,400
You want to go?
81
00:02:33,433 --> 00:02:35,366
Yeah, yeah. Let's go.
82
00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:46,566
The Dewey Decimal System.
83
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,800
What a scam that was.
84
00:02:47,833 --> 00:02:48,131
Boy, this Dewey guy
85
00:02:48,131 --> 00:02:49,833
Boy, this Dewey guy
86
00:02:49,866 --> 00:02:52,400
really cleaned up
on that deal.
87
00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:54,166
Where's George?
88
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:55,533
Shh!
89
00:02:55,566 --> 00:02:56,700
Look.
90
00:02:56,733 --> 00:02:57,833
Trying to save
a quarter.
91
00:02:57,866 --> 00:02:59,833
I kind of like
those sticks.
92
00:02:59,866 --> 00:03:02,900
I'd like to get them
in my house.
93
00:03:07,933 --> 00:03:10,900
This woman's
completely ignoring me.
94
00:03:10,933 --> 00:03:12,400
Look at her.
95
00:03:12,433 --> 00:03:15,433
This is a lonely woman
looking for companionship.
96
00:03:17,433 --> 00:03:18,131
A spinster.
97
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,733
A spinster.
98
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:22,866
Maybe a virgin.
99
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:25,900
Maybe she got hurt
a long time ago.
100
00:03:25,933 --> 00:03:28,733
She's a schoolgirl.
There was a boy.
101
00:03:28,766 --> 00:03:29,900
It didn't work out,
102
00:03:29,933 --> 00:03:32,400
so now she needs
a little tenderness.
103
00:03:32,433 --> 00:03:34,900
She needs
a little understanding.
104
00:03:34,933 --> 00:03:37,600
Needs a little Kramer.
105
00:03:40,266 --> 00:03:41,366
Then she'll need
106
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,966
a little shot
of penicillin.
107
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,500
Yes?
108
00:03:46,533 --> 00:03:47,733
Yeah, I called before.
109
00:03:47,766 --> 00:03:48,131
I got this notice
in the mail.
110
00:03:48,131 --> 00:03:49,866
I got this notice
in the mail.
111
00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:53,333
Oh, Tropic of Cancer.
112
00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:55,833
Henry Miller.
113
00:03:55,866 --> 00:03:58,333
Uh, this case
has been turned over
114
00:03:58,366 --> 00:03:59,533
to our Library Investigations
officer,
115
00:03:59,566 --> 00:04:00,633
Mr. Bookman.
116
00:04:00,666 --> 00:04:02,066
Bookman?
117
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:05,066
The library investigator's name
is actually Bookman?
118
00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:06,200
Come on.
119
00:04:06,233 --> 00:04:07,200
It's true.
120
00:04:07,233 --> 00:04:08,400
That's amazing.
121
00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:11,833
That's like an ice cream man
named Cone.
122
00:04:11,866 --> 00:04:13,900
Well, Lieutenant Bookman's
been working here for 25 years,
123
00:04:13,933 --> 00:04:16,033
so I think he's heard
all the jokes.
124
00:04:16,066 --> 00:04:17,833
Can I speak
with this Bookman?
125
00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:18,131
Just a second.
126
00:04:18,131 --> 00:04:18,900
Just a second.
127
00:04:21,933 --> 00:04:23,000
Jerry...
128
00:04:23,033 --> 00:04:24,900
Jerry...
129
00:04:24,933 --> 00:04:26,400
What?
130
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:29,833
I think I saw him.
I think it's him.
131
00:04:29,866 --> 00:04:30,866
Who?
132
00:04:30,900 --> 00:04:32,066
Did you see
the homeless guy
133
00:04:32,100 --> 00:04:33,366
on the library steps
134
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:34,400
screaming obscenities
135
00:04:34,433 --> 00:04:35,833
and doing some sort
of calisthenics routine?
136
00:04:35,866 --> 00:04:37,033
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
137
00:04:37,066 --> 00:04:38,200
I think that's Mr. Heyman.
138
00:04:39,533 --> 00:04:41,333
The gym teacher
from our high school.
139
00:04:41,366 --> 00:04:44,200
Shh!
140
00:04:44,233 --> 00:04:45,533
Heyman? Are you sure?
141
00:04:45,566 --> 00:04:46,533
He's older.
142
00:04:46,566 --> 00:04:48,131
Completely covered
in filth.
143
00:04:48,131 --> 00:04:48,900
Completely covered
in filth.
144
00:04:48,933 --> 00:04:52,000
No whistle,
but I think it's him.
145
00:04:52,033 --> 00:04:53,833
George got him fired.
146
00:04:53,866 --> 00:04:55,833
He squealed on him.
147
00:04:55,866 --> 00:04:57,233
Ooh. Tattletale.
148
00:04:57,266 --> 00:04:58,233
I didn't tattle.
149
00:04:58,266 --> 00:04:59,500
Shh!
150
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:00,700
All right.
151
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:02,566
Well, what did this guy do?
What happened?
152
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:03,800
There was an incident.
