Original subtitles

You know, I tell you, I gotta say

that I'm enjoying adulthood for a lot of reasons,

and I'll tell you reason number one.

As an adult,

if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay?

I have three cookies or four cookies,

or 11 cookies if I want.

Many times, I will intentionally ruin

my entire appetite.

Just ruin it...

and then I call my mother up right after

to tell her that I did it.

to tell her that I did it.

Hello, Mom? Yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite.

Cookies.

So what if you ruin it?

See, because as an adult, we understand

even if you ruin an appetite,

there's another appetite coming right behind it.

There's no danger in running out of appetites.

I've got millions of them. I ruin them whenever I want.

[SCI-FI TELEVISION PROGRAM PLAYING]

Look, Sigmond, look at the sky!

The planet's on fire.

It is just as you prophesied--

The planets of our solar system incinerating

like flaming globes, Sigmond, like flaming globes!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Sigmond...

Sigmond...

[CHUCKLES]

[♪]

Thank you.

What do you got, a cucumber?

Yeah. So what?

Yeah. So what?

You're bringing in an outside cucumber?

They refuse to put cucumber in the salad. I need cucumber.

What have I done? I can't read this.

"Fullman... Hurtel...vom"?

I got up last night, I wrote this down

I thought I had this great bit.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

"Fax me some halibut."

Is that funny? Is that a joke?

Let me see that.

"Don't mess with Johnny."

"Don't mess with Johnny."

Johnny? Johnny who?

Johnny Carson?

Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show?

Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?

Let me see that.

Hey, where's Kramer?

I don't know.

That's like asking "Where's Waldo?"

I think I'm having a heart attack.

I don't think that's it.

I'm not kidding.

What does that mean?

I think what he's trying to say

is that he's having a heart attack.

is that he's having a heart attack.

Oh, he's having a heart attack.

Tightness.

Come on.

Shortness of breath.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Radiating waves of pain.

I know what this is.

You saw that show on PBS last night,

Coronary Country.

I saw it in the TV Guide.

I called him told him

make sure and not watch it.

There was nothing else on.

Have some water--

Oh, the left arm! Left arm.

He saw that show on anorexia last year,

ate like an animal for two weeks.

ate like an animal for two weeks.

Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed!

So what do you want?

You want me to take you to the hospital?

Manhattan Memorial. Less of a line.

I'll call an ambulance.

Is everything all right?

We'll just take a check.

You made a mistake on the--

George!

[SIRENS WAILING]

PATIENT: Aah...

PATIENT: Aah...

Are you okay?

Ooh!

I'm George.

George Costanza.

I never been in a hospital a day in my life...

except when I had my tonsils out.

You know, they never gave me any ice cream.

I always felt that if they--

Shut up!

Well, what do you think?

"Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely.

"Salami, salami, bologna." Definitely.

Salami, salami, bologna?

Oh, your friend's fine.

He didn't have a heart attack.

I'll be in in a few minutes.

What a surprise.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

You need anything?

You want me to go out and get you a Superman comic?

No. No, thanks.

You know, I was wondering.

You know, I was wondering.

You know that Blackhawks jacket you have?

Oh, sure, my Blackhawks jacket. I love my Blackhawks jacket.

Well, You know, I was thinking, if things don't exactly...

work out.

Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short.

No, I tried it on. It fits good.

I didn't think about what I was gonna do with all the... things.

Well, you know...

Well...

Well...

Well, okay.

Oh, and do you think it would be all right

if called Susan Davis?

Susan Davis? Hey, wait a second!

Well, it's not like we'll be bumping into you.

I don't know. You and Susan Davis?

You know, if...

your future was a little more certain...

Okay.

Go ahead, call her.

Get married. Have babies. Have a great life.

What do I care? I'm finished.

What do I care? I'm finished.

It's all over for me.

In fact...

let's end it right now.

Jerry... kill me.

Kill me now. I'm begging you.

Let's- let's just get it over with. Be a pal.

Just take the pillow and put it over my face.

Well, uh...

What, kind of like this?

What- What are you--

Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry! Jerry!

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Jerry!

[COUGHING]

Elaine, what are you doing here?

Jerk off.

There's nothing wrong with him.

I saw the doctor. He's fine.

Hi, George.

How you feeling?

How you feeling?

Is anybody getting your apartment?

I tell you, if I ever get out of here,

I'm gonna change my life.

I'm going to do a whole Zen thing.

Take up yoga.

Meditate.

I'll eat right.

Calm down.

Lose my anger.

Hey! Is anybody listening!

Hello.

Mr. Costanza...

Uh, yeah, you know, doc,

I gotta tell you, I feel a lot better.

Well, we looked at your EKGs, ran some tests,

did a complete workup.

Oh, God. Mommy!

Well, you simply haven't had a heart attack.

I haven't?

I'm okay?

I'm okay?

I'm okay? Oh, thank you!

Thank you!

Doctor, I don't know how to thank you.

Hey, that was really fun, George.

Can we go home now?

