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- Hi, I'm Ron Howard,
and you can probably guess
4
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:28,729
that I love film. From silent
picture masterpieces to
5
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:32,166
action films of the present
day to the one we'll
6
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,335
be watching tonight:
7
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:36,537
The Art of the Deal.
8
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,273
Thought to be lost in
the Cybill Shepherd blouse fire
9
00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:43,211
of 1989, the Art of the Deal
is a TV movie,
10
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:45,346
based on the bestselling
Donald Trump autobiography
11
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:46,814
of the same name.
12
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:50,017
In fact, it was written,
directed, and stars
13
00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:52,153
Donald Trump himself.
14
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:55,356
But the Art of the Deal
was almost never seen.
15
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:58,292
It was preempted
by Monday Night Football
16
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:01,829
in 1988. Crappy game too.
Colts versus Browns.
17
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:05,233
Every score was a safety.
Browns won 4 to 2.
18
00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:10,604
Trump was furious,
and vowed never to air
his masterpiece.
19
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:14,375
It disappeared for decades
until last summer
20
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:18,912
when it turned up at a yard sale
outside Phoenix, Arizona.
21
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:24,218
I had to physically
wrestle it from
a nice woman named Jenny.
22
00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:26,187
Much stronger than she looked.
23
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,021
Very persistent.
24
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:32,293
I'm not proud
of what happened,
but what's done is done.
25
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,961
It's mine now.
26
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:37,731
So tonight, this classic
portrait of a New York
27
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:40,634
real estate mogul
at the height of his reign,
28
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:44,372
made by the man himself,
will be shown in its entirety
29
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:46,674
for the very
first time.
30
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,083
Ladies and gentleman,
31
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:58,152
The Art of the Deal.
32
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:06,059
Trump: On my 10th birthday,
I saw something
33
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:09,129
that changed my life.
A picture of a kid standing
34
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,831
in front of the Taj Mahal.
35
00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:12,065
It was gorgeous.
36
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:13,967
It was huge.
37
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,936
And it was easily the classiest
thing ever built by a Muslim.
38
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:19,473
So I vowed that day
to buy my own Taj Mahal.
39
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,909
And 30 years later,
I got my chance.
40
00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:25,379
This one was even classier
because it was a casino.
41
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:30,818
And it was in a place way
more beautiful than India,
New Jersey.
42
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:33,254
It was the Taj Mahal Casino
in Atlantic City,
43
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:36,357
but it was owned
by the notorious
tight-ass Merv Griffin.
44
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:40,794
So getting it would take more
than my normal deal-making,
genius super powers.
45
00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:44,432
It would take
the art of the deal.
46
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:47,201
This is that story,
in movie form,
47
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:50,671
based on my
bestselling book, which was
in bestselling book form.
48
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:54,041
This is "The Art of the Deal."
Okay?
49
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:57,811
Man:
* The Art of the Deal
50
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,496
* Some guys write poems
with beautiful words *
51
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:19,333
* Some guys sing songs
about flowers and birds *
52
00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:21,869
* But that ain't
who I am *
53
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:25,138
* That kind'a
crap ain't me *
54
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:27,174
* Ooh, no
55
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:30,077
* Some guys do sculptures
in plastic and steel *
56
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:34,014
* Some losers paint paintings,
abstract and surreal *
57
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:35,783
* But I don't get it *
58
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:39,620
* That kind
of crap ain't me *
59
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,889
* Can't you see *
60
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,724
* Oh
61
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:48,329
* The only art
I've ever been able to feel *
62
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:54,968
* Is the only art
that matters *
63
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:57,838
* The Art of the Deal
64
00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:13,754
- Hey!
65
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,789
Put down that bestselling book!
66
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,630
Damn.
67
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,538
Trump:
That is a hell of a book.
68
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,542
- Kid, I lived it.
69
00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:38,245
And then, of course,
I took credit for writing it.
70
00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:40,247
- Holy cowabunga.
71
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,915
You're Donald Trump.
72
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,652
- That is my name and you
cannot wear it out, trust me.
73
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,521
You must really want this book.
74
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:50,257
- All the stores are sold out.
75
00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:52,826
- Do you know that this
is the second bestselling book
76
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,195
of all time,
after the Bible,
77
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,197
which took 12 guys to write?
78
00:04:57,197 --> 00:05:00,368
And you know what,
it's boring, very boring.
79
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:03,270
Woman: Mr. Trump,
I've got Merv Griffin
on the line for you.
80
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,072
- Merv Griffin.
81
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,674
Why did you not say so, Deborah?
82
00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:07,875
Woman: It's Gloria.
83
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,210
- Deborah!
84
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,913
Boy: The Merv Griffin,
the singer, the actor,
85
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,115
the creator of "Wheel of
Fortune" and "Jeopardy!"?
86
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:18,852
- Merv Griffin owns
the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.
87
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,021
Now, this is a place
I have dreamt
88
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:24,425
about owning since
before I had orange pubic hair.
89
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:27,861
A chance at immortality.
90
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,463
But I can't let him know
how much I want it
91
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,198
because then he'll
have all the leverage.
92
00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:32,733
You see what I'm saying?
93
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:36,670
That is Trump Card
Element of the Deal number 1.
94
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,439
Use your leverage.
95
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,311
- Put him through!
- Gloria: I already did.
96
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:45,345
You're on speaker.
97
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,080
Griffin: Aloha, Donald.
98
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,249
I'm wearing a headset, so
I don't have to hold anything.
99
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:50,651
What a world.
100
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:51,952
Trump: Well, that's good.
You know why?
101
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,721
Because I wanted you
to hear all that.
102
00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:55,456
- Well, that's good
because I did.
103
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:56,657
- Good.
- Good.
104
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:57,658
- Good.
- Good.
105
00:05:57,658 --> 00:06:00,127
- Good.
- Good.
106
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:02,696
- Did you know that Shah Jahan
built the Taj Mahal
107
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:06,099
as a tomb for his third wife
when he was 40 years old?
108
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:09,737
Now, I am 40 today,
and I don't have a thing
109
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:11,472
to bury my wife in.
110
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,006
- It's not like you
to get emotional
about business, Donald.
111
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:14,642
Trump:
I want the Taj Mahal.
112
00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:17,210
This is not just
a deal for a casino, Merv.
113
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,046
It's a deal for my soul.
114
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,816
- Sounds like
this is your Rosebud.
115
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:26,386
- Rosebud,
from from "Citizen Kane."
116
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,855
- I don't follow.
117
00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:29,690
- It's a classic movie
about a megalomaniac
118
00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:32,325
who runs for office and ends
up destroying everyone
119
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:35,228
around him, just to
regain a piece of his soul
120
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,230
that was taken away
from him in childhood.
121
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,501
This is like a snooze.
I'm going to fall asleep.
122
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,002
- You should really watch it.
123
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,572
- I'd rather swallow
a bag of hair, Merv.
124
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:46,373
- Didn't you want
to make a deal?
125
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,175
Trump: Oh, yeah.
126
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:51,745
You know, speaking of which, I
heard that "Let's Make a Deal"
127
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,882
is killing "Wheel
of Fortune" in the ratings.
128
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:57,317
- That son of a bitch Nielsen.
129
00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:59,386
He's had it out for me
ever since I beat him
130
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:00,721
at tennis in '49.
131
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,355
Well, he's not
getting a rematch,
132
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,157
and you're not getting
the Taj Mahal, Trump.
133
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:05,826
- Merv!
134
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:08,361
- I'd rather sell it to a group
of Japanese business robots.
135
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,630
- Don't you say that.
136
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,899
- I'd rather sell it
to an A-rab.
137
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:14,935
So Allahu Akbar, Donald.
138
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:19,272
And good luck with your soul.
139
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:21,809
- I want the Taj Mahal!
140
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:23,443
I want
the Taj Mahal!
141
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:31,051
Gloria: Just a reminder
that you're meeting
with the Genovese family
142
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,186
about that cement shipment
tomorrow at 9:00,
143
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,789
Robert Durst called and said,
he put the thing in the thing.
144
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,691
He said you'd know
what he means.
145
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:41,094
That actress
in "Maximum Overdrive"
is named Marla Maples.
146
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:43,564
You've got that cryogenics
appointment at noon,
147
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:45,465
and you are no longer
a registered Democrat.
148
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,970
Gloria: Yes, sir.
149
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,705
No one
called about my birthday?
150
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,841
Gloria: No, Mr. Trump.
151
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,710
Gloria: No. Nothing.
152
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:57,945
Come on.
153
00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,313
He always gives me
those Isotoners.
154
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,315
Gloria: Sorry, sir.
155
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,051
- Boy, that's sad.
156
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:04,918
- That is not sad.
157
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,987
I am too busy to be sad, kid.
158
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:11,024
Let me tell you who I've
talked to so far this week, OK?
159
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:13,927
Lee Iacocca, listen,
we are both rich white men.
160
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,929
Why don't we buy some condos
in Fort Lauderdale?
161
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:20,801
Tell Mayor Ed Koch that
he's a scum-sucking fuck-pig,
162
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,003
and I'm going to shove
this building so far
163
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,707
up his fucking Jewish ass,
he will be shitting I-beams!
