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- Hi, I'm Ron Howard, and you can probably guess

that I love film. From silent picture masterpieces to

action films of the present day to the one we'll

be watching tonight:

The Art of the Deal.

Thought to be lost in the Cybill Shepherd blouse fire

of 1989, the Art of the Deal is a TV movie,

based on the bestselling Donald Trump autobiography

of the same name.

In fact, it was written, directed, and stars

Donald Trump himself.

But the Art of the Deal was almost never seen.

It was preempted by Monday Night Football

in 1988. Crappy game too. Colts versus Browns.

Every score was a safety. Browns won 4 to 2.

Trump was furious, and vowed never to air his masterpiece.

It disappeared for decades until last summer

when it turned up at a yard sale outside Phoenix, Arizona.

I had to physically wrestle it from a nice woman named Jenny.

Much stronger than she looked.

Very persistent.

I'm not proud of what happened, but what's done is done.

It's mine now.

So tonight, this classic portrait of a New York

real estate mogul at the height of his reign,

made by the man himself, will be shown in its entirety

for the very first time.

Ladies and gentleman,

The Art of the Deal.

Trump: On my 10th birthday, I saw something

that changed my life. A picture of a kid standing

in front of the Taj Mahal.

It was gorgeous.

It was huge.

And it was easily the classiest thing ever built by a Muslim.

So I vowed that day to buy my own Taj Mahal.

And 30 years later, I got my chance.

This one was even classier because it was a casino.

And it was in a place way more beautiful than India, New Jersey.

It was the Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City,

but it was owned by the notorious tight-ass Merv Griffin.

So getting it would take more than my normal deal-making, genius super powers.

It would take the art of the deal.

This is that story, in movie form,

based on my bestselling book, which was in bestselling book form.

This is "The Art of the Deal." Okay?

Man: * The Art of the Deal

* Some guys write poems with beautiful words *

* Some guys sing songs about flowers and birds *

* But that ain't who I am *

* That kind'a crap ain't me *

* Ooh, no

* Some guys do sculptures in plastic and steel *

* Some losers paint paintings, abstract and surreal *

* But I don't get it *

* That kind of crap ain't me *

* Can't you see *

* Oh

* The only art I've ever been able to feel *

* Is the only art that matters *

* The Art of the Deal

- Hey!

Put down that bestselling book!

Damn.

Trump: That is a hell of a book.

- Kid, I lived it.

And then, of course, I took credit for writing it.

- Holy cowabunga.

You're Donald Trump.

- That is my name and you cannot wear it out, trust me.

You must really want this book.

- All the stores are sold out.

- Do you know that this is the second bestselling book

of all time, after the Bible,

which took 12 guys to write?

And you know what, it's boring, very boring.

Woman: Mr. Trump, I've got Merv Griffin on the line for you.

- Merv Griffin.

Why did you not say so, Deborah?

Woman: It's Gloria.

- Deborah!

Boy: The Merv Griffin, the singer, the actor,

the creator of "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!"?

- Merv Griffin owns the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.

Now, this is a place I have dreamt

about owning since before I had orange pubic hair.

A chance at immortality.

But I can't let him know how much I want it

because then he'll have all the leverage.

You see what I'm saying?

That is Trump Card Element of the Deal number 1.

Use your leverage.

- Put him through! - Gloria: I already did.

You're on speaker.

Griffin: Aloha, Donald.

I'm wearing a headset, so I don't have to hold anything.

What a world.

Trump: Well, that's good. You know why?

Because I wanted you to hear all that.

- Well, that's good because I did.

- Good. - Good.

- Good. - Good.

- Good. - Good.

- Did you know that Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal

as a tomb for his third wife when he was 40 years old?

Now, I am 40 today, and I don't have a thing

to bury my wife in.

- It's not like you to get emotional about business, Donald.

Trump: I want the Taj Mahal.

This is not just a deal for a casino, Merv.

It's a deal for my soul.

- Sounds like this is your Rosebud.

- Rosebud, from from "Citizen Kane."

- I don't follow.

- It's a classic movie about a megalomaniac

who runs for office and ends up destroying everyone

around him, just to regain a piece of his soul

that was taken away from him in childhood.

This is like a snooze. I'm going to fall asleep.

- You should really watch it.

- I'd rather swallow a bag of hair, Merv.

- Didn't you want to make a deal?

Trump: Oh, yeah.

You know, speaking of which, I heard that "Let's Make a Deal"

is killing "Wheel of Fortune" in the ratings.

