Original subtitles

This sure is romantic.

Just me and you and the sound of the ocean behind us.

It's very nice.

I love that rumbling sound.

What rumbling sound?

The waves.

Oh, I thought you was talking about my stomach.

My stomach's been rumbling all morning.

I shouldn't mix my drink.

What drink?

Buttermilk and Pluto Water.

Fred, I've got to talk to you about something.

I've already put it off too long.

But I can't seem to find the right way to say it.

You got a problem?

Yes, I have.

Well, are you pregnant?

Fred!

Well, if you ain't pregnant, what's the problem?

Fred, how long have we been engaged?

Oh, now I know what you're getting at.

You want to know when we're gonna get married.

Right.

I have an important decision to make.

What kind of decision?

Well, I have another marriage proposal.

What?!

Do you remember Osgood Perkins?

He's a patient I've worked for.

Remember, I brought him to the house one night.

That old invalid?

You've got to be kidding me.

I'm not kidding, Fred.

Osgood asked me to marry him.

If I wanted to, I could marry him tomorrow morning.

And bury him tomorrow evening.

See, the preacher wouldn't even have to take his tuxedo off.

Just marry him and bury him in the same day.

Fred, now this is not a joking matter.

I was serious when I said I have to make a decision;

I... I can't go on waiting.

Okay, okay, you won't have to wait.

I made up my mind.

You have?

Yeah.

Freddy your steady is ready.

Fred!

Do you mean it?

You really do?

Yeah.

Oh, Fred.

Wait a minute, Fred.

Let's save some until after the wedding.

All right.

Well, well, let's don't... Let's don't wait.

Let... Let's set the date right away.

Uh, see, I ain't doing nothing this weekend.

We can get married Sunday.

Sunday?!

Fred!

Sunday, that's so soon.

Why, we've got so much to do.

We... We have to find a church,

and send out the wedding invitations,

and get our blood tests.

We don't have to worry about that.

We can get married at the house

and just you and me and Reverend Trimble.

And all I have to worry about is having enough blood

for the blood test.

What about Lamont?

Do you think he'll have any objections?

I'll overrule any objections he might have.

And I have five good reasons.

One, two, three, four, five.

Say, wait a minute, baby. Hold on a minute.

But, baby, just hold on one minute.

Wait a minute, baby. You know who this is?

This is... Hello?

She knew.

Say, Jack, you want to try Francine?

No, man, she's always hungry.

Last time I took her out

she had four Fat burgers and a thick shake.

And besides that, she got a shiny nose, man.

Whenever I take her to the movies and I go to get popcorn,

I can always find my seat by her neon nose.

Hey, man, what about... What about Dimples and Lee?

Dimples and Lee?

The gruesome twosome?

You is a fool.

We ain't that hard up.

Hey, I wonder if I still got their number.

Look under "DT" for desperation time.

No. Here it is under "LR" for last resort.

Somebody. Yeah. We admit it.

Hi, son.

Good evening, Lamont.

Hey, Pop. Hello, Donna.

How you doing, Mr. Sanford?

And I don't believe I've had the pleasure, ma'am.

Oh, excuse my... My manners, Rollo.

Rollo Lawson, meet Donna Harris, my fiancée.

Hello, Rollo.

See, Rollo is the one who's always leading Lamont astray.

You know, like Rollo and Follow.

Come on, Pop.

Well, sit down, darling.

Come here, Lamont.

I've got something to tell you.

Uh, you ready?

Donna has consented to make me the happiest man in the world.

What's she gonna do? Make you her beneficiary?

What kind of dumb thing is that to say?

That's downright insulting.

You ain't got no class at all.

See, uh, Donna, do you have an insurance policy?

See, come on, Pop. What'd you want to tell me, man?

Me and Rollo got something to do.

Okay. Brace yourself. You ready?

Donna and I are getting married Sunday.

Hey, congratulations, Mr. Sanford.

That's outta sight.

Hey, Pop, but Sunday's the day after tomorrow, man.

Why are you gonna do it so soon?

Well, Donna ain't getting no younger.

Uh, and... and I ain't either.

And see, Donna will be like a... Sort of a September bride

and I'm gonna be a December groom.

And when... and when Winter meets Fall, we're gonna have a ball.

Come on, Donna, I'll walk you to the car, honey.

