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Man: DO THE BIG--BIG ONES.

DO THE BIG CIRCLES. YOU WANT THE BIG CIRCLES?

DO THE BIG CIRCLES.

BIG RIBBON, BIG RIBBON.

DO THE TINY ONES. THE TINY--THE TEENY ONES.

[LAUGHS] JUST LIKE THIS, JUST FOR YOU?

YEAH, THEY LOOK LIKE SNAKES.

I LIKE THE TINY ONES BETTER, I THINK.

THEY'RE SO PETITE.

DO THE--THE SICK TURTLE.

[WHIMPERS] WHY IS HE SICK?

'CAUSE HE LIVES IN THIS HOUSE.

Woman: WELL, THE HOUSE WE LIVE IN NOW, IT'S FINE,

BUT IT HAS A HISTORY.

I'VE LIVED HERE FOR NINE MONTHS.

AND I'VE LIVED HERE FOR SIX YEARS.

WHY WAS HE HERE WITHOUT ME FOR SIX YEARS, YOU MIGHT ASK.

BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED TO ANOTHER WOMAN BEFORE HE MET ME.

WHICH IS PART OF THE REASON

WE'RE LOOKING TO MOVE.

Woman: PICTURE FRAMES?

ANYONE INTERESTED IN BUYING PICTURES TODAY?

HI, GUYS. HOW ARE YOU GUYS?

WE'VE ACTUALLY GOT A SPECIAL TODAY.

EVERYTHING IS HALF PRICE IF YOU TAKE THESE FOUR FRAMES.

Man: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

OH, THAT'S MY EX-WIFE.

YOU CAN--

Dawn: TOM AND I MET...

WE WERE INTRODUCED BY FATE.

IT'S NOT A PERSON.

IT WAS A YEAR AND A HALF OF, UH,

OF DAWN JUST SORT OF POPPING UP IN MY LIFE IN RANDOM PLACES.

SHE'S, I GUESS, I--

WE'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT IT'S--

YOU'VE ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT IT WAS MORE OF A WOOING.

MY WIFE SAID IT WAS A STALKING.

AND I FELT LIKE IT WAS AN HONOR.

EVERYTHING FOR FREE, YEAH, TAKE THE PICTURES.

OK. THANK YOU. GREAT.

WHEN LOVE IS WHAT YOU ARE AFTER,

THERE'S NOTHING THAT'S TOO BIG.

I SET HIS LAWN ON FIRE.

SHE SET MY WHOLE LAWN ON FIRE.

THIS IS THE JAGUAR S-TYPE.

4.2 LITER, 390 HORSEPOWER, SUPERCHARGED V8.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

WO-HO-HO! WOW.

CHUKKA-CHUKKAH! [LAUGHS]

OH. OH. [PURRS]

BE CAREFUL, SWEETHEART. I'M GOOD.

WELL, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR THREE MONTHS NOW.

WE'RE NEWLYWEDS. YEAH.

AND WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER-- HOW LONG? SIX YEARS. YEAH.

UH, YEAH, SIX YEARS, UH, NEXT MONTH.

ACTUALLY, UH, WE MET IN LAW SCHOOL.

YEAH, WE MET IN LAW SCHOOL.

I'LL LOWER IT A LITTLE BIT. FOR THIS PRICE...

YOU CAN TAKE THIS CAR RIGHT NOW.

WOW. YEAH.

THAT'S ACTUALLY A VERY FAIR PRICE THERE.

WHAT?

WE'RE ATTORNEYS. MM-HM.

I'M A LITIGATING ATTORNEY AND...BOBBY?

AND I--I BASICALLY CRUNCH NUMBERS.

DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OUT A CALCULATOR AND CHECK YOUR MATH,

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE PATTING YOUR PROFIT.

I'M NOT STUPID!

ALRIGHT? SO...

Bobby: SHE'S A JUNIOR PARTNER IN A LAW FIRM.

JUST MADE JUNIOR. I JUST GOT A PROMOTION.

SHE IS, UH, UNSTOPPABLE. [* RAP ON STEREO]

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE, YOU KNOW,

CLASS REUNION AND SHOW UP WITH...ON MY ARM.

I MEAN... [GIGGLES]

YEAH.

I GUESS I WAS A GEEK IN SCHOOL.

I HAD A BAD FLATTOP. UM...

THEY--THEY CALLED IT A STOVE TOP,

'CAUSE IT WASN'T, YOU KNOW,

IT WASN'T FULLY FORMED. [MUMBLING]

BUT, UM...

THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. NOW WE'RE HERE.

NOW WE'RE HERE. YEAH.

Man: UH, WHAT DO YOU DO TO ME WHEN WE DRIVE?

Woman: NAG? Man: BING!

OK. GEORGE THE NEIGHBOR?

DRUNK. BING.

Woman: WELL, WE'RE VERY PROUD OF THE FAMILY TIME THAT WE...

WE SPEND TOGETHER.

VERY IMPORTANT. THIS IS--WELL, IT'S KEY.

I MEAN, I THINK YOU CAN TELL JUST FROM TALK--I MEAN,

THAT IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO US, IS FAMILY.

THIS IS WHEN, UNFORTUNATELY, YOU GOTTA TAKE OFF A LIMB.

AMPUTATE!

OUR FAVORITE GAME IS TABOO. YOU--YOU GIVE CLUES TO WORDS--

Man: YEAH. BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORD

AND YOU CAN'T ACT IT OUT.

NO, IT'S LIKE--LIKE THAT TV SHOW.

YOU KNOW, WHERE THE STARS TELL THE NON STARS,

THEY GIVE CLUES AND THEN THEY

COME UP WITH THE ANSWERS. IT'S SO GREAT.

ALL THE BEST...

BUT CERTAIN WORDS, YOU CAN NOT SAY. ...GAMESHOWS INVOLVE WORDS.

IF YOU SAY THOSE WORDS, IT'S...TABOO!

TABOO.

* THE WATER IS WIDE

* I CANNOT CROSS O'ER

* NEITHER HAVE I

* THE WINGS TO FLY

THIS IS--THIS IS THE SONG THAT DAWN SANG

THE NIGHT THAT SHE LIT THE YARD ON FIRE.

SHE WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FIRE SINGING THIS.

* GIVE ME A BOAT

* THAT CAN CARRY TWO

* AND BOTH SHALL CROSS

* MY LOVE AND I

DO YOU HEAR IT? DO YOU HEAR WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN?

I DIDN'T HAVE A BOAT THOUGH,

I KINDA HAD TO RUN THROUGH THE FIRE.

ENSHRINE THIS FOR POSTERITY! OH, LOOK AT THAT!

A SEVEN.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

Man: I'M AN ACCOUNTANT.

Woman: VERY GOOD ONE.

VERY GOOD ACCOUNTANT. THANK YOU.

I'M A SENIOR ACCOUNTANT.

BUT THE THING IS, IS THAT I WORK DOWNTOWN.

AND THAT'S ABOUT AN HOUR FROM HERE EACH WAY EVERY DAY.

AND THAT'S PART OF WHY WE WANNA MOVE, BECAUSE YOU KNOW,

THIS IS CRITICAL TIME

THAT I WANNA SPEND WITH MY FAMILY,

INSTEAD OF OUT ON A FREEWAY EVERY DAY.

YEAH. HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

LOOK, THE PICTURES OF THE REALTORS

ARE BIGGER THAN THE PICTURES OF THE HOMES.

OH, MY GOSH.

WHAT IS SHE TRYING OUT FOR? MISS TEXAS? RIDICULOUS.

Man: THE OTHER THING IS, OF COURSE, THAT, UM,

WE ENDED UP HAVING OUR HOUSE APPRAISED RECENTLY.

THIS HOUSE IS WORTH $575,000.

ISN'T THAT A SCREAM?

I DID--I WAS UCH. I JUST WENT THROUGH--I WAS CRAZY.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER. I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I MEAN A HALF A MILLION DOLLARS. YEAH.

A HALF A MILLION. FOR THIS HOUSE?

WE PAID 77. SO.

WHEN WE MOVED IN. AND THAT'S IT.

A HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.

IT'S AMAZING TO ME.

ANYWAY, SO WE'RE CASHING OUT. THAT'S--

AND WE DIDN'T EVEN PUT THAT MUCH WORK INTO IT.

YOU NEVER TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

POINT OF ORDER. THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY ACCURATE.

MAY I INTERJECT? PROCEED.

Tamika: WELL, THE--THE PLACE WE'RE IN NOW,

IT'S A 2 BEDROOM, 1 BATH.

AND, UH, WE WANNA DO MORE WITH THE PLACE BUT, YOU KNOW,

WE CAN'T, 'CAUSE WE RENT AND...

Bobby: DON'T LOOK AT THAT, THERE--THERE'S PORN.

BUT NOW THAT WE'RE MARRIED, YOU KNOW, WE WANT A--WE WANT A HOME.

WE WANNA, YOU KNOW, PLANT OUR ROOTS.

WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE? OOH, THAT ONE HAS A POOL.

I CAN'T SWIM. OH.

Bobby: AND WE'VE LONG HAD THE, YOU KNOW, FINANCIAL MEANS

TO MOVE OUT OF...

OH, YEAH, YEAH. ...OUT OF HERE.

WE JUST, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE,

YOU KNOW, WE BOTH WORK WEEKENDS AND..

TIME AND... YEAH.

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW I'D LOVE ANOTHER BATHROOM.

I'D LOVE MY OWN BATHROOM. ME TOO.

DID YOU GET TOOTHPASTE ON ME?

NO. HONEY.

Bobby: I HAVEN'T HAD A BATH IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.

LET'S PUT IT THAT WAY. I MEAN, 'CAUSE I'M TOO TALL.

HE SHOWERS, IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, LIKE A BATH, BATH.

I'M A CLEAN GUY, IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, I'M...

ALL CRUNCHED IN THERE AND...BATHING IN MY OWN FILTH.

BUT EITHER WAY, I MEAN, WE'D LOVE SOME MORE COUNTER SPACE

AND WE'D LOVE, YOU KNOW,

I'D LOVE A... HUGE REFRIGERATOR,

AND, UH, THEN OUR MAID, MARDU, NEEDS A LOT MORE ROOM TO COOK.

HEY... OH.

THANK YOU, MARDU, THIS LOOKS GREAT. IT LOOKS AMAZING.

WOW. DID YOU FIND...?

NO, IT JUST SAYS WOW.

WHEN LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME,

THERE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE OBSTACLES.

RIGHT. AND AS A LIFE COACH--

THAT'S WHAT I DO--UM, YOU'RE-- I'M PREPARED FOR OBSTACLES.

ANY TIME YOU WANT SOMETHING, THERE WILL BE OBSTACLES.

MAYBE YOUR HUSBAND IS MARRIED.

MAYBE SOMEONE'S LIVING IN YOUR HOME RIGHT NOW,

BUT I KNOW IT'S MY HOME. WHEN WE FIND OUR HOUSE,

WE'LL KNOW IT'S OURS.

HIGH FIVE. THAT'S RIGHT, SWEETIE.

HOME MEANS SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL TO US.

IT'S UM... MM-HM.

...IT'S NOT JUST A PLACE WHERE YOU MAKE FOOD.

NO, IT'S A STATE OF MIND. IT IS.

HOME IS A STATE OF MIND. I MEAN--

WELL, IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO LEAVE THIS.

[TEARFUL] WE HAD...

MARKERS ON THE WALLS WHERE CARRIE'S GROWN AND--

AND ALL THE PETS. I MEAN, WE HAVE PETS...

IN THE BACKYARD, BURIED, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

THEY'RE VERY IMPORTANT TO CARRIE THAT THEY'RE HERE WITH US.

YOU KNOW, IT--

IT'S BEEN A GREAT HOME AND, YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE SO MANY MEMORIES

AND SO MUCH LIFE IN HERE BUT...

IT'S PART OF A NEW ADVENTURE NOW.

IT'S THE START OF A NEW CHAPTER.

YOU HAVE TO EMBRACE CHANGE. AND IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

YEAH. IT'S GONNA BE JUST GREAT, HONEY.

YEAH, IT WILL. IT'S TIME FOR SOMEBODY ELSE TO...

BURY THEIR OWN PETS IN THE BACKYARD. OH, SHHH.

[GASPS] GET IN HERE. OK.

GET IN HERE. HELLO. OK, HI.

FIND THE PLACE OK? YES, YEAH.

HELLO, HILLARY. GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

AS A PROFESSIONAL REAL ESTATE AGENT,

IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT FOR MY HOUSE TO BE

A REFLECTION OF WHO I AM AS A PERSON.

AND I REALLY FEEL THAT I'VE CAPTURED THAT HERE.

WELCOME TO MY SANCTUARY, BY THE WAY.

UM...I AM A VERY CULTURALLY AWARE PERSON.

I DON'T GET TO DO A LOT OF TRAVELLING BUT I DO HAVE CABLE.

I'M ALWAYS WORKING,

SO, UM, I LIKE TO KIND OF SURROUND MYSELF

WITH DIFFERENT LITTLE ARTEFACTS AND THINGS FROM OTHER PLACES

TO REMIND MYSELF THAT, HEY, I'M PART OF THE WORLD.

I LIKE TO TAKE A SUBMISSIVE POSTURE WITH MY CLIENTS,

SO THAT YOU ARE AWARE THAT I AM AWARE THAT I AM YOUR SLAVE.

I WORK FOR YOU.

THIS HERE IS KIND OF MY LITTLE MEDITATION AREA.

I HAVE MY INCENSE HERE WHERE I CLEANSE...UM...