- That son of a bitch Nielsen.

He's had it out for me ever since I beat him

at tennis in '49.

Well, he's not getting a rematch,

and you're not getting the Taj Mahal, Trump.

- Merv!

- I'd rather sell it to a group of Japanese business robots.

- Don't you say that.

- I'd rather sell it to an A-rab.

So Allahu Akbar, Donald.

And good luck with your soul.

- I want the Taj Mahal!

I want the Taj Mahal!

Gloria: Just a reminder that you're meeting with the Genovese family

about that cement shipment tomorrow at 9:00,

Robert Durst called and said, he put the thing in the thing.

He said you'd know what he means.

That actress in "Maximum Overdrive" is named Marla Maples.

You've got that cryogenics appointment at noon,

and you are no longer a registered Democrat.

Gloria: Yes, sir.

No one called about my birthday?

Gloria: No, Mr. Trump.

Gloria: No. Nothing.

Come on.

He always gives me those Isotoners.

Gloria: Sorry, sir.

- Boy, that's sad.

- That is not sad.

I am too busy to be sad, kid.

Let me tell you who I've talked to so far this week, OK?

Lee Iacocca, listen, we are both rich white men.

Why don't we buy some condos in Fort Lauderdale?

Tell Mayor Ed Koch that he's a scum-sucking fuck-pig,

and I'm going to shove this building so far

up his fucking Jewish ass, he will be shitting I-beams!

All right. Thanks, Dad. Love you.

I want my daughter to grow up and be someone that I

would totally have sex with.

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

I can build you a much nicer one.

It's called real estate, not fake estate.

You're supposed to avoid the Noid, a-hole.

If he's stuck in quicksand, Junior, he's a goner.

Sue them, Jerry.

Konichiwa, sensei.

Sue them!

Merv, you have got to change your mind about the Taj Mahal.

I mean, but don't change it too soon because we

need that tension in the plot.

All right.

Larry, stop the montage.

Successful people are always on the phone,

even if there's no one on the other end.

It's another gem from my book, by the way.

Get the word out.

I first started to master the art of the deal

back in 1966, when I was at Wharton Business School.

So while other kids were busy smoking reefers

and contracting herpes in Saigon,

I was studying foreclosure notices

so that I could be a real estate mogul, just like my dad.

- My dad died in Vietnam.

He was a hero.

- I would say it's a little bit more heroic not to get killed.

I had my own Vietnam.

I had to start up with nothing but the shirt

on my back and a small million-dollar loan

from my father.

- How awful.

- Do you know that it was barely enough to buy a nice building

on Central Park South? Can you believe it?

I wanted to demolish it, but the...you know,

the tenants were rent controlled.

- Rent-controlled apartments on Central Park South?

What a bunch of wealthy freeloaders.

- I had to get rid of them somehow.

Otherwise, I would never be

able to tear that ugly building down.

Chapter One:

The art intimidating rent controlled tenants.

That is when I literally bumped into my stinky answer.

Could you go and be homeless somewhere else?

Don't touch my food.

- You'll never get the Taj Mahal.

- I said, help a brother out, will you?

Trump: I had a sensational idea to move

some of those dirty homeless in,

to scare those rent control crybabies out.

- I got an idea.

I think you could help me out.

- Whoa.

Is that a hundred

- You're goddamn right it's a hundred-dollar bill.

- Wow. Wow.

- Do you like, uh, pissing indoors?

How would you like to piss indoors

for $100 in Central Park South?

- Truth be told, a lot of it's going to be blood.

- Nice to know. Always nice to know.

So you're prepared.

Boy: So you paid the homeless people

to piss and poop in your building

to make the tenants leave?

Trump: I wanted to.

But the city wouldn't let me.

- All's you were trying to do was help.

Trump: No kidding.

Everyone was out to get me.

Chapter Two: The art defeating

totally bogus discrimination lawsuits.

Okay?

Mayor Koch, you gotta be kidding me.

I, Donald J. Trump, am being sued for discriminating

against minorities?

- It's all part of my liberal agenda there, Donald.

- I love minorities!

They're exotic.

They're sensual, especially the Asians.

- It's not the Asians.

They're my absolute favorites.

Come on. They go to brises just for fun sometimes.

Look at this.

This says, "I had fun at Josh Lowenstein's Bar Mitzvah."

And I truly did. It was sensational.

The gefilte fish

- Well, I think we were talking about the African-Americans

you won't rent to, Donald.

