Original subtitles

I'm not a foodie.

I don't... "Oh, this is too rare."

"Oh, it's too salty."

Just eat it and shut up.

I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having.

I have eaten rolls off of room-service trays

in hotel hallways.

I have. That's not a joke.

This is my life.

I don't know. Somebody left it.

Why would somebody poison a roll and leave it in the hallway

for some comic coming down at 2:00 in the morning?

for some comic coming down at 2:00 in the morning?

Why would they do that?

Sometimes, you go to a nice restaurant,

they put the check in a little book.

What is this, the story of the bill?

"Once upon a time,

there were some very hungry people..."

What is this?

A little gold tassel hanging down...

Am I graduating from the restaurant?

What is this about?

You want some of mine?

Take some of mine.

Why do I get pesto?

Why do I think I'll like it?

I keep trying to like it. It's like I have to like it.

Who says you have to like it?

Everybody likes pesto.

You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear.

Pesto. Pesto. Pesto.

I don't like pesto.

Where was pesto 10 years ago?

Where was pesto 10 years ago?

Look at that guy.

Mm-mm-mm-mm!

I'll bet you

he's getting hair transplants.

Anytime you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap,

ten to one-- plugs.

Well, the thing

about that painting is with the colors and, um...

Oh, yeah, plugola.

Oh, one more thing about the car--

let it warm up for a minute.

Yeah, that's a tough minute.

It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.

It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.

I don't understand why he couldn't take a cab.

GEORGE: Who?

Elaine is having a, uh... house guest?

She's picking him up at the airport tonight.

A guy?

Yes, it's a guy.

He's from, uh, Yakima, right?

Seattle.

Everybody's moving to Seattle.

It's the pesto of cities. So?

Oh, well, you tell.

Well, from what I can piece together,

our friend here met a gentleman--

our friend here met a gentleman--

Ed.

Who was in town on a business venture,

and, uh...

We, uh, shared an interpersonal experience.

[CRYSTAL DINGS]

So, they went out a few times,

but, apparently, when the fellow returned home,

he discovered that the Benes tattoo

does not wash off so easily.

On some people.

Ooh...

So, he's coming in to stay with her for a week.

It was just gonna be a weekend,

It was just gonna be a weekend,

but, then, somehow it became a week.

Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho!

Wait a second. All right, okay. I'll take that.

All right. All right, okay.

What happened?

Oh...

The, uh, busboy left the menu

a little close to the candle.

I'm sorry for the disturbance.

Mm. I'm never eating here again.

Yes.

Nice going.

Thank you.

That ought to get us a free dessert. Yeah.

I think the busboy's in trouble.

Did I get him in trouble because of what I said?

I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose.

He pointed at me.

Why did they point at me?

I said I would never eat here again,

but I-- he had to know I was kidding.

I didn't say anything.

[GASPS]

I can't believe it. He's going.

He's fired.

Oh, I said it in a kidding way.

I didn't know he'd get fired.

He'll probably kill his family over this.

What if he's waiting for me outside?

What if he's waiting for me outside?

He pointed at me. Did you see him point?

A lot of ex-cons become busboys.

They seem to gravitate toward it.

Was it my fault?

Was it my fault?

Maybe I'll try that pesto.

Look, I feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job.

I mean, let's face it.

It's not a profession where you embellish your resume

and undergo a series of grueling interviews.

Like you really know busboys.

Like you really know busboys.

Oh, like you do?

Hey, at least I was a camp waiter. Camp.

It was a fat camp!

Those kids depended on me.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Elaine?

Yeah.

Busboys are always changing jobs.

That's the business.

I know. I work with these guys.

I talk with them

in the kitchens at the comedy clubs.

Why don't you try to get him another job?

I'd love to,

but I don't know anything about him.

He could be one of those people

that walks around the street pricking people with pins.

that walks around the street pricking people with pins.