164
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,676
All right. Thanks, Dad.
Love you.
165
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:31,411
I want my daughter to grow
up and be someone that I
166
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,480
would totally
have sex with.
167
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,684
Mr. Gorbachev,
tear down this wall.
168
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:38,318
I can build you
a much nicer one.
169
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:41,054
It's called real estate,
not fake estate.
170
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,190
You're supposed to
avoid the Noid, a-hole.
171
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:47,260
If he's stuck in quicksand,
Junior, he's a goner.
172
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,796
Sue them, Jerry.
173
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,130
Konichiwa, sensei.
174
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,899
Sue them!
175
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:54,267
Merv, you have got to change
your mind about the Taj Mahal.
176
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,870
I mean, but don't change
it too soon because we
177
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,372
need that tension in the plot.
178
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,774
All right.
179
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,643
Larry, stop the montage.
180
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,678
Successful people are
always on the phone,
181
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,980
even if there's
no one on the other end.
182
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,182
It's another gem
from my book, by the way.
183
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:11,351
Get the word out.
184
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,124
I first started
to master the art of the deal
185
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:19,993
back in 1966, when I was
at Wharton Business School.
186
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:23,030
So while other kids were
busy smoking reefers
187
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:24,665
and contracting herpes
in Saigon,
188
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:27,134
I was studying
foreclosure notices
189
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:30,638
so that I could be a real estate
mogul, just like my dad.
190
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:33,206
- My dad died in Vietnam.
191
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,708
He was a hero.
192
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:39,312
- I would say it's a little bit
more heroic not to get killed.
193
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,381
I had my own Vietnam.
194
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:45,252
I had to start up
with nothing but the shirt
195
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:48,622
on my back and
a small million-dollar loan
196
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,457
from my father.
197
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:52,559
- How awful.
198
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:55,729
- Do you know that it was barely
enough to buy a nice building
199
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:57,998
on Central Park South?
Can you believe it?
200
00:09:57,998 --> 00:10:00,033
I wanted to demolish
it, but the...you know,
201
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,969
the tenants were
rent controlled.
202
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,637
- Rent-controlled apartments
on Central Park South?
203
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:06,506
What a bunch
of wealthy freeloaders.
204
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,408
- I had to get rid
of them somehow.
205
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,643
Otherwise, I would never be
206
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,845
able to tear
that ugly building down.
207
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:13,480
Chapter One:
208
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:18,085
The art intimidating
rent controlled tenants.
209
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:23,724
That is when I literally
bumped into my stinky answer.
210
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,927
Could you go and be
homeless somewhere else?
211
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:28,428
Don't touch my food.
212
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,698
- You'll never get
the Taj Mahal.
213
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:38,471
- I said, help a brother out,
will you?
214
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,941
Trump: I had a sensational
idea to move
215
00:10:40,941 --> 00:10:43,143
some of
those dirty homeless in,
216
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,145
to scare those
rent control crybabies out.
217
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,613
- I got an idea.
218
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:49,382
I think you could help me out.
219
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:50,483
- Whoa.
220
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,119
Is that a hundred
221
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,520
- You're goddamn right it's
a hundred-dollar bill.
222
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:54,888
- Wow. Wow.
223
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:58,225
- Do you like, uh,
pissing indoors?
224
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:00,527
How would you like
to piss indoors
225
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,096
for $100
in Central Park South?
226
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,299
- Truth be told, a lot of
it's going to be blood.
227
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:08,836
- Nice to know.
Always nice to know.
228
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,403
So you're prepared.
229
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,105
Boy: So you
paid the homeless people
230
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,574
to piss and poop
in your building
231
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:15,575
to make the tenants leave?
232
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,744
Trump: I wanted to.
233
00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:18,345
But the city wouldn't let me.
234
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,013
- All's you were trying
to do was help.
235
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,014
Trump: No kidding.
236
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:24,752
Everyone was out to get me.
237
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,354
Chapter Two:
The art defeating
238
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,157
totally bogus
discrimination lawsuits.
239
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:31,892
Okay?
240
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,261
Mayor Koch,
you gotta be kidding me.
241
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:37,497
I, Donald J. Trump, am being
sued for discriminating
242
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:39,099
against minorities?
243
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,901
- It's all part of my liberal
agenda there, Donald.
244
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,836
- I love minorities!
245
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,437
They're exotic.
246
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:46,073
They're sensual,
especially the Asians.
247
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:47,808
- It's not the Asians.
248
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:49,877
They're my absolute favorites.
249
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:52,345
Come on. They go to brises
just for fun sometimes.
250
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:53,981
Look at this.
251
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,849
This says, "I had fun at
Josh Lowenstein's Bar Mitzvah."
252
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:59,152
And I truly did.
It was sensational.
253
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,121
The gefilte fish
254
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:02,856
- Well, I think we were talking
about the African-Americans
255
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:03,991
you won't rent to, Donald.
256
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,326
That is the problem.
257
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,527
- Look, Koch.
258
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:10,864
New York should be
a place where everyone
259
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:14,167
no matter their race,
religion, creed, color,
260
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,369
can be priced out of
their own neighborhood.
261
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:18,638
Not this hellhole
where the wealthy elite
262
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:22,776
live
in fear of rent control.
263
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:25,478
- I'm just a stupid politician.
264
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,680
I don't have
your intellectual prowess.
265
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,049
Now, you know what?
266
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,584
Maybe a savvy
businessman one day
267
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,353
is going to be mayor
of this beautiful city,
268
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,088
President
of the United States even.
269
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,489
But until that happens,
270
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:39,960
I am going to make sure
you don't succeed.
271
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,294
- Let me tell you something.
272
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,363
Your episode
of "SNL" sucked.
273
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:44,597
Sucked.
274
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,100
- I'm gonna watch it on tape.
275
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,969
- I could do much better!
276
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:53,140
Donald J. Trump
could do much better.
277
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,608
I don't judge a person based
on the color of their skin
278
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:58,145
or their tendency towards rape,
or even the color
279
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,346
they dye their hair.
280
00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:02,582
I mean, I judge
them based on how
281
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:04,551
they affect property value.
282
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:05,986
- I don't understand.
283
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:07,420
- Do you see this thing
taking my measurements?
284
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:11,224
She has what you
call "curb appeal."
285
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:14,327
Any tenant would be pleased to
see her outside his building,
286
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,896
trust me.
287
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:18,098
- OK.
- Get the inseam again.
288
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:25,505
So by day,
it was me against the city.
289
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:29,142
But by night,
it was me and the city.
290
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,677
Cue the montage, Larry!
291
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:32,779
The streets of New York
were my playground,
292
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:34,948
but my office was
the most exclusive nightclub
293
00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:37,050
on the planet, Le Club.
294
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:40,287
It's where powerful white men
wined and dined
to get things done.
295
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:43,223
But because I was such
a notorious rutting stag,
296
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:46,293
they only let me
join under one condition.
297
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:47,861
Promise me
that you won't sleep
298
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,529
with any of the other club
members' wives.
299
00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:51,531
- What you talkin' 'bout,
club boss?
300
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:54,601
"Different Strokes."
301
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:55,835
"Different Strokes."
302
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,237
Great show.
303
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:59,239
- If I owned that building,
I would never
304
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:03,877
have allowed that rich white man
to adopt those black children.
305
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,578
- Of course not.
306
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,847
Donald--
307
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,849
- The members
of the club are nervous.
308
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,352
- About you.
309
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,121
They can't compete with someone
so young and good-looking,
310
00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:17,057
smart, charming as you.
311
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,725
I'm not done.
312
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:20,894
Dynamite hair, cool teeth,
313
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,195
sweet breath.
314
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,064
- Big, hairy dick.
315
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,232
I'm not done.
316
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,667
Awesome name Trump.
317
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,069
Smart blue blazer.
318
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,471
- Mm.
- Cool pin and tie.
319
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:34,007
Killer brows.
320
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,608
The whole shebang.
321
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:38,178
So what do you say?
322
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,880
No sleeping with
other people's wives.
323
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:44,684
- Deal.
324
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,388
- Let's celebrate
with a couple martinis.
325
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,689
Sheila!
326
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,992
- No, I don't drink drinks.
327
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:54,962
I only drink women, sexually.
328
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:57,530
And I don't let
my lips touch the glass,
329
00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:58,698
if you know what I mean.
330
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,100
- I'm not sure that I do.
331
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,368
I digressed.
332
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:04,437
Terribly sorry about that.
333
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,546
Excuse me.
334
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:16,616
I noticed you from
across the room, okay.
335
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:20,787
Roy Cohn, right-hand man
to Senator Eugene McCarthy,
336
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:24,057
who sold
out his fellow Americans
337
00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:27,027
during the Communist
witch hunt of the 1950s.
338
00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,295
That Roy Cohn?
339
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,597
- That's me.
340
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,465
Trump: Roy Cohn
was just the kind of savage
341
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,368
I needed to help me beat
those discrimination charges.
342
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:40,373
He was a real straight-shooter,
I mean, emphasis on "straight."
