Original subtitles

♪ Baby, here I stand Before you ♪

♪ With my heart in my hand ♪

♪ I want you to read it Mama ♪

♪ Hoping That you'll understand ♪

♪ And that's the truth, baby ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Well, you know I wouldn't lie... ♪♪

Hey, Pop, what you doing?

Oh, I'm fixing a few snacks for later on.

See, I take a piece of baloney

and wrap it around some cheese and onion

and garlic and call it "the Look-away."

Well, why you call it that?

Because after you eat one of them

and go to talk to somebody, they look away...

See, I got the recipe

out of the food section of the Sunday paper.

See, here it is, right here.

It says, uh,

"Tempt your guests with this delicious,

appetizing horse diver."

Wait a minute.

Let me see that.

That's not "horse diver." That's French.

That's "hoors de ovary."

Oh, well.

You must be expecting some female company tonight.

No, just Grady's coming by

to watch the fights.

Say, listen, son,

you got any extra cash on you?

For what?

Well, I need some money

because Donna's birthday is coming up,

and I want to take her somewhere nice,

somewhere romantic.

Oh, yeah? Like where?

Disneyland.

Disneyland?

Yeah, see, she ain't ever been there,

and it's almost un-American not to go to Disneyland.

I'd like to know what's so romantic

about Disneyland.

The Disneyland Motel.

You're a dirty old man, you know that?

And I'm going to be one till I'm a dead old man.

I'm sorry, Pop, but I'm flat broke, man.

You going to have to think of something else.

I already did,

but I don't think it'll work.

Oh, yeah, what is it?

Me taking Donna to an all-night movie

and taking a blanket with us.

Hey, get that, will you, son?

I'll bring this stuff in.

All right.

All right!

Oh, hi, Grady.

Hi, uh, uh... Lawrence...

Yeah, hi, Lawrence.

Hello, Grady.

Hi, Fred.

Come on and sit down. Yeah.

The fight's about to start.

You want a cold beer?

Hey. that would be nice.

Would you mind

getting us a couple of beers, son?

Hey, Grady, why don't you try

some of these horse divers.

Hey, Lamont, hurry up!

The fight's going to start.

Who's fighting, Fred? Do you know?

Yeah, Indian Joe Roach

and a Mexican fellow named, uh...

Mexican fellow named Jesus Alvarez.

Hey, Pop, that's pronounced "Hayzoos."

Well, he spells it the same way Jesus spells his name.

I know, but you don't say it that way.

If they know he was going to be a fighter,

why'd they name him Jesus?

How did his parents know when he was born

that he was going to be a fighter?

Yeah, Fred, maybe they thought

he was going to be a carpenter.

Ooh, look at that left hook.

I bet you won't no hair grow on that spot again.

Get up, Roach!

Get up before he step on you.

Wow, that wasn't much of a fight, was it?

I get to see better fights than that

at home where I board.

You ought to see the Fergusons go at it.

They fight a lot, huh?

All the time.

She picked up a glass one time

and threw it at him

and broke all his teeth.

Grady, how could she break

all of his teeth?

His teeth were in the glass.

Good, Grady.

Yeah, but as soon as my social security comes in,

I'm going to find me a place with lots of peace and quiet.

I'm a quiet person. Now, you know that, Fred.

You know I know it.

All I like to do is sit in my room at night

and do quiet things, like trim my beard,

wash out my eyes, and cut my corns.

Listen, how much you say you pay every month?

$60.

$60 every month?

Uh-huh.

I'm going to get us a couple more beers.

All right.

Hey, Lamont. Come here, son.

Why?

I can't find the can opener.

You don't need no can opener, Pop.

All you got to do is pull the tab on the top.

Would you come here?

Excuse me a minute, Grady. Yeah.

Why can't you...

I told you we don't need no can opener with this beer...

Just listen, just listen.

I figured out a way

how we can make some extra cash.

Oh yeah?

Yeah, see, now, Grady don't like

the place he's staying at, right?

So?

So, he got 60 bucks a month

to pay for a nice place to stay, right?

I know what you're thinking, Pop,

and forget it.

Forget it? Look, that's 60 bucks steady.

Hey, man, I don't want nobody

staying here steady.

We're not so hard up

that we got to take in boarders for a crummy $60.

Ain't no crummy $60.

That's $60 steady.

Did you make 60 bucks today?

No.

Did you make 60 bucks yesterday?

No.

Case closed.

Okay, so business has been

a little on the slack side.

So we take Grady's pension

and tighten up that slack.

Pop, we're only talking about $60 a month, man.

That only comes out to about $2 a day.

Did you make $2 today?

No.

Did you make $2 yesterday?

How many times do I have to keep closing this case?

Okay, Pop, what about your work?