I don't know if you people are aware of this,

but I am one clever chickadee.

What, did you get the busboy's number?

His phone's been disconnected,

but I was able to obtain an address--

1324 Amsterdam Avenue, apartment 4-D.

Now, I did my job.

May I have the car keys, please?

How did you get all this?

Does the word charm mean anything to you?

No.

No.

So now you're going to his apartment?

I really think this is nuts.

I'd like to apologize,

I want to tell him

I didn't mean to get him in trouble.

So you're going now?

Yeah, I wanna see if there's anything I can do,

maybe get him another job.

Maybe I'll hear of something.

Maybe the fat camp.

You're not going?

I would, but I have to pick up Ed at the airport.

I just don't think you should go alone.

Can't you wait till after my set?

Can't you wait till after my set?

It'll take too long.

Hey. Hey.

Take the K-man, a little support.

I don't, uh...

What? What? Take me where?

Where?

Uh...

Um...

Look, I really appreciate your coming,

but, um... if you wouldn't mind...

try not to say too much.

What am I going to say?

I don't know.

Well, I'm not an idiot.

Certainly not.

Then we're cool.

Y-- Yeah.

Yeah, w-w-we're cool.

[KNOCKING LIGHTLY]

[POUNDING]

Uh, I'm sorry to bother you.

I was in the restaurant earlier,

and I, uh, was wondering if I could talk to you

for a few minutes about what happened.

Thanks.

Um...

I-- I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I-- I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

It's just that, um, I think I may have--

without realizing it--

[CHUCKLING WEAKLY] Um, been responsible

for getting you fired.

And-- and I just-- I wanted you to know

that I did not intend for that to happen.

He's a hell of a guy.

This is, uh... a guy I know.

Kramer--

Habla espanol?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Si.

¿Como se dice... waterbed?

Anyway, I-- I, um...

I just wanted to let you know

that I'm really sorry that happened,

and if I can help out in any way,

I'll certainly be glad to do that.

Well, I guess that's about it.

You got anything to drink?

Agua.

Agua.

Oy, oy... um.

You know, we really should be going.

I'm gonna get a glass of water.

Hurry up.

Paquita.

¿Paquita?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

His cat's gone.

La puerta esta abierta.

La puerta esta abierta!

Who left the door open?

Who left the door open?

Come on! Come on! Help me look!

Psst. Psst...

[SIGHS]

You know, the cats, they run away all the time.

You know, my aunt, she had a cat,

ran away, showed up three years later.

You never know.

They got things in their brains

where they can remember where they're from.

Unless, of course,

somebody else starts feeding her.

See, that's what you got to worry about.

See, that's what you got to worry about.

Ah.

Once again,

Antonio,

I can't even begin to say

how deeply, deeply sorry I am about everything.

The job... the cat...

[CRASH]

The lamp.

There's wire sticking out.

Yeah?

Here's my card.

Uh, I'm in real estate,

so if you're ever looking for something bigger,

something nicer...

Maybe not right away.

Anyway, heh...

You ought to get that wire fixed.

Uh, I got the door.

[THUNK]

George, stop worrying about this guy.

It wasn't your fault.

Come on. He's not stalking you.

Hey. Hey.

He doesn't even know where you live.

Who told you to give him your business card?

Who told you to give him your business card?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

That's Elaine.

Kramer...

George wants to know

when you want to go look for the cat again.

Well, it's been a week.

It's up to the cat now.

Kramer says it's up to the cat now.

It'll be on your conscience.

Oh? How do you figure?

How do you figure?

Because you're the one that left the door open.

Why was I in charge of closing the door?

Why was he in charge of closing the door?

Why was he in charge of closing the door?

Because you came in after him.

So?

So?

So the last person in should close the door.

Let me talk to him.

Call-- Call him from your house.

He's calling you now.

Okay.

Ed's downstairs. Can I have the car keys?

No hello?

You got any aspirin?

Hello.

