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1
00:00:01,766 --> 00:00:03,033
I have to tell you
2
00:00:03,066 --> 00:00:05,200
that I did get some
very exciting news recently.
3
00:00:05,233 --> 00:00:06,633
And I don't know if I should
4
00:00:06,666 --> 00:00:08,200
really tell you
exactly what it is,
5
00:00:08,233 --> 00:00:10,866
because it's really not
a definite thing yet.
6
00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:12,066
MAN: Come on!
WOMAN: Come on!
7
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:13,466
[CHEERS, CLAPS]
8
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:16,166
Well, I will tell you
what I do know so far.
9
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,200
According to the information
that I have
10
00:00:18,233 --> 00:00:20,500
in the envelope that I received,
11
00:00:20,533 --> 00:00:22,833
it seems...
12
00:00:22,866 --> 00:00:25,233
that I may have already won
some very valuable prizes.
13
00:00:25,266 --> 00:00:26,800
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
14
00:00:26,833 --> 00:00:28,333
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
15
00:00:28,366 --> 00:00:29,533
Well...
16
00:00:29,566 --> 00:00:30,000
Thank you.
That's very nice to hear that.
17
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,133
Thank you.
That's very nice to hear that.
18
00:00:31,166 --> 00:00:34,033
But in all honesty...
19
00:00:34,066 --> 00:00:35,200
I have to say,
20
00:00:35,233 --> 00:00:37,033
I didn't even know
I was in this thing.
21
00:00:37,066 --> 00:00:38,233
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
22
00:00:38,266 --> 00:00:40,533
But according to the readout,
23
00:00:40,566 --> 00:00:42,000
it looks like I am among
24
00:00:42,033 --> 00:00:44,533
the top people
that they are considering.
25
00:00:44,566 --> 00:00:46,333
You know, that's what annoys me
about sweepstakes companies.
26
00:00:46,366 --> 00:00:48,666
They tease you with that,
"You may have already won."
27
00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:50,866
I'd like once for a sweepstakes
company to have some guts.
28
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:53,300
Come out with the truth. Just
tell people the truth one time.
29
00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:56,033
Send out envelopes,
"You have definitely lost."
30
00:00:56,066 --> 00:00:58,200
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
31
00:00:58,233 --> 00:00:59,566
You turn it over,
giant printing,
32
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:00,000
"Not even close."
33
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,000
"Not even close."
34
00:01:02,033 --> 00:01:04,166
You open it up, there's this
whole letter of explanation:
35
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:05,366
"Even we cannot believe
36
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,033
how badly you've done
in this contest."
37
00:01:07,066 --> 00:01:08,033
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
38
00:01:18,766 --> 00:01:20,733
To the right.
39
00:01:22,933 --> 00:01:25,400
Boy, that took a while.
Don't get up.
40
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,833
I'd like to help,
but...my neck.
41
00:01:29,266 --> 00:01:31,366
So...how long has it been
in the basement?
42
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,700
Since my grandfather
died.
43
00:01:32,733 --> 00:01:33,900
I was supposed
to send it
44
00:01:33,933 --> 00:01:35,133
down to my parents
in Florida,
45
00:01:35,166 --> 00:01:36,166
but they didn't
want it.
46
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:38,200
They said get rid of it,
but I felt funny.
47
00:01:38,233 --> 00:01:39,486
And then I sort of
forgot about it.
48
00:01:39,486 --> 00:01:39,833
And then I sort of
forgot about it.
49
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:41,033
And it's been sitting
down there
50
00:01:41,066 --> 00:01:42,400
for three years
until he saw it.
51
00:01:42,433 --> 00:01:43,733
[DRUMMING]
Hm.
52
00:01:43,766 --> 00:01:45,466
All right, so just
take what you want,
53
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:46,900
and let's get it
out of here.
54
00:01:48,033 --> 00:01:49,666
What's in it?
55
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:51,700
Grandpa clothes.
I can't wear them.
56
00:01:51,733 --> 00:01:53,033
Uh, you...
57
00:01:53,066 --> 00:01:54,200
You want these?
58
00:01:54,233 --> 00:01:56,066
Knee socks. You don't wear
knee socks.
59
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,266
No. Go ahead.
60
00:01:59,333 --> 00:02:00,800
[CACKLES]
Look at this place.
61
00:02:00,833 --> 00:02:02,866
I can't wait
to get it cleaned.
62
00:02:02,900 --> 00:02:04,300
Hey, I'll know somebody
who'll do it.
63
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:06,033
She's good, she's honest.
64
00:02:06,066 --> 00:02:09,486
No, Elaine's got this writer
friend from Finland. Rava.
65
00:02:09,486 --> 00:02:10,466
No, Elaine's got this writer
friend from Finland. Rava.
66
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:13,166
Her boyfriend goes
to Columbia grad school.
67
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,866
And he's supposed to do it.
68
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,066
Well, students can't clean.
69
00:02:17,100 --> 00:02:18,066
It's anathema.
70
00:02:19,866 --> 00:02:21,333
They don't like it.
71
00:02:21,366 --> 00:02:22,866
How long you been waiting
72
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:24,700
to squeeze that
into a conversation?
