Original subtitles

[elevator beeps]

[sighs]

[elevator beeps]

[tense music]

[exhales]

[snickers]

[clears throat]

[knocking on door]

[in French]

[in English] Hey, man. Are you a ninja?

-No, no. -[laughs]

Torsten, Michel. Michel, Torsten.

That's great.

-Wow! -What I can do for you, man?

What can you do for me? Good question.

I'm coming with these big...

Oh, my God. Is that for me?

From me, for you.

[gasps]

Thank you so much.

Dude, you don't even know what that means, that one's a keeper.

-Yeah. -You should really, wow.

That's so sweet.

Okay, what are you doing here, man?

-So? -Oh, yeah.

I've come with special instructions

from Ingeborg for the presentation.

Okay. What are Ingeborg's instructions?

Right.

"That presentation is crucial.

No mistakes. No second chances."

-What are you doing? -She gave me these precise

-instructions for eye contact. -Oh, okay.

"If you fuck it up, I'll send you to fucking hell.

Except if I'm in a bad mood,

then I'll have you appointed in Luxembourg."

Honestly, I think that's cruel.

So, you came here to threaten me?

-Yeah. -And that's it?

Yeah.

No, wait, sorry. There's another bullet point.

She says, "Do not mention the finning part in the speech."

What? Why?

It's gonna piss off the Spaniards. You know,

they're fishermen, they make millions out of finning.

So, don't mention the sharks.

No talking about contentious issues.

That's rule number one here at the Parliament.

[in French]

[in English] Okay, what should we talk

about then? There's nothing else and it's in ten minutes.

Oh, yeah, sure. I get that. That's a fair point.

There's nothing about that, sorry.

Great, Okay. Good luck, guys. Yeah?

It's been a pleasure to meet you. Tschüss.

Tschüss, yes.

[laughing]

You speak German. This is incredible. He speaks German.

-[shushing] -Thank you.

[in French]

[in English] Is he recovering from a stroke

or something?

No, he's in full capacity right there.

[in French]

[clapping]

[in English] Rafael Caral,

for a point of order.

-What's going on here? -It's a point of order.

MEPs can intervene by clapping whenever.

Oh. Weird.

[speaking in Foreign Language]

The member from the Catalan Independence Party

is again speaking in Catalan,

not an official language of the EU!

What the member representing the oppressed Catalan minority...

[mic static]

[arguing indistinctly]

[in French]

[in English] Regional identity, it's called.

[in French]

[speaking in Foreign language]

[cell phone pings]

[in English] I'm gonna go hide

for a while, Okay?

[in French]

[tense music]

[in English] Can you stop following me, man?

I have to. Ingeborg is now tracking you

through my phone GPS. There we go.

[clears throat]

[in robot voice] "The Spanish are going to strike back hard.

If you fuck up the compromise meeting,

I will terminate you and your MEP."

[in normal voice] Yeah, I know. I just like taking on

that robot voice when she makes me do things.

And also it worked well with the word 'terminate'.

What's a compromise meeting?

[laughs]

[in French]

[in English] Oh, come on, man, like...

How am I supposed to know that you don't know that I know,

I mean, that's a very confused situation.

[tense music]

[in French]

[snorts]

[snickers]

[in English] Okay, all I'm asking is that

you help me with the first steps, that's all.

[keyboard clicking]

Is that your boss?

She looks very different now.

It was ten years ago when she was a soft Eurosceptic Tory.

-What happened? -I don't know.

It happened so fast.

She just spent more and more time on the Internet,

surfing weird websites and reading articles written

by Boris Johnson about condom sizes

and banana shapes. I didn't react at first,

because it all sounded so ridiculous,

but then when I finally realized what was happening,

[deep inhale]

it was too late... She was too far gone.

She even radicalized online.

I'm sorry.

Okay. So, could you just tell me what the first thing

I need to do is and I'll leave you alone?

When do you meet the other groups?

Tomorrow morning.

First thing to do is get your political adviser on board.

Yeah, Ingeborg asked me to do it.

Ingeborg is very not from your group.

Okay, yeah, of course, she's not...

And, out of curiosity,

where would I find my political adviser?

Rose?

[keyboard clicking continues]

Okay, I'll let you do your good work. [chuckles]

Thank you very much.

[in French]

[groans]

[sighs]

[in English] It's okay, I'm fine. I'm really,

She told me that I had to have my political adviser on board.