No, actually, we'd like to keep him here overnight

for observation just to be safe.

Oh, sure, sure. Anything.

Can you believe it? There's nothing wrong with me.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

What? Oh, my God. What?

Is it meningitis? Scoliosis?

Lupus! Is it Lupus?

Have you ever had your tonsils taken out?

Have you ever had your tonsils taken out?

My tonsils?

Yeah, when I was a kid.

Well, they've grown back.

Your adenoids are swollen too.

Really?

Oh, whose tonsils grow back?

Oh, it happens.

Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.

I still have my tonsils.

Everyone in my family has their tonsils.

In fact, we were forbidden to socialize

with anybody who didn't have their tonsils.

That's interesting.

Because no one in my family has their tonsils.

Because no one in my family has their tonsils.

and we were forbidden to socialize

with tonsil people.

[LAUGHS]

Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

Excuse me.

Anyway, I strongly recommend they come out.

What, you mean with a knife?

Yes, with a knife.

You know, snip, snip.

[CHUCKLES]

Anyway, you'd be completely under,

you wouldn't feel a thing,

and when you wake up, you can have some ice cream.

and when you wake up, you can have some ice cream.

Yeah, that's what they told me the last time.

Think about it.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I just have to ask that doctor one more... question.

Women go after doctors like men go after models.

They want someone with knowledge of the body.

We just want the body.

Hey. Hey.

Boy! They got a great cafeteria downstairs.

Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.

It's like Sizzler opened up a hospital.

So how did you have a heart attack?

I mean, you're a young man.

What were you doing?

What were you doing?

They gonna do a zipper job?

Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.

Kramer...

The really bad thing about the heart

is the sex thing.

See, you got to be careful about sex now.

You get that heart pumping--

[PANTS]

Suddenly, boom!

Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest

attached to a piece of luggage.

Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack.

No? That's good.

I have to have my tonsils taken out.

Oh, man, no!

Oh, man, no!

George, we gotta get you out of here.

Get out right now. They'll kill you in here.

It's routine surgery.

Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno,

he came in here for a hernia operation.

Oh, yeah, routine surgery.

Now he's sitting around

in a chair by the window going...

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "My name is Bob!"

George, whatever you do, don't let them cut you.

Don't let them cut you.

Well, what should I do, Kramer?

Well, for one thing, don't listen to him.

Well, for one thing, don't listen to him.

I'll tell you what you do.

I'll tell you what you do. You go to Tor Eckman.

Tor! Tor, he'll fix you right up.

He's a- he's an herbalist, a healer, George.

He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids.

He is gonna change the whole way you function.

Body and mind.

Eckman? I thought he was doing time.

No, no, he's out. He got out.

See, the medical establishment...

see, they tried to frame him.

It's all politics, but he's a rebel.

It's all politics, but he's a rebel.

A rebel?

Mm-hmm.

No, Johnny Yuma was a rebel.

Eckman is a nut.

George, you want to take care of your tonsils,

you do it in a hospital with a doctor.

He's holistic.

George, he's holistic.

Holistic?

Yeah.

That sounds right.

George, you need a medical doctor.

Let me ask you something.

How much do you think it would cost

to have tonsils and adenoids removed

in a hospital?

Well, an overnight stay in a hospital,

Well, an overnight stay in a hospital,

minor surgery...

I don't know. Four grand.

Uh-huh.

How much does the healer charge?

First visit? 38 bucks.

Oh yeah. Holistic.

That's what I need. That's the answer.

So how do you like the way

I talked you into coming down here?

Don't flatter yourself, my friend.

I'm here strictly for material,

and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.

I still think you're nuts, though.

All I know is I've been going to doctors all my life.

What's it gotten me?

I'm 33 years old,

I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty,

I'm already facing the problems of old age.

I completely skipped healthy adulthood.

I went from having orgasms immediately,

to taking forever.

You can do your taxes

You can do your taxes

in the time it takes me to have an orgasm.

I've never had a normal... medium orgasm.

I never had a really good pickle.

Besides, what's it gonna cost me, 38 bucks?

Would you not put your foot on that, please?

Would you not put your foot on that, please?

Sorry.

[CHIMES CYMBALS]

What month were you born?

April.

You should have been born in August.

Your parents would have been well advised to wait.

Really?

Do you use hot water in the shower?

Yes.

Stop using it.

Stop using it.

Okay.

I'm off hot water.

Kramer tells me

that you are interested in an alternative to surgery.

Yes. Yes, I am.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

I think we can help you.

See, unfortunately, the medical establishment

is a business like any other business,

and business needs customers,

and they want to sell you their most expensive item,

and they want to sell you their most expensive item,

which is unnecessary surgery.

Can I use hot water on my face?

No. You know, I am not a businessman.

I am a holistic healer.

It's a calling, it's a gift.

You see, it's in the best interest

of the medical profession that you remain sick.

See that insures good business.

You're not a patient, you're a customer.

And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.

And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.

What about shaving?

You're eating too much dairy.

May I?

I guess so.