Goodnight.

If your old man can hook up with a queen like that,

I know there's some hope for me.

I'm gonna get back in this book.

Hey, wait a minute, man. Wait a minute.

Now this is serious, Rollo. I think he's really gonna

get married this time, man.

So what? Give the old dude some credit.

The old dude don't need no credit, he needs strength.

Man, I'll tell you,

it looks like they're gonna make it fine to me.

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna make it fine

because Donna and I don't get along too tough.

Hey, bubba, you ain't marrying her, your pop is.

Yeah, but I got to live here in the house with her

and it's not gonna work out, man.

She'd be in here trying to take over this place.

The whole house will be smelling and tasting like cold cream.

And there'll be them old long hairs

on the sink in the bathroom.

Just think, son.

With Donna's car and our truck,

we'll be a two-car family.

Say, Rollo, get your narrow rump off my stump.

So it's cool. That's great, Pop.

Hey, listen, man, are

you sure you've given this a lot of thought, Pop?

Because, I mean, marriage is a very serious business.

I know that. I've given it thought.

A lot of thought. And... and that's what I want to do

so don't try to talk me out of it.

No, I don't want to talk you out of it.

I just... I just don't want you rushing into nothing.

I ain't rushing into nothing.

I'm just strolling into it.

If I wait much longer, I won't be able to crawl into it.

Yeah, but you know that old saying, Pop:

Fools rush in where wise men fear to go.

But wise men never fall in love, so how are they to know?

See, when we met, I felt my life begin.

♪ So open up your heart and let This fool rush in ♪♪

This is Station F-R-E-D signing off.

Goodnight, you two dummies.

Hey, wait a minute, Pop. Now wait a minute.

Listen, if you don't mind, I'm going upstairs

to get me some rest for the blood test.

I don't want to flunk it.

Yeah, but you still haven't told me why

all of a sudden you got this sudden desire to get married.

Now... Now what happened?

Well, if we're gonna talk, let's have us a cold beer.

Please, Pop. Because I mean you left here this morning...

I come over here and you tell me

you're gonna get married just like that.

I mean, I didn't have no warning or nothing.

That's the way it happens sometimes.

I want to know what happened. Here's what happened.

I had to beat out a competitor.

See, she got another proposal, so I had to act fast.

It was either now or never.

Don't you see what that means?

Yeah, it's me now and him never.

Pop, that's the oldest trick in the business.

Man, she told you that stuff about another man

to get you trapped.

Sagittarius the hunter got captured by the game.

What's wrong with that? I like it.

Pop, it's the principle of the thing.

Man, I knew I smelled something rotten.

If you smell something rotten, you ought to wash your mustache.

Because all I smell is bouquet.

Wedding bouquet.

Can't you see what's happening, Pop?

You're being pressured into getting married.

I ain't being pressured into nothing.

Besides, I ain't getting no younger.

And if we're gonna have some kids,

we'd better do it right away.

Because... And while I got my teeth.

I don't want to be sitting around

gumming no taffy with the kid.

What would happen if Donna and I don't get along too tough?

I mean, what if it got so bad that I had to split?

I'd miss you, son.

I know you're not gonna have no big wedding, Pop,

because you know you can't afford that.

Oh, no, it'll just be Rev. Trimble's $10 special.

Just me and the bride-to-be.

Well, what about the family, man?

Aren't you gonna invite the family?

My family's in St. Louis.

They'll read about it in the society column of Jet magazine.

Mr. and Mrs. Sanford married.

The bride is a practical nurse

and the groom is a prominent Los Angeles coordinator.

No, I'm talking about family out here, man.

What about... What about Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody

and Aunt Minnie and Uncle Jake?

What about them?

I ain't giving no Halloween party.

If Donna sees them, she'll think I'm playing trick-or-treat.

Goodnight.

Wait a minute, Pop.

I don't want to hear nothing about it.

So that's it, huh?

That's the way it's gonna be?

The three of us living here in the same house?

That's how it's gonna be.

♪ Just Donna and me ♪

♪ And the dummy makes three... ♪

♪ I'm heading To my blue bedroom ♪♪

Well, she did it.

The barracuda finally got him trapped.

Yeah, damn.

Hey, she's got his nose open so wide

you could run a tractor through it.

