Original subtitles

Well, I painted my apartment again.

I've been living in this apartment for years and years,

and every time I paint it, it kind of gets me down.

I look around and think, "Well, it's a little bit smaller now."

And I realize it's just the thickness of the paint,

but I'm aware of it.

It just keeps coming in and coming in.

Every time I paint it, it's closer and closer.

I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore.

I just look for, like, a lump with two slots in it.

It kind of looks like a pig.

He's trying to push his way through from the other side.

That's where I plug in.

My idea of the perfect living room

would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise.

You know what I mean?

Big chair, nice screen, remote control.

That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy--

just hurtling through space in your living room,

watching TV.

That's why all the aliens were always dropping in,

because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen.

They'd come over Friday nights-- Klingon boxing.

Got to be there.

What did you do?

Mousse. I moussed up.

I guess it was just a matter of time.

You know, I should've done this years ago.

I mean, I feel like I've had two lives--

my premousse, and now I begin my postmousse.

Truthfully, have you ever seen a better-looking guy?

Looks, it's so subjective.

Oh, I don't mean to interrupt or anything,

Oh, I don't mean to interrupt or anything,

but on Sunday,

my friend is having a brunch

for the New York marathon--

Oh! I keep forgetting to enter that! Gee!

[SIGHING] She lives right above 1st Avenue.

She says she has a perfect view of the race,

and she said I could invite some friends.

Maybe.

MAN: No, I'm not going up there!

[SECOND MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

Harold and Manny.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Boys, boys.

Oh, Jerry.

I slid the rent under your door, Harold.

I slid the rent under your door, Harold.

Did you get it? Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Jerry, would you like anything

from Miss Hudwalker's apartment?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I was only joking.

He thinks I'm going to give you

Miss Hudwalker's things.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

We have to go up there now and clean the apartment.

It's a good thing her rent was overdue.

She'd be rotting up there for a month.

She died? Mrs. Hudwalker died?

94 years old. I found her yesterday.

She didn't have a wig on.

It was horrifying.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

What's the matter with you? I'm talking!

So, Jerry, you know anybody who needs an apartment?

Are you kidding? Do you know my friend Elaine?

Yeah. I like her.

She always says hello to me.

It's not promised to anyone?

Because she'd take it in a second.

Well, Manny wanted it for his brother,

but he got deported.

[SPEAKING SPANISH] ...deported?

It's un pequeño misunderstanding

con departmento de immigracíon.

What's the difference? It's true.

So it's okay? I can just tell her she can have it?

Sure, sure. She's getting a bargain too.

It's only $400 a month.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Okay.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Okay!

Hey, Harold. What do you think?

Manny, look. Kramer put mousse in his hair.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Thanks.

What was that all about?

Oh, nothing important.

What's going on? What is that look?

What's going on? What is that look?

What look?

Nothing.

Something's going on here.

I don't know if you should sit for this or not.

Sitting is good if you faint,

but standing is good for jumping up and down.

I can't decide.

Jumping up and down?

What are you talking about? Come on. Cough it up.

Oh, Elaine, you know the way I am,

rarely ever thinking of myself.

rarely ever thinking of myself.

My only concern is the welfare and happiness

of those close to me.

Sure, it hurts sometimes

to give and give and give--

Would you please?

What would you say...

if I told you that--

Told me what?

I got you an apartment in this building?

No!

Yes.

No! Yes! You didn't!

I did.

You got me an apartment in the building?

I got you an apartment in the building.

I got you an apartment in the building.

How did you--

You remember Mrs. Hudwalker,

the 94-year-old woman who lived above me? No.

She died. She died?

She died!

[GIGGLING] She died!

And... the rent is only $400 a month.

Get out!

400 a month? Only 400 a month?

400 a month.

And I'll be right upstairs?

Right upstairs.

Right above you?

Right above me.

Oh! Whoo-hoo! We're neighbors!

I'll be here all the time!

I'll be here all the time!

All the time.

We can exchange keys

so we can come in and out.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

All the time.

The problem with talking

is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing.

I think life would be a lot better

if it was like you're always making a movie.

You mess up,

somebody just walks on the set and stops the whole shot.

You know what I mean?

Think of the things you wish you could take back.

You're out somewhere with people.

"Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?"

"Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?"

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

That's not gonna work at all.

Walk out the door. Come back in.

Let's take this whole scene again.

People, think about what you're saying.

Thanks. See you later, Donna.

What happened to you?

You can't believe what I just did.

What? What did you do?

I could tell you what I did, but you won't believe it.

It's not believable. What did you do?

How could I have done that? Done what?

I told Elaine about an apartment opening up

in my building.

in my building.

She's going to move in.

Elaine's moving into your building?

Yes. Right above me.

Right above you?

You're gonna be neighbors.

I know. Neighbors.

She's right above you?

Right above me.

How could you do that?

Because I'm an idiot.

You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect,

I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.

Please. Don't insult me, my friend.

Remember who you're talking to.

No one's a bigger idiot than me.

Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend

to move into your building?

Did you ever go to a singles' weekend

in the Poconos?

She's right in my building, right above me.

She's right in my building, right above me.

Every time I come in the building,

I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.

You're doomed.

You're gonna have to have all your sex

at women's apartments.

It'll be like a permanent road trip.

Forget about the home-bed advantage.

But I need the home-bed advantage.

Of course.

We all do.

Come in for two minutes and sit with me.

I was just in there. It's embarrassing.

Oh, who's gonna know?

They all saw me walk out.

Two minutes.

[SIGHING]

My sensoring system broke down.

You know that little guy in your head

who watches everything you say

and makes sure you don't make a mistake?

He went for a cup of coffee

and, in that second, ruined my life.

My sensor quit two years ago.

Checked into a clinic, emotionally exhausted.

So is there any way out of this Elaine thing?

It's tough.

You know, the water pressure's

terrible in my building,

and she loves a good shower.

I never heard of anyone

turning down an apartment

because of a weak shower spray.

If they were fanatic about showers, they might.

For that rent,

For that rent,

she'd take a bath in the toilet tank

if she had to.

Look at this woman feeding her baby

greasy, disgusting,

coffee-shop corned beef hash.

Isn't that child abuse?

I'd like to have a kid.

Of course, you have to have a date first.

Remember my friend Adam from Detroit?

Yeah, the guy with the flat head?

He's a cube.

Anyway, he got married about six months ago.

He told me, ever since he's been wearing a wedding band,

women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.

Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands.

Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands.

I wonder if that's really true.

That'd be an interesting sociological experiment.

You know, Kramer has his father's band.

He'd loan it to you.

Hey, thanks a lot.

So I'll give it back to you in a week.

You know, I don't even know why

you're fooling around with this ring.

I've been telling you-- get yourself some plugs

or a piece. I'm not doing that.

Oh, man. You know, you're crazy.

You're a good-looking guy.

Why do you want to walk around like that for?

Why do you want to walk around like that for?

No, I'll put a half a can of mousse in my head, like you.

No.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I told you, I don't like these sponges.

They're too small.

I want a big sponge!

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

You can't pick up anything with these.

There's no absorption.

Boys, boys.

Hi, Jerry.

Hello, Jerry.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Okay.

Okay.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Okay.

Your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry.

What?

Because somebody offered Manny $5000

for the apartment.

I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Because it's true! Why shouldn't I tell him?

Hey, hey, I understand. You're businessmen.

Okay, okay...

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Oh. Now he says that if your friend has $5000,

Oh. Now he says that if your friend has $5000,

we'll give it to her.

Well, that's a lot of money,

but if that's the way it's got to be,

that's the way it's got to be.

You know, I used to think

that the universe

is a random, chaotic sequence

of meaningless events...

But I see now

that there is reason and purpose to all things.

What happened to you?

Religion, my friend. That's what happened to me.

Because I have just

Because I have just

been informed that it's going to cost Elaine

the sum of $5000 to get the apartment upstairs.

$5000? She doesn't have $5000.

Of course she doesn't have $5000.

So she can't get the apartment.

Can't get it.

So she doesn't move in! No move.

So you see? It's all part of a divine plan.

And how does the baldness fit into that plan?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Elaine?

Yeah!

Yeah!

All right.

This is going to require some great acting now.

I have to pretend I'm disappointed,

so you're going to see me really being a phony now.

I hope you can take this.

Maybe you should go into the other room.

Are you kidding?