MY--MY SPIRIT BEFORE I PRAY AND REFLECT AND ALL THAT CRAP,

AND THEN I HAVE, UH, MY TWO GRIFFINS HERE.

MY WELSH GRIFFINS, AND UM...

MY MOROCCAN LANTERNS--ALL MADE IN TAIWAN AS IT TURNS OUT,

BUT THANK GOD FOR PIER ONE IMPORTS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I BOUGHT THIS AT A FLEA MARKET IN GERMANY,

AND THIS IS A WORLD WAR II ERA CIGARETTE LIGHTER.

UH, I NO LONGER SMOKE,

BUT I LIKE TO KEEP THIS AROUND, BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME

OF WHERE WE'VE BEEN.

AND WHERE WE DO NOT WANNA GO BACK TO.

OK? I WILL GO ON RECORD AS SAYING THAT THE holocaust

WAS A BIG, EMBARRASSING MISTAKE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M WORKING FOR YOU.

I WANT TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR TODAY?

ALRIGHT. OK.

DREAM-MAKER. EXACTLY.

WE WANT A... A LOFT.

A LOFT. YES.

IN DOWNTOWN. DOWNTOWN.

CLOSE TO ALL SPORTING EVENTS? BASKETBALL?

ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

BASKETBALL? OK. BASKETBALL.

WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT. I--

Hillary: I'M A REAL ESTATE AGENT!

AND WITH MY MONEY I DO GOOD THINGS AND GOOD WORKS

AND I WILL GO INTO THE GHETTO

AND I WILL START A MUSIC PROGRAM.

[GRUNTS]

TOXIC CLIENTS, STAY AWAY FROM ME.

* WE'RE PASSING INSPECTION AND WE'RE DOING IT QUICKLY *

WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS

TAKE IT UP TO 10 OVER BY THE MIRROR

AND THEN I TAKE IT DOWN TO ZERO HERE,

AND THAT PUTS ME IN A NEUTRAL SPACE AT 5.

I'M VERY IN TUNE WITH YOU TWO.

YEAH? GOOD. WELL, THAT'S GREAT NEWS.

YEAH, AND I THINK WE ARE NOT GONNA WASTE ANY MORE TIME.

ALRIGHT? LET'S JUST LOOK AT SOME PROPERTIES. LET'S JUMP RIGHT IN.

GREAT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN THAT FOLDER THERE? ARE YOU--

UM...PAPERS.

Tamika: ARE THOSE-- IT'S NOT FOR YOU.

I JUST TALKED TO YOU, SO I WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING.

BUT I WILL HAVE ONE OF THESE FOR YOU, WITH YOUR NAMES ON IT...

Tamika: GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.

...THAT'S JUST FOR YOU. OK? LET'S DO IT.

HERE IT IS--R23.

Dawn: OUR SECOND HOME.

TOM AND I HAD TO GO AHEAD AND GET A STORAGE UNIT

BECAUSE OUR CURRENT HOME

IS TOO SMALL.

AND UNFORTUNATELY THAT MEANT ME PUTTING EVERYTHING I OWN,

ALL MY EARTHLY BELONGINGS, INTO ONE SPACE

THAT WE PAY $200 A MONTH FOR.

NOW, THAT'S $200 THAT COULD BE SPENT ON A MORTGAGE.

I FEEL LIKE LANCE ARMSTRONG.

YOU LOOK LIKE LANCE ARMSTRONG AND I'M SHERYL CROW.

I MEAN, ASIDE FROM ALL MY EARTHLY BELONGINGS,

WE HAVE OUR PETS IN STORAGE RIGHT NOW.

MY DOGS ARE IN STORAGE AND THAT'S NO WAY TO LIVE.

IN OUR NEW HOME, YOU'RE GONNA RUN FREE, ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

THEY'RE GONNA RUN FREE, WE'RE GONNA GET A BIG LAWN, UM...

I CAN DANCE AND THEY CAN DANCE AROUND ME.

THAT'S MY REAL DREAM.

MAX.

IS HE RESPONDING? NO.

HIS PUPILS AREN'T CHANGING.

I THINK THEY'RE BLIND.

MAX, CAN YOU SEE ME?

Woman: IT'S A GREAT DAY AT JACOBSON'S REAL ESTATE,

THIS IS FIONA. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

CAN YOU PLEASE HOLD?

Man: I LIKE TO THINK THERE ARE THREE RULES FOR SELLING HOUSES,

SECRETS IF YOU WILL.

I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T EVEN BE MENTIONING THEM,

BUT WHAT THE HEY.

NUMBER ONE--YOU'RE NEVER REALLY SELLING ANYTHING.

IN MY MIND, I'M MATCHING JUST PEOPLE WITH SITUATIONS.

YOU KNOW? BECAUSE IF YOU'RE IN IT FOR THE SELLING PART,

OR THE, YOU KNOW, THE "MONEY" PART,

HEY, I THINK YOU'RE IN IT FOR THE WRONG REASON.

NUMBER TWO, LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.

NOW, CLICHÉ, YES, AND YOU'RE TELLING YOURSELF

MOST PEOPLE HAVE THAT AS NUMBER ONE.

I HAVE IT AS NUMBER TWO.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

AND LASTLY, WHEN YOU FIRST WALK INTO A HOUSE,

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE.

I'M TELLING YOU WHAT, MOST HOUSES SMELL BAD.

I'VE TRAINED MYSELF TO BREATHE THROUGH MY MOUTH

AND IT SAVES ME FROM A LOT OF EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS,

LET ME TELL YOU.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? VERY GOOD. THANK YOU.

LOOK AT ALL THIS SPACE.

LOTS FOR MY PLASTICWARE. THAT'S WONDERFUL.

THE KITCHEN'S JUST BEEN RECENTLY UPDATED,

SO IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK.

WHAT'S THIS?

I BRING THESE TO EVERY OPEN HOUSE,

THEY ARE LOG CABIN, WIENER CHEESE HOUSES.

OH! WONDERFUL. TRY ONE.

THAT'S DARLING. NO, THANKS. I'M JEWISH.

NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT MARY AND ALLEN FOR A SECOND.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IT'S SUCH A RELIEF FOR KELLY AND I

TO MEET SUCH A WONDERFUL,

SECURE, ORGANIC AND WELCOMING COUPLE

TO LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM.

WHAT A RELIEF! YOU MOVE INTO A NEIGHBORHOOD,

YOU TAKE YOUR CHANCES AND IT'S JUST--

I'M TELLING YOU WHAT, THEY'RE GONNA BE

SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL IN OUR LIVES, I CAN TELL RIGHT NOW.

AFTER ALL, WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT? IT'S ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

UH, MY NAME IS RICHARD BILLOTI.

UH, I'VE BEEN IN THE REAL ESTATE "BIZ" ON AND OFF.

A FEW YEARS NOW.

I'VE HAD A FEW SIDE PROJECTS HERE AND THERE...

WAS A GOLF PRO, UH,

I WAS A CIRCUS GEEK FOR JUST LIKE 2 MONTHS,

AND THEN, UH...

I WAS A FLIGHT ATTENDANT

AND UH, WELL, UH, TOO MANY TO MENTION

BUT WHAT I REALLY LOVE DOING IS--IS--IS

JUST FINDING PEOPLE HOMES.

RIGHT NOW, I'M CURRENTLY IN BETWEEN OFFICE SPACES.

UM...THIS IS MY NEW--

THESE ARE MY NEW DIGS RIGHT HERE FOR NOW,

FOR THE TIME BEING.

THIS IS LOCATED IN AN OLD MILITARY TESTING SITE.

OCCASIONALLY, AS YOU'RE WALKING THROUGH, YOU COULD--

YOU MIGHT SEE SOME OLD SHELLS OR CRATERS OR...

MAYBE SOME PIG CARCASSES.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT? WHAT'S YOUR DREAM HOUSE?

TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT.

Tom: UH... VERY CLEAR PICTURE ON THAT.

4 BEDROOM, 3 BATHROOM, LARGE LAWN.

OR 4 BATHROOMED. ANYTHING WE WANT. 4 BEDS AND 4 BATHS.

ARE WE TALKING REALITY, OR SHOOT FOR THE MOON YOU LAND ON A STAR?

THE--THE SECOND ONE. THE SHOOT FOR THE MOON,

I'M GONNA ACTUALLY WRITE THAT DOWN. THAT'S AWESOME.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE LOOKED AT THE PRICE OF HOUSES THESE DAYS,

BUT THEY'RE ASTRONOMICAL.

THE COMMON MAN CANNOT BUY A HOUSE WITHOUT, YOU KNOW,

WINNING THE LOTTERY OR ROBBING A BANK.

HERE'S THE THING. THE 700,000 YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

I CAN GET YOU WAY MORE FOR YOUR 700,000.

IF I--IF I COULD DO THAT,

WOULD THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO DO?

YEAH. YEAH. OF COURSE.

EXCELLENT. LET ME TELL YOU HOW I WORK THEN.

I DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY, OK?

UM...AND IT'S VERY IMPORTANT

THAT IF I DO SOMETHING THAT SEEMS LIKE IT'S NOT THE NORM,

THAT YOU GUYS WON'T FREAK OUT ON ME.

THIS ISN'T A DEMOCRACY, THIS IS A DICTATORSHIP.

AND I AM, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, SADDAM HUSSEIN,

AND YOU GUYS ARE THE PEASANT PEOPLE.

AND AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, I COULD SPRAY YOU WITH MUSTARD GAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? I JUST NEED YOU TO HAVE THAT SORT OF...

UNDERSTANDING.

AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT YOU FOLLOW ME.

I DO IT MYSELF. LET ME SEE THIS. THAT IS SO...

IT'S NOT--IT'S A CRAWFISH BUT IT'S NOT LIVING, SO...

THAT'S CREATIVE. IT'S JUST--IT'S JUST A--

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

JUST A JAR. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE THE PERFECT PLACE FOR IT.

Peter: I'M SURE SHE DOES. YEAH. RIGHT IN HERE.

OH, AND MARY MADE HER FAMOUS HALIBUT STROGANOF.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I JUST--SOMETIMES I LIKE TO EXPERIMENT, YOU KNOW.

PLACE LOOKS GREAT, PETER.

WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT? OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.

DID YOU DO THAT WITH A REMOTE?

IT IS. X10 ELECTRICAL SYSTEM. IT'S BRAND NEW.

BETWEEN THAT AND THIS,

I CAN SET UP MACROS AROUND THE WHOLE HOUSE,

YOU GOTTA SEE THIS.

ALRIGHT, LET'S GO LEFT.

THAT'S A NICE VIEW OF THE POOL.

YEAH. ALRIGHT, READY? YEAH.

BINGO! [LAUGHS]

HEY, THAT'S A BIG BATHROOM.

YEAH.

ALRIGHT, READY? UH-HUH.

23.

HEH HEH. 24.

WHAT'S--WHAT'S THAT WORK TABLE?

OH, THAT'S A SCRAPBOOK TABLE. THAT'S WHAT KELLY DOES.

AND ENTRÉE VOUS.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

[CHUCKLES] RIGHT? THIS IS SOMETHING.

YOU CAN HAVE A DANCE PARTY IN HERE.

YEAH. WELL, JULIE'S GETTING STRAIGHT A'S CONSISTENTLY.

YOU KNOW? SHE MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT DANCE,

SO I THREW THIS TOGETHER.

MARY DOES SCRAPBOOKS. SHE'S DONE IT FOR YEARS.

IS THAT YOU? DO YOU SCRAPBOOK?

OK, WELL, KELLY'S GOT HER OWN MAGAZINE,

IT'S CALLED SCRAP BOOK MAGAZINE. MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT?

KELLY WILLIAMS JACOBSEN? I CAN'T BELIEVE--

Peter: IT'S RIGHT HERE. TAKE A LOOK.

Kelly: I MEAN, IT'S NOTHING, REALLY, IT'S JUST A LITTLE... YOU'RE KIDDING ME!

NO, THAT'S FANTASTIC. I CAN'T--YOU ARE MY IDOL.

SO YOU--SO YOU'RE A SCRAPPER, HUH?

YES. I AM.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I--I WOULD LOVE TO GET YOUR FEEDBACK

ON THE MAGAZINE, IF YOU WANNA-- WE COULD GET TOGETHER,

I COULD LOOK AT YOUR WORK, AND YOU KNOW WE COULD TALK.

THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC. I WOULD LOVE IT.

WELL. Allen: UH-OH.

WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT HERE? OH, NO, HONEY.

WELL, WE'VE BEEN KNOWN TO INDULGE A LITTLE BIT.

WE'RE OK, BUT, UH... JUST A LITTLE.

OK. IT'S A FUN GAME.

GUESTS GO FIRST.

OK. ALRIGHT.

YES, YOU'RE VERY UPSET AND YOU DECIDE TO-- [BUZZER]

UPSET. OH.

YOU LIKE STICKERS AND YOU-- [BUZZER]

STICKERS. YEAH.

HONEY, COME ON, COME ON. OK, UM...

LOOK, LOOK, BREATHE. YOU'RE BIG INTO THE INTERNET.

YOU'VE GOT--YOU GO--YOU GET YOUR EMAIL THROUGH ONE SPECIFIC--

[BUZZER] EMAIL.

Allen: WHAT--WHAT-- WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, YOU SAID WORD AGAIN. KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING.

UM...YOU--THERE IS--IT'S-- YOU HAVE A DREAM TO HAVE

A CHILD OF YOUR OWN AND ONE DAY THE MYSTICAL CREATURE...

STORK. YES!

OK. THAT'S TIME. [BUZZER]

GOOD. VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD.

GOOD JOB, HONEY, DON'T WORRY, THAT WAS GREAT.

