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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:01,010 --> 00:00:01,020 _ 2 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:04,970 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 3 00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:08,273 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 4 00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:11,844 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 5 00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,847 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 6 00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,350 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 7 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:21,787 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 8 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,322 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 9 00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:25,190 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 10 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:30,295 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 11 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,535 We now return to 12 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,038 How David Lynch Stole Christmas. 13 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,208 Hello. I got you a present. 14 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,910 It's a thumb. 15 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,078 Don't look away. 16 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,880 Let the fear wash over you. 17 00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:49,214 I don't understand. 18 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:50,716 That's the whole point. 19 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:53,318 Now, did you leave a plate of black coffee out for me? 20 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,487 No. In the future, 21 00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,524 please leave a plate of black coffee out for me. 22 00:00:58,526 --> 00:01:00,692 Also in the past. 23 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:03,062 You guys, what are you doing watching TV? 24 00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,997 It's snowing. Really? 25 00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:07,266 Wow, it's so beautiful! 26 00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:08,434 Isn't it? 27 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,436 And you know what's a miracle, kids? 28 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,739 Every single snowflake is exactly alike. 29 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,441 I don't think that's right. 30 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,443 No, it's true. Just like fingerprints. 31 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:19,378 All right, you guys ready for church? 32 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,712 Church? What are you, an idiot? 33 00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:23,349 It's the first snow of the season. We're going sledding. 34 00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:24,917 Please, can we, Mom? 35 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,385 Well, I mean, it's Sunday, and... 36 00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:27,953 Come on, Lois. After all, 37 00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,722 sledding was the second passion of the Christ. 38 00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:33,625 Eat this, for this is my dust! 39 00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:39,565 My sled has Dora on it 40 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,867 'cause my parents got it at a yard sale. 41 00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,535 It's-it's still for boys, though. 42 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:46,271 She's about language acquisition, not gender. 43 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,208 Sorry, fun-seekers, 44 00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:51,310 this hill is closed to sledding. 45 00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:52,744 What? What are you talking about? 46 00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:55,214 Too many pansy-ass parents sue the city 47 00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:56,615 when their kids sprain a finger 48 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,584 or crush their skull on a bumper. 49 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,720 I'm afraid sledding has been banned in Quahog. 50 00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,956 You can't do that! Last time I checked, 51 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,724 this is still the United States of Tara. 52 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:06,825 Obscure reference. 53 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,393 And I'm not gonna let anybody tell me 54 00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,429 where I can and cannot sled! 55 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:11,763 Yeah, you're right. 56 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,298 Power to the people! 57 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:17,503 The whole world is watching! The whole world is watching! 58 00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,339 What... what just happened? 59 00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,940 Who cares? Last one down the hill... 60 00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,942 Oh, my God! 61 00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,110 Call my mom! 62 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,746 I crushed my skull on a bumper! 63 00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,785 You serious? All this white stuff used to be water? 64 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,787 Mm. My word. 65 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,156 Joe, what are you riding on? 66 00:02:37,158 --> 00:02:39,424 Oh, it's a bedpan. I got a ton of these at home. 67 00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:42,494 You make every activity incredibly sad. 68 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,166 There you are. Where have you been? 69 00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:49,101 I just ran home to get the big sled 70 00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:50,202 out of our dining room. 71 00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:51,470 What are you talking about? 72 00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:52,939 We don't have a sled in our dining room. 73 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,473 Everybody on! 74 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,775 Peter, the dining room table is an antique. 75 00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:59,044 It's been in my family for six generations. 76 00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:00,046 It's fine. 77 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,446 Okay, now, since we're white guys 78 00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:04,583 doing something stupid, everybody grab a GoPro. 79 00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,489 Yeah, this is awesome! 80 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:11,557 Oh, we're drifting. 81 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:12,891 W-We're turning. We're turning! 82 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:13,992 Dad, I'm scared. 83 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:15,127 We're backwards! 84 00:03:15,129 --> 00:03:16,795 Am I the only one who thinks that now 85 00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:19,164 we're at an alarming speed? 