Original subtitles

The bad thing about television

is that everybody you see on television

is doing something better than what you're doing.

You never see anybody on TV,

like, just sliding off the front of the sofa

with potato chip crumbs on their face.

Some people have a little too much fun on television.

The soda commercial people.

Where do they summon this enthusiasm?

Have you seen them?

"We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!"

Jumping, laughing, flying through the air.

Jumping, laughing, flying through the air.

It's a can of soda.

Have you ever been standing there

and you're watching TV

and you're drinking the exact product

that they're advertising right there on TV?

And it's like, you know,

they're spiking volleyballs, jet skiing, girls in bikinis...

and I'm standing there,

"Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."

So then, as we were leaving,

we were just kind of standing there,

and she was sort of smiling at me.

I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out.

When women smile at me, I don't know what it means.

Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic,

and I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back,

I don't know what to do, so I stood there like--

Remember how Quayle looked

when Bentsen gave him that Kennedy line?

That's what I looked like.

You didn't ask? No, I froze.

Counter. Oh. Yeah.

So wait, wait.

Half-hour later, I'm back at the office,

I tell Lloyd the whole story.

He says, "So why don't you call her?"

He says, "So why don't you call her?"

I says, "I can't." I couldn't do it right then.

For me to ask a woman out,

I've got to get into a mental state,

like the karate guys before they break the bricks.

So then, Lloyd calls me a wuss.

He said "wuss"?

Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.

So you called?

Right.

And to cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple,

because I think if they hear you chewing

on the other end of the phone,

it makes you sound casual.

Yeah, like a farm boy.

Right. So, I call her up, I tell her it's me.

She gives me an enthusiastic "Hi."

She gives me an enthusiastic "Hi."

Oh. Enthusiastic hi, that's beautiful.

I don't get the enthusiastic hi, I'm out of there.

All right, so you're chewing your apple,

you got your enthusiastic hi, go ahead.

So, we're talking,

and I don't like to go too long before I ask them out.

I want to get it over with right away,

so I just blurt out,

"What are you doing Saturday night?"

And?

She bought.

Great day in the morning.

Then I got off the phone right away.

Sure, it's like robbing a bank.

You don't loiter around in front of the teller

holding that big bag of money.

You make your hit and get out.

You make your hit and get out.

It's amazing.

We both have dates the same night.

I can't remember the last time that happened.

I can't stand doing laundry.

That's why I have 40 pairs of underwear.

You do not. Absolutely,

because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear.

My goal is to have over 360 pair.

That way, I only have to do wash once a year.

[SCOTTISH ACCENT]: Come on, try it.

Let me hear you try a Scottish accent.

That's Irish.

That's Irish.

Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, lassie?

So, uh, thanks for dinner. It was great.

Yeah.

We should do this again.

Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?

Oh, no, thanks.

I can't drink coffee late at night.

I keeps me up.

Oh. So, um...

Okay.

Okay.

Good night.

Yeah, take it easy.

Thanks again for the movie.

You're welcome.

I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted.

Oh, that's okay.

Unless you want to go to your place.

Okay, but there's no cake or anything,

Okay, but there's no cake or anything,

if that's what you're looking for.

Take it easy...

[WHEEZING LAUGH]

Take it easy!

I think if one's going to kill oneself,

the least you could do is leave a note.

It's common courtesy.

I don't know...

that's just the way I was brought up.

Values are important.

Oh, so important.

So, what are you doing Thursday night?

You want to have dinner?

Thursday's great.

Thursday's great.

Tan pants.

Why do I buy tan pants, Donna?

I don't feel comfortable in them.

Are those cotton Dockers?

Oh, I can't begin to tell you

how much I hate that commercial.

Really?

I like that commercial.

You like that commercial?

Yeah, it's clever.

Yeah, it's clever.

Now, wait a second.

You mean the one where the guys are all standing around,

supposedly being very casual and witty?

Yeah, that's the one.

What could you possibly like about that?

I don't know. I like the guys.

Yeah, they're so funny

and so comfortable with each other,

and I could be comfortable too,

if I had pants like that.

I could sit on a porch and wrestle around

and maybe even be part of a real bull session.

Hey, I know guys like that.

Hey, I know guys like that.

To me, the dialogue rings true.

