All language subtitles for Foul Play

Foul Play (1978)
Subtitles proofread by Pippi Longstocking
September 16, 2008

Good night, John.

- Good evening, Your Excellency.
- Good evening, Mrs. Russel.

Did the...? Did the meeting go well?

Oh, very well, indeed.

In fact, I feel certain now that
the opera gala will be a triumph.

Isn't that marvelous?
It's so exciting, so ecumenical, so...

Precisely. Good night, Mrs. Russel.

Good night, Your Excellency.

Great.

Perfect. Is that a shot?
Thank you.

- Janet, hi!
- Hi, how are you?

- Hello, how are you?
- You look so lovely.

- Thank you.
- Congratulations on your...

And I have no intention...

Excuse me.

Uh-oh. There we go.
My fault. Very much my fault.

Hey, come over here.
I wanna talk to you.

Sit down.
Now, what's this about you leaving?

I wanna take a ride along the coast,
and then I have to get back to the city.

And don't worry.
I promise I'll be here for your wedding.

You better. I need you.
So, what's going on tonight?

Oh, nothing special.
I'm gonna go to a movie.

- By yourself?
- Yes.

Gloria, this has got to stop.

Just because you've had one
bad experience

doesn't mean that you give up.

I haven't given up.
I came to this party, didn't I?

Ever since the divorce,
you lock yourself in that library

and hide behind those glasses.
Look at you.

You used to be a cheerleader.
You used to show some cleavage.

- What?
- Let's see some skin.

Shake your booty,
take some chances.

- What are you playing, old maid?
- I'm not playing anything.

That's the trouble.

- OK. OK, I get the message.
- Sure, you do.

Now, take tonight. Why don't you
go out there and mingle,

pick someone...
Oh, just a second.

- She's right, you know.
- What?

Nice party. Lot of chances.

Didn't anyone ever tell you that
eavesdropping is not nice?

My single worst problem as a child.

I'll never forget my mother and parole
officer getting together with the priest

- and discussing the difficulties I had...
- Excuse me. I've gotta go.

You're gonna love this. Hey, come on,
I'm sorry. I was just kidding around.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Yes, and it seems to be
in your mouth.

OK, I deserve that.
But listen, it's Gloria, right?

You're a really nice girl,
and I'm a nice guy,

and you're very pretty
with or without cleavage and...

What do you say?

Would you like to take a shower?

- I don't pick up strange men.
- Well, that's your problem.

So why don't you try it?

Barry Manilow: Ready to take a chance again

When you go for it
Well...

Hi. Thanks.

I'm really in a bind.
I've gotta be in the city by 5.

- Well, I'm going to...
- Thanks.

OK.

- What was wrong with your car?
- Radiator.

Oh, too bad. Do you live in the city?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

- So do I. It's fun, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Looks like we might have some rain.

Of course, you never know
with San Francisco weather.

One day it's wet and foggy, and three
hours later it's bright sunshine.

- What's your name?
- Gloria.

- That's a pretty name.
- Thank you.

Mine's Bob Scott.
Everybody calls me Scotty.

- Nice to meet you.
- It's really nice to meet you.

It's not every day I get rescued
by a girl in a yellow convertible.

- Cigarette?
- No, thanks. I don't smoke.

Yeah. I'm trying to
give them up myself.

- You'll live longer.
- Yeah.

That's my plan.

- Come on, Gloria. It'll be fun.
- Oh, I don't know.

Look, I'll meet you
in front of the theater.

- Where'd you say it was?
- The Nuart on Union Street.

Come on, Gloria, take a chance.

What have you got to lose?
I'll buy the popcorn.

Oh, all right.
But it is a retrospective, you know.

Hey, I love old movies.

Damn it. Three left.

Gloria, do me a favor.

Would you hold these for me
till this evening?

I'm trying to keep it down
to a pack a day.

- OK, if it'll help.
- It will be a big help, believe me.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I'll just put them in your purse.

Gee, gotta run.

- See you at the movies.
- Eight o'clock sharp.

Well, hello, there. I didn't think
you were gonna make it.

I know, the weather's awful outside.

That's why I bought my ticket
and came on in.

Cigarettes?

Oh, I don't think they let you
smoke in here, Scotty.

Here, have some popcorn.

Go ahead, take it. I'm finished.

- The film.
- Oh, well, you haven't missed much.

You see the man in the overcoat?

He's waiting for the Chinese sailor,

the one Alan Ladd thinks
kidnapped the old gypsy.

But the secretary told
the cab driver that...

Wait a minute.

There's going to be a murder.

Oh, I'm sure of it.

The police... Contact the police.

Well, actually, the cab driver
is with the police.

Except the Chinese sailor
doesn't know that.

What?

The Dwarf.

Beware of The Dwarf.

Gee, Scotty, I don't think there
is a dwarf in this movie.

Scotty? Are you all right? Scotty?

Come quickly!
There's a man dead in there!

- Where?
- In there!

I'm sorry.
You'll have to see the manager.

- Where is he?
- In his office.

But I wouldn't go in there
if I were you.

- Handsome Harry...
- Are you the manager?

Yes.

Quickly. A man's been killed!

- Killed? What? Where?
- In there!

Stop the film. Call the police.

Fred, turn off the projector.
Put on the houselights.

- Quickly, come with me.
- Not in my theater.

Harry!

All right! OK!

- He's gone.
- What the hell is this?

- I mean, my date. He was right here.
- Who?

My date. He was right here.
I swear.

Your date is the one who's
supposed to be dead?

Yes. He was sitting right next to me.
I gave him my popcorn. Where is it?

OK. All right, lady.
Just come with me.

- All right! We'll have it on in a minute.
- You've got to believe me.

- Yeah.
- Did you see my date?

Look, we'll talk about
it in the lobby, huh?

- I believe you, really.
- Did you see my date? Did you...?

Come on. We'll talk in the lobby. OK!

All right!

You tell Fred to start that projector
and bring down those houselights!

You've gotta believe me!

Lady, you made a fool
out of me in there!

I saw you out front.

- You didn't have any date.
- No, he came in late.

He was all wet and bleeding.

Sylvia. Where you going, honey?