86 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,139 Peter, are you insane?! 87 00:03:27,141 --> 00:03:29,575 You could've killed the entire family! 88 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:32,177 Sorry, Lois. I honestly thought this was gonna be fun. 89 00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:34,513 Like when I won that sex contest. 90 00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:35,681 First again! 91 00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:37,082 Wasn't even close, was it? 92 00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:39,484 No, Peter, it wasn't even close. 93 00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:40,719 Yeah, you are terrible at this. 94 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,020 Now, why don't you clean up 95 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,590 and go get the champ a Gatorade, huh? 96 00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,830 You wearing pants always amuses me. 97 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,999 Yeah, I know. It's just I got roped into going 98 00:03:54,001 --> 00:03:55,701 to some stupid office Christmas party 99 00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:57,202 with this girl I'm dating. 100 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,570 Really? I thought you just went 101 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,706 to an office Christmas party with her last week. 102 00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,207 What? Oh, no, um... 103 00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:04,409 No, that-that was this other girl I was dating. 104 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:07,713 Um, her name was... Kow-ooch. 105 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:10,115 Did you just say "couch," but pronounce it strangely 106 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,683 so it sounded like a name? 107 00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,118 What's going on, Brian? 108 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,786 All right, look, I've been crashing 109 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,755 office Christmas parties for the free booze 110 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,558 and drunk women who don't want to spend the holidays alone. 111 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,627 Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep. 112 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,229 Just like the fat man is a pool party creep. 113 00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:25,797 Now, Chris, you're getting older, 114 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:28,767 so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game 115 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,902 "Talk to Somebody's Wife in a Bikini 116 00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,904 Until They Cover Up Uncomfortably." 117 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,439 So, Bonnie, how are things going? 118 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,241 Oh, things are fine. 119 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:39,544 Been kind of busy lately, what with Susie starting to... 120 00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,246 Okay, bye. 121 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,081 Man, that's, like, two seconds. 122 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,651 Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately? 123 00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:46,952 Oh, you know, this and that. 124 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,654 There's a show called Shipping Wars. 125 00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,322 Uh, it's actually kinda... Okay, bye. 126 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:59,231 Oh, boy, the Marshalls is now a Nordstrom. 127 00:04:59,233 --> 00:05:01,400 I feel like our days at this mall are numbered. 128 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,768 Well, we have $60. 129 00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:05,270 Let's see what kind of Chinese pressed-board garbage 130 00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:06,772 we can get to replace my grandmother's 131 00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:08,573 priceless mahogany table. 132 00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:10,575 Dad, look, Santa's here! 133 00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,012 I want to sit on his lap. 134 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,781 Geez, Chris, come on. You're in high school. 135 00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:18,083 I'm gonna ask him for a family trampoline. 136 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:20,185 Holy crap, get your ass up there! 137 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,820 You know what, Peter? 138 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,155 I'll get the table myself. 139 00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,990 And then I might just sit in that car 140 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,359 in the middle of the mall and cry. 141 00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,862 Geez, look at this line. 142 00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:33,131 Yeah, no kidding. And it's not moving. 143 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:36,001 Me and my adopted son have been waiting quite a while. 144 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,704 Wait, what... Why did you... 145 00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:39,838 I didn't even ask. 146 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,973 So is your son a biolog? 147 00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,208 What... I'm not... 148 00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,677 I-I don't watch Modern Family, sorry. 149 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,513 Hey, Chris, wait here. I'm gonna see what's going on. 150 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,649 Hey, Muscles, what's taking so long? 151 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,818 I'm sorry, sir. This may shock you, 152 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:54,720 but it turns out the seasonal Santa we hired 153 00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:56,154 has a drinking problem. 154 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,889 And I don't know where to find a replacement 155 00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,725 on such short notice. 156 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,727 Hey, you're a hefty guy. 157 00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:02,828 I called you "Muscles." 158 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,296 Would you mind putting on the suit 159 00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:06,231 and playing Santa, just until the shift ends? 160 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,532 I'd pay you for your time. 161 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,134 All right, fine. 162 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,570 I mean, it's not the first time I pretended to be someone else. 163 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:12,738 I once dressed as a farmer 164 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:15,707 to get a date on FarmersOnly.com. 165 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,042 Are you Peter? 166 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,810 Yeah. A-Are you the gross lady 167 00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,979 who lives in the converted horse trailer? 