All language subtitles for Closing.Escrow.2007.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Man: DO THE BIG--BIG ONES.

DO THE BIG CIRCLES.
YOU WANT THE BIG CIRCLES?

DO THE BIG CIRCLES.

BIG RIBBON, BIG RIBBON.

DO THE TINY ONES.
THE TINY--THE TEENY ONES.

[LAUGHS]
JUST LIKE THIS, JUST FOR YOU?

YEAH, THEY LOOK LIKE SNAKES.

I LIKE THE TINY ONES BETTER,
I THINK.

THEY'RE SO PETITE.

DO THE--THE SICK TURTLE.

[WHIMPERS]
WHY IS HE SICK?

'CAUSE HE LIVES
IN THIS HOUSE.

Woman: WELL, THE HOUSE
WE LIVE IN NOW, IT'S FINE,

BUT IT HAS A HISTORY.

I'VE LIVED HERE
FOR NINE MONTHS.

AND I'VE LIVED HERE
FOR SIX YEARS.

WHY WAS HE HERE WITHOUT ME
FOR SIX YEARS, YOU MIGHT ASK.

BECAUSE HE WAS MARRIED TO
ANOTHER WOMAN BEFORE HE MET ME.

WHICH IS PART OF THE REASON

WE'RE LOOKING TO MOVE.

Woman: PICTURE FRAMES?

ANYONE INTERESTED
IN BUYING PICTURES TODAY?

HI, GUYS.
HOW ARE YOU GUYS?

WE'VE ACTUALLY GOT
A SPECIAL TODAY.

EVERYTHING IS HALF PRICE
IF YOU TAKE THESE FOUR FRAMES.

Man: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

OH, THAT'S MY EX-WIFE.

YOU CAN--

Dawn: TOM AND I MET...

WE WERE INTRODUCED BY FATE.

IT'S NOT A PERSON.

IT WAS A YEAR AND A HALF OF, UH,

OF DAWN JUST SORT OF POPPING UP
IN MY LIFE IN RANDOM PLACES.

SHE'S, I GUESS, I--

WE'VE ALWAYS SAID
THAT IT'S--

YOU'VE ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT
IT WAS MORE OF A WOOING.

MY WIFE SAID
IT WAS A STALKING.

AND I FELT LIKE
IT WAS AN HONOR.

EVERYTHING FOR FREE, YEAH,
TAKE THE PICTURES.

OK. THANK YOU.
GREAT.

WHEN LOVE IS WHAT YOU ARE AFTER,

THERE'S NOTHING
THAT'S TOO BIG.

I SET HIS LAWN ON FIRE.

SHE SET MY WHOLE LAWN
ON FIRE.

THIS IS THE JAGUAR S-TYPE.

4.2 LITER, 390 HORSEPOWER,
SUPERCHARGED V8.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

WO-HO-HO! WOW.

CHUKKA-CHUKKAH!
[LAUGHS]

OH. OH. [PURRS]

BE CAREFUL, SWEETHEART.
I'M GOOD.

WELL, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED
FOR THREE MONTHS NOW.

WE'RE NEWLYWEDS.
YEAH.

AND WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER--
HOW LONG? SIX YEARS. YEAH.

UH, YEAH, SIX YEARS,
UH, NEXT MONTH.

ACTUALLY, UH,
WE MET IN LAW SCHOOL.

YEAH, WE MET IN LAW SCHOOL.

I'LL LOWER IT A LITTLE BIT.
FOR THIS PRICE...

YOU CAN TAKE THIS CAR
RIGHT NOW.

WOW.
YEAH.

THAT'S ACTUALLY A VERY FAIR
PRICE THERE.

WHAT?

WE'RE ATTORNEYS.
MM-HM.

I'M A LITIGATING ATTORNEY
AND...BOBBY?

AND I--I BASICALLY
CRUNCH NUMBERS.

DON'T MAKE ME TAKE OUT A
CALCULATOR AND CHECK YOUR MATH,

BECAUSE I KNOW
YOU'RE PATTING YOUR PROFIT.

I'M NOT STUPID!

ALRIGHT? SO...

Bobby: SHE'S A JUNIOR PARTNER
IN A LAW FIRM.

JUST MADE JUNIOR.
I JUST GOT A PROMOTION.

SHE IS, UH, UNSTOPPABLE.
[* RAP ON STEREO]

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE, YOU KNOW,

CLASS REUNION AND SHOW UP
WITH...ON MY ARM.

I MEAN...
[GIGGLES]

YEAH.

I GUESS I WAS A GEEK
IN SCHOOL.

I HAD A BAD FLATTOP. UM...

THEY--THEY CALLED IT
A STOVE TOP,

'CAUSE IT WASN'T,
YOU KNOW,

IT WASN'T FULLY FORMED.
[MUMBLING]

BUT, UM...

THAT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.
NOW WE'RE HERE.

NOW WE'RE HERE.
YEAH.

Man: UH, WHAT DO YOU DO TO ME
WHEN WE DRIVE?

Woman: NAG?
Man: BING!

OK. GEORGE THE NEIGHBOR?

DRUNK.
BING.

Woman: WELL, WE'RE VERY PROUD
OF THE FAMILY TIME THAT WE...

WE SPEND TOGETHER.

VERY IMPORTANT.
THIS IS--WELL, IT'S KEY.

I MEAN, I THINK YOU CAN TELL
JUST FROM TALK--I MEAN,

THAT IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING TO US, IS FAMILY.

THIS IS WHEN, UNFORTUNATELY,
YOU GOTTA TAKE OFF A LIMB.

AMPUTATE!

OUR FAVORITE GAME IS TABOO.
YOU--YOU GIVE CLUES TO WORDS--

Man: YEAH.
BUT YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORD

AND YOU CAN'T ACT IT OUT.

NO, IT'S LIKE--LIKE
THAT TV SHOW.

YOU KNOW, WHERE THE STARS
TELL THE NON STARS,

THEY GIVE CLUES AND THEN THEY

COME UP WITH THE ANSWERS.
IT'S SO GREAT.

ALL THE BEST...

BUT CERTAIN WORDS,
YOU CAN NOT SAY.
...GAMESHOWS INVOLVE WORDS.

IF YOU SAY THOSE WORDS,
IT'S...TABOO!

TABOO.

* THE WATER IS WIDE

* I CANNOT CROSS O'ER

* NEITHER HAVE I

* THE WINGS TO FLY

THIS IS--THIS IS THE SONG
THAT DAWN SANG

THE NIGHT THAT SHE LIT
THE YARD ON FIRE.

SHE WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE FIRE SINGING THIS.

* GIVE ME A BOAT

* THAT CAN CARRY TWO

* AND BOTH SHALL CROSS

* MY LOVE AND I

DO YOU HEAR IT? DO YOU HEAR
WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN?

I DIDN'T HAVE A BOAT THOUGH,

I KINDA HAD TO RUN
THROUGH THE FIRE.

ENSHRINE THIS FOR POSTERITY!
OH, LOOK AT THAT!

A SEVEN.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

Man: I'M AN ACCOUNTANT.

Woman: VERY GOOD ONE.

VERY GOOD ACCOUNTANT.
THANK YOU.

I'M A SENIOR ACCOUNTANT.

BUT THE THING IS,
IS THAT I WORK DOWNTOWN.

AND THAT'S ABOUT AN HOUR
FROM HERE EACH WAY EVERY DAY.

AND THAT'S PART OF WHY WE WANNA
MOVE, BECAUSE YOU KNOW,

THIS IS CRITICAL TIME

THAT I WANNA SPEND
WITH MY FAMILY,

INSTEAD OF OUT
ON A FREEWAY EVERY DAY.

YEAH.
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?

LOOK, THE PICTURES
OF THE REALTORS

ARE BIGGER THAN THE PICTURES
OF THE HOMES.

OH, MY GOSH.

WHAT IS SHE TRYING OUT FOR?
MISS TEXAS? RIDICULOUS.

Man: THE OTHER THING IS,
OF COURSE, THAT, UM,

WE ENDED UP HAVING OUR HOUSE
APPRAISED RECENTLY.

THIS HOUSE IS WORTH $575,000.

ISN'T THAT A SCREAM?

I DID--I WAS UCH. I JUST
WENT THROUGH--I WAS CRAZY.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

I MEAN A HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.
YEAH.

A HALF A MILLION.
FOR THIS HOUSE?

WE PAID 77.
SO.

WHEN WE MOVED IN.
AND THAT'S IT.

A HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.

IT'S AMAZING TO ME.

ANYWAY, SO WE'RE CASHING OUT.
THAT'S--

AND WE DIDN'T EVEN PUT
THAT MUCH WORK INTO IT.

YOU NEVER TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

POINT OF ORDER. THAT'S NOT
ENTIRELY ACCURATE.

MAY I INTERJECT?
PROCEED.

Tamika: WELL, THE--THE PLACE
WE'RE IN NOW,

IT'S A 2 BEDROOM, 1 BATH.

AND, UH, WE WANNA DO MORE
WITH THE PLACE BUT, YOU KNOW,

WE CAN'T, 'CAUSE WE RENT AND...

Bobby: DON'T LOOK AT THAT,
THERE--THERE'S PORN.

BUT NOW THAT WE'RE MARRIED, YOU
KNOW, WE WANT A--WE WANT A HOME.

WE WANNA, YOU KNOW,
PLANT OUR ROOTS.

WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?
OOH, THAT ONE HAS A POOL.

I CAN'T SWIM.
OH.

Bobby: AND WE'VE LONG HAD THE,
YOU KNOW, FINANCIAL MEANS

TO MOVE OUT OF...

OH, YEAH, YEAH.
...OUT OF HERE.

WE JUST, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE,

YOU KNOW,
WE BOTH WORK WEEKENDS AND..

TIME AND...
YEAH.

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW I'D LOVE
ANOTHER BATHROOM.

I'D LOVE MY OWN BATHROOM.
ME TOO.

DID YOU GET TOOTHPASTE ON ME?

NO.
HONEY.

Bobby: I HAVEN'T HAD A BATH
IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.

LET'S PUT IT THAT WAY.
I MEAN, 'CAUSE I'M TOO TALL.

HE SHOWERS, IT'S JUST,
YOU KNOW, LIKE A BATH, BATH.

I'M A CLEAN GUY, IT'S JUST THAT,
YOU KNOW, I'M...

ALL CRUNCHED IN THERE
AND...BATHING IN MY OWN FILTH.

BUT EITHER WAY, I MEAN, WE'D
LOVE SOME MORE COUNTER SPACE

AND WE'D LOVE, YOU KNOW,

I'D LOVE A...
HUGE REFRIGERATOR,

AND, UH, THEN OUR MAID, MARDU,
NEEDS A LOT MORE ROOM TO COOK.

HEY...
OH.

THANK YOU, MARDU,
THIS LOOKS GREAT.
IT LOOKS AMAZING.

WOW.
DID YOU FIND...?

NO, IT JUST SAYS WOW.

WHEN LOOKING FOR A NEW HOME,

THERE ARE ALWAYS
GOING TO BE OBSTACLES.

RIGHT.
AND AS A LIFE COACH--

THAT'S WHAT I DO--UM, YOU'RE--
I'M PREPARED FOR OBSTACLES.

ANY TIME YOU WANT SOMETHING,
THERE WILL BE OBSTACLES.

MAYBE YOUR HUSBAND IS MARRIED.

MAYBE SOMEONE'S LIVING
IN YOUR HOME RIGHT NOW,

BUT I KNOW IT'S MY HOME.
WHEN WE FIND OUR HOUSE,

WE'LL KNOW IT'S OURS.

HIGH FIVE.
THAT'S RIGHT, SWEETIE.

HOME MEANS SOMETHING
VERY SPECIAL TO US.

IT'S UM...
MM-HM.

...IT'S NOT JUST A PLACE
WHERE YOU MAKE FOOD.

NO, IT'S A STATE OF MIND.
IT IS.

HOME IS A STATE OF MIND.
I MEAN--

WELL, IT'S GONNA BE HARD
TO LEAVE THIS.

[TEARFUL] WE HAD...

MARKERS ON THE WALLS
WHERE CARRIE'S GROWN AND--

AND ALL THE PETS.
I MEAN, WE HAVE PETS...

IN THE BACKYARD, BURIED,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

THEY'RE VERY IMPORTANT TO CARRIE
THAT THEY'RE HERE WITH US.

YOU KNOW, IT--

IT'S BEEN A GREAT HOME AND, YOU
KNOW, YOU HAVE SO MANY MEMORIES

AND SO MUCH LIFE IN HERE BUT...

IT'S PART OF
A NEW ADVENTURE NOW.

IT'S THE START OF A NEW CHAPTER.

YOU HAVE TO EMBRACE CHANGE.
AND IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

YEAH.
IT'S GONNA BE JUST GREAT, HONEY.

YEAH, IT WILL. IT'S TIME
FOR SOMEBODY ELSE TO...

BURY THEIR OWN PETS
IN THE BACKYARD.
OH, SHHH.

[GASPS] GET IN HERE.
OK.

GET IN HERE. HELLO.
OK, HI.

FIND THE PLACE OK?
YES, YEAH.

HELLO, HILLARY.
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

AS A PROFESSIONAL
REAL ESTATE AGENT,

IT'S EXTREMELY IMPORTANT
FOR MY HOUSE TO BE

A REFLECTION OF WHO I AM
AS A PERSON.