Now, lookit,

you guarantee me this car's gonna get me

to the airport tomorrow, no problem?

to the airport tomorrow, no problem?

Guarantee? Hey, it's a car.

Because if there's even

the slightest chance of any problem at all,

I don't want to take it,

because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle,

and out of my life, I'm going to kill him

and anyone who tries to stop me.

So, did you have a nice week together?

I heard a little ping in the car the last time.

What was that ping?

There's no ping.

Why are you so wacky?

[SIGHING] Oh, Jerry.

[SIGHING] Oh, Jerry.

You cannot imagine how much I hate this guy,

and he hasn't even done anything.

It's the situation.

He's a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts.

Have you two been, uh....

No!

I told him

I've been having my period the last five days.

I'm sleeping all squished over

on the edge of my bed,

but I've only got 14 hours to go,

and nothing can go wrong now.

I think I've taken care of everything.

I've confirmed the plane reservation,

I've checked the weather.

I've checked the weather.

What's your airport route?

Mm. I've got it all mapped out.

I'm taking the tunnel.

What about the Van Wyck?

I spoke to a cab driver.

For 5 bucks, he turned me onto

the Rockaway Boulevard shortcut.

Ooh.

This plane leaves at 10:15.

We're getting up at about 8:00.

That gives us enough time, right?

Are you still using that same old alarm clock?

Oh, no, no, I bought a new one today.

It's got everything. It's got everything.

If you oversleep more than 10 minutes,

a hand comes out and slaps you in the face.

Flying doesn't make me nervous.

Driving to the airport, uh, can make you very nervous

Driving to the airport, uh, can make you very nervous

because, when you're flying, when you're getting on a plane,

If you miss that plane, there's no alternative.

On the ground, you have options.

You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains.

But when you're taking a flight,

if you miss it, that's it.

No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight.

"We do have a cannon leaving in about 10 minutes.

"Think you'd be interested in that?

"It's not a direct cannon.

"You have to change cannons after you land.

"I'm sorry, where are you going, Chicago?

"Oh, Dallas. All right. Wait a second.

"That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway.

"You should hit Texas. Are you ready?

"Make sure you get out of the net immediately,

because we shoot the luggage in right after you."

[GASPING] Get up!

The alarm didn't go off. It's 9:15!

The alarm didn't go off. It's 9:15!

You're gonna miss the plane. It's 9:15!

It's 9:15?

Yes. Yeah. It's 9:15.

Mm. We'll never make it.

I'll leave tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Are you crazy?

No. Now, now, let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. You get dressed. You get dressed.

Can I shower?

Shower? Are you out of your mind?

Well, I gotta shower.

I'll feel dirty all day.

Forget the shower. The shower's out.

Just move it. Put your clothes on.

Put your clothes on.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the kitchen.

The kitchen?

Got a bag of cashews in there.

No, they're not in the kitchen. They're not in the kitchen.

No, they're not in the kitchen. They're not in the kitchen.

Here, put your pants on.

What's the big deal?

Put your pants on!

I'll go tomorrow or the next day.

No, you've got your ticket. You have to go now.

We'll never make it.

Don't say that.

Well, it takes 45 minutes to g--

It takes 45 minutes to get there.

That'll only leave me five minutes

to get to the plane.

Shut up and pack!

And then what if I don't make the plane?

You'll have already left, then what do I do?

Oh, you're talking too much.

Where's my sweater?

What?

My brown sweater.

What? What sweater?

My brown sweater!

What? You didn't bring a brown sweater.

What? You didn't bring a brown sweater.

I had a brown sweater!

Here. Here! You want a sweater?

You want a brown sweater? You got a brown sweater.

That's not mine.

I can't take your sweater.

It's brown!

What are you doing?

No, there's no time for folding.

There's no time for folding. I think that's it.

My shoes, you packed my shoes!

Shoes? Shoes?

Shoes weren't invented until the 4th century.

