Original subtitles

I have to tell you

that I did get some very exciting news recently.

And I don't know if I should

really tell you exactly what it is,

because it's really not a definite thing yet.

MAN: Come on! WOMAN: Come on!

[CHEERS, CLAPS]

Well, I will tell you what I do know so far.

According to the information that I have

in the envelope that I received,

it seems...

that I may have already won some very valuable prizes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Well...

Thank you. That's very nice to hear that.

Thank you. That's very nice to hear that.

But in all honesty...

I have to say,

I didn't even know I was in this thing.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

But according to the readout,

it looks like I am among

the top people that they are considering.

You know, that's what annoys me about sweepstakes companies.

They tease you with that, "You may have already won."

I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts.

Come out with the truth. Just tell people the truth one time.

Send out envelopes, "You have definitely lost."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

You turn it over, giant printing,

"Not even close."

"Not even close."

You open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation:

"Even we cannot believe

how badly you've done in this contest."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

To the right.

Boy, that took a while. Don't get up.

I'd like to help, but...my neck.

So...how long has it been in the basement?

Since my grandfather died.

I was supposed to send it

down to my parents in Florida,

but they didn't want it.

They said get rid of it, but I felt funny.

And then I sort of forgot about it.

And then I sort of forgot about it.

And it's been sitting down there

for three years until he saw it.

[DRUMMING] Hm.

All right, so just take what you want,

and let's get it out of here.

What's in it?

Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them.

Uh, you...

You want these?

Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks.

No. Go ahead.

[CACKLES] Look at this place.

I can't wait to get it cleaned.

Hey, I'll know somebody who'll do it.

She's good, she's honest.

No, Elaine's got this writer friend from Finland. Rava.

No, Elaine's got this writer friend from Finland. Rava.

Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school.

And he's supposed to do it.

Well, students can't clean.

It's anathema.

They don't like it.

How long you been waiting

to squeeze that into a conversation?

Now, this, I like.

Huh?

Wait a second.

I can't believe this.

Let me see this. Wait, wait, wait.

Let me see this. Wait, wait, wait.

Let me just see it for a second! No. Come on, come on.

Oh, my God. It's exactly the same.

JERRY: What? [LAUGHS]

When I was 10 years old,

my parents had this very same statue

on the mantel of our apartment.

Exactly.

And...

one day I grabbed it,

I was using it as a microphone.

I was singing "MacArthur Park." And...

I got to the part about,

"I'll never have the recipe again"

and it slipped out my hand, and it broke.

My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments.

To this day, they bring it up.

To this day, they bring it up.

It was the single most damaging experience of my life.

Aside from seeing my father naked.

No, give it back. Come on, I saw it first.

Kramer, I have to have the statue.

I got dibs. What? No dibs.

I need the statue. Give it!

Spread out. Spread out!

You numbskulls. Geez.

Why don't you just settle it like mature adults?

Potato man. No, no, no.

No potato man.

Inka-dink.

Okay.

Uh, yeah, yeah. Start with me.

Yeah. Good, good.

Inka dink-a Bottle of ink-a

Cork fell out And you stink...

Not because you're dirty Not because you're clean

Just because you kissed a girl Behind the magazine...

[LAUGHS] No, no.

And... Wait a minute.

You... No, no.

Are... No.

It. What? What are you doing?

No, no.

Oh. Oh, okay. All right.

He's out, I get it.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm it. I win.

No. No. He's it. He wins.

No. No. He's it. He wins.

It is good.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Do over. Start with him.

No, no, no.

Come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks.

All right, you can have it.

D--!

Okay. I'm gonna take the suit...

and...

shoes...

and the hat. All right. Let's go.

Hey,

I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.

♪ Dum-dee-dum-dum ♪

I can't believe I won at inka-dink.

[GIGGLES]

JERRY: Come on, let's go.

Yeah.

Aren't you gonna take it?

No, no. I don't wanna carry it around.

I'll pick it up later.

What about your stuff?

Uh, oh, uh, okay.

Yyyyah!