AND I REALLY FEEL THAT
I'VE CAPTURED THAT HERE.

WELCOME TO MY SANCTUARY,
BY THE WAY.

UM...I AM A VERY
CULTURALLY AWARE PERSON.

I DON'T GET TO DO A LOT OF
TRAVELLING BUT I DO HAVE CABLE.

I'M ALWAYS WORKING,

SO, UM, I LIKE TO KIND OF
SURROUND MYSELF

WITH DIFFERENT LITTLE ARTEFACTS
AND THINGS FROM OTHER PLACES

TO REMIND MYSELF THAT, HEY,
I'M PART OF THE WORLD.

I LIKE TO TAKE A SUBMISSIVE
POSTURE WITH MY CLIENTS,

SO THAT YOU ARE AWARE THAT
I AM AWARE THAT I AM YOUR SLAVE.

I WORK FOR YOU.

THIS HERE IS KIND OF
MY LITTLE MEDITATION AREA.

I HAVE MY INCENSE HERE
WHERE I CLEANSE...UM...

MY--MY SPIRIT BEFORE I PRAY
AND REFLECT AND ALL THAT CRAP,

AND THEN I HAVE, UH,
MY TWO GRIFFINS HERE.

MY WELSH GRIFFINS, AND UM...

MY MOROCCAN LANTERNS--ALL MADE
IN TAIWAN AS IT TURNS OUT,

BUT THANK GOD
FOR PIER ONE IMPORTS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I BOUGHT THIS
AT A FLEA MARKET IN GERMANY,

AND THIS IS A WORLD WAR II ERA
CIGARETTE LIGHTER.

UH, I NO LONGER SMOKE,

BUT I LIKE TO KEEP THIS AROUND,
BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME

OF WHERE WE'VE BEEN.

AND WHERE WE DO NOT WANNA
GO BACK TO.

OK? I WILL GO ON RECORD
AS SAYING THAT THE holocaust

WAS A BIG, EMBARRASSING MISTAKE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
I'M WORKING FOR YOU.

I WANT TO MAKE
YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR TODAY?

ALRIGHT.
OK.

DREAM-MAKER.
EXACTLY.

WE WANT A...
A LOFT.

A LOFT.
YES.

IN DOWNTOWN.
DOWNTOWN.

CLOSE TO ALL SPORTING EVENTS?
BASKETBALL?

ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

BASKETBALL? OK.
BASKETBALL.

WHATEVER FLOATS
YOUR BOAT. I--

Hillary:
I'M A REAL ESTATE AGENT!

AND WITH MY MONEY I DO
GOOD THINGS AND GOOD WORKS

AND I WILL GO
INTO THE GHETTO

AND I WILL START
A MUSIC PROGRAM.

[GRUNTS]

TOXIC CLIENTS,
STAY AWAY FROM ME.

* WE'RE PASSING INSPECTION
AND WE'RE DOING IT QUICKLY *

WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS

TAKE IT UP TO 10
OVER BY THE MIRROR

AND THEN I TAKE IT DOWN
TO ZERO HERE,

AND THAT PUTS ME
IN A NEUTRAL SPACE AT 5.

I'M VERY IN TUNE WITH YOU TWO.

YEAH? GOOD.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT NEWS.

YEAH, AND I THINK WE ARE NOT
GONNA WASTE ANY MORE TIME.

ALRIGHT? LET'S JUST LOOK AT SOME
PROPERTIES. LET'S JUMP RIGHT IN.

GREAT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE
IN THAT FOLDER THERE? ARE YOU--

UM...PAPERS.

Tamika: ARE THOSE--
IT'S NOT FOR YOU.

I JUST TALKED TO YOU,
SO I WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING.

BUT I WILL HAVE ONE OF THESE FOR
YOU, WITH YOUR NAMES ON IT...

Tamika: GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT.

...THAT'S JUST FOR YOU.
OK? LET'S DO IT.

HERE IT IS--R23.

Dawn: OUR SECOND HOME.

TOM AND I HAD TO GO AHEAD
AND GET A STORAGE UNIT

BECAUSE OUR CURRENT HOME

IS TOO SMALL.

AND UNFORTUNATELY THAT MEANT
ME PUTTING EVERYTHING I OWN,

ALL MY EARTHLY BELONGINGS,
INTO ONE SPACE

THAT WE PAY $200 A MONTH FOR.

NOW, THAT'S $200 THAT COULD BE
SPENT ON A MORTGAGE.

I FEEL LIKE LANCE ARMSTRONG.

YOU LOOK LIKE LANCE ARMSTRONG
AND I'M SHERYL CROW.

I MEAN, ASIDE FROM
ALL MY EARTHLY BELONGINGS,

WE HAVE OUR PETS
IN STORAGE RIGHT NOW.

MY DOGS ARE IN STORAGE
AND THAT'S NO WAY TO LIVE.

IN OUR NEW HOME, YOU'RE GONNA
RUN FREE, ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

THEY'RE GONNA RUN FREE, WE'RE
GONNA GET A BIG LAWN, UM...

I CAN DANCE
AND THEY CAN DANCE AROUND ME.

THAT'S MY REAL DREAM.

MAX.

IS HE RESPONDING?
NO.

HIS PUPILS AREN'T CHANGING.

I THINK THEY'RE BLIND.

MAX, CAN YOU SEE ME?

Woman: IT'S A GREAT DAY
AT JACOBSON'S REAL ESTATE,

THIS IS FIONA.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

CAN YOU PLEASE HOLD?

Man: I LIKE TO THINK THERE ARE
THREE RULES FOR SELLING HOUSES,

SECRETS IF YOU WILL.

I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T
EVEN BE MENTIONING THEM,

BUT WHAT THE HEY.

NUMBER ONE--YOU'RE NEVER REALLY
SELLING ANYTHING.

IN MY MIND, I'M MATCHING
JUST PEOPLE WITH SITUATIONS.

YOU KNOW? BECAUSE IF YOU'RE
IN IT FOR THE SELLING PART,

OR THE, YOU KNOW,
THE "MONEY" PART,

HEY, I THINK YOU'RE IN IT
FOR THE WRONG REASON.

NUMBER TWO, LOCATION,
LOCATION, LOCATION.

NOW, CLICHÉ, YES,
AND YOU'RE TELLING YOURSELF

MOST PEOPLE HAVE THAT
AS NUMBER ONE.

I HAVE IT AS NUMBER TWO.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

AND LASTLY, WHEN YOU FIRST
WALK INTO A HOUSE,

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER,
BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE.

I'M TELLING YOU WHAT,
MOST HOUSES SMELL BAD.

I'VE TRAINED MYSELF
TO BREATHE THROUGH MY MOUTH

AND IT SAVES ME FROM A LOT OF
EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS,

LET ME TELL YOU.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?
VERY GOOD. THANK YOU.

LOOK AT ALL THIS SPACE.

LOTS FOR MY PLASTICWARE.
THAT'S WONDERFUL.

THE KITCHEN'S JUST BEEN
RECENTLY UPDATED,

SO IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS,
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK.

WHAT'S THIS?

I BRING THESE
TO EVERY OPEN HOUSE,

THEY ARE LOG CABIN,
WIENER CHEESE HOUSES.

OH!
WONDERFUL. TRY ONE.

THAT'S DARLING.
NO, THANKS. I'M JEWISH.

NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT
MARY AND ALLEN FOR A SECOND.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IT'S
SUCH A RELIEF FOR KELLY AND I

TO MEET SUCH A WONDERFUL,

SECURE, ORGANIC
AND WELCOMING COUPLE

TO LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM.

WHAT A RELIEF!
YOU MOVE INTO A NEIGHBORHOOD,

YOU TAKE YOUR CHANCES
AND IT'S JUST--

I'M TELLING YOU WHAT,
THEY'RE GONNA BE

SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL IN OUR
LIVES, I CAN TELL RIGHT NOW.

AFTER ALL, WHAT IS THIS ALL
ABOUT? IT'S ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

UH, MY NAME IS RICHARD BILLOTI.

UH, I'VE BEEN IN THE REAL ESTATE
"BIZ" ON AND OFF.

A FEW YEARS NOW.

I'VE HAD A FEW SIDE PROJECTS
HERE AND THERE...

WAS A GOLF PRO, UH,

I WAS A CIRCUS GEEK
FOR JUST LIKE 2 MONTHS,

AND THEN, UH...

I WAS A FLIGHT ATTENDANT

AND UH, WELL, UH,
TOO MANY TO MENTION

BUT WHAT I REALLY LOVE DOING
IS--IS--IS

JUST FINDING PEOPLE HOMES.

RIGHT NOW, I'M CURRENTLY
IN BETWEEN OFFICE SPACES.

UM...THIS IS MY NEW--

THESE ARE MY NEW DIGS
RIGHT HERE FOR NOW,

FOR THE TIME BEING.

THIS IS LOCATED IN AN OLD
MILITARY TESTING SITE.

OCCASIONALLY, AS YOU'RE WALKING
THROUGH, YOU COULD--

YOU MIGHT SEE SOME OLD SHELLS
OR CRATERS OR...

MAYBE SOME PIG CARCASSES.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT?
WHAT'S YOUR DREAM HOUSE?

TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT.

Tom: UH...
VERY CLEAR PICTURE ON THAT.

4 BEDROOM, 3 BATHROOM,
LARGE LAWN.

OR 4 BATHROOMED. ANYTHING
WE WANT. 4 BEDS AND 4 BATHS.

ARE WE TALKING REALITY, OR SHOOT
FOR THE MOON YOU LAND ON A STAR?

THE--THE SECOND ONE.
THE SHOOT FOR THE MOON,

I'M GONNA ACTUALLY WRITE
THAT DOWN. THAT'S AWESOME.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE LOOKED AT
THE PRICE OF HOUSES THESE DAYS,

BUT THEY'RE ASTRONOMICAL.

THE COMMON MAN CANNOT BUY
A HOUSE WITHOUT, YOU KNOW,

WINNING THE LOTTERY
OR ROBBING A BANK.

HERE'S THE THING. THE 700,000
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

I CAN GET YOU WAY MORE
FOR YOUR 700,000.

IF I--IF I COULD DO THAT,

WOULD THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING
YOU'D LIKE TO DO?

YEAH.
YEAH. OF COURSE.

EXCELLENT. LET ME TELL YOU
HOW I WORK THEN.

I DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY, OK?

UM...AND IT'S
VERY IMPORTANT

THAT IF I DO SOMETHING THAT
SEEMS LIKE IT'S NOT THE NORM,

THAT YOU GUYS
WON'T FREAK OUT ON ME.

THIS ISN'T A DEMOCRACY,
THIS IS A DICTATORSHIP.

AND I AM, FOR ALL INTENTS
AND PURPOSES, SADDAM HUSSEIN,

AND YOU GUYS ARE
THE PEASANT PEOPLE.

AND AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, I COULD
SPRAY YOU WITH MUSTARD GAS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? I JUST
NEED YOU TO HAVE THAT SORT OF...

UNDERSTANDING.

AND IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT YOU FOLLOW ME.

I DO IT MYSELF.
LET ME SEE THIS. THAT IS SO...

IT'S NOT--IT'S A CRAWFISH
BUT IT'S NOT LIVING, SO...

THAT'S CREATIVE.
IT'S JUST--IT'S JUST A--

I'VE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

JUST A JAR.
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE THE PERFECT PLACE
FOR IT.

Peter: I'M SURE SHE DOES.
YEAH. RIGHT IN HERE.

OH, AND MARY MADE HER FAMOUS
HALIBUT STROGANOF.

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I JUST--SOMETIMES I LIKE TO
EXPERIMENT, YOU KNOW.

PLACE LOOKS GREAT, PETER.

WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?
OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.

DID YOU DO THAT WITH A REMOTE?

IT IS. X10 ELECTRICAL SYSTEM.
IT'S BRAND NEW.

BETWEEN THAT AND THIS,

I CAN SET UP MACROS
AROUND THE WHOLE HOUSE,

YOU GOTTA SEE THIS.

ALRIGHT, LET'S GO LEFT.

THAT'S A NICE VIEW
OF THE POOL.

YEAH. ALRIGHT, READY?
YEAH.

BINGO!
[LAUGHS]

HEY, THAT'S A BIG BATHROOM.

YEAH.

ALRIGHT, READY?
UH-HUH.

23.

HEH HEH. 24.

WHAT'S--WHAT'S THAT WORK TABLE?

OH, THAT'S A SCRAPBOOK TABLE.
THAT'S WHAT KELLY DOES.

AND ENTRÉE VOUS.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

[CHUCKLES] RIGHT?
THIS IS SOMETHING.

YOU CAN HAVE
A DANCE PARTY IN HERE.

YEAH. WELL, JULIE'S GETTING
STRAIGHT A'S CONSISTENTLY.

YOU KNOW? SHE MENTIONED
SOMETHING ABOUT DANCE,

SO I THREW THIS TOGETHER.

MARY DOES SCRAPBOOKS.
SHE'S DONE IT FOR YEARS.

IS THAT YOU?
DO YOU SCRAPBOOK?

OK, WELL, KELLY'S GOT
HER OWN MAGAZINE,

IT'S CALLED SCRAP BOOK MAGAZINE.
MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT?

KELLY WILLIAMS JACOBSEN?
I CAN'T BELIEVE--

Peter: IT'S RIGHT HERE.
TAKE A LOOK.