73
00:02:27,733 --> 00:02:29,266
Now, this, I like.
74
00:02:32,666 --> 00:02:33,733
Huh?
75
00:02:33,766 --> 00:02:35,066
Wait a second.
76
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,466
I can't believe this.
77
00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:39,486
Let me see this.
Wait, wait, wait.
78
00:02:39,486 --> 00:02:39,866
Let me see this.
Wait, wait, wait.
79
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:42,600
Let me just see it for a second!
No. Come on, come on.
80
00:02:44,366 --> 00:02:45,733
Oh, my God.
It's exactly the same.
81
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,533
JERRY: What?
[LAUGHS]
82
00:02:47,566 --> 00:02:48,800
When I was 10 years old,
83
00:02:48,833 --> 00:02:50,400
my parents had
this very same statue
84
00:02:50,433 --> 00:02:51,800
on the mantel
of our apartment.
85
00:02:51,833 --> 00:02:53,033
Exactly.
86
00:02:53,066 --> 00:02:54,033
And...
87
00:02:54,066 --> 00:02:55,200
one day I grabbed it,
88
00:02:55,233 --> 00:02:56,633
I was using it
as a microphone.
89
00:02:56,666 --> 00:02:59,033
I was singing
"MacArthur Park." And...
90
00:02:59,066 --> 00:03:00,233
I got to the part about,
91
00:03:00,266 --> 00:03:02,000
"I'll never have
the recipe again"
92
00:03:02,033 --> 00:03:04,200
and it slipped out my hand,
and it broke.
93
00:03:04,233 --> 00:03:07,833
My parents looked at me like
I smashed the Ten Commandments.
94
00:03:07,866 --> 00:03:09,486
To this day,
they bring it up.
95
00:03:09,486 --> 00:03:09,900
To this day,
they bring it up.
96
00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:12,900
It was the single most damaging
experience of my life.
97
00:03:12,933 --> 00:03:15,500
Aside from seeing
my father naked.
98
00:03:16,666 --> 00:03:18,633
No, give it back.
Come on, I saw it first.
99
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:20,133
Kramer, I have to have
the statue.
100
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:21,333
I got dibs.
What? No dibs.
101
00:03:21,366 --> 00:03:22,833
I need the statue.
Give it!
102
00:03:22,866 --> 00:03:24,833
Spread out.
Spread out!
103
00:03:24,866 --> 00:03:28,466
You numbskulls.
Geez.
104
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,866
Why don't you just settle it
like mature adults?
105
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,833
Potato man.
No, no, no.
106
00:03:33,866 --> 00:03:35,566
No potato man.
107
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:37,733
Inka-dink.
108
00:03:42,033 --> 00:03:43,200
Okay.
109
00:03:43,233 --> 00:03:44,666
Uh, yeah, yeah.
Start with me.
110
00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:47,066
Yeah. Good, good.
111
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:48,466
Inka dink-a
Bottle of ink-a
112
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:51,533
Cork fell out
And you stink...
113
00:03:51,566 --> 00:03:53,200
Not because you're dirty
Not because you're clean
114
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,400
Just because you kissed a girl
Behind the magazine...
115
00:03:56,433 --> 00:03:58,200
[LAUGHS]
No, no.
116
00:03:58,233 --> 00:03:59,333
And...
Wait a minute.
117
00:03:59,366 --> 00:04:00,333
You...
No, no.
118
00:04:00,366 --> 00:04:01,333
Are...
No.
119
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:02,700
It.
What? What are you doing?
120
00:04:02,733 --> 00:04:03,700
No, no.
121
00:04:03,733 --> 00:04:04,866
Oh. Oh, okay.
All right.
122
00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:05,866
He's out,
I get it.
123
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:06,966
No, no, no,
no, no.
124
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,200
I'm it. I win.
125
00:04:08,233 --> 00:04:09,486
No. No.
He's it. He wins.
126
00:04:09,486 --> 00:04:11,033
No. No.
He's it. He wins.
127
00:04:11,066 --> 00:04:12,033
It is good.
128
00:04:15,066 --> 00:04:16,733
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Do over. Start with him.
129
00:04:16,766 --> 00:04:18,466
No, no, no.
130
00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:20,733
Come on, Kramer.
Now, you got the socks.
131
00:04:23,066 --> 00:04:24,466
All right, you can have it.
132
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,033
D--!
133
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:30,000
Okay. I'm gonna take
the suit...
134
00:04:30,033 --> 00:04:31,566
and...
135
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:32,866
shoes...
136
00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:34,466
and the hat.
All right. Let's go.
137
00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:35,533
Hey,
138
00:04:35,566 --> 00:04:37,533
I look like Joe Friday
in Dragnet.
139
00:04:37,566 --> 00:04:38,733
♪ Dum-dee-dum-dum ♪
140
00:04:40,166 --> 00:04:42,200
I can't believe
I won at inka-dink.
141
00:04:42,233 --> 00:04:43,900
[GIGGLES]
142
00:04:43,933 --> 00:04:44,900
JERRY:
Come on,
let's go.
143
00:04:44,933 --> 00:04:45,900
Yeah.
144
00:04:47,566 --> 00:04:48,700
Aren't you gonna
take it?