168 00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:24,349 ♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪ 169 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:27,853 ♪ At FarmersOnly.com. ♪ 170 00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:31,623 It doesn't say "whites only," but... yeah. 171 00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,267 'Sup? Slammin' pantsuit. 172 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:43,869 Hey, I'm Scott Fitzgerald. 173 00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:46,338 You probably don't recognize me 'cause I'm in corporate. 174 00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:48,440 So am I. This is corporate. 175 00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:51,376 A little too much so, if you ask me. 176 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,412 I... I try to have fun, right? 177 00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:55,614 I-I mean, we're not, we're not landing planes here. 178 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:58,884 Our company manufactures aircraft landing gear systems. 179 00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,352 Yep, uh-huh. 180 00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:03,855 Well, I am going to fly us over a few more drinks. 181 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,292 Stewie? What are you doing here? 182 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,294 I followed you. I had to see for myself 183 00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:11,763 just how desperate and pathetic you really are. 184 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,064 And don't worry, I'm not sticking around 185 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,132 this sad little... Ooh! 186 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:16,101 Is that rolled-up ham for everyone? 187 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,736 Yeah. Okay. 188 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,137 Well, I'll see you at home... 189 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:21,773 Hey, everyone, karaoke's starting! 190 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,241 Well, I could watch and make fun 191 00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:24,743 for just a few... Oh, my God! 192 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,545 They have a photo booth with funny props! 193 00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:28,914 Oh, I call the big funny glasses! 194 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,916 ♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪ 195 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:32,818 ♪ Jingle bell rock ♪ 196 00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,386 ♪ Jingle bell swing ♪ 197 00:07:34,388 --> 00:07:36,221 ♪ And jingle bells ring... ♪ 198 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,327 And I want a tricycle and a pony 199 00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,929 and an American Girl doll 200 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,331 and a drone with a camera and a gun that fires... 201 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,667 Ho, ho, ho. Yeah, sure, all of it. 202 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,336 All right, now, go pick up your picture. 203 00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:52,838 And before you go crying to your mom, 204 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,840 that's my cell phone you're feeling. 205 00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:59,244 Hey, Santa Claus, you going home soon? 206 00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,413 Well, depending on how traffic is 207 00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:03,181 at the North Pole. 208 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,850 So what can I get for you today? 209 00:08:04,852 --> 00:08:05,984 Milk and cookies? 210 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,352 Oh, okay. 211 00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:08,487 Sorry I started this. 212 00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:09,855 Chicken burrito, please. 213 00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,790 There you go. Merry Christmas. 214 00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:13,325 Uh, how much do I, uh... 215 00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,494 Oh, come on, I'm not charging Santa Claus. 216 00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:16,795 It's on the house. 217 00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:19,197 This is free because I'm dressed as Santa? 218 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,366 That's right. Anything for Santa. 219 00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,434 Anything? 220 00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:24,202 Holy crap, this is awesome! 221 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,504 I'm Santa Claus. 222 00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,739 In this suit I'm like a god. 223 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,513 I got a free burrito! 224 00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:44,389 Ugh, look at these two lumps. 225 00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,725 ♪ Up on the housetop click, click, click ♪ 226 00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,894 ♪ Slipped on the chimney and broke his... ♪ 227 00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:50,061 Mornin'. ♪ Penis. ♪ 228 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,898 Dad, why are you still wearing that Santa suit? 229 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,232 Well, the guy at the mall asked me 230 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:56,067 to stay on till Christmas, and I said yes, 231 00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,402 'cause being Santa's awesome. 232 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,538 You wear this suit, it's like a free pass. 233 00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:01,039 People let you do anything you want. 234 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,340 What are you talking about? 235 00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,042 Oh, it's the stuff of dreams, Lois. 236 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,177 Free burritos, free orange chicken, 237 00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:07,312 free pretzels. 238 00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:08,980 Did you make it out of the food court? 239 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,248 I made it to the border. 240 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,717 I got a free iPhone case and a tiny license plate. 241 00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:14,019 It says "Corey." 242 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,588 Yep. Cost me zilch. 243 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:19,558 ♪ ♪ 244 00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:23,762 So, who's this "Mary Christmas" 245 00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,230 everybody keeps talking about? 246 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,998 Oh... 247 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,000 that's very clever. 248 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,201 I don't recognize you. 249 00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:31,903 Which department are you in? 250 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,172 Well, right now I'm in Boob Assessment. 251 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:35,440 Eww. 252 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:38,443 Hey, you were right about office Christmas parties. They're fantastic! 253 00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:41,644 Uh-huh, okay. I'm gonna keep looking around the room while you talk. 254 00:09:41,645 --> 00:09:43,444 Yes, it's like watching a soap opera, 255 00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,116 what with all the drunken misbehavior 256 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,518 and ill-advised hookups. 