Kelly: I MEAN, IT'S NOTHING,
REALLY, IT'S JUST A LITTLE...
YOU'RE KIDDING ME!

NO, THAT'S FANTASTIC.
I CAN'T--YOU ARE MY IDOL.

SO YOU--SO YOU'RE
A SCRAPPER, HUH?

YES. I AM.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I--I WOULD LOVE
TO GET YOUR FEEDBACK

ON THE MAGAZINE, IF YOU WANNA--
WE COULD GET TOGETHER,

I COULD LOOK AT YOUR WORK,
AND YOU KNOW WE COULD TALK.

THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.
I WOULD LOVE IT.

WELL.
Allen: UH-OH.

WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT HERE?
OH, NO, HONEY.

WELL, WE'VE BEEN KNOWN
TO INDULGE A LITTLE BIT.

WE'RE OK, BUT, UH...
JUST A LITTLE.

OK.
IT'S A FUN GAME.

GUESTS GO FIRST.

OK. ALRIGHT.

YES, YOU'RE VERY UPSET
AND YOU DECIDE TO--
[BUZZER]

UPSET.
OH.

YOU LIKE STICKERS AND YOU--
[BUZZER]

STICKERS.
YEAH.

HONEY, COME ON, COME ON.
OK, UM...

LOOK, LOOK, BREATHE.
YOU'RE BIG INTO THE INTERNET.

YOU'VE GOT--YOU GO--YOU GET YOUR
EMAIL THROUGH ONE SPECIFIC--

[BUZZER]
EMAIL.

Allen: WHAT--WHAT--
WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, YOU SAID WORD AGAIN. KEEP
GOING, KEEP GOING, KEEP GOING.

UM...YOU--THERE IS--IT'S--
YOU HAVE A DREAM TO HAVE

A CHILD OF YOUR OWN AND ONE DAY
THE MYSTICAL CREATURE...

STORK.
YES!

OK. THAT'S TIME.
[BUZZER]

GOOD.
VERY GOOD. VERY GOOD.

GOOD JOB, HONEY, DON'T WORRY,
THAT WAS GREAT.

Allen: OK, YOU GUYS ARE UP.
OH, OH, HERE, HERE, HERE, HONEY.

GOOD JOB.

[CLEARS THROAT] OK.

AND...GO!

OH, UNCLE SAM'S BARBECUE.

POISON IVY.
MM-HM. UH, MOULDING?

CROWN.

WHAT WE'RE BUILDING
IN THE BACKYARD?

GAZEBO.
WHAT WE DO DAILY?

UM, EXERCISE.
EVERY OTHER TUESDAY?

BLOOD DONOR.
FIRST DATE?

BOWLING ALLEY.

THE GARAGE?
WHITE.

CLIVE.
OH...SUNSCREEN.

HELLO.
HI.

HELLO.

YOU'RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
I'M SURE YOU'RE FREAKING OUT.

NO.
HOW'RE YOU GUYS DOING?

GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?
WELL, WE'RE FINE.

GOOD. I'M SO EXCITED
TO SHOW YOU THIS PLACE.

IT IS SO AMAZING
ON THE INSIDE, ALRIGHT?

DON'T JUDGE A BOOK
BY ITS COVER, ALRIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT WE ALWAYS SAY.
[LAUGHS] NOT REALLY.

HELLO.
HELLO.

COME ON IN, COME ON IN.
THANKS.

THIS IS GORGEOUS.

WOW!
I'M HILLARY MARCELLA,

NICE TO MEET YOU,
THIS IS BOBBY AND TAMIKA WHITE.

HEY, I'M MINDY. MINDY WHITE.
HELLO, HELLO.

Tamika: MINDY,
GOOD TO MEET YOU.

GOOD TO MEET YOU.
WELCOME TO OUR OPEN HOUSE.

Bobby: HOLY MOLY!

HOLY MOLY IS RIGHT. THAT'S
WHAT I SAID WHEN I SAW IT.

EXTRA MOLY.

MOLAY.

WAS THIS A BARN
AT ONE POINT?

WELL, NO, ACTUALLY
IT WAS A CAR SHOWROOM.

ARE YOU SURE?
I'M SURE.

SEE THAT GLASS WALL RIGHT THERE?
USED TO DRIVE THE CARS THROUGH.

YOU'RE EXACTLY RIGHT.

NOW THAT WE HAVE EXPOSED
CEILINGS, AS YOU CAN SEE,

WE HAVE THIS NATURAL LIGHT
FROM THE SKYLIGHT.

IT MAKES ME WEEP,
IT'S SO GORGEOUS.

[MOBILE]
OH. GOTTA GRAB THIS.
YOU ALL JUST LOOK AROUND.

ENJOY. IF YOU HAVE ANY
QUESTIONS, JUST ASK ME.

OK. THANK YOU.
THANKS.

I THINK SHE'S WRONG.
IT'S A BARN.

YOU THINK?
NO.

IT WOULD SMELL LIKE HAY
IF IT WERE A BARN.

HOW MUCH DO YOU
LOVE ME RIGHT NOW?

A LOT.
A LOT.

BELIEVE ME, I'VE DONE
MY RESEARCH ON THIS PLACE,

I DON'T NEED HER
TO SHOW IT AROUND.

I KNOW EVERYTHING
THERE IS TO KNOW.

PLUS I GREASED A FEW PALMS
AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE

THE FIRST ONES TO SEE IT.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

LOOK BEHIND YOU.
16 BY 9 FOOT HD PROJECTION.

IT COMES WITH THE PROPERTY.

WHAT?
THAT IS AMAZING.

I HEAR HD IS THE WAVE
OF THE FUTURE.

Hillary: IT IS
THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE.

AND THEN LOOK AT THIS.
YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

POLISHED SANDSTONE.

LOOK AT THIS!

POLISHED SANDSTONE, OK?
WHAT?!

NOT ONE, BUT 2 DISHWASHERS. OK?
YES. THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

I DON'T BELIEVE
WE HAVE ANY DISHES.

LOOK AT THAT!
WHO NEEDS A HAIRCUT?

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
MILKING SOMETHING.

TWO GARBAGE DISPOSALS.
THAT'S GREAT.

Bobby: WHY?
WHY DO YOU NEED TWO?

DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'D USE IT FOR,
BUT WE HAVE TWO.

Tamika: WHY ONLY HAVE ONE?
WHY ONLY HAVE ONE?

EXACTLY.
I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S OUT THERE? A YARD?

PUNCH ME IN THE FACE.
NOW. PLEASE.

I'D NEVER DO THAT.
I'D NEVER DO THAT.

BUT COME OUT HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA GET PUNCHED
IN THE FACE WITH THIS YARD,

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THAT'S A BUNNY RABBIT.

WOW!

YEAH.

KICK ME IN THE GUT,
WHY DON'T YOU?

THIS IS--
2500 SQUARE FEET

OF OUTDOOR LIVING SPACE.

LOOK AT THE SIDE.

NOW, THE FUNNY THING IS THEY
PLANTED THAT AND THEN DISCOVERED

IT DOESN'T GROW INDOORS,
SO THEY RIPPED OFF THE ROOF.

THERE USED TO BE A ROOF?
RAISED THE ROOF.

I'M SO SORRY.

HEY, YOU'RE LOVING THIS
OR WHAT?

WE'RE LOVING IT.
OH, MY GOSH.

IT'S SO GORGEOUS, I MEAN,
IT'S LIKE A LITTLE COUNTRY

IN THE CITY, ISN'T IT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU ALL NOTICED

BUT THERE'S AN OUTDOOR SHOWER.
NO, WE DIDN'T.

AND A TUB.
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.

I AM NOT KIDDING.

YOU CAN SEE WE GOT
ALL THE PLANTS, LOOK AT THAT.

Bobby: THAT'S AMAZING.

AND THE BEDROOM'S
RIGHT OFF THAT.

OH, BUT WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S ANOTHER AREA THAT I
THINK YOU'RE GONNA JUST DIE FOR.

THAT'S BETTER THAN THIS?

WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S JUST AS GOOD AS--

CAN I MAKE A REQUEST?
I WANT A PONY.

ALRIGHT, WELL,
WE'LL GET YOU THAT.

I MEAN, LOOK,
WE HAVE THE SPACE.

HE CAN GRAZE.
LOOK AT THAT.

I CAN SEE YOU TWO IN THAT TUB.
Tamika: YEAH.

NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW.

FOLLOW ME. I WANNA SHOW YOU
ONE LAST PART OF THE HOUSE.

IT'S A GORGEOUS AREA.
IT'S A THIRD BEDROOM LOFT.

LOOK AT THAT.
WOW.

THE SKYLIGHT.
Bobby: THE LIBRARY,

THE LIBRARY...
THE LIBRARY LADDER.

...WITHOUT THE LIBRARY.

OH, THAT'S OK. I'LL TAKE THAT
ROOM FOR MYSELF

WHEN I MOVE IN WITH YOU GUYS.

A PLACE TO RELAX WITH A BOOK.

AND THE EXPOSED CEILING'S AS IT
IS THROUGHOUT THE WAREHOUSE.

NOW HERE WHAT THEY'VE DONE
IS THEY ADDED--

WITH A LITTLE MODERN
EXPOSED BRICK,

THEY'VE GIVEN US SOME OF THIS
OLD-FASHIONED,

STRAIGHT FROM SAVANNAH,
PLANTATION SHUTTERS.

JUST TO ADD
A LITTLE FLAVOR. YOU KNOW,

A LITTLE DETAIL?
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

HORRIBLE. THAT WAS HORRIBLE.

I'M SORRY, WHAT?

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT
IN FRONT OF THEM?

IT'S THE--
PLANTATION SHUTTERS?

THAT IS A VERY ANTIQUATED
SAYING, ALRIGHT?

WE DON'T NEED TO KEEP SAYING IT.
IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY. ALRIGHT?

OK.
AND LOOK AT YOU'RE AUDIENCE.

HI. YOU'VE OFFENDED THEM
AND YOU'VE OFFENDED ME.

DON'T BE SLAVES
TO THE OPEN FLOOR PLAN.

NOW, I DID NOT SAY THAT.
I WOULD NEVER SAY--

BRING IN ALL YOUR ILLEGITIMATE
KIDS AND PLAY DICE.

EXCUSE ME, MISS MARCELLA.
YOU ARE HORRIBLE.

YOU'VE OFFENDED THEM, YOU'VE
OFFENDED ME. APOLOGIZE NOW.

I'M VERY SORRY.
RIGHT NOW.

I REALLY HOPE THAT YOU'LL
TAKE THIS APOLOGY--

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I--

PLEASE DON'T
DWELL ON IT.

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO
SOMEBODY? MY GOD. YOU ARE SICK.

HONEY?
IS SHE THROWING UP?

YEAH, SHE--SHE'S THROWING UP.
LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO HER.

I THINK 'CAUSE YOU'RE YELLING.
OH, OH! THAT IS CLASSIC, LADY.

OH, SWEETIE.

THAT--OH--THAT SHELLFISH,
HONEY. ARE YOU OK?

I DON'T THINK MARDU
COOKED THAT SALMON VERY WELL.

THAT--THAT'S WHAT'S
SUCH A PROBLEM.

YOU DON'T THINK
YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG.

YOU DON'T CALL THEM THAT, OK?
YOU JUST SAY SHUTTERS.

WE KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
ALRIGHT?

PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY, I--
THESE ANTIQUATED TERMS.

OH, GOODBYE.
I WILL REPORT YOU.

THERE IS NO REASON TO--
AGH!

Mindy: WHY WOULD YOU
REPORT ME?

YOU'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT.

ARE YOU OK?
YEAH, YEAH.

IT WAS--I DON'T KNOW, SHELLFISH
OR SALMON OR SOMETHING.

NO. IT WAS RACISM.
OH.

OH.
MM-HM.

LOOK AT THIS TILE WORK.
ISN'T THAT STUNNING?

Richard: YOU GUYS EXCITED?

MM-HM. YEAH.
YEAH.

YOU SHOULD BE.

BUYING A HOUSE SHOULD BE ONE
OF THE MOST EXCITING THINGS

IN THE WORLD.
THEY SAY IT'S STRESSFUL

BUT I THINK IT VERY EXCITING.

OH, AND WE'RE IN.

GREAT.
GREAT.

COME ON IN, COME ON IN.

WOW.
OH, MY GOSH.

IT'S NICE, HUH?
YEAH.

RICHARD, THIS IS...GREAT.

YEAH, YOU SEE ALL
THE WOOD RIGHT OVER HERE?

WE GOT WOOD FLOORS, WOOD WALL,
WOOD, UH, BEAM RIGHT THERE.

YEAH, I LIKE THAT A LOT.

DUMP, HUH?

I--I WASN'T THINKING DUMP.
CRAPSVILLE, POOPY TOWN,

THE YUCK HOUSE, I CALL IT.
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT IS--IT'S A FIXER UPPER
AND IT'S GOT A LOT OF POTENTIAL.

RIGHT?
WELL, I ACTUALLY THINK IT'S--

I SORT OF LIKE THIS.
I LIKE THE WOOD ACCENTS.

WELL, YOU WOULD, YOU WOULD,
'CAUSE YOU HAVE AN UNTRAINED EYE

AND I HAVE A TRAINED EYE
WHO CAN SEE ALL THE, UH, FAULTS

THAT WE WILL USE TO OUR
ADVANTAGE TO GET YOU GUYS

THE HOUSE THAT YOU WANT
FOR THE PRICE YOU WANT.

