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00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:01,010 --> 00:00:01,020
_
2
00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:04,970
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
3
00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,273
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
4
00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,844
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
5
00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,847
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
6
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,350
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
7
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,787
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
8
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,322
♪ All the things that make us ♪
9
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:25,190
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
10
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:30,295
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
11
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,535
We now return to
12
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,038
How David Lynch Stole Christmas.
13
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,208
Hello. I got you
a present.
14
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,910
It's a thumb.
15
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,078
Don't look away.
16
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,880
Let the fear wash over you.
17
00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:49,214
I don't understand.
18
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:50,716
That's the whole point.
19
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:53,318
Now, did you leave a plate
of black coffee out for me?
20
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,487
No.
In the future,
21
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,524
please leave a plate of
black coffee out for me.
22
00:00:58,526 --> 00:01:00,692
Also in the past.
23
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:03,062
You guys, what are you
doing watching TV?
24
00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,997
It's snowing.
Really?
25
00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:07,266
Wow, it's so beautiful!
26
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:08,434
Isn't it?
27
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,436
And you know what's
a miracle, kids?
28
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,739
Every single snowflake
is exactly alike.
29
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,441
I don't think that's right.
30
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,443
No, it's true.
Just like fingerprints.
31
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:19,378
All right, you guys
ready for church?
32
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,712
Church?
What are you, an idiot?
33
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:23,349
It's the first snow of the season.
We're going sledding.
34
00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:24,917
Please, can we, Mom?
35
00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,385
Well, I mean,
it's Sunday, and...
36
00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:27,953
Come on, Lois. After all,
37
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,722
sledding was the second
passion of the Christ.
38
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:33,625
Eat this, for this is my dust!
39
00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:39,565
My sled has Dora on it
40
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,867
'cause my parents got it
at a yard sale.
41
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,535
It's-it's still for boys,
though.
42
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,271
She's about language
acquisition, not gender.
43
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,208
Sorry, fun-seekers,
44
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,310
this hill is closed to sledding.
45
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:52,744
What? What are you
talking about?
46
00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:55,214
Too many pansy-ass
parents sue the city
47
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:56,615
when their kids sprain a finger
48
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,584
or crush their skull
on a bumper.
49
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,720
I'm afraid sledding has
been banned in Quahog.
50
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,956
You can't do that!
Last time I checked,
51
00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,724
this is still
the United States of Tara.
52
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:06,825
Obscure reference.
53
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,393
And I'm not gonna let
anybody tell me
54
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,429
where I can and cannot sled!
55
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:11,763
Yeah, you're right.
56
00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,298
Power to the people!
57
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:17,503
The whole world is watching!
The whole world is watching!
58
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,339
What... what just happened?
59
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,940
Who cares?
Last one down the hill...
60
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,942
Oh, my God!
61
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,110
Call my mom!
62
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,746
I crushed my skull on a bumper!
63
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,785
You serious? All this
white stuff used to be water?
64
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,787
Mm. My word.
65
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,156
Joe, what are you riding on?
66
00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:39,424
Oh, it's a bedpan.
I got a ton of these at home.
67
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:42,494
You make every activity
incredibly sad.
68
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,166
There you are.
Where have you been?
69
00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:49,101
I just ran home
to get the big sled
70
00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:50,202
out of our dining room.
71
00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:51,470
What are you talking about?
72
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:52,939
We don't have a sled
in our dining room.
73
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,473
Everybody on!
74
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,775
Peter, the dining room
table is an antique.
75
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:59,044
It's been in my family
for six generations.
76
00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:00,046
It's fine.
77
00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,446
Okay, now, since
we're white guys
78
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:04,583
doing something stupid,
everybody grab a GoPro.
79
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,489
Yeah, this is awesome!
80
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:11,557
Oh, we're drifting.
81
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:12,891
W-We're turning. We're turning!
82
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:13,992
Dad, I'm scared.
83
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,127
We're backwards!
84
00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:16,795
Am I the only one
who thinks that now
85
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:19,164
we're at an alarming speed?
86
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,139
Peter, are you insane?!
87
00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:29,575
You could've killed
the entire family!
88
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:32,177
Sorry, Lois. I honestly thought
this was gonna be fun.
89
00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:34,513
Like when I won
that sex contest.
90
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:35,681
First again!
91
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:37,082
Wasn't even close, was it?