And look, it was so cold-blooded, man.

He don't even want no relatives at the wedding.

Now that's cold-blooded.

Rollo!

Oh... I forgot about that seat, man.

Yeah, well, see Rollo, my old man and my family

got an understanding, and they all understand

that they hate each other.

They never forgave him for marrying my mother.

The first wife's family always hates the new wife.

That's the way it is.

And if you try to bring them together, look out.

It's fireworks.

And let me tell you something, man,

if you're thinking about bringing them together...

That's what you're thinking, isn't it?

You're thinking about bringing all of them together?

But your pop don't want that, does he?

But you're gonna do it anyway.

Yeah, I think I gotta go. I hear my pop coming now.

I'll call you later, Aunt Esther.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Hi, son. Come here. I want to show you something.

How does it look?

Looks like a black felt bed pan.

Listen, it's a Homburg.

See, I-I forgot I had it.

I really did.

I got it real cheap... I found it.

It's a nice hat, Pop, but it's a little bit

too big for your head.

Oh, it might be a little too big, but I don't think so.

I can stuff some newspaper over here in the sides

and then blow out what I've got left of my natural,

and it fits perfect.

It will give the wedding a little class.

Are you planning on wearing this tuxedo too?

Yeah. I'm taking it to the cleaners to have it pressed.

See, I got a little collard green juice here on the sleeve.

Started staining a little bit.

Must've been when we had the victory celebration

for Mayor Bradley.

All the junk men got together and had the celebration.

I thought you said you was gonna have a simple wedding.

I am. This is for the pictures.

Well, I guess if you're gonna do it,

you might as well do it right.

Say, you changed your mind about the wedding now?

Yeah. Yeah.

I got to thinking about it, Pop.

And once I thought about it, it didn't seem so bad after all.

I mean, you got a right to be happy.

I even told a few people about it.

Who?

Well, Aunt Esther for one.

You told ugly Esther?

That's the worst person in the world you could've told.

Well, as long as you didn't invite her to come over here,

I guess it's okay.

I didn't have to, Pop, she invited herself.

She what?! Old gorilla face gonna be at my wedding?

Is she gonna bring Woody the Wino?

I believe so.

That does it.

Now I'm gonna have to hide my Ripple, and my gin, my scotch.

My bourbon, my rye.

Got to hide my bug spray, my Drano.

I hope she don't tell nobody else.

No, she won't.

Good.

But I couldn't have Aunt Esther and Uncle Woody here

without having Aunt Minnie and Uncle Jake.

Minnie the Moocher and Jake the Jackass?

Oh, no, you're turning my dream-come-true

into a nightmare.

Oh, come on, Pop. Now be fair.

This is our family and Donna hasn't even met them yet.

Donna also has never met a school of piranha.

Look, Pop, would you stop worrying?

Now they're not gonna be here that long.

That's what the Indians said when they first

saw the white man coming.

Aunt Esther, Uncle Woody!

Aunt Minnie!

Hey, Uncle Jake! Come on in here!

Boy, I sure am glad you could all make it.

Hey, help yourself to some refreshments.

Sit down over there on the couch.

Help yourself, Uncle Jake.

Boy...

Well, what do you think of my pop getting married?

It's hard for me to believe that there's a woman

somewhere that desperate.

Me too.

What's the matter with her, Lamont, is she lame?

Say, Lamont, where is Fred and his bride-to-be, anyway?

Oh, they're out taking the wedding pictures.

I don't think they like the atmosphere around here.

Oh, pardon me.

And what did you say her name was, Donna?

Yeah, Donna. It means "lady."

Is that so?

I once had a dog named Lady.

Aunt Flossie. Hey, Uncle Edgar.

Hello, Lamont. Come on in.

Flossie!

Hey, Edgar, you'd better grab yourself a drink before Woody

hits his stride over here.

Put that bottle down, Woodrow.

Don't let me have to knock you out.

Lamont, did you talk this over with your father?

I tried to, Aunt Esther,

but Donna's got his mind pretty well made up.

What does this woman do for a living?

Oh, she's a nurse.

Oh, honey, you know how those old nurses are.

All they do all day is give strange men back-rubs.

Hey.

That sounds like my kind of woman.

I want to see her.

Yeah, me too, man.

Woodrow, you came here with teeth.