Look, I'm sorry, Harry.
Intermission's in 20 minutes,

and I gotta go warm up
the weenies.

But, Sylvia... Sylvia.

He said, "Beware of the dwarf."

Dwarf? Listen...

...why don't you do me and you
a great big favor.

Why don't you just go home
and sleep this whole thing off.

I don't understand. He was dead.

I don't know what could have
happened to him.

Listen. You shouldn't go to picture
shows like this and smoke that stuff

if it's gonna affect you
the way it does, huh?

Dingbat!

Oh, Mr. Hennesey. It's you.

Whatever happened to you,
my darling?

- You look like you've seen the dead.
- I have.

In that case, come inside.
Tell me about it.

We'll have a nice hot cup of tea.

But it was so real. And that warning
about the murder was so sinister.

Well, my darling, Gloria,
people just don't drop dead in cinemas,

watching horror movies
and whispering, "Look out for the elf."

It was, "Beware of the dwarf."

Well, whatever.
He was playing a prank, that lad.

So you shouldn't take it
so seriously.

- Well, he did act rather strangely.
- Well, you see?

So you don't think I should
call the police?

The police? Whatever for?

I don't know.
I just have this strange feeling

that somebody's trying to kill me.

To kill yous? Well, you gonna
call the police and tell them

that you have a strange feeling?

I mean, they got killings of their own
to worry about, you know?

You're probably right.

They have killings and executions
and assassinations.

I think it's time we made
"murder" a four-letter word.

- Would you have a cookie?
- OK.

- They're good.
- Aren't they?

Well, when you've been an
anthropologist as long as I have,

you're working most of the time
in the field.

You acquire what my old father
used to call "culinary expertise".

I remember in Africa, in Kenya,

I was studying the lbutu tribe,
fascinating society,

and we could take a leaf from
their book, if they had books.

But they did have this wizened
old witch doctor,

and his name was Kiyato,
and he was a pretty good cook.

Here, I've got a picture of him.
I'll show you.

Esme! Get away from those cookies!
Esme, get away!

Get away from that! Hear?

Oh, poor Esme. You frightened her.

Well, she's getting too uppity.

She steals me out of
house and home.

Don't you, you wicked girl?
Don't you?

Where was I? Yes, the lbutu.

This is a commendable society.

It has severe taboos on murder
and light taboos on sex.

Thank you, Mr. Hennesey.
You've been wonderful.

Well, you're my favorite tenant.

And if anything disturbs you
in the middle of the night,

you just scream

and I'll be upstairs in a flash,
kicking ass.

Good night, I'll remember that.

Esme...

Pope Pius XIII, on the first leg
of his American tour,

today addressed a special meeting

of the United Nations
General Assembly in New York.

Stressing the urgency of world peace
and international harmony,

the smiling 72-year-old pontiff
received a warm reception

with the U.N. delegates frequently
breaking into spontaneous applause

during his speech.

New York is the first of five stops
for His Holiness in this country.

He'll meet with the president and
congressional leaders tomorrow

in the nation's capital, then travel
to Chicago and Los Angeles,

with a final stop here in San
Francisco, before flying on to Japan.

Vice president Abernathy
arrives in Guam tonight,

ready to begin talks tomorrow
with foreign ministers

of the now defunct SEATO pact.

The purpose of the new meetings
is to establish a new framework...

- You wanna have lunch today?
- Yeah.

Listen, I got a lot to tell you.

- Oh, yeah? What?
- I'll tell you at lunch.

Really, Gloria. Do you know the
percentage of rapes from hitchhikers?

- Have you any idea?
- No.

Plenty. And look at you,
with no protection.

Well, now, he didn't seem
to be after sex.

Rape is not an act of sex.

Rape is an act of violence.
Remember that.

Suppose that guy attacked you

instead of pulling that weird stunt
in the theater, huh?

What would you have done?

I would have hit him
with my umbrella.

Talk about ancient.

Really, honey, you gotta
drag yourself into the '70s.

You gotta get some merchandise.

You see this?
It's called "The Screamer".

They make a grab for your tits,
you just flick the switch.

Then you got your mace. Zap.
Right in the face.

And finally, for infighting,
the punch of power.

Crunch. Right in the nuts.

You certainly are prepared.

Nobody's gonna mess with Stella
unless Stella wants to be messed.

I don't know, all this stuff...

Gloria, sweetheart, we live in a
violent society. Weirdoes all around.

Get them before they get you.

- Good night, Mrs. Monk.
- Oh, good night.

- Taking your work home with you?
- Oh, yes.

I'm on to a fascinating sleuth,
you know, research is so exciting.

- Well, you're the best. Good night.
- Oh, well. Good night.

Oh, by the way, Gloria,
I almost forgot.

While you were out to lunch,
someone was inquiring for you.

He said he knew your pastor
and would get in touch with you later.

A nice little man. You know, a dwarf.

Well, good night again.

Oh, you frightened me.

I thought you were a dwarf.

You gave me quite a shock.
The library is closed.

Didn't you hear the bell? Oh, well.
Doesn't matter.

Anyway, I've already locked the front.
You can go out the back

with me if you want, but I just
have a few things to do before...

That way!

- Take me home.
- What?

Take me home, please.

Sure.

- My place or...? Or yours?
- Which is closer?

Well, I have a little pad
just around the corner.

Perfect.

- Do you mind if I finish my drink?
- Oh, no! Please. Do you have to?

No. No, I don't have to, Miss...

Mundy. Gloria Mundy.

Moria Glun... Moria Glundy.

- Can we go out the back way?
- The back way.

Fine with me, Gloria.
Anything you say.

My name is Stanley Tibbets.
Do you go to these bars often, Gloria?

I mean, not that there's anything wrong
with that. I mean, human desire...

It's a fascinating thing.
I mean, take me for instance.

I... I have an interesting job.
I... I work for the city.

- But every now and then...
- Couldn't we walk just a little faster?

Oh, you seem to be in a hurry.
Not that I object.

I mean, God, any man would love
a woman who lays it on the line.

Take, for instance,
the average woman,

who takes two weeks of dinners
before you even get to first base.

I mean, I've been in America
for two years, and...

- Mr. Tibbets, please!
- Oh, call me Stanley.

Here it is, my own little beaver trap.