92
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,484
No, Peter, it wasn't even close.
93
00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:40,719
Yeah, you are terrible at this.
94
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,020
Now, why don't you clean up
95
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,590
and go get the champ
a Gatorade, huh?
96
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,830
You wearing pants
always amuses me.
97
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,999
Yeah, I know. It's just
I got roped into going
98
00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,701
to some stupid
office Christmas party
99
00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:57,202
with this girl I'm dating.
100
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,570
Really? I thought
you just went
101
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,706
to an office Christmas
party with her last week.
102
00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,207
What? Oh, no, um...
103
00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:04,409
No, that-that was
this other girl I was dating.
104
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:07,713
Um, her name was...
Kow-ooch.
105
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:10,115
Did you just say "couch,"
but pronounce it strangely
106
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,683
so it sounded like a name?
107
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,118
What's going on, Brian?
108
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,786
All right, look,
I've been crashing
109
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,755
office Christmas parties
for the free booze
110
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,558
and drunk women who don't want
to spend the holidays alone.
111
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,627
Oh, so you're a
Christmas party creep.
112
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,229
Just like the fat man is
a pool party creep.
113
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:25,797
Now, Chris,
you're getting older,
114
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:28,767
so it's time for you to learn
the classic pool party game
115
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,902
"Talk to Somebody's Wife
in a Bikini
116
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,904
Until They Cover Up
Uncomfortably."
117
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,439
So, Bonnie,
how are things going?
118
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,241
Oh, things are fine.
119
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:39,544
Been kind of busy lately,
what with Susie starting to...
120
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,246
Okay, bye.
121
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,081
Man, that's, like, two seconds.
122
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,651
Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you
been watching on TV lately?
123
00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:46,952
Oh, you know, this and that.
124
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,654
There's a show called
Shipping Wars.
125
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,322
Uh, it's actually kinda...
Okay, bye.
126
00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:59,231
Oh, boy, the Marshalls
is now a Nordstrom.
127
00:04:59,233 --> 00:05:01,400
I feel like our days at
this mall are numbered.
128
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,768
Well, we have $60.
129
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:05,270
Let's see what kind of
Chinese pressed-board garbage
130
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:06,772
we can get to replace
my grandmother's
131
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:08,573
priceless mahogany table.
132
00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:10,575
Dad, look, Santa's here!
133
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,012
I want to sit on his lap.
134
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,781
Geez, Chris, come on.
You're in high school.
135
00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:18,083
I'm gonna ask him for
a family trampoline.
136
00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:20,185
Holy crap,
get your ass up there!
137
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,820
You know what, Peter?
138
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,155
I'll get the table myself.
139
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,990
And then I might just
sit in that car
140
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,359
in the middle
of the mall and cry.
141
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,862
Geez, look at this line.
142
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:33,131
Yeah, no kidding.
And it's not moving.
143
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:36,001
Me and my adopted son have
been waiting quite a while.
144
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,704
Wait, what... Why did you...
145
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:39,838
I didn't even ask.
146
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,973
So is your son a biolog?
147
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,208
What... I'm not...
148
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,677
I-I don't watch
Modern Family, sorry.
149
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,513
Hey, Chris, wait here.
I'm gonna see what's going on.
150
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,649
Hey, Muscles,
what's taking so long?
151
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,818
I'm sorry, sir.
This may shock you,
152
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:54,720
but it turns out the
seasonal Santa we hired
153
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:56,154
has a drinking problem.
154
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,889
And I don't know where
to find a replacement
155
00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,725
on such short notice.
156
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,727
Hey, you're a hefty guy.
157
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:02,828
I called you "Muscles."
158
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,296
Would you mind
putting on the suit
159
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:06,231
and playing Santa,
just until the shift ends?
160
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,532
I'd pay you for your time.
161
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,134
All right, fine.
162
00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,570
I mean, it's not the first time
I pretended to be someone else.
163
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:12,738
I once dressed as a farmer
164
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:15,707
to get a date on
FarmersOnly.com.
165
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,042
Are you Peter?
166
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,810
Yeah. A-Are you
the gross lady
167
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,979
who lives in the
converted horse trailer?
168
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:24,349
♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪
169
00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:27,853
♪ At FarmersOnly.com. ♪
170
00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:31,623
It doesn't say "whites only,"
but... yeah.
171
00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,267
'Sup? Slammin' pantsuit.
