Original subtitles

I'm always in traffic with the lane expert.

You know this type of person?

Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice.

Never quite sure.

"Is this the best lane for me for my life?"

They're always a little bit ahead of you.

"Can I get in over there?"

"Could I get ahead of you? Could I get in there?"

"Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zooming over here.

This is the secret lane. Nobody knows about it."

The ultimate--

I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic

is the total dead stop.

Not even rolling,

Not even rolling,

and you look out the window, you can see gum clearly.

But we know that in the future,

traffic will get even worse than that.

I mean, what will happen?

Will it start moving backwards, I wonder?

Is that possible?

That someday, we'll be going,

"Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy.

"This... is really bad.

"I'm going to try and get off

and get back on, going the other way."

[HORNS HONKING]

She can't kill me, right?

No, of course not.

People break up all the time. Every day.

It just didn't work out.

What can I do?

I wanted to love her. I tried to love her.

I couldn't.

You tried.

I'd be looking at her face,

I'd go, "Come on. Love her, love her."

Did you tell her you loved her?

Oh, I had no choice.

She squeezed it out of me.

She'd tell me she loved me, all right?

So, at first, I'd just look at her.

I'd go, "Oh, really?"

I'd go, "Oh, really?"

Or "boy, that's-- that's something,"

but eventually, you have to come back

with, "well, I love you."

You can only hold out for so long.

You're a human being.

I didn't ask even her out. She asked me out first.

She called me up.

What was I supposed to do, say no?

I can't.

You're too nice a guy.

I am. I'm a nice guy.

And then she seduced me.

We're in my apartment,

I'm sitting on the couch, she's on the chair.

I get up to go to the bathroom,

I come back, she's on the couch!

I come back, she's on the couch!

What am I supposed to do, not do anything?

I couldn't do that.

That would have insulted her.

You're flesh and blood.

I had nothing to do with any of this.

[SIGHING] I met all her friends.

I didn't want to meet them.

I kept trying to avoid it.

I knew it would only get me in deeper,

but they were everywhere.

The kept popping up all over the place.

"This is Nancy. This is Susan. This is Amy.

"This is my cousin. This is my brother.

This is my father."

I'm in quicksand here.

I told you when I met her.

My back is killing me.

You gotta go to my chiropractor.

He's the best.

He's the best.

Oh, everybody's guy is the best.

I'm gonna make an appointment for you.

We'll go together.

Please. They don't do anything.

Look, do I have to break up with her in person?

Can't I do it over the phone?

I have no stomach for these things.

You should just do it like a Band-aid...

one motion-- right off!

Hi!

Hi.

What are you doing?

I'm letting you in.

Oh, no, I don't want to sit in back.

I'll be left out of the conversation.

No, you won't.

Yes, I will, George.

I'll have to stick my chin on top of the seat.

I'll have to stick my chin on top of the seat.

[WHINING] Okay.

Why can't you sit in the middle?

Please.

It doesn't look good-- boy, boy, girl.

Ah, I think you're afraid to sit next to a man.

You're a little homophobic, aren't you?

Is it that obvious?

Hello, Jerry.

Hello.

Did you get a haircut?

Nope. Shower.

So, where are we eating?

ELAINE: Tell me if you think this is strange.

There's this guy who lives in my building

who I was introduced to a couple years ago by a friend.

He's a, uh, teacher or something.

He's a, uh, teacher or something.

Anyway, after we met, whenever we'd run into each other

In the street, or in the lobby, or whatever,

we would stop and we would chat a little bit.

Nothing much, you know, pleasantries.

He's a nice guy, he's got a family.

Then after a while,

I noticed there was no more stopping,

just sort of saying hello and continuing on our way.

And then the verbal hellos stopped,

and we just went into

these little sort of nods of recognition.

So fine.

I figure that's where this relationship

is finally going to settle-- polite nodding.

is finally going to settle-- polite nodding.

Then one day, he doesn't nod.

Hmm.

Like I don't exist.

He went from nods to nothing.

♪ You know I'd go From nods to nothing ♪

And now there's this intense animosity

whenever we pass.

I mean, it's like we really hate each other.

It's based on nothing.

A relationship is an organism.

You created this thing, and then you starved it,

so it turned against you.

Same thing happened in The Blob.

I think you absolutely

have to say something to this guy.

Confront him.

Confront him.

Really? Yes!

Would you do that?

If I was a different person.

JERRY: Hello?

Hello. Is Glen there?