257 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,887 And down the hall they're doing a "white elephant." 258 00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:49,854 Oh, that gift- exchange thing? 259 00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:51,356 No, there's a fat secretary 260 00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:52,591 taking on all comers. 261 00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,960 Where, uh, uh, which office is that in? 262 00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,361 Oh, you won't miss her. She's still wearing 263 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:57,963 the felt antlers. 264 00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,864 Absolute freak show in there. 265 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,467 Hey, what the hell's going on? 266 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:03,935 Oh, Santa. I-I'm sorry. 267 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,470 I didn't realize this was your car. 268 00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,672 That's right. Now, crumple up that ticket. 269 00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:11,443 Now eat it! 270 00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,144 All right, now we're gonna go to your home 271 00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,379 and wait for you to pass it, 272 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,147 and then you're gonna eat it again. 273 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,283 Hey, honey, this is Santa. 274 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:19,918 He's gonna come in and watch me in the bathroom. 275 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,319 Oh, just like the Easter Bunny did. 276 00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:22,654 Exactly. 277 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,990 I got a lot of guys coming through here. 278 00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:28,793 The next composition is 279 00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:31,630 Opus Dei, Dei Dei Pater, 280 00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,165 seventh movement, by Chopin. 281 00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,105 Correction. The next composition 282 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:43,174 is 1-877-Kars-4-Kids. 283 00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:51,116 ♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪ 284 00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:55,020 ♪ K-A-R-S Kars-4-Kids ♪ 285 00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:58,156 ♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪ 286 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:01,860 ♪ Donate your car today... ♪ 287 00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:05,430 I lost my virginity to this song. 288 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:12,037 Ugh, this party's a dud. 289 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,171 Yeah, no kidding. 290 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,040 That lady turned off a Hall & Oates song 291 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:17,008 because it was "too provocative." 292 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,143 Everyone, let's remember, 293 00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:19,678 this is still a workplace. 294 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,979 Sorry, Barb. 295 00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:22,514 You know what? I got an idea. 296 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:26,017 I'm gonna stir up some drama, make this party interesting. 297 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:30,321 Excuse me? Uh, could I have your attention please? Hi. 298 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,991 Hi, I'm Chadwick Redmayne from the regional office. 299 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,527 Unfortunately, since people only use printers now 300 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,996 to print out boarding passes for their grandparents, 301 00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,999 40% of you will be laid off as of Monday. 302 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:44,069 Oh, and whoever drinks the most shots keeps their job. 303 00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:50,709 See? That's how you get a party started. 304 00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:52,744 Mr. Redmayne, I don't know who you are, 305 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:55,213 but I've been in charge of this office for 16 years... 306 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,148 Sad. And I want to thank you. 307 00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:59,184 I've been trying to reduce our staff costs for months, 308 00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:00,985 but just didn't have the guts to do it, 309 00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:02,353 much less before Christmas. 310 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:04,889 Yeah, well, that's why they send in Channing Redwick, 311 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,925 or Chadmayne, or whatever, 312 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,393 I don't even remember what I said. 313 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,328 We could use someone like you around here. 314 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:13,598 Welcome aboard. See you Monday. 315 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,600 Wow, a paying, grown-up job! 316 00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,268 I haven't been this excited about anything 317 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,904 since the night Wicked premiered in Quahog. 318 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,107 All right, Brian, let's rob these gay guys. 319 00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,341 What if they're home? 320 00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,210 They're not gonna be home. 321 00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,381 Bye, Santa! 322 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,117 Bye, strippers! 323 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:34,185 Uh, you can all take your clothes off now, 324 00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,187 I was just comin' in for the spaghetti. 325 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,725 Aah! Bitch! 326 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,260 Ah, that hurts. 327 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,362 Ah, I'm drunk. 328 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,864 Heart's beatin' fast. 329 00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,103 Spaghetti angel! 330 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,706 I'm makin' a spaghetti angel. 331 00:12:54,708 --> 00:12:56,875 When Italian guys die, they... 332 00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:58,409 they turn into... 333 00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,577 into... 334 00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:02,680 into... 335 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:04,983 Peter. 336 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,519 Peter Griffin. 337 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,222 Peter? We need to talk. 338 00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:12,991 Who... Who are you? 339 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,226 I'm the real Santa Claus. 