Original subtitles

Whenever I see the news,

and they're hauling in some criminal terrorist

psycho maniac mass murderer guy,

you notice he's always covering up his face

with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat?

What is he worried about?

I mean, what is this man's reputation

that he has to worry about this kind of exposure

damaging his good name?

I mean, what is he,

up for a big job promotion down at the office or something?

Afraid the boss will catch this on TV

and go, "Isn't that Johnson from Sales?

and go, "Isn't that Johnson from Sales?

"He's up in that clock tower

"picking people off one by one.

"I don't know if that's the kind of man

"we want heading up that new branch office.

"he should be in Bill Collection.

I think he's got aptitude."

[CHUCKLES]

She was great.

You don't want to know.

Hey, remind me to tell you what we did in Lake George, huh?

Get this.

I got it all on video.

That's it. This is it.

I'm done. Through. It's over.

I'm gone. Finished. Over.

I will never work for you again.

Look at you.

You think you're an important man?

You think you're an important man?

Is that what you think?

You are a laughingstock.

You are a joke.

These people are laughing at you.

You're nothing.

You have no brains, no ability, nothing.

I quit!

Hey. Hey.

Boy, I have really had it with Newman.

He wakes me up again last night

at 3:00 in the morning

to tell me he's going up onto the roof

to kill himself.

Well, what did you say?

Well, what did you say?

I said, "Jump."

He's been threatening to do this for years.

I said, "If you're going to kill yourself,

"do it already

and stop bothering me."

At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something.

What's his problem?

No job, no women.

He called the right guy.

I mean, what am I supposed to tell him?

How much there is for him to live for?

Why should I lie to him?

All right, I'm leaving. I'm going to the laundry.

All right, I'm leaving. I'm going to the laundry.

Why don't you use the machines down in the basement?

Fluff and fold, the only way to live.

I drop it off, I pick it up.

It's a delight.

How about if I put a few things--

Wait a second. I don't want to do that--

No, you're going over there--

No, I don't want to mix in everything.

My guys don't know your guys.

You can't just lock them all in the same machine together.

They'll start a riot.

Have you ever met my guys?

No, I can't say as I have.

No, I can't say as I have.

Well...

All right, put them on top.

On top.

Oh, beautiful.

This stuff on top is my friend's.

could I get it done in a separate machine?

I'll have to charge you for another machine.

Whatever it costs.

In fact, I would prefer it

if the machines are not even touching each other,

because something could, you know, jump across.

Guess what?

How did you know I was here?

Kramer. Guess what?

Kramer. Guess what?

I don't know.

I quit my job.

Get out of here.

I couldn't take it anymore.

You can have this on Monday.

What happened? Levitan?

I go in to use his private bathroom,

everybody uses it,

and then I get a memo-- a memo--

telling me to use the men's room in the hall.

I mean, we share it with Pace Electronics.

It's disgusting.

You and your toilets.

I snapped. It was the last straw.

So what are you going to do now?

Are you going to look

for something else in real estate?

for something else in real estate?

Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.

So what are you going to do?

I like sports. I could do something in sports.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

In what capacity?

You know,

like the general manager of a baseball team.

Yeah, well, that can be tough to get.

Yeah, well, that can be tough to get.

Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager.

Maybe I could be, like, an announcer,

like a color man.

You know, how I always make those interesting comments

during the game?

Yeah, yeah, you make good comments.

So what about that?

Well, you know,

they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers

and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.

Well, that's really not fair.

Well, that's really not fair.

I know.

Well, okay, okay.

What else do you like?

Movies. I like to watch movies.

Yeah, yeah.

Do they pay people to watch movies?

Projectionists.

That's true.

But you got to know how to work the projector.

Right.

And it's probably a union thing.

Those unions.

Those unions.

Okay, sports...

movies...

What about a talk show host?

Talk show host, that's good.

I think I'd be good at that.

I talk to people all the time.