[CRASH]

[SMASH]

All right, let's go.

Hey. You know, you owe me one.

What? The inka-dink.

You were it. It's bad?

It very bad.

If they don't let you be my editor on this book,

I go to another publisher. It's that simple.

You told them that? Of course.

[GASPS] Oh, this is so fantastic.

I don't know how to thank you.

So where's this boyfriend of yours?

I can't wait much longer, I got a flight.

Uh, he's probably caught in traffic.

Or maybe he's dead.

So, what do you write, children's books?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

That's Ray.

Ah, greetings.

Ah, greetings.

Greetings and salutations.

I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable.

Rava, my love.

Elaine, dear friend.

And you must be Jerry, lord of the manor.

Ah, my liege.

A pleasure to serve you.

All right.

Well, we have to get back to work.

[CHORTLES]

I gotta get to the airport.

Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven

upon your safe arrival, sire.

The, uh, toilet brush is under the sink.

The, uh, toilet brush is under the sink.

I don't really feel that comfortable

with a maid either, because there's that guilt

when you have someone cleaning your house.

You're sitting there on the sofa,

they go by with the vacuum cleaner.

"I'm really sorry about this.

I don't know why I left that stuff over there."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

And that's why I could never be a maid,

because I would have that attitude.

I'd find them, wherever they are in the house.

"Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

"No, don't get up. Let me clean up your filth.

"No, you couldn't dust.

"No, you couldn't dust.

Oh. Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?"

He really did an amazing job. Look.

He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid.

He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups.

Come here, look at this.

He cleaned in the little one-inch area

between the refrigerator and the counter.

How'd he get in there?

He must be like Rubber Man.

There's no Rubber Man.

Why did I think there was a Rubber Man?

There's Elastic Man,

Plastic Man.

I'm leaving.

Where are you going? To Rava's house.

I gotta pick up her manuscript.

Oh, wait, I'll go with you.

Okay.

Elaine...

he Windexed the little peephole.

So the meeting with Lippman is all set.

He's the editor in chief.

I think because of your request.

Demand.

Demand.

They're gonna promote me to editor.

Darn tooting.

There's Ray, late as usual.

Well.

This is an unexpected surprise. And delight.

The once and future king of comedy, Jerry the first,

gracing our humble abode.

Rava, we are in the presence of royalty.

Hey, Ray, listen.

You really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment.

Oh, but I didn't just clean your apartment.

It was a ritual, a ceremony.

It was a ritual, a ceremony.

A celebration of life.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

[KETTLE WHISTLES]

[LAUGHING] He's funny.

The water's boiling.

Are we all having tea?

Yes. Yes. Jerry?

Jerry. What?

RAVA: Ray, would you give me a hand, please?

[SIGHS]

Yeah, I'm coming.

I think that's the statue from my house.

That looks like the statue from my house.

What statue?

I had a statue.

You have a statue? I never saw a statue.

My grandfather gave me a statue. Since when?

What's the difference? That's the one.

He ripped me off. This guy ripped me off.

Do you take sugar?

Um, no. No.

I can't believe it. This guy ripped me off.

Do you realize what you're saying?

Yes. This guy ripped me off.

Yes. This guy ripped me off.

He stole that statue right out of my house.

Lemon?

Um, sure. Yeah.

Are you sure? Pretty sure.

99% sure. 99% sure?

Ah, sweet elixir,

its fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul.

[TIMER CHIMES]

Those are the pastries. Ray, take care of that.

I'm gonna get Elaine the manuscript.

The pastries.

[CHUCKLES]

Maybe it just looks the same. Maybe it's a coincidence.

Coincidence? This guy's in my apartment,

and then, just by coincidence,

he has the exact same statue in his apartment?

I never saw any statue. I had a statue.

What should I do?

I'll call Kramer. He can check my house.

Oh, Jerry.

Don't blow this for me.

Don't worry.

Kramer.

[WHISPERS] Kramer.

It's Jerry. Jerry.

It's Jerry. Jerry.

From next door. Never mind where I am.

Yes, Jerry Seinfeld.