153
00:05:03,833 --> 00:05:05,400
I'd rather not
discuss it.
154
00:05:05,433 --> 00:05:06,800
Oh, come on. You can tell me.
155
00:05:06,833 --> 00:05:07,900
Some other time.
156
00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:10,066
What, tonight?
157
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:12,733
You know, I never figured you
for a squealer.
158
00:05:12,766 --> 00:05:14,566
Oh, he sang
like a canary.
159
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:15,733
Mr. Bookman's not here.
160
00:05:15,766 --> 00:05:18,131
Not here? Why was I told
to come down here?
161
00:05:18,131 --> 00:05:18,200
Not here? Why was I told
to come down here?
162
00:05:18,233 --> 00:05:20,566
He'll be out all afternoon
on a case.
163
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,733
He's out on a case?
164
00:05:21,766 --> 00:05:23,166
He actually goes out cases?
165
00:05:24,500 --> 00:05:26,066
Well, what am I
supposed to do now?
166
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:27,866
I'll have Mr. Bookman
get in touch with you.
167
00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:29,400
All right. Thanks.
168
00:05:29,433 --> 00:05:30,400
Come on, let's go.
169
00:05:30,433 --> 00:05:32,400
Let's go see
if it's Heyman.
170
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:33,566
It's not him.
171
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:34,566
Hey, I'll, uh...
172
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:35,933
I'll see you boys later, huh?
173
00:05:41,333 --> 00:05:43,400
So, uh, what's a guy
got to do around here
174
00:05:43,433 --> 00:05:45,433
to get a library card?
175
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,833
Where's Karen?
176
00:05:58,866 --> 00:06:01,233
She went
to pick up lunch.
177
00:06:01,266 --> 00:06:02,366
Well,
178
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,800
she didn't ask me what I wanted.
179
00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:08,133
She must have forgot.
180
00:06:08,166 --> 00:06:09,733
How could she forget?
181
00:06:09,766 --> 00:06:11,200
I've been ordering lunch here
182
00:06:11,233 --> 00:06:13,066
every day
for three and a half years.
183
00:06:14,866 --> 00:06:16,800
Is there something
you're not telling me?
184
00:06:16,833 --> 00:06:18,131
Because I'm getting, like,
a really weird vibe.
185
00:06:18,131 --> 00:06:18,366
Because I'm getting, like,
a really weird vibe.
186
00:06:19,766 --> 00:06:20,900
Is Lippman getting rid of me?
187
00:06:20,933 --> 00:06:22,133
It's okay. You can tell me.
188
00:06:22,166 --> 00:06:23,133
I won't say anything.
189
00:06:23,166 --> 00:06:24,566
I don't know anything.
190
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:25,900
Aha!
191
00:06:25,933 --> 00:06:27,466
You don't know anything.
You see?
192
00:06:27,500 --> 00:06:29,466
"I don't know anything" means
that there's something to know.
193
00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:30,800
If you really
didn't know anything,
194
00:06:30,833 --> 00:06:32,233
you would have said,
"You're crazy."
195
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,066
Oh, hi, Mr. Lippman.
196
00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:36,366
Elaine.
197
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:40,033
Um, I was wondering
if you got a chance
198
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,400
to look at that
biography of Columbus
199
00:06:41,433 --> 00:06:43,333
that I gave you.
200
00:06:43,366 --> 00:06:45,400
Yes, I did.
201
00:06:45,433 --> 00:06:48,131
Yes, I did.
202
00:06:48,131 --> 00:06:49,666
Yes, I did.
203
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:51,333
Marie, this water
is still too cold.
204
00:06:51,366 --> 00:06:52,500
Oh, yeah.
205
00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:53,533
It's freezing!
206
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:57,833
Hurts your teeth.
207
00:07:03,733 --> 00:07:05,133
I'm telling you,
something is going on.
208
00:07:05,166 --> 00:07:07,000
He never likes
anything I recommend,
209
00:07:07,033 --> 00:07:08,500
and then
that lunch thing.
210
00:07:08,533 --> 00:07:10,366
So they forgot
to get your lunch.
211
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:11,500
Big deal.
212
00:07:11,533 --> 00:07:12,566
What do you know?
213
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,500
You've never worked
in an office.
214
00:07:14,533 --> 00:07:16,166
See, you've worked
in an office, George.
215
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,800
You understand.
216
00:07:17,833 --> 00:07:18,131
Jerry thinks
I'm overreacting,
217
00:07:18,131 --> 00:07:18,833
Jerry thinks
I'm overreacting,
218
00:07:18,866 --> 00:07:20,566
but you understand.
Lunch.
219
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:21,833
I don't understand lunch.
220
00:07:21,866 --> 00:07:23,566
I don't know anything
about lunch.
221
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,166
Just because
I got the guy fired
222
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,633
doesn't mean I turned him
into a bum, does it?
223
00:07:27,666 --> 00:07:28,666
What did he do?
224
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:30,666
He purposely
mispronounced my name.