That is the problem.

- Look, Koch.

New York should be a place where everyone

no matter their race, religion, creed, color,

can be priced out of their own neighborhood.

Not this hellhole where the wealthy elite

live in fear of rent control.

- I'm just a stupid politician.

I don't have your intellectual prowess.

Now, you know what?

Maybe a savvy businessman one day

is going to be mayor of this beautiful city,

President of the United States even.

But until that happens,

I am going to make sure you don't succeed.

- Let me tell you something.

Your episode of "SNL" sucked.

Sucked.

- I'm gonna watch it on tape.

- I could do much better!

Donald J. Trump could do much better.

I don't judge a person based on the color of their skin

or their tendency towards rape, or even the color

they dye their hair.

I mean, I judge them based on how

they affect property value.

- I don't understand.

- Do you see this thing taking my measurements?

She has what you call "curb appeal."

Any tenant would be pleased to see her outside his building,

trust me.

- OK. - Get the inseam again.

So by day, it was me against the city.

But by night, it was me and the city.

Cue the montage, Larry!

The streets of New York were my playground,

but my office was the most exclusive nightclub

on the planet, Le Club.

It's where powerful white men wined and dined to get things done.

But because I was such a notorious rutting stag,

they only let me join under one condition.

Promise me that you won't sleep

with any of the other club members' wives.

- What you talkin' 'bout, club boss?

"Different Strokes."

"Different Strokes."

Great show.

- If I owned that building, I would never

have allowed that rich white man to adopt those black children.

- Of course not.

Donald--

- The members of the club are nervous.

- About you.

They can't compete with someone so young and good-looking,

smart, charming as you.

I'm not done.

Dynamite hair, cool teeth,

sweet breath.

- Big, hairy dick.

I'm not done.

Awesome name Trump.

Smart blue blazer.

- Mm. - Cool pin and tie.

Killer brows.

The whole shebang.

So what do you say?

No sleeping with other people's wives.

- Deal.

- Let's celebrate with a couple martinis.

Sheila!

- No, I don't drink drinks.

I only drink women, sexually.

And I don't let my lips touch the glass,

if you know what I mean.

- I'm not sure that I do.

I digressed.

Terribly sorry about that.

Excuse me.

I noticed you from across the room, okay.

Roy Cohn, right-hand man to Senator Eugene McCarthy,

who sold out his fellow Americans

during the Communist witch hunt of the 1950s.

That Roy Cohn?

- That's me.

Trump: Roy Cohn was just the kind of savage

I needed to help me beat those discrimination charges.

He was a real straight-shooter, I mean, emphasis on "straight."

- I just want tenants who pay their rent

and don't play all that stuff that will eventually

be called "rap music."

Roy mutilated the government's case, okay.

And we never had to admit that we refused to rent to black people.

That felt great.

Which is another Trump Card Element of the Deal, fight back.

Which we did.

And that was all thanks to Roy Cohn, saint of a man.

- He died of AIDS alone, unloved, and terrified.

- And thank God for AIDS.

Otherwise I wouldn't be your attorney.

- Kid, Jerry Schrager, one of the top Jew

real estate lawyers in all of New York City.

- This guy's, I mean, he's an absolute Jewish animal when it

comes to making deals for his top client,

me, who's not Jewish-- -That's right.

- He will bite off your pecker. Won't you, Jerry?

Yeah, well, it's a tough business.

- Show him your teeth, Jerry.

- Show the kid your cock-chompers!

Show him you'll bite someone's pecker off.

- Oh, Mr. Trump, that's OK.

- No, it's important.

Jerry, go ahead, and be realistic about it. Come on.

- Growl a little. Get into it.

All right. Don't, don't eat it.

- I'm trying to make a point.

Kid, grab a wastebasket, please.

Give me that scumbag that cleans shit up in here.

- Oh, God.

- We need to talk about your testimony for tomorrow's court appearance.

Just bite their peckers off, Jerry, like you always do.

Excuse me.

- That's a hell of a guy right there, and a fantastic client.

We're suing currently 3,721 people or entities.

Let me take you through them in painstaking detail.

Ohh.

Fuck it.

Happy birthday, Donald Trump.

You're a winner.

- You'll never get the Taj Mahal.

- No. No.

I am not a loser.

I'm a winner.

- Whoa! No!

I don't want to be a loser. I want to be a winner.

A Winner. A winner.

That was very emotional.

I mean, almost vulnerable.