Oh, don't turn the lights on just yet.

I'll go and close the curtains.

Oh, sure thing, baby.

Anything you say.

How's that?

Oh, listen. I don't want you to think that
I'm acting too strangely, but I have to...

No, no, no, no. No, I understand.
Make yourself comfortable.

- Oh, thank you.
- Let me get you a drink.

- That would be nice. Thank you.
- What would you like?

I've got it all.

I don't know.

Leave it to me. I know just
the thing for your mood.

Bee Gees: Stayin' Alive

How about that music?
Bee Gees: Stayin' Alive

- Fine.
- Great beat.

- Yes.
- Hidden speakers. Quadraphonic.

- Really?
- Yeah, I got it all.

Here we are, foxy loxy.

- Gloria.
- Gloria.

- Tastes like Tabasco.
- It's called Spanish fly.

I've never had it before.

Well, I know a few people...

...in Spain.

What about that, then?

- Look, Mr. Tibb...
- Stanley.

Stanley, I hope you don't mind
that I stay here just a moment.

- I just wanna make sure...
- No. No need for explanations.

Listen, as you say over here,

"You're put on this world
to do your thing.

"I'm put on this world
to do my thing.

"And if, perchance, our things...

"...do...

"...meet...

"...that's... That's groovy."

- I just wanna look out the window.
- Fine. Fine.

Do you...? Do you mind if I
make myself comfortable?

- Huh? No.
- No!

Do you have any binoculars?

What'd you say? Binoculars?

Are you into that too? Me as well.

I read about it in Penthouse.
Just a second.

Here you are, sweet thing.

- Thank you.
- Anything you want, doll face.

I got it all.

OK, Gloria!
What are we waiting for?

Oh, my God!

What's the matter, baby?

Well, what is this?
What are you doing?

Why are you undressed?

I don't believe it!
Did you think that I...?

Didn't you want to...?

Stanley, really.

- Where did you get the idea that...?
- It was just a bit of fun.

You know, a... A few laughs.

- What's this on the wall?
- That is... nothing.

It's... a training film.
It's purely educational.

- And what's over here?
- Oh, God!

Oh, my God. Did you...?
Where did you find all this stuff?

I'm sorry, I don't do this very often.

I never knew there was
such diversity.

- Please come back!
- It's amazing, just amazing.

- I got this for my nieces.
- Oh...

- No, I... I borrowed it for a party.
- Here, here, let me do that for you.

- Maybe I should call you a cab.
- Yes, please.

Mr. Hennesey?

Formal sentencing
will be in two weeks.

It's expected he will be given
the maximum penalty.

Continuing on his international
goodwill tour, Pope Pius Xlll

arrived today in Washington for
an informal visit with the president.

The two talked for more than an hour,
after which the pontiff was honored

at a huge White House reception
attended by what appeared to be

nearly every major dignitary
in the nation's capital...

... world peace and
universal brotherhood.

Next up, the vice president
arrives in San Francisco.

But first, this message.

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz
Oh, what a relief it is

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz
Oh, what a relief it is

Come over here.

Where is it?

- Where is it?
- What?

Lady... I don't want any trouble.

Just give me what
Scott gave you yesterday.

But he gave me nothing.

What did he give you in the car?

I swear he gave me nothing
except a pack of cigarettes.

- Where are they?
- In my purse.

Where's your purse? Where?

Over there, on the couch.

OK, stay.

No...

Hello? Police?

Oh, something terrible's happened.
What?

A murder. I wanna report a murder.

Oh, all right, but hurry!

Hello? Yes.

A man broke into my apartment,
and I think I've killed him!

Well, no.

No, it happened just now.

Just now, I came home
and he was here.

What? What?

Oh, all right, I'll hold on,
but hurry!

Gloria Mundy.

430 Vallejo, second-floor apartment.
Please, come right away...

Oh, no!

No! No!

Hello. How you feeling?

You. What are you doing here?

They're from the police.
Are you all right?

I'm inspector Ferguson, ma'am,

and this is my sometime partner,
Lieutenant Carlson.

They said you'd called about a murder.

I had to break the lock.

The body! Where's the body?

- What body?
- The dead body!

It was right there!
Didn't you see it?

Who?

And the phone...

And the window...

Oh, my God, it happened again.

- What's happened again?
- Just like last night.

- Just like in the movie theater.
- What?

The dead body.
It's gone! It vanished!

Well, maybe it was embarrassed.

Come on in here.
I think you better sit down.

But you don't understand.
The body has disappeared.

- Whose body was it?
- I don't know.

A man with a scar.

He tried to murder me,
but I stabbed him with the needles.

Oh, narcotics, huh?

No, knitting. And...

Oh, I put them back in the basket.

And the poker too.
Or did you do that?

Hey, relax.

All we did was get
an emergency call on a homicide.

We got here, broke in the door
with your landlord,

and found you unconscious
on the kitchen floor.

I carried you to the couch...

- You carried me?
- Yes.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

And you woke up insisting
that there's a dead body around here.

Look, I know it sounds strange,
but somebody cleaned the place up.

- And took away the dead body?
- Right.

Wait a minute!

I've got it!
It must have been the albino.

Who's the albino?

He's the one who killed
the man with the scar.

You said you killed
the man with the scar.

I did. Except he killed him
after I killed him.

See, I didn't really kill him.
I just stabbed him with the needles.

Right after he heard the cuckoo.

Oh, you don't believe me, do you?

But it's true. It really happened.

You believe me, don't you,
Mr. Hennesey?

My darling, if you believe it,
I believe it.

There's some very
mixed-up people out there.

They're puny spirits with small minds.

Like that man told you
in the movies last night,

"Beware of the midgets.
They're taking over the world."

Mr. Hennesey, he didn't.
He said, "Beware of the dwarf!"

A dwarf?

Well, whatever. Now,
you're not to worry about anything.

I'm here to make sure
that you're safe. In fact...

...l'm going to put a brand-new lock
on this door, right now.

A big one, yeah.

Oh, he doesn't believe me.

He thinks I've been dreaming
or something.

Don't be silly.

Gloria...

...did you drop acid
a little earlier tonight?

No. No, you don't understand!
A man tried to kill me here tonight.

