Original subtitles

Well, come on in, if you're coming.

Lord, Reverend Trimble sure knows how to preach a funeral.

If it's one thing I love, it's a well-preached funeral.

Over here.

Yeah, Esther, you would love a funeral.

That's just your speed. Amen.

You got to give credit to Ruth Ann.

She sure put Junior Cooper away in style.

It was the kind of funeral

you see advertised in The Mortician's Digest.

What do you know about The Mortician's Digest?

She posed for the centerfold.

Say, listen, let's talk about something else.

Poor Junior.

Mm, mm, mm.

I can't get over how he went so fast.

Hm.

Just up and died out of the clear blue sky.

Yes, he did.

And for no particular reason.

It's a shame.

Amen.

Hey, listen, maybe you all didn't hear me.

I said let's talk about something cheerful.

We just can't sit around like nothing happened.

Junior Cooper was our friend. Right.

And I feel the loss.

I do, too. Yeah.

I feel the loss more than all of you.

He died owing me $9.47.

Say, anybody know what Junior died of?

Nobody knows.

He was always sort of a hypochondriac.

You mean an alcohol-iac.

Someone told me Junior's liver went out.

And as much as he used to drink,

I don't blame his liver for leaving.

Say, how you supposed to take care of your liver?

I'll tell you the way I take care of mine.

I flour it and fry it, then smother it in onions.

I been having trouble hearing out of my left ear.

I wonder what that's a sign of?

That's a sign of earwax, Bubba.

And I suggest you use Q-tips.

Hey, listen, I don't wanna hear no more

about dying and sickness.

I'm having me a glass of Ripple.

I'll have a taste.

Just what we need to cheer us up.

You mean to tear you up.

You all should be ashamed.

How can you drink right after a funeral?

Like this.

Give me another one of them, Grady.

Fred Sanford, you just left the house of the Lord.

And now I'm in my house.

All of y'all ought to be ashamed.

Drinking like a school of fish.

My Bible says, "Be not drunk with wine."

What it say about Scotch?

That's what I wanna know.

Listen.

Hey, Esther, why don't you go someplace else?

Why don't you go ugly up somebody else's house?

Who you calling ugly, sucker?

You.

I could throw some tracing paper over your head

and draw me a moose face.

Hey, Pop. Aunt Esther. Everybody.

Hey, Lamont.

How was the funeral?

Beautiful, Lamont.

And Reverend Trimble preached a beautiful eulogy.

I didn't believe a word of it, but it was beautiful.

And Junior sure looked natural laying there, didn't he?

How he look natural, he didn't raise up

and say nothing about my $9.47?

I can't understand how come

it's always the good people that have to go?

And at the tender age of 64.

Only 64.

Say that's two years younger than you, Fred.

Ain't nobody asked you how old the man was.

Let's talk about something else.

Yeah, you all need to talk about something else.

You're just depressing yourselves.

If you did something meaningful with your lives,

you wouldn't have time to sit around here

and worry about dying.

Meaningful like what? Like work.

Work? That's right.

That'll kill you.

That's right.

This good friend of mine, Willard Ross...

Willie Ross? Yeah.

Worked his self to death.

He was mixing some cement

and he had a heart attack and died.

He fell right into the bucket

and the cement hardened and they had to chip it away

before they could bury him.

It was just his time to go.

The Lord put him here to lay cement,

and when the Lord figured his cement-laying days was over,

he called him home.

The Lord could have gave him a break

and let him live a little bit longer,

get some of that Social Security money.

That's blasphemy, Fred Sanford,

and I'm not gonna be guilty by association.

Good.

I don't wanna associate with you anyway.

Look, Aunt Esther, you don't have to leave.

That's all right, Lamont.

I was just waiting to say hello to you anyway.

Besides, I have to go to a funeral.

A funeral? You just left one.

This one is hers, can't you tell?

Go on and laugh, but you won't be laughing on the last day

when you stand before the Lord in judgment.

"Behold!

There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Esther, if you don't get out of here,

there's gonna be some weeping and some smashing of teeth.

Heathen!

All of you are a bunch of heathens!

I won't have to be abiding with you all in heaven.

All of you going to hell!

Bat!

Let's drink to the bat leaving.

I'll drink to that.

Hey, look, why don't guys stop all this drinking?

You're only gonna make yourselves depressed.

Now why don't you do something

to pick up your spirits, all right?

You know, for once Lamont was right.

Let's talk about something pleasant...

while we pick up our spirits.

Yeah.