Someone told me they thought I'd be a good talk show host.

Really? Yeah, a couple of people.

How do you get that, though? Where do you start?

Well, that's where it gets tricky.

Well, that's where it gets tricky.

You can't just walk into a building and say,

"I want to be a talk show host."

I wouldn't think so.

It's all politics.

All right, okay,

sports, movies, talk show hosts.

What else?

This could have been a huge mistake.

Yeah, well, it doesn't sound

like you completely thought this through.

Guess not.

What should I do?

What should I do?

Maybe you can just go back.

Go back?

Yeah.

Yeah. Pretend like it never happened.

You mean just walk into the staff meeting

on Monday morning

like it never happened?

Sure. You're an emotional person.

People don't take you seriously.

Just go back.

Pretend the whole thing never happened.

Never happened.

I was blowing off a little steam. So what?

So what? You're entitled.

I'm emotional.

That's right, you're emotional.

That's right, you're emotional.

Never happened.

Never happened.

To me, the most annoying thing

about the couple of times I did work in an office

is that when you go in in the morning,

you say hi to everyone,

and then for some reason, throughout the day,

you have to continue to greet these people

all day, every time you see them.

You walk in, "Morning, Bill. Morning, Bob.

How you doing? Fine."

10 minutes later, you see them in the hall.

"How you doing?"

Every time you pass,

Every time you pass,

you got to come up with another little greeting.

You know, you start racking your brains.

You know, you do the little eyebrow.

You know, "Hey."

Start coming up with nicknames for them.

"Jimbo."

How you doing?

What are you doing here?

What? I work here.

I thought you quit.

What quit?

What quit?

Who quit?

Bill, how was your weekend?

Oh, excellent weekend. What about your weekend?

Fine weekend.

Yeah, good weekend.

Went up to the Cape. Took the kids sailing.

Lisa was a little scared at first,

but that kids gonna be a good sailor some day.

Oh, she'll be a fine sailor.

Ava, what happened to you Friday afternoon?

Oh, I got tied up.

I'll bet you did.

I'll bet you did.

[GUFFAWS]

I want to remind everyone

that the 10th anniversary party

for Rick Barr Properties

is gonna be Wednesday afternoon at 4:00

in Lasky's Bar on Madison and 48th.

I want all of you to be there.

This really means a lot to me.

Is that Costanza over there?

What are you doing here?

What?

Am I crazy or didn't you quit?

When?

When?

Friday.

Oh, what? What? That?

Are you kidding? I didn't quit.

Why? You took that seriously?

Oh, boy.

You mean "laughingstock," all that stuff...?

Come on, will you stop it?

"No brains, no ability."

Teasing.

Okay, I want you out of here.

I don't know where you're getting this from.

I...

You're serious, aren't you?

Oh, you see,

you just... you don't know my sense of humor.

I mean, Dan,

don't I joke around all the time?

don't I joke around all the time?

I wouldn't say all the time.

You can't win.

You can't beat me.

That's why I'm here, and you're there.

Because I'm a winner.

I'll always be a winner,

and you'll always be a loser.

"I'll always be a winner, and you'll always be a loser."

This is what he said to me.

This is what he said to me.

Well, so that's that.

No, that's not that.

That's not that?

No.

Well, if that's not that, what is that?

I got some plans. I got plans.

What kind of plans?

What's the difference?

You don't want to tell me?

I'm going to slip him a mickey.

What, in his drink?

Are you out of your mind?

What are you, Peter Lorre?

What are you, Peter Lorre?

You don't understand.

He's got this big party coming up.

He's been looking forward to this for months.

This is going to destroy the whole thing.

What if you destroy him?

No, no, no, no, no. Don't worry.

It's perfectly safe.

I researched it.

He'll get a little woozy.

He might keel over.

Well, what does that do?

Big deal.

This is what they would do in the movies.

It's the beautiful thing.

It's like a movie.

I'm going to slip him a mickey.