- The albino?
- No, no!

- The man with the scar?
- Yes!

See, the albino tried to kill me earlier,

- but I smashed him with my umbrella.
- Your umbrella?

I'd never met
the man with the scar before.

Unless he's the one that was driving
that black limousine.

Why did he wanna kill you?

- Who?
- Man with the scar.

I'm not sure, but I think it was
because of the cigarettes.

- He wanted a cigarette, or...?
- No, he wanted the whole pack.

Kind of greedy.

The albino must have wanted
the cigarettes too.

So he killed the man with the scar
to get them.

Right.

And I'll bet he's the one
who killed Scotty.

- Scotty?
- Who's Scotty?

Look, Gloria...

...I know you've been through
something here tonight,

real or imagined. But I just wanna
bring you down to earth a bit.

You gotta see how absurd
this whole thing is.

We have no dead body,
there's been no sign of violence.

Our suspects are albinos
and chain-smokers.

Wait a minute! I've got it!

The albino is working for the dwarf.

I tell you, I've been on some dumb calls
in my time, but this one tops them.

Where'd you meet
this ding-dong, anyway?

What's all that stuff about
having her for lunch

down at the station house tomorrow?

You're not even supposed to be
riding around with me.

- It's fate, Fergie. Kismet.
- Kismet, my ass.

- Listen, this girl is weird, Tony.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But she's got the prettiest green eyes
I've ever seen.

Yeah, they're blue.

And behind those blue eyes is
a fruitcake with a homicidal umbrella.

- Wait a minute!
- What?

You have the prettiest
green eyes I've ever seen.

Cut that out.
I hate it when you do that.

- Don't do that anymore, all right?
- Let's go, beautiful.

Gloria, I don't believe you.

How can you be so gullible?

You have got albinos chasing you
down the street,

prowlers breaking into your apartment.
Don't you see?

They're only after one thing.

- They wanna get into your pants.
- I don't think so.

And now you have this cop
inviting you

down to the station house
on your lunch hour.

Do you think he's not gonna try
for a little nookie?

He's really nice.

- Gloria, I'm your friend, right?
- Right.

And I wouldn't steer you wrong,
would I?

No.

Take these.

Without them, you are a walking
light bulb waiting to be screwed.

Let's see. One, two, five, six.

Six.

They used to have the most
beautiful dude ranch near Phoenix.

"Happy Trails", I think they called it.

Of course, this was before the war.

Here we are, with a 13
and a Double Word Score.

- That makes 26.
- Twenty-six.

Ever see that Arizona Highways?

Oh, it is the most beautiful magazine,
isn't it?

Let me see, now...

One, two, seven, eight,
nine, ten, 11, four... 15.

Such lovely pictures.
I wonder if they still put it out.

Why, I see them now and again
at the library.

And here we go.

Eight, nine, ten, 11...
And double that...

We have 15, we have 26,
and double is...

- Fifty-two!
- Wait, Elsie.

I think you're wrong.

I think you spell that word
with a hyphen.

Really?

I was just taking a shot.

There she is!

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. They tried it again.

Gloria, just sit back and enjoy the fire.

I'm pouring you a nice,
warm albino martini.

Here you go.
Drink this, and it's off to bed.

You should have been a doctor.

OK, we'll play whatever you like.

- Mind if I smoke?
- No, go right ahead.

You know, it's funny.
My father was a doctor.

- Wanted me to be one too.
- What happened?

Well, I went to medical school.

It was tough. All those books.

Then I joined the paramedics.
That was tougher.

Besides... I always had a yearning
for the criminal life.

- But you're a cop.
- Same difference.

- How's the milk?
- It's great.

- Lieutenant...
- Tony.

I don't understand.

Last night, you didn't believe
the story I told you, did you?

- I believed that you believed it.
- What about tonight?

Did you believe I was kidnapped?

I know the address of the building
they held me in.

- It seems that...
- Look,

I promise I'll check that out
first thing in the morning.

And the license plate
of the black limousine, 121 TCE.

- Got it.
- Tony, I'm not lying.

No one thinks you are.

Why would anybody wanna kill me?

Hey.

Come on.

You're safe here.

I checked all the windows
and the doors, everything.

You trust me, don't you?

Here, finish your milk.

Good girl. Full?

- Feel better, don't you?
- Yes.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Oh, I'm not working tomorrow.
I'm home.

Fine.

Would you like me to carry you
to your bedroom?

No, thanks. I can walk.

OK, then I'm gonna take off.

Don't worry, Gloria.

If there really is somebody out there
trying to kill you,

I promise you,
we'll find out who and why.

Well, the room checks out.
Nobody up there.

Landlord said it's been
empty for months.

It's rented on a yearly basis
to a guy called... Stiltskin.

Stiltskin...

I've heard that name
somewhere before.

Oh, no.

I thought when you were suspended,
I'd have a three-week vacation.

I was framed.

You're lucky you've still got
your badge.

Arresting the mayor for speeding
and then cuffing him.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm telling you,
he was wearing eye makeup.

Get out of here!

Hey, listen, this is serious.

What was that story,
wasn't too long ago,

about a guy named Stiltskin?

You been talking to Donahue?

No, why?

You know this guy?

Yeah, I've seen him around.
Works undercover, right?

He did. His name's Bob Scott.

And we just fished his body
out of the bay.

Scotty.

Yeah, he was working on a tip
that a major assassination

is gonna take place here
in the city, Thursday night.

- Tomorrow night.
- The biggest hit man west of Chicago

has been hired for the job.

His name is Stiltskin,

Rupert Stiltskin.

Stiltskin?

Yeah, alias "The Dwarf".

Holy shit.

Oh, no. He's nice, really.

He brought me home
last night, and...

And then he had the police bring
my car back this morning.

- Who is it?
- Special delivery.

Just a second, Stella.
Somebody's at the door.

- Miss Mundy?
- Yes.

Just a moment.

Hiya, toots.

I've been looking forward
to this meeting for some time.

- You... You're a dwarf.
- True, true.

J.J. MacKuen's my name,
and life's my game.

Not life insurance,
but life everlasting.

Interested?

- Oh, my God.
- Sure you are.

Please. If I'm gonna do this right,

I've got to have
your undivided attention.

