Original subtitles

[in English] Toto?

-[knocking on door] -Toto?

[laptop playing video]

[tense music]

Oh, my God, my office is on fire!

[panting]

I put up a screen there to look busy when people come in.

That's not a question I get to ask often enough:

what are you doing under my desk?

I'm looking for hints.

-Hints? -Yeah.

Of how you and Ingeborg intend to fuck me

at the vote on my amendment.

-Oh, that. -Yeah.

And you thought I might have dropped some papers here

with our evil power plan all laid down on it?

Like in a crappy Cold War secret agent movie from the 50s?

Well...

-If I beg you, will you tell me? -It's tempting.

Even if I told you, it wouldn't make much of a difference.

Is she pulling some procedural trick?

Did she bribe the socialists? What did she offer?

Bigger offices? A resolution on the 35-hour week?

Samy, Samy.

Why struggle-struggle if you've lost-lost already?

Accept the world as it is. The Knacki is here to be eaten.

Ingeborg is here to get what she wants.

[quirky music]

[in French]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[quirky music]

[crying]

[in English] Rose? [sniffles]

Rose, is that you?

-You okay? -No! [crying]

I don't know why I'm crying.

I've got everything I ever wanted.

The UK is out of the EU,

I've got this perfect body, this great hair...

Yeah.

They're making a biopic of Elton John

after all the letters I wrote.

I think maybe you're depressed again.

So, if it keeps happening this often,

you could go and see a psychologist, maybe?

Why? I'm not gay!

That wasn't exactly what I was saying.

I just meant that maybe talking to somebody would help.

I'm not crazy, Rose.

I've just got feelings, that's all.

Yeah, I know.

You could try work, maybe.

That's what people do to stop thinking about life.

There's a vote on finning at the Fisheries Committee.

-That could work. -That's boring.

-Fish are boring! -Fish are boring...

[clicks tongue]

Brexit?

-You love Brexit. -Yeah. [sobbing]

Negotiations are stuck and it's chaos in Westminster.

-You think? -Yeah.

A mind like yours could be a game-changer.

-It's a good idea. -Yeah.

Those technocrats,

they don't know their left from their right.

Exactly. Great!

So, good? Okay, we're good.

But what will I focus on?

Irish border?

-Yeah, okay, Irish border. -Okay.

But what's the problem with the Irish border?

[in French]

[sighs]

[indistinct chattering]

[in English] So, this is the UK.

Let's say he's Europe.

-Oh, she, that's Jenny. -Right, so, she's Europe.

She's Europe.

So, what we want is a border between the UK and Jenny.

Right, yes, the EU. Oh, absolutely!

Take back control!

We don't want a border between N. Ireland

and the Republic of Ireland.

-We don't, no? -Well, no.

Because when we did, we sort of had a civil war.

Oh. We don't want that, do we?

No...

So, the question is: where do we put the border?

Right. [clicks tongue]

-That is hard. I don't know. -Yeah.

Where? Okay.

[clicks tongue]

You have a think about that, I'll do some emails.

[sighs]

[in French]

[keyboard clicking]

[in English] There.

Problem solved!

Next.

So, we give away Northern Ireland?

-Is that a problem? -Yeah.

It is part of the country

so some people have got pretty attached.

I guess you're right.

Plus, it was our last colony, wasn't it?

Call the maître d'. He'll know.

Who?

[in French]

[door closes]

[clicks tongue]

[vocalizing]

[slurping]

[speaking in Spanish]

[speaking in Spanish]

[quirky music]

[in English] Because what is cannot not be

and what is not cannot be,

otherwise nothing would make sense!

It's called a tautology. It's at the root of human knowledge.

Don't come with your technocratic bullshit with me!

I represent the people!

-There is a secret fifth option. -Oh, yeah?

Don't say it's from me.

That's not a problem, I'll say it's the Sharon solution.

In this option,

the UK maintains its access to the EU market,

the Irish border is frictionless,

you even keep on receiving your salary

as a Member of the European Parliament.

Sold! We can call it the Sharon settlement.

Write that down, Rose.

I think the option is already called

"remaining in the EU".

[fake laughing]

[in French]

[groaning]

[in Spanish]

[in French]

[blows raspberry]

[dramatic music]

[in English] Okay, we've checked again.

There is no secret MI6 plan to solve the Irish border.

And did you Google "Irish border" and "solution"?

To check on millions of goods crossing

an invisible border every day?

-I'm afraid even Google... -Actually, I just did.

-But to no avail. -Come on!

There's an app for everything these days.

I can't believe there isn't one to check a border!

It's nonsense. I don't claim to be an expert,

but, you know, we could just do something like Deliveroo,

throw in Bitcoins and put a bit of block-chain,

and then just track it all with a massive GPS?

One moment, we're taking notes.

-What was that about Bitcoins? -I don't bloody know!

[tense music]

[door opening]

Hey, man!

Eamon, sorry.

[chuckling]

[classical music]

[elevator doors opening]

[in French]

[in English] Oh, dear.

[in French]

[sighs]

[tense music]

[microphone echoes]

[overlapping chattering]

[applauding]

[exhales]

[in English] Oh, my friend. Let's make peace.

I win this time, you'll win next time.

-It's democracy, you know? -Yeah, totally.

[laughing]

Let's enjoy this short moment

before you realize that your MEP

spontaneously withdrew the finning amendment.

What?

Yeah.

That's not... Why would he do that?

Good question. I think it's because we asked him to.

-Seriously? -Yeah.

[in French]

[in English] I thought you wanted to use

-the chair to postpone the vote. -Yeah, we did that too.

Just look at my outfit.

That was the hint I was giving you. It's double trouble.

Why would I wear belt and braces?

I don't know.

I thought it was a German thing.

[in French]

[somber music]

[yawning]

[in English] Thank you, Alan.

Negotiators have been arguing

over the Northern Ireland border issue for months.

But in a surprising turn of events, we hear today

that they have come up with a "technological solution".

According to senior diplomats in London and I'm quoting,

It's a bit like Deliveroo, "chuck in some Bitcoi

and track it all with a massive GPS."

The European Commission has yet to comment,

but experts are skeptical.

[sighs]

[tense music]