225
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,000
Instead of saying "Costanza",
226
00:07:33,033 --> 00:07:35,333
he'd say, "Can't-stand-ya!
227
00:07:35,366 --> 00:07:36,866
Can't-stand-ya!"
228
00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:41,000
Remember he made me smell
my own gym socks once?
229
00:07:41,033 --> 00:07:44,166
I remember, he made you wear
a jock on your head
230
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:45,533
for a whole class,
231
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,533
and the straps
were hanging down.
232
00:07:47,566 --> 00:07:48,131
Okay, okay.
233
00:07:48,131 --> 00:07:48,666
Okay, okay.
234
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:51,000
You never even
had him for gym.
235
00:07:51,033 --> 00:07:53,566
I had him for hygiene.
Remember his teeth?
236
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,000
It was like
from an exhumed corpse.
237
00:07:56,033 --> 00:07:57,666
Like little baked beans.
238
00:07:57,700 --> 00:07:58,666
Ew.
239
00:07:58,700 --> 00:07:59,700
Yuck.
240
00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:03,500
Come on, tell me
what happened.
241
00:08:03,533 --> 00:08:05,000
Well, okay.
242
00:08:05,033 --> 00:08:09,000
As I said,
the guy had it in for me.
243
00:08:09,033 --> 00:08:10,566
He actually failed me in gym.
244
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,633
Me.
245
00:08:12,666 --> 00:08:16,233
And thosespastic Schnitzer twins.
246
00:08:16,266 --> 00:08:17,333
Can't-stand-ya!
247
00:08:17,366 --> 00:08:18,131
Yes, Mr. Heyman?
248
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:18,400
Yes, Mr. Heyman?
249
00:08:18,433 --> 00:08:19,500
Your underwear
250
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:20,666
was sticking out
of your shorts
251
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:21,666
during gym class.
252
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:22,833
Oh, well,
253
00:08:22,866 --> 00:08:24,400
I guess that's because
I wear boxer shorts.
254
00:08:24,433 --> 00:08:27,166
Boxer shorts, huh?
What brand?
255
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:28,666
I'm not really sure. I--
256
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:29,866
Yeah, well,
let's take a look!
257
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,000
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
258
00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:32,066
[SCREAMS]
259
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,833
He gave me a wedgie.
260
00:08:33,866 --> 00:08:36,366
And he got fired the next day.
261
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,033
Why do they call it
a wedgie?
262
00:08:38,066 --> 00:08:39,966
Because the underwear
is pulled up from the back
263
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,300
until it...
264
00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:42,600
wedges in.
265
00:08:44,533 --> 00:08:47,000
They also have an atomic wedgie.
266
00:08:47,033 --> 00:08:48,131
Now, the goal there
267
00:08:48,131 --> 00:08:48,500
Now, the goal there
268
00:08:48,533 --> 00:08:53,733
is to actually get the waistband
on top of the head.
269
00:08:53,766 --> 00:08:56,400
It's very rare.
270
00:08:56,433 --> 00:08:57,900
Boys are sick.
271
00:08:57,933 --> 00:08:59,800
Well, what do girls do?
272
00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:00,900
We just tease someone
273
00:09:00,933 --> 00:09:04,666
till they develop
an eating disorder.
274
00:09:04,700 --> 00:09:07,500
I got to go back to the library
and talk to him.
275
00:09:07,533 --> 00:09:10,166
I got to find out
if I ruined his life.
276
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,366
Hey, Babaloo,
277
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,566
you better get home.
278
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,166
You know, this guy Bookman
from the library,
279
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:15,166
he's waiting for you.
280
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:18,033
What's amazing to me
about the library,
281
00:09:18,066 --> 00:09:18,131
is that here's a place
where you can go in,
282
00:09:18,131 --> 00:09:20,033
is that here's a place
where you can go in,
283
00:09:20,066 --> 00:09:22,000
you take out any book you want,
284
00:09:22,033 --> 00:09:23,500
and they just give it to you
285
00:09:23,533 --> 00:09:25,333
and say, "Bring it back
when you're done."
286
00:09:25,366 --> 00:09:26,733
Reminds you of, like,
this pathetic friend
287
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:28,500
everybody had
when they were a little kid
288
00:09:28,533 --> 00:09:30,500
that would let you borrow
any of his stuff
289
00:09:30,533 --> 00:09:32,300
if you would just be his friend,
you know?
290
00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:33,366
That's what the library is.
291
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,300
It's a government-funded
pathetic friend,
292
00:09:36,333 --> 00:09:38,066
and that's why everybody
kind of bullies the library.
293
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:40,300
I'll bring it back on time,
I'll bring it back late.
294
00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:42,866
Oh, what are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
295
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:44,866
You gonna charge me,
a nickel?
296
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:46,333
Well, I'm glad
you're here.
297
00:09:46,366 --> 00:09:48,131
We'll get this straightened out.
Would you like a cup of tea?
298
00:09:48,131 --> 00:09:48,700
We'll get this straightened out.
Would you like a cup of tea?
299
00:09:48,733 --> 00:09:49,700
You got any coffee?