145
00:04:48,733 --> 00:04:50,300
No, no. I don't wanna
carry it around.
146
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,533
I'll pick it up
later.
147
00:04:51,566 --> 00:04:52,533
What about
your stuff?
148
00:04:52,566 --> 00:04:54,633
Uh, oh, uh,
okay.
149
00:04:54,666 --> 00:04:55,700
Yyyyah!
150
00:04:55,733 --> 00:04:56,700
[CRASH]
151
00:04:56,733 --> 00:04:58,266
[SMASH]
152
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:01,466
All right,
let's go.
153
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,566
Hey. You know,
you owe me one.
154
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,033
What?
The inka-dink.
155
00:05:05,066 --> 00:05:06,866
You were it.
It's bad?
156
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:09,200
It very bad.
157
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,533
If they don't let you
be my editor on this book,
158
00:05:14,566 --> 00:05:17,633
I go to another publisher.
It's that simple.
159
00:05:17,666 --> 00:05:19,233
You told them that?
Of course.
160
00:05:19,266 --> 00:05:21,366
[GASPS]
Oh, this is so fantastic.
161
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,800
I don't know how
to thank you.
162
00:05:23,833 --> 00:05:25,200
So where's this
boyfriend of yours?
163
00:05:25,233 --> 00:05:27,000
I can't wait much longer,
I got a flight.
164
00:05:27,033 --> 00:05:28,633
Uh, he's probably caught
in traffic.
165
00:05:28,666 --> 00:05:31,200
Or maybe he's dead.
166
00:05:31,233 --> 00:05:33,100
So, what do you write,
children's books?
167
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,000
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
168
00:05:35,033 --> 00:05:37,033
That's Ray.
169
00:05:38,766 --> 00:05:39,486
Ah, greetings.
170
00:05:39,486 --> 00:05:40,200
Ah, greetings.
171
00:05:40,233 --> 00:05:42,200
Greetings
and salutations.
172
00:05:42,233 --> 00:05:44,633
I beg your forgiveness.
My tardiness was unavoidable.
173
00:05:44,666 --> 00:05:46,933
Rava, my love.
174
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:49,033
Elaine, dear friend.
175
00:05:49,066 --> 00:05:51,666
And you must be Jerry,
lord of the manor.
176
00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:53,233
Ah, my liege.
177
00:05:53,266 --> 00:05:54,233
A pleasure
to serve you.
178
00:05:56,766 --> 00:05:57,833
All right.
179
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,500
Well, we have to
get back to work.
180
00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:01,500
[CHORTLES]
181
00:06:01,533 --> 00:06:02,900
I gotta get to the airport.
182
00:06:02,933 --> 00:06:05,666
Your palace shall sparkle
like the stars in heaven
183
00:06:05,700 --> 00:06:07,200
upon your safe arrival, sire.
184
00:06:08,666 --> 00:06:09,486
The, uh, toilet brush
is under the sink.
185
00:06:09,486 --> 00:06:11,533
The, uh, toilet brush
is under the sink.
186
00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:14,166
I don't really feel
that comfortable
187
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:15,966
with a maid either,
because there's that guilt
188
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,400
when you have someone
cleaning your house.
189
00:06:17,433 --> 00:06:18,633
You're sitting there
on the sofa,
190
00:06:18,666 --> 00:06:20,166
they go by
with the vacuum cleaner.
191
00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,566
"I'm really sorry about this.
192
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:24,866
I don't know why I left
that stuff over there."
193
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:26,300
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
194
00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:28,333
And that's why
I could never be a maid,
195
00:06:28,366 --> 00:06:29,533
because I would have
that attitude.
196
00:06:29,566 --> 00:06:31,366
I'd find them,
wherever they are in the house.
197
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,000
"Oh, I suppose
you couldn't do this.
198
00:06:33,033 --> 00:06:34,500
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
199
00:06:34,533 --> 00:06:39,333
"No, don't get up.
Let me clean up your filth.
200
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:39,486
"No, you couldn't dust.
201
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:40,500
"No, you couldn't dust.
202
00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:42,566
Oh. Oh, this is too tough,
isn't it?"
203
00:06:44,233 --> 00:06:45,966
He really did
an amazing job. Look.
204
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,033
He uncoagulated the top
of the dishwashing liquid.
205
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,300
He cleaned out the bottom
of the little egg cups.
206
00:06:54,333 --> 00:06:56,033
Come here,
look at this.
207
00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,633
He cleaned in
the little one-inch area
208
00:06:59,666 --> 00:07:02,700
between the refrigerator
and the counter.
209
00:07:02,733 --> 00:07:05,166
How'd he
get in there?
210
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,066
He must be
like Rubber Man.
211
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:08,900
There's no Rubber Man.
212
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,266
Why did I think
there was a Rubber Man?
213
00:07:14,566 --> 00:07:16,200
There's Elastic Man,
214
00:07:16,233 --> 00:07:17,566
Plastic Man.
215
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:18,700
I'm leaving.
216
00:07:18,733 --> 00:07:20,233
Where are you going?
To Rava's house.
217
00:07:20,266 --> 00:07:21,533
I gotta pick up
her manuscript.