Oh, I'm sorry. Is this 805-555-3234?

Yes, I know I have the wrong number,

but I just want to know if I dialed wrong or--

Why do people do that?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Come on up.

Come on up.

Oh, it's you again.

See, now, if you had answered me,

I wouldn't have had to do this.

Now, that's two long distance calls

I've made to you.

Why can't you--?

Why? Why do they just hang up like that?

Thank you very much.

Taste this.

No, I just had a sandwich.

No, taste it. Taste it.

I don't want cantaloupe.

You never had cantaloupe like this.

I only eat cantaloupe at certain times--

But, Jerry, this is great cantaloupe.

All right!

There. Huh?

It's very good. It's good, huh?

It's good.

I got it at Joe's. Uh-huh.

49 cents a pound. Mm.

That's practically half of what you're paying

at the supermarket.

I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.

It's too far.

[TV PLAYING]

It's three blocks further.

You can use my shopping cart.

I'm not pulling a shopping cart.

Should I wear a kerchief, put stockings on,

and roll 'em down below my knee?

See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything,

he takes it right back.

I don't return fruit.

I don't return fruit.

Fruit's a gamble.

I know that going in.

♪ Ye-di-di-di-di-di-di... ♪

[GEORGE HUMMING]

I'm out of there! I did it! It's over!

You did it? What happened?

I told her, in the kitchen, which was risky,

because it's near all the knives.

I started with the word "listen."

Uh-huh.

I said, "Listen, Marlene..."

Next thing I know, I'm in the middle of it,

and there's this voice inside of me going,

and there's this voice inside of me going,

"You're doing it-- you're doing it!"

And then she started to cry, and I weakened a little bit.

I almost relented,

but the voice, Jerry, the voice said, "Keep going.

Keep going. You're almost out."

It's-- it's like I was making a prison break.

You know, and I'm heading for the wall,

and I trip and I twist my ankle,

and they throw that light on you, you know?

Somehow, I get through the crying,

and I keep running.

[SIGHS] Then the cursing started.

She's firing from guard towers.

"Son of a--" Bang! "Son of a--" Boom!

"Son of a--" Bang! "Son of a--" Boom!

I get to the top of the wall, the front door,

I open it up, I'm one foot away,

I take one last look around the penitentiary,

and I jump!

See? Never as bad as you imagine.

I like that Marlene.

What's her number?

Uh... yeah. No, I-- I don't think so.

[LIPS SMACKING]

Could you stop that smacking?

George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe.

Oh, no, thank you.

It's the best cantaloupe I ever had.

No, really. No. No, thanks.

Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is.

Jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is.

Very good cantaloupe.

Du...oh!

So that's it? Yeah.

You're out.

Except for one small problem.

I, um...

I-- I left some books in her apartment.

So? Go get them.

Oh, no, no. I can't go back there.

Jerry, it's so awkward, and, you know,

it could be dangerous-- sexually.

Something could happen.

I'd be right back where I started from.

So forget about the books.

Did you read them?

Did you read them?

Well, yeah.

What do you need 'em for?

I don't know. They're books.

What is this obsession people have with books?

They put them in their houses like they're trophies.

What do you need it for after you read it?

They're my books.

So you want me to get the books, is that it?

MARLENE: So it must have been

95 degrees that night,

and everyone's just standing around the pool,

with little drinks in their hands.

I was wearing my old jeans and t-shirt.

I was wearing my old jeans and t-shirt.

I don't know.

I was just in one of those moods,

so I said to myself, "Marlene, just do it,"

and I jumped in.

And as I'm getting out, I feel all these eyes on me.

So, I look up

and everyone is just staring at me.

So what did you do?

Well, nothing.

It's no skin off my hide if people like to look.

I just didn't see what the big attraction was.

Well, I have a general idea what it was.

I could take a guess.

I could take a guess.

Hey, you know, Jerry,

just because George and I don't see each other anymore,

it doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends.

No.

Good enough.

I'm really glad we got that settled.

Great.

JERRY: I don't know how this happened.

Jerry, it's not my fault.

No, no, it's not your fault.

"Books, books, I need my books."

"Books, books, I need my books."

Have you re-read those books yet, by the way?

You know the great thing?

When you read Moby Dick the second time,

Ahab and the whale become good friends.

You know, it's not like

Marlene's a bad person or anything,

but, my God!

I mean, we've had, like, three lunches and a movie,

and she never stops calling.