OK.

SO...
NICE.

...THIS IS THE MASTER BEDROOM.

Dawn: SO MUCH SPACE.

YEAH, I'M THE...
MASTER OF THIS ROOM.

YEAH, I BET YOU ARE THE MASTER
OF THE BEDROOM.
OOH!

ARE YOU OK?
YEAH.

SO, UH, YOU COULD PROBABLY FIT
A, YOU KNOW,

CALIFORNIA KING IN HERE.

Dawn: YEAH.

OBVIOUSLY SOME EXTRA FURNITURE
CAN GO IN HERE.

A LOT OF SPACE.
VAULTED CEILINGS.

Dawn: GREAT.
A LOT OF ROOM, SPACIOUS,

FANTASTIC.
YEAH. IT COULD WORK.

THERE'S PLENTY OTHER STUFF
TO SEE AND...

THIS IS--THIS IS ONE OF
THE BEST ROOMS SO FAR, THOUGH.

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY GOOD,
IT'S PRETTY GOOD,

BUT WE GOT SOME OTHER STUFF
THAT'S NOT SO GOOD.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK OUT HERE.
OH? OK.

MOSEY ON DOWN HERE.

HERE WE ARE IN THE, UH,
FAMILY ROOM.
Dawn: MM-HM.

Richard: YOU KNOW, IT'S ALRIGHT,

IT'S A PICTURE WINDOW.

I LIKE THE WINDOW A LOT.

IT'S--IT'S DELICATE GLASS.
BREAKABLE, VERY BREAKABLE. UM...

YOU'LL SEE OVER HERE
WE HAVE A FIREPLACE.

NOW, IT'S MADE OF BRICK,
BUT DON'T LET THAT FOOL YOU,

IT IS--IT IS VERY UNSTABLE.

YEAH, I DON'T CARE WHAT THAT--

THAT THREE LITTLE PIG
STORY SAYS.

BRICK IS--IS WEAK.

Tom: I THOUGHT THE WOLF
COULDN'T BLOW DOWN THE BRICK.

Richard: COULDN'T IN THE STORY,
BUT THAT'S A FAIRY TALE, SO...

I THINK TOM MIGHT BE RIGHT,
I THINK--
THIS IS THE REAL WORLD.

I THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING TO
THAT FAIRY TALE.

YEAH, THERE WERE ALSO THREE
LITTLE PIGS THAT COULD TALK,

BUT...YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

RICHARD, DON'T MAKE ME
FEEL STUPID.
IT WASN'T ABOUT TALKING--

WE'RE GETTING INTO
SEMANTICS HERE.

LET'S COME OVER HERE
AND LOOK AT THIS.

AND...THIS IS THE KITCHEN.
YEAH.

[WHIRRING]

ALRIGHT, LET'S MOVE ON.

Dawn: OUR FIRST DAY
IS GOING GREAT.

YEAH, LOOKING FOR HOUSES.
IT'S--IT'S EXCITING, I THINK.
MM-HM.

IT'S REALLY EXCITING,
AND THIS HOUSE IS FANTASTIC.

I THINK THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S
PROBABLY OUT OF OUR--

A LITTLE BIT OUT OF OUR LEAGUE,
PROBABLY TOO EXPENSIVE FOR US.

YEAH. IT'S--IF IT ENDED IN A 26
INSTEAD OF A 16, THE ZIP CODE,

WE--WE'D WRITE A CHECK
RIGHT NOW.
WE'D BE WINNING.

WE REALLY LOVED THE HIGH CEIL--
THE VAULTED CEILINGS.

OH, THE VAULTED CEILINGS
ARE GREAT.

AND, UH, WE LIKE ALL THE WOOD
EVERYWHERE AND--

Dawn: WOOD PANELING
IS REALLY... BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT WAS THAT? RICHARD?

WHAT'S GOING ON? DID YOU--
I DON'T KNOW.

OH, MY GOD.

RICHARD?

RICHARD?
RICHARD!

ARE YOU--

RIGHT HERE.
WHA--

RICHARD, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

TA DA! WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED
HERE. TWO WORDS.

FORCED DEPRECIATION.

TRANSLATION?

YOU GET A HOUSE
FOR $50,000 LESS.

$50,000 UNDER
THE ASKING PRICE.

WE DIDN'T TELL--

COME ON, WELL,
YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD--

LET'S TALK ABOUT IT IN THE CAR.
YOU CAN THANK ME LATER.

50,000?

UH, I'M PASSING THE SAVINGS
ON TO YOU.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS
IN THE CAR.

COME ON, SERIOUSLY,
WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE.

WE HAVE TO--
WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

WE GOT THE PRICE DOWN,
WE'RE DOING WHAT--

I'M DOING WHAT I SAID.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO,
LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

COME ON IN. GREAT TO SEE YA,
HI, I'M ERNIE.

HEY. PETER.
PETER, HI. HOW YOU DOING?

I'M MARY.
HEY, MARY. IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

AND I'M ERNIE.

ALLEN. NICE TO MEET YOU.
ALLEN, NICE TO MEET YOU.

HIGH FIVE. GREAT TO HAVE YOU.
OH, GREAT!

ANYWAY, THIS IS A GREAT LITTLE
HOUSE FOR A SMALL FAMILY.

AS YOU CAN SEE,
YOU GOT THE VAULTED CEILINGS,

NEW CARPET AND, UH, FRESH PAINT
INSIDE AND OUT.

SO, UH, WHY DON'T WE TAKE A LOOK
AT THE KITCHEN? COME ON.

GREAT.

SO, WE MAKE OUR WAY
INTO THE FAMILY ROOM,

AND IF YOU NOTICE,
WE GOT A, UH, ROCK FIREPLACE

AND A BUILT-IN ENTERTAINMENT
SYSTEM FOR THAT, UH,

YOU KNOW, BIG SCREEN TV,
OR WHATEVER.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT DO YOU THINK, ALLEN?
MM? WELL, UH, UH...

YEAH?
IT'S, UH, YOU KNOW,
IT LOOKS TERRIFIC.

IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC.
THANK YOU.

AND IF YOU NOTICE RIGHT BEHIND
ME, THERE'S HARDWOOD FLOORS

THROUGHOUT, WHICH OPENS
TO AN OPEN FLOOR PLAN

RIGHT INTO THE KITCHEN.
[LAUGHS] WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Allen: VERY NICE.
HAVE A LOOK.

AND IF YOU NOTICE TOO, UH,
NEW CABINETS, RECESSED LIGHTING,

STAINLESS STEEL APPLIANCES.
NICE. TERRIFIC

AND, UH, AND THAT POT RACK,
WELL, THAT'S GONNA STAY.

THE SELLER SAID
THEY CAN KEEP IT HERE.

OH, IS IT? THAT'S A--ALLEN,
THAT'S VERY VALUABLE.

WELL, YOU GOT A BIG BACKYARD,
WHY DON'T WE LOOK AT THAT?

YEAH. HEY, BEFORE YOU GO,
I NEED YOU TO DO ONE THING.

JUST TO SHOW YOU HOW
SURPRISINGLY LARGE

THIS HOUSE REALLY IS,
I NEED YOU TO DO ONE THING.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

GO AHEAD. COUNT TO 10,

AND TRY TO FIND ME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OUTSIDE?
GREAT IDEA.

HE'LL CATCH UP WITH US, HONEY.

OH, THIS IS DARLING.

IT'S GOT A BREEZE AND IT JUST...
OH!

Peter: EUCALYPTUS TREE,
AFTERNOON SHADE.

VERY NICE.
ANOTHER SWING SET, HUH?

WELL, YOU CAN ALWAYS TAKE THAT
OUT, ALLEN.

IT COULD BE A--A ANOTHER
PLANT STAND OR EVEN A BARBECUE.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M THINKING?

I'M THINKING THAT
WE NEED A POOL.

A POOL?
YEAH. YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

I'M THINKING IN OUR NEXT HOUSE
WE NEED TO HAVE A POOL.

ALLEN! THAT'S A BIT OF AN
EXTRAVAGANCE ALL OF A SUDDEN.

WELL, GOOD NEWS. WE'VE STILL GOT
A COUPLE OF NICE ONES TO SEE.

[ERNIE LAUGHS] I TOLD YOU,
YOU WOULDN'T FIND ME.

[SIGHS] BOBBY.

Hillary: I MEAN, AS LONG
AS IT TAKES TO EAT A TACO.

Bobby: RIGHT.
THAT'S MY VACATION THESE DAYS.

ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.
GUESS WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU.

FOUR--EIGHT.
FOUR NEW PROPERTIES.

OH?
TO LOOK AT, YES. AND THEY ARE...

WHAT--TWO OF THEM ARE NOT EVEN
ON THE MARKET YET, OK?

I FOUND OUT BECAUSE I TIPPED
SOMEONE OFF AT THE PAPER

WHEN I WAS LOOKING.

YOU'RE NOT HAPPY.
WHAT--WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
NO, NO, IT'S--WE'RE ELATED.

WE'RE VERY HAPPY. IT'S JUST THAT

THINGS ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT
NOW AND THINGS HAVE CHANGED

AND WE HAVE NEWS OF OUR OWN.
UM...

GUESS WHAT?

CHICKEN BUTT. NO, I'M JOKING.
[LAUGHS]

YOU ARE HILARIOUS.
WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

WE'RE PREGNANT.
I'M PREGNANT.

CHICKEN BUTT.

NO, I'M--I'M PREGNANT.

THAT WAS THE JOKE.
UH, SHE'S PREGNANT.

SO, THERE'S NO PUNCH LINE
TO THIS, HUH?

NO, NO, WE'RE--WE'RE--
SHE'S PREGGERS AND UH...

SO, WE KINDA HAVE TO MAYBE
CHANGE OUR, TWEAK OUR--

I MEAN, CLEARLY YOU HAVE
OPTIONS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN'T BE
THAT FAR ALONG,

SO, WHY DON'T WE...

EAT TONIGHT AND THEN, UH,

NEXT WEEK, WHEN YOU'RE
FEELING BETTER,

AND EVERYTHING'S TAKEN CARE OF,
WE CAN RESUME THIS.

I KNOW A DOCTOR.
I'M HAVING THE BABY.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, SIR. SEÑOR.

ANYWAY, WHAT--THE THING THAT IS
GOING TO AFFECT YOU

IS THAT NOW WE'RE LOOKING
FOR A HOME.

WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR A LOFT
ANY MORE, WE--WE--

WHAT WE WANNA DO IS--IS, UH,

FIND A HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS

BECAUSE TAMIKA'S
GONNA BE STAYING HOME.

AND WE'LL BE A SINGLE INCOME
FAMILY, YOU KNOW.

I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO AFFORD
A LOFT, AND YOU KNOW,

A FAMILY FRIENDLY HOUSE
IN THE SUBURBS IS IDEAL.

OK.

SUBURBS? YEAH.

THAT IS CRAZY.

BUT I'M GONNA
ROLL WITH IT.

I'M NOT LEAVING.

I'M NOT GONNA BE
THE, YOU KNOW,

LIKE A FLAKY BOYFRIEND
THAT...

BEGS YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM
IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR,

AND THEN IS LIKE,
"OH, I WA--

"DON'T CALL ME.
YOU'RE TOO CLINGY."

I'LL BE THERE.

I'M STICKING AROUND.

I CAN'T WAIT.

CHOICES.

OK.

ALRIGHT. UM...

WELL, I'VE GOT MY WORK
CUT OUT FOR ME, RIGHT?

SO, TOMORROW,
I WILL START...

DOWN A DIFFERENT PATH.

YEAH. DO YOUR DUTY.
I WILL DO IT.

I'M GONNA DO IT.
WE'LL GIVE YOU A JANGALANG, OK?

THANK YOU. BYE.
OK. ALRIGHT.

EXCUSE ME, MISS, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT'S 10:30.

I DON'T THINK SO.

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

UH, IT'S, UH, 4222 SOMANT.

IT'S, UH, S-O-M-A-N-T.

UH...DESCRIPTION...
UM... HOLD ON.

HE WAS SOME FILIPINO CRIP

THAT'S PROBABLY HALFWAY TO
TIJUANA BY NOW WITH HIS 8 ARMS.

OK, HE WAS DRIPPING
IN AFRO SHEEN, OK?

AND HE WAS VERY DARK.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN ARMENIAN
BECAUSE HE SMELLED FARSI-ISH.

HE COULD HAVE BEEN,
YOU KNOW,

SOME WETBACK
FROM THE PHILIPPINES,

BUT HE PROBABLY HAS,
YOU KNOW, 9,000 CHILDREN

AND A BUNCH OF WIVES

THAT HAVE MOUSTACHES
AND MUTTON CHOPS.

YES, THE WALLS
ARE THIN HERE.

THANK YOU.

MM-HM. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR THE WATER.

COULD HAVE BROUGHT IT
TO MY TABLE

WHEN I WAS EATING HERE BUT...

HEY, ALLEN.

WOW.

HEY!
YOU'RE BUILDING A FENCE.

YEAH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

AREN'T YOU MOVING?
YEAH. IMPROVEMENTS.

MARY INSIDE?
YEAH. GO RIGHT IN.

SHE'S WAITING FOR YOU.