218
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:22,866
Oh, wait,
I'll go with you.
219
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:23,866
Okay.
220
00:07:26,233 --> 00:07:27,233
Elaine...
221
00:07:27,266 --> 00:07:30,233
he Windexed
the little peephole.
222
00:07:33,066 --> 00:07:35,366
So the meeting with Lippman
is all set.
223
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,333
He's the
editor in chief.
224
00:07:37,366 --> 00:07:39,033
I think because
of your request.
225
00:07:39,066 --> 00:07:39,486
Demand.
226
00:07:39,486 --> 00:07:40,200
Demand.
227
00:07:40,233 --> 00:07:43,166
They're gonna promote me
to editor.
228
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,566
Darn tooting.
229
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:48,266
There's Ray, late as usual.
230
00:07:49,733 --> 00:07:51,300
Well.
231
00:07:51,333 --> 00:07:54,500
This is an unexpected surprise.
And delight.
232
00:07:54,533 --> 00:07:57,133
The once and future
king of comedy, Jerry the first,
233
00:07:57,166 --> 00:07:58,966
gracing our humble abode.
234
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,366
Rava, we are in the presence
of royalty.
235
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,866
Hey, Ray, listen.
236
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:05,566
You really did a tremendous job
cleaning that apartment.
237
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,633
Oh, but I didn't just clean
your apartment.
238
00:08:07,666 --> 00:08:09,486
It was a ritual,
a ceremony.
239
00:08:09,486 --> 00:08:09,966
It was a ritual,
a ceremony.
240
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,700
A celebration of life.
241
00:08:11,733 --> 00:08:15,166
Shouldn't you be
out on a ledge somewhere?
242
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,000
[KETTLE WHISTLES]
243
00:08:17,033 --> 00:08:18,366
[LAUGHING]
He's funny.
244
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:19,533
The water's boiling.
245
00:08:19,566 --> 00:08:20,700
Are we all having tea?
246
00:08:20,733 --> 00:08:22,900
Yes.
Yes. Jerry?
247
00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:26,566
Jerry.
What?
248
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,566
RAVA:
Ray, would you give me
a hand, please?
249
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:29,866
[SIGHS]
250
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:32,400
Yeah, I'm coming.
251
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,733
I think that's the statue
from my house.
252
00:08:43,766 --> 00:08:46,000
That looks like the statue
from my house.
253
00:08:46,733 --> 00:08:48,000
What statue?
254
00:08:48,033 --> 00:08:49,666
I had a statue.
255
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:51,466
You have a statue?
I never saw a statue.
256
00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:53,800
My grandfather gave me a statue.
Since when?
257
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:55,566
What's the difference?
That's the one.
258
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,200
He ripped me off.
This guy ripped me off.
259
00:08:59,566 --> 00:09:00,966
Do you take sugar?
260
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,166
Um, no.
No.
261
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,500
I can't believe it.
This guy ripped me off.
262
00:09:06,533 --> 00:09:08,066
Do you realize
what you're saying?
263
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,486
Yes. This guy
ripped me off.
264
00:09:09,486 --> 00:09:09,733
Yes. This guy
ripped me off.
265
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,866
He stole that statue
right out of my house.
266
00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:13,900
Lemon?
267
00:09:13,933 --> 00:09:16,200
Um, sure.
Yeah.
268
00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:19,400
Are you sure?
Pretty sure.
269
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:24,233
99% sure.
99% sure?
270
00:09:24,266 --> 00:09:26,400
Ah, sweet elixir,
271
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:30,366
its fragrant nectar
a soothing balm for the soul.
272
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:31,866
[TIMER CHIMES]
273
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:33,900
Those are the pastries.
Ray, take care of that.
274
00:09:33,933 --> 00:09:36,033
I'm gonna get Elaine
the manuscript.
275
00:09:36,066 --> 00:09:38,333
The pastries.
276
00:09:38,366 --> 00:09:39,400
[CHUCKLES]
277
00:09:41,766 --> 00:09:44,166
Maybe it just looks the same.
Maybe it's a coincidence.
278
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,966
Coincidence?
This guy's in my apartment,
279
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,166
and then,
just by coincidence,
280
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,533
he has the exact same statue
in his apartment?
281
00:09:49,566 --> 00:09:53,200
I never saw any statue.
I had a statue.
282
00:09:53,233 --> 00:09:55,366
What should I do?
283
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,533
I'll call Kramer.
He can check my house.
284
00:09:57,566 --> 00:09:59,333
Oh, Jerry.
285
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:01,500
Don't blow this for me.
286
00:10:01,533 --> 00:10:03,400
Don't worry.
287
00:10:04,433 --> 00:10:05,533
Kramer.
288
00:10:05,566 --> 00:10:07,033
[WHISPERS]
Kramer.
289
00:10:07,066 --> 00:10:09,486
It's Jerry. Jerry.
290
00:10:09,486 --> 00:10:09,800
It's Jerry. Jerry.
291
00:10:09,833 --> 00:10:13,166
From next door.
Never mind where I am.
292
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,500
Yes, Jerry Seinfeld.