Ma, I told you

just dip the bread in the batter

and put it in the pan.

Okay.

Bye. My mother.

She forgot how to make French toast.

You know how mothers are.

My mother left us when I was 6 years old.

All seven of us. We never heard from her again.

I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.

I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.

My mom's down in Florida.

She's got one of those condos.

Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?

I love these pastries.

You know, in Scandinavian mythology,

the pastries were the food of the gods.

Listen, I just remembered, I'm, uh...

getting a facial.

Oh, I'll see you tomorrow morning.

How about dinner? No, I don't eat dinner.

How about dinner? No, I don't eat dinner.

Dinner's for suckers.

Uh-huh. Yeah, okay.

Thanks anyway. Bye.

Nope.

Cop says it's my word against his.

There's nothing they can do.

Let's go get him.

Yeah, right.

We can't let him get away with this.

You realize how crazy he had to be to do this?

He knew I was gonna know it's missing and that he took it.

And of all things to take.

I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy.

You wanna go get him?

You wanna go get him?

Then if he's crazy, you should just forget it.

Forget it?

I already called my parents.

I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime.

My mother's making her roasted potatoes.

George, do you realize

that Rava has asked me to edit her book?

Who is this Rava?

I say we get him.

Let me just call him. No!

I'll call him.

Hello, Ray?

Hi, Ray. This is Rava's friend, Elaine's friend, Jerry.

Yeah, the king of comedy, right.

Listen, you know that statue on your mantel

the one with the blue lady--? Would you shut up?!

Yeah. Oh, you don't want to talk about it over the phone.

You don't want Rava to hear.

Yeah, I understand.

You know the coffee shop near my house, Monk's?

You know the coffee shop near my house, Monk's?

All right, tomorrow, 1:00.

Great. Okay, bye.

All right, look. Look, look, look.

Let's say he stole it.

Oh, he stole it.

You-- You can't do anything about it.

The cops won't do anything.

What, are you gonna go fight him?

Why don't you just forget it.

No. No.

Thought you said 1:00.

Relax. He's late.

He's always late. It's part of his m.o.

Remember, don't take any crap.

Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.

I'll be right here. That's comforting.

Shh. He's coming.

Ray.

Oh. Jerry.

I can't believe you asked me about that statue.

You know how much trouble you could've gotten me into?

Well, I--

Rava was standing right next me.

Rava was standing right next me.

I never told her where I got the statue.

I wonder why. Well, just give it back

and I won't say anything.

Give it back?

Yeah.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

What's he talking about? I'm talking about the statue.

Yeah, me too. Give it back to whom?

Me. Him.

You? Yeah, me.

I'm not getting this. You already got it.

Ray, I had a statue in my house.

You were in my house.

And then I saw it in your house.

What are you saying? What am I saying?

What are you saying? What am I saying?

Take a wild guess.

Are you saying I stole your statue?

What a mind. Well, I--

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

For your information, I got that statue in a pawnshop.

Pawnshop? A pawnshop?

Yes, in Chinatown,

with the money I earned cleaning apartments.

Cleaning them out. Oh, excuse me.

Yeah.

Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.

What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't it?

What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't it?

Again with the Rava.

You want her.

No, she's a little too cheery for me.

She's from Finland, for crying out loud.

Finland! Do you understand?

I know Finland. They're neutral.

So, what, is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?

No, actually, I find you quite charming.

A bit verbose at times.

"I find you so charming." You wuss.

Did you call me a wuss?

What did you say?

I said, "luss."

I'm at a luss.

I'd love to take you to the pawnshop where I got it.

I'd love to take you to the pawnshop where I got it.

That's not necessary.

You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea.

And I would love to. Nothing would please me more.

But unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.

Singapore? Do you hear this?

If you really want,

maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore.

Have him make a Photostat of the receipt

and send it over. Oh, that's it.

That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore!

You stole the statue! You're a thief! You're a liar!

JERRY: George. RAY: Who is this?

JERRY: George. RAY: Who is this?

I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is, guilty!

What is going on here? Guilty!

