Original subtitles

-- Subs by kinglouisxx -- for www.addic7ed.com

All right, everybody, let's collectively rewind

our minds back in time...

66 million years ago, to be precise.

The dinosaurs are here on Earth.

Meanwhile, up in space, our asteroid is now hurtling

towards the Earth, getting hotter and hotter.

If you were a terrestrial dinosaur,

you'd have experienced some heat

that is almost unimaginable...

something like 1,200 degrees.

At that temperature, your blood will literally start

to boil inside your body,

and you will die.

Wait. You're actually gonna sign that?

You're actually wearing nails that say "Pussy Power"?

Maybe I really love cats.

Prove it.

You want me to show you my pussy?

She's a comedy queen, baby!

Um, why haven't you accepted

my follow request on Insta?

Okay. So I get dress-coded, but meanwhile,

no one does anything about all the real fashion crimes

against humanity happening in this school.

Slip-ons with socks?

Wraparound sunglasses?

I mean, you need to be arresting those people

and expelling them and making them fly drones into their head

so they accidentally drown.

There we go.

I got you.

So, why won't you let me follow you?

You're one away from suspension.

And?

Okay, okay. That... That just pisses me off.

'Cause we got bigger fish to fry.

"We"? Who's "we"?

Like "Black people"?

Like "Black queer people"?

What if this is the fish I want to fry?

So I saw this, um...

this video of you jumping off a boat to help Nathan?

Oh! It made it all the way to VHS.

Be that person.

Is this where you therapize me?

Can I recommend a therapist?

But you know I just want to lie on your couch.

You need to repaint your nails.

So that's a no.

Is it 'cause you got a boyfriend?

I was a band geek in high school.

You know, I... I loved it.

Someone else's music, someone else's steps,

someone else's clothes.

Conformity... just give me more of it.

Literally, let me march to the beat of someone else's drum.

I see you, and it's like I'm...

You are who I wish I was in high school.

So accept my Insta request.

You need to go now.

See you at GSA.

Yeah, um, actually, I got stuff to take care of,

so I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Okay, then.

We'll miss you.

I'm the asteroid.

You're the dinosaur.

I love that podcast.

The atmosphere blows up,

and the dinosaurs go extinct in a second.

But, like, all the little creatures living in the dirt

just under the surface survive.

So what? We're all just supposed to hide underground

and wait for the apocalypse?

Like, for what?

I'm sorry. I'm just, like,

experiencing rejection on multiple levels.

You want a hit?

No.

It's the fucking Binary, you know?

Yeah.

Actually, no, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Yeah, this is just The Great Binary

doing its work...

Stay or go.

Isolate or celebrate.

Funyuns or Hot Cheetos.

But this Binary keeps wanting you to choose.

In or out.

So you're just like can't stay in, so gotta be out.

Then the Binary wins.

Now I'm thinking about In-N-Out.

Shit.

My munchies are setting in.

No, don't do it.

That zucchini bread is nasty.

Yeah. I dunno.

For some reason, I'm just really attracted to it,

and I want to get to know it better.

...and then you have to stand up

and be like, "I'm Naomi.

My pronouns are she/her, and I'm a lesbian."

But I'm not!

I'm only going because you're my best friend

and my brother's bi.

Shit. I don't know.

Those are some tough motherfuckers in there.

If they think you're straight at all,

they will fucking cut you.

I only get a pass 'cause my dads,

but it's touch-and-go, so you have to say it.

Wait. Are you serious?

Bitch, I'm just messing with you!

Oh, my God! I'm dying!

I'm dying!

Hey, Jack.

Rose.

Are you, um... Are you going in?

No, um, I got stuff I need to take care of.

We need you.

Otherwise, it's just gonna be, like, 10 hours of Delilah

TED-talking about trigger warnings.

I can't save everyone all the time, you know.

I like your nails.

"Posse Power."

Um, I-I'll see you later.