I LIKE THAT.
YEAH, I DRIED THAT MYSELF.

YOU DID?
I DID.

ONE THING YOU MIGHT WANNA
THINK ABOUT

INSTEAD OF JUST USING
PLAIN COLORED PAPER,

YOU MIGHT WANT--YOU KNOW, THEY
MAKE GREAT HOMEMADE PAPERS.

YOU KNOW, WITH LIKE LEAVES
AND FLOWER PETALS IN THEM

THEY'RE JUST REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
CAN I ASK YOU A--

A PERSONAL QUESTION? DO YOU USE
PINKING SHEARS? A LOT?

I DO.
WITH THE CORNER? 'CAUSE...

DON'T TELL ANYBODY.
BUT I HAD--

I KNEW IT, I SAW THAT--

ME AGAIN. SOME PEOPLE ARE GONNA
LOOK AT THE HOUSE. UH...

THIS IS JILL, THE AGENT.
HI.

AND PAUL AND SUE, MY WIFE MARY,
OUR NEIGHBOR,

SO PLEASE, GO RIGHT AHEAD,
FEEL FREE.

OK.

I GUESS SELLING A HOUSE
WAS A LOT MORE COMPLICATED

THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S PEOPLE
COMING IN ALL THE TIME

AND...TOUCHING THINGS.

YOU NEED TO
PUT THAT DOWN. DOWN.

KELLY IS MY FRIEND
AND SHE CAN COME OVER

AND SHE'S SO SUPPORTIVE,

SHE'S BEEN THROUGH
THE WHOLE PROCESS ALREADY

SO, I'M OPTIMISTIC. I JUST...

CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS
TO BE OVER.

WELL, TODAY
WE'RE IN THE SUBURBS.

I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH
THE SUBURBS,

I FEEL LIKE I'M ON MARS.

I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT,

BUT THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT, SO
THIS IS WHAT AUNTIE HILLARY'S

GONNA GIVE THEM.

IT SMELLS LIKE COWS.

AND THERE'S KIDS
ALL OVER THE PLACE,

WHICH WOULD DRIVE ME NUTS. OK?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THESE PEOPLE
BUY THEIR COFFEE,

I DON'T KNOW WHERE
THEY BUY GAS.

I HAVEN'T SEEN
A SINGLE GAS STATION HERE.

WHERE DO YOU GET A CIVILIZED
DRINK IN THIS TOWN?

HERE'S MY COMMISSION METER.
IT'S GOING LIKE THIS.

I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED
IN HOW THIS IS ALL WORKING OUT,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I FINISH WHAT I START.

SO, HOPEFULLY WE ARE GONNA
FINISH VERY SOON WITH THESE TWO.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO CHECK OUT
THE KITCHEN?

SURE.
YEAH.

OK, COME RIGHT ON THROUGH HERE.
Both: OH, IT'S RIGHT THERE!

SHORT JOURNEY.

I LIKE THAT IT'S OPEN.

OPEN.
OPEN.

IT IS OPEN.

RIGHT IN THROUGH HERE,
WOOD--BRAND NEW.

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN REPLACED.
THAT'S ACTUAL NEW CABINETS, OK?

A WINE RACK, HUH?
YES.

THAT'S NICE. YOU LIKE WINE.
BUILT-IN. CONVENIENCE.

Tamika: CAN'T DRINK IT.
WELL, NOT NOW

BUT IN TIME YOU WILL.
BIRTH DEFECTS.

UH, LET'S SEE. DUAL SINKS,
GARBAGE DISPOSAL, DISHWASHER,

PERSONALLY, I THINK THAT
THE STOVE IS A HIGHLIGHT

OF THIS KITCHEN.

FOUR BURNER, GAS...

AND, WELL, IF YOU HAVE TO
SLAVE OVER A HOT STOVE,

WHY NOT DO IT IN A NICE, MODERN,
STYLISH KITCHEN?

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MOLDINGS.

THEY REALLY, UH, MAKE THIS LOW
CEILING LOOK EVEN LOWER, HUH?

WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA LOOK
AT THE CEILING, THEN LET'S--

WE HAVE A CEILING FAN, VERY
MODERN, VERY NICE FIXTURES.

YEAH. ALRIGHT, WE'RE GONNA GO
OUTSIDE AND, UH, NOSE AROUND.

IS THAT OK?
OH, ABSOLUTELY. ENJOY.

HERE IT IS.
Tamika: OH.

WELL, I'D POINT OUT SOME STUFF

BUT THERE'S NOTHING
TO POINT OUT. I MEAN...

GRASS, FENCE.

WHITE FENCE,

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
TO LOOK AT?

IS THIS IT?

THERE'S BEDROOMS,
YOU KNOW, BATHROOMS.

I'LL SHOW THEM TO YOU.

OKAY.
YEAH, YEAH.

[CRASH]
Tom: OH!

LOOK AT THAT, YOU JUST NAILED
THE MAIL BOX.

RICHARD!

ALRIGHTY.

COME ON IN, COME ON IN.

TAKE A LOOK AT
THE LIVING AREA FIRST.

THIS IS GREAT.
ISN'T IT?

YES
COME ON IN, TOM.

IT'S THE LIVING AREA,
LIVE IN IT.

RICHARD, IT'S BIG.

YEAH, OH, IT'S REAL BIG.
THAT'S RANCH STYLE HOUSING

AND YOU GOT THE WOOD BLINDS,
UH...WALL-TO-WALL CARPETING

AND, OF COURSE,
THE HEART OF THE ROOM,

THE WOOD-BURNING, CAST IRON
STOVE, COMPLETE WITH, UH,

WOOD BURNING...STOVE...
PIPE.

...ACTION.
THAT'S GREAT, RIGHT?

YEAH.

DO YOU LIKE THE WHOLE
SORT OF EQUINE THEME?

MM-HM.

IS THIS HORSE PROPERTY?

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, YEAH.
DO THAT. TAKE A BIG...

YOU SMELL THAT?
MM!

IT'S ACTUAL HORSE MANURE.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
YEAH. FROM ACTUAL HORSES.

WE COULD HAVE HORSES.
YEAH.

Both: YOU A COWBOY?
Richard: YOU A COWBOY, TOM?

Dawn: JINX!

IN MY MIND'S EYE.

WELL, UH, LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT THE REST OF THE HOUSE,

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.
COME ON THIS WAY.

THERE'S SO MUCH SPACE,
RICHARD.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

WELL, HERE WE ARE IN LA COCINA--

OOH!
ESPAÑOL FOR KITCHEN.

I LIKE THIS COUNTERS.
YEAH, DON'T YOU?

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. WHAT ARE
THESE MADE OF, RICHARD?

THIS IS SOLID GRANITE.
SOLID GRANITE.

THOSE ARE--THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I IMAGINED.

DO YOU LIKE THE TILE?

I LOVE THAT--I WAS
JUST GONNA SAY THAT.

IT'S TILE BACKSPLASH,
TILE BACKSPLASH.

YEAH, IT'S FOR WHEN WATER
SPLASHES UP BACK HERE.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHY
IT'S CALLED THAT, TOM.

I LOVE THIS HOUSE.

I THINK IT'S THE CLOSEST
WE'VE SEEN TO MY DREAM YET.

IT'S BIG. THERE'S SPACE
FOR DOGS, FOR KIDS,

AND THERE'S--THIS IS
HORSE PROPERTY.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
I WANTED HORSE PROPERTY

BUT NOW THAT I SEE IT,
I KNOW I WANT IT.

IT'S AWESOME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, HONEY?

I JUST--I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.

[DRILLING IN DISTANCE]

UH...RICHARD HAS BEEN USING
SOME UNORTHODOX METHODS.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
...STABLE THAT IS?

RICHARD, RICHARD.

JUST PUT IT BACK--RICHARD,
THAT ONE PIECE WAS LOOSE!

OH, GOD! RICHARD.

DID YOU SEE THAT? THAT CAME DOWN
LIKE A HOUSE OF CARDS.

I THINK HE'S TRYING TO LOWER
THE PRICE ON THE HOMES,

BUT AT THIS POINT, I THINK
HE'S CAUSING MORE DAMAGE.

[HORSE NEIGHS IN DISTANCE]

OH, IT'S A LITTLE BREEZY TODAY.

OH, MY GOSH! BEAUTIFUL!
IT'S LIKE A LAS VEGAS HOTEL.

[PETER CHUCKLES]

YEAH, THE BARBEQUE PIT IS,
I THINK, DEEPER THAN THE POOL.

OH, I'M--THIS IS JUST BANANAS!
Allen: REALLY?

GO DOWN THERE
AND GET THE BENDS, HUH? WHOA!

GOT LOTS OF
ENTERTAINMENT SPACE.

WOW!

BARBEQUE. WHEN YOU'RE IN THE
POOL, YOU CAN BELLY RIGHT UP

AND EAT.

WELL, THAT'S AN INSTANT CRAMP
WAITING TO HAPPEN,

DON'T YOU THINK, HONEY?

Peter: THIS IS AN AMAZING PLACE,
DON'T YOU THINK?

Allen: YOU KNOW,
WHEN WE WERE UPSTAIRS

AND I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW--YOU
SEE THIS PLACE RIGHT NEXT-DOOR?

SEE, THERE IS NO GRASS HERE,
IT IS ALL POOL,

BUT NEXT-DOOR,
THEY'VE GOT GRASS, A PATIO

AND THEY'VE GOT A LAP POOL.
DID YOU SEE, HONEY?

THEY'VE GOT A LAP POOL,
AND ALL THIS WIND--

I MEAN, THESE GUYS HAVE A WALL,
YOU KNOW,

THERE'S BARELY EVEN A RIPPLE
IN THEIR POOL--

WELL, WE'VE SEE UPWARDS
OF 20 HOUSES NOW

THAT ALL SEEM TO FIT THE BILL
FOR ALLEN AND MARY,

BUT, I DON'T KNOW, ALLEN KEEPS
CHANGING THE CRITERIA ON ME.

I WISH HE'D JUST DECIDE WHAT
HE NEEDS, IT WOULD HELP A LOT.

I'M STILL CONFIDENT, THOUGH,
I'M GONNA FIND THEM A HOUSE.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT I DO,
THAT'S WHAT I'M GOOD AT.

I THINK IT'S JUST GONNA TAKE
A LITTLE WHILE LONGER

THAN I ANTICIPATED, THAT'S ALL.

IT'S ALL PART OF THE PROCESS.

[COUGHS]

WAS THAT CATS?

THROUGH THE MOUTH.
ALWAYS THOUGH THE MOUTH.

HOW MANY DO YOU THINK
THEY HAD?

WELL, I'M HERE ON MAPLE LANE,

OR, I DON'T KNOW,
BIRCH BOULEVARD.

YOU NOW, FIR WOOD...WHATEVER--
ONE OF THE WOODED STREETS,

AND I'VE A GOT A TWO BED--TWO
BATHROOM, THREE BEDROOM HOUSE

FOR BOBBY AND TAMIKA--
AND WHO'S ON TIME?

AND WHO'S LATE? I WONDER.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST...

...THOSE PEOPLE
ARE NOT PUNCTUAL.

IT'S SOMETHING
IN THEIR MAKEUP, OK?

I CAN'T PARALLEL PARK--
THAT'S MY CROSS TO BEAR.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
THIS LATENESS, IT'S LIKE,

I'VE GOT OTHER THINGS
I COULD BE DOING.

I WENT TO--YOU KNOW,
THIS REMINDS ME--

I WENT TO A LUTHER VANDROSS
CONCERT BACK IN '93.

IT'S 8:40. I GOT THERE AT 8:00,

THINKING "OH, I MIGHT
MISS THE CURTAIN."

8:40, HE SAUNTERS ON LIKE, YOU
KNOW, IT'S NO BIG THING.

OH, HERE THEY ARE.
[HORN BEEPS]

I KNOW YOU NOTICED
WHEN YOU WERE DRIVING UP

THAT ALL THE HOUSES
ARE REALLY CLOSE TOGETHER.

DO YOU KNOW THAT,
IF YOU OPEN THOSE BLINDS,

YOU CAN LOOK
DIRECTLY INTO THE BOY'S BEDROOM

ACROSS THE WAY?
Tamika: HMM.

A LOT OF PEOPLE MIGHT SAY
THAT'S KIND OF

AN INVASION OF PRIVACY

BUT I THINK IT FOSTERS
A SENSE OF COMMUNITY--

YOU CAN ALWAYS
SHUT THE BLINDS.

I'D STAY DRESSED WHILE YOU'RE
DOWN HERE, IF I WERE YOU.

OK, OUR OWNERS HAVE DONE
A LITTLE FACELIFT IN HERE.

THIS IS A NICE,
SPACIOUS KITCHEN.

CULTURED STONE COUNTERS.

UM, BACK HERE--
SEE THAT LOOKS LIKE TILE?

MM-HM.
SEE, THAT TURNS ON AND OFF. MM.

IT'S A FAUCET. RIGHT HERE,
IT LOOKS LIKE TILE. IT'S NOT.

IT'S LINOLEUM.
I THINK THAT'S VERY INGENIOUS.

OK, FIRST THING UPSTAIRS
IS A LITTLE ENTERTAINMENT AREA.

Bobby: OH, THIS IS FUN.
Tamika: THIS IS OK.

Hillary: YEAH.

HEY, A POPCORN MACHINE.
[CHUCKLES]

THAT'S GREAT.
LOOK AT THIS.