293
00:10:17,566 --> 00:10:19,533
Ma, I told you
294
00:10:19,566 --> 00:10:22,533
just dip the bread
in the batter
295
00:10:22,566 --> 00:10:24,833
and put it in the pan.
296
00:10:24,866 --> 00:10:26,033
Okay.
297
00:10:26,066 --> 00:10:28,066
Bye. My mother.
298
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:31,233
She forgot how to make
French toast.
299
00:10:31,266 --> 00:10:32,666
You know how mothers are.
300
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,400
My mother left us
when I was 6 years old.
301
00:10:35,433 --> 00:10:37,833
All seven of us.
We never heard from her again.
302
00:10:37,866 --> 00:10:39,486
I hope she's rotting
in an alley somewhere.
303
00:10:39,486 --> 00:10:40,166
I hope she's rotting
in an alley somewhere.
304
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:47,200
My mom's down in Florida.
305
00:10:47,233 --> 00:10:50,366
She's got
one of those condos.
306
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,833
Hot down there in the summer.
You ever been down there?
307
00:10:53,866 --> 00:10:55,733
I love these pastries.
308
00:10:55,766 --> 00:10:57,333
You know,
in Scandinavian mythology,
309
00:10:57,366 --> 00:10:59,000
the pastries
were the food of the gods.
310
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:03,466
Listen, I just
remembered, I'm, uh...
311
00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:04,966
getting a facial.
312
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,000
Oh, I'll see you tomorrow
morning.
313
00:11:08,033 --> 00:11:09,486
How about dinner?
No, I don't eat dinner.
314
00:11:09,486 --> 00:11:10,200
How about dinner?
No, I don't eat dinner.
315
00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:12,566
Dinner's for suckers.
316
00:11:15,566 --> 00:11:17,866
Uh-huh. Yeah, okay.
317
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:20,133
Thanks anyway. Bye.
318
00:11:20,166 --> 00:11:21,533
Nope.
319
00:11:21,566 --> 00:11:23,200
Cop says it's my word
against his.
320
00:11:23,233 --> 00:11:24,866
There's nothing
they can do.
321
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,666
Let's go get him.
322
00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:27,733
Yeah, right.
323
00:11:27,766 --> 00:11:29,366
We can't let him
get away with this.
324
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,800
You realize how crazy
he had to be to do this?
325
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:34,633
He knew I was gonna know it's
missing and that he took it.
326
00:11:34,666 --> 00:11:36,166
And of all things to take.
327
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,366
I left my watch, tape recorder,
stereo. He's crazy.
328
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:39,486
You wanna go get him?
329
00:11:39,486 --> 00:11:41,366
You wanna go get him?
330
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,066
Then if he's crazy,
you should just forget it.
331
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:45,500
Forget it?
332
00:11:45,533 --> 00:11:47,700
I already called my parents.
333
00:11:47,733 --> 00:11:50,300
I told them to expect
the surprise of a lifetime.
334
00:11:50,333 --> 00:11:52,966
My mother's making
her roasted potatoes.
335
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,333
George, do you realize
336
00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:58,966
that Rava has asked me
to edit her book?
337
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,533
Who is this Rava?
338
00:12:00,566 --> 00:12:02,700
I say we get him.
339
00:12:02,733 --> 00:12:03,866
Let me just call him.
No!
340
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:06,100
I'll call him.
341
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,633
Hello, Ray?
342
00:12:15,666 --> 00:12:19,033
Hi, Ray. This is Rava's friend,
Elaine's friend, Jerry.
343
00:12:19,066 --> 00:12:21,133
Yeah, the king of comedy,
right.
344
00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:24,200
Listen, you know that statue
on your mantel
345
00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:28,366
the one with the blue lady--?
Would you shut up?!
346
00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:33,866
Yeah. Oh, you don't want to talk
about it over the phone.
347
00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:36,333
You don't want Rava to hear.
348
00:12:36,366 --> 00:12:38,033
Yeah, I understand.
349
00:12:38,066 --> 00:12:39,486
You know the coffee shop
near my house, Monk's?
350
00:12:39,486 --> 00:12:40,833
You know the coffee shop
near my house, Monk's?
351
00:12:40,866 --> 00:12:43,633
All right, tomorrow, 1:00.
352
00:12:43,666 --> 00:12:45,100
Great. Okay, bye.
353
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,400
All right, look.
Look, look, look.
354
00:12:49,433 --> 00:12:50,900
Let's say he stole it.
355
00:12:50,933 --> 00:12:52,366
Oh, he stole it.
356
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,466
You-- You can't do anything
about it.
357
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:56,200
The cops won't do anything.
358
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:57,800
What, are you gonna
go fight him?
359
00:12:57,833 --> 00:13:00,666
Why don't you
just forget it.
360
00:13:02,733 --> 00:13:04,266
No.
No.
361
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,866
Thought you said 1:00.
362
00:13:13,900 --> 00:13:15,366
Relax. He's late.
363
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,233
He's always late.
It's part of his m.o.
364
00:13:17,266 --> 00:13:19,166
Remember, don't take
any crap.
365
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,133
Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about it.
366
00:13:21,166 --> 00:13:23,133
I'll be right here.
That's comforting.
