Original subtitles

Hey, there's the man I wanted to see.

Here I am. Take it in. Enjoy.

You look good. Is it me, or have you lost weight?

It is you. I've gained six pounds in the last three weeks.

I think there's something terribly wrong with my thyroid.

-Morning. -Well, you wear it well.

We can't afford to get you an assistant.

-You're fat. -That's nice.

ROMAN: Morning. Morning.

Hey, happy Monday.

Uh-oh. Working the cords from Friday, Bernard. Nice.

Make him stop.

He's done that with every single person that's walked through that door.

I mean, I adore him, but he's making me angry.

Don't you understand? He's not good at anything.

Can we start over? You're not fat,

and even if you were, you got a great personality. Can I have an assistant?

-Yes, you can. -(GASPS)

-Roman. -Roman?

-Roman? -Roman?

I'm working for Alice now?

Yes, you are, buddy, so pack up

none of your stuff and get on over there.

Well, I am gonna bring my smile.

Ah! Can't believe I'm an assistant.

I don't know about a specific title.

Assistant, helper... Let's land on helper.

Hey, do you have a mini fridge in your office

where I can store my stomach medicine?

You're welcome. Let's all...

Benjamin?

My office. Chop-chop.

Oh, good.

I've had it with our PA announcer. He is out of control.

Yes, Rod is, uh, what's the word? Uh, stupid.

But people love him.

What could he possibly have done that was so wrong?

Number 24, Orlando Robertson,

a 6'5" guard from some crap-heap town

50 miles from where my wife is sleeping with her tennis coach.

If IRS Agent Tom Murphy happens to be here...

You can suck it.

-(BUZZER RINGS) -And that's the end of the second quarter,

and I'm only wearing a napkin.

I'll take care of it.

Benjamin, not so fast.

Do you notice something wrong with my office?

We've talked about this. They can't make it rotate.

It's filthy.

Yes, I apologize about the inconvenience.

Unfortunately, our nighttime cleaning woman, Nadia passed away.

What? She's gone?

Why wasn't I told about this?

Well, I did write you a note, and put it in the center of your desk,

and highlighted the words "Death in the Sunshine family,"

and here it is, surrounding your wad of big league chew.

Oh, well. We'll have the funeral here.

Wednesday. Make the arrangements.

Oh, that's very generous of you, but the rodeo will be here,

and we won't have time for the changeover.

The service will be here Wednesday. Make it happen.

Damn it, we're a good team.

Here are your messages, and you might want to check your e-mails.

There's one that makes me uncomfortable.

Not as uncomfortable as it makes me that you read my e-mails.

It's from Alice. She says she really wants to talk.

She says even though she sees you all the time, she misses you.

I'm reading it, Heather.

She feels like you guys have been distant lately.

You're going too fast. Let me get there.

The next part makes me blush.

She misses your man aroma.

It doesn't say anything like that.

It was clearly implied.

What does this mean? She seems so happy with Alonzo.

Do you think she wants to get back together with me?

Maybe she wants both of you.

She seems very open-minded that way.

Huh.

Could you leave me alone for about 14 minutes?

Okay.

Roman, could you remind me to follow up with Ben on an e-mail I sent

about drinks with the Pizza King people on Friday night?

Do I want to have drinks with the Pizza King people?

What?

So what are you gonna do about Alice's e-mail?

I really don't know.

Well, if it helps, I've drafted two responses.

One sweet, one dirty.

Let me see the dirty one.

CHORUS: * Mr. Sunshine, yay!

Excuse me, do you have an appointment?

Hey, Alice. I read your...

...Horoscope, and Mercury's in retrograde.

So, you know, just be aware of that.

I haven't met you before.

Ben, this is Tanya. She's, uh, my, uh...

Ex-wife.

Hi, Ben. It's great to finally meet you.

Are you sure you don't want to come to lunch with us, babe?

I would love to, but as you know,

-I'm breaking in someone new. -(INTERCOM BEEPS)

(ROMAN OVER INTERCOM) Ben's in your office.

Thank you, Roman. He's very good.

You guys go on and enjoy yourselves.

Oh, not too much, though.

(FORCED LAUGH)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Why... Why am I laughing? I'm getting out of here.

Oh, Ben. Um, hey, did you get my e-mail?

Uh, yeah. Are you sure you want to discuss that right now?