I think I just had an Oscar moment.

I have got to get the Taj Mahal.

- And of course, we're suing

Ms. Reynolds' second grade class for copyright infringement.

- Best shit of my life.

No problem there.

I mean, I shit easily.

World class Trump dump.

- I was just telling the kid here about the art of suing people.

- It just seems like whoever has the most money

and the most Jewish lawyers has an unfair advantage.

- Exactly. - See, now you're getting it, kid.

You know, suing someone, that's the most beautiful thing

one human being can do to another human being.

- You don't look convinced.

Doris, get me the Fat Boys.

Oh, you've heard of them?

- I love them.

- Yo, Mr. Trump. What's up?

- Hey, Mr. Trump. Hey, white kid.

- Fat Boys, I brought you here to give us

one of your fabulous and sensational raps.

- Yes, sir. - It's all we got.

- * When you got a little problem *

* And you can't work it out with a banker, a tenant *

* Or even a spouse

* There's just one place that you should go *

* Where the floors are marble and the halls are hallowed *

- * Chump does you wrong, and you want to tell the world *

* Or you seek damages that you deserve *

* There's just one thing that you have to do *

* S-U-E, homeboy

* Sue sue sue

- * Tort laws, affidavits, Chapter 13 *

* These are just a few of our favorite things *

* So don't smear our name or break your contract *

* Or you'll find yourself in court just like that *

- * Lawsuit - * Lawsuit

- * Lawsuit Rap

- * Lawsuit - * Lawsuit

* Lawsuit Rap

* Lawsuit, Lawsuit

* Lawsuit Rap

* Lawsuit, Lawsuit, Lawsuit Rap *

- You know, seeing you and the Fat Boys rapping

like that reminds me of the biggest lawsuit you ever had.

Trump: Oh, you mean the... - Yeah.

I'm talking about a little organization called...

The NFL.

- That's right.

- Chapter Three: The art suing those losers at the NFL.

Jerry: A few years ago, Mr. Trump a bunch of money lying around,

so he brought a team in the United States Football League

called the New Jersey Generals.

They almost got Lawrence Taylor,

but he slipped in cocaine and hit his head

and forgot to sign the contract.

Trump: See, I wanted to take on the NFL, helmet to helmet-hair.

And they were not happy about it,

okay, because of course, they're losers.

Gloria: I've got that fat slob Pete Rozelle on the line.

- Morning, Pete.

Still as inept as ever I hope.

- I trust you've given up on your silly fantasy

of moving the USFL season from the spring to the fall.

- Not only have I not given up,

I am challenging the NFL head on.

I just need to get the TV rights to do it.

- Well, you will never get them.

We own the networks-- ABC, CBS, NBC.

You're making a big mistake here, Trump.

- Actually, I'm making the opposite of a mistake.

It's a good-stake. I'll see you in court.

Trump: So I sued the NFL for breaking antitrust laws.

- Your witness, Mr. Trump.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your honor, Spuds.

Mr. Rozelle, isn't it true that you

pledged to, quote, "destroy the United States Football League,"

which is a league that people love?

Trump: Whereas as I was well-spoken and handsome,

Rozelle was a fat, sweaty turd,

who literally barfed on himself in the middle of court.

I mean, who does that?

But none of us were prepared for what happened next.

- We, the jury, find the defendant,

the National Football League...

What happened?

I'm sorry.

I get emotional telling this story.

It's just one of my few weaknesses.

- I love justice. - And that's rare these days.

- Speaking of rare, this is a prototype

for a new line of Trump Steaks.

This is the finest meat anywhere since Kelly McGillis from "Top Gun."

Try some.

Salsa, on an American steak?

- Whoa, whoa. Easy, kid.

- José.

- It's not working out with this kid.

Let's go to a commercial.

Male Voiceover: Trump the Game.

- So was the NFL violating antitrust laws?

- We, the jury, find the defendant,

the National Football League...

guilty.

They are absolutely 100% guilty.

- I happen to totally agree.

And what have you decided to award the plaintiff in damages?

- We award damages in the amount of $1.

Trump: It was a symbolic gesture and a slap in the face.

Jerry: It was no big whoop to Mr. Trump.

He's a billionaire.

No, the real victims were those poor, dumb fans

with nothing else to live for.

- Oh, my aching foots.

Ivana, my darling, don't talk about your aching foots.

Kid, the love of my life.

My wife, the Czechoslovakian immigrant, Ivana Trump.