HEY, CAN WE WRITE THIS POPCORN
MACHINE IN THE OFFER?

I'LL TRY.
IGNORE HIM.

NO.
ON WHAT GROUNDS?

WE DON'T NEED
A POPCORN MACHINE.

WE DON'T NEED A POPCORN MACHINE,
BUT IT FITS PERFECTLY,

THIS IS NICE, IT'S--

NO, IT DOESN'T FIT INTO
OUR LIFESTYLE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T--
IT'S FUN, COME ON.

THAT THING
COULD BLOW UP.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
THAT THING'S GONNA DO.

IT'S NOT GOING TO BLOW UP,
AND IF YOU RECALL,

IN THE CASE OF TAMIKA VERSUS
THE HOUSE THAT WE SAW LAST WEEK,

YOU SET A NEW PRECEDENT

THAT YOU NEEDED STAINLESS STEEL
APPLIANCES IN THE KITCHEN.

I'M ABOUT TO SET A NEW PRECEDENT
IN THE CASE OF FIST VERSES FACE

IF YOU DON'T QUIT.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW OLD
THAT POPCORN IS.

LET'S MOVE ON.
YES.

FOLLOW ME.

[CRUNCH]

[HACKS UP PHLEGM]
Tamika: OH!

OK, IN HERE WE HAVE SORT
OF A GYM SLASH GAME ROOM

SLASH MUSIC ROOM. YOU KNOW?

IT'S GOT A BIG
WALK-IN CLOSET THERE

SO IT CAN BE
WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE.

IT COULD BE A GUEST BEDROOM.
IT WOULD MAKE A GOOD GYM ROOM.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA NEED TO
EXERCISE AFTER I HAVE THE...

UM, MAYBE A, UH, SEWING ROOM
OR ANOTHER BABY'S ROOM--

WHO KNOWS HOW MANY
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE? YOU KNOW.

ARGH! WHAT?

GOOOOOALL!

YOU COULD PUT A POKER TABLE
IN HERE, MAYBE A ROULETTE THING

OR, YOU KNOW,
A LITTLE CASINO,

'CAUSE HE AND HIS FRIENDS
PLAY POKER.

YEAH. THROW SOME FOAM UP
ON THE WALLS, SOUNDPROOF IT,

LAY YOUR PHAT BEATS DOWN.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I DO KNOW THEY'RE GONNA
TAKE THIS WITH THEM, SO...

OK.

YOU KNOW, NOT MESS WITH IT--
I KNOW PEOPLE DON'T LIKE

PEOPLE TOUCHING THEIR THINGS.
LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

MORE TO SEE, MORE TO SEE.

WELL, I FEEL LIKE TAMIKA
HAS SET WOMEN'S LIB BACK

ABOUT 100 YEARS--THANK YOU

AND I KNOW SHE'S NOT
THE ONLY ONE THAT'S DOING IT,

BUT I--YOU KNOW,
THESE WOMEN THAT SAY,

"OH, I NEED TO COLLEGE,
I GOT TO GET MY LAW DEGREE

"AND THEN I'M GONNA WORK
FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS

"AND THEN I'M GONNA--OOPS--
GET PREGNANT

"AND THEN WATCH OPRAH
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE."

MM.

YOU KNOW, I EXPECTED THEM
TO BE THAT IRRESPONSIBLE

BUT NOW THAT IT'S HAPPENED,
I STILL AM A LITTLE SURPRISED

AND SHOCKED.

I MEAN, YEAH,
I'M HAPPY FOR HER.

YEAH. WINK--WINK. IS THAT
WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY?

I'M HAPPY FOR HER.

Tamika: I'LL BE EXHAUSTED
EVERY DAY!

I THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING...
THIS HOUSE IS NOT GOING TO WORK.

...A LITTLE BIT, HONEY.

I MEAN, PLEASE,
THIS IS--I MEAN, A DEATH TRAP.

OK, GUYS, YOU'RE REALLY
GOING TO LIKE THIS.

THIS IS
THE MASTER BEDROOM. HUH?

KIND OF SPEAKS
FOR ITSELF, HUH?

THIS IS GREAT, RICHARD.

LOOK AT THAT--RECESSED LIGHTING,
THERE'S, UH, THREE WINDOWS.

YOU'RE GONNA GET A GREAT VIEW
IN HERE, A LOT OF WARMTH,

UM...WE GOT ANOTHER KETTLE OVER
THERE, WOOD-BURNING STOVE...

FOR SOME REASON.
I LIKE THE STOVE.

THERE'S A GUY--THERE'S A GUY
IN THE BED.

YEAH, YEAH.

RICHARD, RICHARD.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT UNCOMMON
FOR THAT WHEN YOU TOUR A HOUSE

AT 6AM IN THE MORNING.

WHAT?
DOES--HE LIVES HERE?

YEAH, HE DOES.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

WELL, WE'RE HERE BEFORE
EVERYBODY ELSE GETS HERE

SO WE GET A JUMP ON IT.

EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM--
YOU KNOW, THAT TYPE OF THING.

THE WORM BEING
THE HOUSE.

OK, WELL, I THINK THIS IS THE
LARGEST KIDS ROOM WE'VE SEEN.

WOULDN'T YOU AGREE? I MEAN,

THEY'VE OBVIOUSLY USED
ALL THE WALL SPACE

CARRIE'S GONNA
LOVE THIS.

OH! THAT'S 50 CENTS.
OH, HE'S DARLING.

Peter: LOTS OF ROOM.

YOU KNOW, I'M THINKING, UM,
WE NEED A DANCE--A DANCE ROOM,

IS WHAT WE NEED.

OH, WELL, THAT'S AN EASY
RENOVATION JOB, ACTUALLY.

I DON'T FELL LIKE
I SHOULD HAVE TO PUT IT IN.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I WANNA FIND
A PLACE THAT HAS A DANCE ROOM.

DANCE ROOM.

YEAH.
OK, WELL, LET'S MOVE ON.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Allen: HI, GUYS!
HI Y'ALL!

HI, ALLEN. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?

CESAR SALAD, HUH?
HAVE FUN!

PEAR GOAT CHEESE.
OOH! PETER, HOW ARE YOU?

BA-DAH!
AH!

YOU DID IT.
I DID.

DOESN'T IT LOOK GREAT? HEY, WHAT
DO YOU THINK OF THE GOLD, HUH?

YEAH. IT'S GREAT.
DID YOU LOOK AT THE GOLD?

YEAH, WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

IT'S THE RECIPE MY MOM SENT ME.
I'VE NEVER TRIED THAT.

FANTASTIC.

WHAT BRAND OF CROUTONS
IS THAT?

MINE. I MADE 'EM.

YOU GET OUT OF TOWN!

MM-HM, THEY'RE HOMEMADE.
YES--

OH, THAT'S--THAT'S ALLEN.
HE'S PLAYING WITH THE PLUS TEN.

OH, YEAH, PETER DID
THE SAME THING.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
YEAH, I'M JUST...

I DIDN'T KNOW
HUMANS COULD DO THAT.

HERE WE GO. 31, ENTER.
ENTER? 33 ENTER?

AHA!

IT'S STILL WORKING.

HEY, LADIES, HONEY, I WANT TO
SHOW YOU SOMETHING UPSTAIRS.

I THINK SOMEBODY IS CALLING US.
OK. WELL, NOW I'M ALL--

COME ON, GUYS!
KNEE-DEEP IN TUNA CASSEROLE--

COME HERE, COME HERE.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.

OK, GOOD, NOW, 536, ENTER,
AND VOILA!

OH. WOW.

HONEY!
YOU NEEDED A SCRAPBOOK TABLE.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, IT'S GOT
YOUR PENCILS AND YOUR SCISSORS

AND ALL YOUR LITTLE DO HICKIES
AND DO THATS AND YOUR RIBBONS

AND I LOVE THIS HIGH INTENSITY
MAGNIFIER WITH SCOPE LIGHTS

FOR CLOSE WORK.

IS THIS WHY I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
IN TWO DAYS?

AND HERE, WATCH, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WATCH THIS--5-2-1 ENTER.

[BUZZER]
HOHH!

IT'S, UH, IT'S, UH, I THINK IT'S
BIGGER THAN THE ONE I HAVE.

I KNOW, I KNOW,
IT TAKES UP A LOT OF ROOM

BUT THAT'S WHY YOU GUYS

ARE HELPING US
TO FIND A NEW HOUSE.

WELL, DINNER IS ON.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, I GOTTA...

DO YOU WANNA CANCEL?
I FORGOT ABOUT DRESSING.

ALRIGHT. ONWARDS
AND UPWARDS.

I THINK THIS IS BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

WE WERE ACTUALLY THINKING OF
TAKING--FOR HER SUMMER TRIP

NEXT YEAR--TAKING HER TO AFRICA.
OH, WONDERFUL.

OUR KID SHOULD
EXPERIENCE THAT ONCE.

WE WOULD LOVE TO GO TO AFRICA.
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE AGES

UNTIL WE GET THE CHANCE TO GO,
WITH ALLEN'S WORK SCHEDULE,

TRYING TO ADD THINGS ON
TO THIS--HE'S JUST A MANIAC.

YOU HAVE BEEN DOING A GREAT JOB.
I HAVE TO SAY I AM IMPRESSED.

THANKS. LET'S SEE. I MEAN,
WE'VE GOT THE X10 AND...

THE FENCE AND, UH,

WE'VE GOT THE NEW FURNITURE
AND THE CROWN MOLDING.

WE'VE GOT THE SURROUND SOUND,
WE GOT THE WIDE SCREEN TV

AND I'VE GOT TO FINISH UP
THE GAZEBO AND THEN, UM,

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT,
WOULD BE TO HAVE A POOL

AND THEN MAYBE EVEN
A DANCE FLOOR.

WOULD YOU LIKE A DANCE FLOOR?

ANYWAY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK WE
SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME.

I THINK WE SHOULD TOO.

I REALLY--MAYBE NEXT WEEK,
YOU KNOW, WE'LL DO DINNER,

MAYBE A LITTLE GRILL
IN THE BACKYARD.
THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU. WELL, THE ONLY THING
IS WE JUST GOT TO, UM, WATCH OUT

WHAT IT IS WE ARE PREPARING

BECAUSE CARRIE'S
GONNA HAVE BRACES.

[GASPS]

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL
COME OFF IN NO TIME.

YEAH, IT'LL MAKE YOU LOOK
A LITTLE OLDER. DON'T WORRY.

NO CORN ON THE COB
FOR YOU.

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING
ON JULIE'S BRACES FOR?

FOR A COMMISSION CHECK?

OH, ALLEN.

WELL, ACTUALLY, JULIE
DOESN'T REALLY NEED BRACES.

SHE'S HAD THAT PERFECT BITE
HER WHOLE LIFE PRETTY MUCH.

OK, HERE IS THE SKINNY
WITH THIS PROPERTY.

THE OWNERS
HAVE ALREADY MOVED OUT,

THEY HAD TO LEAVE IN A HURRY

SO I THINK THAT GIVES US
A LITTLE BIT OF LEVERAGE

FOR WHAT WE WANNA DO.

THAT'S A RANCH STYLE HOUSE.
YEAH, WELCOME TO THE SUBURBS.

OK, HERE WE ARE.

[BOBBY GASPS]

[LAUGHS]

O.M.G.! UH...PFF...
THIS IS IT.

THIS IS
OUR FORMAL LIVING ROOM.

Tamika: MM-HM.

NOT LIKE ANYONE'S GONNA
COME OUT HERE FOR FORMAL DINNERS

OR ANYTHING, BUT IT'S JUST, YOU
KNOW, NICE TO HAVE.

SO YOU'LL PUT ALL YOUR
NICER PIECES OUT HERE, UM,

COME ON.
THE WOOD BURNING,
IS THAT WOOD BURNING THERE?

THAT IS GAS AND NO THAT IS NOT
TACKY, AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

WHEN YOU HAVE LITTLE ONES,

YOU DON'T WANT THEM
IN THERE PLAYING

AND GETTING ALL ASHY.
RIGHT. RIGHT.

GOT ENOUGH ASH.

HERE, THIS IS A F--BIG BEHEMOTH
HERE--THIS IS A FUN THING

AND THIS COMES WITH THE HOUSE.

THEY DIDN'T WANNA PAY
TO MOVE IT OUT. SO ALL--

THEY'RE NOT TAKING IT
WITH THEM?

NO, THEY'RE NOT.
IT'S STAYING HERE

AND IT'S INCLUDED
IN THE OFFER.

WELL, WE DON'T PLAY THE--
PIANO. NEITHER OF US PLAYS.

I'M SURE SOMEBODY DOES.
I'M SURE SOMEBODY DOES,

BUY A HOUSE,
GET A PIANO FREE.

COME ON, LET'S GO SEE
THE YARD.

THIS IS REALLY THE JEWEL
OF THE WHOLE PROPERTY.

YOU ARE--THIS IS GONNA
KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.

THE OPEN FLOOR PLAN
CARRIES THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE,

UH, STONE FIREPLACE,
BUILT-IN ENTERTAINMENT CENTER.

WOW, LOOK AT THE SPACE IN HERE.
Mary: OH, MY GOSH.

THIS ISLAND'S BEAUTIFUL.
YOU COULD PUT LIKE A BIG BASKET

OR A GIANT WOODEN CHICKEN.
IT'S SO ELEGANT.