Even if the dialogue did ring true...

Even if somehow, somewhere, men actually talked like that,

what does that have anything to do with the pants?

Doesn't that bother you?

That's the idea.

That is what is clever about it,

that they're not talking about the pants.

But they're talking about nothing!

That's the point! I know the point!

No one is telling you to like it.

I mean, all those quick shots of the pants.

I mean, all those quick shots of the pants.

Just pants, pants, pants,

pants, pants, pants.

What is that supposed to be?

[SIGHS]

What's brutal about the date

is the scrutiny that you put each other through,

because whenever you think about this person

in terms of the future,

you have to magnify everything about them.

You know, like, the guy will be, like,

"I don't think her eyebrows are even.

"I don't think her eyebrows are even.

Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?"

And, of course,

the woman's looking at the guy thinking,

"What is he looking at?

"Do I want someone

looking at me like this for the rest of my life?"

I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday,

but can I go out with someone

that actually likes this commercial?

I once broke up with a guy

because he didn't keep his bathroom clean enough.

No kidding?

Did you tell him that was the reason?

Oh yeah, I told him all the time.

You would not have believed his tub.

You would not have believed his tub.

Germs were building a town in there.

They were constructing offices.

Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

Hi.

You're still thinking about this?

She invites me up at 12:00 at night

for coffee.

And I don't go up.

And I don't go up.

"No thank you, I don't want coffee.

"It keeps me up.

Too late for me to drink coffee."

I said this to her.

People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live.

I can't imagine what she must think of me.

She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.

She invited me up!

Coffee's not coffee! Coffee is sex.

Maybe coffee was coffee.

Coffee's coffee in the morning.

It's not coffee at 12:00 at night.

Well, some people drink coffee that late.

Well, some people drink coffee that late.

Yeah, people who work at NORAD

who are on 24-hour missile watch!

Everything was going along so great.

She was laughing, I was funny.

I kept saying to myself,

"Keep it up. Don't blow it. You're doing great."

It's all in your head.

All she knows is she had a good time.

I think you should call her.

I can't call her now. It's too soon.

I'm planning a Wednesday call.

Why?

I love it when guys call me the next day.

Of course you do,

but you're imagining a guy you like,

not a guy who goes,

not a guy who goes,

"Uh, no, I don't drink coffee late at night. Ha, ha, ha."

If I call her now, she's gonna thing I'm too needy.

Women don't want to see need.

They want a take-charge guy. A colonel. A Kaiser. A czar.

All she'll think is that you like her.

That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid!

She wants you to like her!

Yes, she wants me to like her,

if she likes me.

But she doesn't like me.

I don't know what your parents did to you.

Hey.

Hey! I just thought of

a really funny thing for your act!

All right, you're up there, you're on your stage,

and you go,

"Hey, did you ever notice how cars here in New York,

"they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore?

"Someone's in a life and death situation,

"and we're thinking,

"'Well, sorry, buddy, you should've thought of that

"'when you were eating

"'cheese omelets and sausages for breakfast

every morning for the last 30 years.'"

So you gonna use it?

I don't think so.

What? It's funny.

What? It's funny.

It's funny.

I like to do my own material.

That's as good as anything you do.

All right, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on.

Why do we have to leave?

Because I can't call a woman

with other people in the room.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, see. This is the problem.

You're kicking me out of my house?

Yes.

Don't forget.

Right.

Oh, Jerry, do you have any apples?

Don't do the apples.

It's enough already with the apples.

It's enough already with the apples.

CAROL'S VOICE: Hi, it's Carol. I'll get back to you.

[BEEPS]

Umm...hi.

It's, uh, George.

George Costanza. Remember me?

The guy that didn't come up for coffee.

You see, I didn't realize

You see, I didn't realize

that coffee didn't really mean...

Well, whatever.

Anyway, it was fun.

It was, um...

It was fun.

So, oh boy, um, so... you call me back...

You know, i-i-if you want.

That's up to you, you know. Whatever you want to do.

Either way. The ball's in your court.

Either way. The ball's in your court.

So, uh...take it easy.

JERRY: I'm just going to get my jacket.

I'll meet you downstairs.

What's the matter?

Did you call?

Got her machine.

I'm dead. I'm a dead man. That's it, I'm dead.