340 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:18,797 Awesome! Okay, my first wish is for a thousand wishes. 341 00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:21,099 Yes! That's not me. That's a genie. 342 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,468 Okay, then my first wish is for a genie. 343 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,170 Again, you'd need a genie. 344 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:26,271 How wasted are you? 345 00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:27,272 Don't judge me. 346 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,473 You live in a bottle. 347 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,607 It's a lamp. 348 00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,543 And I'm not a genie! 349 00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:39,083 All right, come on now, pal, seriously, 350 00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:40,251 who are you really? 351 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,020 I already told you, I'm Santa Claus. 352 00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,354 Oh, yeah? 353 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,356 Well, if you're Santa, then what did I ask for 354 00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,759 for Christmas when I was 12? Nothing. 355 00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:49,260 Because it was the year you found that Penthouse 356 00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:50,261 in the woods. 357 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:52,463 You really are Santa! 358 00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,299 Am I really heavier than you? 359 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,501 I-I got to, I got to take control. 360 00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,603 Look, I'm not very happy with you. 361 00:13:58,605 --> 00:14:00,805 You can't go around in that suit pretending you're me 362 00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,540 and acting like a complete jackass. 363 00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,209 What are you talking about? People love me. 364 00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,543 They give me free stuff. 365 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:07,212 No, they love me. 366 00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:09,547 You're just exploiting my brand for personal gain 367 00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:11,482 and destroying my reputation. 368 00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:12,851 So there's, like, no toilet on the sleigh, 369 00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:14,619 so you're, you're just, 370 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,287 you're just crapping in people's houses, right? 371 00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:17,288 You're not hearing me. 372 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,557 Stop wearing that suit, or else. 373 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,025 Or else what? 374 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:25,496 Or else I will put you at the top of my naughty list. 375 00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,632 You know, you're not talking to a little kid anymore, 376 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,300 so get the hell out of my face, Santa. 377 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,302 I like this suit, and I'm keeping it. 378 00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:32,537 Now, if you'll excuse me, 379 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,672 you're standing in my strip club spaghetti. 380 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:38,643 I got to get this home to my family for supper. 381 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,681 You better watch out. 382 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,527 Gail? 383 00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,196 Gail, is your Internet working? 384 00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,198 Mine's slow. 385 00:15:02,836 --> 00:15:04,602 Oh, my God, Gail, what happened? 386 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:07,939 I just found out I'm part of the downsizing you announced. 387 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:09,340 Oh, no. 388 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,543 So your Internet, is it, is it slow? 389 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:15,446 Gail, you were supposed to be gone an hour ago. 390 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,614 Hey, give her a break, man. 391 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,516 This is Gail Devereaux-Slansky. 392 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:21,252 Oh, it's just Gail Devereaux now. 393 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,620 Oof, tough week. 394 00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,122 Why don't you stop rubbernecking 395 00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:26,724 and finish that payroll report I asked for? 396 00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,860 I can't believe I got fired. 397 00:15:28,862 --> 00:15:31,229 And right before the holidays. 398 00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:33,264 Oh, God, I've ruined Christmas. 399 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:36,935 Like the Little Drummer Boy when he got really into Neil Peart. 400 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:42,407 ♪ Our finest gifts we bring ♪ 401 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:45,243 ♪ Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪ 402 00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:06,564 Christmas is gonna be sick! 403 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,971 So, Dad, now that you made Santa mad, 404 00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:15,340 aren't you scared he's gonna do something bad to you? 405 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:16,574 Ah, Santa's all talk. 406 00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:17,642 He ain't gonna do nothing. 407 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,346 Hey, Peter. 408 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,981 Ready to go to Build-A-Bear? 409 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,482 What? What are you talking about? 410 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,483 I got your text. 411 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,585 It says, "Hey, Joe, cancel your plans." 412 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:29,654 Let's go to Build-A-Bear." I didn't send you a... 413 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,789 Oh, son of a bitch, Santa. 414 00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:33,524 Joe, I did not send you a text. 415 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,860 Well, you sent another text that says, 416 00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:39,364 "Hey, Joe, it's definitely me, Peter, who sent the text." 417 00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,966 Damn it, he covered all bases. 418 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,001 What do you think, Peter? 419 00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,103 Maybe a little sun hat for Cindy? 420 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:47,305 Whatever, I'm done with my bear. Let's get out of here. 421 00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,974 Well, the text you sent earlier would disagree. 422 00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:52,043 You said, "No matter what I say", 423 00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:54,112 I want to build multiple bears." 