Allen: OK, YOU GUYS ARE UP. OH, OH, HERE, HERE, HERE, HONEY.

GOOD JOB.

[CLEARS THROAT] OK.

AND...GO!

OH, UNCLE SAM'S BARBECUE.

POISON IVY. MM-HM. UH, MOULDING?

CROWN.

WHAT WE'RE BUILDING IN THE BACKYARD?

GAZEBO. WHAT WE DO DAILY?

UM, EXERCISE. EVERY OTHER TUESDAY?

BLOOD DONOR. FIRST DATE?

BOWLING ALLEY.

THE GARAGE? WHITE.

CLIVE. OH...SUNSCREEN.

HELLO. HI.

HELLO.

YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE. I'M SURE YOU'RE FREAKING OUT.

NO. HOW'RE YOU GUYS DOING?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU? WELL, WE'RE FINE.

GOOD. I'M SO EXCITED TO SHOW YOU THIS PLACE.

IT IS SO AMAZING ON THE INSIDE, ALRIGHT?

DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER, ALRIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY. [LAUGHS] NOT REALLY.

HELLO. HELLO.

COME ON IN, COME ON IN. THANKS.

THIS IS GORGEOUS.

WOW! I'M HILLARY MARCELLA,

NICE TO MEET YOU, THIS IS BOBBY AND TAMIKA WHITE.

HEY, I'M MINDY. MINDY WHITE. HELLO, HELLO.

Tamika: MINDY, GOOD TO MEET YOU.

GOOD TO MEET YOU. WELCOME TO OUR OPEN HOUSE.

Bobby: HOLY MOLY!

HOLY MOLY IS RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT I SAID WHEN I SAW IT.

EXTRA MOLY.

MOLAY.

WAS THIS A BARN AT ONE POINT?

WELL, NO, ACTUALLY IT WAS A CAR SHOWROOM.

ARE YOU SURE? I'M SURE.

SEE THAT GLASS WALL RIGHT THERE? USED TO DRIVE THE CARS THROUGH.

YOU'RE EXACTLY RIGHT.

NOW THAT WE HAVE EXPOSED CEILINGS, AS YOU CAN SEE,

WE HAVE THIS NATURAL LIGHT FROM THE SKYLIGHT.

IT MAKES ME WEEP, IT'S SO GORGEOUS.

[MOBILE] OH. GOTTA GRAB THIS. YOU ALL JUST LOOK AROUND.

ENJOY. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, JUST ASK ME.

OK. THANK YOU. THANKS.

I THINK SHE'S WRONG. IT'S A BARN.

YOU THINK? NO.

IT WOULD SMELL LIKE HAY IF IT WERE A BARN.

HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME RIGHT NOW?

A LOT. A LOT.

BELIEVE ME, I'VE DONE MY RESEARCH ON THIS PLACE,

I DON'T NEED HER TO SHOW IT AROUND.

I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW.

PLUS I GREASED A FEW PALMS AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE

THE FIRST ONES TO SEE IT.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

LOOK BEHIND YOU. 16 BY 9 FOOT HD PROJECTION.

IT COMES WITH THE PROPERTY.

WHAT? THAT IS AMAZING.

I HEAR HD IS THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE.

Hillary: IT IS THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE.

AND THEN LOOK AT THIS. YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

POLISHED SANDSTONE.

LOOK AT THIS!

POLISHED SANDSTONE, OK? WHAT?!

NOT ONE, BUT 2 DISHWASHERS. OK? YES. THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE ANY DISHES.

LOOK AT THAT! WHO NEEDS A HAIRCUT?

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE MILKING SOMETHING.

TWO GARBAGE DISPOSALS. THAT'S GREAT.

Bobby: WHY? WHY DO YOU NEED TWO?

DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'D USE IT FOR, BUT WE HAVE TWO.

Tamika: WHY ONLY HAVE ONE? WHY ONLY HAVE ONE?

EXACTLY. I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S OUT THERE? A YARD?

PUNCH ME IN THE FACE. NOW. PLEASE.

I'D NEVER DO THAT. I'D NEVER DO THAT.

BUT COME OUT HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE WITH THIS YARD,

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THAT'S A BUNNY RABBIT.

WOW!

YEAH.

KICK ME IN THE GUT, WHY DON'T YOU?

THIS IS-- 2500 SQUARE FEET

OF OUTDOOR LIVING SPACE.

LOOK AT THE SIDE.

NOW, THE FUNNY THING IS THEY PLANTED THAT AND THEN DISCOVERED

IT DOESN'T GROW INDOORS, SO THEY RIPPED OFF THE ROOF.

THERE USED TO BE A ROOF? RAISED THE ROOF.

I'M SO SORRY.

HEY, YOU'RE LOVING THIS OR WHAT?

WE'RE LOVING IT. OH, MY GOSH.

IT'S SO GORGEOUS, I MEAN, IT'S LIKE A LITTLE COUNTRY

IN THE CITY, ISN'T IT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ALL NOTICED

BUT THERE'S AN OUTDOOR SHOWER. NO, WE DIDN'T.

AND A TUB. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

I AM NOT KIDDING.

YOU CAN SEE WE GOT ALL THE PLANTS, LOOK AT THAT.

Bobby: THAT'S AMAZING.

AND THE BEDROOM'S RIGHT OFF THAT.

OH, BUT WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S ANOTHER AREA THAT I THINK YOU'RE GONNA JUST DIE FOR.

THAT'S BETTER THAN THIS?

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST AS GOOD AS--

CAN I MAKE A REQUEST? I WANT A PONY.

ALRIGHT, WELL, WE'LL GET YOU THAT.

I MEAN, LOOK, WE HAVE THE SPACE.

HE CAN GRAZE. LOOK AT THAT.

I CAN SEE YOU TWO IN THAT TUB. Tamika: YEAH.

NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW.

FOLLOW ME. I WANNA SHOW YOU ONE LAST PART OF THE HOUSE.

IT'S A GORGEOUS AREA. IT'S A THIRD BEDROOM LOFT.

LOOK AT THAT. WOW.

THE SKYLIGHT. Bobby: THE LIBRARY,

THE LIBRARY... THE LIBRARY LADDER.

...WITHOUT THE LIBRARY.

OH, THAT'S OK. I'LL TAKE THAT ROOM FOR MYSELF

WHEN I MOVE IN WITH YOU GUYS.

A PLACE TO RELAX WITH A BOOK.

AND THE EXPOSED CEILING'S AS IT IS THROUGHOUT THE WAREHOUSE.

NOW HERE WHAT THEY'VE DONE IS THEY ADDED--

WITH A LITTLE MODERN EXPOSED BRICK,

THEY'VE GIVEN US SOME OF THIS OLD-FASHIONED,

STRAIGHT FROM SAVANNAH, PLANTATION SHUTTERS.

JUST TO ADD A LITTLE FLAVOR. YOU KNOW,

A LITTLE DETAIL? ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

HORRIBLE. THAT WAS HORRIBLE.

I'M SORRY, WHAT?

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT IN FRONT OF THEM?

IT'S THE-- PLANTATION SHUTTERS?

THAT IS A VERY ANTIQUATED SAYING, ALRIGHT?

WE DON'T NEED TO KEEP SAYING IT. IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY. ALRIGHT?

OK. AND LOOK AT YOU'RE AUDIENCE.

HI. YOU'VE OFFENDED THEM AND YOU'VE OFFENDED ME.

DON'T BE SLAVES TO THE OPEN FLOOR PLAN.

NOW, I DID NOT SAY THAT. I WOULD NEVER SAY--

BRING IN ALL YOUR ILLEGITIMATE KIDS AND PLAY DICE.

EXCUSE ME, MISS MARCELLA. YOU ARE HORRIBLE.

YOU'VE OFFENDED THEM, YOU'VE OFFENDED ME. APOLOGIZE NOW.

I'M VERY SORRY. RIGHT NOW.

I REALLY HOPE THAT YOU'LL TAKE THIS APOLOGY--

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I--

PLEASE DON'T DWELL ON IT.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO SOMEBODY? MY GOD. YOU ARE SICK.

HONEY? IS SHE THROWING UP?

YEAH, SHE--SHE'S THROWING UP. LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO HER.

I THINK 'CAUSE YOU'RE YELLING. OH, OH! THAT IS CLASSIC, LADY.

OH, SWEETIE.

THAT--OH--THAT SHELLFISH, HONEY. ARE YOU OK?

I DON'T THINK MARDU COOKED THAT SALMON VERY WELL.

THAT--THAT'S WHAT'S SUCH A PROBLEM.

YOU DON'T THINK YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG.

YOU DON'T CALL THEM THAT, OK? YOU JUST SAY SHUTTERS.

WE KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. ALRIGHT?

PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY, I-- THESE ANTIQUATED TERMS.

OH, GOODBYE. I WILL REPORT YOU.

THERE IS NO REASON TO-- AGH!

Mindy: WHY WOULD YOU REPORT ME?

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT.

ARE YOU OK? YEAH, YEAH.

IT WAS--I DON'T KNOW, SHELLFISH OR SALMON OR SOMETHING.

NO. IT WAS RACISM. OH.

OH. MM-HM.

LOOK AT THIS TILE WORK. ISN'T THAT STUNNING?

Richard: YOU GUYS EXCITED?

MM-HM. YEAH. YEAH.

YOU SHOULD BE.

BUYING A HOUSE SHOULD BE ONE OF THE MOST EXCITING THINGS

IN THE WORLD. THEY SAY IT'S STRESSFUL

BUT I THINK IT VERY EXCITING.

OH, AND WE'RE IN.

GREAT. GREAT.

COME ON IN, COME ON IN.

WOW. OH, MY GOSH.

IT'S NICE, HUH? YEAH.

RICHARD, THIS IS...GREAT.

YEAH, YOU SEE ALL THE WOOD RIGHT OVER HERE?

WE GOT WOOD FLOORS, WOOD WALL, WOOD, UH, BEAM RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, I LIKE THAT A LOT.

DUMP, HUH?

I--I WASN'T THINKING DUMP. CRAPSVILLE, POOPY TOWN,

THE YUCK HOUSE, I CALL IT. BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT IS--IT'S A FIXER UPPER AND IT'S GOT A LOT OF POTENTIAL.

RIGHT? WELL, I ACTUALLY THINK IT'S--

I SORT OF LIKE THIS. I LIKE THE WOOD ACCENTS.

WELL, YOU WOULD, YOU WOULD, 'CAUSE YOU HAVE AN UNTRAINED EYE

AND I HAVE A TRAINED EYE WHO CAN SEE ALL THE, UH, FAULTS

THAT WE WILL USE TO OUR ADVANTAGE TO GET YOU GUYS

THE HOUSE THAT YOU WANT FOR THE PRICE YOU WANT.

OK.

SO... NICE.

...THIS IS THE MASTER BEDROOM.

Dawn: SO MUCH SPACE.

YEAH, I'M THE... MASTER OF THIS ROOM.

YEAH, I BET YOU ARE THE MASTER OF THE BEDROOM. OOH!

ARE YOU OK? YEAH.

SO, UH, YOU COULD PROBABLY FIT A, YOU KNOW,

CALIFORNIA KING IN HERE.

Dawn: YEAH.

OBVIOUSLY SOME EXTRA FURNITURE CAN GO IN HERE.

A LOT OF SPACE. VAULTED CEILINGS.

Dawn: GREAT. A LOT OF ROOM, SPACIOUS,

FANTASTIC. YEAH. IT COULD WORK.

THERE'S PLENTY OTHER STUFF TO SEE AND...

THIS IS--THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST ROOMS SO FAR, THOUGH.

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY GOOD, IT'S PRETTY GOOD,

BUT WE GOT SOME OTHER STUFF THAT'S NOT SO GOOD.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK OUT HERE. OH? OK.

MOSEY ON DOWN HERE.

HERE WE ARE IN THE, UH, FAMILY ROOM. Dawn: MM-HM.

Richard: YOU KNOW, IT'S ALRIGHT,

IT'S A PICTURE WINDOW.

I LIKE THE WINDOW A LOT.

IT'S--IT'S DELICATE GLASS. BREAKABLE, VERY BREAKABLE. UM...

YOU'LL SEE OVER HERE WE HAVE A FIREPLACE.

NOW, IT'S MADE OF BRICK, BUT DON'T LET THAT FOOL YOU,

IT IS--IT IS VERY UNSTABLE.

YEAH, I DON'T CARE WHAT THAT--

THAT THREE LITTLE PIG STORY SAYS.

BRICK IS--IS WEAK.

Tom: I THOUGHT THE WOLF COULDN'T BLOW DOWN THE BRICK.

Richard: COULDN'T IN THE STORY, BUT THAT'S A FAIRY TALE, SO...

I THINK TOM MIGHT BE RIGHT, I THINK-- THIS IS THE REAL WORLD.

I THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING TO THAT FAIRY TALE.

YEAH, THERE WERE ALSO THREE LITTLE PIGS THAT COULD TALK,

BUT...YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

RICHARD, DON'T MAKE ME FEEL STUPID. IT WASN'T ABOUT TALKING--

WE'RE GETTING INTO SEMANTICS HERE.

LET'S COME OVER HERE AND LOOK AT THIS.

AND...THIS IS THE KITCHEN. YEAH.

[WHIRRING]

ALRIGHT, LET'S MOVE ON.

Dawn: OUR FIRST DAY IS GOING GREAT.

YEAH, LOOKING FOR HOUSES. IT'S--IT'S EXCITING, I THINK. MM-HM.

IT'S REALLY EXCITING, AND THIS HOUSE IS FANTASTIC.