I'm a dead man. Dead man.

What did you say?

I don't know what the hell I said.

I gave her an ultimatum, and there's nothing I can do.

It's a machine!

The little light is blinking right now.

"Come and listen to the idiot!

"Come and listen to the idiot!

Hey, everybody! The idiot's on!"

After one date, you try and improvise on a machine?

Now I'm in the worst position of all.

You know, my brother-in-law

once left a message on this guy's machine,

and he blurted out some business information

he wasn't supposed to,

and it would've cost him $15,000,

so he waited outside the guy's house,

and when the guy came home,

he went upstairs with him and switched the tape.

Hmm.

He did that?

Yeah.

Somebody did that?

She'll call you back. You're overreacting.

She'll call you back. You're overreacting.

Not once. Never?

I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life.

Ever.

That's amazing.

Thank you.

Is there anything else about you I should know?

Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.

Really?

I have no patience for lactose...

and I won't stand for it.

Um, I'll be right back.

Wait till you hear this!

Whoa, uh...I'm sorry.

I didn't-- I had no idea.

Wait, wait. He's in the bathroom.

Oh.

Well, I just wanted to talk to him for a minute,

but I'll come back.

You don't have to leave.

You sure?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm Donna.

Donna.

Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial.

He told you that?

No, he didn't actually tell me that.

No, he didn't actually tell me that.

We were talking about that commercial.

In fact, I think I brought it up,

because I like that commercial.

No, he would never actually tell me anything like that.

He never discusses anything. He's-- He's like a clam.

You're not gonna mention this to him...

So you go around telling your friends I'm not hip

because I like that commercial.

What? What did you say?

Say? What? Nothing. I didn't...

You told him how I like the commercial.

Well, so what if I said that?

Well, so you didn't have to tell your friends.

Well, so you didn't have to tell your friends.

No, I had to tell my friends.

My friends didn't have to tell you.

Why'd you have to get me in trouble?

I don't like you talking about me

with your friends behind my back.

Boy, oh, boy.

I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial.

So what?

I asked some friends of mine this week,

and all of them liked the commercial.

Boy, I'll bet you got a regular Algonquin Round Table there.

Hey.

Oh, uh, Kramer, this is Donna.

Oh.

Cotton Dockers!

GEORGE: Hello.

All right, we should be going. Come on.

All right, we should be going. Come on.

Where are we going? Come on.

Don't bother. I'm leaving.

Donna, really, you're making too much of this.

[IMITATES ANNOUNCER] One-hundred percent cotton Dockers.

If they're not Dockers, they're just pants.

Kramer, please. Donna...

I don't want to hear it.

I can't believe I said that.

You know me, I'm a vault.

Don't worry about it. It wasn't working anyway.

What happened there?

I'll tell you later.

You are not gonna believe

what's going on with this woman.

Okay, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday.

Okay, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday.

She doesn't call back.

I call again Monday. I leave another message.

I call Tuesday. I get the machine again,

"I know you're there,

I don't know what your story is."

Yesterday, I'm a volcano. I try one more call,

the machine comes on,

and I let fly like Mussolini from the balcony.

"Where the hell do you get the nerve?

"You invite me up for coffee

"and then you don't call me back for four days?

"I don't like coffee! I don't have to come up!

"I don't like coffee! I don't have to come up!

"I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee,

just so I could spit in your face!"

You said that?

I lost it.

I can't blame you.

I can't believe she never called you back.

She did.

Today.

What?

She called my office.

She said she's been in the Hamptons since Sunday.

She didn't know if I was trying to get in touch with her.

Her machine broke,

and she's been using her old machine,

and she doesn't have the beeper for it.

and she doesn't have the beeper for it.

So she didn't get the messages?

Exactly. But they're on there, waiting.

She said she can't wait to see me.

We're having dinner tonight.

She's supposed to call me as soon as she gets home.

But what about the messages?

Elaine's thing? How are you going to get in?

I'll meet her outside the building.

But you know as soon as she gets in the apartment,

she's going right for that machine.

Unless she goes for the bathroom.

That's my only chance.

Who am I kidding? I can't do this.

Who am I kidding? I can't do this.

I can't do this.

I don't even know how to work those stupid machines.