What's to talk about? Are you in or out?

Well, can we just at least meet later to talk about it?

No, I'm gonna be with Alonzo later.

Alonzo? But...

You know what? Just hit me back when you know what you want to do.

So, we're gonna head out.

Hey, sweetie. Um...

This probably isn't the best time, but, um, did you get my e-mail?

Yeah, I did, I did. Uh...

I'm not sure about it, but if it's important to you...

-It's not important to you? -Yes. Sure.

Uh, can we talk about it later? Tanya's waiting.

Yeah, okay.

Aw, thanks, babe. Get you right in that nook right there.

-(SIGHS) -Wow.

It's great how cool you are that Alonzo and his ex-wife are still friends.

Oh, yeah. She's great. And they were great together,

but now he's my boyfriend, and we're all friends.

Wish I had a friend that was that pretty.

Oh, really? You think she's pretty, huh?

Yeah, I don't see it.

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Yeah.

Ben Donovan!

Ah, that never gets old. Do it in Spanish.

Oye, Benito Donovanito!

-I love it. You're the best. -No, you're the best.

-No, you. -No, you.

-Let's stop doing that. -Okay.

Rod, the reason I came down here is,

lately you haven't exactly been bringing your A game.

I know, I know. I'm sorry about last night. It's...

This damned economy's got my finances in the crapper.

But I promise you, tomorrow at the rodeo,

you're gonna have the old Rod the Bod back.

You know you're the only person who actually calls yourself that?

Yeah.

Well, Kierkegaard, mostly, yeah.

Crystal, I got a call from a maintenance worker

claiming that someone stole a cleaning cart.

This was Nadia's cart,

and I'd like you to incorporate it into the memorial service.

Okay. Quick question.

The funeral arrangements already include a Russian folk band,

a hundred doves, and Susan Boyle singing Uptown Girl.

-What's going on? -I know it sounds improbable.

Jump ahead.

Despite our cultural divide and different stations in society,

Nadia and I were friends.

Oh, I had no idea.

We would be here late at night.

Nadia would come through with her cart and we'd chat.

Surprisingly, we had a lot in common.

We were both young mothers. We both came from nothing.

I, of course, went on to own this arena,

and she sold homemade pickles from a backpack for extra scratch.

-That sounds really nice. -They were a little tart.

And then we'd have a few drinks,

and then Nadia would copilot my car home

and take several buses back to work.

Aw...

I'd like to give my friend a nice send-off.

I get it. I'll try not to let you down.

Aw, damn it. Nadia's hat.

What did Alice say about the e-mail?

I don't know. It was really weird.

She tried to talk to me about it in front of Alonzo and his ex-wife.

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking? -Probably not.

I think something's going on.

Well, then, I am thinking what you're thinking.

I just don't know what that thing is.

You know who will? Roman.

Roman? Roman doesn't know anything about anything.

The other day he asked me what the letter Q was.

He's Alice's new assistant. He'll know everything about her,

-just like I know everything about you. -No, you don't.

You've watched every single episode of Private Practice.

You don't understand the plot of Waterworld

and you sleep holding a throw pillow every night

because you tell yourself it's a socially acceptable teddy bear.

If the world is covered in water, then why is everyone so dirty?

I'll talk to Roman.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Alice, listen to me.

I have seen the way he looks at you, girl,

and there is no way a man could feel that way about two women.

No, it's okay. You call me anytime. I'm here.

Oh, also, SoCal Wireless people are coming at 9:00,

and I left some papers on your desk for you to sign.

Okay.

H's and K's. (CHUCKLES) Bye.

Oh.

Oh, Ben.

What a day.

So how was your first day with Alice?

You gettin' the hang of it? How was Alice?

Not so hot so.

Really? Did she, uh, mention me at all?

Not you, but, uh...

Let's just say that someone

is spending a little too much time with his ex-wife,

and someone else is pretty upset about it.

Alice is upset with Alonzo? How upset?

I'm not using names, but you're awfully close.

You're talking about Alice.

You are really good at this. It is Alice.

(CHUCKLES) But you know what? I'm not spreading any office gossip.

What? No! Goss... Gossip is good!

In ancient Greece, gossip was the only way two people could, uh...

Just tell me what's going on.