That's right because life is too short to always be worrying

about the whereabouts of the Grim Reaper.

We ain't here long enough to enjoy ourselves.

Grady, when's the last time you had a date?

Last night.

Remember you and me sat right here and watched Star Trek.

No, Grady, I mean a date with a woman.

Oh, that kind.

See that, you don't even remember.

Why can't we have us a party?

I got the place.

I got the taste.

All we gotta do is round up some girls

and then we can have our own party.

Hot dog, a frog! I know just the women we want.

Who? The Butt Sisters.

Oh, man, not them!

Not the Butt Sisters.

Hell no, not the Butt Sisters.

Anybody but the Butt Sisters.

We wanna have a party, not a sideshow.

Well, who do you wanna invite?

Well, I don't know.

You know, somebody with some oomph.

You know, like that guy on the radio, uh, Wolfman Jack.

Hey, look here, baby.

Yeah, we got you here...

We're gonna have somebody here make your liver quiver

and put some glide in your stride.

Yeah, and put some cut in your strut.

Yeah, baby.

Any y'all know anybody like that?

I think I know somebody who would be right up our alley.

Who? Fast Fanny.

She works as a topless waitress

at the bowling alley down the block.

You know her?

Well, I sort of know her.

And I figure she owes me a favor.

She spilled a drink in my lap once and I still tipped her.

Yeah?

Well, look, Grady,

do you think you could get Fast Fanny

to bring some of her friends over here to our party?

Well, it's worth a try.

I'll run right on over there now and see what I can do.

Yeah. You do that, Grady, and you fellas,

I'm gonna straighten around the house up here.

And you guys, go home and take a bath

and change and put on some fresh socks.

And look here, one more thing.

Change your drawers.

♪ That's all they serve At night ♪

♪ Back in Nagasaki Where the fellers chew tobaccy ♪

♪ And the women do the wacky woo ♪

♪ Fujiyama, grab your momma ♪

♪ Wrap your troubles In a dream, boy ♪

♪ North and South Dakota Wake up in the morning ♪♪

How's your lunch, son?

Fine, Pop. Hey, I'm glad to see you're in a good mood, man,

and you're not depressed anymore.

Oh, no, I'm taking your advice.

I'm doing something meaningful with my life.

Really? You gonna do some work?

No. I figure you only go around once.

And you gotta grab all the gusto you can.

So from now on, I'm gonna be a gusto-grabber.

Oh, really? What kind of gusto you plan on grabbing?

Any kind I get my grabbers on.

What about your arthritis?

Better to grab with, my son.

What about your heart?

Well, as long as my grabber is grabbing,

my ticker will be ticking.

Just gonna be fun, fun, fun, huh?

Right. Fun, fun, fun, son.

Bring on the wine, women and the song.

Pop, at your age, you can't afford to do that.

Why not?

Because if you have too much wine and women,

the song is gonna be "Nearer My God to Thee."

You don't know what you're talking about.

All right.

Listen, you enjoy your lunch.

I'll get that.

♪ Oo-ooh Ay-aay ♪

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Hey, Grady, that was fast.

And Fast Fanny's fast.

Yeah, Fred.

Fanny had a few minutes, so she came right on over.

Fred, I'd like for you to meet Fast Fanny

and Fanny, meet Fred Sanford.

Hello, Mr. Sanford.

Uh, don't be too formal.

Just call me Freddy, like in Ready Freddy.

Hey, hey, Fanny, I'm glad you were free.

Well, I'm not exactly free, but I'm reasonable.

I told you she was fast.

Yeah, she sure is.

Fanny, come over here and sit down.

Oh, all right.

Uh, look, I guess, uh, uh, Shady Grady

told you about the party we planning on tonight.

Yes, he did.

But first let's get an understanding established.

Yeah, by all means.

Are all the men at this party about your age?

Yeah, why?

Well, because me and my girlfriends

don't wanna be responsible for any heart attacks.

Oh, you don't have to worry

about nothing like that happening.

And another thing, if you want this party to move,

I mean really take off,

just make sure there's plenty to eat, plenty to drink

and a lot of good music.

Yeah, well, we plan to boogie-woogie all night long.

Yeah. We just let our hair down

and let everybody go with themselves.

Yeah. And my destination is in sight.

You're cute.

How many of my friends do you want me to bring?

Oh, let me see. Uh, there's Shady Grady.

That's me.

And there's, uh... There's Slick Skillet

and there's, uh, Big Boy Bubba

and Lucky Leroy and... and...