People walked around

for thousands of years without them!

Let's go. Let's go!

Anywhere in the city?

Anywhere in the city,

I'll tell you the best public toilets.

Okay.

54th and 6th.

Sperry Rand Building, 14th floor, Morgan Apparel.

Mention my name, she'll give you the key.

All right. 65th and 10th.

Are you kidding?

Lincoln Center, Alice Tully Hall, the Met.

Magnificent facilities. Come on.

I never knew I could drive like that.

I was going faster than I've ever gone before.

Yet it all seemed to be happening in slow motion.

I was seeing three and four moves ahead,

weaving in and out of lanes

like an Olympic skier on a gold-medal run.

I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics.

At Queens Boulevard,

I took the shoulder.

I took the shoulder.

At Jewel Avenue, I used the median.

I had it. I was there.

And then...

I hit the Van Wyck.

They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck...

but, gentlemen, I tell you this:

I came as close as anyone ever has,

And if it hadn't been for that five-car pileup

And if it hadn't been for that five-car pileup

on Rockaway Boulevard,

that numbskull...

would be on a plane for Seattle right now...

instead of looking for a parking space

downstairs.

Oh.

There, there. There, there.

Hey, the busboy's coming.

The busboy's coming!

The busboy's coming?

You don't mean here?

Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up.

He's coming up?

He's coming up?

Check you out later.

Where are you going?

He's coming to settle the score.

No, you three all know each other.

There's no point in me getting involved

at this stage of the game--

He's not going to do anything. I guarantee it.

Oh, the hell with it! Let him kill me. I-- I--

Antonio!

Antonio, in here.

Hey, Antonio, how's it going?

Three nights ago...

A gas main beneath the restaurant exploded,

A gas main beneath the restaurant exploded,

killing five people in my section,

Including the busboy who replaced me.

I-- I-- I-- I--

If I'm not fired that night because of you

and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks,

it would have been me.

You saved my life!

Come on...

Come on...

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

It's Eddie.

He's coming up.

And the very same night of the accident,

while looking for Paquita,

I find a job in a restaurant

Where they pay me almost twice what I was making before.

And...

when I returned to the apartment,

Paquita, perhaps frightened from the explosion,

had miraculously returned.

Well...

Now I must go.

For today, I am starting my new and wonderful job,

For today, I am starting my new and wonderful job,

and I am-- I am very late.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you all.

ED: Hey, watch where you're going.

You almost knocked my head off.

ANTONIO: Hey, why don't you

watch where you're going, okay?

Because you bumped into me.

Who do you think you're talking to, pal?

Who do you think you're talking to, pal?

Hey, get your hands off me!

You go to hell!

[YELLING IN SPANISH]

[MEN CRASHING DOWN STAIRS]

[ANTONIO AND ED CURSING AND FALLING]

He'll get another job.

He's a busboy.

It won't be for a while.

At least not till after the cast comes off.

It was that fall down the stairs, that's what did it.

That's not how it happened.

It's when he fell on him with his knee.

It's when he fell on him with his knee.

Ugh. That was awful. Poor Antonio.

Oh. Thanks.

So... much longer?

Till when?

Till he goes back to Seattle,

or till he can feed himself?

I guess it's not important.

Take care of yourselves.

I should probably get going too.

If I don't feed Paquita by 7:00, she goes all over everything.

If I don't feed Paquita by 7:00, she goes all over everything.

Mm.

Take it easy.

Yeah.

How are you doing?

First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight.

People have fistfights in life.

And I can't really believe we have boxing, either.

It's really kind of an amazing thing.

To me, the problem with boxing

is you have two guys having a fight

that have no prior argument.

Why don't they have the boxers

Why don't they have the boxers

come into the ring in little cars,

drive around a little bit, have a little accident,

they get out--

"Did you see my signal? Look at that fender!"

Then you'd see a real fight.

[♪]