(SIGHS) Okay. Well, Mindy's skin rash is back,

and it has spread to her... (WHISTLING)

Not Mindy. I'm talking about Alice.

I think she wants to reconnect with me, but she's conflicted about it.

I need more information,

and you are privy to every single thing that's going on in her life,

so you can give me that.

Yeah, I don't know. I work for her now.

Yeah, as her helper. What is that?

You're my friend, and you live here,

and I made you a sandwich that one time.

Or you made it for me, and I didn't like it and gave it back to you.

The point is, there was a sandwich made, and you ate it.

-I need your help, Roman. -(GROANS)

That was such a good sandwich.

Okay. I'll see what I can find out.

-Great. Thanks. -Mmm.

I like you so much right now, I'm gonna do the dishes tonight.

-Really? -No, you have to do 'em. You live here for free.

(GROANS)

Did you talk to Rod the Bod?

Oh, please, don't encourage that.

I did, and I think he's gonna be okay.

He's just going through a tough time financially.

He had to put his water bed on craigslist.

Oh, my God. How much?

$350, but you have to pick it up.

Ooh, that's pretty steep for no delivery. I'll have to think about it.

Anyway, I think he got the message.

(ROD OVER PA) And that, my fat friends,

is what we cowboys call a jerk-down!

Okay, let's just hear him out.

My nickname for my privates is Astro Boy.

Yeah, you're fired.

Yeah.

A messenger just dropped this off for Alonzo.

Uh, it's from a law firm, and he's not in his office.

-Should I just put it on his desk? -I'll take it for him. Thanks.

Legal issues, huh? (FORCED CHUCKLE)

Hope that's not anything that would take him away from you for a while.

But, you know, if it did, who would... Who would comfort you

through the hard times?

Hard times?

Yeah, I mean, it's funny you should mention it,

because I know exactly who I would turn to in my hard times.

It'd be Ben. (LAUGHS) Oh, what a handsome guy.

Piercing blue eyes, don't you think?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah. Well...

(LOW) Let's put a pin in this.

-Hey. -Hey.

-This came for you. -Oh, yeah?

This? Oh, this is nothing at all.

Okay, that's not true. This is something.

Uh, one could argue that it's nothing.

Uh, you might argue that it's something.

Uh...

Tanya and I are still married.

-What? -Technically.

But we're getting divorced.

(SHAKILY) You're married? Oh, my God.

I cannot believe I felt stupid for feeling insecure

about you two spending so much time together.

Look, I know it's upsetting, but honestly, we're only still married on paper

so she can stay on my health insurance.

We're not in love anymore. She just has some funky foot stuff happening.

Who wants biscotti?

Roman, uh, could you please give us a moment?

No, Roman stays. He's my assistant.

And of all the people in this room, he is clearly the only one that I can trust.

Assistant.

Come on, Alice. I think you're overreacting.

I am not overreacting.

If you were married, you were still in that relationship

and not entirely in this one!

I think you should leave.

It's okay. I'll... I'll leave.

Sorry about the rush, Bobert, but there's a funeral here tomorrow,

so the sooner we get all the animals out,

the sooner we get the animal smell out.

It's funny. Nadia could helped us out.

She was great with smells. I remember this one time when Meat Loaf was here...

Yeah, well, we all have stories.

Bobert, has a former lover ever tried to return to you?

-Yes. -Really?

Because I think that's what's happening to me right now,

and I can't stop thinking about it.

Is it good? Is it bad?

Would we still have the same problems that we had before?

See, we've become friends, so now I know that she's kind of

crazy and neurotic and needy.

But all of that stuff just makes me want her even more, maybe.

Although, it's entirely possible

that the only reason I'm interested is because she's unavailable.

What are your thoughts, Bobert?

Yeah, mine was more of a "This is your kid" kind of deal.

I see.

So what's going on with the rodeo?

We're all ready to go, except this one bull won't get on the truck.

-Why? -Who knows?

Maybe he's not that psyched about a three day ride back to Florida.

Or maybe he's still a little put out about being ridden around in a circle

with his testicles cinched.

Yeah. Florida sucks.

Why is the rodeo still here?

Okay, listen, can we just talk about this?

-What's going on? -What are you talking about?

Well, I know that you're upset with Alonzo because he keeps

spending all of this time with his beautiful ex-wife.

What? How do you know about that?

-What? -No one knows about that. I didn't tell any...