You've really gone mental.

Where are you going to get this mickey?

Where are you going to get this mickey?

I can't believe I'm saying "mickey."

I got a source.

You got a mickey source?

And Elaine is going to keep him busy.

Elaine?

How did you rope her into this?

I told her what a sexist he is, how he cheats on his wife.

She knew that.

But she didn't know he doesn't recycle.

What is the point

of all this?

Revenge.

Oh, the best revenge is living well.

Oh, the best revenge is living well.

There's no chance of that.

[WHISTLING]

Did you get your laundry?

Yeah.

What's with you?

He jumped.

What?

Yeah, Newman jumped.

Did he call last night?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did you say?

I said, "Wave to me when you pass my window."

I said, "Wave to me when you pass my window."

Whew.

Did he wave?

No. He jumped from the second floor.

Mr. Papanickolas saw him

from across the street.

He's lying out there faking.

See, he's trying to get back at me.

Oh, my God. What?

What's the matter?

Oh, on Thursday when I came home,

I had $1,500 on me.

For some reason,

I decided to I hide it in my laundry bag,

I decided to I hide it in my laundry bag,

and then I completely forgot about it,

and then I took the laundry in

on Friday.

Oh, come on, let's go.

Where? Where?

To the Laundromat.

I never saw it.

Okay, come on, give the guy his money.

What are you doing?

Hey.

You see that sign up there?

Oh, I see, so you put up a sign

so you can do whatever you want.

You are not a part of society.

Yeah, that's right,

because this place is my country,

because this place is my country,

and I'm the president,

and that's my constitution.

I'm not responsible.

So anybody leaves anything here,

you could just take it.

You have a license to steal.

You are like the James Bond

of laundry.

You ever hear of a bank?

Come on, let's go.

No, no, you can't let him get away with this.

[JAZZ PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]

ELAINE: Which one is he?

That's him over there.

The one that looks like a blowfish.

The one that looks like a blowfish.

Oh, yeah, I see him.

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for doing this.

Why pass up the opportunity

to go to prison?

This is by far

the most exciting thing I've ever done.

Yeah, it is kind of cool.

It's the first time in my life

I've ever gotten back at someone.

I can't believe we're doing this.

This is the kind of thing they do in the movies.

That's exactly what I told Jerry.

Really?

Yes.

God, I've never felt so alive.

God, I've never felt so alive.

Maybe we should call this off.

Come on. What's the big deal?

We're just going to put a little concrete

in the washing machine.

And what's going to happen?

Well, it'll mix up with the water,

and then by the end of the cycle,

it'll be a solid block.

If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile.

If only you could put your mind to something worthwhile.

You're like Lex Luthor.

You keep him busy.

Oh!

You go over there...

Yeah.

You start flirting with him,

You start flirting with him,

and I'll come by,

and while you're keeping him busy,

I'll slip it in his drink.

Wouldn't it be easier

just to punch him in the mouth?

Come on.

They're terrible.

They got no infield.

Oops! Excuse me.

Yeah.

I'm gonna get some food.

You want some?

Nah.

Hi.

Hi.

[MOCK-SNEEZES]

God bless you.

Oh...

thank you.

Thank you very much.

[HONKS LOUDLY]

Really, I mean that.

I am not one of those people

who gives insincere thank yous.

No, sir. No, sir.

When I thank somebody, I really thank them.

So, thank...

you!

you!

You're welcome.

People don't say "God bless you"

as much as they used to.

Have you noticed that?

No.

So, I'm going to a nudist colony

next week.

Nudist colony?

Really?

Really?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I love nudist colonies.

They help me unwind. Blah.

I've never been to a nudist colony.

Oh, really?

Oh, you should go.

They're great. They're great.

Of course, when it's over,

it's hard to get used to all this clothing,

so a lot of times

I'll just lock the door to my office

and I'll just sit there naked.

Seriously?

Oh, yeah.