300
00:09:49,733 --> 00:09:50,700
Coffee?
Yeah, coffee.
301
00:09:50,733 --> 00:09:51,833
No, I don't drink coffee.
302
00:09:51,866 --> 00:09:52,833
You don't drink coffee?
303
00:09:52,866 --> 00:09:53,833
How about instant coffee?
304
00:09:53,866 --> 00:09:54,900
No, I don't have--
305
00:09:54,933 --> 00:09:56,333
You don't have
any instant coffee?
306
00:09:56,366 --> 00:09:58,000
Well, I don't--
Who doesn't have instant coffee?
307
00:09:58,033 --> 00:09:59,166
I don't.
308
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:00,533
You buy a jar
of Folger's crystals,
309
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,533
you put it in the cupboard,
you forget about it,
310
00:10:02,566 --> 00:10:04,333
and later on, when you need it,
it's there.
311
00:10:04,366 --> 00:10:05,333
It lasts forever.
312
00:10:05,366 --> 00:10:06,333
It's freeze-dried crystals.
313
00:10:06,366 --> 00:10:07,500
Freeze-dried crystals.
314
00:10:07,533 --> 00:10:10,900
Really.
I'll have to remember that.
315
00:10:10,933 --> 00:10:13,000
You took this book out
in 1971.
316
00:10:13,033 --> 00:10:14,633
Yes, and I returned it
in 1971.
317
00:10:14,666 --> 00:10:15,666
Yeah, '71.
318
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,500
That was my first year
on the job.
319
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:18,131
Bad year for libraries.
320
00:10:18,131 --> 00:10:19,000
Bad year for libraries.
321
00:10:19,033 --> 00:10:20,333
Bad year for America.
322
00:10:20,366 --> 00:10:22,500
Hippies burning library cards.
323
00:10:22,533 --> 00:10:25,833
Abbie Hoffman telling everybody
to steal books.
324
00:10:25,866 --> 00:10:28,000
I don't judge a man
by the length of his hair
325
00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:29,633
or the kind of music
he listens to.
326
00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:32,200
Rock was never my bag.
But you put on a pair of shoes
327
00:10:32,233 --> 00:10:34,200
when you walk into the New York
Public Library, fella.
328
00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:37,000
Look, Mr. Bookman...
329
00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:38,500
I returned that book.
330
00:10:38,533 --> 00:10:40,333
I remember it very specifically.
331
00:10:40,366 --> 00:10:42,566
You're a comedian.
You make people laugh.
I try.
332
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,766
You think this is all
a big joke, don't you?
333
00:10:47,033 --> 00:10:48,131
No, I don't.
334
00:10:48,131 --> 00:10:48,666
No, I don't.
335
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,000
I saw you on TV once.
336
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:51,366
I remembered your name
from my list.
337
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:52,366
I looked it up.
338
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:53,400
Sure enough,
it checked out.
339
00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:55,900
You think because
you're a celebrity
340
00:10:55,933 --> 00:10:57,533
that somehow the law
doesn't apply to you?
341
00:10:57,566 --> 00:10:58,533
That you're
above the law?
342
00:10:58,566 --> 00:10:59,666
Certainly not.
343
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:02,500
Well, let me tell you something,
funny boy.
344
00:11:02,533 --> 00:11:04,333
You know that little stamp,
345
00:11:04,366 --> 00:11:05,900
the one that says
"New York Public Library"?
346
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,500
Well, that may not mean
anything to you,
347
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:08,900
but that means
a lot to me.
348
00:11:08,933 --> 00:11:10,333
One whole hell of a lot.
349
00:11:10,366 --> 00:11:12,500
Sure, go ahead,
laugh if you want to.
350
00:11:12,533 --> 00:11:14,000
I've seen your type before.
351
00:11:14,033 --> 00:11:17,000
Flashy, making the scene,
flaunting convention.
352
00:11:17,033 --> 00:11:18,131
Yeah, I know
what you're thinking.
353
00:11:18,131 --> 00:11:19,000
Yeah, I know
what you're thinking.
354
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:20,900
"Why's this guy
making such a big stink
355
00:11:20,933 --> 00:11:22,333
about old library books?"
356
00:11:22,366 --> 00:11:25,833
Well, let me give you
a hint, junior.
357
00:11:25,866 --> 00:11:27,033
Maybe we can live
without libraries,
358
00:11:27,066 --> 00:11:28,166
people like you and me.
359
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,366
Maybe.
360
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,500
Sure, we're too old
to change the world,
361
00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:33,200
but what about that kid,
sitting down,
362
00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:36,500
opening a book right now
in a branch of the local library
363
00:11:36,533 --> 00:11:40,433
and finding drawings
of pee-pees and wee-wees...
364
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,366
in The Cat in the Hat
365
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,066
and The FiveChinese Brothers?
366
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,400
Doesn't he deserve better?
367
00:11:47,433 --> 00:11:48,131
Look, if you think
368
00:11:48,131 --> 00:11:48,666
Look, if you think
369
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:49,666
this is about
overdue fines
370
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:50,666
and missing books,
371
00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:52,166
you'd better think again.