I THINK THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S PROBABLY OUT OF OUR--

A LITTLE BIT OUT OF OUR LEAGUE, PROBABLY TOO EXPENSIVE FOR US.

YEAH. IT'S--IF IT ENDED IN A 26 INSTEAD OF A 16, THE ZIP CODE,

WE--WE'D WRITE A CHECK RIGHT NOW. WE'D BE WINNING.

WE REALLY LOVED THE HIGH CEIL-- THE VAULTED CEILINGS.

OH, THE VAULTED CEILINGS ARE GREAT.

AND, UH, WE LIKE ALL THE WOOD EVERYWHERE AND--

Dawn: WOOD PANELING IS REALLY... BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT WAS THAT? RICHARD?

WHAT'S GOING ON? DID YOU-- I DON'T KNOW.

OH, MY GOD.

RICHARD?

RICHARD? RICHARD!

ARE YOU--

RIGHT HERE. WHA--

RICHARD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

TA DA! WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED HERE. TWO WORDS.

FORCED DEPRECIATION.

TRANSLATION?

YOU GET A HOUSE FOR $50,000 LESS.

$50,000 UNDER THE ASKING PRICE.

WE DIDN'T TELL--

COME ON, WELL, YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD--

LET'S TALK ABOUT IT IN THE CAR. YOU CAN THANK ME LATER.

50,000?

UH, I'M PASSING THE SAVINGS ON TO YOU.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS IN THE CAR.

COME ON, SERIOUSLY, WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE.

WE HAVE TO-- WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

WE GOT THE PRICE DOWN, WE'RE DOING WHAT--

I'M DOING WHAT I SAID.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

COME ON IN. GREAT TO SEE YA, HI, I'M ERNIE.

HEY. PETER. PETER, HI. HOW YOU DOING?

I'M MARY. HEY, MARY. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

AND I'M ERNIE.

ALLEN. NICE TO MEET YOU. ALLEN, NICE TO MEET YOU.

HIGH FIVE. GREAT TO HAVE YOU. OH, GREAT!

ANYWAY, THIS IS A GREAT LITTLE HOUSE FOR A SMALL FAMILY.

AS YOU CAN SEE, YOU GOT THE VAULTED CEILINGS,

NEW CARPET AND, UH, FRESH PAINT INSIDE AND OUT.

SO, UH, WHY DON'T WE TAKE A LOOK AT THE KITCHEN? COME ON.

GREAT.

SO, WE MAKE OUR WAY INTO THE FAMILY ROOM,

AND IF YOU NOTICE, WE GOT A, UH, ROCK FIREPLACE

AND A BUILT-IN ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM FOR THAT, UH,

YOU KNOW, BIG SCREEN TV, OR WHATEVER.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHAT DO YOU THINK, ALLEN? MM? WELL, UH, UH...

YEAH? IT'S, UH, YOU KNOW, IT LOOKS TERRIFIC.

IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC. THANK YOU.

AND IF YOU NOTICE RIGHT BEHIND ME, THERE'S HARDWOOD FLOORS

THROUGHOUT, WHICH OPENS TO AN OPEN FLOOR PLAN

RIGHT INTO THE KITCHEN. [LAUGHS] WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Allen: VERY NICE. HAVE A LOOK.

AND IF YOU NOTICE TOO, UH, NEW CABINETS, RECESSED LIGHTING,

STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES. NICE. TERRIFIC

AND, UH, AND THAT POT RACK, WELL, THAT'S GONNA STAY.

THE SELLER SAID THEY CAN KEEP IT HERE.

OH, IS IT? THAT'S A--ALLEN, THAT'S VERY VALUABLE.

WELL, YOU GOT A BIG BACKYARD, WHY DON'T WE LOOK AT THAT?

YEAH. HEY, BEFORE YOU GO, I NEED YOU TO DO ONE THING.

JUST TO SHOW YOU HOW SURPRISINGLY LARGE

THIS HOUSE REALLY IS, I NEED YOU TO DO ONE THING.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

GO AHEAD. COUNT TO 10,

AND TRY TO FIND ME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OUTSIDE? GREAT IDEA.

HE'LL CATCH UP WITH US, HONEY.

OH, THIS IS DARLING.

IT'S GOT A BREEZE AND IT JUST... OH!

Peter: EUCALYPTUS TREE, AFTERNOON SHADE.

VERY NICE. ANOTHER SWING SET, HUH?

WELL, YOU CAN ALWAYS TAKE THAT OUT, ALLEN.

IT COULD BE A--A ANOTHER PLANT STAND OR EVEN A BARBECUE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING?

I'M THINKING THAT WE NEED A POOL.

A POOL? YEAH. YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

I'M THINKING IN OUR NEXT HOUSE WE NEED TO HAVE A POOL.

ALLEN! THAT'S A BIT OF AN EXTRAVAGANCE ALL OF A SUDDEN.

WELL, GOOD NEWS. WE'VE STILL GOT A COUPLE OF NICE ONES TO SEE.

[ERNIE LAUGHS] I TOLD YOU, YOU WOULDN'T FIND ME.

[SIGHS] BOBBY.

Hillary: I MEAN, AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO EAT A TACO.

Bobby: RIGHT. THAT'S MY VACATION THESE DAYS.

ENOUGH ABOUT THAT. GUESS WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU.

FOUR--EIGHT. FOUR NEW PROPERTIES.

OH? TO LOOK AT, YES. AND THEY ARE...

WHAT--TWO OF THEM ARE NOT EVEN ON THE MARKET YET, OK?

I FOUND OUT BECAUSE I TIPPED SOMEONE OFF AT THE PAPER

WHEN I WAS LOOKING.

YOU'RE NOT HAPPY. WHAT--WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? NO, NO, IT'S--WE'RE ELATED.

WE'RE VERY HAPPY. IT'S JUST THAT

THINGS ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT NOW AND THINGS HAVE CHANGED

AND WE HAVE NEWS OF OUR OWN. UM...

GUESS WHAT?

CHICKEN BUTT. NO, I'M JOKING. [LAUGHS]

YOU ARE HILARIOUS. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

WE'RE PREGNANT. I'M PREGNANT.

CHICKEN BUTT.

NO, I'M--I'M PREGNANT.

THAT WAS THE JOKE. UH, SHE'S PREGNANT.

SO, THERE'S NO PUNCH LINE TO THIS, HUH?

NO, NO, WE'RE--WE'RE-- SHE'S PREGGERS AND UH...

SO, WE KINDA HAVE TO MAYBE CHANGE OUR, TWEAK OUR--

I MEAN, CLEARLY YOU HAVE OPTIONS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN'T BE THAT FAR ALONG,

SO, WHY DON'T WE...

EAT TONIGHT AND THEN, UH,

NEXT WEEK, WHEN YOU'RE FEELING BETTER,

AND EVERYTHING'S TAKEN CARE OF, WE CAN RESUME THIS.

I KNOW A DOCTOR. I'M HAVING THE BABY.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, SIR. SEÑOR.

ANYWAY, WHAT--THE THING THAT IS GOING TO AFFECT YOU

IS THAT NOW WE'RE LOOKING FOR A HOME.

WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR A LOFT ANY MORE, WE--WE--

WHAT WE WANNA DO IS--IS, UH,

FIND A HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS

BECAUSE TAMIKA'S GONNA BE STAYING HOME.

AND WE'LL BE A SINGLE INCOME FAMILY, YOU KNOW.

I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO AFFORD A LOFT, AND YOU KNOW,

A FAMILY FRIENDLY HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS IS IDEAL.

OK.

SUBURBS? YEAH.

THAT IS CRAZY.

BUT I'M GONNA ROLL WITH IT.

I'M NOT LEAVING.

I'M NOT GONNA BE THE, YOU KNOW,

LIKE A FLAKY BOYFRIEND THAT...

BEGS YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR,

AND THEN IS LIKE, "OH, I WA--

"DON'T CALL ME. YOU'RE TOO CLINGY."

I'LL BE THERE.

I'M STICKING AROUND.

I CAN'T WAIT.

CHOICES.

OK.

ALRIGHT. UM...

WELL, I'VE GOT MY WORK CUT OUT FOR ME, RIGHT?

SO, TOMORROW, I WILL START...

DOWN A DIFFERENT PATH.

YEAH. DO YOUR DUTY. I WILL DO IT.

I'M GONNA DO IT. WE'LL GIVE YOU A JANGALANG, OK?

THANK YOU. BYE. OK. ALRIGHT.

EXCUSE ME, MISS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S 10:30.

I DON'T THINK SO.

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

UH, IT'S, UH, 4222 SOMANT.

IT'S, UH, S-O-M-A-N-T.

UH...DESCRIPTION... UM... HOLD ON.

HE WAS SOME FILIPINO CRIP

THAT'S PROBABLY HALFWAY TO TIJUANA BY NOW WITH HIS 8 ARMS.

OK, HE WAS DRIPPING IN AFRO SHEEN, OK?

AND HE WAS VERY DARK.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN ARMENIAN BECAUSE HE SMELLED FARSI-ISH.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN, YOU KNOW,

SOME WETBACK FROM THE PHILIPPINES,

BUT HE PROBABLY HAS, YOU KNOW, 9,000 CHILDREN

AND A BUNCH OF WIVES

THAT HAVE MOUSTACHES AND MUTTON CHOPS.

YES, THE WALLS ARE THIN HERE.

THANK YOU.

MM-HM. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR THE WATER.

COULD HAVE BROUGHT IT TO MY TABLE

WHEN I WAS EATING HERE BUT...

HEY, ALLEN.

WOW.

HEY! YOU'RE BUILDING A FENCE.

YEAH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

AREN'T YOU MOVING? YEAH. IMPROVEMENTS.

MARY INSIDE? YEAH. GO RIGHT IN.

SHE'S WAITING FOR YOU.

I LIKE THAT. YEAH, I DRIED THAT MYSELF.

YOU DID? I DID.

ONE THING YOU MIGHT WANNA THINK ABOUT

INSTEAD OF JUST USING PLAIN COLORED PAPER,

YOU MIGHT WANT--YOU KNOW, THEY MAKE GREAT HOMEMADE PAPERS.

YOU KNOW, WITH LIKE LEAVES AND FLOWER PETALS IN THEM

THEY'RE JUST REALLY BEAUTIFUL. CAN I ASK YOU A--

A PERSONAL QUESTION? DO YOU USE PINKING SHEARS? A LOT?

I DO. WITH THE CORNER? 'CAUSE...

DON'T TELL ANYBODY. BUT I HAD--

I KNEW IT, I SAW THAT--

ME AGAIN. SOME PEOPLE ARE GONNA LOOK AT THE HOUSE. UH...

THIS IS JILL, THE AGENT. HI.

AND PAUL AND SUE, MY WIFE MARY, OUR NEIGHBOR,

SO PLEASE, GO RIGHT AHEAD, FEEL FREE.

OK.

I GUESS SELLING A HOUSE WAS A LOT MORE COMPLICATED

THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S PEOPLE COMING IN ALL THE TIME

AND...TOUCHING THINGS.

YOU NEED TO PUT THAT DOWN. DOWN.

KELLY IS MY FRIEND AND SHE CAN COME OVER

AND SHE'S SO SUPPORTIVE,

SHE'S BEEN THROUGH THE WHOLE PROCESS ALREADY

SO, I'M OPTIMISTIC. I JUST...

CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS TO BE OVER.

WELL, TODAY WE'RE IN THE SUBURBS.

I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE SUBURBS,

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON MARS.

I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT,

BUT THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT, SO THIS IS WHAT AUNTIE HILLARY'S

GONNA GIVE THEM.

IT SMELLS LIKE COWS.

AND THERE'S KIDS ALL OVER THE PLACE,

WHICH WOULD DRIVE ME NUTS. OK?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THESE PEOPLE BUY THEIR COFFEE,

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY BUY GAS.

I HAVEN'T SEEN A SINGLE GAS STATION HERE.

WHERE DO YOU GET A CIVILIZED DRINK IN THIS TOWN?

HERE'S MY COMMISSION METER. IT'S GOING LIKE THIS.

I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED IN HOW THIS IS ALL WORKING OUT,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I FINISH WHAT I START.

SO, HOPEFULLY WE ARE GONNA FINISH VERY SOON WITH THESE TWO.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHECK OUT THE KITCHEN?

SURE. YEAH.

OK, COME RIGHT ON THROUGH HERE. Both: OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE!

SHORT JOURNEY.

I LIKE THAT IT'S OPEN.

OPEN. OPEN.

IT IS OPEN.

RIGHT IN THROUGH HERE, WOOD--BRAND NEW.

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN REPLACED. THAT'S ACTUAL NEW CABINETS, OK?

A WINE RACK, HUH? YES.

THAT'S NICE. YOU LIKE WINE. BUILT-IN. CONVENIENCE.

Tamika: CAN'T DRINK IT. WELL, NOT NOW

BUT IN TIME YOU WILL. BIRTH DEFECTS.

UH, LET'S SEE. DUAL SINKS, GARBAGE DISPOSAL, DISHWASHER,

PERSONALLY, I THINK THAT THE STOVE IS A HIGHLIGHT

OF THIS KITCHEN.

FOUR BURNER, GAS...

AND, WELL, IF YOU HAVE TO SLAVE OVER A HOT STOVE,

WHY NOT DO IT IN A NICE, MODERN, STYLISH KITCHEN?

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MOLDINGS.

THEY REALLY, UH, MAKE THIS LOW CEILING LOOK EVEN LOWER, HUH?

WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT THE CEILING, THEN LET'S--

WE HAVE A CEILING FAN, VERY MODERN, VERY NICE FIXTURES.

YEAH. ALRIGHT, WE'RE GONNA GO OUTSIDE AND, UH, NOSE AROUND.

IS THAT OK? OH, ABSOLUTELY. ENJOY.

HERE IT IS. Tamika: OH.

WELL, I'D POINT OUT SOME STUFF

BUT THERE'S NOTHING TO POINT OUT. I MEAN...

GRASS, FENCE.

WHITE FENCE,

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE TO LOOK AT?

IS THIS IT?

THERE'S BEDROOMS, YOU KNOW, BATHROOMS.

I'LL SHOW THEM TO YOU.

OKAY. YEAH, YEAH.

[CRASH] Tom: OH!

LOOK AT THAT, YOU JUST NAILED THE MAIL BOX.

RICHARD!

ALRIGHTY.

COME ON IN, COME ON IN.

TAKE A LOOK AT THE LIVING AREA FIRST.

THIS IS GREAT. ISN'T IT?

YES COME ON IN, TOM.

IT'S THE LIVING AREA, LIVE IN IT.

RICHARD, IT'S BIG.

YEAH, OH, IT'S REAL BIG. THAT'S RANCH STYLE HOUSING

AND YOU GOT THE WOOD BLINDS, UH...WALL-TO-WALL CARPETING

AND, OF COURSE, THE HEART OF THE ROOM,

THE WOOD-BURNING, CAST IRON STOVE, COMPLETE WITH, UH,

WOOD BURNING...STOVE... PIPE.

...ACTION. THAT'S GREAT, RIGHT?

YEAH.

DO YOU LIKE THE WHOLE SORT OF EQUINE THEME?

MM-HM.

IS THIS HORSE PROPERTY?

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, YEAH. DO THAT. TAKE A BIG...

YOU SMELL THAT? MM!

IT'S ACTUAL HORSE MANURE.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE. YEAH. FROM ACTUAL HORSES.

WE COULD HAVE HORSES. YEAH.

Both: YOU A COWBOY? Richard: YOU A COWBOY, TOM?

Dawn: JINX!

IN MY MIND'S EYE.

WELL, UH, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE REST OF THE HOUSE,

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT. COME ON THIS WAY.

THERE'S SO MUCH SPACE, RICHARD.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

WELL, HERE WE ARE IN LA COCINA--

OOH! ESPAÑOL FOR KITCHEN.

I LIKE THIS COUNTERS. YEAH, DON'T YOU?

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. WHAT ARE THESE MADE OF, RICHARD?

THIS IS SOLID GRANITE. SOLID GRANITE.

THOSE ARE--THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I IMAGINED.

DO YOU LIKE THE TILE?

I LOVE THAT--I WAS JUST GONNA SAY THAT.

IT'S TILE BACKSPLASH, TILE BACKSPLASH.

YEAH, IT'S FOR WHEN WATER SPLASHES UP BACK HERE.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHY IT'S CALLED THAT, TOM.

I LOVE THIS HOUSE.

I THINK IT'S THE CLOSEST WE'VE SEEN TO MY DREAM YET.

IT'S BIG. THERE'S SPACE FOR DOGS, FOR KIDS,

AND THERE'S--THIS IS HORSE PROPERTY.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WANTED HORSE PROPERTY

BUT NOW THAT I SEE IT, I KNOW I WANT IT.

IT'S AWESOME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, HONEY?

I JUST--I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.

[DRILLING IN DISTANCE]

UH...RICHARD HAS BEEN USING SOME UNORTHODOX METHODS.

NO, NO, NO, NO. ...STABLE THAT IS?

RICHARD, RICHARD.

JUST PUT IT BACK--RICHARD, THAT ONE PIECE WAS LOOSE!

OH, GOD! RICHARD.

DID YOU SEE THAT? THAT CAME DOWN LIKE A HOUSE OF CARDS.

I THINK HE'S TRYING TO LOWER THE PRICE ON THE HOMES,

BUT AT THIS POINT, I THINK HE'S CAUSING MORE DAMAGE.

[HORSE NEIGHS IN DISTANCE]

OH, IT'S A LITTLE BREEZY TODAY.

OH, MY GOSH! BEAUTIFUL! IT'S LIKE A LAS VEGAS HOTEL.

[PETER CHUCKLES]

YEAH, THE BARBEQUE PIT IS, I THINK, DEEPER THAN THE POOL.

OH, I'M--THIS IS JUST BANANAS! Allen: REALLY?

GO DOWN THERE AND GET THE BENDS, HUH? WHOA!

GOT LOTS OF ENTERTAINMENT SPACE.

WOW!

BARBEQUE. WHEN YOU'RE IN THE POOL, YOU CAN BELLY RIGHT UP

AND EAT.

WELL, THAT'S AN INSTANT CRAMP WAITING TO HAPPEN,

DON'T YOU THINK, HONEY?

Peter: THIS IS AN AMAZING PLACE, DON'T YOU THINK?

Allen: YOU KNOW, WHEN WE WERE UPSTAIRS

AND I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW--YOU SEE THIS PLACE RIGHT NEXT-DOOR?

SEE, THERE IS NO GRASS HERE, IT IS ALL POOL,

BUT NEXT-DOOR, THEY'VE GOT GRASS, A PATIO

AND THEY'VE GOT A LAP POOL. DID YOU SEE, HONEY?

THEY'VE GOT A LAP POOL, AND ALL THIS WIND--

I MEAN, THESE GUYS HAVE A WALL, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S BARELY EVEN A RIPPLE IN THEIR POOL--

WELL, WE'VE SEE UPWARDS OF 20 HOUSES NOW

THAT ALL SEEM TO FIT THE BILL FOR ALLEN AND MARY,

BUT, I DON'T KNOW, ALLEN KEEPS CHANGING THE CRITERIA ON ME.

I WISH HE'D JUST DECIDE WHAT HE NEEDS, IT WOULD HELP A LOT.

I'M STILL CONFIDENT, THOUGH, I'M GONNA FIND THEM A HOUSE.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT I DO, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT.

I THINK IT'S JUST GONNA TAKE A LITTLE WHILE LONGER

THAN I ANTICIPATED, THAT'S ALL.

IT'S ALL PART OF THE PROCESS.

[COUGHS]

WAS THAT CATS?

THROUGH THE MOUTH. ALWAYS THOUGH THE MOUTH.

HOW MANY DO YOU THINK THEY HAD?

WELL, I'M HERE ON MAPLE LANE,

OR, I DON'T KNOW, BIRCH BOULEVARD.

YOU NOW, FIR WOOD...WHATEVER-- ONE OF THE WOODED STREETS,

AND I'VE A GOT A TWO BED--TWO BATHROOM, THREE BEDROOM HOUSE

FOR BOBBY AND TAMIKA-- AND WHO'S ON TIME?

AND WHO'S LATE? I WONDER.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST...

...THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOT PUNCTUAL.

IT'S SOMETHING IN THEIR MAKEUP, OK?

I CAN'T PARALLEL PARK-- THAT'S MY CROSS TO BEAR.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, THIS LATENESS, IT'S LIKE,

I'VE GOT OTHER THINGS I COULD BE DOING.

I WENT TO--YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME--

I WENT TO A LUTHER VANDROSS CONCERT BACK IN '93.

IT'S 8:40. I GOT THERE AT 8:00,

THINKING "OH, I MIGHT MISS THE CURTAIN."

8:40, HE SAUNTERS ON LIKE, YOU KNOW, IT'S NO BIG THING.

OH, HERE THEY ARE. [HORN BEEPS]

I KNOW YOU NOTICED WHEN YOU WERE DRIVING UP

THAT ALL THE HOUSES ARE REALLY CLOSE TOGETHER.

DO YOU KNOW THAT, IF YOU OPEN THOSE BLINDS,

YOU CAN LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE BOY'S BEDROOM

ACROSS THE WAY? Tamika: HMM.

A LOT OF PEOPLE MIGHT SAY THAT'S KIND OF

AN INVASION OF PRIVACY

BUT I THINK IT FOSTERS A SENSE OF COMMUNITY--

YOU CAN ALWAYS SHUT THE BLINDS.

I'D STAY DRESSED WHILE YOU'RE DOWN HERE, IF I WERE YOU.

OK, OUR OWNERS HAVE DONE A LITTLE FACELIFT IN HERE.

THIS IS A NICE, SPACIOUS KITCHEN.

CULTURED STONE COUNTERS.

UM, BACK HERE-- SEE THAT LOOKS LIKE TILE?

MM-HM. SEE, THAT TURNS ON AND OFF. MM.

IT'S A FAUCET. RIGHT HERE, IT LOOKS LIKE TILE. IT'S NOT.

IT'S LINOLEUM. I THINK THAT'S VERY INGENIOUS.

OK, FIRST THING UPSTAIRS IS A LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT AREA.

Bobby: OH, THIS IS FUN. Tamika: THIS IS OK.

Hillary: YEAH.

HEY, A POPCORN MACHINE. [CHUCKLES]

THAT'S GREAT. LOOK AT THIS.

HEY, CAN WE WRITE THIS POPCORN MACHINE IN THE OFFER?

I'LL TRY. IGNORE HIM.

NO. ON WHAT GROUNDS?

WE DON'T NEED A POPCORN MACHINE.

WE DON'T NEED A POPCORN MACHINE, BUT IT FITS PERFECTLY,

THIS IS NICE, IT'S--

NO, IT DOESN'T FIT INTO OUR LIFESTYLE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T-- IT'S FUN, COME ON.

THAT THING COULD BLOW UP.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT THING'S GONNA DO.

IT'S NOT GOING TO BLOW UP, AND IF YOU RECALL,

IN THE CASE OF TAMIKA VERSUS THE HOUSE THAT WE SAW LAST WEEK,

YOU SET A NEW PRECEDENT

THAT YOU NEEDED STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES IN THE KITCHEN.

I'M ABOUT TO SET A NEW PRECEDENT IN THE CASE OF FIST VERSES FACE

IF YOU DON'T QUIT.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW OLD THAT POPCORN IS.

LET'S MOVE ON. YES.

FOLLOW ME.

[CRUNCH]

[HACKS UP PHLEGM] Tamika: OH!

OK, IN HERE WE HAVE SORT OF A GYM SLASH GAME ROOM

SLASH MUSIC ROOM. YOU KNOW?

IT'S GOT A BIG WALK-IN CLOSET THERE

SO IT CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE.

IT COULD BE A GUEST BEDROOM. IT WOULD MAKE A GOOD GYM ROOM.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA NEED TO EXERCISE AFTER I HAVE THE...

UM, MAYBE A, UH, SEWING ROOM OR ANOTHER BABY'S ROOM--

WHO KNOWS HOW MANY YOU'RE GONNA HAVE? YOU KNOW.

ARGH! WHAT?

GOOOOOALL!

YOU COULD PUT A POKER TABLE IN HERE, MAYBE A ROULETTE THING

OR, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE CASINO,

'CAUSE HE AND HIS FRIENDS PLAY POKER.

YEAH. THROW SOME FOAM UP ON THE WALLS, SOUNDPROOF IT,

LAY YOUR PHAT BEATS DOWN.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I DO KNOW THEY'RE GONNA TAKE THIS WITH THEM, SO...

OK.

YOU KNOW, NOT MESS WITH IT-- I KNOW PEOPLE DON'T LIKE

PEOPLE TOUCHING THEIR THINGS. LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

MORE TO SEE, MORE TO SEE.

WELL, I FEEL LIKE TAMIKA HAS SET WOMEN'S LIB BACK

ABOUT 100 YEARS--THANK YOU

AND I KNOW SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT'S DOING IT,

BUT I--YOU KNOW, THESE WOMEN THAT SAY,

"OH, I NEED TO COLLEGE, I GOT TO GET MY LAW DEGREE

"AND THEN I'M GONNA WORK FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS

"AND THEN I'M GONNA--OOPS-- GET PREGNANT

"AND THEN WATCH OPRAH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE."

MM.

YOU KNOW, I EXPECTED THEM TO BE THAT IRRESPONSIBLE

BUT NOW THAT IT'S HAPPENED, I STILL AM A LITTLE SURPRISED

AND SHOCKED.

I MEAN, YEAH, I'M HAPPY FOR HER.

YEAH. WINK--WINK. IS THAT WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY?

I'M HAPPY FOR HER.

Tamika: I'LL BE EXHAUSTED EVERY DAY!

I THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING... THIS HOUSE IS NOT GOING TO WORK.

...A LITTLE BIT, HONEY.

I MEAN, PLEASE, THIS IS--I MEAN, A DEATH TRAP.

OK, GUYS, YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO LIKE THIS.

THIS IS THE MASTER BEDROOM. HUH?

KIND OF SPEAKS FOR ITSELF, HUH?

THIS IS GREAT, RICHARD.

LOOK AT THAT--RECESSED LIGHTING, THERE'S, UH, THREE WINDOWS.

YOU'RE GONNA GET A GREAT VIEW IN HERE, A LOT OF WARMTH,

UM...WE GOT ANOTHER KETTLE OVER THERE, WOOD-BURNING STOVE...

FOR SOME REASON. I LIKE THE STOVE.

THERE'S A GUY--THERE'S A GUY IN THE BED.

YEAH, YEAH.

RICHARD, RICHARD.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT UNCOMMON FOR THAT WHEN YOU TOUR A HOUSE

AT 6AM IN THE MORNING.

WHAT? DOES--HE LIVES HERE?

YEAH, HE DOES. WELL, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

WELL, WE'RE HERE BEFORE EVERYBODY ELSE GETS HERE

SO WE GET A JUMP ON IT.

EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM-- YOU KNOW, THAT TYPE OF THING.

THE WORM BEING THE HOUSE.

OK, WELL, I THINK THIS IS THE LARGEST KIDS ROOM WE'VE SEEN.

WOULDN'T YOU AGREE? I MEAN,

THEY'VE OBVIOUSLY USED ALL THE WALL SPACE

CARRIE'S GONNA LOVE THIS.

OH! THAT'S 50 CENTS. OH, HE'S DARLING.

Peter: LOTS OF ROOM.

YOU KNOW, I'M THINKING, UM, WE NEED A DANCE--A DANCE ROOM,

IS WHAT WE NEED.

OH, WELL, THAT'S AN EASY RENOVATION JOB, ACTUALLY.

I DON'T FELL LIKE I SHOULD HAVE TO PUT IT IN.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I WANNA FIND A PLACE THAT HAS A DANCE ROOM.

DANCE ROOM.

YEAH. OK, WELL, LET'S MOVE ON.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Allen: HI, GUYS! HI Y'ALL!

HI, ALLEN. HOW ARE YOU DOING? WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?

CESAR SALAD, HUH? HAVE FUN!

PEAR GOAT CHEESE. OOH! PETER, HOW ARE YOU?

BA-DAH! AH!

YOU DID IT. I DID.

DOESN'T IT LOOK GREAT? HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE GOLD, HUH?

YEAH. IT'S GREAT. DID YOU LOOK AT THE GOLD?

YEAH, WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

IT'S THE RECIPE MY MOM SENT ME. I'VE NEVER TRIED THAT.

FANTASTIC.

WHAT BRAND OF CROUTONS IS THAT?

MINE. I MADE 'EM.

YOU GET OUT OF TOWN!

MM-HM, THEY'RE HOMEMADE. YES--

OH, THAT'S--THAT'S ALLEN. HE'S PLAYING WITH THE PLUS TEN.

OH, YEAH, PETER DID THE SAME THING.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. YEAH, I'M JUST...

I DIDN'T KNOW HUMANS COULD DO THAT.

HERE WE GO. 31, ENTER. ENTER? 33 ENTER?

AHA!

IT'S STILL WORKING.

HEY, LADIES, HONEY, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING UPSTAIRS.

I THINK SOMEBODY IS CALLING US. OK. WELL, NOW I'M ALL--

COME ON, GUYS! KNEE-DEEP IN TUNA CASSEROLE--

COME HERE, COME HERE.

CLOSE YOUR EYES. CLOSE YOUR EYES.

OK, GOOD, NOW, 536, ENTER, AND VOILA!

OH. WOW.

HONEY! YOU NEEDED A SCRAPBOOK TABLE.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, IT'S GOT YOUR PENCILS AND YOUR SCISSORS

AND ALL YOUR LITTLE DO HICKIES AND DO THATS AND YOUR RIBBONS

AND I LOVE THIS HIGH INTENSITY MAGNIFIER WITH SCOPE LIGHTS

FOR CLOSE WORK.

IS THIS WHY I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN TWO DAYS?

AND HERE, WATCH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WATCH THIS--5-2-1 ENTER.

[BUZZER] HOHH!

IT'S, UH, IT'S, UH, I THINK IT'S BIGGER THAN THE ONE I HAVE.

I KNOW, I KNOW, IT TAKES UP A LOT OF ROOM

BUT THAT'S WHY YOU GUYS

ARE HELPING US TO FIND A NEW HOUSE.

WELL, DINNER IS ON. YEAH, YOU KNOW, I GOTTA...

DO YOU WANNA CANCEL? I FORGOT ABOUT DRESSING.

ALRIGHT. ONWARDS AND UPWARDS.

I THINK THIS IS BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

WE WERE ACTUALLY THINKING OF TAKING--FOR HER SUMMER TRIP

NEXT YEAR--TAKING HER TO AFRICA. OH, WONDERFUL.

OUR KID SHOULD EXPERIENCE THAT ONCE.

WE WOULD LOVE TO GO TO AFRICA. I THINK IT'S GONNA BE AGES

UNTIL WE GET THE CHANCE TO GO, WITH ALLEN'S WORK SCHEDULE,

TRYING TO ADD THINGS ON TO THIS--HE'S JUST A MANIAC.

YOU HAVE BEEN DOING A GREAT JOB. I HAVE TO SAY I AM IMPRESSED.

THANKS. LET'S SEE. I MEAN, WE'VE GOT THE X10 AND...

THE FENCE AND, UH,

WE'VE GOT THE NEW FURNITURE AND THE CROWN MOLDING.

WE'VE GOT THE SURROUND SOUND, WE GOT THE WIDE SCREEN TV

AND I'VE GOT TO FINISH UP THE GAZEBO AND THEN, UM,

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT, WOULD BE TO HAVE A POOL

AND THEN MAYBE EVEN A DANCE FLOOR.

WOULD YOU LIKE A DANCE FLOOR?

ANYWAY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME.

I THINK WE SHOULD TOO.

I REALLY--MAYBE NEXT WEEK, YOU KNOW, WE'LL DO DINNER,

MAYBE A LITTLE GRILL IN THE BACKYARD. THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU. WELL, THE ONLY THING IS WE JUST GOT TO, UM, WATCH OUT

WHAT IT IS WE ARE PREPARING

BECAUSE CARRIE'S GONNA HAVE BRACES.

[GASPS]

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL COME OFF IN NO TIME.

YEAH, IT'LL MAKE YOU LOOK A LITTLE OLDER. DON'T WORRY.

NO CORN ON THE COB FOR YOU.

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING ON JULIE'S BRACES FOR?

FOR A COMMISSION CHECK?

OH, ALLEN.

WELL, ACTUALLY, JULIE DOESN'T REALLY NEED BRACES.

SHE'S HAD THAT PERFECT BITE HER WHOLE LIFE PRETTY MUCH.

OK, HERE IS THE SKINNY WITH THIS PROPERTY.

THE OWNERS HAVE ALREADY MOVED OUT,

THEY HAD TO LEAVE IN A HURRY

SO I THINK THAT GIVES US A LITTLE BIT OF LEVERAGE

FOR WHAT WE WANNA DO.

THAT'S A RANCH STYLE HOUSE. YEAH, WELCOME TO THE SUBURBS.

OK, HERE WE ARE.

[BOBBY GASPS]

[LAUGHS]

O.M.G.! UH...PFF... THIS IS IT.

THIS IS OUR FORMAL LIVING ROOM.

Tamika: MM-HM.

NOT LIKE ANYONE'S GONNA COME OUT HERE FOR FORMAL DINNERS

OR ANYTHING, BUT IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, NICE TO HAVE.

SO YOU'LL PUT ALL YOUR NICER PIECES OUT HERE, UM,

COME ON. THE WOOD BURNING, IS THAT WOOD BURNING THERE?

THAT IS GAS AND NO THAT IS NOT TACKY, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

WHEN YOU HAVE LITTLE ONES,

YOU DON'T WANT THEM IN THERE PLAYING

AND GETTING ALL ASHY. RIGHT. RIGHT.

GOT ENOUGH ASH.

HERE, THIS IS A F--BIG BEHEMOTH HERE--THIS IS A FUN THING

AND THIS COMES WITH THE HOUSE.

THEY DIDN'T WANNA PAY TO MOVE IT OUT. SO ALL--

THEY'RE NOT TAKING IT WITH THEM?

NO, THEY'RE NOT. IT'S STAYING HERE

AND IT'S INCLUDED IN THE OFFER.

WELL, WE DON'T PLAY THE-- PIANO. NEITHER OF US PLAYS.

I'M SURE SOMEBODY DOES. I'M SURE SOMEBODY DOES,

BUY A HOUSE, GET A PIANO FREE.

COME ON, LET'S GO SEE THE YARD.

THIS IS REALLY THE JEWEL OF THE WHOLE PROPERTY.

YOU ARE--THIS IS GONNA KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.

THE OPEN FLOOR PLAN CARRIES THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE,

UH, STONE FIREPLACE, BUILT-IN ENTERTAINMENT CENTER.

WOW, LOOK AT THE SPACE IN HERE. Mary: OH, MY GOSH.

THIS ISLAND'S BEAUTIFUL. YOU COULD PUT LIKE A BIG BASKET

OR A GIANT WOODEN CHICKEN. IT'S SO ELEGANT.

DON'T TOUCH. OH, SORRY.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,

IS THERE AN AUTOMATED, UH, SPRINKLER SYSTEM?

YOU MAY ASK THAT QUESTION AND I WILL ANSWER IT

AND THE ANSWER IS YES,

AUTOMATIC SPRINKLERS. AND LOOK, A GAZEBO

YOU CAN START YOUR OWN CHURCH.

NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS. THAT'S REAL STONE, THAT'S NOT FAUX STONE.

YEAH, I TOUCHED IT.

OH, RICHARD.

YEAH. THIS IS HUGE.

YEAH, LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE VAULTED CEILINGS, EXPOSED BEAM.

IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE, HUH?

WE'RE GONNA GET THE PRICE DOWN FOR YOU, TOO,

AND THAT'S THE GOOD THING.

TOM--TOM AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT IT-- UH-OH, TALKING.

YEAH, THE INTEREST RATES HAVE DROPPED SINCE THE--

THE THING IN THE MIDDLE EAST, THE--

OH, YEAH. I SAW THAT ON CNN YESTERDAY.

YEAH. INTEREST RATES HAVE PLUMMETED.

SO WE DON'T NEED TO DO ANY MORE OF THAT.

DID YOU SEE THE GUYS ARM JUST COME FLYING OFF?

NO, I DIDN'T. WHO HAS A CAMERA SET UP THERE?

WHAT WE'RE SAYING IS THAT WE DON'T NEED TO DO ANY OTHER STUFF

THAT YOU DO. OH, TOM,

YOU'RE DOING THE PANSY THING AGAIN.

DO YOU SEE IT? DO YOU FEEL IT?

HE IS NOT A PANSY, HE IS A STRONG MAN.

SO WHAT'S HE, A MOMMA'S BOY-- WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL IT.

BUT WE GOT-- WE GOTTA STICK WITH THE PLAN.

THAT'S INSULTING. WE MADE A DEAL, RIGHT?

WE DIDN'T MAKE A DEAL. WE DIDN'T SIGN A DEAL.

LET'S CALM DOWN, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE VIEW.

LET'S THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A MOMENT.

LOOK AT THIS VIEW. LOOK OUT THIS WINDOW

AND TELL ME YOU DON'T LOVE THAT. OH, TOM, THIS IS--

LOOK AT THAT. IT'S A HUGE BACK YARD.

OK, THIS IS NOT GOOD, THOUGH.

NO, NO, NO. RICHARD!

NO, WE--WE--THIS IS WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT,

WE DON'T WANNA DO-- DON'T LAY A HAND.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET THE PRICE DOWN?

THIS PLACE IS IMMACULATE. WE CAN AFFORD THIS PLACE.

BUT YOU CAN AFFORD IT MORE IF YOU LET ME DO MY JOB.

WE DON'T NEED TO SAVE ANYTHING!

JUST PUT IT AWAY, PLEASE.

JUST ONE. OH.

HI. AFTERNOON. HELLO.

AFTERNOON. HELLO. HI.

WE'RE JUST GONNA TAKE OUT THE BACK YARD.

Both: CHECK OUT-- WE'RE GONNA CHECK IT OUT.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

OK, SO HERE WE COME TO THE HEART OF THE HOUSE.

I THINK YOU'LL AGREE. WOW.

UM, ANOTHER LIVING AREA-- OH, THAT'S ALL NEW MOLDING,

NEW ENTERTAINMENT CENTER, BRAND NEW FIREPLACE. Tamika: IT'S HUGE.

CUSTOM WINDOW TREATMENTS. THOSE WILL BE INCLUDED.

AND THEN RIGHT HERE WE REALLY HAVE A COOK'S KITCHEN.

Tamika: I DON'T COOK.

SHE DOESN'T COOK. WELL, YEAH.

WE ALL START OUT NOT COOKING AND THEN WE END UP COOKING,

DON'T WE?

THIS IS NICE.

THIS IS KIND OF A PROVINCIAL THEME.

YEAH, SEE HOW THE WATER GOES ON AND OFF.

JUST LIKE IT DOES IN EVERY HOUSE I'VE SHOWN YOU.

OK. THE MASTER BEDROOM.

IT HAS THE HIGH VAULTED CEILINGS, ANOTHER CEILING FAN,

SOUTHERN EXPOSURE, LOTS OF LIGHT AND WARMTH THROUGH THE WINDOWS

AND A FIREPLACE.

YEAH, JUST BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.

IF THIS WERE ON THE MARKET WHEN KELLY AND I WERE LOOKING,

WE'D BE THE ONES WRITING THE OFFER.

REALLY? YEAH.

BUT THE MARKET CAN BE CRUEL SOMETIMES THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW? MMM, YEAH.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, IT DOES LEAVE YOU TWO...

IN A REALLY GOOD POSITION.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THIS COULD BE IT. IT'S FANTASTIC.

OF ALL THE PLACES WE'VE SEEN, I MEAN THIS IS--

THIS IS AMAZING. IT'S PRETTY PERFECT.

YEAH.

OK.

SO, UM...

WE'LL DO IT. OH! THAT'S TERRIFIC.

SO, LISTEN, UM, HOW SHOULD WE PUT THE OFFER IN?

BECAUSE, I MEAN, I'D LOVE TO KNOW--

AND WE HAVE THE KITCHEN. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Tom: OH, THIS IS HUMONGOUS.