Oh, of course. I can't believe it.

What? No. Alice. No. What...

Ben. I don't think there's any reason to panic,

but the bull still won't get on the truck,

and the two men with the tranquilizer guns just shot each other.

So I'm gonna book.

(SNORTS)

So I guess what I'm saying is, do you think Alice and I would make a good couple?

Ooh, this must be Nadia's family.

Or the Russian mafia has finally come back for payment.

No, I'm square with them.

-Hello. -(SING-SONG VOICE) Welcome.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Ah, Miss Crystal.

Thank you so much for this beautiful event.

My Nadia want you have this.

Oh, thank you so much.

Please help yourself to food.

We have some of those breakfast fishes you people enjoy.

-Oh, nice. -Ooh!

That's quite a rock.

My Nadia very generous to family.

Welcome.

Do svidanya.

Something else in Russian.

Benjamin. They're wearing my stuff.

My jewels, my furs. She stole it all from me.

I thought those red leather pants looked familiar.

All those years, Nadia wasn't my friend.

She was just plying me with vodka and salted cabbage.

Crystal, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to cancel the service?

No. We're gonna go through with it.

I'm gonna handle myself in a dignified and mature way,

by ripping that old potato peeler a new one in her eulogy.

-What's Russian for skank? -I don't know.

-I'm just gonna say skank. -Okay.

ROMAN: Morning. Morning.

Good morning.

Glad you made it.

Bernie, do you even have any other pants?

Roman, what's going on?

Well, it seems a certain someone told someone...

You know what? I'm just gonna use names.

Ben got Roman fired by Alice.

-What's shaking, Garrett? -Nothin'.

You fired Roman? How could you do that?

He betrayed my trust. To you.

Hey, I had his trust first, and none of this would have happened

if you hadn't sent me that emotional e-mail.

Emotional e-mail?

Either go to drinks with the Pizza King people or don't.

No. The one about you missing me

and feeling distant and needing to talk.

Wait, that went to you? That was a mistake.

That was supposed to go to Alonzo.

A mistake?

Out of the tens of thousands of people who work in this office,

you just happened to send it to me?

Okay, you know what?

Thirty people work here, and I send you e-mails all day long.

Oh, well, I guess that just explains everything.

Actually, it does explain almost all of it.

So you thought I was reaching out to you,

and this is how you deal with that?

Sneaking around, using Roman as your spy?

-Yes! -You're an idiot.

I am an idiot.

-Well, what do we do now? -I don't know.

-Well, I'm gonna go! -Okay!

Crystal?

Everyone's headed down to the service. Are you coming?

Yeah. In a minute.

Oh, hello.

I left my purse.

You're Nadia's granddaughter, right?

-What's your name? -Crystal.

What can be said about Nadia?

Sometimes we think we know someone,

only to find out they have many layers.

There are people inside people.

Inside people. Inside people.

On the outside, Nadia was a hardworking employee

who could change the world with a rag and some window cleaner.

But underneath, she was a thief.

Uh-oh.

A thief who stole a diamond encrusted leopard broach

and gave it to someone who put it on a blazer from Mervyn's.

But then, under that, she was a kind mother and grandmother

who took care of her family.

But under that, a fat, dirty skank.

(ALL EXCLAIMING SOFTLY)

But Nadia had a kind and loyal heart.

And she was my friend.

I forgive you, Nadia.

And I will miss you terribly.

(SIGHS)

(KISSES)

Alice, I'm sorry.

Sometimes, in trying to help everybody else,

I forget to pay enough attention to the person who matters most.

I'm gonna stop seeing Tanya.

You don't have to do that. She's part of your life.

You're my life.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm sorry I took advantage of your friendship

and put you in an awkward situation with Alice.

That was wrong.

And I'm gonna get you a new job.

Thanks, but you don't have to.

I'm Alice's assistant again.

Well, congratulations. That's great.

You got a job and you stuck to it, and you are good at it.

Hmm. Thanks.

And we're doing that now.

(ROD OVER PA) Now playing for the big team in the sky.

The cleaning lady!

I guess Rod's back.

And the clock reads zero.

Game of life... Over.

From way downtown, boom shakalaka,

she's dead!

-(ALL EXCLAIMING SOFTLY) -Would you excuse me?

-(ALL SCREAMING) -Huh.

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