372
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,400
This is about that kid's right
to read a book
373
00:11:54,433 --> 00:11:56,400
without getting his mind warped,
374
00:11:56,433 --> 00:11:58,566
or maybe that turns you on,
Seinfeld.
375
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,000
Maybe that's how
you get your kicks,
376
00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:01,833
you and your
good-time buddies.
377
00:12:01,866 --> 00:12:04,733
Well, I got a flash for you,
joy-boy.
378
00:12:08,533 --> 00:12:10,533
Party time is over.
379
00:12:10,566 --> 00:12:14,833
You got seven days,
Seinfeld.
380
00:12:14,866 --> 00:12:16,533
That is one week.
381
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:23,233
What's wrong?
382
00:12:23,266 --> 00:12:25,500
It's Bookman,
the library cop.
383
00:12:25,533 --> 00:12:28,000
So? I didn't do
anything wrong.
384
00:12:28,033 --> 00:12:29,333
I'm supposed
to be at work.
385
00:12:29,366 --> 00:12:30,466
I could get fired.
386
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,766
I never should have
come here.
387
00:12:33,533 --> 00:12:37,233
Ooh. Why don't you leave?
388
00:12:39,866 --> 00:12:41,566
I can't.
389
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:44,966
There's no way I'm paying that!
390
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,833
I returned that book in 1971!
391
00:12:47,866 --> 00:12:48,131
I have a witness--
392
00:12:48,131 --> 00:12:49,233
I have a witness--
393
00:12:49,266 --> 00:12:50,833
Sherry Becker!
394
00:12:50,866 --> 00:12:52,733
She wore an orange dress!
395
00:12:52,766 --> 00:12:55,500
She gave me
a piece of Blackjack Gum!
396
00:12:55,533 --> 00:12:56,900
I said, "Licorice gum.
397
00:12:56,933 --> 00:12:59,233
What are they gonna
think of next?"
398
00:12:59,266 --> 00:13:01,166
I remember it!
399
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:08,266
Becker... Becker...
400
00:13:21,415 --> 00:13:23,048
Kevin went to a public school.
401
00:13:23,082 --> 00:13:25,415
He's the 14-year-old.
402
00:13:25,448 --> 00:13:27,082
We were going to send Marsha
403
00:13:27,115 --> 00:13:28,748
to a private school,
404
00:13:28,782 --> 00:13:31,382
because in some ways,
they don't...
405
00:13:31,415 --> 00:13:34,682
learn enough, I think.
406
00:13:34,715 --> 00:13:38,548
So, Sherry, what do you remember
about that day at the library?
407
00:13:38,582 --> 00:13:40,848
I remember it
408
00:13:40,882 --> 00:13:42,015
like it was yesterday.
409
00:13:42,048 --> 00:13:44,548
It was a Friday afternoon.
410
00:13:44,582 --> 00:13:46,548
I wore a purple dress.
411
00:13:46,582 --> 00:13:47,915
Purple?
412
00:13:47,948 --> 00:13:49,465
You sure it wasn't orange?
413
00:13:49,465 --> 00:13:49,548
You sure it wasn't orange?
414
00:13:49,582 --> 00:13:50,715
Positive.
415
00:13:50,748 --> 00:13:53,548
And I was chewing Dentyne.
416
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:57,048
Oh, I always chewed Dentyne.
417
00:13:57,082 --> 00:14:00,282
Remember, Jerry? Dentyne?
418
00:14:02,115 --> 00:14:03,282
No Blackjack?
419
00:14:03,315 --> 00:14:05,082
Ugh! Licorice gum?
420
00:14:05,115 --> 00:14:06,082
Never.
421
00:14:06,115 --> 00:14:08,048
What else?
422
00:14:08,082 --> 00:14:11,582
We were, uh,
reading passages to each other
423
00:14:11,615 --> 00:14:14,082
from that Henry Miller book
you had.
424
00:14:14,115 --> 00:14:15,548
Tropic of Cancer.
425
00:14:15,582 --> 00:14:18,748
No! Tropic of Capricorn.
426
00:14:18,782 --> 00:14:19,465
Tropic of Capricorn?
427
00:14:19,465 --> 00:14:21,082
Tropic of Capricorn?
428
00:14:21,115 --> 00:14:23,582
Remember?
429
00:14:23,615 --> 00:14:26,215
"What holds the world together,
430
00:14:26,248 --> 00:14:28,582
"as I have learned
431
00:14:28,615 --> 00:14:30,582
"from bitter experience,
432
00:14:30,615 --> 00:14:33,948
is sexual intercourse."
433
00:14:36,615 --> 00:14:38,515
Wait a second, wait a second.
434
00:14:38,548 --> 00:14:39,548
You're right.
435
00:14:39,582 --> 00:14:41,248
I had both of them.
436
00:14:41,282 --> 00:14:43,548
We read
from Tropic of Capricorn.