172
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:43,869
Hey, I'm Scott Fitzgerald.
173
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:46,338
You probably don't recognize me
'cause I'm in corporate.
174
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:48,440
So am I.
This is corporate.
175
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,376
A little
too much so, if you ask me.
176
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,412
I... I try
to have fun, right?
177
00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:55,614
I-I mean, we're not,
we're not landing planes here.
178
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,884
Our company manufactures
aircraft landing gear systems.
179
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,352
Yep, uh-huh.
180
00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:03,855
Well, I am going to fly us over
a few more drinks.
181
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,292
Stewie?
What are you doing here?
182
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,294
I followed you.
I had to see for myself
183
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:11,763
just how desperate and
pathetic you really are.
184
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,064
And don't worry,
I'm not sticking around
185
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,132
this sad little... Ooh!
186
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:16,101
Is that rolled-up ham
for everyone?
187
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,736
Yeah.
Okay.
188
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,137
Well, I'll see you at home...
189
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,773
Hey, everyone,
karaoke's starting!
190
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,241
Well, I could watch and make fun
191
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:24,743
for just a few...
Oh, my God!
192
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,545
They have a photo booth
with funny props!
193
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:28,914
Oh, I call the big
funny glasses!
194
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,916
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
195
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:32,818
♪ Jingle bell rock ♪
196
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,386
♪ Jingle bell swing ♪
197
00:07:34,388 --> 00:07:36,221
♪ And jingle bells ring... ♪
198
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,327
And I want a tricycle and a pony
199
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,929
and an American Girl doll
200
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,331
and a drone with a camera
and a gun that fires...
201
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,667
Ho, ho, ho.
Yeah, sure, all of it.
202
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,336
All right, now,
go pick up your picture.
203
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:52,838
And before you go
crying to your mom,
204
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,840
that's my cell phone
you're feeling.
205
00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:59,244
Hey, Santa Claus,
you going home soon?
206
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,413
Well, depending on
how traffic is
207
00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:03,181
at the North Pole.
208
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,850
So what can I get for you today?
209
00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:05,984
Milk and cookies?
210
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,352
Oh, okay.
211
00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:08,487
Sorry I started this.
212
00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:09,855
Chicken burrito, please.
213
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,790
There you go.
Merry Christmas.
214
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,325
Uh, how much do I, uh...
215
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,494
Oh, come on, I'm not
charging Santa Claus.
216
00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:16,795
It's on the house.
217
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:19,197
This is free because
I'm dressed as Santa?
218
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,366
That's right.
Anything for Santa.
219
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,434
Anything?
220
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:24,202
Holy crap, this is awesome!
221
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,504
I'm Santa Claus.
222
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,739
In this suit I'm like a god.
223
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,513
I got a free burrito!
224
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:44,389
Ugh, look at these two lumps.
225
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,725
♪ Up on the housetop
click, click, click ♪
226
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,894
♪ Slipped on the chimney
and broke his... ♪
227
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:50,061
Mornin'.
♪ Penis. ♪
228
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,898
Dad, why are you still
wearing that Santa suit?
229
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,232
Well, the guy
at the mall asked me
230
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,067
to stay on till Christmas,
and I said yes,
231
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,402
'cause being Santa's awesome.
232
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,538
You wear this suit,
it's like a free pass.
233
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:01,039
People let you do
anything you want.
234
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,340
What are you talking about?
235
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,042
Oh, it's the stuff
of dreams, Lois.
236
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,177
Free burritos,
free orange chicken,
237
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:07,312
free pretzels.
238
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:08,980
Did you make it out
of the food court?
239
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,248
I made it to the border.
240
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,717
I got a free iPhone case
and a tiny license plate.
241
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,019
It says "Corey."
242
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,588
Yep.
Cost me zilch.
243
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:19,558
♪ ♪
244
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:23,762
So, who's this "Mary Christmas"
245
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,230
everybody keeps talking about?
246
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,998
Oh...
247
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,000
that's very clever.
248
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,201
I don't recognize you.
249
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:31,903
Which department are you in?
250
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,172
Well, right now
I'm in Boob Assessment.
251
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,440
Eww.
252
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:38,443
Hey, you were right about office Christmas
parties. They're fantastic!
253
00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:41,644
Uh-huh, okay. I'm gonna keep looking
around the room while you talk.