- Not hardly.

Sir Donald has me working all the day at the casino.

- What she's talking about is the most elegant,

sensational Trump Castle in Atlantic City.

- She runs it. - Oh, yes.

I...

- Taj Mahal is still the ultimate dream, of course.

-Yes, it is a building more beautiful

than anything or anyone.

- That is correct. - Yes, I know.

He make me dress up as the Taj Mahal sometimes.

It's very heavy.

I broke my clavicle once.

- Obviously, Ivana's jealous

because she won't be buried in the Taj Mahal since she's not my third wife.

- But you know, being entombed forever

in Trump Castle, not so bad.

- It actually used to be a Hilton.

- One of my all-time great deals.

You see that?

Tony, zoom in on the model, OK?

Look, me and the model.

Can you see it? Look, look.

Huh

No. Stop.

Deal with your foots.

Trump: Chapter Four:

The art buying a casino from the Hilton family.

The Hilton family tried to get into the casino business,

but they were too stupid, and the whole thing fell apart.

So I flew out to California to meet with the heir

to the Hilton fortune, Barron Hilton.

He had what I call lucky sperm.

OK, he was born wealthy and had everything

handed to him by his daddy. The guy was a total loser.

Don't tell him I said that.

- So what brings you here, old chap?

- Well, I heard the bad news about the gambling license,

and I wanted to send my condolences because really,

that blows.

- Yes.

The whole thing was a ghastly mess.

- Atlantic City is a very political city,

and they don't really trust foreigners.

- You're absolutely right.

But, uh, lucky for me, of course,

I was born and raised in the United States.

Dallas, Texas, in fact.

Because I detect an accent.

An accent?

No, you're talking bollocks, mate.

- You see, that's what I mean.

Americans don't say bollocks.

- I'd say if anyone's got an accent here, mate, it's you.

See, you've got one of those accents

like one of those old-timey New York ruffians.

Say, um, "I'd hate to see your mother have an accident."

- I would hate to see your mother have an accident.

- There. Right there. Brilliant.

Brilliant. Yeah. Scary

- Listen, enough of the rumpy pumpy, okay?

Let's just get down to straight old business.

If you ever decide you want to sell that big, honking casino

of yours, you call me.

- I will, sir.

- Donald Trump.

- Ya'll come back sometime, you hear?

- And I got the place for $320 million.

Again, with someone else's money.

Now that is another Trump Card Element of the Deal.

Know your market.

- Anyway, as I was saying...

- You weren't saying anything. Shut up.

- I was. - I put Ivana in charge.

Do you know why?

Because she's more than just a pretty face and,

you know, obviously, the glorious set of yabbos.

Huh, baby?

- Right. Yes. So this...

- No, stop. N-No, it doesn't mean talk.

- But...

- You know, she also gave me my three beautiful children?

Did you not, darling? Did you not?

- I did, 100%. - You did.

- Yes, I never forget

- Witnessing the birth of my first child

was like one of the top 15 moments of my life, easily.

- OK, so I... - Shush!

- I will be quiet.

- And I gotta compliment Ivana, you know,

because she really kept things relatively tight downstairs.

Because childbirth can be brutal on the private parts

of a woman.

I'm known as a great negotiator, but in this case,

Ivana's got the best deal of all.

Don't you, baby?

- Ooh. - Me.

Trump: Chapter Five:

The art of marrying a gorgeous immigrant.

It was a very classy wedding, OK?

Ivana looked like a very classy angel.

I had on a very classy licensed Trump suit.

Great cut. My junk looked huge.

- You may kiss your gorgeous groom, you lucky bride.

- And my best man gave one of the classiest speeches ever,

including ancient Roman times.

- Attention.

For those of you wondering, yes, it is really me.

And, no, I don't know where your cat is.

All right. All right. Settle down.

In all seriousness, I'd like to talk a little bit

about the Donald.

We all know he's a style icon.

He stole my haircut.

Yeah. He's a ladies' man, a real estate mogul,

who never discriminates against tenants based on their race.

But he's more than that, a lot more.

And I want you to know I might be hot now,

but before I got "Alf," I was a destructive mess.

I was a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

I was all alone.

I had no friends, no family.

And just when I was at my darkest point,

there was one man who shined a light on me,

a man who made me believe in myself again.

I know, Donald, I could never repay you for what you've done,

but I will die trying.

I love you, Donald Trump.

You know what? You too, Alf.

You are the only illegal alien I truly love.