367
00:13:23,166 --> 00:13:25,366
Shh. He's coming.
368
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:26,900
Ray.
369
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:29,333
Oh. Jerry.
370
00:13:29,366 --> 00:13:32,166
I can't believe you asked me
about that statue.
371
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,633
You know how much trouble
you could've gotten me into?
372
00:13:34,666 --> 00:13:35,666
Well, I--
373
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:36,035
Rava was standing
right next me.
374
00:13:36,035 --> 00:13:37,466
Rava was standing
right next me.
375
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,700
I never told her
where I got the statue.
376
00:13:39,733 --> 00:13:42,033
I wonder why.
Well, just give it back
377
00:13:42,066 --> 00:13:43,500
and I won't
say anything.
378
00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:44,866
Give it back?
379
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:46,333
Yeah.
380
00:13:46,366 --> 00:13:48,500
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
381
00:13:48,533 --> 00:13:50,300
What's he talking about?
I'm talking about the statue.
382
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:52,400
Yeah, me too.
Give it back to whom?
383
00:13:52,433 --> 00:13:53,533
Me.
Him.
384
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:55,033
You?
Yeah, me.
385
00:13:55,066 --> 00:13:57,666
I'm not getting this.
You already got it.
386
00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:01,400
Ray, I had a statue
in my house.
387
00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:03,200
You were in my house.
388
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:05,200
And then I saw it
in your house.
389
00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:06,035
What are you saying?
What am I saying?
390
00:14:06,035 --> 00:14:07,533
What are you saying?
What am I saying?
391
00:14:07,566 --> 00:14:09,733
Take a wild guess.
392
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:12,566
Are you saying
I stole your statue?
393
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,066
What a mind.
Well, I--
394
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:16,800
I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
395
00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:18,033
I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
396
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,366
I can't believe
what I'm hearing.
397
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,900
For your information,
I got that statue in a pawnshop.
398
00:14:21,933 --> 00:14:23,666
Pawnshop?
A pawnshop?
399
00:14:23,700 --> 00:14:24,866
Yes, in Chinatown,
400
00:14:24,900 --> 00:14:26,366
with the money
I earned cleaning apartments.
401
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,033
Cleaning them out.
Oh, excuse me.
402
00:14:29,066 --> 00:14:30,700
Yeah.
403
00:14:30,733 --> 00:14:34,033
Look, Ray, you were
the only person in my house.
404
00:14:34,066 --> 00:14:36,035
What's behind this?
It's Rava, isn't it?
405
00:14:36,035 --> 00:14:37,066
What's behind this?
It's Rava, isn't it?
406
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,366
Again with the Rava.
407
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:39,566
You want her.
408
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,866
No, she's a little
too cheery for me.
409
00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:44,033
She's from Finland,
for crying out loud.
410
00:14:44,066 --> 00:14:45,200
Finland!
Do you understand?
411
00:14:45,233 --> 00:14:46,866
I know Finland.
They're neutral.
412
00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:49,700
So, what, is it me?
Do I rub you the wrong way?
413
00:14:49,733 --> 00:14:51,666
No, actually, I find you
quite charming.
414
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:53,033
A bit verbose at times.
415
00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:56,066
"I find you so charming."
You wuss.
416
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:57,700
Did you call me
a wuss?
417
00:14:57,733 --> 00:14:58,733
What did you say?
418
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,633
I said, "luss."
419
00:15:02,666 --> 00:15:05,200
I'm at a luss.
420
00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:06,035
I'd love to take you to
the pawnshop where I got it.
421
00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:07,666
I'd love to take you to
the pawnshop where I got it.
422
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,233
That's not necessary.
423
00:15:12,666 --> 00:15:15,066
You know, maybe it's not
that bad an idea.
424
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:18,066
And I would love to.
Nothing would please me more.
425
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:20,833
But unfortunately, the guy
retired and moved to Singapore.
426
00:15:20,866 --> 00:15:22,633
Singapore? Do you hear this?
427
00:15:22,666 --> 00:15:23,866
If you really want,
428
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:25,833
maybe I can contact
the guy in Singapore.
429
00:15:25,866 --> 00:15:28,200
Have him make a Photostat
of the receipt
430
00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:30,233
and send it over.
Oh, that's it.
431
00:15:30,266 --> 00:15:32,733
That's it! I can't take it.
I can't take it anymore!
432
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:35,500
You stole the statue!
You're a thief! You're a liar!
433
00:15:35,533 --> 00:15:36,035
JERRY: George.
RAY: Who is this?
434
00:15:36,035 --> 00:15:36,966
JERRY: George.
RAY: Who is this?
435
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,466
I'm the judge and the jury, pal.
And the verdict is, guilty!
436
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:42,133
What is going on here?
Guilty!
437
00:15:42,166 --> 00:15:44,133
Your friend is crazy.
Oh, I'm crazy!
438
00:15:44,166 --> 00:15:45,333
George, George.
439
00:15:45,366 --> 00:15:46,966
I've gotta get going.
I have a class.
440
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,866
Oh, a class, huh? A class.
At Columbia?
441
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:52,800
Let me tell you something, pal.
I called the registrar's office.