254
00:09:41,645 --> 00:09:43,444
Yes, it's like
watching a soap opera,
255
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,116
what with all the
drunken misbehavior
256
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,518
and ill-advised
hookups.
257
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,887
And down the hall they're
doing a "white elephant."
258
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:49,854
Oh, that gift-
exchange thing?
259
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:51,356
No, there's a fat secretary
260
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:52,591
taking on all comers.
261
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,960
Where, uh, uh, which
office is that in?
262
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,361
Oh, you won't miss her.
She's still wearing
263
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:57,963
the felt antlers.
264
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,864
Absolute freak show in there.
265
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,467
Hey, what the hell's going on?
266
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:03,935
Oh, Santa.
I-I'm sorry.
267
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,470
I didn't realize
this was your car.
268
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,672
That's right. Now,
crumple up that ticket.
269
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:11,443
Now eat it!
270
00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,144
All right, now we're
gonna go to your home
271
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,379
and wait for you to pass it,
272
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,147
and then you're gonna
eat it again.
273
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,283
Hey, honey, this is Santa.
274
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:19,918
He's gonna come in
and watch me in the bathroom.
275
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,319
Oh, just like the
Easter Bunny did.
276
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:22,654
Exactly.
277
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,990
I got a lot of guys
coming through here.
278
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:28,793
The next composition is
279
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,630
Opus Dei, Dei Dei Pater,
280
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,165
seventh movement, by Chopin.
281
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,105
Correction. The next composition
282
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:43,174
is 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.
283
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:51,116
♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪
284
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:55,020
♪ K-A-R-S Kars-4-Kids ♪
285
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:58,156
♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪
286
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:01,860
♪ Donate your car today... ♪
287
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:05,430
I lost my virginity
to this song.
288
00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,037
Ugh, this party's a dud.
289
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,171
Yeah, no kidding.
290
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,040
That lady turned off
a Hall & Oates song
291
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,008
because it was
"too provocative."
292
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,143
Everyone, let's remember,
293
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:19,678
this is still a workplace.
294
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,979
Sorry, Barb.
295
00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:22,514
You know what?
I got an idea.
296
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:26,017
I'm gonna stir up some drama,
make this party interesting.
297
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:30,321
Excuse me? Uh, could I have
your attention please? Hi.
298
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,991
Hi, I'm Chadwick Redmayne
from the regional office.
299
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,527
Unfortunately, since people
only use printers now
300
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,996
to print out boarding passes
for their grandparents,
301
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,999
40% of you will
be laid off as of Monday.
302
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:44,069
Oh, and whoever drinks
the most shots keeps their job.
303
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:50,709
See? That's how you
get a party started.
304
00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:52,744
Mr. Redmayne, I don't
know who you are,
305
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:55,213
but I've been in charge of
this office for 16 years...
306
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,148
Sad.
And I want to thank you.
307
00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,184
I've been trying to reduce
our staff costs for months,
308
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:00,985
but just didn't have
the guts to do it,
309
00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:02,353
much less before Christmas.
310
00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:04,889
Yeah, well, that's why
they send in Channing Redwick,
311
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,925
or Chadmayne, or whatever,
312
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,393
I don't even remember
what I said.
313
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,328
We could use someone
like you around here.
314
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:13,598
Welcome aboard.
See you Monday.
315
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,600
Wow, a paying, grown-up job!
316
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,268
I haven't been this excited
about anything
317
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,904
since the night Wicked
premiered in Quahog.
318
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,107
All right, Brian,
let's rob these gay guys.
319
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,341
What if they're home?
320
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,210
They're not gonna be home.
321
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,381
Bye, Santa!
322
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,117
Bye, strippers!
323
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:34,185
Uh, you can all take
your clothes off now,
324
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,187
I was just comin' in
for the spaghetti.
325
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,725
Aah! Bitch!
326
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,260
Ah, that hurts.
327
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,362
Ah, I'm drunk.
328
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,864
Heart's beatin' fast.
329
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,103
Spaghetti angel!
330
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,706
I'm makin' a spaghetti angel.
331
00:12:54,708 --> 00:12:56,875
When Italian guys die, they...
332
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:58,409
they turn into...
333
00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,577
into...
334
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:02,680
into...
335
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:04,983
Peter.
336
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,519
Peter Griffin.
337
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,222
Peter? We need to talk.
338
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:12,991
Who...
Who are you?
339
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,226
I'm the real Santa Claus.