437
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:45,882
I was all set to return
Tropic of Cancer,
438
00:14:45,915 --> 00:14:47,048
and then...
439
00:14:47,082 --> 00:14:48,715
George, here's the book.
440
00:14:48,748 --> 00:14:49,465
Oh, man!
441
00:14:49,465 --> 00:14:49,848
Oh, man!
442
00:14:49,882 --> 00:14:50,882
Don't let anybody see it.
443
00:14:50,915 --> 00:14:52,382
Don't let anything
happen to it.
444
00:14:52,415 --> 00:14:54,048
Jerry, it's me, George.
445
00:14:54,082 --> 00:14:55,048
Don't worry.
446
00:14:55,082 --> 00:14:56,215
I'll return it tomorrow,
no problem.
447
00:14:56,248 --> 00:14:57,348
All right. See you later.
448
00:14:57,382 --> 00:14:59,448
I'm late
for Heyman's hygiene.
449
00:15:01,115 --> 00:15:02,682
Where are you going?
450
00:15:02,715 --> 00:15:04,082
It was nice
seeing you again.
451
00:15:04,115 --> 00:15:05,215
I just remembered
something.
452
00:15:05,248 --> 00:15:06,215
I've got to go.
453
00:15:07,582 --> 00:15:09,315
It was George!
454
00:15:12,948 --> 00:15:14,015
Read another poem.
455
00:15:14,048 --> 00:15:18,082
"Pressed chest,
fleshed out west,
456
00:15:18,115 --> 00:15:19,465
"might be the savior,
457
00:15:19,465 --> 00:15:20,382
"might be the savior,
458
00:15:20,415 --> 00:15:22,282
or a garden pest."
459
00:15:22,315 --> 00:15:25,115
Wow. That is great poetry.
460
00:15:25,148 --> 00:15:27,215
You should be published.
461
00:15:27,248 --> 00:15:30,082
It's great.
462
00:15:30,115 --> 00:15:33,082
Well, the library's
kind of a cool place
463
00:15:33,115 --> 00:15:34,582
when it's closed.
464
00:15:34,615 --> 00:15:35,682
Oh, yeah.
465
00:15:35,715 --> 00:15:37,082
You don't have to be quiet.
466
00:15:37,115 --> 00:15:38,582
Listen to the echo.
467
00:15:38,615 --> 00:15:39,582
Hello!
468
00:15:39,615 --> 00:15:40,882
Hello!
469
00:15:40,915 --> 00:15:41,882
Hello!
470
00:15:41,915 --> 00:15:43,382
Hello!
471
00:15:43,415 --> 00:15:45,082
Hello!
Hello.
472
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:49,465
Mr. Bookman.
473
00:15:49,465 --> 00:15:50,015
Mr. Bookman.
474
00:15:50,048 --> 00:15:51,548
I remember
when the librarian
475
00:15:51,582 --> 00:15:53,548
was a much older woman,
476
00:15:53,582 --> 00:15:56,448
kindly, discreet,
unattractive.
477
00:15:56,482 --> 00:15:59,048
We didn't know anything
about her private life.
478
00:15:59,082 --> 00:16:01,515
We didn't want to know anything
about her private life.
479
00:16:01,548 --> 00:16:04,215
She didn't have
a private life.
480
00:16:04,248 --> 00:16:05,415
While you're thinking
about that,
481
00:16:05,448 --> 00:16:06,582
think about this.
482
00:16:06,615 --> 00:16:09,215
The library closes at 5:00,
no exceptions.
483
00:16:09,248 --> 00:16:11,115
This is your
final warning.
484
00:16:11,148 --> 00:16:12,448
Got that, kewpie doll?
485
00:16:17,615 --> 00:16:19,465
Lippman wants to see me
in his office.
486
00:16:19,465 --> 00:16:20,582
Lippman wants to see me
in his office.
487
00:16:20,615 --> 00:16:23,082
"See me." That can't be good.
488
00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:24,548
Maybe you're
getting a raise.
489
00:16:24,582 --> 00:16:26,048
Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.
490
00:16:26,082 --> 00:16:27,115
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
491
00:16:30,248 --> 00:16:31,215
What?
492
00:16:31,248 --> 00:16:32,415
It's George.
493
00:16:32,448 --> 00:16:34,048
George is on his way up!
494
00:16:34,082 --> 00:16:35,915
Wait till I tell him
about the book!
495
00:16:35,948 --> 00:16:38,082
[WHIMPERING]
496
00:16:38,115 --> 00:16:39,448
Are you okay?
497
00:16:39,482 --> 00:16:40,582
[MOANS]
498
00:16:40,615 --> 00:16:42,548
What? What?
499
00:16:42,582 --> 00:16:44,115
It's, uh...
Oh...
500
00:16:44,148 --> 00:16:46,048
It's Marion's poetry.
501
00:16:46,082 --> 00:16:47,548
I can't take it!
502
00:16:47,582 --> 00:16:49,465
Oh, Kramer.
503
00:16:49,465 --> 00:16:49,882
Oh, Kramer.