What about it?

If Grady moved in here,

you'd never get nothing done, man.

The two of you all would just sit around here

playing cards and watching television.

No, we wouldn't.

See, Grady could help me with my coordinating,

and then, with my arthritis,

I need some help around here.

I thought it was in your left hand.

See, it's spreading.

Listen, son, it's just for a month.

What do you say we try it, okay?

Pop, it's not going to work, man.

I just know it's not going to work.

Sure it'll work.

Sure. I know it'll work.

Listen, and when his social security comes,

we'll raise the rent.

Let's go tell him.

All right, but I don't think it's going to work, Pop.

It's going to work.

Get a couple of beers there and bring them out.

Grady?

Uh, Grady, Grady... Oh, yeah...

It's so quiet in here, I almost dozed off.

Yeah.

Yeah, where you been?

You missed the whole last bout.

Well, we were in there talking, Grady.

Now, I've got to ask you something.

Now, you like... You like both of us, don't you?

Like you?

Why, you're like family to me.

Fred, you're like a brother to me,

and, uh, uh... Lance.

Yeah... Lance here is like a son.

Well, here's what I want to ask you.

See, instead of living there with the Fergusons

where they be fighting all the time

and keeping you upset,

why don't you move in here with me and uh...

Lance?

Yeah, me and Lance.

Move in here with you?

You mean, be a boarder with you?

That's right.

Why, that'd be like living with my own family, wouldn't it?

Your own family.

Excuse me.

Don't do that, Grady, not all over the horse dovers.

I'm sorry, Fred.

It's just that it's been so long since I've lived with family.

Yeah, see now, though,

instead of giving $60 to some strangers,

you're giving that 60 bucks to your own family.

My own family... That's right, $60.

Hey, Grady, now, is that a deal?

Wait a minute, Pop.

Maybe Grady would like to think about it for a while.

No. There's nothing to think about.

I'm touched.

See that? You heard him blow his nose.

He's touched.

All I can think about

is how soon can I move in?

Anytime you get ready.

Can I move in tonight

and bring my things over tomorrow?

Yeah, Grady, you can go on upstairs now

and go to sleep.

Listen, you take my room.

Your room?

You're giving me your room?

My room.

Grady, will you stop that?

You're going to blow something out your head

that you need.

Come on, Grady.

You go on up there

and make yourself feel at home.

Thanks. I just don't know what to say.

Thank you, Fred.

Well, good night, Grady.

Good night, Fred.

And good night, uh... Lucas!

Lucas.

Yeah. Good night, Lucas.

My own family... Fred and Lucas.

Now, listen... Hold it, Lucas.

I knew there was another one coming.

See, son, you made an old man happy,

and we get 60 bucks besides.

Okay, smart guy, now, just tell me one thing.

Where are you going to sleep tonight?

I'll sleep in your bed.

Oh, no, you're ain't sleeping with me.

You dribble on the pillow...

and you make them old man smacking sounds with your mouth.

You ain't sleeping with me.

I wasn't thinking about it.

I wasn't thinking about sleeping with you.

I was going to sleep up there by myself,

and you sleep down here on the couch.

I'm not sleeping on the couch.

You gave up your bed.

Now, I work hard all day, and I need a bed.

I'm not going to sleep on no couch.

Well, I can't sleep on the couch

with my arthritis.

Well, you don't have no trouble sleeping on it during the day

when you're supposed to be doing some work.

Well, I can't sleep on it at night

when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

I'm not sleeping on no couch.

Well, neither one of us might have to sleep on it...

Every time you always come up with something,

I always get the short end of it.

I got to come down here...

You want me to sleep on the couch.

Listen, don't worry about it.

Be prepared, that's me.

Don't tell me

you're going to sleep on that old army cot?

No. You are.

I can't sleep on that.

I slept on it when I was in the Army all the time.

All right, then you're used to it,

so you sleep on it.

I did my time on it. Now it's your turn.

Forget it.

Well, look, here, we'll take turns.

Now, what could be fairer than that?

You sleep on it tonight.

I'm not sleeping on that. I...

On second thought, maybe I will sleep down here tonight.

I don't think I want to go up there

with him snoring like that.

It is kind of loud, ain't it?

Why don't you go up there and close the door?

All right.

Let's see how I did this at Fort Dix, 1941.

Hey, Pop?

Yeah?

Hey, Pop... Huh?

The door is closed.

Oh, no.

Hey, Pop, is Grady ever going to come out

of the bathroom?

He's been up there for hours.

Well, he took the newspaper with him.

Maybe he's a slow reader.

Yeah, but what am I supposed to do?

Be glad it wasn't the Sunday paper.

This is ridiculous, you know that?