Your friend is crazy. Oh, I'm crazy!

George, George.

I've gotta get going. I have a class.

Oh, a class, huh? A class. At Columbia?

Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrar's office.

I checked you out.

They have no record of a Ray Thomas

at that school, you liar!

That is because I am registered under my full legal name,

Raymond Thomas Wochinski.

Ray Thomas is my professional name.

You mean "alias."

You are starting to make me angry.

You are starting to make me angry.

Well...

that was bound to happen.

I hope you think about what you've done here today.

And if you wanna call and apologize,

you know where to reach me.

Hey, Ray.

Yes?

How did you get the goop

out of the top of the dishwashing liquid?

It was like a brand-new nozzle.

Nervous? Why should I be?

Yeah. Right.

Your notes were very insightful.

The book is great.

Did you go out last night?

No, we made love on the floor like two animals.

Ray is insatiable.

[COUGHS WEAKLY]

They all are.

Was Jerry?

I can't remember.

You know, Ray is very upset over these accusations.

I'm staying out of this one. This is between them.

I am not getting involved.

[ELEVATOR CHIMES]

So you think he stole it?

You have to admit, the circumstantial evidence.

I admit nothing.

Will you put that cigarette out, please?

I mean, he was in the apartment,

and then it's gone, and it's in your apartment.

Maybe you think we're in cahoots. No, no.

Maybe you think we're in cahoots. No, no.

But it's quite a coincidence.

Yes, that's all, a coincidence.

Big coincidence.

Not a big coincidence. A coincidence.

No, that's a big coincidence.

That's what a coincidence is.

There are no small coincidences and big coincidences.

No. There are degrees of coincidences.

No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.

Are there big coincidences and small coincidences

or just coincidences?

Well? Well?

[ELEVATOR CHIMES]

Will you put

that cigarette out?

that cigarette out?

Maybe I put it out on your face.

It's just like Ray said.

You and Jerry, you're jealous of our love.

You're trying to destroy us.

Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

Ma, will you stop?

Ma, will you stop?

It's just a statue.

How is it my fault? It was stolen.

I didn't even touch it this time.

Okay, fine.

I don't see why this should affect the potatoes.

Okay! Goodbye.

She doesn't react to disappointment very well.

Unlike me.

I'm not happy about this.

Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail

through their window.

There's just no justice.

This experience has changed me.

This experience has changed me.

It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.

Really?

Sure. Why not?

How do you think I feel?

Instead of editing the first novel

of a major young writing talent,

I am proofreading a food-allergy cookbook.

Can't you talk to your boss? I did.

He loves Rava.

Worse, he loves Ray.

And he doesn't think you're funny at all.

I'm not happy about this.

I'm not happy about this.

Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge

that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient

of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.

Yeah, he'll have my parents.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

KRAMER: Police. Open up!

Police?

Freeze, mama! Hey, hey--

Freeze, mama! Hey, hey--

Shut up! Spread them.

I said, spread them!

You're in big trouble, son.

Burglary, grand larceny

possession of stolen goods.

And murder! Murder?

Shut up! Keep them spread.

You just make love to that wall, pervert.

Hey, I think you have me confused with somebody else.

Is your name Ray? Yeah.

Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for!

Hey. Hey, are you a cop?

Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop!

And today's your lucky day, junior.

Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning.

Any more of this criminal activity,

and you'll be sorry. You got me?

Got you? I don't know what you're talking about.

Good, good. Let's keep it that way.

All right, all right. What's the big hubbub, bub?

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[ELAINE AND JERRY GASP]

Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero!

Yeah. Kramer, what did you do?

Well, let's put it this way:

I didn't take him to People's Court.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I-- I-- I feel happy!

Kramer, I don't know how to thank you.

Well, I'll think of something.

Gah!

People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them.

But everybody has their own little personal security things.

Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know.

In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water.

Put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know?

What criminal mind

could penetrate this fortress of security?

"I tied a bow.

They can't get through that."

"I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker.

"I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker.

"They never look there.

They check the heel, they move on."

[♪]