504
00:16:49,915 --> 00:16:51,715
[SOBBING]
505
00:16:51,748 --> 00:16:53,748
[DOOR CLOSES]
506
00:16:53,782 --> 00:16:56,882
Remember that biography
I recommended?
507
00:16:56,915 --> 00:16:58,548
My boss hated it!
508
00:16:58,582 --> 00:17:00,048
I'm right here.
509
00:17:00,082 --> 00:17:02,448
Oh. Sorry.
510
00:17:02,482 --> 00:17:04,048
Remember
that Columbus book?
511
00:17:04,082 --> 00:17:07,048
Columbus. Eurotrash.
512
00:17:18,748 --> 00:17:19,465
Well, it's definitely him.
513
00:17:19,465 --> 00:17:21,215
Well, it's definitely him.
514
00:17:23,115 --> 00:17:25,782
Him? Him who?
515
00:17:25,815 --> 00:17:28,015
Him who? Heyman him.
516
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,548
Heyman?
517
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,948
The gym teacher?
518
00:17:30,982 --> 00:17:32,015
You found him?
519
00:17:32,048 --> 00:17:33,582
Oh, I found him.
520
00:17:33,615 --> 00:17:36,082
He was sitting on the steps
to the library.
521
00:17:36,115 --> 00:17:37,948
I sat down next to him.
522
00:17:37,982 --> 00:17:39,748
He smelled
like the locker room
523
00:17:39,782 --> 00:17:41,748
after that game
against Erasmus.
524
00:17:41,782 --> 00:17:43,048
That was double overtime.
525
00:17:43,082 --> 00:17:45,882
I said, "Mr. Heyman,
526
00:17:45,915 --> 00:17:48,548
"it's me, George Costanza,
527
00:17:48,582 --> 00:17:49,465
"J.F.K.,
528
00:17:49,465 --> 00:17:49,715
"J.F.K.,
529
00:17:49,748 --> 00:17:51,382
'71."
530
00:17:51,415 --> 00:17:53,048
He doesn't move,
531
00:17:53,082 --> 00:17:54,082
so I said, uh...
532
00:17:55,482 --> 00:17:57,548
"Can't-stand-ya.
533
00:17:57,582 --> 00:17:59,548
Can't-stand-ya."
534
00:17:59,582 --> 00:18:01,548
He turns and smiles.
535
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,715
Little baked bean teeth.
536
00:18:06,248 --> 00:18:08,415
I get up to run away,
537
00:18:08,448 --> 00:18:10,782
but something
was holding me back.
538
00:18:12,882 --> 00:18:16,748
It was Heyman.
539
00:18:16,782 --> 00:18:18,582
He had my underwear.
540
00:18:20,582 --> 00:18:21,882
There I was,
541
00:18:21,915 --> 00:18:25,415
on the steps
of the 42nd Street Library,
542
00:18:25,448 --> 00:18:28,915
a grown man...
543
00:18:28,948 --> 00:18:30,548
getting a wedgie.
544
00:18:33,215 --> 00:18:35,415
At least
it wasn't atomic.
545
00:18:37,615 --> 00:18:39,548
It was.
546
00:18:43,082 --> 00:18:44,548
So, Georgie-boy,
547
00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:47,882
guess what happened
to Tropic of Cancer?
548
00:18:47,915 --> 00:18:49,115
How should I know?
549
00:18:49,148 --> 00:18:49,465
Because I gave it to you.
550
00:18:49,465 --> 00:18:50,382
Because I gave it to you.
551
00:18:50,415 --> 00:18:51,848
Me?
552
00:18:51,882 --> 00:18:53,048
Yeah. Think. Don't you remember?
553
00:18:53,082 --> 00:18:55,048
You kept begging me to see it,
554
00:18:55,082 --> 00:18:56,348
then finally I agreed.
555
00:18:56,382 --> 00:18:59,382
You were supposed
to return it.
556
00:18:59,415 --> 00:19:02,082
I met you in the gym locker room
and gave it to you.
557
00:19:03,915 --> 00:19:04,948
The locker room.
558
00:19:04,982 --> 00:19:06,215
George, here's the book.
559
00:19:06,248 --> 00:19:07,548
Oh, man!
560
00:19:07,582 --> 00:19:08,882
Don't let anybody
see it.
561
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,082
Don't let anything
happen to it.
562
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:11,448
Jerry, it's me, George.
Don't worry.
563
00:19:11,482 --> 00:19:12,882
I'll return it tomorrow.
No problem.
564
00:19:12,915 --> 00:19:14,048
All right.
565
00:19:14,082 --> 00:19:15,115
I'll see you
after school.
566
00:19:15,148 --> 00:19:16,215
I'm late
for Heyman's hygiene.
567
00:19:16,248 --> 00:19:18,115
Oh.
568
00:19:18,148 --> 00:19:19,465
[LAUGHING MENACINGLY]
569
00:19:19,465 --> 00:19:19,882
[LAUGHING MENACINGLY]
570
00:19:19,915 --> 00:19:21,415
Can't-stand-ya!