I usually work naked a couple of hours a day.

I usually work naked a couple of hours a day.

[WHISPERING] Glenda,

can I ask you a favor?

Could I have this seat?

[LOUDLY] What do you have to sit here for?

There are plenty of other seats.

I can't explain.

It's very important that I sit here.

What are you doing here anyway?

I thought you were fired.

Okay, okay.

Fine.

I cook naked.

I clean...

I clean naked.

I drive naked.

I drive naked.

Naked, naked, naked.

Who are you?

Oh, you don't want to know, mister.

I'm trouble.

Big trouble.

What about the gentle cycle?

You ever use that?

Do you think it's effeminate

for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle?

What about fine fabrics?

How do you deal

with that kind of temperament?

What about stone-washing?

You ever witness one of those?

That must be something.

What, do they just

pummel the jeans with rocks?

pummel the jeans with rocks?

I didn't realize it was a full box.

I'm going to count to three.

If you don't give up the chair,

the wig is coming off.

I don't wear a wig.

One...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

I don't really have a phone.

I don't really have a phone.

In fact, I don't really have an apartment.

I kind of sleep around.

I just like to have a few drinks

and then just let the guy do

whatever he wants.

Uh, would you close your eyes a second?

I want to tell you a secret about my bra.

[LAUGHING]

Hello, Rick.

Hello, Rick.

Hey, look who's here.

That's right, Ricky-boy.

It's me.

You know something, Costanza?

I'm a very lucky man.

I've always been lucky.

Things just to seem to fall right in my lap.

Boom!

You wouldn't believe it if I told you.

Oh... In fact, uh...

I'm glad you're here, you know?

Maybe I've been a little rough on you.

Oh...

Why should we let petty personal differences

get in the way of business?

I, uh...

I want you to come back,

I want you to come back,

and, uh...

you can use my bathroom any time you want.

You want me to come back?

Yeah.

Hey, how about a toast, huh?

Everybody, a toast!

Rick, um...

Everyone, I want to propose a toast

to 10 great years at Rick Barr Properties...

Uh, Rick...

and all the people in this room

that made that possible.

Rick...

I'd also like to welcome back

into the fold, our...

our little, shrimpy friend,

George Costanza,

who,

although he really didn't have a very good year--

although he really didn't have a very good year--

how you blew that McConnel deal, I'll never know,

but what the hell, huh?

we've always enjoyed

his antics around the office.

Anything you want to add to this?

Drink up!

I like history. The Civil War.

Maybe I could be a professor or something.

Maybe I could be a professor or something.

Well, to teach something,

you really have to know a lot about it.

I think you need a degree.

Yeah, that's true.

Hey, don't...

What?

Oh, my God, the money!

The $1,500!

Where'd you find it?

It was in my laundry.

In your laundry? The whole time?

In your laundry? The whole time?

I told you not to mix in our guys.

What did we figure

the damage on that machine

would be?

It was about 1,200 bucks.

Kramer!

That's Newman.

I'm on the roof!

Well? What are you waiting for?

Elaine, come on,

take a walk with me down to the Laundromat.

take a walk with me down to the Laundromat.

I got to pay this guy the money.

I like horses.

Maybe I could be a stable boy.

KRAMER: You want to shoot some pool

tonight?

I can't. I'm going to a movie!

Nah, it's probably a union thing.

People like the idea of revenge.

Have you ever heard the expression,

"The best revenge is living well"?

I've said this.

In other words,

it means, supposedly,

the best way to get back at someone

is just by being happy and successful

in your own life.

Sounds nice.

Doesn't really work

on that Charles Bronson kind of life.

You know what I mean?

Those movies where his whole family

just gets wiped out by some street scum.

You know, maybe you could go up to him,

"Charlie, forget the .357.

"What you need is a custom-made suit

"What you need is a custom-made suit

"and a convertible.

"New carpeting, French doors, a divan.

That'll show those punks."