DON'T TOUCH.
OH, SORRY.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,

IS THERE AN AUTOMATED,
UH, SPRINKLER SYSTEM?

YOU MAY ASK THAT QUESTION
AND I WILL ANSWER IT

AND THE ANSWER IS YES,

AUTOMATIC SPRINKLERS.
AND LOOK, A GAZEBO

YOU CAN START YOUR OWN CHURCH.

NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS. THAT'S REAL
STONE, THAT'S NOT FAUX STONE.

YEAH, I TOUCHED IT.

OH, RICHARD.

YEAH.
THIS IS HUGE.

YEAH, LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE
VAULTED CEILINGS, EXPOSED BEAM.

IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE, HUH?

WE'RE GONNA GET THE PRICE DOWN
FOR YOU, TOO,

AND THAT'S THE GOOD THING.

TOM--TOM AND I
WERE TALKING ABOUT IT--
UH-OH, TALKING.

YEAH, THE INTEREST RATES
HAVE DROPPED SINCE THE--

THE THING
IN THE MIDDLE EAST, THE--

OH, YEAH. I SAW THAT
ON CNN YESTERDAY.

YEAH.
INTEREST RATES HAVE PLUMMETED.

SO WE DON'T NEED TO DO
ANY MORE OF THAT.

DID YOU SEE THE GUYS ARM
JUST COME FLYING OFF?

NO, I DIDN'T.
WHO HAS A CAMERA SET UP THERE?

WHAT WE'RE SAYING IS THAT WE
DON'T NEED TO DO ANY OTHER STUFF

THAT YOU DO.
OH, TOM,

YOU'RE DOING THE PANSY THING
AGAIN.

DO YOU SEE IT?
DO YOU FEEL IT?

HE IS NOT A PANSY,
HE IS A STRONG MAN.

SO WHAT'S HE, A MOMMA'S BOY--
WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL IT.

BUT WE GOT--
WE GOTTA STICK WITH THE PLAN.

THAT'S INSULTING.
WE MADE A DEAL, RIGHT?

WE DIDN'T MAKE A DEAL.
WE DIDN'T SIGN A DEAL.

LET'S CALM DOWN,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE VIEW.

LET'S THINK ABOUT THAT
FOR A MOMENT.

LOOK AT THIS VIEW.
LOOK OUT THIS WINDOW

AND TELL ME YOU DON'T LOVE THAT.
OH, TOM, THIS IS--

LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S A HUGE BACK YARD.

OK, THIS IS NOT GOOD,
THOUGH.

NO, NO, NO.
RICHARD!

NO, WE--WE--THIS IS WHAT
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT,

WE DON'T WANNA DO--
DON'T LAY A HAND.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA
GET THE PRICE DOWN?

THIS PLACE IS IMMACULATE.
WE CAN AFFORD THIS PLACE.

BUT YOU CAN AFFORD IT MORE
IF YOU LET ME DO MY JOB.

WE DON'T NEED
TO SAVE ANYTHING!

JUST PUT IT AWAY,
PLEASE.

JUST ONE.
OH.

HI. AFTERNOON.
HELLO.

AFTERNOON.
HELLO. HI.

WE'RE JUST GONNA TAKE OUT
THE BACK YARD.

Both: CHECK OUT--
WE'RE GONNA CHECK IT OUT.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

OK, SO HERE WE COME
TO THE HEART OF THE HOUSE.

I THINK YOU'LL AGREE.
WOW.

UM, ANOTHER LIVING AREA--
OH, THAT'S ALL NEW MOLDING,

NEW ENTERTAINMENT CENTER,
BRAND NEW FIREPLACE.
Tamika: IT'S HUGE.

CUSTOM WINDOW TREATMENTS.
THOSE WILL BE INCLUDED.

AND THEN RIGHT HERE
WE REALLY HAVE A COOK'S KITCHEN.

Tamika: I DON'T COOK.

SHE DOESN'T COOK.
WELL, YEAH.

WE ALL START OUT NOT COOKING
AND THEN WE END UP COOKING,

DON'T WE?

THIS IS NICE.

THIS IS KIND OF
A PROVINCIAL THEME.

YEAH, SEE HOW THE WATER
GOES ON AND OFF.

JUST LIKE IT DOES
IN EVERY HOUSE I'VE SHOWN YOU.

OK. THE MASTER BEDROOM.

IT HAS THE HIGH VAULTED
CEILINGS, ANOTHER CEILING FAN,

SOUTHERN EXPOSURE, LOTS OF LIGHT
AND WARMTH THROUGH THE WINDOWS

AND A FIREPLACE.

YEAH, JUST BEFORE YOU SAY
ANYTHING, I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

THIS IS
A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.

IF THIS WERE ON THE MARKET
WHEN KELLY AND I WERE LOOKING,

WE'D BE THE ONES
WRITING THE OFFER.

REALLY?
YEAH.

BUT THE MARKET CAN BE CRUEL
SOMETIMES THAT WAY.

YOU KNOW?
MMM, YEAH.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
IT DOES LEAVE YOU TWO...

IN A REALLY GOOD POSITION.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THIS COULD BE IT.
IT'S FANTASTIC.

OF ALL THE PLACES WE'VE SEEN,
I MEAN THIS IS--

THIS IS AMAZING.
IT'S PRETTY PERFECT.

YEAH.

OK.

SO, UM...

WE'LL DO IT.
OH! THAT'S TERRIFIC.

SO, LISTEN, UM,
HOW SHOULD WE PUT THE OFFER IN?

BECAUSE, I MEAN,
I'D LOVE TO KNOW--

AND WE HAVE THE KITCHEN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Tom: OH, THIS IS HUMONGOUS.

Dawn: TOM, THIS IS WHAT
I ALWAYS IMAGINED FOR US.

BOXED UP. THESE PEOPLE
ARE READY TO GO.

WHICH MEANS
THEY'RE READY TO SELL.

[SMASHING]

SURE.
LOOK AT THIS ISLAND.

Richard: YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
Dawn: IT'S MARBLE?

MARBLE. YEAH.

WAS MARBLE.
CHECK THIS OUT.

HEY, COME ON.
RICHARD!

[SIGHS]

IT'S PERFECT JUST THE WAY IT IS.
IT'S PERFECT.

IT'S PERFECT.

WELL, LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF
THE FEATURES. WE'VE GOT, UH...

BUILT-IN MICROWAVE.
NOT BAD, RIGHT?

STONE TILES, UM...

BIG REFRIGERATOR,
IT'S COMING WITH THE PLACE.

Dawn: IT'S HUGE.
EVERYTHING'S--I CAN'T STOP.

Tom: YEAH, IT IS,
IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

SO, HOW LONG
DO YOU THINK IT WILL BE

FROM THE TIME
WE PUT IN THE OFFER

TILL WE HEAR ABOUT THE HOUSE?

OH, THESE SELLERS,
WE'RE GONNA KNOW RIGHT AWAY.

[LAUGHS]
WE'RE GONNA TAKE IT!

SO, WE'RE GONNA
GO AHEAD WITH THIS.

DO YOU FEEL GOOD
ABOUT THE OFFER?

WELL, I MEAN,
IT DOESN'T HAVE A POOL.

AH! JUST KIDDING.
WE'RE GONNA GET A HOUSE.

YOU.
[LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

IF THIS HAD BEEN
A MONTH EARLIER,

THIS MIGHT HAVE BEEN
THE JACOBSEN HOUSE.

INSTEAD...
IT'S OURS.

Bobby: OH, MAN.

MORE VAULTED CEILINGS.
ANOTHER CEILING FAN.

YEAH, YOU LIKE THEM?
YEAH.

YOU KNOW...

ANOTHER GAS FIREPLACE.
FIREPLACE IN THE MASTER BEDROOM.

THAT IS...
VERY NICE.

THROW A...LEOPARD RUG
DOWN THERE.

WE COULD PULL UP THE CARPET
AND PUT SOME HARDWOOD BOARDS.

TAKE THAT OUT.

I MEAN, THE KIDS' BEDROOMS
ARE REALLY NICE,

THE BACKYARD, THE KITCHEN.

Tamika: I LIKE IT.
Bobby: THE BATHTUB?
OH, COME ON...

YOU LIKE IT?
I LIKE IT.

YOUR OWN PROPERTY, KIDS.

CAN WE DO THIS?
I THINK WE CAN DO THIS.

YEAH.
[BOTH LAUGH]

OH!

I'M OK.

LET'S--
DON'T SQUISH THE FETUS.

YEAH, COME ON,
LET'S WRITE AN OFFER.

IF WE DON'T GET ON THIS,
OK?

RICHARD?
TOM?

THERE WILL BE TWO OFFERS MADE
ON THIS HOUSE THIS AFTERNOON.

TWO OFFERS, TOM.
BY WHO?

THERE ARE TWO DIFFERENT COUPLES
LOOKING AT THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW

AND I OVERHEARD
BOTH OF THEM.

THEY'RE REALLY EXCITED
ABOUT IT.

SWEETIE, IF WE
WANNA DO THIS,

WE GOTTA
MAKE UP OUR MIND NOW.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK THIS IS
OUR HOME.

I MEAN, I FELT LIKE THAT
WHEN WE FIRST CAME IN.

I MEAN, DID YOU FEEL GOOD
ABOUT IT WHEN WE FIRST CAME IN?

I FELT INCREDIBLE.
THIS BATHROOM IS HUGE.

IT'S PERFECT.
IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE SHOULD DO?

LET'S DO IT.

RICHAR--

OH, GOD.
SWEETIE.

RICHARD!

OH, MY--TOM!

RICHARD!
RICHARD!

STOP--STOP IT!
RICHARD!

STOP IT, RICHARD!
RICHARD, RICHARD.

TOM, TOM, LOOK, LOOK,
I KNOW THIS LOOKS UNORTHODOX.

IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL,
IT'S A STANDARD PROCEDURE.

IT'S NOT
A STANDARD PROCEDURE.

I THINK I KNOW WHAT
STANDARD PROCEDURE IS.

WELL, YOU MAYBE NEED TO
GO BACK TO BASIC.

WHOA! WHAT'S WITH
THE TONE THERE, TOM?

I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS,
TRYING TO GET THIS HOUSE HERE.

NO, WE'RE NOT FRIENDS,
OK?

THAT'S INSANE!

YOU JUST POINT YOUR FINGER
AT ME?
YEAH, I DID!

YOU POINTED YOUR FINGER AT ME?
YEAH.

ARE WE TAKING THIS
TO THE NEXT LEVEL?

IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING?
YES.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE MAN ENOUGH
TO, OK?

SO LET ME JUST DO MY JOB.
NO!

DO IT, TOM!
GET HIM!

YOU LITTLE--UGH!

WHAT DO YOU WANT, TOM?
YOU WANT THE HOUSE!

YOU WANT THE HOUSE, TOM!

TOM, THRUST HIM
TO THE GROUND.

Dawn: GO TO THE LEFT OF HIM!
GO BACK ROUND, GET HIS BACK!

YOU'RE STRONGER
THAN THAT, TOM.

ROLL BACK.

TOM, ROLL TOWARDS MY VOICE.

ROLL TOWARDS MY VOICE, TOM.

YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?

YOU'RE ALMOST ON TOP AGAIN.

THIS IS OUR LIFE.
GET ON TOP, TOM.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
HOLD HIM, HOLD HIM STEADY.

Dawn: * WIDE

* I CANNOT GET O'ER
Tom: GET OFF ME!

Dawn: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HI!
HELLO.

HI.
HAVE A SEAT.

OK.
HERE?

MM-HM.

ON YOUR ANTIQUE STOOLS?
SIT, PLEASE.

OH, SWEETHEART.
I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.

DON'T SCRATCH THE FLOOR.
SORRY.

WELL, WE FOUND THE HOME
OF OUR DREAMS THIS MORNING.

WILLOW CREST.
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

IT'S AN AMAZING HOUSE.
IT'S, UH, FINALLY FOR ME, ROOM.

ROOM.

ARE WE READY
TO MAKE AN OFFER?
YES, WE ARE.

BAD NEWS.

THERE ARE MULTIPLE OFFERS
COMING IN ON THAT PROPERTY.

IT'S QUITE THE HOT TICKET
OUT THERE IN NOWHERESVILLE

SO YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO BID
OVER THE ASKING PRICE

IF YOU THINK YOU EVEN HAVE
A SHOT AT GETTING IT.

SO HOW MUCH OVER
DO YOU WANNA TO GO?

IT'S A LITTLE TROUBLING BECAUSE
WE COULD AFFORD THE ASKING PRICE

BUT NOW WITH MULTIPLE BIDDERS,

I'M NOT SO SURE THAT WE'RE GONNA
BE ABLE TO AFFORD THE HOME.

TAMIKA IS GONNA STAY HOME
WITH THE BABY

AND I'LL BE THE ONLY ONE WORKING

AND THE SAD REALITY IS THAT...

I DON'T THINK
WE'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO DO IT.

SO, I'M THINKING THAT WE SHOULD
WRITE A LETTER TO THE SELLER

TO CONVINCE HER
THAT WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE

AND TO LOOK PAST, YOU KNOW,

THE DOLLAR SIGNS AND...

AND THINK ABOUT
WHO IS GOING TO BE

TAKING OVER HER--
HER OLD HOUSE.