343
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:43,343
- I just want tenants
who pay their rent
344
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,812
and don't play all that
stuff that will eventually
345
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,514
be called "rap music."
346
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:50,750
Roy mutilated
the government's case, okay.
347
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:54,254
And we never had to admit
that we refused to rent
to black people.
348
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:55,955
That felt great.
349
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:59,859
Which is another Trump Card
Element of the Deal, fight back.
350
00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,532
Which we did.
351
00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:07,334
And that was all thanks to
Roy Cohn, saint of a man.
352
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:13,206
- He died of AIDS alone,
unloved, and terrified.
353
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:15,042
- And thank God for AIDS.
354
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:16,509
Otherwise I wouldn't
be your attorney.
355
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:20,280
- Kid, Jerry Schrager,
one of the top Jew
356
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,316
real estate lawyers
in all of New York City.
357
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,320
- This guy's, I mean, he's an
absolute Jewish animal when it
358
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,356
comes to making deals
for his top client,
359
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:32,992
me, who's not Jewish--
-That's right.
360
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,495
- He will bite off your pecker.
Won't you, Jerry?
361
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,330
Yeah, well,
it's a tough business.
362
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,566
- Show him your teeth, Jerry.
363
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:42,135
- Show the kid
your cock-chompers!
364
00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:46,206
Show him you'll bite
someone's pecker off.
365
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,474
- Oh, Mr. Trump,
that's OK.
366
00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:48,975
- No, it's important.
367
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:51,111
Jerry, go ahead, and be
realistic about it. Come on.
368
00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:57,750
- Growl a little.
Get into it.
369
00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,360
All right.
Don't, don't eat it.
370
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,130
- I'm trying
to make a point.
371
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:13,600
Kid, grab
a wastebasket, please.
372
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,469
Give me that scumbag
that cleans shit up in here.
373
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,876
- Oh, God.
374
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,517
- We need to talk about
your testimony for tomorrow's
court appearance.
375
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:33,320
Just bite their peckers off,
Jerry, like you always do.
376
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,225
Excuse me.
377
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:41,361
- That's a hell of a guy right
there, and a fantastic client.
378
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:45,665
We're suing currently
3,721 people or entities.
379
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:48,468
Let me take you through
them in painstaking detail.
380
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:06,453
Ohh.
381
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:07,520
Fuck it.
382
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,860
Happy birthday, Donald Trump.
383
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:29,309
You're a winner.
384
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,944
- You'll never get
the Taj Mahal.
385
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:37,284
- No. No.
386
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:39,419
I am not a loser.
387
00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:40,787
I'm a winner.
388
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,725
- Whoa! No!
389
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:49,162
I don't want to be a loser.
I want to be a winner.
390
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,298
A Winner. A winner.
391
00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:53,900
That was very emotional.
392
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,736
I mean, almost vulnerable.
393
00:18:56,736 --> 00:19:00,340
I think I just had
an Oscar moment.
394
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,576
I have got to get
the Taj Mahal.
395
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:08,615
- And of course, we're suing
396
00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:10,683
Ms. Reynolds' second grade class
for copyright infringement.
397
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,821
- Best shit of my life.
398
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:15,955
No problem there.
399
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,224
I mean, I shit easily.
400
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:19,292
World class Trump dump.
401
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:22,495
- I was just telling
the kid here about the art
of suing people.
402
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,564
- It just seems like
whoever has the most money
403
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,766
and the most Jewish lawyers
has an unfair advantage.
404
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:29,068
- Exactly.
- See, now you're
getting it, kid.
405
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:32,339
You know, suing someone,
that's the most beautiful thing
406
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:35,141
one human being can do to
another human being.
407
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:38,010
- You don't look convinced.
408
00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:41,047
Doris, get me the Fat Boys.
409
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:42,715
Oh, you've heard of them?
410
00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:43,783
- I love them.
411
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,285
- Yo, Mr. Trump.
What's up?
412
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,355
- Hey, Mr. Trump.
Hey, white kid.
413
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,523
- Fat Boys, I brought
you here to give us
414
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,426
one of your fabulous
and sensational raps.
415
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,127
- Yes, sir.
- It's all we got.
416
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,931
- * When you
got a little problem *
417
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,867
* And you can't work it out
with a banker, a tenant *
418
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,602
* Or even a spouse
419
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,671
* There's just one place
that you should go *
420
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:07,407
* Where the floors are marble
and the halls are hallowed *
421
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,577
- * Chump does you wrong, and
you want to tell the world *
422
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,779
* Or you seek damages
that you deserve *
423
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,448
* There's just one thing
that you have to do *
424
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:16,849
* S-U-E, homeboy
425
00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:18,518
* Sue sue sue
426
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,820
- * Tort laws,
affidavits, Chapter 13 *
427
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:23,222
* These are just a few
of our favorite things *
428
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:26,092
* So don't smear our name or
break your contract *
429
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,761
* Or you'll find yourself
in court just like that *
430
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,029
- * Lawsuit
- * Lawsuit
431
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,531
- * Lawsuit Rap
432
00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:32,965
- * Lawsuit
- * Lawsuit
433
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:34,334
* Lawsuit Rap
434
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,835
* Lawsuit, Lawsuit
435
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,404
* Lawsuit Rap
436
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:39,706
* Lawsuit, Lawsuit,
Lawsuit Rap *
437
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,310
- You know, seeing you
and the Fat Boys rapping
438
00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:46,178
like that reminds me of the
biggest lawsuit you ever had.
439
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,680
Trump: Oh, you mean the...
- Yeah.
440
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,649
I'm talking about
a little organization called...
441
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:51,217
The NFL.
442
00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:52,885
- That's right.
443
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:57,924
- Chapter Three: The art
suing those losers at the NFL.
444
00:20:57,924 --> 00:21:01,127
Jerry: A few years ago,
Mr. Trump a bunch
of money lying around,
445
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:03,630
so he brought a team in the
United States Football League
446
00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:05,732
called the New Jersey Generals.
447
00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:07,700
They almost got
Lawrence Taylor,
448
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,436
but he slipped in cocaine
and hit his head
449
00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:11,237
and forgot
to sign the contract.
450
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:14,474
Trump: See, I wanted to take on
the NFL, helmet to helmet-hair.
451
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:16,409
And they were not
happy about it,
452
00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:19,178
okay, because of course,
they're losers.
453
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:23,182
Gloria: I've got that fat slob
Pete Rozelle on the line.
454
00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,317
- Morning, Pete.
455
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:26,252
Still as inept as ever I hope.
456
00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:28,688
- I trust you've given up
on your silly fantasy
457
00:21:28,688 --> 00:21:31,758
of moving the USFL season
from the spring to the fall.
458
00:21:31,758 --> 00:21:33,793
- Not only have I not given up,
459
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:36,696
I am challenging
the NFL head on.
460
00:21:36,696 --> 00:21:38,398
I just need to get
the TV rights to do it.
461
00:21:38,398 --> 00:21:39,899
- Well, you will never get them.
462
00:21:39,899 --> 00:21:43,470
We own the networks--
ABC, CBS, NBC.
463
00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,738
You're making
a big mistake here, Trump.
464
00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:48,307
- Actually, I'm making
the opposite of a mistake.
465
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,877
It's a good-stake.
I'll see you in court.
466
00:21:54,246 --> 00:21:57,750
Trump: So I sued the NFL
for breaking antitrust laws.
467
00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,619
- Your witness, Mr. Trump.
468
00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:03,556
Ladies and gentlemen of
the jury, your honor, Spuds.
469
00:22:05,892 --> 00:22:09,962
Mr. Rozelle,
isn't it true that you
470
00:22:09,962 --> 00:22:15,402
pledged to, quote, "destroy the
United States Football League,"
471
00:22:15,402 --> 00:22:17,837
which is a league
that people love?
472
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,706
Trump: Whereas as I was
well-spoken and handsome,
473
00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:21,941
Rozelle was
a fat, sweaty turd,
474
00:22:21,941 --> 00:22:23,943
who literally barfed on
himself in the middle of court.
475
00:22:23,943 --> 00:22:25,378
I mean, who does that?
476
00:22:25,378 --> 00:22:29,616
But none of us were prepared
for what happened next.
477
00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:31,350
- We, the jury,
find the defendant,
478
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:33,052
the National Football League...
479
00:22:41,528 --> 00:22:43,563
What happened?
480
00:22:45,131 --> 00:22:46,332
I'm sorry.
481
00:22:46,332 --> 00:22:48,000
I get emotional
telling this story.
482
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,736
It's just one
of my few weaknesses.
483
00:22:49,736 --> 00:22:51,704
- I love justice.
- And that's rare these days.
484
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:56,208
- Speaking of rare,
this is a prototype
485
00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,077
for a new line of Trump Steaks.
486
00:22:58,077 --> 00:23:02,048
This is the finest meat
anywhere since Kelly McGillis
from "Top Gun."
487
00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:03,583
Try some.
488
00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:07,720
Salsa,
on an American steak?
489
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,456
- Whoa, whoa. Easy, kid.
490
00:23:10,790 --> 00:23:11,991
- José.