424 00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,180 Joe, I swear to you, I do not want to do that. 425 00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,885 News flash, Peter, looks like you do. 426 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,891 Would anyone like to lead the family in a holiday prayer? 427 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:09,660 I'll tell you who should be saying his prayers, Santa. 428 00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,629 He messes with me, I mess with him. 429 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,898 That's why I replaced one of his flying reindeer 430 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,401 with an ordinary, non-magical one. 431 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,205 Cut it off, cut it off! 432 00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:28,413 You know, I think this year is gonna be the best... 433 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:32,150 Yay, free horse! 434 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:43,494 What the hell? 435 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,430 Hey, Chris, get in here. 436 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,931 This is impossible, right? 437 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,900 All of Meg's farts here in this box? 438 00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,368 I would think that's impossible. 439 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,303 Yeah, right? That's impossible. 440 00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,174 Is this the box? Yeah, that's it. 441 00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:00,445 Yeah, that's impossible. I know, it's impossible. 442 00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,180 Right... O-okay, all right, I'm opening it. 443 00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:04,849 Unless whoever sent it was magic. 444 00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:07,618 Oh, well, now that's interesting. 445 00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:13,758 Chad, we got to talk about this report. 446 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,760 Why do you write all your twos backwards? 447 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,628 Well, you know it's a two, so why are we talking? 448 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,431 Fix it, or you're fired. 449 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,466 You know what? 450 00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:22,600 I thought working in a cubicle 451 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,268 at a mid-sized printing company 452 00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,404 would be the adventure of a lifetime. 453 00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,739 Instead, it's been nothing but tedium and cruelty. 454 00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:31,409 It's time to set things right. 455 00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:32,643 Here you go, Warren. 456 00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:33,978 Merry Christmas. 457 00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,613 $11,000? 458 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,483 Yes, it's the maximum check amount I'm authorized to cut. 459 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:40,318 Cash it fast. 460 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:44,455 Merry Christmas, cash it fast. Merry Christmas, cash it fast. 461 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,823 Merry Christmas, cash it fast. 462 00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,825 Thanks, Chadwick. This is awesome. 463 00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,561 I think you mean "Happy Holidays." 464 00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,069 You got to be kidding me. 465 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,474 Oh, this is too good. 466 00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:09,447 Point, Griffin. 467 00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:10,481 Let's see you top... 468 00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,151 Now you gonna listen? 469 00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:14,318 Now you gonna listen, you little bitch? 470 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,354 Whose suit are you wearing? Your suit! 471 00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:17,522 Whose suit? Your suit! 472 00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:18,623 It's your suit! 473 00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,327 Okay, okay, 474 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,129 I'll never wear that Santa suit again. 475 00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:28,299 Just stop terrorizing me and take me off the naughty list. 476 00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:29,901 You promise? Yes! 477 00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:32,170 Thank you. 478 00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:33,604 I've always known you were 479 00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,706 a good boy deep inside, Peter. 480 00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:38,476 And just so you know there are no hard feelings, 481 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,511 this is for you. 482 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,780 It's that Penthouse you found in the woods. 483 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:46,450 With Vanessa Williams and George Burns on the cover? 484 00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:47,552 I'm glad you like it. 485 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,053 I had to buy it from a really creepy guy 486 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,521 on the Internet. 487 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,658 Look, Santa, I owe you an apology. 488 00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:56,194 I'm sorry I took advantage of your good name. 489 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,697 You spread so much joy and wonder to kids everywhere, 490 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:03,134 and I just used that to get stuff for myself. 491 00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:04,669 Apology accepted. 492 00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,571 And truth is, 493 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,005 you weren't the worst Santa. 494 00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,241 This was the worst Santa. 495 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:13,844 Oh, ho, ho, ho! 496 00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,146 Oh, and that's another thing. 497 00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:16,681 It's "Ho, ho, ho." 498 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:18,182 Everybody pronounces it wrong. 499 00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:19,483 It's very irritating. 500 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:25,556 So long, Peter. 501 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,858 Glad to have you back on the nice list. 502 00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:38,736 Merry Christmas! 503 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,805 Ho, ho, ho. 504 00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:49,247 And that was the Christmas I would never forget. 505 00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:53,351 Until I went home and had, like, 50 beers, and did forget. 506 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,953 But only after I screamed myself into a blackout 507 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:58,289 while my whole family held me down. 508 00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,358 Merry Christmas. 36836

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