- Truly. - Oh, that's...

- Shush!

- To Donald Trump.

Ah! Now everybody, Wang Chung tonight.

It's so beautiful.

I wish I could have been there.

- I am so sorry. We only had 2,000 invites.

There were thousands of women that I could have chose from.

But I'm glad that I chose to marry Ivana.

It's like my famous Trump Card, Element of the Deal,

maximize your options.

Gloria: Mr. Trump, sorry to interrupt your flashback,

but I've got Merv Griffin on the line for you.

- Okay. Listen, Ivana.

Time for you to go because I've got somebody

more important to talk to. OK?

- I just need to borrow a couple things.

- Can somebody remove Ivana from the set,

because she's killing me?

Get her out!

Jesus. Merv?

- I'm in the middle of a workout right now,

so my heart rate is at a perfect tempo for negotiating.

Go.

- I've been thinking,

and I'm not sure I want the Taj Mahal anymore.

- It's a dump, Merv.

If I was you, I would resort to Jewish lightning,

you know what I mean?

- What about all that immortality talk?

What was that, all bull

- I don't need your casino to be immortal.

If I buy it, I'd be doing you a favor.

- I don't get it.

- Let me put this into terms you can understand, OK, Merv?

It's Final Jeopardy!

and you keep spinning Lose a Turn.

If you're not careful, that slut Vanna's going

to turn over an "F" and a "U,"

and you'll miss the Daily Double.

Trebek my drift?

He's taken everything I've created,

melted them down into truth bullets,

fired them into my forehead.

- I like the guy. You know, I really, really do.

But he's just, he's acting like he's not

going to die of prostate cancer in 19 years.

- And you, son, have just witnessed

a key Trump Card in my book, Protect the Downside.

I attacked his ego to hide my own downside.

But my very existence depends on getting the Taj Mahal

at any cost, any cost.

- Hello, Mr. Trump.

I have the new blueprints for the Taj Mahal.

- New blueprints.

Kid, this is my architect.

- Der Scutt.

You know he's a Nazi?

I-I was born in Pennsylvania.

Trump: Those kooky Nazis killed thousands.

- I was five during World War II.

But you don't even own it.

- If you visualize something not with your eyes,

but with the eyeballs inside your brain,

it becomes a reality.

And you know what I call it?

I call it "the secret."

- Adolf Hitler was a terrible man--

Leave him alone.

- I like it. - All right.

So just make the whole foundation

"classier."

- These are great changes, Mr. Trump.

- Hey, do that silly salute that you know I love so much.

- Oh, please don't make me.

- Please do it again, just once.

- Oh, come on. - Come on!

- I'm Japanese.

- New kid in here, please.

- Architecture is cool.

- You and Der Scutt sure make a great team, Mr. Trump.

- This is how it happens.

I have an idea. Der draws it up.

I make it better. It's easy.

You know what the very first building

we worked together on was?

- The one you're sitting in.

Today, Trump Tower is universally recognized

as one of the most erotic buildings on the planet.

Am I wrong, or am I right, or am I wrong?

- You are right.

In fact, a man was recently arrested

for trying to have sex with it.

- He was crazy in love.

But that irresistible design did not happen overnight.

Trump: Chapter Six, the last chapter, OK?

The art of building the Trump Tower.

Little, mini people?

- Well, this is just a proof of concept.

- How is anyone going to know what this is

if we don't have little, mini people walking around,

drinking little, mini coffees,

having a sensational mini shopping experience at our mini Trump Tower?

- I will add mini people.

- Give them all back-stories.

What do they do for a living?

The tiny places that they're from?

And why are they visiting Trump Tower?

Huh

- Yes, Mr. Trump.

Trump: Nowadays, everybody does mini people back-stories.

But back then, it was unheard of.

- Did I ever tell you how Trump Tower came to be?

- Should the mini people's cups be filled with real coffee?

- I had admired the lot on 57th and 5th

since I was nine months old, and I remember that vividly.

I had always wanted to do two things on 5th Avenue--

shoot someone in the middle of the street

and then watch them die, and build a skyscraper.

But to make either dream a reality, I had to get the lease

to that big, stupid Bonwit Teller building,

and then tear it down.

The guy in charge of the property agreed to let me

take over the lease for a measly 25 million dollars.

But I needed this moron to sign a letter of intent.

If he found out how valuable this lot was,

he would be able to sell it to someone else for a whole lot more.

Oops.