Okay, bye.

Oh! By the way, I just found out your grandma's white!

Why would we take a field trip to a wall?

Stonewall isn't a wall.

I can see us raising money for a trip,

but New York might be a little tricky.

Last year, the Young Republicans went to Fort Lee.

Yeah, well, they're much better funded than we are.

- Hi. - Hi.

Just, um, before we keep going with, you know,

all of that, uh...

And I know things are changing in here,

and, you know, new people, and...

and you like to run things the way you do, which is great.

I just think it might be nice if I were to introduce us

to someone new with us.

This is Luz, my star soccer player.

Top scorer here.

This girl really knows how to score.

'Sup.

So, is there anything you'd like to share,

Luz, that brought you here?

Any issues, or...?

Yeah, I'm single.

That's an issue.

I'd like to fix that.

- Hit me up. - Yeah.

Can we go back to the trip?

We have to do something.

I just feel like we're all really complacent.

Maybe we should just do, like, a dance or something?

That's not a bad idea.

Or there's gay day at Disneyland.

Yeah, um, Disney's pretty problematic.

It is.

I mean, Ursula's the villain and a drag queen lesbian.

- That's really cool. - Scar, lispy villain who literally says,

"Let me practice my curtsy."

Or "Toy Story" Ken...

closeted gay fashionista who's all "I am not a girl toy."

Like, and he's saying that, like,

literally the worst thing a boy could be is a girl or gay.

It's just... I don't think we can give money to that company.

I'm sorry. We can't.

I kind of agree with Delilah.

I mean, not about the Disney thing.

I love me my Disney musicals.

But history, yes.

I'm on this whole thing right now

about the history of humankind,

and I just have to say, we are living in a bubble.

Like, I'm sick of all this short-term memory.

We're like, "Oh, I would never let there be

concentration camps," and, like,

we're literally putting kids in cages right now.

Fuck! I don't know.

Like, I'm all worked up, and I don't even know why.

But I agree with Delilah.

Like, I don't want to sit and argue

about who's making Rice Krispie treats

for some shitty bake sale.

Like, let's tell the school they have to give us money.

Let's go to the Queer Motherland, San Francisco.

Let's learn some historical shit about ourselves.

And from now on, let's just,

like, get it the fuck right, okay?

Wait. You guys...

Ooh!

Also, doesn't San Francisco have, like,

that three-story H&M?

Girl.

Chester.

That was perfect.

May I?

Yeah.

Let's give them something to talk about.

Okay. But they're also literally not talking at all.

Wait. I don't understand.

Like, you came out, you jumped off a boat.

Like, nobody's saying anything?

Yeah, no. My mom is just like, "Oh, hi.

Everything's bueno."

Is she gonna freak?

Probably.

Do you want me to stop?

You jump, I jump, right?

Oh, my God. No, seriously, stop.

- No. - Yes.

Please hit an iceberg.

Oh, my God. We should do the thing.

- What thing? - We're doing the thing.

- "The thing." - Come on.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Close your eyes.

Do you trust me?

Now open your eyes.

Literally posting this for the world.

Megan!

- It's Lindsay. - Oh.

I know who you are, Lindsay.

We're on that thingy together.

Oh. How's it going?

Things are good.

Good. I'm so glad.

So glad.

It's just, I know how kids are... mean...

so I wanted to check in on you.

Oh, thanks. I so appreciate that.

Do I know what you're talking about?

I'm sorry.

I'm incredibly confused.

What is your kid's name again?

- Ella. - Ella Michaels. Right.

I was confusing her with the Ella

who got caught selling her parents' pot.

She was barely making a profit.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That was your Ella.

Oh, God.

Ella felt just sick about that video of Nathan.

Ohh.

Oh, my God.

Literally posting this for the world.

She's a birdy.

Yes! Oh, my gosh! You're making me fall!

Sorry. What's this for?

Snacks. For the meeting next week.