Well, see, it's a habit he picked up

when he was living at the Fergusons

where the bathroom was the quietest spot

in the house.

Yeah, well, what's he doing it here for?

Ain't nobody fighting in this house.

Well, it's a habit,

and I just have to help him kick it,

and I know just how to do it.

How?

We hide the toilet seat from him,

and only give it to him when he really needs it.

That's not going to do no good.

Once he gets it,

he'll still be sitting there for hours.

Not if we hide it in the freezer.

I'm sorry I ever let you talk me into this, man.

First, he keeps me up snoring all night,

and now I can't even use my own bathroom.

Where you going?

To the filling station.

The filling station? That's right.

You don't have to go to no filling station.

You see, Grady just don't know the rules,

that it's three people who got to use the toilet.

Yeah, well, I wish you'd explain it to him.

In the meantime,

I have to use the filling station.

This is a drag.

Hey, Grady! Grady!

Hey, Lamont! Grady's done!

What a world, what a world...

What you talking about, Grady?

You know, you read the bad news

in the morning newspaper,

and it makes you feel

like you don't ever want to come out of the toilet.

Yeah, it was beginning to look like that.

Huh?

Nothing, Grady,

just Lamont was waiting to get in.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

Why didn't he call me?

He probably is calling you something

all the way to the filling station.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to cause no trouble.

Well, forget about it, Grady.

Come on in here with me.

Come on in, Grady.

I'll fix you something to eat.

Oh, no thanks, Fred. I'm not hungry.

Well, sit on down.

You will be hungry when you find out

what I'm going to fix for us.

I've been saving three eggs

for Lamont's Sunday breakfast,

and because it's your first day here,

I'm going to fix us an omelet.

Nice big fluffy omelet.

I know how to do that too.

See, I take these three...

Where are these three eggs I had in here?

Oh, you mean those three eggs that were in there?

Yeah, those three eggs that was in here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred, but I ate those earlier.

That's why I ain't hungry.

You ate all three of them?

That's all I could find.

Well, never mind, Grady.

We'll just have us some coffee

and watch television.

Oh, now, that'd be nice.

That's a good idea, watching television.

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah, little old television.

I'm finished with my morning newspaper,

and now, I'm ready for television.

Yeah.

Turn on the news, Fred.

I don't want to listen to no news.

Why do you want to listen to news early in the morning?

I thought you'd want to watch something educational.

Okay, you've got a choice of three,

Captain Kangaroo, Deputy Dog, or Huckleberry Hound.

Oh, I don't like none of those, Fred.

Well, if you don't want to watch what I want to watch,

why don't you go on back up in the toilet?

I don't... I don't want to go back up in there.

They don't have no television shows up there.

Well, start your own.

Leave the door open and call it "Face The Nation."

Watching Bozo the Clown, yeah...

Good morning, Fred.

Donna!

My goodness, what a pleasant surprise.

Hey, Grady, you remember Donna Harris,

my fiancée.

Yes, I do. Grady.

Grady moved in with us,

and he's sleeping in my room now.

Hey, Donna, what brings you by here

so early in the morning?

Well, I was out on a call in the neighborhood

and thought while I'm here,

I'll stop by and give you a neck rub.

Oh, that's so thoughtful of you.

Come on over here.

Hey, Grady, see, Donna's a practical nurse,

and she cracks my neck.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and she does toes too.

Sometimes, she cracks my neck and toes so good,

sounds like the Fourth of July in here.

Are you ready, Fred?

Your Steady Freddie is ready.

Is it a tightness in both sides of the neck

going down to the shoulder?

Yes, that's right, that's tension.

Is that what you feel now?

Yeah, I'm tense and stiff and everything.

Would you do me?

Well, let's see. Excuse me, Fred.

Oh my, yes, you are tight,

much more so than Fred.

Oh, now, how does that feel?

Oh, that feels just great.

Say, if I run upstairs and wash my feet,

will you do my toes?

She ain't doing no toes, Grady!

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

I don't want to cause no trouble.

I just thought I'd ask.

Hey, Pop, I'm home.

Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

You look like you're mad about something.

I am. I'm mad at myself.

For what?

For talking you into letting Grady stay here.

I've decided something.

Grady's got to go.

But he just moved in here,

and he's probably on his way over here now

with his things.

What are you going to tell him?

I don't know,

but he's such a dear friend of mine, I...

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Well...

We got to figure out something right away, though.

Here comes Grady now with a suitcase

and a big smile on his face.

Yeah, he's probably thinking about all that peace and quiet

he's going to have with his new family.

What?

Or that peace and quiet

he thought he was going to have with his new family.

Are you with me, son?

I'm way ahead of you, Pop!

Come on in, Grady!

Buddy!

How do you feel, pal?

Hey, you got all your stuff in there, Grady?