About four of them.

Okay. And, uh, which one is he?

Oh, that's Left-out Lamont.

You see, he... He won't be at the party.

Oh, that's too bad. He's kind of cute.

Yeah, you ain't seen him when he gets up in the morning.

Say, uh, Fred, I gotta get Fanny

back over to the bowling alley now.

Hey, thanks a lot there, Grady.

And thanks, Fanny.

And Fanny...? Uh, Fanny...?

What's your last name?

Fast, faster and out of sight. Yeah!

Pop, you're not really gonna have that party here, are you?

I mean, I know you're not gonna have it here.

Oh, no? Well, you just watch.

This is just the beginning.

See, I intend to party lightly, slightly, politely,

and, if possible, all nightly.

Excuse me.

Hey, Poppa... Oh, no.

Hey, Pop!

Pop!

What?

What is all of this junk doing down here?

What do you expect to find in a junkyard, dummy?

I'm talking about all this party junk.

It looks like you're planning on having an orgy.

I don't believe this, man. I just don't believe it.

You don't believe what?

What have you got on?

It's a Superfly suit. What does it look like?

It looks like you got on a floral arrangement

from Junior Cooper's funeral.

Well, who asked you?

Where'd you get that thing from anyway?

This ain't no thing and I got it down the street

at a going-back-to-jail sale.

It only cost me six bucks

and the guy who sold it to me got six months.

You know, you really act silly for an old man.

Why don't you try acting your age

instead of your shoe size?

You keep talking to me like that and you'll feel my shoe size.

I don't wanna hear nothing you gotta say

and you're not gonna talk me out of giving this party.

Yeah, well, I'm not just gonna stand around here

and watch you make a fool out of yourself.

I shouldn't even let you have this party in the house anyway.

Let me have it? Are you a fool, fool?

Whose name is on the deed to this house?

Yours.

Whose name is on all three of the mortgages?

Yours.

Well, then whose house is it?

The finance company's.

Well, you know what I'm talking about.

This is my house. And this is my party.

And if you don't wanna stay at the party,

you could find you somewhere else to go tonight

because we gonna boogie-woogie here all night long.

The door. Would you get that for me?

I wish you could see how ridiculous you look.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Let's get it on. Let's get it together.

Hey, look at Fred's suit.

Man, you look clean!

Good goobully-woo.

I hope them girls don't scare easy, Fred,

because that suit's a monster.

Say, Fred, that's one of them Superman suits, ain't it?

Superfly, Bubba. Superfly.

Say, where are all the girls?

Don't be impatient. They ain't here yet.

Yeah, I figured we'd need a little time

to get ourselves together before they arrive.

And I got just the thing to get us together.

Ooh, yeah.

I can stand that. Yeah, how about that?

All right. Yes, indeed.

I'm ready for this. Yes, sir. Mm-hm.

I think it's only right

we should drink to Junior Cooper.

You know one thing?

That's true, because if Junior hadn't died,

we wouldn't be here having all this fun.

Right.

I knew Junior Cooper was gonna be good for something.

To Junior Cooper!

To Junior Cooper!

Why don't you grab yourself a drink and join the party.

Uh, no thanks, Grady.

You guys go ahead. Just count me out.

You party-pooper.

Why don't you take your wet blanket someplace else?

Listen.

Hey...

Hey, hey, hey!

You all remember how we used to do the Lindy Hop?

Who? I invented it.

Watch this.

Go ahead.

Go, go, go, Leroy.

Go on, Leroy, ha, ha!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Uh, hello, brother, can I speak to Fanny?

Yeah, Fast Fanny.

Hello, Fast Fanny?

Uh, this is Lamont Sanford.

Yeah, Left-out Lamont.

Listen, you're supposed to be coming

to a party at my Pop's house tonight.

Oh, no, no, no. They're still having a party.

It's just that, it'll be a little late, see,

because the liquor got delayed.

Yeah, well, listen, uh...

I'm gonna come over to the bowling alley

and walk you and the ladies over here

so you won't get mugged on the way.

Yeah, well, I think I'm sweet too. Bye.

Hey, listen, any of you guys remember Wham?

Yeah. Yeah!

Let's do Wham.

Okay.

♪ Wham be-vop to boom vam ♪

♪ I can swing it I been down ♪

♪ Wham re-bop to boom bam ♪

♪ I'm gonna get some bootie Yes, I am ♪

♪ Wham be-bop to boom bam ♪

♪ I can do the Suzie-Q ♪

♪ Wham be-bop to boom bam ♪

♪ If I can do it so can you ♪

♪ Folks say Swing won't stay ♪

♪ And it's dying out ♪

♪ I don't want you in my crew ♪

♪ You don't know what You're talking about ♪♪

Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Hold it!