491
00:23:11,991 --> 00:23:13,493
- It's not working
out with this kid.
492
00:23:13,493 --> 00:23:14,594
Let's go to a commercial.
493
00:23:14,594 --> 00:23:16,696
Male Voiceover: Trump the Game.
494
00:23:16,696 --> 00:23:20,467
- So was the NFL violating
antitrust laws?
495
00:23:20,467 --> 00:23:22,334
- We, the jury,
find the defendant,
496
00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:23,770
the National Football League...
497
00:23:25,938 --> 00:23:27,507
guilty.
498
00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:31,811
They are absolutely
100% guilty.
499
00:23:33,212 --> 00:23:35,114
- I happen to totally agree.
500
00:23:35,114 --> 00:23:37,984
And what have you decided to
award the plaintiff in damages?
501
00:23:37,984 --> 00:23:43,089
- We award damages
in the amount of $1.
502
00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:46,559
Trump: It was a symbolic gesture
and a slap in the face.
503
00:23:46,559 --> 00:23:48,728
Jerry: It was no big
whoop to Mr. Trump.
504
00:23:48,728 --> 00:23:50,730
He's a billionaire.
505
00:23:50,730 --> 00:23:53,365
No, the real victims were
those poor, dumb fans
506
00:23:53,365 --> 00:23:54,767
with nothing else to live for.
507
00:23:54,767 --> 00:23:56,903
- Oh, my aching foots.
508
00:23:56,903 --> 00:23:59,772
Ivana, my darling, don't
talk about your aching foots.
509
00:23:59,772 --> 00:24:03,042
Kid, the love of
my life.
510
00:24:03,042 --> 00:24:05,645
My wife, the Czechoslovakian
immigrant, Ivana Trump.
511
00:24:07,980 --> 00:24:09,749
- Not hardly.
512
00:24:09,749 --> 00:24:12,218
Sir Donald has me working
all the day at the casino.
513
00:24:12,218 --> 00:24:15,555
- What she's talking about
is the most elegant,
514
00:24:15,555 --> 00:24:18,491
sensational Trump Castle
in Atlantic City.
515
00:24:18,491 --> 00:24:20,459
- She runs it.
- Oh, yes.
516
00:24:20,459 --> 00:24:22,128
I...
517
00:24:22,128 --> 00:24:24,063
- Taj Mahal is still the
ultimate dream, of course.
518
00:24:24,063 --> 00:24:26,298
-Yes, it is a building
more beautiful
519
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,035
than anything or anyone.
520
00:24:29,035 --> 00:24:30,837
- That is correct.
- Yes, I know.
521
00:24:30,837 --> 00:24:33,472
He make me dress up as
the Taj Mahal sometimes.
522
00:24:33,472 --> 00:24:35,474
It's very heavy.
523
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:37,677
I broke
my clavicle once.
524
00:24:37,677 --> 00:24:39,779
- Obviously, Ivana's jealous
525
00:24:39,779 --> 00:24:42,682
because she won't be
buried in the Taj Mahal
since she's not my third wife.
526
00:24:44,116 --> 00:24:45,484
- But you know,
being entombed forever
527
00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:48,988
in Trump Castle,
not so bad.
528
00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:50,590
- It actually
used to be a Hilton.
529
00:24:50,590 --> 00:24:53,760
- One of
my all-time great deals.
530
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,963
You see that?
531
00:24:56,963 --> 00:24:59,265
Tony,
zoom in on the model, OK?
532
00:24:59,265 --> 00:25:00,700
Look, me and the model.
533
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:02,635
Can you see it?
Look, look.
534
00:25:02,635 --> 00:25:04,336
Huh
535
00:25:04,336 --> 00:25:07,439
No. Stop.
536
00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:09,175
Deal with your foots.
537
00:25:18,384 --> 00:25:19,886
Trump: Chapter Four:
538
00:25:19,886 --> 00:25:22,254
The art buying a casino
from the Hilton family.
539
00:25:23,990 --> 00:25:25,892
The Hilton family tried to
get into the casino business,
540
00:25:25,892 --> 00:25:28,828
but they were too stupid,
and the whole thing fell apart.
541
00:25:28,828 --> 00:25:31,731
So I flew out to California
to meet with the heir
542
00:25:31,731 --> 00:25:33,900
to the Hilton fortune,
Barron Hilton.
543
00:25:33,900 --> 00:25:36,268
He had what I call lucky sperm.
544
00:25:36,268 --> 00:25:38,671
OK, he was born wealthy
and had everything
545
00:25:38,671 --> 00:25:43,142
handed to him by his daddy.
The guy was a total loser.
546
00:25:43,142 --> 00:25:45,177
Don't tell him I said that.
547
00:25:45,177 --> 00:25:48,547
- So what brings you here,
old chap?
548
00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:51,483
- Well, I heard the bad news
about the gambling license,
549
00:25:51,483 --> 00:25:56,522
and I wanted to send
my condolences because really,
550
00:25:56,522 --> 00:25:57,657
that blows.
551
00:25:57,657 --> 00:25:59,158
- Yes.
552
00:25:59,158 --> 00:26:02,028
The whole thing was
a ghastly mess.
553
00:26:02,028 --> 00:26:05,397
- Atlantic City is
a very political city,
554
00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:09,001
and they don't really
trust foreigners.
555
00:26:09,001 --> 00:26:10,469
- You're absolutely right.
556
00:26:10,469 --> 00:26:11,904
But, uh,
lucky for me, of course,
557
00:26:11,904 --> 00:26:13,740
I was born and raised
in the United States.
558
00:26:13,740 --> 00:26:15,975
Dallas, Texas, in fact.
559
00:26:15,975 --> 00:26:21,380
Because I detect an accent.
560
00:26:21,380 --> 00:26:22,882
An accent?
561
00:26:22,882 --> 00:26:25,084
No, you're talking
bollocks, mate.
562
00:26:25,084 --> 00:26:27,620
- You see, that's what I mean.
563
00:26:27,620 --> 00:26:29,555
Americans don't say bollocks.
564
00:26:29,555 --> 00:26:32,258
- I'd say if anyone's got
an accent here, mate, it's you.
565
00:26:32,258 --> 00:26:33,960
See, you've got one
of those accents
566
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,195
like one of those old-timey
New York ruffians.
567
00:26:36,195 --> 00:26:38,965
Say, um, "I'd hate to see
your mother have an accident."
568
00:26:38,965 --> 00:26:41,533
- I would hate to see
your mother have an accident.
569
00:26:41,533 --> 00:26:42,869
- There.
Right there. Brilliant.
570
00:26:42,869 --> 00:26:44,270
Brilliant.
Yeah. Scary
571
00:26:44,270 --> 00:26:46,472
- Listen, enough of
the rumpy pumpy, okay?
572
00:26:46,472 --> 00:26:49,475
Let's just get down
to straight old business.
573
00:26:49,475 --> 00:26:52,378
If you ever decide you want to
sell that big, honking casino
574
00:26:52,378 --> 00:26:53,579
of yours, you call me.
575
00:26:53,579 --> 00:26:54,781
- I will, sir.
576
00:26:56,515 --> 00:26:58,484
- Donald Trump.
577
00:26:58,484 --> 00:27:00,887
- Ya'll come back
sometime, you hear?
578
00:27:00,887 --> 00:27:04,691
- And I got the place
for $320 million.
579
00:27:04,691 --> 00:27:06,225
Again, with
someone else's money.
580
00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:09,528
Now that is another Trump
Card Element of the Deal.
581
00:27:09,528 --> 00:27:10,697
Know your market.
582
00:27:14,867 --> 00:27:16,969
- Anyway, as I was saying...
583
00:27:16,969 --> 00:27:18,104
- You weren't saying anything.
Shut up.
584
00:27:18,104 --> 00:27:20,339
- I was.
- I put Ivana in charge.
585
00:27:20,339 --> 00:27:21,640
Do you know why?
586
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,309
Because she's more
than just a pretty face and,
587
00:27:23,309 --> 00:27:27,379
you know, obviously,
the glorious set of yabbos.
588
00:27:27,379 --> 00:27:28,681
Huh, baby?
589
00:27:28,681 --> 00:27:30,917
- Right. Yes.
So this...
590
00:27:30,917 --> 00:27:32,584
- No, stop.
N-No, it doesn't mean talk.
591
00:27:32,584 --> 00:27:34,253
- But...
592
00:27:34,253 --> 00:27:35,955
- You know, she also gave me
my three beautiful children?
593
00:27:35,955 --> 00:27:37,990
Did you not, darling?
Did you not?
594
00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:40,592
- I did, 100%.
- You did.
595
00:27:40,592 --> 00:27:41,961
- Yes, I never forget
596
00:27:41,961 --> 00:27:43,562
- Witnessing the birth
of my first child
597
00:27:43,562 --> 00:27:47,734
was like one of the top 15
moments of my life, easily.
598
00:27:47,734 --> 00:27:49,468
- OK, so I...
- Shush!
599
00:27:49,468 --> 00:27:50,737
- I will be quiet.