There's nothing to it.

You lift the lid, it comes right out.

You do it for me.

What?

Come on, it'll be so much easier.

How are you going to get me up there?

I'll tell her I bumped into you,

I'm giving you a ride uptown.

And who makes the switch?

You do. I do?

I can't do it.

I'll keep her busy.

I can't get involved in this.

I think I may be in love with this woman.

I think I may be in love with this woman.

What if she sees me?

Oh, you are such a wuss.

A wuss?

Yeah.

Did you call me a wuss?

Well, there is traffic.

It might take her till 8:15.

I got one problem.

You're keeping her busy in the other room.

Now, what if she somehow gets away from you

and is coming in?

and is coming in?

You have to signal me that she's coming.

A signal. Right, um...

Okay, okay.

The signal is... I'll call out "Tippy toe!"

Tippy toe?

I don't think so.

You don't like tippy toe?

No tippy toe.

All right, uh...

Okay, I got it...

Um...I'll sing.

What song?

Um...

"How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?"

What is that?

Oh, it's a lovely song.

Oh, it's a lovely song.

♪ How do you solve a problem like Maria? ♪

Got anything else?

You pick it.

"Lemon Tree."

Peter, Paul, and Mary?

No, Trini Lopez.

♪ Lemon tree, very pretty ♪

♪ And the lemon flower Is sweet... ♪

Okay.

You got the tape?

Standard. Micro.

How do you feel, confident? I feel good.

You nervous? Not at all.

Get up, get up! It's her!

Oh, the hell with this! I'm scared to death!

Oh, the hell with this! I'm scared to death!

Just walk away! It's off. Cancel everything! Go!

Hi. What are you doing here?

I thought I was supposed to call you

when I got home.

I couldn't wait. I was too anxious to see you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, this is my friend, Jerry Seinfeld.

I just bumped into him around the corner.

Isn't that a coincidence?

The funny thing is, I see him all the time.

All the time.

It's nice to meet you.

Hi.

So I'm starving. Where are we gonna eat?

You know, we could go uptown,

You know, we could go uptown,

and that way, we could give Jerry a ride home.

Okay, let's go.

I'm ready. Where'd you park?

Don't you want to go upstairs first?

No, what for?

I'll just give my bag to the doorman.

You know...

I really need to use the bathroom.

Oh, well, there's a bathroom

in the coffee shop just next door.

Yes, yes, but...

I have to make a call, so...

Well, they have a phone.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

I know Jerry... Crazy...

He has this phobia about public toilets.

It's...

I think we really should go upstairs.

You know, I think I will go upstairs.

I can check my machine.

Right. Right.

The bathroom's down the hall to the right.

Uh, you know, why don't you go first?

Uh, you know, why don't you go first?

You just had a long trip. No, I'm fine.

Um...

You know, it's the damnedest thing...

It went away.

Well, that's weird.

Uh, no, no. That can happen.

I've read about that in medical journals.

It's a freak thing.

Well, let me just check my messages, and we'll go.

Uh, Carol, could I talk to you for a second?

Right now. Sure.

Please. This is-- This is very important.

GEORGE: Tippy toe! Tippy toe! Uh, lemon tree!

Now I know who you are!

You're a comedian. I've seen you.

It's been driving me crazy!

Right. I am.

Carol, that's so rude.

Please, I'm serious, just for a moment,

if you wouldn't mind, and then we'll talk to Jerry.

Hey, you two, I'm ready to go.

That's what you had to tell me?

Your father wears sneakers in the pool?

Don't you find that strange?

Yes.

Well, I'll just check my machine and we'll go.

Nope, nothing here. Let's go.

Nope, nothing here. Let's go.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

After I talked to you today, my neighbor called me

and played my messages for me over the phone.

Oh, I...

Yours were hilarious! We were both cracking up.

I just love jokes like that.

I love my phone machine.

I wish I was a phone machine.

I wish if I saw somebody on the street

I didn't want to talk to,

I didn't want to talk to,

I could go, "Excuse me, I'm not in right now.

"If you could just leave a message,

I could walk away."

I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much,

because you can't slam down a cordless phone.

You get mad at somebody on a real phone,

"You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know.

Cordless phone,

"You can't talk to me like that..."

I told him.

[♪]