442
00:15:52,833 --> 00:15:54,333
I checked you out.
443
00:15:54,366 --> 00:15:56,066
They have no record
of a Ray Thomas
444
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,466
at that school, you liar!
445
00:15:57,500 --> 00:16:00,500
That is because I am registered
under my full legal name,
446
00:16:00,533 --> 00:16:02,200
Raymond Thomas Wochinski.
447
00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:04,133
Ray Thomas is
my professional name.
448
00:16:04,166 --> 00:16:05,533
You mean "alias."
449
00:16:05,566 --> 00:16:06,035
You are starting
to make me angry.
450
00:16:06,035 --> 00:16:08,300
You are starting
to make me angry.
451
00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:10,033
Well...
452
00:16:10,066 --> 00:16:12,166
that was bound to happen.
453
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,566
I hope you think about
what you've done here today.
454
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,200
And if you wanna call
and apologize,
455
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,700
you know where
to reach me.
456
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,300
Hey, Ray.
457
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:27,666
Yes?
458
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,300
How did you get the goop
459
00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:31,200
out of the top
of the dishwashing liquid?
460
00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,733
It was like
a brand-new nozzle.
461
00:16:36,066 --> 00:16:38,666
Nervous?
Why should I be?
462
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:40,900
Yeah. Right.
463
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:43,233
Your notes
were very insightful.
464
00:16:43,266 --> 00:16:45,866
The book is great.
465
00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:47,300
Did you go out
last night?
466
00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:51,900
No, we made love on the floor
like two animals.
467
00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:54,166
Ray is insatiable.
468
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,200
[COUGHS WEAKLY]
469
00:16:55,233 --> 00:16:57,033
They all are.
470
00:16:57,066 --> 00:16:59,500
Was Jerry?
471
00:16:59,533 --> 00:17:01,766
I can't remember.
472
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:10,366
You know, Ray is very upset
over these accusations.
473
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,700
I'm staying out of this one.
This is between them.
474
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,533
I am not getting involved.
475
00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:18,200
[ELEVATOR CHIMES]
476
00:17:18,233 --> 00:17:19,566
So you think he stole it?
477
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,200
You have to admit,
the circumstantial evidence.
478
00:17:22,233 --> 00:17:23,900
I admit nothing.
479
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:30,033
Will you put that cigarette out,
please?
480
00:17:30,066 --> 00:17:32,000
I mean, he was
in the apartment,
481
00:17:32,033 --> 00:17:34,366
and then it's gone,
and it's in your apartment.
482
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,035
Maybe you think
we're in cahoots.
No, no.
483
00:17:36,035 --> 00:17:36,566
Maybe you think
we're in cahoots.
No, no.
484
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,200
But it's quite
a coincidence.
485
00:17:38,233 --> 00:17:40,700
Yes, that's all,
a coincidence.
486
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:43,033
Big coincidence.
487
00:17:43,066 --> 00:17:45,566
Not a big coincidence.
A coincidence.
488
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,166
No, that's
a big coincidence.
489
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,566
That's what
a coincidence is.
490
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,466
There are no small coincidences
and big coincidences.
491
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:53,700
No. There are degrees
of coincidences.
492
00:17:53,733 --> 00:17:56,233
No. There are only coincidences.
Ask anyone.
493
00:17:56,266 --> 00:17:58,833
Are there big coincidences
and small coincidences
494
00:17:58,866 --> 00:18:00,633
or just coincidences?
495
00:18:00,666 --> 00:18:03,333
Well? Well?
496
00:18:03,366 --> 00:18:04,400
[ELEVATOR CHIMES]
497
00:18:04,433 --> 00:18:05,466
Will you put
498
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:06,035
that cigarette
out?
499
00:18:06,035 --> 00:18:06,566
that cigarette
out?
500
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,033
Maybe I put it out on your face.
501
00:18:09,066 --> 00:18:10,866
It's just like Ray said.
502
00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:13,500
You and Jerry,
you're jealous of our love.
503
00:18:13,533 --> 00:18:15,066
You're trying
to destroy us.
504
00:18:16,566 --> 00:18:19,900
Shouldn't you be
out on a ledge somewhere?
505
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,035
Ma, will you stop?
506
00:18:36,035 --> 00:18:36,200
Ma, will you stop?
507
00:18:36,233 --> 00:18:39,000
It's just a statue.
508
00:18:39,033 --> 00:18:41,200
How is it my fault?
It was stolen.
509
00:18:41,233 --> 00:18:44,033
I didn't even
touch it this time.
510
00:18:44,066 --> 00:18:46,366
Okay, fine.
511
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,700
I don't see why this should
affect the potatoes.
512
00:18:48,733 --> 00:18:50,900
Okay!
Goodbye.
513
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,700
She doesn't react
to disappointment very well.
514
00:18:55,733 --> 00:18:57,066
Unlike me.
515
00:18:57,100 --> 00:18:59,200
I'm not happy about this.
516
00:18:59,233 --> 00:19:02,066
Why don't we just
throw a Molotov cocktail
517
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,366
through their window.
518
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,233
There's just no justice.
519
00:19:05,266 --> 00:19:06,035
This experience has changed me.