600
00:27:50,737 --> 00:27:53,039
- And I gotta compliment
Ivana, you know,
601
00:27:53,039 --> 00:27:55,241
because she really kept things
relatively tight downstairs.
602
00:27:55,241 --> 00:27:59,712
Because childbirth can be
brutal on the private parts
603
00:27:59,712 --> 00:28:01,347
of a woman.
604
00:28:01,347 --> 00:28:05,217
I'm known as a great
negotiator, but in this case,
605
00:28:05,217 --> 00:28:07,887
Ivana's got
the best deal of all.
606
00:28:07,887 --> 00:28:09,588
Don't you, baby?
607
00:28:09,588 --> 00:28:11,824
- Ooh.
- Me.
608
00:28:13,726 --> 00:28:15,327
Trump: Chapter Five:
609
00:28:15,327 --> 00:28:18,831
The art of marrying
a gorgeous immigrant.
610
00:28:18,831 --> 00:28:21,433
It was
a very classy wedding, OK?
611
00:28:21,433 --> 00:28:24,003
Ivana looked
like a very classy angel.
612
00:28:24,003 --> 00:28:26,438
I had on a very classy
licensed Trump suit.
613
00:28:26,438 --> 00:28:29,976
Great cut.
My junk looked huge.
614
00:28:29,976 --> 00:28:32,578
- You may kiss your gorgeous
groom, you lucky bride.
615
00:28:34,346 --> 00:28:37,516
- And my best man gave one
of the classiest speeches ever,
616
00:28:37,516 --> 00:28:40,186
including ancient Roman times.
617
00:28:41,220 --> 00:28:42,554
- Attention.
618
00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:45,892
For those of you wondering,
yes, it is really me.
619
00:28:45,892 --> 00:28:48,861
And, no, I don't know
where your cat is.
620
00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,698
All right. All right.
Settle down.
621
00:28:52,698 --> 00:28:55,601
In all seriousness,
I'd like to talk a little bit
622
00:28:55,601 --> 00:28:56,803
about the Donald.
623
00:28:56,803 --> 00:28:58,670
We all know he's a style icon.
624
00:28:58,670 --> 00:29:00,272
He stole my haircut.
625
00:29:01,673 --> 00:29:04,143
Yeah. He's a ladies' man,
a real estate mogul,
626
00:29:04,143 --> 00:29:08,347
who never discriminates against
tenants based on their race.
627
00:29:09,515 --> 00:29:12,351
But he's more than that,
a lot more.
628
00:29:12,351 --> 00:29:14,420
And I want you to know
I might be hot now,
629
00:29:14,420 --> 00:29:17,623
but before I got "Alf,"
I was a destructive mess.
630
00:29:17,623 --> 00:29:20,960
I was a ticking time bomb
waiting to go off.
631
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:22,661
I was all alone.
632
00:29:22,661 --> 00:29:25,397
I had no friends, no family.
633
00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:28,100
And just when I was
at my darkest point,
634
00:29:28,100 --> 00:29:31,137
there was one man
who shined a light on me,
635
00:29:31,137 --> 00:29:34,606
a man who made me
believe in myself again.
636
00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:39,979
I know, Donald, I could never
repay you for what you've done,
637
00:29:39,979 --> 00:29:43,482
but I will die trying.
638
00:29:43,482 --> 00:29:45,952
I love you, Donald Trump.
639
00:29:45,952 --> 00:29:47,386
You know what? You too, Alf.
640
00:29:47,386 --> 00:29:51,257
You are the only
illegal alien I truly love.
641
00:29:51,257 --> 00:29:53,425
- Truly.
- Oh, that's...
642
00:29:53,425 --> 00:29:54,426
- Shush!
643
00:29:54,426 --> 00:29:56,362
- To Donald Trump.
644
00:29:56,362 --> 00:30:00,432
Ah! Now everybody,
Wang Chung tonight.
645
00:30:06,438 --> 00:30:10,809
It's so beautiful.
646
00:30:10,809 --> 00:30:12,644
I wish I could have been there.
647
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,116
- I am so sorry.
We only had 2,000 invites.
648
00:30:18,784 --> 00:30:20,586
There were thousands of women
that I could have chose from.
649
00:30:20,586 --> 00:30:22,754
But I'm glad that
I chose to marry Ivana.
650
00:30:22,754 --> 00:30:25,091
It's like my famous Trump Card,
Element of the Deal,
651
00:30:25,091 --> 00:30:26,993
maximize your options.
652
00:30:31,063 --> 00:30:33,365
Gloria: Mr. Trump, sorry
to interrupt your flashback,
653
00:30:33,365 --> 00:30:36,202
but I've got Merv Griffin
on the line for you.
654
00:30:36,202 --> 00:30:38,270
- Okay.
Listen, Ivana.
655
00:30:38,270 --> 00:30:40,739
Time for you to go
because I've got somebody
656
00:30:40,739 --> 00:30:42,441
more important to talk to.
OK?
657
00:30:43,509 --> 00:30:45,411
- I just need to borrow
a couple things.
658
00:30:45,411 --> 00:30:46,979
- Can somebody remove
Ivana from the set,
659
00:30:46,979 --> 00:30:48,080
because she's killing me?
660
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,481
Get her out!
661
00:30:49,481 --> 00:30:51,583
Jesus. Merv?
662
00:30:51,583 --> 00:30:53,385
- I'm in the middle
of a workout right now,
663
00:30:53,385 --> 00:30:56,555
so my heart rate is at
a perfect tempo for negotiating.
664
00:30:56,555 --> 00:30:57,589
Go.
665
00:30:57,589 --> 00:30:59,025
- I've been thinking,
666
00:30:59,025 --> 00:31:00,426
and I'm not sure
I want the Taj Mahal anymore.
667
00:31:00,426 --> 00:31:02,561
- It's a dump, Merv.
668
00:31:02,561 --> 00:31:04,630
If I was you, I would
resort to Jewish lightning,
669
00:31:04,630 --> 00:31:05,998
you know what I mean?
670
00:31:05,998 --> 00:31:07,633
- What about all that
immortality talk?
671
00:31:07,633 --> 00:31:09,535
What was that, all bull
672
00:31:09,535 --> 00:31:12,504
- I don't need
your casino to be immortal.
673
00:31:12,504 --> 00:31:15,207
If I buy it,
I'd be doing you a favor.
674
00:31:15,207 --> 00:31:17,009
- I don't get it.
675
00:31:17,009 --> 00:31:19,845
- Let me put this into terms
you can understand, OK, Merv?
676
00:31:19,845 --> 00:31:21,080
It's Final Jeopardy!
677
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:23,215
and you keep
spinning Lose a Turn.
678
00:31:23,215 --> 00:31:25,851
If you're not careful,
that slut Vanna's going
679
00:31:25,851 --> 00:31:27,419
to turn over an "F" and a "U,"
680
00:31:27,419 --> 00:31:29,421
and you'll miss
the Daily Double.
681
00:31:29,421 --> 00:31:30,889
Trebek my drift?
682
00:31:32,158 --> 00:31:35,827
He's taken everything
I've created,
683
00:31:35,827 --> 00:31:37,930
melted them down
into truth bullets,
684
00:31:37,930 --> 00:31:40,199
fired them into my forehead.
685
00:31:40,199 --> 00:31:42,268
- I like the guy.
You know, I really, really do.
686
00:31:42,268 --> 00:31:44,436
But he's just, he's
acting like he's not
687
00:31:44,436 --> 00:31:46,872
going to die
of prostate cancer in 19 years.
688
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:50,276
- And you, son,
have just witnessed
689
00:31:50,276 --> 00:31:53,079
a key Trump Card in my book,
Protect the Downside.
690
00:31:57,116 --> 00:31:59,251
I attacked his ego
to hide my own downside.
691
00:31:59,251 --> 00:32:04,590
But my very existence depends
on getting the Taj Mahal
692
00:32:04,590 --> 00:32:06,993
at any cost, any cost.
693
00:32:06,993 --> 00:32:08,627
- Hello, Mr. Trump.
694
00:32:08,627 --> 00:32:11,897
I have the new blueprints
for the Taj Mahal.
695
00:32:11,897 --> 00:32:13,332
- New blueprints.
696
00:32:13,332 --> 00:32:15,934
Kid, this is my architect.
697
00:32:15,934 --> 00:32:18,304
- Der Scutt.
698
00:32:18,304 --> 00:32:19,938
You know he's a Nazi?
699
00:32:19,938 --> 00:32:22,708
I-I was born
in Pennsylvania.
700
00:32:22,708 --> 00:32:24,543
Trump: Those kooky Nazis
killed thousands.
701
00:32:24,543 --> 00:32:26,712
- I was five
during World War II.
702
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:30,516
But you don't even own it.
703
00:32:30,516 --> 00:32:33,552
- If you visualize something
not with your eyes,
704
00:32:33,552 --> 00:32:36,255
but with the eyeballs
inside your brain,
705
00:32:36,255 --> 00:32:37,856
it becomes a reality.
706
00:32:37,856 --> 00:32:39,891
And you know what I call it?
707
00:32:39,891 --> 00:32:41,360
I call it "the secret."