Dawn: TOM, THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS IMAGINED FOR US.

BOXED UP. THESE PEOPLE ARE READY TO GO.

WHICH MEANS THEY'RE READY TO SELL.

[SMASHING]

SURE. LOOK AT THIS ISLAND.

Richard: YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? Dawn: IT'S MARBLE?

MARBLE. YEAH.

WAS MARBLE. CHECK THIS OUT.

HEY, COME ON. RICHARD!

[SIGHS]

IT'S PERFECT JUST THE WAY IT IS. IT'S PERFECT.

IT'S PERFECT.

WELL, LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THE FEATURES. WE'VE GOT, UH...

BUILT-IN MICROWAVE. NOT BAD, RIGHT?

STONE TILES, UM...

BIG REFRIGERATOR, IT'S COMING WITH THE PLACE.

Dawn: IT'S HUGE. EVERYTHING'S--I CAN'T STOP.

Tom: YEAH, IT IS, IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

SO, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WILL BE

FROM THE TIME WE PUT IN THE OFFER

TILL WE HEAR ABOUT THE HOUSE?

OH, THESE SELLERS, WE'RE GONNA KNOW RIGHT AWAY.

[LAUGHS] WE'RE GONNA TAKE IT!

SO, WE'RE GONNA GO AHEAD WITH THIS.

DO YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE OFFER?

WELL, I MEAN, IT DOESN'T HAVE A POOL.

AH! JUST KIDDING. WE'RE GONNA GET A HOUSE.

YOU. [LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

IF THIS HAD BEEN A MONTH EARLIER,

THIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE JACOBSEN HOUSE.

INSTEAD... IT'S OURS.

Bobby: OH, MAN.

MORE VAULTED CEILINGS. ANOTHER CEILING FAN.

YEAH, YOU LIKE THEM? YEAH.

YOU KNOW...

ANOTHER GAS FIREPLACE. FIREPLACE IN THE MASTER BEDROOM.

THAT IS... VERY NICE.

THROW A...LEOPARD RUG DOWN THERE.

WE COULD PULL UP THE CARPET AND PUT SOME HARDWOOD BOARDS.

TAKE THAT OUT.

I MEAN, THE KIDS' BEDROOMS ARE REALLY NICE,

THE BACKYARD, THE KITCHEN.

Tamika: I LIKE IT. Bobby: THE BATHTUB? OH, COME ON...

YOU LIKE IT? I LIKE IT.

YOUR OWN PROPERTY, KIDS.

CAN WE DO THIS? I THINK WE CAN DO THIS.

YEAH. [BOTH LAUGH]

OH!

I'M OK.

LET'S-- DON'T SQUISH THE FETUS.

YEAH, COME ON, LET'S WRITE AN OFFER.

IF WE DON'T GET ON THIS, OK?

RICHARD? TOM?

THERE WILL BE TWO OFFERS MADE ON THIS HOUSE THIS AFTERNOON.

TWO OFFERS, TOM. BY WHO?

THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT COUPLES LOOKING AT THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW

AND I OVERHEARD BOTH OF THEM.

THEY'RE REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.

SWEETIE, IF WE WANNA DO THIS,

WE GOTTA MAKE UP OUR MIND NOW.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK THIS IS OUR HOME.

I MEAN, I FELT LIKE THAT WHEN WE FIRST CAME IN.

I MEAN, DID YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT WHEN WE FIRST CAME IN?

I FELT INCREDIBLE. THIS BATHROOM IS HUGE.

IT'S PERFECT. IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO?

LET'S DO IT.

RICHAR--

OH, GOD. SWEETIE.

RICHARD!

OH, MY--TOM!

RICHARD! RICHARD!

STOP--STOP IT! RICHARD!

STOP IT, RICHARD! RICHARD, RICHARD.

TOM, TOM, LOOK, LOOK, I KNOW THIS LOOKS UNORTHODOX.

IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL, IT'S A STANDARD PROCEDURE.

IT'S NOT A STANDARD PROCEDURE.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT STANDARD PROCEDURE IS.

WELL, YOU MAYBE NEED TO GO BACK TO BASIC.

WHOA! WHAT'S WITH THE TONE THERE, TOM?

I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS, TRYING TO GET THIS HOUSE HERE.

NO, WE'RE NOT FRIENDS, OK?

THAT'S INSANE!

YOU JUST POINT YOUR FINGER AT ME? YEAH, I DID!

YOU POINTED YOUR FINGER AT ME? YEAH.

ARE WE TAKING THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL?

IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING? YES.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE MAN ENOUGH TO, OK?

SO LET ME JUST DO MY JOB. NO!

DO IT, TOM! GET HIM!

YOU LITTLE--UGH!

WHAT DO YOU WANT, TOM? YOU WANT THE HOUSE!

YOU WANT THE HOUSE, TOM!

TOM, THRUST HIM TO THE GROUND.

Dawn: GO TO THE LEFT OF HIM! GO BACK ROUND, GET HIS BACK!

YOU'RE STRONGER THAN THAT, TOM.

ROLL BACK.

TOM, ROLL TOWARDS MY VOICE.

ROLL TOWARDS MY VOICE, TOM.

YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?

YOU'RE ALMOST ON TOP AGAIN.

THIS IS OUR LIFE. GET ON TOP, TOM.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. HOLD HIM, HOLD HIM STEADY.

Dawn: * WIDE

* I CANNOT GET O'ER Tom: GET OFF ME!

Dawn: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HI! HELLO.

HI. HAVE A SEAT.

OK. HERE?

MM-HM.

ON YOUR ANTIQUE STOOLS? SIT, PLEASE.

OH, SWEETHEART. I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.

DON'T SCRATCH THE FLOOR. SORRY.

WELL, WE FOUND THE HOME OF OUR DREAMS THIS MORNING.

WILLOW CREST. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

IT'S AN AMAZING HOUSE. IT'S, UH, FINALLY FOR ME, ROOM.

ROOM.

ARE WE READY TO MAKE AN OFFER? YES, WE ARE.

BAD NEWS.

THERE ARE MULTIPLE OFFERS COMING IN ON THAT PROPERTY.

IT'S QUITE THE HOT TICKET OUT THERE IN NOWHERESVILLE

SO YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO BID OVER THE ASKING PRICE

IF YOU THINK YOU EVEN HAVE A SHOT AT GETTING IT.

SO HOW MUCH OVER DO YOU WANNA TO GO?

IT'S A LITTLE TROUBLING BECAUSE WE COULD AFFORD THE ASKING PRICE

BUT NOW WITH MULTIPLE BIDDERS,

I'M NOT SO SURE THAT WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO AFFORD THE HOME.

TAMIKA IS GONNA STAY HOME WITH THE BABY

AND I'LL BE THE ONLY ONE WORKING

AND THE SAD REALITY IS THAT...

I DON'T THINK WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO DO IT.

SO, I'M THINKING THAT WE SHOULD WRITE A LETTER TO THE SELLER

TO CONVINCE HER THAT WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE

AND TO LOOK PAST, YOU KNOW,

THE DOLLAR SIGNS AND...

AND THINK ABOUT WHO IS GOING TO BE

TAKING OVER HER-- HER OLD HOUSE.

YOU WANNA WRITE A LETTER...TO THE SELLER?

I THINK IT'S BEST. GREAT.

WILL YOU C.C. IT TO SANTA CLAUS FOR ME?

RICHARD? MM?

WE ARE PREPARED TO WRITE A FULL PRICE OFFER

ON WILLOW CREST. DAWN,

LISTEN TO ME. IT IS GOING INTO MULTIPLE OFFERS, OK?

THAT'S NOT GONNA MATTER, WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT,

WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC. 725, THEN.

I THINK WE SHOULD DO 725. IF IT'S GOING INTO MULTIPLE OFFERS,

THEN WE SHOULD DO HIGHER THAN THE FULL PRICE

THEN PEOPLE WON'T WANT TO BID THAT HIGH

AND WE'LL SECURE THE HOUSE THAT WAY.

TOM, 700,000.

I DON'T THINK YOU SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

IS THAT IF WE-- IF WE SECURE THE HOUSE,

THEN NOBODY IS GONNA WANT TO BID THAT MUCH

AND WE HAVE THE MONEY SO WE CAN DO IT.

SO THAT--THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I--

JUST LET ME HELP YOU.

I'VE GOT FRIENDS IN THE MIDDLE EAST WHO CAN DO MAGIC

WITH--WITH THE HOMELAND SECURITY THING A--A--AND BRING

THE--THE--THE LEVEL TO ORANGE AND FREAK PEOPLE OUT

AND BRING THE INTEREST RATES DOWN.

WE'LL GET THIS HOUSE FOR YOU. NO!

ONE RABBIT THROWN THROUGH THE WINDOW

AND THEY WILL BRING THE PRICE-- NO!

NO!

WE'RE NOT DOING EITHER OF THOSE.

WE'RE NOT THROWING RABBITS THROUGH THE WINDOWS ANYMORE

AND WE'RE NOT DOING SOME...

GEO POLITICAL INTEREST RATE HOME SECURITY THING.

WE'RE DOING A NORMAL BID.

LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. AND WE'RE GONNA DO THE BID BY FAX

OR EMAIL, OR WHATEVER IS FASTER.

BY BICYCLE COURIER IF WE HAVE TO.

I KNOW PEOPLE THAT RIDE BIKES. OK?

AND I WANT YOU TO DO IT RIGHT NOW

AND I WANT YOU TO WRITE IT ON THAT PIECE OF PAPER.

FINE, WHAT'S YOUR BID?

$725,000.

TOM, 700,000.

YOU DID NOT HEAR ME!

I SAID 725.

700!

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING.

OKAY. CATFISH! [LAUGHS] OK.

[SIGHS]

THIS LOOKS GOOD.

YEAH, I THINK SO TOO.

IT'S GREAT. SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

YOU WILL TAKE WHAT YOU P-- TOOK FROM MY TRAY

AND YOU WILL PUT IT BACK ON THE TRAY.

OH-- IMMEDIATELY.

Both: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I HAD A WORLD WAR 2 CIGARETTE LIGHTER ON MY TRAY

AND I WANT IT RETURNED.

ARE YOU INFERRING THAT I TOOK YOUR WORLD WAR 2 LIGHTER?

I'M NOT INFERRING IT, I'M FLAT OUT SAYING IT.

YOU ARE SITTING RIGHT HERE. I HAD A LIGHTER

AND NOW MY LIGHTER'S GONE.

YES... SO GIVE IT BACK.

...WE ARE SITTING RIGHT HERE AND YOU HAVE BEEN SITTING THERE

THE WHOLE TIME, HILLARY. WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, HILLARY,

I DO NOT HAVE YOUR LIGHTER. HE DOESN'T HAVE YOUR LIGHTER.

I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU COMING IN TO MY HOME

AND TAKING MY THINGS.

AFTER I HAVE BUSTED MY BUTT FOR YOU, SISTER FRIEND. WE DON'T TAKE YOUR THINGS.

I'M NOT YOUR SISTER FRIEND

FIRST OF ALL, OK? SHE IS NOT YOUR SISTER FRIEND

AND WE DO NOT APPRECIATE THAT TYPE OF TONE WITH US.

WE ARE--YOU ARE HIRED BY US.

LIGHT UP A BLUNT IN THE CAR-- MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU TOOK IT.

THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS!

I WILL NOT HAVE YOU TALKING TO US LIKE THAT.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? BLUNT?

WHAT KIND OF MOTIVATION COULD WE HAVE

TO TAKE YOUR STUPID LIGHTER?

WE DON'T NEED YOUR LIGHTER, OK?

WE'RE DOING VERY WELL. WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT IS A BLUNT?

NOBODY NEEDS A LIGHTER, NOBODY NEEDS ANYTHING

BUT IF IT'S RIGHT THERE AND YOU CAN TAKE IT, WHY NOT?

I MEAN, DON'T WE OWE YOU FOR EVERY OTHER THING

THAT'S EVER HAPPENED IN LIFE?

WHAT? WHAT...

OWE? ...ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

AND WHAT IS A BLUNT?

YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO HAVE GONE TO COLLEGE

BUT I COULDN'T GET A SCHOLARSHIP--

I WILL HAVE THE N.A.A.C.P. SO FAR UP YOUR BUTT... ...WHAT HAPPENED 200 YEARS AGO.

200? 200 YEARS AGO? YOU WILL BLEED.

OH, YOU WILL? YES, YES, I WILL.

TAKE ME TO DINNER FIRST.

I'VE CERTAINLY SPENT ENOUGH MONEY ON YOU TWO.

JUST PUT IT DOWN ON THE TRAY AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, OK? WE DON'T HAVE YOUR LIGHTER.

I WOULD GLADLY LOVE TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. I'M SO DONE WITH THE TWO OF YOU.

I'M DONE-- YOU'VE REALLY--

THIS YOUR LIGHTER?

THE ONE THAT, UH, OBVIOUSLY HAS FALLEN FROM YOUR DESK

INTO YOUR CURTAIN.

IS THIS THE LIGHTER?

THANK YOU.

I'M JUST GONNA NEED YOU TO INITIAL THIS.

WELL, WE PUT A, UM--WE PUT A BID IN ON WILLOW CREST,

WHICH IS A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, JUST HAS EVERYTHING WE WANT

AND ALLEN, HE'S DONE SO MUCH WITH THIS HOUSE.

YOU CAN SEE IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL.

AND UM...

I JUST DON'T THINK...

I'M QUITE READY FOR...

HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I JUST--

I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS.

HONEY? HONEY?

ARE YOU OK? WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T WANNA LEAVE, ALLEN.