And it's those meaningless, purposeless

blather calls.

She never asks if I'm busy or anything.

I just pick up the phone,

I just pick up the phone,

and she's in the middle of a sentence.

It's... it's standard.

Has she left you one of those messages

Which uses up the whole machine?

Oh, and you know, sometimes she'll go,

"Hello, Jerry?"

And I'll go,

[MONOTONOUSLY] "Oh, hi, Marlene."

And then it's, "Jerry...

I don't know sometimes." "I don't know sometimes."

What about trying to get off the phone?

Oh!

You can't! It's impossible.

There's no break in the conversation

There's no break in the conversation

where you can go, "all right, then..."

You know, it just goes on and on and on

without a break in the wall.

I mean, I've got to put a stop this.

Do it like a Band-aid.

One motion-- right off!

She is sexy, though, don't you think?

Yeah.

Yeah, she is.

Mr. Costanza?

Yeah?

The doctor will see you.

Yeah. "Doctor."

I'm gonna have to wait

in that little room all by myself,

aren't I?

I better take this.

I hate the little room.

Oh, hello, "doctor."

The waiting room,

I hate when they make you wait in the room.

It says "waiting room."

There's no chance of not waiting.

Since they call it "the waiting room,"

they're gonna use it.

They've got it.

It's all set up for you to wait.

And you sit there, you know,

And you sit there, you know,

and you got your little magazine.

You pretend you're reading it,

but you're really looking at the other people.

You know you're thinking about them.

Things like, "I wonder what he's got."

"As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine."

And then they finally call you, and it's a very exciting moment.

They finally call you, and you stand up,

and you kind of look around at the other people in the room,

"Well... I guess I've been chosen.

"Well... I guess I've been chosen.

I'll see you all later."

You know, and so you think you're going to see the doctor,

but you're not, are you? No.

You're going into the next waiting room--

the littler waiting room.

But if they are, you know,

doing some sort of medical thing to you,

You want to be

in the smallest room that they have.

You don't want to be in the largest room

that they have, you know what I mean?

You ever see these operating theaters

with, like, stadium seating?

with, like, stadium seating?

You don't want them doing anything to you

that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this."

"Are you kidding?

"Are they gonna really do that to him?

"Are there seats? Can we get in?

Do they scalp tickets to these things?

"I got two for the Winslow tumor.

I got two."

So, how was it?

I was in there for two minutes.

He didn't do anything.

He didn't do anything.

Touch this, feel that-- 75 bucks.

Well, it's a first visit.

It's 75 bucks.

What, am I seeing Sinatra in there?

Am I being entertained? I don't understand this.

I'm only paying half.

You can't do that.

Why not?

He's a doctor. You got to pay what he says.

Oh, no, no, no.

I pay what I say.

You feeling weird?

You feeling weird?

No.

I'm fine.

Nothing really happened.

Yeah.

I know.

We just kissed a little.

People kiss.

Yeah.

Well...

Night.

Good night.

Hey.

Hey.

I got it. This time I got it.

All right.

Hips! See?

It's all in the hips. All right.

Come through with the hips first.

Whoosh!

That is out there.

Definitely.

Joe's?

No. Supermarket.

Well, is it good?

It's, uh, it's okay.

Well, let me taste it.

Well, let me taste it.

Oh. See? That stinks.

You can't eat that.

You should take that back. I'm not taking it back.

All right. I'll take it back. I'm going by there.

I don't care about it.

Jerry, you should care.

Cantaloupe like this

should be taken out of circulation.

All right. Take it back.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

No. No...

Leave a message. I'll call you back.

MARLENE: Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark?

I'm not talking into the soap right now.

Call me back.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

Who was that?

Marlene.

Mar--

Oh... Oh.

Marlene.

I took her home one night

and we kind of started up a little bit in the car.

I thought you were trying to get rid of her.

I was, but she's got me, like, hypnotized or something.

Does George know?

No. He'd go nuts.

Yeah, no kidding.

I feel terrible.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

I mean, I've seen her a couple of times since then,

and I know I can't go any further,

but I-- I--

she's got this psychosexual hold over me.

I just want her.

I can't breathe. It's like a drug.

[SIGHING] Psychosexual.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell him.

Man, I don't understand people.

I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure?

I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure?

Is it just me?

It's partially you, yeah.

You're his friend.

I mean, better that she should sleep with someone else?

Some jerk that he doesn't know?

Well, he can't kill me, right?