She'll call you right back.

You... You're the dwarf.

Well, actually, we prefer
to be called "little people".

It was you who was asking for me
at the library.

True, true. But, unfortunately,
our paths didn't cross.

No matter.

Today, I have brought with me
a little present

that my employer wants you to have.

And all that is required of you

is to consider the possibility
of coming closer to God.

Keep away from me!

Miss Mundy, why take this attitude?

I'm merely a salesman
of the divine Word.

Look upon me as an instrument

who will release you
from the worries of the world

and bring you the promise
of eternal rest.

Keep away from me.

Miss Mundy...

...do you believe in life after death?

Somebody help me!

Stop this thing!

Please, help! Oh, my goodness.

- Gloria.
- Tony!

Gloria, what are you doing?

Did you see him? That was him.
That was the dwarf.

That's who Scotty told me about.

He tried to kill me.

Oh, I knew he was out to get...

"The new American Bible.
The translation you can believe in.

"J.J. MacKuen."

Oh, he was a Bible salesman?

You mean I...?

That's right, honey.

You have attacked
an innocent dwarf.

X-ray technician, please call
extension...

Mr. MacKuen?

It's Gloria Mundy.

- Who?
- Remember me?

You came to see me this morning.

Oh.

How are you feeling?

So-so.

Thanks for the flowers.

Oh, that's all right.

My pleasure.

Here, I bought you some more.

I felt it was the least I could do.

I'm awfully sorry.

Well, I was thinking
of leaving the job anyway.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I never should have taken it.

I'm too pushy. I annoy people.
That's my personality.

And you can't move merchandise
like that anymore.

They... They look like
lovely Bibles to me.

Oh, they're top quality.

It's me that's no good.

I come off too strong.

Well, you did give me quite a shock.

You don't have to apologize.

I'm a putz.

Oh, no, Mr. MacKuen.

I think you're being
a little hard on yourself.

Well, maybe everything
will turn out for the best.

Really.

I always feel that you can see
a positive side to everything.

Yeah. I was thinking of opening up
a gas station in the desert

and I think you helped me
make up my mind.

I'm so glad I could help.

Oh, no!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just gonna kill a fly.

I'm sorry.

- Well, I guess I better be going.
- OK.

I'll come back tomorrow after work.

Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'm gonna
be out of here by tomorrow.

Oh.

All right.

Well,

it was nice meeting you again. Bye.

Oh, that poor little man.

To think that I was responsible,

that I was capable,

that all that violence is within me.

Yeah, I know.

And lucky for him,
you didn't have your umbrella.

Come on, let's go.
Tony's waiting for you at the station.

Gloria, I need your help.

Somebody's gonna
be murdered tomorrow night,

and we gotta prevent it.

I want you to take a look
at something.

- You recognize these people?
- That's the man with the scar.

- Right.
- That's the albino.

Right, his name is Whitey Jackson.

- I don't know.
- That's Rupert Stiltskin,

alias "The Dwarf". He's the head
of the assassination team.

Scarface wanted to
double-cross his buddies

and gave Scotty some evidence
about tomorrow's job.

They found out about it,
killed Scotty.

Scarface wanted to protect himself.

Tried to get the evidence back.

But they were onto him.
They killed him.

So the evidence was in the cigarette
package that Scotty gave me.

- Right.
- Well, but they took

the cigarette pack when
they took Scarface's body.

- Right.
- Then what do they still want me for?

I don't know, but they do.

And that's why I've been assigned
to protect you.

You have?

Well, what does that entail?

The usual.

We move into your house,
set up a round-the-clock surveillance

and send out for pizza.

I traced the number
on that black limousine.

- Great!
- What is it?

You're not gonna like it.

It's registered to the archbishop
of San Francisco.

Fancy layout.

- Yes?
- Lieutenant Carlson, ma'am.

Is Archbishop Thorncrest in?

Just wanna ask him
a couple of questions.

Certainly.

Won't you please come in?

That's right.

We really expect almost everyone to be
seated when the motorcade arrives.

Of course.

Exactly.

Well, thank you.
And thank you so much for calling.

Goodbye.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.
I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm Lieutenant Carlson.
This is Inspector Ferguson.

This is Miss Mundy.

Very happy to meet you.
Please, sit down.

Now, what is it
I can do for you?

We're investigating
a black limousine...

Oh, you found the car.

Good news.

- Did you catch that rascal, Turk?
- Who?

Turk Farnum,
the man who stole the car.

Don't tell me he got away.

We've had no report
that the car was stolen.

No report? But yesterday I...

- Miss Casswell?
- I'm sorry, Your Excellency.

I thought I'd give him
one more day to come back.

- After all, he's such a...
- Really, Miss Casswell.

The car has been gone two days.

Now, I think somewhere we have to
draw the line on christian charity.

Could you describe this Turk?

- Large, heavyset.
- Bald?

Yes. He came to us
as a chauffeur about...

- What was it? Three months ago?
- Yes.

From St. Damien's halfway house.

You see, he's an ex-convict.

We'd have a file on him.

- What's his present address?
- He lived above the garage.

Miss Casswell, why don't you show
the lieutenant Turk's quarters.

Maybe they'll come up
with something.

Yes, Your Excellency.
Would you come this way, please?

Miss Casswell,
then come right back here.

I want to have a word with you.

He was such a nice man.

A little simple, perhaps.
But then, he had very little education.

You see, no one
was ever kind to him.

Throughout his whole life,
no one had ever given him a chance.

- There's nothing around here, Tony.
- OK.

Miss Casswell, does the name
Stiltskin mean anything to you?

- No.
- How about Whitey Jackson?

Is he that football player that wears
the pantyhose on television?

No.

Well.

Now the shit has really hit the fan.

Oh, Stella, he's not like that at all.

- I like him.
- How's he feel about you?

- I think he likes me.
- Oh.

That's OK. If they say
"I like you", it's not so bad.

It's when they say "I love you"
that you gotta watch out.

Listen, I have to go.

Just have Mrs. Monk see what
she can come up with.

They've never heard of it
around here.

OK, Gloria. Be careful.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Mrs. Monk, what do you know about
the Tax the Churches League?

Well, I'm calling it a day.