We still need gluten-free cookies

or anything vegan/sugar-free!

You know what? I am not busting my fanny

making vegan/sugar-free desserts for 20 people.

Seriously.

Whatever happened to just cookies?

Well, Megan, we do already have

quite a few different types of cookies.

Great. Then that should be enough.

You now, there was a day when people were happy with cookies.

Now it's all... "Oh, no, I identify as a...

sugar-hating fake celiac-person" or whatever.

You know what? You don't want cookies?

- Have a carrot. - Melissa's bringing carrots.

Oh! Well, you know what?

Someone might not identify as an orange carrot eater,

so you should bring some white carrots and some red carrots.

Right?

So tedious.

"Pay attention to me!

Special allergic person me!

"I identify as..."

I'm sorry, but...

there was a time when people were just normal.

You know? Just...

Hon?

Fuck.

Ow.

Damn it!

Can you not glue my finger?

I'm not, and you're welcome.

Okay, yeah. But you see, it's on my skin...

Mom!

Did you see that, um...

- video loop thing? - Of Nathan?

Yeah, everyone saw it.

Oh, I see.

- So everyone knows? - What do you mean?

There were a gazillion people there.

I think they all understood, though,

that it was just a silly joke nothing-thing.

- Right? - He's a mess, okay?

And a total attention whore.

Yes! That's my whole point.

But it's not like he was making it up,

and it's not that big of a deal.

I mean, I guess you think he's going to hell or whatever,

but I just think he has,

like, character problems and moral issues.

- Yeah. - And can be selfish.

But I think he's just freaked out a bit,

and I think it's weird you don't talk to him.

He knows where I stand.

Yeah. Okay.

You do you.

Oh, you know what?

I really hate that expression.

"You do you"? I don't even know what that means.

I'm just asking you to keep me in the loop.

You know, with your brother.

Yeah, not gonna do that.

- Talk to him. - Wha...

You're welcome for the nail.

- Hey, hey! - You guys!

What a surprise! It's not frosé night!

Well, Thursday's too far away, and Mama needed her cocktail.

I am loving this tropical print.

Hello, Malibu Megan!

Nice manners!

You make us so proud!

- Go on back. - Sorry.

Go.

What? I just thought it'd be nice to blow off a little steam

with the boys.

I am giving up on him.

I am.

I am giving up on Brad Pitt.

That "12 Monkeys" thing.

And "The Trees of Life"?

And the Fighting Club?

They're all just so confusing.

Why is Edward Norton punching himself?

I just... I'm sorry, Brad.

Just please take off your shirt and shut up.

You don't have to prove you're smart

by being in movies normal people can't understand.

Well, in what context did you watch them?

What do you mean?

I just mean, some films you have to give your full

and undivided attention to.

And if you're talking through them, you know,

it's kind of hard.

Like "Inception."

Well, be interesting, and I won't talk through you.

Okay?

Who wants more?

- Come on. - Thanks.

How's Nathan?

He's good!

Well, we're...

a little bit worried.

What? Come on, honey.

- It's Patrick and Joe. - I know!

But just what...

What is there to talk about?

It's just a lot of change.

You know?

And I have those apps, you know?

I meditate. I get it.

The only thing that's permanent is impermanence and...

Namaste.

Savasana, whatever.

I don't know. It's just a lot.

Which is why, at the end of the day,

I just want Brad Pitt to take off his shirt

and stop making me have to think.

Look, the Nathan thing, it's just a little confusing, you know?

Generally, bi is confusing.

It's really not confusing.

"Inception" is confusing.

- Honey, I find it... - Who wants more?

- I find it a little confusing. - It's not.

Want more?

I have learned a lot, actually, online.

Yeah.

Some of it's a little bit too much.

I mean, did I need to know there is an entire category

for "Bisexual Cuckold Porn"?

What? No!

But... I don't know... it is... it's all about choices.

Right? And...