Do you want to leave with teeth?

Lamont, why don't they get married in a church?

Donna wanted a small wedding with not too many guests at all.

You see, um, I don't think

she'd be comfortable around folks like us.

She's so accustomed to being around doctors

and important clients and things, you know.

Oh, really?

Uh-oh.

Hello, everybody.

I'd like you to meet my lovely bride-to-be...

Donna, meet the family.

Hello, everybody.

I'm glad you could come.

How about a toast to the bride and groom?

Woodrow, put that bottle down before I unscrew your wrist.

It's not that we don't want to toast you.

We just want to get to know you a little better.

Right, ladies?

Right.

Yeah, right.

I was talking to the ladies, fool.

Come, ladies.

Let's get to know the bride-to-be a little better.

Yeah, let's do that.

Say... Say, where you taking her?

In the kitchen for a little girl talk.

Come on, honey...

Say, Fred, ain't it a little late

for you to be getting married?

I'm still breathing, ain't I?

Are you really a nurse

or do you just say you're a nurse

and all your patients are heathens?

Well, I don't know what you mean.

Why don't you get married in a church?

Yeah, why don't you get married in a church?

Why? I don't know.

We decided to have a small and informal wedding.

You remember to tell that to the Lord.

And the Lord will tell you I am not come to call

to righteous but sinners to repentance.

Right, sister. Amen.

Behold I stand at the door and knock.

Where will you be when the knock comes, sister?

So, she's a nurse, huh, Fred?

I bet she gives a mean back rub, huh?

Edgar, how'd you like me to rub this cross your lip?

How many doctors you got on the side?

Oh, this has gone far enough!

Sit down!

You ain't finished answering all our questions yet.

What kind of mother do you intend to be to Lamont,

our favorite nephew?

You think you can just walk in here

and take my sister Elizabeth's place?

My sister had class.

Our whole family's got class.

You are nothing but three witches!

Who are you calling a witch, witch?

Both you guys, both of you, get on out of my house.

Hey, wait a minute, Fred. You can't put us out.

We're your relatives. You're a damn liar.

Ain't nobody in my family's like neither one of y'all.

Now get the hell out. Get out!

Get out of my way, Fred! Get out of my way!

What's the matter? Let me at her!

Turn me loose! Let me at her!

Donna! Donna! Let me at her!

Her behind is mine!

Listen.

What did you all do to her?

What did we do to her?

You mean what did she do to us?

She had the nerve to call us witches.

And she was right.

You're three ugly witches.

And you married your husbands and turned them into frogs.

Get out of here!

Get to jumping! Get out of here!

Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down!

This Louisville Slugger will knock you out!

And take this wino out of here with you.

Come on!

Get him out of here!

Come in here and mess up my wedding.

There they are. Go ahead, open the door for me.

Open the door, son.

Come on. Wait a minute, Pop.

It's Rev. Trimble.

What's going on here, Fred?

Why, people are running away from here

like there was a riot going on.

There was.

What happened?

Well, here's what happened, uh, Reverend.

Uh, Donna and I, we ain't getting married.

But you can keep the ten bucks.

And it's your fault, dummy.

I knew if you invited them here,

it would be something happening like this.

I told you it would.

I knew it. I knew it.

And... And you knew it.

You planned it.

Wait a minute, Pop. Now don't go jumping to no conclusions.

All I'm jumping to is upside your head.

Now look here, Reverend.

You didn't preach no marriage, but stick around.

You can preach the funeral.

Wait a minute, Pop.

Wait a minute.

Rev. Trimble...

Now wait a minute, Donna. Don't hang up again.

Listen, I never wanted that gang over here.

It was Lamont's idea.

Yeah, honest it was.

See, let's do it again.

And next time we'll do it right.

See, we'll sneak down somewhere nice like El Segundo.

Or maybe Gardena.

Yeah.

Or we can wait till June.

Then you'll be a June bride.

See, I can stick the cake in the refrigerator...

No, the cake's too big, it won't fit.

But I'll tell you what I'd like to do with that cake.

I'd like to shove it down Lamont's throat.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh, listen, Donna, I'll call you back.

You know what I said I wanted to do with that cake?

I'm gonna do it.

Lamont Sanford don't know

that he's about to star in a new version of Deep Throat.

Sanford and Son

is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.