But, apparently,

Ingeborg is not the political adviser for my group.

Yeah, I know. She's not.

You knew that too?

Thanks, man.

That's awful. I'll have two more.

No, I'm fine.

They're for me.

So, you're sure that my political adviser

is gonna show up here?

Maurice? Free wine.

Did Michael Jackson ever miss a kids' Xmas party at the office?

I don't think Michael Jackson had an office.

-What? -This girl. This girl.

-She's checking you out. -I think I know her.

Why is she staring at me like that?

Nordic girls can be pretty aggressive.

Oh, Okay. [giggles]

What should I do?

She's coming over.

Oh, fuck, man. I feel like an object. It feels bad.

-Hi. -Oh, hey!

[giggling]

Do you want some white?

Are there two Polish guys waiting to kill me

and steal my genitals

[chuckles] once you've got me drunk?

No. [awkward laugh]

That's what you would say if there were.

Okay. I'm just gonna leave you with your friend.

-No. -No, it's Okay.

Samy.

Swedes are into that consent thing big time.

You forgot your bottle.

[laughing]

I think you're a funny guy.

You don't need to feel threatened by me

because I'm homosexual.

I don't feel threatened by you.

Well, I'm not totally sure yet. I might not be gay.

Still not threatened.

I'm also thinking of, like, having a sex change this summer.

Wow. That's very cool.

The restaurant I told you about...

Do you have painful periods?

[burps]

-I'm sorry, I just... -No,

I'm just gonna see you later.

That was a pleasant moment for everyone, man.

Maurice! Maurice!

This is your political adviser.

[in French]

[in English] He hates me, man.

Oh, shit.

It's bad, right?

They're packing up, man. Just wait.

[quirky music]

[in French]

[sniffs]

[laughing]

[chuckles]

[indistinct yelling]

[in English] So...

You really traded an innocent girl for some political support.

That's wild.

I didn't trade anyone.

I just left a party because I was tired

and I have an important meeting.

[laughing]

That's not the way I'll recount it in my memoirs.

No one is gonna buy your memoirs anyway.

That's some serious hand-washing, Pontius Pilate.

-Hey! -Hey!

You forgot something.

[camera clicking]

[moans]

-Is this really happening? -Yes.

[giggles]

Don't tell anyone, Okay?

You said I had forgotten something?

-The kiss! -Oh, the kiss!

[giggling]

[tense music]

-I think I need another drink. -I think I need another job.

[in French]

[in English] Can you put the smile away,

please? It's a ghastly sight this early in the morning.

Whoa. Okay. Sorry, I think I found love.

The Swedish girl?

You told her?

-No. -He did.

What's the secret anyway? No one cares.

-Why are you so angry, then? -I'm not angry.

Really? I can't tell if it's your angry face

or if it's your normal face that always looks angry. [chuckles]

-Did you have wild sex? -No.

Which party is she from?

The Democrats of Sweden or something.

Why didn't you have sex?

Because I am staying in a dorm at a youth hostel [chuckles]

and her mom was sleeping at hers.

Plus, it's not about that.

We talked all night.

She's so nice, she's funny...

She's a Nazi.

What?

The Democrats of Sweden are Nazis.

They cannot be Nazis because Nazis don't exist anymore.

Nazis aren't like dodos or polar bears.

They can disappear and come back again.

They're democrats and Swedish, two things everybody loves.

Yeah. That's because everything is the opposite

of what it's named here.

What?

The Ocean Preserver Association, from which you copied

amendments, is the lobby of the fat polluters

riding big boats and using electric fishing.

The Democrats of Sweden

who sit in the Nations and Freedom for Europe Group

are Nazis who hate freedom, Europe and other nations.

Your group is the Direct Democracy for Freedom in Europe

so, you're Nazis too.

No, we're not Nazis. We're confused, it's very different.

She cannot be a Nazi, because she is the kindest girl.

She strokes my hair. She loves it when I talk in French.

-Did you try German? -[laughs]

That's offensive.

But it's funny.

Because it's mean.

Since when are you two friends?

-We're not. -We're best friends.

Anyway. I have an important compromise meeting

to attend and sharks to save, so if you'll excuse me.

Maurice!

What are we gonna do now, best friend?

Absolutely not.

Maurice.

[in French]

[grunting]

[tense music]

[door slams shut]

[muffled yelling]

[upbeat music]

[speaking in Foreign Language]

[arguing indistinctly]

[upbeat music]