708
00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:42,995
- Adolf Hitler
was a terrible man--
709
00:32:42,995 --> 00:32:46,798
Leave him alone.
710
00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:49,168
- I like it.
- All right.
711
00:32:49,168 --> 00:32:53,905
So just make
the whole foundation
712
00:32:53,905 --> 00:32:55,407
"classier."
713
00:32:55,407 --> 00:32:57,109
- These are great changes,
Mr. Trump.
714
00:32:57,109 --> 00:33:01,347
- Hey, do that silly salute
that you know I love so much.
715
00:33:01,347 --> 00:33:02,981
- Oh, please don't make me.
716
00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:04,216
- Please do it again,
just once.
717
00:33:04,216 --> 00:33:05,951
- Oh, come on.
- Come on!
718
00:33:11,790 --> 00:33:13,559
- I'm Japanese.
719
00:33:15,427 --> 00:33:17,196
- New kid in here, please.
720
00:33:17,196 --> 00:33:19,198
- Architecture is cool.
721
00:33:21,433 --> 00:33:24,070
- You and Der Scutt sure make
a great team, Mr. Trump.
722
00:33:24,070 --> 00:33:25,371
- This is how it happens.
723
00:33:25,371 --> 00:33:27,706
I have an idea.
Der draws it up.
724
00:33:27,706 --> 00:33:30,376
I make it better.
It's easy.
725
00:33:30,376 --> 00:33:31,810
You know what
the very first building
726
00:33:31,810 --> 00:33:33,412
we worked together on was?
727
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,148
- The one you're sitting in.
728
00:33:36,148 --> 00:33:38,384
Today, Trump Tower
is universally recognized
729
00:33:38,384 --> 00:33:41,120
as one of the most
erotic buildings on the planet.
730
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:42,988
Am I wrong, or am I right,
or am I wrong?
731
00:33:42,988 --> 00:33:44,323
- You are right.
732
00:33:44,323 --> 00:33:46,958
In fact,
a man was recently arrested
733
00:33:46,958 --> 00:33:48,360
for trying to have sex with it.
734
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,329
- He was crazy in love.
735
00:33:50,329 --> 00:33:55,367
But that irresistible design
did not happen overnight.
736
00:33:55,367 --> 00:33:58,604
Trump: Chapter Six,
the last chapter, OK?
737
00:33:58,604 --> 00:34:00,972
The art of building
the Trump Tower.
738
00:34:05,744 --> 00:34:07,546
Little, mini people?
739
00:34:07,546 --> 00:34:08,914
- Well, this is
just a proof of concept.
740
00:34:08,914 --> 00:34:10,916
- How is anyone going
to know what this is
741
00:34:10,916 --> 00:34:13,319
if we don't have little,
mini people walking around,
742
00:34:13,319 --> 00:34:15,154
drinking little, mini coffees,
743
00:34:15,154 --> 00:34:19,825
having a sensational
mini shopping experience
at our mini Trump Tower?
744
00:34:19,825 --> 00:34:22,594
- I will add mini people.
745
00:34:22,594 --> 00:34:24,263
- Give them all back-stories.
746
00:34:24,263 --> 00:34:25,531
What do they do for a living?
747
00:34:25,531 --> 00:34:27,533
The tiny places
that they're from?
748
00:34:27,533 --> 00:34:29,568
And why are they
visiting Trump Tower?
749
00:34:29,568 --> 00:34:31,303
Huh
750
00:34:31,303 --> 00:34:33,004
- Yes, Mr. Trump.
751
00:34:33,004 --> 00:34:36,342
Trump: Nowadays, everybody
does mini people back-stories.
752
00:34:36,342 --> 00:34:39,578
But back then,
it was unheard of.
753
00:34:39,578 --> 00:34:41,780
- Did I ever tell you
how Trump Tower came to be?
754
00:34:41,780 --> 00:34:44,883
- Should the mini people's cups
be filled with real coffee?
755
00:34:44,883 --> 00:34:47,819
- I had admired the
lot on 57th and 5th
756
00:34:47,819 --> 00:34:50,922
since I was nine months old,
and I remember that vividly.
757
00:34:50,922 --> 00:34:54,960
I had always wanted to do
two things on 5th Avenue--
758
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,095
shoot someone in the middle
of the street
759
00:34:57,095 --> 00:35:00,098
and then watch them die,
and build a skyscraper.
760
00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:03,469
But to make
either dream a reality,
I had to get the lease
761
00:35:03,469 --> 00:35:05,937
to that big, stupid
Bonwit Teller building,
762
00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:07,639
and then tear it down.
763
00:35:07,639 --> 00:35:10,509
The guy in charge of
the property agreed to let me
764
00:35:10,509 --> 00:35:14,146
take over the lease for
a measly 25 million dollars.
765
00:35:14,146 --> 00:35:18,384
But I needed this moron
to sign a letter of intent.
766
00:35:18,384 --> 00:35:20,719
If he found out how
valuable this lot was,
767
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:24,556
he would be able
to sell it to someone else
for a whole lot more.
768
00:35:26,024 --> 00:35:27,793
Oops.
769
00:35:27,793 --> 00:35:30,196
Trump: If he found out
how valuable this lot was,
770
00:35:30,196 --> 00:35:33,599
he'd be able to
sell it to someone else
for a whole lot more.
771
00:35:33,599 --> 00:35:35,334
I couldn't let
that happen.
772
00:35:37,203 --> 00:35:39,638
And now I'm about to meet with
the head of Tiffany's to talk
773
00:35:39,638 --> 00:35:43,609
about buying the air rights
above their building.
774
00:35:43,609 --> 00:35:47,246
Tiffany's is the top luxury
retailer in the world, OK,
775
00:35:47,246 --> 00:35:48,680
but they don't make lamps.
776
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:50,549
That is a totally
different company,
777
00:35:50,549 --> 00:35:52,351
and if I slipped even once
and said something like,
778
00:35:52,351 --> 00:35:54,286
"How's
the lamp business going?"
779
00:35:54,286 --> 00:35:56,488
the whole deal would be over.
780
00:35:56,488 --> 00:36:00,058
- I love your lamps.
- Thank you.
781
00:36:00,058 --> 00:36:03,562
They were given to me as
a gift from Winston Churchill.
782
00:36:03,562 --> 00:36:05,331
Trump:
That was a close call.
783
00:36:05,331 --> 00:36:07,032
- I need those air rights,
Walter.
784
00:36:07,032 --> 00:36:08,567
I need them.
785
00:36:08,567 --> 00:36:11,069
- Heir rights.
- Oh, yes.
786
00:36:11,069 --> 00:36:13,439
- But, Donald, they've been
in the family for generations.
787
00:36:13,439 --> 00:36:19,177
Tiffany herself
got them for her Sweet 16.
788
00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:22,248
- Have a look at this.
789
00:36:22,248 --> 00:36:24,916
This is what I'm going
to have to build
790
00:36:24,916 --> 00:36:27,118
if I don't
get those heir rights.
791
00:36:29,288 --> 00:36:31,223
- Yep. And there
is nothing I can do about that,
792
00:36:31,223 --> 00:36:35,527
because you've got this place
loaded with Mexicans.
793
00:36:35,527 --> 00:36:39,565
Now here is
what I will be able to do
794
00:36:39,565 --> 00:36:42,968
if I do get those
air rights, you see.
795
00:36:45,103 --> 00:36:48,274
Oh, look at this.
796
00:36:48,274 --> 00:36:50,809
Look at all
the little, mini people.
797
00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:56,181
What's this one doing?
798
00:36:56,181 --> 00:36:58,650
Der: Well, he's a dentist
who got off work early.
799
00:36:58,650 --> 00:37:01,219
He's shopping
for his wife's 50th birthday.
800
00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:02,888
And this one?
801
00:37:02,888 --> 00:37:05,491
Der:
Oh, she's visiting from Houston.
802
00:37:05,491 --> 00:37:07,859
Her dad just died from advanced
Hodgkin's lymphoma,
803
00:37:07,859 --> 00:37:09,895
but he left
her a little money
804
00:37:09,895 --> 00:37:10,996
to do some traveling.
805
00:37:10,996 --> 00:37:13,932
- That's lovely.
What about this one?
806
00:37:13,932 --> 00:37:17,903
That is a dog-walker who just
got reunited with her twin.
807
00:37:17,903 --> 00:37:19,571
- That's wonderful.
808
00:37:19,571 --> 00:37:21,172
- So what do you lamp,
Mr. Hoving?
809
00:37:21,172 --> 00:37:22,441
Do we have a lamp?
810
00:37:22,441 --> 00:37:26,845
- Yes, young man.
Yes, we do.
811
00:37:26,845 --> 00:37:29,014
Trump: And with that handshake,
I was on my way
812
00:37:29,014 --> 00:37:33,319
to securing deal after deal
after deal after deal
813
00:37:33,319 --> 00:37:34,886
after lamp,
814
00:37:34,886 --> 00:37:36,422
after deal, after deal,
815
00:37:36,422 --> 00:37:38,790
after deal, after deal,
after deal, after deal,
816
00:37:38,790 --> 00:37:42,127
just to make Trump Tower
a reality.