Any more news on Turk?

We've checked everything on his file.
All known associates,

places he frequents, clubs, bars...
Nothing so far.

Well, I just asked
my girlfriend at the library

to find out about the
Tax the Churches League.

That's a funny group
for Turk to belong to.

Hey, I play detective.
You play lady in distress.

Hey, wait a minute.
It's my ass they're after.

I'm sorry. You're right.

That was a stupid, glib,
chauvinist remark and I apologize.

It is your ass they're after,

and it's my job to see to it
that I get there first.

What do you say to two juicy steaks
and a bottle of wine?

Well, you could start
by saying "hello".

I'm gonna take you home.

OK, Fergie, listen.
If anything should come up,

you know where to get ahold of me.
Right. Good night.

Hey, this is the way to the bridge.

I thought you said you were
gonna take me home.

I did.

My home.

Oh, you're really full of surprises.

I never met anybody who ever lived
on a houseboat before.

That's fantastic.

Well, my brother built it,

and when he got married,
I moved in.

It's so beautiful here.

Yeah, on a clear day
you can see Alcatraz.

How nice.

Be careful here.
It's very slippery at night

- on the gangplank.
- OK.

- Hold onto something.
- OK.

You OK?

- Nice fire.
- I just turned on the switch.

- Come here.
- Hey. Hi, little one.

- Hi, little dog.
- Hey, Chaucer, what do you think?

You play your cards right and she'll
take you out for a sea-gull dinner.

Chaucer and I, we've been
getting along just great.

- Yeah, he likes you.
- He told me all about Monica.

How do you know about Monica?

I think this is for you.

What is that?

"Darling, you are out of eggs
and cottage cheese.

"I'll pick them up tomorrow.
Love, Monica."

Oh, that Monica. She's my maid.

She sounds very efficient.

She's terrific.

She comes in twice a week
and really clears the decks.

Trims the sails?

Blows the pipes.

How long has she
been doing all this?

Well, she won't be back.

Monica drowned this morning, and...

- Just like that, huh?
- Yeah.

I think we both knew it was coming,
and it was kind of sad for both of us.

Good shot.

How about a joint?

No, thanks.

You sure? You know what they say,

"Cops have the best dope."

No, I don't do that anymore.

I don't think it's necessary.

Right.

Just testing.

Never touch it myself.

Not me, nope.

You're funny.

And you have the prettiest
green eyes I've ever seen.

They're blue. Drink your milk.

So go on.

What happened after the divorce?

Nothing. I went back
to the library to work...

...and I guess I did become
kind of a hermit.

My girlfriend Sally,
she's getting married on Saturday.

Oh, you know her.
The one at the party.

Oh, yeah. The one that kept
telling you to start taking chances.

Right. Look what happens.

Oh, it didn't work out so bad.

I almost got killed.

Well, yeah, but you met some
pretty interesting people.

True.

I guess you can't trust
first impressions.

What does that mean?

Well, when I first met you -

- I thought you were a bore.
- Yeah?

- What about before that?
- Before that?

Yeah, when you first saw me.

I thought you were a klutz.

And what about before that?

- Before...?
- Yeah, when you very first

laid eyes on me.
What were you thinking?

I thought you...

I thought you had a nice smile.

You did?

What else?

I...

I thought you were cute.

What else?

Oh...

What did you think of me
when you first met me?

When you first laid eyes on me?

I thought...

I thought you had a nice smile.

What else?

I thought you were cute.

Extremely cute.

What else?

I thought it would be nice
to kiss you.

- Me?
- Yeah, you.

- Me too.
- You did?

Then? Right then?

Thought it would be nice to kiss you.

See?

You should always trust
your first impressions.

You know something?

I'm really glad that you were
assigned to protect me.

I do my job pretty well.

You do your job very well.

Thank you.

Hey, Chaucer,

how you doing?

That's a boy. Go on.
Go make breakfast.

Good morning.

Good morning.

You look very pretty.

Come here.

- I could get used to this.
- Me too.

Yello.

Hi, Fergie.

What?

All right, tell Coleman
I'll be there right away.

Listen, you meet me at Gloria's.

I want you to stay with her all day.

Right. Bye.

- Come on. I'm taking you home.
- I have to go to work today.

No, you're not.
Fergie's gonna stay with you all day.

We may have a lead.
I think they got Scarface.

What's happening?

- Recognize the corpse?
- Scarface?

Yeah, we found him over there.

An early-morning fisherman
spotted him.

- Anything on the body?
- Nothing.

I guess it's back to basics.

Search the area, try to find
some witnesses, huh?

Yeah, Morgan's on that.

I don't mind telling you, Tony,
that this one's got me scared.

An assassination
is gonna take place tonight,

and we're digging up
nothing on nothing.

I know.

There's gotta be
something somewhere.

What is it? What's the clue?

What have we overlooked?

I thought Sergeant Ferguson
was supposed to be here.

- He was.
- Well, why is it...?

Esme.

Esme.

Come on.

We'll get you out of here.
How about that, huh?

How'd you like to take a little bath?
Would you like that?

How'd you like a little soak
in the bathtub?

- What do you think?
- Oh, my darling. My dear.

I'd have never had me a daughter,
but if I did,

I'd want her to be you.

Oh, Mr. Hennesey, that's sweet.

Well, this is my bridesmaid's dress.

And look, I just do that

and goodbye, bridesmaids,

and I'm ready for a night
out on the town.

I think I'd rather see you as a bride.

- I'm working on it.
- Come on. Gonna take a little swim.

Hello?

Fergie.

Yes, if Tony wants me to,
I'll be there.

What's the address?

If it's that important,
I'll come right away.

What? Bring my umbrella?

But it's beautiful outside.

Hello?

Hello?

He hung up.

I wasn't trying anything. I just told her
what you told me to tell her.

Watch your mouth.
Watch it.

Hello?

Anybody here?

Tony?

Fergie?

Run, Gloria. It's a trap!

Let go of me!

- She got away.
- Oh, goddamn it.

Get her.

Hello there, can I help you?

- Just a minute.
- We're having a special today.

- A rub in a whirlpool.
- No, no. Listen...

Pay for one and you get one free.

Excuse me.
This will just take a second.