520
00:19:06,035 --> 00:19:07,200
This experience has changed me.
521
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:10,033
It's made me more cynical,
more bitter, more jaded.
522
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,033
Really?
523
00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,500
Sure. Why not?
524
00:19:13,533 --> 00:19:15,033
How do you think
I feel?
525
00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,166
Instead of editing
the first novel
526
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,200
of a major young
writing talent,
527
00:19:19,233 --> 00:19:24,000
I am proofreading
a food-allergy cookbook.
528
00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:26,366
Can't you talk to your boss?
I did.
529
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:27,900
He loves Rava.
530
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:29,366
Worse, he loves Ray.
531
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,366
And he doesn't think
you're funny at all.
532
00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:36,035
I'm not happy about this.
533
00:19:36,035 --> 00:19:37,566
I'm not happy about this.
534
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,033
Well, perhaps we can take
comfort in the knowledge
535
00:19:40,066 --> 00:19:43,133
that in the next world,
Ray will be the recipient
536
00:19:43,166 --> 00:19:45,666
of a much larger and more harsh
brand of justice.
537
00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:47,600
Yeah, he'll have my parents.
538
00:19:54,066 --> 00:19:55,300
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
539
00:19:55,333 --> 00:19:58,033
KRAMER:
Police. Open up!
540
00:19:58,066 --> 00:19:59,933
Police?
541
00:20:05,566 --> 00:20:06,035
Freeze, mama!
Hey, hey--
542
00:20:06,035 --> 00:20:06,966
Freeze, mama!
Hey, hey--
543
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,200
Shut up!
Spread them.
544
00:20:09,233 --> 00:20:10,866
I said,
spread them!
545
00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:12,333
You're in big
trouble, son.
546
00:20:12,366 --> 00:20:14,033
Burglary,
grand larceny
547
00:20:14,066 --> 00:20:15,633
possession
of stolen goods.
548
00:20:15,666 --> 00:20:17,200
And murder!
Murder?
549
00:20:17,233 --> 00:20:19,200
Shut up! Keep them spread.
550
00:20:19,233 --> 00:20:22,100
You just make love
to that wall, pervert.
551
00:20:24,166 --> 00:20:27,033
Hey, I think you have me
confused with somebody else.
552
00:20:27,066 --> 00:20:29,033
Is your name Ray?
Yeah.
553
00:20:29,066 --> 00:20:31,566
Yeah, you're the punk
I'm looking for!
554
00:20:34,266 --> 00:20:36,033
Hey. Hey, are you
a cop?
555
00:20:36,066 --> 00:20:39,733
Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop.
I'm a damn good cop!
556
00:20:40,866 --> 00:20:42,866
And today's your lucky day,
junior.
557
00:20:42,900 --> 00:20:45,333
Because I'm gonna let you off
with just a warning.
558
00:20:45,366 --> 00:20:47,333
Any more of this criminal
activity,
559
00:20:47,366 --> 00:20:48,733
and you'll be sorry.
You got me?
560
00:20:48,766 --> 00:20:50,666
Got you? I don't know
what you're talking about.
561
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:52,666
Good, good.
Let's keep it that way.
562
00:21:01,033 --> 00:21:04,233
All right, all right.
What's the big hubbub, bub?
563
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:06,035
[SIGHS]
564
00:21:06,035 --> 00:21:06,733
[SIGHS]
565
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:09,566
[ELAINE AND JERRY GASP]
566
00:21:11,733 --> 00:21:16,033
Kramer, I can't believe it.
Oh, you're my hero!
567
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:17,966
Yeah.
Kramer, what did you do?
568
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,300
Well, let's put it this way:
569
00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:21,866
I didn't take him
to People's Court.
570
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:27,033
I feel like a huge weight has
been lifted off my shoulders.
571
00:21:27,066 --> 00:21:30,033
I-- I-- I feel happy!
572
00:21:30,066 --> 00:21:31,833
Kramer, I don't know
how to thank you.
573
00:21:31,866 --> 00:21:34,033
Well, I'll think
of something.
574
00:21:34,066 --> 00:21:35,433
Gah!
575
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,400
People are going to steal
from you. You can't stop them.
576
00:21:39,433 --> 00:21:42,300
But everybody has their own
little personal security things.
577
00:21:42,333 --> 00:21:45,966
Things that they think
will foil the crooks, you know.
578
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,833
In your own mind, right? You go
to the beach, go in the water.
579
00:21:48,866 --> 00:21:52,233
Put your wallet in the sneaker.
Who's gonna know?
580
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:55,400
What criminal mind
581
00:21:55,433 --> 00:21:58,466
could penetrate
this fortress of security?
582
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:00,666
"I tied a bow.
583
00:22:00,700 --> 00:22:03,466
They can't get through that."
584
00:22:03,500 --> 00:22:06,035
"I put the wallet down
by the toe of the sneaker.
585
00:22:06,035 --> 00:22:07,033
"I put the wallet down
by the toe of the sneaker.
586
00:22:07,066 --> 00:22:08,533
"They never look there.
587
00:22:08,566 --> 00:22:10,700
They check the heel,
they move on."
588
00:22:21,166 --> 00:22:23,266
[♪]
41104
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