[EXHALES]

Uhn... Uhn...

Uhn?

Ah, you see?

You are in disharmony.

The throat is the gateway to the lung.

The throat is the gateway to the lung.

Tonsillitis, adenoiditis is,

in Chinese medical terms, an invasion of heat and wind.

There's some hot air blowing in here.

You know, I lived with the Eskimos

many years ago,

and they used to plunge their faces into the snow.

Can it be lukewarm?

Too much dairy?

You really think I'm eating too much dairy?

The tongue...

Yes, the tongue,

or in medical terms, the glossa.

It's a muscular organ.

It consists of two parts, the body-- Uh-huh.

and the root. Uh-huh.

You see, it's covered by this mucous membrane--

Uh-huh. and these raised little projections here--

Uh-huh. are the papillae.

Ah...

It's what gives it its furred appearance.

Ah... Very tactile.

Uh-huh.

[CHUCKLING]

Your tea is ready now.

Your tea is ready now.

This will solve your so-called tonsil problem.

It's a special concoction. It contains cramp bark--

I love cramp bark.

Plus cleavers.

Cleaver? I once had cleaver as a kid.

I was able to lift a car!

And some couch grass.

Couch grass and cramp bark?

You know, I think that's what killed Curly.

Go ahead, drink it, George.

Excuse me, Tor.

May I ask you a question?

May I ask you a question?

You have intuitive abilities.

You're in touch

with a lot of cosmic kind of things.

I have this note I can't read.

I was wondering if...

[LAUGHS]

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Mm-hmm.

"Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109."

Go ahead, George, drink it.

[SLURPS]

Hey, that's not too bad.

I'm an eggplant!

I'm an eggplant! I'm a minstrel man!

I didn't take your Chuckles, man!

I had five Chuckles.

I ate the green one and the yellow one,

and the red one is missing!

I don't even like Chuckles!

Maybe he doesn't like them. That's possible.

My face! My face! Get me to the hospital!

I want that Chuckle back, you hear me?

You want me to get you a Chuckle?

Pull over!

Pull over!

Pull over? Did you say pull over?

You want a piece of me?

You're gonna fight?

No! I'm a mutant!

Hey! Let me drive!

Come on, man, pull over!

All right, I'm gonna mess you up, man!

Really, gentlemen, please.

Oh, my heart! My heart!

Where are you going? Are you crazy?

I'm going to kick his ass!

Hey, you have keys?

Hey, you can't leave! This is an ambulance!

This is an emergency!

[PARAMEDICS SHOUTING]

If you hear about one more Chuckle,

I'm gonna kill you!

All this over a Chuckle.

All this over a Chuckle.

What's a Chuckle?

It's a jelly candy. It comes in five flavors.

You see, taste buds run on grooves

along surfaces.

Can you let go of my tongue now?

What?

Let go of my tongue.

Oh, sorry.

Well, I should, uh, get going.

Mm-hm.

What are you doing?

Well, I was going to kiss you good night.

A kiss? With the tongue?

The glossa with the bumps and the papillae?

The glossa with the bumps and the papillae?

Hmm... I don't think so.

[SIRENS WAILING]

JERRY: You can't just leave him out there!

I told him I was gonna mess him up!

Well, can you call him an ambulance?

I told him I didn't take his Chuckle!

I don't eat that gooey crap!

Hey, watch the road.

Watch the road, man!

Hey, man, you want some of what he got?

JERRY AND KRAMER: Watch out!

[TIRES SCREECHING, CARS CRASHING]

How you doing?

Can't talk?

Hey, how did you get the plastic one?

I like that.

So how's life without tonsils?

What? What's that?

So how much is this thing gonna cost you now,

like, five, 6000?

Well, live and learn.

At least we lived.

Kramer went to Eckman. He feels all better already.

What? What are you doing?

Oh, poor George. Aw...

I'm sorry. I can't stay long.

I don't want to run into Dr. Tongue.

Here, I brought you something.

Here, I brought you something.

See?

Oh, please, come on. It's nothing--

JERRY: Hey, check out the TV.

The planet's on fire!

It is just as you prophesied.

The planets of our solar system incinerating

like flaming globes, Sigmond, like flaming globes!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

That's it! That's it!

Flaming globes of Sigmond!

That's my note!

That's what I thought was so funny!

That's what I thought was so funny!

It's not funny.

There's nothing funny about that.

PATIENT: Shut up!

Ow!

I have a friend who's a hypochondriac.

He always thinks he's sick, never is.

Then you have another type of person,

always thinks they're well

no matter how bad they really are.

You know this type of person? Very annoying.

"Feel great!

"Like being on a respirator.

"Intravenous, heart/lung machine,

I never felt better in my life."

I never felt better in my life."

Medical science is making advances every day

to control health problems.

In fact, it's probably only a matter of time

before a heart attack, you know, becomes like a headache.

We'll just see people on TV going,

"I had a heart attack this big,

"but I gave myself one of these--

"Clear! Boom--

and it's gone!"

[♪]

[♪]