Take your time, pussy pie.

We've got all day
for an afternoon's delight.

I feel the earth move
Under my feet

I feel the sky tumbling down
A- tumbling down

I just lose control

Oh, sing it, Stanley, baby.

Down to my very soul
I just...

Oh, my God, it's you.

Why? Why are you following me?

Why? What have I
ever done to you?

Stanley! What are you doing here?

- Never mind. You've gotta help me.
- Oh, please.

Please, don't tell anybody
you saw me here. It's my first time.

I swear. I'll never do it again.
I promise.

Be quiet.

What's so bad, anyway?

I didn't do anything.

I never do anything.

Stanley, listen to me.
You've gotta help me.

Help you?
I don't know this place.

But it's a matter of life and death.
It's very important.

What do you want me to do?

Hey, give me that.

There's a phone out by the pool.

Go out there and call the police.

The police?

- Oh, my God, the police?
- Yes, tell them to get here right away.

- Tell them to raid the place.
- A raid?

You want me to go and call for a raid?
Are you crazy?

Do you know what
they would do to me?

The headlines. Hey!

Listen. Many lives are in danger.
My life, your life.

There are men out there
who are killers.

What? But why me?
They don't know me.

I'm not even using
my real name.

Take this dime.
Now, get out there and call the police.

You don't have to be here
when they get here.

Go on. Go and I'll keep
an eye on your clothes.

But I can't do it.

God. Never do it again.

Hello.

Yeah, well...

Yeah, I'd like to see...

Could you get me the police?

Help!

- It's a matter of life and death.
- Tell Tony Carlson! Tell Lieutenant...

Hey, hey. What's...?

What are you doing here?

What?

This is what you want?
All right.

Thank you very much.

- Anything from the FBI?
- No, nothing.

- How about the C.I.I.?
- Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing on nothing.
This is just great.

Are you Tony Carlson,
the cop friend of Gloria's?

- Yes.
- Well, we found

this file at the library on
the Tax the Churches League.

I thought I would bring it over.

It has some pictures there,
and Gloria felt maybe it would help...

Wait a minute.

This is Miss Casswell.

No, I think that's Delia Darrow.

It says there that
she and her husband

founded the league and then
in 1963 were sent to prison.

They tried to kidnap the Reverend
Billy Graham. Where's Gloria?

Dickinson, find out everything
you can on this Delia Darrow.

Right.

Really, I don't know what happened.
I wasn't doing anything.

Really. Look, I've never been
to one of those places before.

I thought it was a health club.

- What weirdoes.
- Look,

thanks for coming by.

It's the first real lead
we've had today.

I will tell Gloria.
She's back at the house.

No, she's not.

I spoke with her landlord, and he said
that she left this morning to meet you.

What are you talking about?

That's what he told me.
I expected to see her down here.

Hey, what... Where you going?

I didn't... I didn't know
what sort of place it was.

- Who cares?
- Look, of course I paid the money,

but I wanted a massage.
I had this bad back.

I've got this pain up and down here.
All I wanted was a little...

Hey, watch those hands, buster.

God.

- Didn't you get the address?
- No.

She just said Fergie called
and told her to meet you.

Come to think of it,

she was a little puzzled when
he told her to bring her umbrella.

Damn it, I should have
stayed with her.

Do you think she's been
kidnapped by this fellow, Stiltskin?

I'm sure of it. But I think I know
where to begin looking.

Wait!

If Gloria's in trouble,
I'm going with you.

No way. I can't be responsible
for your safety too.

Watch.

Oh, shit!

Black belt, 1945.

OK, but hurry up,
we haven't got much time.

- We've gotta get to the archbishop's.
- Esme.

You be a good... Esme!

How many times have I told you?
Do not eat the cigarettes!

Come on, let's go.

Right. Do you think Gloria's
at the archbishop's?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Hello, Turk. Been looking for you.

- Very impressive.
- Jungle training.

Drag him in the bushes.
Meet me around back.

Fergie.

What's that?

Must be that idiot, Turk.

God knows what's keeping him.
We're late as it is.

- You all right?
- Tony...

Tony, you gotta...
You gotta stop them.

- What?
- Stiltskin was hired to kill the pope.

- The pope?
- At the opera tonight,

before the reception.

- And the archbishop too?
- That's not the archbishop.

They killed him.
That's his twin brother.

His twin brother?

What about Gloria?
Where is she?

They got her upstairs.
I'm all right. Go on.

Don't move, lieutenant.

Drop the gun, or I'll shoot.

I don't get this. Stiltskin's dead.
Police know all about you.

There's no way for your plan
to work now.

They may know about Delia Darrow,

and they may find out
about Charlie here,

but the plan is still gonna work.

The statement will be made.

Don't you think we should get out
of here? Turk's disappeared.

- What are we waiting around for?
- All in good time, Charlie.

It's only 6:45.

The quarry is just entering the trap.

You see, lieutenant,
your relentless pursuit

forced us to come up
with a contingency plan.

It is foolproof.

If by the end of the first act
the pope has not yet been dispatched,

Whitey Jackson will open fire
from the organ bay.

He will also fire if the pope
unexpectedly leaves his seat

or if the police arrive
in the auditorium.

But why kill the pope?
He means nothing to you.

He is a symbol,

a symbol of the vast wealth
and corporate power

of the world's churches.

Like my dear, dead brother.

Always the good one...

...hiding behind the skirts of this sham
called organized religion...

...whose sole aim is to rob
true spirituality of its life...

...and perpetuate
an implacable authority.

Shut up, Charlie.
Don't excite yourself.

My brother.

Is this a stable?

Or is it a palace for
the prince of the church?

In the past, people rose up
and slaughtered their kings.

Tonight's the beginning
of a revolution long overdue.

Ten years ago, we attempted
a peaceful campaign

for the taxation of these
billion-dollar corporations.

But...

...they support the economic system.

And so the economic system
supported them.

We were attacked, laughed at...

...and finally imprisoned.

But it was there, in those hellholes,

where the mind is bound
and the spirit is shackled,

that we realized that
the single most effective way

to bring about radical change
is the historically proven path...

...of violence.

Oh, Mr. Hennesey...

She was one tough old mama.

Come on.
We gotta get to the opera house!