Yeah, most of it,

but I had to get out of there in a hurry.

The Fergusons were right in the middle

of a big fight,

and I just couldn't stand the racket.

That really gets to you, don't it?

Ties my stomach in knots.

Makes me feel like I want to barf.

Now, look, Grady,

why don't you go on upstairs and relax

and make yourself to home, like,

and dinner'll be ready

in about hour and a half, two hours.

Okay.

Dinner'll be ready in about an hour or two.

Sorry it's a little late, Grady.

How come dinner ain't ready now?

Because I forgot to fix it.

What do you mean you forgot? You forgot...

You mean to tell me you're getting so old,

you can't remember to cook dinner?

Who are you calling old?

I ain't so old I can't give you one of these across your lips.

If I was you, I wouldn't try.

Whoo! I'll try it. I'll knock you out.

How are you going to knock me out

when you can't even remember to cook dinner?

Well, all right. Put your hands up.

I don't have to put nothing up.

Put 'em up.

I don't got to put nothing up.

I'll dance around you.

Look out.

Come on. Come over here.

Grady... You'd better go on upstairs, Grady.

You don't want to get into this.

It's a family argument.

Look, Grady, this is a family argument.

Come on!

I'm coming.

Move, Grady.

Let me see what you got on the other side.

Hold it. Hold the phone.

Now, I didn't know you two had family arguments.

Now, don't...

Now, this ain't going to take too long. Where's my bat?

We'll be through fighting in about four or five hours.

Four or five hours?

And if we don't finish it then,

we'll finish it tomorrow.

Come on. That's right.

Fred. No. Now, come on, Fred.

Now, you know I don't never back out of no agreements, Fred,

but I just can't stand no fighting!

Just get out the way, Grady.

We don't want you getting hurt.

Come on into me.

You come on over here. Come on into me.

Cross that line. I don't need to cross no line.

Cross it again. Cross it again and boom!

I'll tear you up.

Come on over here!

Yeah.

Put that light down!

No, please don't hit me!

Don't hit me in my ears!

Oh, my goodness! Stop it!

Well, son, we really did it, didn't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was pretty good, Pop.

Pretty good acting.

I'm tired.

We make a good team, Pop.

We were a good team. Yeah.

You were Butch Cassidy, and I was the Sundance Kid.

All right. Let's go have dinner, Pop.

Huh?

Go have dinner?

Yeah, let's go have dinner.

We can't. What do you mean we can't?

I ain't cooked nothing. I really forgot to cook.

You forgot to cook?

Yeah.

How could you forget to cook?

Because I'm a human being.

I forgot to cook.

I don't understand that.

There's a lot of things you could forget,

but how could you forget to cook dinner?

Like I told you earlier,

I forgot because I'm human.

All the excitement going on with Grady and everything,

I just forgot to fix it.

That's not the reason.

Well, what's the reason?

You just getting so old

that you can't remember to cook dinner.

Who are you calling old?

There ain't but two of us in the kitchen.

I ain't so old I can't give you one of these across your lips.

Hey, man, if I was you, I wouldn't try it.

I'll try it anytime I get ready.

I raised you. I'll knock you out.

Come on, then!

All right!

Well, I'm going to work, Pop. I'll see you at lunchtime.

Okay, son.

Hey, you know what?

It sure is a pleasure

to be able to use your own bathroom.

Yeah, that's right.

See, a man's home is his castle,

and he shouldn't have to share his throne.

Right. Right.

I wonder who that is. I hope it ain't Grady.

Me too.

Good morning, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Donna. Fred...

Donna, you're here again? Yes.

Oh, what a surprise.

Well, I think you got short-changed yesterday

on your neck rub,

so I'm here today to finish the job.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Lamont, Donna's going to do my neck.

She's going to crack it for me.

Bye.

Where's your friend this morning?

Oh, well, him staying here

didn't work out, so he moved.

Oh.

Bye, son.

Ready to do my neck?

Mm-hm.

Ah, yes.

Do you actually crack his neck?

No.

I just work out the stiffness

and the tension.

Yeah, she just works out the stiffness

and the tension.

Bye, son.

Is it a... Is it a tightness on both sides of the neck

leading down to the shoulders?

Well, yes, that's it. Is that what you feel?

Yeah.

Look, son, why don't you get on moving now.

But I just want...

She's not going to do your neck or your toes.

Go on to work. I was just...

And try to get back here with about 50 bucks.

Tightness around the neck and tightness over here.

Not going to hear that stuff, get me 50 bucks...

Fred? Fred, do you need some money?

If you do, I can loan you some.

Well, I'll sure pay you back

as soon as we get back from where we're going.

Where are we going?

You'll find out when we get to Disneyland.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.