And our job is to make sure that Nathan chooses well.

- May I speak frankly? - Mm, not too frankly.

Okay.

Bisexuality can be confusing.

But it doesn't mean that they're, you know,

cheating all the time or having a bunch of threesomes

or sleeping with everything that moves.

And I get it, because one of the things

that makes it so confusing

is that literally every gay man came out as bi first.

I mean, I said I was bi,

and I was gayer than a straight guy in a musical.

Wait.

I starred in all my college musicals.

Now, I'm not saying Nathan is using bi as an excuse.

He's not.

He's not.

I mean, come...

I have a feeling that Nathan likes a little drama.

They all do.

They all like to say, "I'm this today,"

or, "Today I'm that," you know?

And to have all their friends comment and...

put likes on their posts and whatnot.

But half the time, they don't even know what the words mean.

My point is that I know my son.

And I know what will make him happy.

Right? And that is all that I want for him.

It's his happiness.

With a woman.

Motherfucker!

Hon?

God... It's broken.

It's just a... bottle of red.

♪ I'm sittin' on top of the world ♪

♪ I've got the most wonderful girl ♪

...it's all about choices.

Right? And...

And our job is to make sure that Nathan chooses well.

- May I speak frankly? - Mm, not too frankly.

Okay.

Bisexuality can be confusing.

But it doesn't mean that they're, you know,

cheating all the time or having a bunch of threesomes

or sleeping with everything that moves.

And I get it, because one of the things

that makes it so confusing

is that literally every gay man came out as bi first.

I mean, I said I was bi,

and I was gayer than a straight guy in a musical.

Wait.

I starred in all my college musicals.

Now, I'm not saying Nathan is using bi as an excuse.

He's not. He's not.

I have a feeling that Nathan likes a little drama.

They all do.

They all like to say, "I'm this today,"

or, "Today I'm that," you know?

And to have all their friends comment and...

put likes on their posts and whatnot.

But half the time, they don't even know what the words mean.

My point is that I know my son.

And I know what will make him happy.

Right? And that is all that I want for him.

It's his happiness.

With a woman.

She's gross.

She's the grossest thing I've ever seen.

Oh. Finally.

- Hey. - Mm.

Gets the job done, okay?

Oh.

Mmm.

That's actually pretty good.

- Who did your nails? - Chester.

Oh, stop. It's nothing.

If a man jumps in the water for me and paints my nails,

then he is, for sure, thirsty for me.

No, it's the opposite.

He's so not into me, he's just like,

"Oh, let me save this poor drowning puppy."

Hey.

You're good.

Why couldn't you have just gotten wine?

They'd notice.

And you try measuring booze while your parents

discuss your sex life.

My dads think you're definitely gay.

But that's just them.

I told them I didn't get gay vibes.

Oh, my God. You guys are so weird.

What did you tell them?

I told them that we kissed.

- Ugh. - Why?

I told them I liked it.

Oh, my God.

And they were like, "Don't get hurt, babydoll,"

'cause they think you're just using me

to pretend you're not gay.

But really I think it's because

they had a shitshow with their third,

so they're just very anti- anything romantic right now.

I wasn't using you.

Oh, I know.

Uh, I'm just gonna get something.

I'll be right back.

Wait. Do you enthusiastically consent?

I just put your hand on my tit.

Oh, shit. Naomi's upset.

I'm sorry. It's just me and her,

we're finally, like...

- No, I get it. - But I loved it.

And, um...

thank you.

Arianna! We're going!

Arianna!

Your lips just make me want to put my fingers in your mouth.

Arianna, we're going!

Naomi?

Look, I-I don't really have anything too good to say,

but, um...

I don't know. It's... It's weird.

It's, like, when someone likes me,

I-I kind of can't believe it.

Well...

You know that Boomerang of me?

I feel like that's just like who I am.

Doing the same stupid shitty thing over and over,

and I'm just watching myself, like, "Don't do that."