But the opera house is clear
across town, and it's already past 7.

The opera must have already started.

The Mikado, Act I, Part I

If you want to know who we are

We are gentlemen of Japan

On many a vase and jar

On many a screen and fan

We figure in lively paint
Our attitude's queer and quaint

Call Coleman. Tell him to have
all units in the vicinity

meet me outside the opera house.

On no account are they to take
any action until I arrive.

- Take care of Fergie.
- You might need this.

- It's 7:15! We'll never make it!
- We'll make it.

- Tony, this is a one-way street!
- Son of a bitch!

Look out!

The Mikado, Act I, Part III
And all is right as right can be

The Mikado, Act I, Part III
Right as right

Can be

This stern decree
You'll understand

Caused great dismay
Throughout the land

For young and old
And shy and bold

Were equally affected

The youth who winked a roving eye
Or breathed a non-connubial sigh

Was thereupon condemned to die
He usually objected

Objected, objected

He usually objected

Jesus!

Uh-oh, look out!

Watch out!

- Mamma mia! Luigi!
- Are you all right?

- I'm OK.
- OK, come on. Let's get outta here.

- Are you crazy?!
- It's all right, everybody! It's OK!

- Nobody's hurt! It's an emergency!
- You crazy?! My Luigi...

- You break my restaurant!
- I'm a police officer.

- Are you crazy?!
- Don't worry. Enjoy your dinner!

Nothing to worry about!

There's nothing to... I am
a police officer. It is an emergency.

We must leave.
We'll give back the telephone...

- Police! Police! Luigi!
- It's a very large order. Big order.

- Large order.
- They're breaking my ristorante!

Hey, you! Look, I'm a police officer.

I gotta get to the opera house,
and you gotta drive me.

- Far out!
- Great, yeah. Get in the front, Gloria.

It's a life-and-death situation,
so move over, buddy.

The Mikado, Act I, Part III
Everything is quite correct
All is quite correct

And so we straight let out on bail
A convict from the county jail

Whose head was next
On some pretext

Condemned to be mown off

And made him Headsman
For we said

"Who's next to be decapited
Cannot cut off another's head

"Until he's cut his own off
His own off, his own off"

Far out!

Far out.

The Mikado, Act I, Part VII

Three little maids from school are we
Pert as a schoolgirl well can be

Filled to the brim with girlish glee
Three little maids from school

Everything is a source of fun

Nobody's safe for we care for none

Life is a joke that's just begun

Far out.

Far out.

Hold it! Stop! Police!

- Hey, what happened here?
- Yeah. Big accident over there.

I'm with the police. We need some
assistance. You wanna help us out?

- Sure, no problem.
- Follow that cowboy. He's with...

He's with the FBI.
Gloria, get in.

Hey! Hey, wait! Wait! Wait!

Tony! Hello.

Tony, there's an old couple back there.
They don't speak any English.

They just arrived in America.

That's great. Just tell them
to hold on tight. I can't stop now.

Three little maids from school
Three little maids who all unwary

Come from a ladies' seminary
Freed from its genius tutelary

Three little maids from school
Three little maids from school

One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum
Two little maids in attendance come

Three little maids is the total sum
Three little maids from school

So you see?
There's nothing to worry about.

Everything is gonna be all right.
We're perfectly safe.

Tony, here, he's a policeman.
You know, a cop?

- You know, bang, bang, like Kojak?
- Kojak?

- What?
- Kojak? Bang, bang?

- Right! Right!
- Kojak!

Kojak!

Kojak!

The Mikado, Act I, Part XI

Your revels cease
Assist me, all of you

Why, who is this whose evil eyes
Rain blight on our festivities

I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Pooh

Oh, fool, to shun delights
That never cloy

Go, leave thy deadly work undone

... our joy advance

- With laughing song and merry dance
- With laughing song and merry dance

Then let the throng
Our joy advance

With laughing song and merry dance
With laughing song...

OK, now, when we get inside,
I want you to point out the albino.

You're the only one who's seen him,
he may wear a disguise.

Oh, God! He'll be in one of
the two organ bays, won't he?

That's what the lady said.
Look out. Hold on.

You guys, come on!

Oh, it was very nice meeting you. Bye.

- Sayonara.
- Sayonara.

Kojak! Bang, bang!

Tell Morgan I'm here.
You check with security. Let's go.

You two stick with us.
Come on.

The Mikado, Act I, Part XI
In vain for mercy
On your knees you'll sue

Lieutenant Carlson from the police...

I'll tear the mask from your disguising

Now comes the blow

Prepare yourself for news surprising

How foil my foe?

You two, come with me. Get those out.

No minstrel he, despite bravado

Open it.

- I know
- He is the son of your...

Must be on the other side.
You stay here till we get him.

You guys come with me. Come on.

Tony! Tony! Help! Help! Tony!

- Where does this go?
- To the grids, backstage.

Tell Coleman to meet me backstage.
You come with me.

Of your...

The son of your...

Ye torrents roar, ye tempests howl
Your wrath outpour with angry growl

Do ye your worst, my vengeance call
Shall rise triumphant over all

We'll hear no more, ill-omened owl
To joy we soar, despite your scowl

The echoes of our festival
Shall rise triumphant over all

Prepare for woe
Ye haughty lords

At once I go
Mikado-wards

Away you go
Collect your hordes

Proclaim your woe
In dismal chords

We do not heed their dismal sound

For joy reigns everywhere around

We do not heed their dismal sound

For joy reigns everywhere around

The echoes of our festival

Shall rise triumphant over all

- Shall rise triumphant over all
- Shall rise triumphant

Triumphant over all

Shall rise triumphant over all

My wrongs with vengeance
Shall be crowned

We do not heed their dismal sound

For joy reigns everywhere around

We do not heed their dismal sound

We do not heed their dismal sound

For joy reigns everywhere around

- My wrongs with vengeance...
- We do not heed their dismal sound

For joy reigns everywhere around

Lower the curtain.
And bring that other thing down.

Take this. Get them down.

- You really took a chance up there.
- I know.

- You all right?
- I'm perfect.

Bring up the curtain,
bring up the curtain!

Can't you hear that applause?

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Barry Manilow: Ready to take a chance again