I lie every second of the day.

My whole life is a sham.

Because, you know, I love Elaine.

Of course you do.

But, you know, not in the building.

Really, I feel terrible about this.

My intentions were good.

My intentions were good.

What-- What can I do? Tell me.

No, I'll be seeing you!

♪ Good morning Good morning ♪

Have you ever gotten up first thing in the morning

and felt that it's just great to be alive?

That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above?

Ooh.

Before I forget,

I have the checks for the first month,

I have the checks for the first month,

last month, security deposit.

[CHUCKLES]

I have $75 left in my account.

Well...

There's a little bit of a problem.

Oh, I know.

There's a weak shower spray, I know,

and I already thought about it-- I am switching to baths.

As Winston Churchill said, "Why stand when you can sit?"

Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.

Uh, no, uh...

Someone offered Harold and Manny 5000 for the apartment.

I'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you,

I'm sure they'd just as soon give it to you,

but you would have to come up with that money.

Five thousand dollars?

I don't have $5000.

I know.

How am I going to get $5000?

I have no idea.

Hey! My new neighbor.

Oh, I'm not moving in.

What?

They want $5000 now.

So, okay, uh, w-what's the problem?

I don't have $5000.

Oh, come on! You can come up with $5000!

Oh, come on! You can come up with $5000!

Jerry, you don't have $5000 you can lend her?

Come on.

Yeah, well, I didn't-- I mean...

is that something you want to borrow?

No, that's too much money to borrow.

Loan her the money. You can afford it.

She doesn't want to borrow the money.

Oh, come on! She'll pay you back.

What's five grand between friends?

Oh, of course I'd pay you back.

Yeah, so what's the problem?

Who said there's a problem?

Who said there's a problem?

Uh! See? He said he'll loan you the money.

Well, now, Jerry, it might take a while

for me to pay you back, you know.

Maybe a few years.

How do you feel about that?

Ah, it's okay!

He doesn't care.

Well, you know,

money can sometimes come between friends.

Get out of here.

Let me think about it.

What's to think about?

Well, I don't know.

I don't know. 5000?

Let me just take one more look at it.

[GURGLING CHEERFULLY]

[GURGLING CHEERFULLY]

It was all over.

Taken care of.

Done. Finished.

5000-- where is she gonna get--?

She doesn't have 5000.

Clean. Goodbye.

She's gone.

Then you come in.

"Why don't you loan her the 5000?

"What do you care? You got 5000.

Give her 5000."

Wait a minute.

You didn't want her in the building?

No, I didn't.

Well, then, what did you loan her the $5000 for?

Well, then, what did you loan her the $5000 for?

Well, uh, look, maybe she won't take it.

I mean, she did say

that she was going to think about it.

People don't turn down money.

It's what separates us from the animals.

Oh, man, well, I still don't understand

what the problem is, having her in the building.

Let me explain something to you.

You see...

You're not normal.

You're a great guy. I love you.

But... you're a pod.

I, on the other hand, am a human being.

I, on the other hand, am a human being.

I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable,

even inhibited in certain situations

with the other human beings.

You wouldn't understand.

Yeah. Because I'm a pod.

I'll take it!

No.

Hi, Elaine.

Oh, hi, Roxanne. It's nice to be here.

These are my friends.

This is George. And this is Jerry.

Hi.

Jerry's the one who got me my new apartment.

So you're Elaine's hero.

Yes, it's my life's work.

There are so few true heroes

left in this world.

Yeah, my wife couldn't make it today.

She's got some thing with her mother.

She's got some thing with her mother.

Who knows what's going on with her?

Don't let anybody kid you.

It's tough.

Well, better load up on some carbos

before the race.

Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?

Oh, yes, particularly if you're not in it.

I wish we had a view of the finish line.

Ah, what's to see?

A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya,

and 20,000 losers.

Yeah, my wife started getting on me

about the lawn today.

about the lawn today.

I tell you, it's one thing after another.

Is she here?

Uh, no, no, she's working.

What does she do?

She's an entomologist.

Yeah, you know-- bees, flies, gnats.

Yeah. What-- What about you?

I work for the director of Madison Square Garden.

It's great.

I can get free tickets to any sporting event

in New York.

Wow.