340
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:18,797
Awesome! Okay, my first wish
is for a thousand wishes.
341
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:21,099
Yes! That's not me.
That's a genie.
342
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,468
Okay, then my first wish
is for a genie.
343
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,170
Again, you'd need a genie.
344
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,271
How wasted are you?
345
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:27,272
Don't judge me.
346
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,473
You live in a bottle.
347
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,607
It's a lamp.
348
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,543
And I'm not a genie!
349
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,083
All right, come on
now, pal, seriously,
350
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:40,251
who are you really?
351
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,020
I already told you,
I'm Santa Claus.
352
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,354
Oh, yeah?
353
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,356
Well, if you're Santa,
then what did I ask for
354
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,759
for Christmas when I was 12?
Nothing.
355
00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:49,260
Because it was the year
you found that Penthouse
356
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,261
in the woods.
357
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,463
You really are Santa!
358
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,299
Am I really heavier than you?
359
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,501
I-I got to,
I got to take control.
360
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,603
Look, I'm not very
happy with you.
361
00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,805
You can't go around in that suit
pretending you're me
362
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,540
and acting like
a complete jackass.
363
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,209
What are you talking about?
People love me.
364
00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,543
They give me free stuff.
365
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:07,212
No, they love me.
366
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:09,547
You're just exploiting
my brand for personal gain
367
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:11,482
and destroying my reputation.
368
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:12,851
So there's, like, no
toilet on the sleigh,
369
00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:14,619
so you're, you're just,
370
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,287
you're just crapping in
people's houses, right?
371
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:17,288
You're not hearing me.
372
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,557
Stop wearing that suit, or else.
373
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,025
Or else what?
374
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:25,496
Or else I will put you
at the top of my naughty list.
375
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,632
You know, you're not talking
to a little kid anymore,
376
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,300
so get the hell
out of my face, Santa.
377
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,302
I like this suit,
and I'm keeping it.
378
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:32,537
Now, if you'll excuse me,
379
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,672
you're standing in my
strip club spaghetti.
380
00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:38,643
I got to get this home
to my family for supper.
381
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,681
You better watch out.
382
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,527
Gail?
383
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,196
Gail, is your Internet working?
384
00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,198
Mine's slow.
385
00:15:02,836 --> 00:15:04,602
Oh, my God, Gail, what happened?
386
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:07,939
I just found out I'm part
of the downsizing you announced.
387
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:09,340
Oh, no.
388
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,543
So your Internet,
is it, is it slow?
389
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:15,446
Gail, you were supposed
to be gone an hour ago.
390
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,614
Hey, give her a break, man.
391
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,516
This is Gail Devereaux-Slansky.
392
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:21,252
Oh, it's just
Gail Devereaux now.
393
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,620
Oof, tough week.
394
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,122
Why don't you stop rubbernecking
395
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:26,724
and finish that
payroll report I asked for?
396
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,860
I can't believe I got fired.
397
00:15:28,862 --> 00:15:31,229
And right before the holidays.
398
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:33,264
Oh, God, I've ruined Christmas.
399
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:36,935
Like the Little Drummer Boy when
he got really into Neil Peart.
400
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:42,407
♪ Our finest gifts we bring ♪
401
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:45,243
♪ Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪
402
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:06,564
Christmas is gonna be sick!
403
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,971
So, Dad, now that
you made Santa mad,
404
00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:15,340
aren't you scared he's gonna
do something bad to you?
405
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:16,574
Ah, Santa's all talk.
406
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:17,642
He ain't gonna do nothing.
407
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,346
Hey, Peter.
408
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,981
Ready to go to Build-A-Bear?
409
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,482
What?
What are you talking about?
410
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,483
I got your text.
411
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,585
It says, "Hey, Joe,
cancel your plans."
412
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:29,654
Let's go to Build-A-Bear."
I didn't send you a...
413
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,789
Oh, son of a bitch, Santa.
414
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,524
Joe, I did not send you a text.
415
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,860
Well, you sent another text
that says,
416
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:39,364
"Hey, Joe, it's definitely me,
Peter, who sent the text."
417
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,966
Damn it, he covered all bases.
418
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,001
What do you think, Peter?
419
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,103
Maybe a little
sun hat for Cindy?
420
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,305
Whatever, I'm done with my bear.
Let's get out of here.
421
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,974
Well, the text you sent
earlier would disagree.