Trump: If he found out how valuable this lot was,

he'd be able to sell it to someone else for a whole lot more.

I couldn't let that happen.

And now I'm about to meet with the head of Tiffany's to talk

about buying the air rights above their building.

Tiffany's is the top luxury retailer in the world, OK,

but they don't make lamps.

That is a totally different company,

and if I slipped even once and said something like,

"How's the lamp business going?"

the whole deal would be over.

- I love your lamps. - Thank you.

They were given to me as a gift from Winston Churchill.

Trump: That was a close call.

- I need those air rights, Walter.

I need them.

- Heir rights. - Oh, yes.

- But, Donald, they've been in the family for generations.

Tiffany herself got them for her Sweet 16.

- Have a look at this.

This is what I'm going to have to build

if I don't get those heir rights.

- Yep. And there is nothing I can do about that,

because you've got this place loaded with Mexicans.

Now here is what I will be able to do

if I do get those air rights, you see.

Oh, look at this.

Look at all the little, mini people.

What's this one doing?

Der: Well, he's a dentist who got off work early.

He's shopping for his wife's 50th birthday.

And this one?

Der: Oh, she's visiting from Houston.

Her dad just died from advanced Hodgkin's lymphoma,

but he left her a little money

to do some traveling.

- That's lovely. What about this one?

That is a dog-walker who just got reunited with her twin.

- That's wonderful.

- So what do you lamp, Mr. Hoving?

Do we have a lamp?

- Yes, young man. Yes, we do.

Trump: And with that handshake, I was on my way

to securing deal after deal after deal after deal

after lamp,

after deal, after deal,

after deal, after deal, after deal, after deal,

just to make Trump Tower a reality.

But I had yet to face our most fearsome foes,

the New York City Zoning Board.

They met in secret and made all zoning decisions

based on ancient blood rituals.

But I knew they would approve my request.

I mean, we added little cars.

So now I had approval to tear down

this petrified piece of doggy doo-doo, so I could build my master penis.

But in real estate, nothing is ever easy.

- Smash everything. - No! Stop!

Stop the demolition!

- We're from the Metropolitan Museum of Art,

and those friezes are priceless examples of art deco sculpture.

- They don't look very priceless to me.

- Well, I assure you they are, Mr. Trump.

And they need to be preserved.

- Why didn't you people mention this earlier?

- Well, I was in Italy all summer, giving a lecture

on pornographic medieval art.

- And I am timid.

- Just remove and donate the friezes to the museum,

no matter the cost.

Now if you'll excuse us, we need to go misuse taxpayer dollars

and have affairs with our interns.

Trump: Those friezes turned out to be heavier

than that fat cow Rosie O'Donnell on Thanksgiving.

And the cost of removing them would have

been fantastically astronomical.

- All right, smash it.

Which is yet another Trump Card Element of the Deal

from my book, improve your location.

I smashed the friezes, and in turn, the liberal media

smashed me.

They turned me into some kind of art-smashing rich guy.

So they want to see class?

Der, I want you to slather every square inch

of Trump Tower in brass.

- Mr. Trump, if we add any more,

we will be an uncharted territories of classiness.

It could destroy the whole city.

I thought you Nazis were good at following orders.

Go do it!

- No building has more brass than the Trump Tower.

It costs $14 million a year just to clean the thumbprints.

- The only thing with more brass is my balls.

- You're my hero, Mr. Trump.

It sounds like you got everything you ever wanted.

- You know, I've ruined lives.

I've destroyed careers.

I've blown up landmarks to get what I want.

And yet, I'm always left feeling empty.

Boy: Maybe you're so obsessed with proving to other people

that you're the best, you haven't proved it to yourself.

Maybe there's a hole inside that can't be filled with buildings.

Maybe it can only be filled with humility and love.

Nah, I just need the Taj Mahal, because without it,

I have no legacy. See?

- Well, you left a legacy with me, Mr. Trump.

- I learned to think big, fight for what I believe in.

I learned to follow my dreams, don't do drugs,

use plenty of brass, marry rich, hire a good lawyer,

rap what I know,

always be loyal, and most importantly--

- Always phrase your answer in the form of a question.

- How is everyone getting in here?

Oh, this is a masterpiece.

- Duh.

- There comes a time in everyone's life

where he has to decide whether to shit or get off the pot.

Well, that happened to me.

I was on the toilet for 12 hours today waiting for my gardener

to come and rescue me.

And during that time, I read this entire book.

- You know, it's very well written.