Hold it. Phew.

I better take it easy.

I don't wanna be all whammed out when the girls get here.

Yeah, I'm kind of tired myself.

My heart's going like a racehorse,

and we ain't even got in the gate yet.

Hey, hey, hey, what is going on out here?

I thought y'all was having a party.

How come you're so quiet?

Ain't nothing going on, son.

We just wanna rest up

because we don't wanna be all sweaty when the girls get here.

Yeah, but you can't have no party

sitting around here like this.

You've got to have drinks and music and dancing.

Come on. This is a party.

Yeah, you're right, son.

No one sits around here.

Skillet, come on out here and show me that soft-shoe

that you supposed to be famous for.

Aw, you don't know about that. That's before your time.

Well, try me. Try you?

Yes. Come on. This is supposed to be a party.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

Oh, now wait a minute, now.

Don't tell me you're getting tired already, Skillet.

I'm not tired, I'm exhausted.

You're getting older, Skillet.

Let me at the young blood.

Can you do the Lindy Hop, Lamont?

No, you gotta show me that one, Leroy.

I'll show it to you. Come on, let's jump.

Let's show him.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That ain't no Lindy Hop.

Come on, Grady,

let's show them the way to do this.

Yeah. Yeah.

Say, Fred, remember how we used to slow drag?

Now wait a minute.

I ain't gonna slow drag, Grady.

I ain't gonna do that.

I'll wait till Fast Fanny gets here.

Now you have to dance by yourself.

No, no, that's all right.

Okay. How about you, Bubba?

Man, you must be crazy. I'm Leroy's partner.

That's it, yeah. Whoa! That's it.

We're supposed to be having a party.

Now let's have a party.

Let me see these glasses over here.

You got two glasses? Thank you.

This is supposed...

♪ Gonna have some fun tonight ♪♪

Well, here we are, ladies.

Hey, sounds like they're really getting down in there.

Yeah, I don't think you can get any more down

than they are right now.

What are we waiting for? Yeah, let's do it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let me just go in there and see if all systems are go.

Oh. All right.

Yeah, it's green lights all the way.

It's party time, ladies, and here they are!

Say, what is this, a joke?

No, no, no, no.

This ain't no joke.

No, now you know this ain't no joke.

These are your party partners.

Now over here you've got Bad Boy Bubba.

There's Lucky Leroy.

Down there is Slick Skillet.

And over here, you got Shady Grady

and here's the ringleader, Ready Freddy.

Ready for what? The bone-yard?

Fanny, is this the good time you promised us?

Ain't this some stuff?

Of all the jive turkeys, these buzzards take the cake.

They even drank up all the liquor.

I ain't never going to another senior citizens' party

in my life.

Me, neither. Let's get out of here.

♪ The old gray dudes ♪

♪ They ain't what They used to be ♪

♪ Ain't what they used to be ♪

♪ Ain't what... ♪♪

Morning, Pop.

Ah! Don't fire that gun.

Hey, man, I see you regained consciousness.

You know what I think?

I think you grabbed for a little bit too much gusto.

Yeah, son.

Ready Freddy gonna be Sensible Sanford.

I'm gonna take that...

I'm gonna take that Superfly suit down to the pawnshop

and throw the ticket away.

Now, that's the way I like to hear my old man talk.

Oh, I almost forgot, Pop. This came for you in the mail.

Read it for me, son. It hurts me to focus my eyes.

Hey, it's from Fast Fanny.

This admits one to the grand opening

of the Magic Fingers Massage Parlor.

Hey, give me that.

Magic Fingers.

Jefferson and Crenshaw.

Wait. Wait a minute, now.

Don't tell me you're going to a massage parlor.

No, I'm going to the pawnshop,

then I'm going to the massage parlor.

I thought you said you was gonna be sensible, Pop?

Well, what could be more sensible than that?

It's free, ain't it?

Oh, man, look at you.

You ain't in no shape to go nowhere.

Don't tell me what to do. I'm grown.

Oh!

Hey, son, what's that... What's that out there?

Daylight.

Oh... Here, son, you take this suit to the pawnshop.

I'm gonna get me some rest.

Hey, hey, son.

What?

After you leave the pawnshop,

stop by the massage parlor

and see if they make house calls.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.