817
00:37:42,127 --> 00:37:46,532
But I had yet to face
our most fearsome foes,
818
00:37:46,532 --> 00:37:49,267
the New York City Zoning Board.
819
00:37:51,603 --> 00:37:54,606
They met in secret and
made all zoning decisions
820
00:37:54,606 --> 00:37:56,608
based on ancient
blood rituals.
821
00:37:56,608 --> 00:37:58,344
But I knew they would
approve my request.
822
00:37:58,344 --> 00:38:01,680
I mean,
we added little cars.
823
00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:04,115
So now I had
approval to tear down
824
00:38:04,115 --> 00:38:07,986
this petrified piece of
doggy doo-doo, so I could
build my master penis.
825
00:38:07,986 --> 00:38:10,856
But in real estate,
nothing is ever easy.
826
00:38:10,856 --> 00:38:13,359
- Smash everything.
- No! Stop!
827
00:38:13,359 --> 00:38:14,893
Stop the demolition!
828
00:38:14,893 --> 00:38:17,729
- We're from the Metropolitan
Museum of Art,
829
00:38:17,729 --> 00:38:22,734
and those friezes are priceless
examples of art deco sculpture.
830
00:38:22,734 --> 00:38:24,436
- They don't look
very priceless to me.
831
00:38:24,436 --> 00:38:26,505
- Well, I assure you
they are, Mr. Trump.
832
00:38:26,505 --> 00:38:28,173
And they need to be preserved.
833
00:38:28,173 --> 00:38:30,809
- Why didn't you people
mention this earlier?
834
00:38:32,744 --> 00:38:35,747
- Well, I was in Italy
all summer, giving a lecture
835
00:38:35,747 --> 00:38:38,016
on pornographic medieval art.
836
00:38:38,016 --> 00:38:39,885
- And I am timid.
837
00:38:39,885 --> 00:38:43,955
- Just remove and donate
the friezes to the museum,
838
00:38:43,955 --> 00:38:45,857
no matter the cost.
839
00:38:45,857 --> 00:38:49,428
Now if you'll excuse us, we need
to go misuse taxpayer dollars
840
00:38:49,428 --> 00:38:50,962
and have affairs
with our interns.
841
00:38:50,962 --> 00:38:53,198
Trump: Those friezes turned
out to be heavier
842
00:38:53,198 --> 00:38:55,934
than that fat cow
Rosie O'Donnell
on Thanksgiving.
843
00:38:55,934 --> 00:38:58,103
And the cost
of removing them would have
844
00:38:58,103 --> 00:39:00,672
been
fantastically astronomical.
845
00:39:00,672 --> 00:39:02,441
- All right, smash it.
846
00:39:10,281 --> 00:39:13,819
Which is yet another Trump Card
Element of the Deal
847
00:39:13,819 --> 00:39:16,588
from my book,
improve your location.
848
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:23,028
I smashed the friezes,
and in turn, the liberal media
849
00:39:23,028 --> 00:39:24,463
smashed me.
850
00:39:24,463 --> 00:39:29,435
They turned me into some kind
of art-smashing rich guy.
851
00:39:29,435 --> 00:39:30,969
So they want to see class?
852
00:39:30,969 --> 00:39:35,073
Der, I want you to slather
every square inch
853
00:39:35,073 --> 00:39:36,708
of Trump Tower in brass.
854
00:39:36,708 --> 00:39:39,177
- Mr. Trump,
if we add any more,
855
00:39:39,177 --> 00:39:42,514
we will be an uncharted
territories of classiness.
856
00:39:42,514 --> 00:39:44,850
It could destroy the whole city.
857
00:39:44,850 --> 00:39:47,453
I thought you Nazis were
good at following orders.
858
00:39:47,453 --> 00:39:50,055
Go do it!
859
00:39:50,055 --> 00:39:52,390
- No building has more brass
than the Trump Tower.
860
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:56,628
It costs $14 million a year
just to clean the thumbprints.
861
00:39:56,628 --> 00:39:59,698
- The only thing
with more brass is my balls.
862
00:39:59,698 --> 00:40:01,299
- You're my hero, Mr. Trump.
863
00:40:01,299 --> 00:40:02,934
It sounds like you got
everything you ever wanted.
864
00:40:02,934 --> 00:40:04,736
- You know, I've ruined lives.
865
00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:06,638
I've destroyed careers.
866
00:40:06,638 --> 00:40:08,807
I've blown up landmarks
to get what I want.
867
00:40:08,807 --> 00:40:11,076
And yet, I'm always
left feeling empty.
868
00:40:11,076 --> 00:40:14,345
Boy: Maybe you're so obsessed
with proving to other people
869
00:40:14,345 --> 00:40:17,148
that you're the best, you
haven't proved it to yourself.
870
00:40:17,148 --> 00:40:20,085
Maybe there's a hole inside that
can't be filled with buildings.
871
00:40:20,085 --> 00:40:24,089
Maybe it can only be filled
with humility and love.
872
00:40:24,089 --> 00:40:27,092
Nah, I just need the Taj Mahal,
because without it,
873
00:40:27,092 --> 00:40:28,894
I have no legacy. See?
874
00:40:28,894 --> 00:40:31,830
- Well, you left a legacy
with me, Mr. Trump.
875
00:40:33,398 --> 00:40:36,234
- I learned to think big,
fight for what I believe in.
876
00:40:36,234 --> 00:40:40,171
I learned to follow my dreams,
don't do drugs,
877
00:40:40,171 --> 00:40:46,011
use plenty of brass, marry rich,
hire a good lawyer,
878
00:40:46,011 --> 00:40:48,046
rap what I know,
879
00:40:48,046 --> 00:40:50,381
always be loyal,
and most importantly--
880
00:40:50,381 --> 00:40:54,019
- Always phrase your answer
in the form of a question.
881
00:40:54,019 --> 00:40:56,655
- How is everyone
getting in here?
882
00:40:56,655 --> 00:41:00,025
Oh, this is a masterpiece.
883
00:41:00,025 --> 00:41:01,292
- Duh.
884
00:41:01,292 --> 00:41:03,194
- There comes a time
in everyone's life
885
00:41:03,194 --> 00:41:06,197
where he has to decide whether
to shit or get off the pot.
886
00:41:06,197 --> 00:41:07,899
Well, that happened to me.
887
00:41:07,899 --> 00:41:12,838
I was on the toilet for 12 hours
today waiting for my gardener
888
00:41:12,838 --> 00:41:14,906
to come and rescue me.
889
00:41:14,906 --> 00:41:18,176
And during that time,
I read this entire book.
890
00:41:18,176 --> 00:41:20,011
- You know,
it's very well written.
891
00:41:20,011 --> 00:41:21,146
It really is.
892
00:41:21,146 --> 00:41:22,681
- There's no way, though,
that I can
893
00:41:22,681 --> 00:41:24,716
top what you've accomplished.
894
00:41:24,716 --> 00:41:26,251
You're the best of the best.
895
00:41:26,251 --> 00:41:29,087
It's time for me
to get off the pot.
896
00:41:29,087 --> 00:41:34,526
What I'm trying to say is
the Taj Mahal is yours.
897
00:41:36,828 --> 00:41:40,065
- That is what you call
the art of the deal.
898
00:41:40,065 --> 00:41:41,232
Shake on it.
899
00:41:41,232 --> 00:41:42,433
- No.
900
00:41:42,433 --> 00:41:46,337
But I will eat cake to it.
901
00:41:49,207 --> 00:41:52,711
- You know, I almost forgot
the most important lesson
902
00:41:52,711 --> 00:41:53,845
from my book.
903
00:41:53,845 --> 00:41:55,614
Get out of my way, blondie.
904
00:41:55,614 --> 00:41:59,985
Have fun! Have fun!
Right
905
00:42:13,198 --> 00:42:14,700
- Stop!
906
00:42:14,700 --> 00:42:16,334
Don't blow out those candles.
907
00:42:16,334 --> 00:42:18,604
It'll set off a chain
of events that ends
908
00:42:18,604 --> 00:42:21,640
with you becoming president.
909
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:22,741
- That's ridiculous.
910
00:42:22,741 --> 00:42:23,942
- It's not ridiculous.
911
00:42:23,942 --> 00:42:25,543
It's catastrophic.
912
00:42:25,543 --> 00:42:28,780
I've come all the way
from the year 2016 to stop it.
913
00:42:28,780 --> 00:42:30,548
- Hey, buddy, why don't
you just sit down,
914
00:42:30,548 --> 00:42:33,018
we could have some cake,
and we could talk about this?
915
00:42:33,018 --> 00:42:38,223
- I'm going to take you back
to the future to stop this.
916
00:42:38,223 --> 00:42:39,758
Come on!
917
00:42:39,758 --> 00:42:41,559
The DeLorean is
double-parked out front.
918
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:43,494
- Look. He's disappearing.
919
00:42:43,494 --> 00:42:45,797
Not again.
920
00:42:45,797 --> 00:42:48,867
- Trump: I already traveled
back in time to kill
921
00:42:48,867 --> 00:42:51,269
Christopher Lloyd
so he would never star
922
00:42:51,269 --> 00:42:52,704
in "Back to the Future."