HEY. HEY. [SOBBING]

HEY, COULD YOU GUYS GO AWAY, PLEASE?

Man: SO, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN FEELING?

GREAT. MOODY.

MOODY? HE ASKED ME HOW I WAS FEELING,

I FEEL GREAT. I KNOW.

HE DIDN'T ASK YOU. I KNOW.

THIS IS GONNA BE COLD FOR A SECOND. SHE'S UPSET A LOT, YOU KNOW?

IT'S OK. WARM UP IN A SECOND.

OK. SHE'S BEEN PUKING A LOT TOO.

OH, THAT IS VERY NORMAL FOR THIS TIME PERIOD IT'S VERY NORMAL

FOR THIS TIME PERIOD. SURE.

LET'S CHECK THE SCREEN, SEE WHAT WE FIND.

AND...THERE IS YOUR BABY. THAT'S IT?

MM-HM.

Doctor: THERE'S YOUR BABY AT SEVEN WEEKS.

[SNIFFS]

[SIGHS] EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT.

HONEY, THAT'S OUR BABY.

Doctor: IF YOU'D LIKE, I COULD GET YOU A PICTURE OF THIS.

Tamika: YES. Bobby: YES, PLEASE.

Doctor: SURE, I'D BE HAPPY TO.

I'LL LEAVE THE SEAT DOWN, OK? OK.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE. COMING!

PETER! HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

ALLEN, HOW ARE YOU? HI, PETER!

COME ON IN. IT'S PETER. CAN I GET YOU SOME JUICE OR--

NO, THANK YOU. I THINK I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.

OK. ALRIGHT.

WHAT'S UP? WELL...

BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS TYPE OF THING, YOU KNOW.

UH, UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS ANOTHER BUYER

FOR THE WILLOW CREST PROPERTY.

AH. WE THOUGHT THAT MIGHT HAPPEN.

BUT WE DO HAVE A BUYER THAT WROTE AN OFFER

ABOVE ASKING PRICE FOR YOUR HOME.

REALLY? OH, WOW!

ALL THIS WORK YOU HAVE DONE

HAS--HAS REALLY RAISED THE PROPERTY VALUE.

IT'S JUST INCREDIBLE. YOU SHOULD BE VERY HAPPY.

WE ARE. WE'RE-- WE'RE VERY HAPPY.

FANTASTIC. GOOD FOR YOU.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WE ARE...HAPPY.

GOOD. HERE, I MEAN.

YOU KNOW, UH, PETER, WE WERE GONNA CALL YOU

BECAUSE WHAT WE'VE REALIZED FROM ALL OF THIS

IS THAT... WE'RE HAPPY HERE.

AND I THINK WE'RE GONNA TAKE THE HOUSE OFF THE MARKET.

BUT, YOU KNOW, PETER, IT--IT WAS YOU THAT HELPED US REALIZE--

YOU DID SUCH A GREAT JOB, PETER. OH, MY GOODNESS.

THERE FROM THE BEGINNING. WOULD YOU LIKE A MUFFIN?

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE GREAT NEWS IS?

WE'RE STILL GONNA BE NEIGHBORS, NEIGHBOR.

[LAUGHS]

OH! ALLEN! [COUGHS]

WHAT'D I SAY?

Dawn: CAN I JUST GET ONE, TOM? Tom: WELL, HONEY, NO.

JUST ONE FOR LUCK.

ALL RIGHT, ONE.

GET ONE, A SMALL ONE.

[CELL PHONE]

HOLD ON, HOLD ON, IT'S MY PHONE.

IT'S RICHARD.

HELLO?

OK.

UM...

OK.

WELL, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT, RICHARD.

DA--

NO, OK, THANK YOU.

DAWN, DAWN, DAWN, DAWN, DAWN, DAWN, DON'T--DON'T--

DON'T PUT THEM IN THE BAG, IT'S OK, IT'S OK.

[SCREAMS] I WANTED THAT HOUSE!

NO, IT'S FINE, IT--

[WAILS]

IT--NO, I-- [SCREECHES]

IT'S OK, IT'S OK, IT'S OK.

[SOBBING] IT'S OK. IT--

DAWN, DAWN, DAWN, THERE'S OTHER HOUSES,

THERE'LL BE TONS OF HOUSES.

THERE'S MILLIONS OF HOUSES OUT THERE.

OK. [SCREECHES]

* OH THE RIVER IS WIDE * ...WIDE

* I CANNOT CROSS O'ER

* AND NEITHER HAVE I THE WINGS TO FLY *

[WAILS] FEEL BETTER?

Bobby: ORPA? Tamika: ORFA?

ORPA. ORPA.

THAT'S DIFFERENT. THAT IS DIFFERENT, YEAH.

I KINDA LIKE THAT. MM-HM.

BRETT. BRETT'S A LITTLE TOO WHITE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] IT'S OPEN!

ELVIRA. MM-HM.

HI, HOW ARE YOU? HEY!

HILLARY.

HI. HELLO.

YOU GOT THE HOUSE. Bobby: WE GOT THE HOUSE?

OH, MY! OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, MWAH! MWAH!

[BOTH LAUGH]

COME ON, HILLARY.

IT'S OK.

[SNIFFS] THANK YOU.

[SNIFFS] THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU.

[SOBS]

IT'S OK.

[WAILS] I'M A JACKASS! NO, NO.

NO, YOU'RE NOT A JACKASS.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SO GREAT TO ME.

IT'S OK.

I'M A JACKASS! NO, YOU'RE NOT BAD.

NO.

I'M NOT A RACIST. I'M NOT A RACIST.

YOU WERE JUST UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.

I'M ALWAYS UNDER STRESS!

[WAILS INCOHERENTLY]

IT'S OK.

I THINK I PEED ON MYSELF. I'M SORRY.

OH.

SHE'S...

SHE'S PREGNANT, SO...

HER BLADDER IS VERY SENSITIVE. YEAH.

CONGRATULATIONS. CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU.

I LOVE MARSHMALLOWS.

YEAH? WELL, HELP YOURSELF.

THANKS.

YEAH, SHE'S NOT HERE, SO, YEAH, YOU CAN EAT 'EM.

SHE'S PROTECTIVE OF THOSE TOO.

EBONY AND IVORY. YEAH.

WE DON'T HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, DO WE?

NO. NO, OK.

I'M GONNA...GO HERE.

[SNIFFS] I RESPECT YOUR PEOPLE.

Mary: HURRY UP, ALLEN, THE MOVIE'S STARTING! Carrie: COME ON, DAD!

Allen: OK, HERE I COME.

TWO AND A HALF MINUTES FOR THE POPCORN.

EVERYBODY READY?

IT--IT TURNS OUT WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY GET A NEW HOUSE--

I MEAN, LIKE, IN TERMS OF BUYING ANOTHER HOUSE BUT...

WE ACTUALLY GOT A NEW HOUSE HERE.

Mary: AND WE LOVE IT.

WE ABSOLUTELY ADORE THIS PLACE.

IT--IT'S BEEN A FEW MONTHS NOW AND I'M ACTUALLY WORKING ON

A CAREER CHANGE. I'M TAKING CLASSES...

TELL THEM.

HE'S GONNA BECOME A REAL ESTATE AGENT.

I THINK IT'S JUST A GAS!

I MEAN, IT WAS A NO-BRAINER.

I MEAN, PETER, WHO TAUGHT ME A GREAT DEAL,

HAD HE SOLD OUR HOUSE

AND HELPED US BUY A NEW ONE,

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 6%, 3% ON EACH HOME.

THAT'S A HECK OF A LOT OF MORE. Mary: YEP.

THROUGH THIS PROCESS, I LEARNED TO LISTEN TO MY WIFE A BIT TOO.

AND I LEARNED TO LISTEN TO MY INSTINCTS

FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

I ALSO LEARNED YOU CAN MAKE CROUTONS.

[GRUNTS] YOU GOT IT?

HELLO, LITTLE ONES. HI, BABIES. HI, GUYS!

HEY, LOOK AT WHO'S GOT A TREAT FOR YOU.

LOOK WHO'S GOT A TREAT FOR YOU.

WELL, WE, UH, WE DIDN'T GET WILLOW CREST.

WHO KNEW IT WOULD MAKE US THIS HAPPY?

YEAH, WE ARE-- WE ARE A LITTLE BIT RELIEVED.

LOOK AT BIG STRONG DADDY WITH YOUR FOOD.

THE HOUSE HUNT IS TEMPORARILY ON HOLD.

BUT IT'S A GOOD HOLD, IT'S A POSITIVE HOLD

IT'S A THOUGHT OUT HOLD.

THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE SAVING SOME MONEY

AND I DON'T NEED MOST OF THIS STUFF.

SO IT'S WORKING OUT WELL.

AND I FEEL LIKE WE CAN REALLY FIND THE HOUSE THAT WE WANT...

YOU KNOW, FOR THE PRICE THAT WE WANNA PAY.

AND, UH, WE'RE BEING SMART ABOUT IT.

YEAH. AND I DON'T THINK WE'LL BE PRESSURED INTO ANYTHING

OR ANY KIND OF, YOU KNOW, COMPROMISED SITUATIONS

NEXT TIME. YEAH.

AND THESE GUYS ARE GETTING USED TO THE STORAGE UNIT.

Dawn: I THINK THEY LIKE IT. I THINK THEY DO.

WE COULD ALWAYS LIVE IN HERE. [LAUGHS]

WITH THESE TWO. WITH THESE GUYS, AND GO BLIND.

UH, THAT'S--THAT'S REALLY IT.

RICHARD, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE RICHARD IS.

Dawn: WELL, EVERY TIME THE SECURITY ALERT GOES TO ORANGE,

WE THINK OF IT AS A LITTLE HELLO FROM RICHARD.

RIGHT. RICHARD, AGENT ORANGE.

WE KEEP OUR POWER TOOLS UNDER OUR BED.

I'M SURE HE'S ALIVE.

Tamika: WE DID IT. Bobby: WE DID IT. WOW!

WE FINALLY, FINALLY DID IT.

I--I FEEL SO COMPLETE, YOU KNOW?

IT--IT'S BEEN A CRAZY RIDE, IT'S--IT HAS BEEN, YOU KNOW,

AND JUST HAVING LITTLE REGGIE HERE--

HE'S TWO DAYS SHY OF FIVE MONTHS NOW.

WHO'S THE NEXT JOHNNIE COCHRAN?

ME! WHO'S THE NEXT JOHNNIE COCHRAN?

ME! YAY!

THE DECISION TO BE A STAY-AT-HOME MOM CAME ABOUT

BECAUSE I MADE A PROMISE TO MY MOTHER

THAT IF I HAD A CHILD, I WOULD BE A STAY-AT-HOME MUM.

Bobby: THAT NIGHT, I HAD HER SIGN A CONTRACT.

I'M KIDDING! NO, I REALLY DID.

I HAD HER SIGN ONE. YEAH.

WE ARE SURROUNDED BY TONS AND TONS OF WHITE PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW THAT? YEP.

SINCE WE MOVED IN, WE'VE GOTTEN RID OF THE PARISIAN PROVINCIAL--

UGH--AND WE PAINTED THE MASTER BEDROOM

A DEEP RICH RED...

CHIANTI.

AND WHAT WE HAVE IN THERE

IS THIS LOVELY, ANTIQUE CHAISE LONGUE

THAT I LOVE TO SIT ON AND SING AND READ TO REGGIE ON.

"WHEN EPOSSUMONDAS GOT HOME,

"HIS MAMA LOOKED AT THAT FIST FULL OF CRUMBS

"AND SHE SAID, 'EPOSSUMONDAS, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR HAND?'"

HE LOVES REGGIE AND MOMMY TIME.

Bobby: HE LIKES WHEN I SING TOO TO HIM, THOUGH.

REG! REG. REG!

[LOUD] * HUSH LITTLE BABY HONEY. HONEY. BOBBY.

BOBBY, THAT'S WHY-- YOU'RE SINGING TOO LOUDLY.

HE SINGS TOO LOUD AND IT SCARES HIM.

LOOK AT HOW HE'S LOOKING AT YOU, YOU STARTLE HIM LIKE THAT,

IF YOU SING IN A NICE SOFT, SMOOTH VOICE,

HE'LL LIKE IT BETTER. HE SEEMED TO LIKE IT.

MGH! OH...

HE OBJECTS. SORRY.

OBJECTION! [LAUGHS]

ALRIGHT.

WHO IS THAT? WHO IS THAT?

[ANIMAL NOISES] WHO IS THAT?

Tamika: WHAT WE DID WITH THE NURSERY,

IS WE HAVE A LOT OF BUILT-INS

AND ON THE SHELVES WE BOUGHT TOLSTOY FOR TODDLERS...

Bobby: PRE-LAW FOR BABIES. Tamika: MM-HM.

UH, BABY EINSTEIN AND--

Bobby: WE HAVE SOME IMAGERY IN HIS ROOM.

Tamika: MONEY EQUALS POWER Bobby: AND POWER EQUALS SUCCESS.

AND THAT'S WHAT REGGIE IS--

A POWERFUL, SUCCESSFUL, MONEY-DRIVEN LITTLE BABY.

[LOUD] * LULLABY AND GOODNIGHT *

[MUFFLED] HE'S EATING YOUR FOOT.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YOU GOT HIM? YEAH.

OK. I'M EATING YOU.

Bobby: AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE,

I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD BE ANY HAPPIER

THAN WHAT I AM RIGHT NOW.

BOTH OF US.

I DON'T THINK I COULD BE ANY HAPPIER EITHER.

[SILLY VOICE] WHO'S AT THE DOOR?

[GASPS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--