422
00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:52,043
You said, "No matter what I say",
423
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:54,112
I want to build multiple bears."
424
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,180
Joe, I swear to you,
I do not want to do that.
425
00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,885
News flash, Peter,
looks like you do.
426
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,891
Would anyone like to lead
the family in a holiday prayer?
427
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:09,660
I'll tell you who should be
saying his prayers, Santa.
428
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,629
He messes with me,
I mess with him.
429
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,898
That's why I replaced
one of his flying reindeer
430
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,401
with an ordinary,
non-magical one.
431
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,205
Cut it off, cut it off!
432
00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:28,413
You know, I think this year
is gonna be the best...
433
00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:32,150
Yay, free horse!
434
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:43,494
What the hell?
435
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,430
Hey, Chris, get in here.
436
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,931
This is impossible, right?
437
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,900
All of Meg's farts
here in this box?
438
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,368
I would think that's impossible.
439
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,303
Yeah, right?
That's impossible.
440
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,174
Is this the box?
Yeah, that's it.
441
00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:00,445
Yeah, that's impossible.
I know, it's impossible.
442
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,180
Right... O-okay, all right,
I'm opening it.
443
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,849
Unless whoever sent
it was magic.
444
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:07,618
Oh, well, now
that's interesting.
445
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:13,758
Chad, we got to talk
about this report.
446
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,760
Why do you write all
your twos backwards?
447
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,628
Well, you know it's a two,
so why are we talking?
448
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,431
Fix it, or you're fired.
449
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,466
You know what?
450
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:22,600
I thought working in a cubicle
451
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,268
at a mid-sized printing company
452
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,404
would be the adventure
of a lifetime.
453
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,739
Instead, it's been nothing
but tedium and cruelty.
454
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:31,409
It's time to set things right.
455
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:32,643
Here you go, Warren.
456
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:33,978
Merry Christmas.
457
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,613
$11,000?
458
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,483
Yes, it's the maximum check
amount I'm authorized to cut.
459
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:40,318
Cash it fast.
460
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:44,455
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
461
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,823
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
462
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,825
Thanks, Chadwick.
This is awesome.
463
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,561
I think you mean
"Happy Holidays."
464
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,069
You got to be kidding me.
465
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,474
Oh, this is too good.
466
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:09,447
Point, Griffin.
467
00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:10,481
Let's see you top...
468
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,151
Now you gonna listen?
469
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:14,318
Now you gonna listen,
you little bitch?
470
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,354
Whose suit are you wearing?
Your suit!
471
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:17,522
Whose suit?
Your suit!
472
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:18,623
It's your suit!
473
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,327
Okay, okay,
474
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,129
I'll never wear
that Santa suit again.
475
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:28,299
Just stop terrorizing me and
take me off the naughty list.
476
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:29,901
You promise?
Yes!
477
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,170
Thank you.
478
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:33,604
I've always known you were
479
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,706
a good boy deep inside, Peter.
480
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:38,476
And just so you know
there are no hard feelings,
481
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,511
this is for you.
482
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,780
It's that Penthouse
you found in the woods.
483
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:46,450
With Vanessa Williams
and George Burns on the cover?
484
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:47,552
I'm glad you like it.
485
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,053
I had to buy it from
a really creepy guy
486
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,521
on the Internet.
487
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,658
Look, Santa,
I owe you an apology.
488
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:56,194
I'm sorry I took
advantage of your good name.
489
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,697
You spread so much joy and
wonder to kids everywhere,
490
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:03,134
and I just used that
to get stuff for myself.
491
00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:04,669
Apology accepted.
492
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,571
And truth is,
493
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,005
you weren't the worst Santa.
494
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,241
This was the worst Santa.
495
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:13,844
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
496
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,146
Oh, and that's another thing.
497
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:16,681
It's "Ho, ho, ho."
498
00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,182
Everybody pronounces it wrong.
499
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:19,483
It's very irritating.
500
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:25,556
So long, Peter.
501
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,858
Glad to have you back
on the nice list.
502
00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:38,736
Merry Christmas!
503
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,805
Ho, ho, ho.
504
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:49,247
And that was the
Christmas I would never forget.
505
00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:53,351
Until I went home and had,
like, 50 beers, and did forget.
506
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,953
But only after I screamed
myself into a blackout
507
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:58,289
while my whole family
held me down.
508
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,358
Merry Christmas.
36836
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