It really is.

- There's no way, though, that I can

top what you've accomplished.

You're the best of the best.

It's time for me to get off the pot.

What I'm trying to say is the Taj Mahal is yours.

- That is what you call the art of the deal.

Shake on it.

- No.

But I will eat cake to it.

- You know, I almost forgot the most important lesson

from my book.

Get out of my way, blondie.

Have fun! Have fun! Right

- Stop!

Don't blow out those candles.

It'll set off a chain of events that ends

with you becoming president.

- That's ridiculous.

- It's not ridiculous.

It's catastrophic.

I've come all the way from the year 2016 to stop it.

- Hey, buddy, why don't you just sit down,

we could have some cake, and we could talk about this?

- I'm going to take you back to the future to stop this.

Come on!

The DeLorean is double-parked out front.

- Look. He's disappearing.

Not again.

- Trump: I already traveled back in time to kill

Christopher Lloyd so he would never star

in "Back to the Future."

- And it was a pain in the ass too.

- Please call me President Me.

- You haven't aged a day.

You look sensational, really.

- Check this. Nuclear codes.

Cool, huh? - Boy: Sweet.

- You can demolish a lot of buildings with that.

I gotta say, this has been the most sensational

40th birthday party I've ever had.

- I got a meeting with Interior Secretary Carmen Electra,

so I'm outie five thousie.

They say that in the future. They do.

Oh, yeah, listen.

Get @DonaldTrump on Twitter as soon as it's invented.

Otherwise you'll be stuck with, like, you know,

@realDonaldTrump.

You'll hate it. Trust me.

- All right, kid, come on.

Let's blow out these candles. Let's go.

Ready?

- I'm not Mr. Trump.

I'm Donald Trump.

- Oh, we must have switched bodies when we blew out

the candles together.

- I love this genre.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful movie franchise.

It's gonna be huge.

- Hi, folks. It's me, Donald Trump.

You're welcome.

Look, if you're not a moronic loser,

you probably picked up on the movie's hidden message,

you know, which is that life is a series of deals, big deals,

little deals, really, really big deals.

And the key to any deal is what? To win.

It doesn't even matter what you win, as long as you win it.

You just have to fuck the other party in their stupid pig-face

as hard as you can because the only thing that matters is you.

And by you, I mean me.

So fuck you.

Fuck foreigners.

Fuck dogs. Fuck cats.

Fuck those transforming robots, whatever, they turn into cars.

By the way, I came up with that idea first, OK?

I called them Changey-bots.

And let me preemptively give another finger

to later critics, who are going to hate this movie

because they didn't have the balls to make it,

and because they're not me, and because I am the best,

and I really, I really don't want to die,

but you know what, that's OK, because I won't,

ever.

Cut.

Hello, it's Gloria.

I'd like to go home.

* The Art of the Deal

- * Some guys write poems with beautiful words *

* Some guys sing songs about flowers and birds *

* But that ain't who I am *

* That kind of crap ain't me *

* Oh, no

* Some guys do sculpture in plastic and steel *

* Some losers paint paintings, abstract and surreal *

* But I don't get it *

* That kind of crap ain't me *

* Can't you see *

* Oh

* The only art I've ever been able to feel *

* Is the only art that matters *

* The Art of the Deal

* The Art of the Deal

* There's nothin' better or quite as sublime *

* As signin' your name on the dotted line *

* That's all the beauty I need in my life *

* That and a big titty Eastern Bloc wife *

* Oh

* The only art I've ever been able to feel *

* The only art that gets me off *

* Is the deal

* Some people make TV shows like "Golden Girls" *

* Or "Different Strokes"

* Some people make "We Are the Worlds" *

* And give American money to some African folks *

- * But that ain't me *

- * I'm on my own *

- * That ain't me *

- * I shall over-comb

* That ain't the man you see shakin' your hand *

* And oh

* The only art that matters ain't Picasso or Pollock *

* Ain't Warhol, Van Gogh, Rothko *

* Dali, Mondrian, or Ron Popeil *

* The only art that matters is the one that makes me squeal *

* So forget those other losers *

* It's the Art of the Deal *

* The Art of the Deal

* The Art of the Deal

* The Art of the Deal

- Wow.

That was...awful.

I mean, hauntingly bad.

It kind of makes me want to rethink my passion for filmmaking.

You know, we should probably just pretend that this film

and, in fact, Donald Trump never even existed.

I am so sorry.

I messed up Jenny for nothing.