923
00:42:52,704 --> 00:42:55,540
- And it was a pain
in the ass too.
924
00:42:57,643 --> 00:42:59,544
- Please call me President Me.
925
00:42:59,544 --> 00:43:00,712
- You haven't aged a day.
926
00:43:00,712 --> 00:43:02,513
You look sensational, really.
927
00:43:02,513 --> 00:43:05,550
- Check this.
Nuclear codes.
928
00:43:05,550 --> 00:43:07,018
Cool, huh?
- Boy: Sweet.
929
00:43:07,018 --> 00:43:08,920
- You can demolish a lot
of buildings with that.
930
00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,690
I gotta say, this has been
the most sensational
931
00:43:11,690 --> 00:43:14,459
40th birthday party
I've ever had.
932
00:43:14,459 --> 00:43:17,729
- I got a meeting with Interior
Secretary Carmen Electra,
933
00:43:17,729 --> 00:43:20,231
so I'm outie five thousie.
934
00:43:20,231 --> 00:43:22,300
They say that in the future.
They do.
935
00:43:22,300 --> 00:43:23,735
Oh, yeah, listen.
936
00:43:23,735 --> 00:43:26,638
Get @DonaldTrump on Twitter
as soon as it's invented.
937
00:43:26,638 --> 00:43:28,874
Otherwise you'll be stuck
with, like, you know,
938
00:43:28,874 --> 00:43:30,909
@realDonaldTrump.
939
00:43:30,909 --> 00:43:32,644
You'll hate it. Trust me.
940
00:43:43,722 --> 00:43:45,190
- All right, kid, come on.
941
00:43:45,190 --> 00:43:46,692
Let's blow out these candles.
Let's go.
942
00:43:46,692 --> 00:43:48,226
Ready?
943
00:43:55,300 --> 00:43:57,969
- I'm not Mr. Trump.
944
00:44:00,605 --> 00:44:02,841
I'm Donald Trump.
945
00:44:02,841 --> 00:44:06,444
- Oh, we must have switched
bodies when we blew out
946
00:44:06,444 --> 00:44:07,813
the candles together.
947
00:44:07,813 --> 00:44:09,447
- I love this genre.
948
00:44:09,447 --> 00:44:13,719
I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful movie franchise.
949
00:44:13,719 --> 00:44:15,854
It's gonna be huge.
950
00:44:47,152 --> 00:44:50,288
- Hi, folks.
It's me, Donald Trump.
951
00:44:50,288 --> 00:44:51,890
You're welcome.
952
00:44:51,890 --> 00:44:53,558
Look, if you're
not a moronic loser,
953
00:44:53,558 --> 00:44:55,693
you probably picked up on
the movie's hidden message,
954
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:58,897
you know, which is that life is
a series of deals, big deals,
955
00:44:58,897 --> 00:45:00,832
little deals,
really, really big deals.
956
00:45:00,832 --> 00:45:02,768
And the key to any deal is what?
To win.
957
00:45:02,768 --> 00:45:05,403
It doesn't even matter what
you win, as long as you win it.
958
00:45:05,403 --> 00:45:08,639
You just have to fuck the other
party in their stupid pig-face
959
00:45:08,639 --> 00:45:11,576
as hard as you can because the
only thing that matters is you.
960
00:45:11,576 --> 00:45:14,479
And by you, I mean me.
961
00:45:14,479 --> 00:45:16,614
So fuck you.
962
00:45:16,614 --> 00:45:18,483
Fuck foreigners.
963
00:45:18,483 --> 00:45:20,118
Fuck dogs. Fuck cats.
964
00:45:20,118 --> 00:45:22,921
Fuck those transforming robots,
whatever, they turn into cars.
965
00:45:22,921 --> 00:45:25,957
By the way, I came up
with that idea first, OK?
966
00:45:25,957 --> 00:45:27,358
I called them Changey-bots.
967
00:45:27,358 --> 00:45:30,428
And let me preemptively
give another finger
968
00:45:30,428 --> 00:45:33,298
to later critics,
who are going to hate this movie
969
00:45:33,298 --> 00:45:35,266
because they didn't have
the balls to make it,
970
00:45:35,266 --> 00:45:38,436
and because they're not me,
and because I am the best,
971
00:45:38,436 --> 00:45:41,039
and I really,
I really don't want to die,
972
00:45:41,039 --> 00:45:45,576
but you know what, that's OK,
because I won't,
973
00:45:45,576 --> 00:45:48,613
ever.
974
00:45:48,613 --> 00:45:50,048
Cut.
975
00:45:51,482 --> 00:45:53,751
Hello, it's Gloria.
976
00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:55,720
I'd like to go home.
977
00:45:55,720 --> 00:46:00,291
* The Art of the Deal
978
00:46:13,571 --> 00:46:17,408
- * Some guys write poems
with beautiful words *
979
00:46:17,408 --> 00:46:20,846
* Some guys sing songs
about flowers and birds *
980
00:46:20,846 --> 00:46:23,381
* But that ain't
who I am *
981
00:46:23,381 --> 00:46:26,551
* That kind of crap
ain't me *
982
00:46:26,551 --> 00:46:28,954
* Oh, no
983
00:46:28,954 --> 00:46:31,789
* Some guys do sculpture
in plastic and steel *
984
00:46:31,789 --> 00:46:35,593
* Some losers paint paintings,
abstract and surreal *
985
00:46:35,593 --> 00:46:37,295
* But I don't get it *
986
00:46:37,295 --> 00:46:41,466
* That kind of crap
ain't me *
987
00:46:41,466 --> 00:46:43,334
* Can't you see *
988
00:46:43,334 --> 00:46:45,270
* Oh
989
00:46:45,270 --> 00:46:49,841
* The only art I've
ever been able to feel *
990
00:46:53,011 --> 00:46:56,481
* Is the only art
that matters *
991
00:46:56,481 --> 00:46:59,184
* The Art of the Deal
992
00:47:03,855 --> 00:47:06,557
* The Art of the Deal
993
00:47:12,697 --> 00:47:16,067
* There's nothin' better
or quite as sublime *
994
00:47:16,067 --> 00:47:19,737
* As signin' your name
on the dotted line *
995
00:47:19,737 --> 00:47:23,674
* That's all the beauty
I need in my life *
996
00:47:23,674 --> 00:47:27,478
* That and a big titty
Eastern Bloc wife *
997
00:47:27,478 --> 00:47:29,480
* Oh
998
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:33,985
* The only art
I've ever been able to feel *
999
00:47:37,588 --> 00:47:41,559
* The only art
that gets me off *
1000
00:47:41,559 --> 00:47:43,261
* Is the deal
1001
00:47:43,261 --> 00:47:47,198
* Some people make TV
shows like "Golden Girls" *
1002
00:47:47,198 --> 00:47:50,268
* Or "Different Strokes"
1003
00:47:50,268 --> 00:47:52,637
* Some people make
"We Are the Worlds" *
1004
00:47:52,637 --> 00:47:56,841
* And give American money
to some African folks *
1005
00:47:56,841 --> 00:47:59,177
- * But that ain't me *
1006
00:47:59,177 --> 00:48:01,046
- * I'm on my own *
1007
00:48:01,046 --> 00:48:02,280
- * That ain't me *
1008
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:04,349
- * I shall over-comb
1009
00:48:04,349 --> 00:48:07,752
* That ain't the man
you see shakin' your hand *
1010
00:48:07,752 --> 00:48:10,421
* And oh
1011
00:48:10,421 --> 00:48:14,425
* The only art that matters
ain't Picasso or Pollock *
1012
00:48:14,425 --> 00:48:18,229
* Ain't Warhol, Van Gogh,
Rothko *
1013
00:48:18,229 --> 00:48:22,934
* Dali, Mondrian,
or Ron Popeil *
1014
00:48:24,936 --> 00:48:30,241
* The only art that matters is
the one that makes me squeal *
1015
00:48:32,343 --> 00:48:36,014
* So forget
those other losers *
1016
00:48:36,014 --> 00:48:38,649
* It's the Art of the Deal *
1017
00:48:40,118 --> 00:48:42,587
* The Art of the Deal
1018
00:48:43,688 --> 00:48:46,291
* The Art of the Deal
1019
00:48:47,225 --> 00:48:50,461
* The Art of the Deal
1020
00:48:57,802 --> 00:48:59,537
- Wow.
1021
00:48:59,537 --> 00:49:03,941
That was...awful.
1022
00:49:03,941 --> 00:49:05,776
I mean, hauntingly bad.
1023
00:49:05,776 --> 00:49:08,813
It kind of makes me want
to rethink my passion
for filmmaking.
1024
00:49:08,813 --> 00:49:11,216
You know, we should probably
just pretend that this film
1025
00:49:11,216 --> 00:49:15,086
and, in fact, Donald Trump
never even existed.
1026
00:49:15,086 --> 00:49:17,922
I am so sorry.
1027
00:49:28,033 --> 00:49:30,135
I messed up Jenny
for nothing.
72475