571
00:19:21,448 --> 00:19:22,548
Yes, Mr. Heyman?
572
00:19:22,582 --> 00:19:23,582
Your underwear
573
00:19:23,615 --> 00:19:24,915
was sticking
out of your shorts
574
00:19:24,948 --> 00:19:26,082
during gym class.
575
00:19:26,115 --> 00:19:27,182
Well, I guess
576
00:19:27,215 --> 00:19:28,582
that's because
I wear boxer shorts.
577
00:19:28,615 --> 00:19:30,582
Boxer shorts, huh?
What brand?
578
00:19:30,615 --> 00:19:32,082
Well, I'm not really sure. I--
579
00:19:32,115 --> 00:19:33,515
Yeah? Well,
let's take a look!
580
00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:34,848
[LAUGHS]
581
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,248
[SCREAMS]
582
00:19:36,282 --> 00:19:39,582
[HEYMAN LAUGHING]
583
00:19:47,048 --> 00:19:48,215
Anyway,
584
00:19:48,248 --> 00:19:49,465
I hope there's
no hard feelings.
585
00:19:49,465 --> 00:19:50,615
I hope there's
no hard feelings.
586
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,915
Hard feelings?
587
00:19:52,948 --> 00:19:55,382
What do you know
about hard feelings?
588
00:19:57,648 --> 00:19:59,448
You ever have a man die
in your arms?
589
00:19:59,482 --> 00:20:00,682
Ever kill somebody?
590
00:20:00,715 --> 00:20:02,515
What is your problem?
591
00:20:02,548 --> 00:20:03,748
What's my problem?
592
00:20:03,782 --> 00:20:05,015
Punks like you.
593
00:20:05,048 --> 00:20:07,082
That's my problem,
594
00:20:07,115 --> 00:20:08,715
and you'd better not
screw up again, Seinfeld,
595
00:20:08,748 --> 00:20:10,048
because if you do,
596
00:20:10,082 --> 00:20:12,715
I'll be all over you
like a pit bull on a poodle.
597
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:18,282
That is one tough monkey.
598
00:20:18,315 --> 00:20:19,465
So, you were saying?
599
00:20:19,465 --> 00:20:19,915
So, you were saying?
600
00:20:19,948 --> 00:20:21,115
Oh.
601
00:20:21,148 --> 00:20:23,115
So I took
your suggestion,
602
00:20:23,148 --> 00:20:25,382
and I gave my boss
Marion's poems,
603
00:20:25,415 --> 00:20:26,582
the ones
604
00:20:26,615 --> 00:20:27,782
that affected Kramer
so much.
605
00:20:27,815 --> 00:20:29,782
Oh, beautiful.
Did he like them?
606
00:20:29,815 --> 00:20:31,148
No, he didn't.
607
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,948
No, he didn't.
608
00:20:37,148 --> 00:20:38,715
Was he out there?
609
00:20:38,748 --> 00:20:40,282
No, he's gone.
610
00:20:40,315 --> 00:20:43,182
Wonder what happened to him.
611
00:20:43,215 --> 00:20:46,548
I guess we'll never know.
612
00:20:53,282 --> 00:20:54,248
[MUMBLING]
Can't-stand-ya!
613
00:20:54,282 --> 00:20:55,915
Can't-stand-ya!
614
00:20:55,948 --> 00:20:57,848
Can't-stand-ya!
615
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,048
[GIGGLING MADLY]
616
00:20:59,082 --> 00:21:01,882
Can't-stand-ya!
617
00:21:04,615 --> 00:21:08,415
Any day that you had gym
was a weird school day.
618
00:21:08,448 --> 00:21:09,748
You know what I mean?
619
00:21:09,782 --> 00:21:11,782
Because it, like,
started off kind of normal.
620
00:21:11,815 --> 00:21:14,048
You'd have, like, English,
geometry, social studies,
621
00:21:14,082 --> 00:21:15,182
and then suddenly,
622
00:21:15,215 --> 00:21:16,582
you're like
in Lord of the Flies
623
00:21:16,615 --> 00:21:17,582
for 40 minutes, you know?
624
00:21:17,615 --> 00:21:19,282
You're hanging from a rope.
625
00:21:19,315 --> 00:21:19,465
You have hardly any clothes on.
626
00:21:19,465 --> 00:21:21,282
You have hardly any clothes on.
627
00:21:21,315 --> 00:21:23,715
Teachers are yelling at you,
"Where's your jockstrap?"
628
00:21:23,748 --> 00:21:26,782
You know, and kids
are throwing dodge balls at you.
629
00:21:26,815 --> 00:21:29,082
You're trying to survive.
630
00:21:29,115 --> 00:21:32,182
Then it's history, science,
631
00:21:32,215 --> 00:21:33,582
language.
632
00:21:33,615 --> 00:21:36,115
There's something off
in the whole flow of that day.
633
00:21:36,148 --> 00:21:38,115
[♪]
634
00:21:51,148 --> 00:21:53,048
[♪]
41958
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