Anyway, she's a very lucky woman.

Enjoy the race.

But...

ROXANNE: Hi, Stan.

Joanne.

Come in.

Jerry, this is Joanne and this is Stan.

They're in my short story class.

Hi. How are you?

Hey, Jerry just got me

a great apartment in his building.

Well, Jerry, it'll be nice

to have a close friend nearby.

Fantastic.

She can pop in whenever she wants.

She doesn't even need to knock.

It's tremendous.

Any time of day.

I'm in heaven.

Oh, Rita.

Rita, come here.

Rita, come here.

This is Jerry.

He's the one who got me the apartment.

Oh, hi.

Bob, this is the guy who got Elaine her apartment.

I'm sorry, I just don't see the big deal

about being a matador.

I mean, the bull charges, you move the cape--

What's so hard?

So, are you really married?

Because I've actually heard of single guys

who wear wedding bands to attract women.

who wear wedding bands to attract women.

[CHUCKLES]

[SNORTS]

You would have to be a real loser

to try something like that.

That's too bad, because...

I really have a thing for bald guys with glasses.

Hey, everybody! Here come the runners!

Oh! Ooh.

So, you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?

Oh, I wouldn't quite say that.

Oh, I wouldn't quite say that.

Really?

From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her.

Oh, I'm a guy.

It always looks like that.

Because I was thinking...

Are you at all concerned that living in the same building

will, you know, cramp our styles?

Nah.

Because I was worried that there might be a situation

in which one of us came home with somebody.

It could get a little uncomfortable.

But as long as you're okay with it,

it's fine with me.

I've never been able to be

with just one person.

I can, however,

carry on strictly physical relationships

which can last for years and years.

It's a shame you're married.

Um... I'm not.

Um, it-- it's just a sociological experiment.

Please.

You have no idea what an idiot is.

Elaine just gave me a chance to get out,

and I didn't take it.

This is an idiot.

Is that right?

I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex

and floor seats for every sporting event

in Madison Square Garden.

So, please, a little respect,

So, please, a little respect,

for I am Costanza, lord of the idiots.

ROXANNE: You're all winners!

But, suddenly, a new contender has emerged.

George, I didn't sleep at all last night.

I decided I have to tell her.

I'm just gonna be honest, that's all.

Yes, I'm nervous.

Are you listening to me?

Are you listening to me?

Just-- Just put some soap on your finger.

It'll slide right off.

Well, then try axle grease.

I'll call you back after I talk to her.

Well...

It's all taken care of.

Everything's cool.

What? What's cool?

Elaine.

What are you talking about?

I just found a guy who's willing to pay $10,000

for the apartment.

for the apartment.

You what? Get out!

10,000?

Cash!

Who would pay that much?

He's in the music business.

Elaine would never borrow that much money.

Kramer...

my God, man.

This is beautiful.

I think I'm in the clear here.

Elaine's not moving in.

I don't have to confront her.

She has no idea I never wanted her to move in.

I'm golden.

Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.

[LOUD ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING]

ELAINE: Wow, you're right, that is loud.

It's just unbelievable.

They rehearse all the time?

All the time!

I've been up there six times.

They refuse to stop.

I can't live like this.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'm headed for a breakdown.

Can't you do something?

I'm not going up. It stinks up there.

Manny?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I'm not the one who said

they could play till 11:00.

they could play till 11:00.

He makes up his own rules.

Boy, too bad. If I was up there,

you'd never hear a peep out of me.

I'm as quiet as a mouse.

Hey.

Oh!

I love the one they do right after this one.

I don't know.

What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise

at 3:00 in the morning?

I mean, can you knock on someone's door

and tell 'em to keep it down?

You're really altering your whole self-image.

I mean, what am I, Fred Mertz now?

What's happening to me?

Can I do this? Am I a shusher?

Can I do this? Am I a shusher?

I used to be a shushee.

There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters.

People are always shushing.

Shh. Shh, shh. Shh!

It doesn't work...

Because nobody knows where a shush is coming from.

They just hear a "shh!"

Was that a shush? I think somebody shushed me.

Some people you can't shush in a movie theater.

There's always a certain group of people talking and talking.

Everyone around them is shushing them, shushing them.

They won't shush.

They're the unshushables.

[♪]