You're a human being.

I mean, and she called me.

I never called her. She started it!

You're flesh and blood.

I'm a nice guy!

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Ah, my little airplane lamp.

Mm.

You have the slowest elevator in the entire city.

You have the slowest elevator in the entire city.

That's hard to get used to

when you're in so many other fast ones.

Well, the apartment elevators are always slower than offices

because you don't have to be home on time.

Unless you're married to a dictator.

Yeah.

Because they'd be very demanding people.

That's right. Exactly.

So, I imagine, at some point,

somebody's gonna offer me some cantaloupe?

No. No good.

Well, you know what they say.

Lucky in love, unlucky with fruit.

Well, I'm taking this back.

Well, I'm taking this back.

So, I had what you might call

a little encounter this morning.

Really? That guy who stopped saying hello?

Yeah. You talk to him?

Yeah, I spotted him getting his mail,

and, at first, I was just going to walk on by.

But then I thought, "No, no, no, no.

Do not be afraid of this man."

Right.

So I walked up behind him

and tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hi. Remember me?"

And he furrows his brow,

as if he's really trying to figure it out.

as if he's really trying to figure it out.

So I said to him,

I said, "You little phony. You know exactly who I am."

You said "you little phony"?

I did. I most certainly did.

And he said, he goes, "Oh, yeah, you're Jeanette's friend.

We did meet once."

And I said, "Well, how do you go from that

to ignoring a person when they walk by?"

This is amazing.

And he says-- he says,

"Look, I just didn't want to say hello anymore, all right?"

And I said, "Fine! Fine!

And I said, "Fine! Fine!

"I didn't want to say hello anymore either,

but I wanted you to know that I'm aware of it."

You are the queen of confrontation.

You're my new hero.

In fact, you've inspired me.

I'm going to call George about something right now.

Oh...

This cantaloupe stinks.

I don't care.

You're kidding?

You're kidding?

No. I don't care.

You mean that?

Absolutely.

You don't care? No.

How could you not care?

I don't know, but I don't.

I'm actually almost happy to hear it.

I thought you'd be upset.

Well, I guess I should be, but I'm not.

Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible?

You're a fine person.

You're a humanitarian.

She's very sexy.

That voice, that voice. She's driving me crazy.

I know. I know.

So I can see her tonight and you don't care?

See her tonight, see her tomorrow. Go.

See her tonight, see her tomorrow. Go.

Knock yourself out.

She's too crazy for me.

All right, as long as you're okay.

Because I can't stop thinking about her.

I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm wonderful.

I never felt better in my whole life.

Good.

And I'll tell you what.

You don't have to pay me back the $35

I gave the chiropractor for the rest of your bill.

You paid that crook?

I had to.

He didn't do anything! Jerry, it's a scam!

Who told you to do that?

It was embarrassing to me.

Oh, I trying to make a point.

Why don't you make a point with your own doctor?

Yeah, but J--

[HACKING]

What's wrong?

I think I swallowed a fly.

Oh, God.

I swallowed a fly!

What do I do? What can happen?

So, you want to come up for a few minutes?

I'm sorry, Jerry.

I just don't think this is gonna work.

Really?

I thought--

I know.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Gee... I just didn't expect it

from the way you've been acting.

Are you sure you want to talk about this?

Because I sure don't.

Of course I want to talk about it.

Well, okay.

I guess things changed for me

on Tuesday night.

Tuesday night?

What happened Tuesday night?

I saw your act.

My act?

What does that have to do with anything?

What does that have to do with anything?

Well, to be honest, it just didn't make it for me.

It's just so much fluff.

I can't believe this.

So what are you saying? You didn't like my act?

So that's it?

I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.

You're a cashier.

Look, Jerry, it wasn't my kind of humor.

You can't go by the audience that night.

It was late. They were terrible.

It was late. They were terrible.

I heard the material.

I have other stuff.

You should come see me on the weekend.

Women need to like the job of the guy they're with.

If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy.

Men know this.

Which is why we make up

the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have.

"Right now,

"I'm the regional management supervisor.

I'm in development, research, consulting."

I'm in development, research, consulting."

Men, on the other hand,

if they are physically attracted to a woman,

are not that concerned with her job, are we?

Men don't really care.

Men will just go,

"Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work?

"That sounds interesting.

"So, what, you got a big cleaver there?

"You just lopping their heads off?

"That sounds great.

"Listen, why don't you shower up,

and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie?"

[♪]