YOU WANNA WRITE
A LETTER...TO THE SELLER?

I THINK IT'S BEST.
GREAT.

WILL YOU C.C. IT
TO SANTA CLAUS FOR ME?

RICHARD?
MM?

WE ARE PREPARED TO WRITE
A FULL PRICE OFFER

ON WILLOW CREST.
DAWN,

LISTEN TO ME. IT IS GOING
INTO MULTIPLE OFFERS, OK?

THAT'S NOT GONNA MATTER, WE NEED
TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT,

WE NEED TO DO
SOMETHING DRASTIC.
725, THEN.

I THINK WE SHOULD DO 725. IF
IT'S GOING INTO MULTIPLE OFFERS,

THEN WE SHOULD DO HIGHER
THAN THE FULL PRICE

THEN PEOPLE WON'T WANT
TO BID THAT HIGH

AND WE'LL SECURE THE HOUSE
THAT WAY.

TOM, 700,000.

I DON'T THINK YOU SEE
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

IS THAT IF WE--
IF WE SECURE THE HOUSE,

THEN NOBODY IS GONNA WANT
TO BID THAT MUCH

AND WE HAVE THE MONEY
SO WE CAN DO IT.

SO THAT--THAT'S
THE ONLY REASON I--

JUST LET ME HELP YOU.

I'VE GOT FRIENDS IN
THE MIDDLE EAST WHO CAN DO MAGIC

WITH--WITH THE HOMELAND SECURITY
THING A--A--AND BRING

THE--THE--THE LEVEL TO ORANGE
AND FREAK PEOPLE OUT

AND BRING THE INTEREST RATES
DOWN.

WE'LL GET THIS HOUSE FOR YOU.
NO!

ONE RABBIT
THROWN THROUGH THE WINDOW

AND THEY WILL BRING THE PRICE--
NO!

NO!

WE'RE NOT DOING
EITHER OF THOSE.

WE'RE NOT THROWING RABBITS
THROUGH THE WINDOWS ANYMORE

AND WE'RE NOT DOING SOME...

GEO POLITICAL INTEREST RATE
HOME SECURITY THING.

WE'RE DOING A NORMAL BID.

LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. AND
WE'RE GONNA DO THE BID BY FAX

OR EMAIL, OR WHATEVER IS FASTER.

BY BICYCLE COURIER
IF WE HAVE TO.

I KNOW PEOPLE
THAT RIDE BIKES. OK?

AND I WANT YOU TO DO IT
RIGHT NOW

AND I WANT YOU TO WRITE IT
ON THAT PIECE OF PAPER.

FINE,
WHAT'S YOUR BID?

$725,000.

TOM, 700,000.

YOU DID NOT HEAR ME!

I SAID 725.

700!

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING.

OKAY. CATFISH!
[LAUGHS] OK.

[SIGHS]

THIS LOOKS GOOD.

YEAH, I THINK SO TOO.

IT'S GREAT.
SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

YOU WILL TAKE WHAT YOU P--
TOOK FROM MY TRAY

AND YOU WILL PUT IT BACK
ON THE TRAY.

OH--
IMMEDIATELY.

Both: WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I HAD A WORLD WAR 2
CIGARETTE LIGHTER ON MY TRAY

AND I WANT IT RETURNED.

ARE YOU INFERRING THAT I TOOK
YOUR WORLD WAR 2 LIGHTER?

I'M NOT INFERRING IT,
I'M FLAT OUT SAYING IT.

YOU ARE SITTING RIGHT HERE.
I HAD A LIGHTER

AND NOW MY LIGHTER'S GONE.

YES...
SO GIVE IT BACK.

...WE ARE SITTING RIGHT HERE
AND YOU HAVE BEEN SITTING THERE

THE WHOLE TIME, HILLARY.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, HILLARY,

I DO NOT HAVE YOUR LIGHTER.
HE DOESN'T HAVE YOUR LIGHTER.

I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU
COMING IN TO MY HOME

AND TAKING MY THINGS.

AFTER I HAVE BUSTED MY BUTT
FOR YOU, SISTER FRIEND.
WE DON'T TAKE YOUR THINGS.

I'M NOT YOUR SISTER FRIEND

FIRST OF ALL, OK?
SHE IS NOT YOUR SISTER FRIEND

AND WE DO NOT APPRECIATE
THAT TYPE OF TONE WITH US.

WE ARE--YOU ARE HIRED BY US.

LIGHT UP A BLUNT IN THE CAR--
MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU TOOK IT.

THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS!

I WILL NOT HAVE YOU
TALKING TO US LIKE THAT.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
BLUNT?

WHAT KIND OF MOTIVATION
COULD WE HAVE

TO TAKE YOUR STUPID LIGHTER?

WE DON'T NEED YOUR LIGHTER,
OK?

WE'RE DOING VERY WELL.
WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT IS A BLUNT?

NOBODY NEEDS A LIGHTER,
NOBODY NEEDS ANYTHING

BUT IF IT'S RIGHT THERE
AND YOU CAN TAKE IT, WHY NOT?

I MEAN, DON'T WE OWE YOU
FOR EVERY OTHER THING

THAT'S EVER HAPPENED IN LIFE?

WHAT?
WHAT...

OWE?
...ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

AND WHAT IS A BLUNT?

YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE LIKED
TO HAVE GONE TO COLLEGE

BUT I COULDN'T GET
A SCHOLARSHIP--

I WILL HAVE THE N.A.A.C.P.
SO FAR UP YOUR BUTT...
...WHAT HAPPENED 200 YEARS AGO.

200? 200 YEARS AGO?
YOU WILL BLEED.

OH, YOU WILL?
YES, YES, I WILL.

TAKE ME TO DINNER FIRST.

I'VE CERTAINLY SPENT
ENOUGH MONEY ON YOU TWO.

JUST PUT IT DOWN ON THE TRAY
AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, OK?
WE DON'T HAVE YOUR LIGHTER.

I WOULD GLADLY LOVE
TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE.
I'M SO DONE WITH THE TWO OF YOU.

I'M DONE--
YOU'VE REALLY--

THIS YOUR LIGHTER?

THE ONE THAT, UH, OBVIOUSLY
HAS FALLEN FROM YOUR DESK

INTO YOUR CURTAIN.

IS THIS THE LIGHTER?

THANK YOU.

I'M JUST GONNA NEED YOU
TO INITIAL THIS.

WELL, WE PUT A, UM--WE PUT
A BID IN ON WILLOW CREST,

WHICH IS A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE,
JUST HAS EVERYTHING WE WANT

AND ALLEN, HE'S DONE
SO MUCH WITH THIS HOUSE.

YOU CAN SEE
IT'S JUST BEAUTIFUL.

AND UM...

I JUST DON'T THINK...

I'M QUITE READY FOR...

HI, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I JUST--

I JUST DON'T THINK
I CAN DO THIS.

HONEY? HONEY?

ARE YOU OK?
WHAT'S GOING ON?

I DON'T WANNA LEAVE,
ALLEN.

HEY. HEY.
[SOBBING]

HEY, COULD YOU GUYS
GO AWAY, PLEASE?

Man: SO, HOW HAVE YOU
BEEN FEELING?

GREAT.
MOODY.

MOODY?
HE ASKED ME HOW I WAS FEELING,

I FEEL GREAT.
I KNOW.

HE DIDN'T ASK YOU.
I KNOW.

THIS IS GONNA BE COLD
FOR A SECOND.
SHE'S UPSET A LOT, YOU KNOW?

IT'S OK.
WARM UP IN A SECOND.

OK.
SHE'S BEEN PUKING A LOT TOO.

OH, THAT IS VERY NORMAL
FOR THIS TIME PERIOD
IT'S VERY NORMAL

FOR THIS TIME PERIOD.
SURE.

LET'S CHECK THE SCREEN,
SEE WHAT WE FIND.

AND...THERE IS YOUR BABY.
THAT'S IT?

MM-HM.

Doctor: THERE'S YOUR BABY
AT SEVEN WEEKS.

[SNIFFS]

[SIGHS]
EVERYTHING LOOKS GREAT.

HONEY, THAT'S OUR BABY.

Doctor: IF YOU'D LIKE, I COULD
GET YOU A PICTURE OF THIS.

Tamika: YES.
Bobby: YES, PLEASE.

Doctor: SURE, I'D BE HAPPY TO.

I'LL LEAVE THE SEAT DOWN, OK?
OK.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I WONDER WHO THAT
COULD BE. COMING!

PETER!
HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

ALLEN, HOW ARE YOU?
HI, PETER!

COME ON IN. IT'S PETER.
CAN I GET YOU SOME JUICE OR--

NO, THANK YOU.
I THINK I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.

OK. ALRIGHT.

WHAT'S UP?
WELL...

BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS
TYPE OF THING, YOU KNOW.

UH, UNFORTUNATELY,
THERE IS ANOTHER BUYER

FOR THE WILLOW CREST
PROPERTY.

AH.
WE THOUGHT THAT MIGHT HAPPEN.

BUT WE DO HAVE A BUYER
THAT WROTE AN OFFER

ABOVE ASKING PRICE
FOR YOUR HOME.

REALLY?
OH, WOW!

ALL THIS WORK
YOU HAVE DONE

HAS--HAS REALLY RAISED
THE PROPERTY VALUE.

IT'S JUST INCREDIBLE.
YOU SHOULD BE VERY HAPPY.

WE ARE. WE'RE--
WE'RE VERY HAPPY.

FANTASTIC.
GOOD FOR YOU.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
WE ARE...HAPPY.

GOOD.
HERE, I MEAN.

YOU KNOW, UH, PETER,
WE WERE GONNA CALL YOU

BECAUSE WHAT WE'VE REALIZED
FROM ALL OF THIS

IS THAT...
WE'RE HAPPY HERE.

AND I THINK WE'RE GONNA
TAKE THE HOUSE OFF THE MARKET.

BUT, YOU KNOW, PETER, IT--IT
WAS YOU THAT HELPED US REALIZE--

YOU DID SUCH A GREAT JOB, PETER.
OH, MY GOODNESS.

THERE FROM THE BEGINNING.
WOULD YOU LIKE A MUFFIN?

BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT THE GREAT NEWS IS?

WE'RE STILL GONNA BE NEIGHBORS,
NEIGHBOR.

[LAUGHS]

OH! ALLEN!
[COUGHS]

WHAT'D I SAY?

Dawn: CAN I JUST GET ONE, TOM?
Tom: WELL, HONEY, NO.

JUST ONE FOR LUCK.

ALL RIGHT, ONE.

GET ONE, A SMALL ONE.

[CELL PHONE]

HOLD ON, HOLD ON,
IT'S MY PHONE.

IT'S RICHARD.

HELLO?

OK.

UM...

OK.

WELL, I'M SORRY
TO HEAR THAT, RICHARD.

DA--

NO, OK,
THANK YOU.

DAWN, DAWN, DAWN, DAWN,
DAWN, DAWN, DON'T--DON'T--

DON'T PUT THEM IN THE BAG,
IT'S OK, IT'S OK.

[SCREAMS] I WANTED
THAT HOUSE!

NO, IT'S FINE, IT--

[WAILS]

IT--NO, I--
[SCREECHES]

IT'S OK,
IT'S OK, IT'S OK.

[SOBBING]
IT'S OK. IT--

DAWN, DAWN, DAWN,
THERE'S OTHER HOUSES,

THERE'LL BE
TONS OF HOUSES.

THERE'S MILLIONS OF HOUSES
OUT THERE.

OK.
[SCREECHES]

* OH THE RIVER IS WIDE
* ...WIDE

* I CANNOT CROSS O'ER

* AND NEITHER HAVE I
THE WINGS TO FLY *

[WAILS]
FEEL BETTER?

Bobby: ORPA?
Tamika: ORFA?

ORPA.
ORPA.

THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THAT IS DIFFERENT, YEAH.

I KINDA LIKE THAT.
MM-HM.

BRETT.
BRETT'S A LITTLE TOO WHITE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
IT'S OPEN!

ELVIRA.
MM-HM.

HI, HOW ARE YOU?
HEY!

HILLARY.

HI.
HELLO.

YOU GOT THE HOUSE.
Bobby: WE GOT THE HOUSE?

OH, MY!
OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, MWAH!
MWAH!

[BOTH LAUGH]

COME ON, HILLARY.

IT'S OK.

[SNIFFS] THANK YOU.

[SNIFFS] THANK YOU
SO MUCH.

THANK YOU.

[SOBS]

IT'S OK.

[WAILS] I'M A JACKASS!
NO, NO.

NO, YOU'RE NOT A JACKASS.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN
SO GREAT TO ME.

IT'S OK.

I'M A JACKASS!
NO, YOU'RE NOT BAD.

NO.

I'M NOT A RACIST.
I'M NOT A RACIST.

YOU WERE JUST
UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.

I'M ALWAYS UNDER STRESS!

[WAILS INCOHERENTLY]

IT'S OK.

I THINK I PEED
ON MYSELF. I'M SORRY.

OH.

SHE'S...

SHE'S PREGNANT, SO...

HER BLADDER IS VERY SENSITIVE.
YEAH.

CONGRATULATIONS.
CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU.

I LOVE MARSHMALLOWS.

YEAH?
WELL, HELP YOURSELF.

THANKS.

YEAH, SHE'S NOT HERE,
SO, YEAH, YOU CAN EAT 'EM.

SHE'S PROTECTIVE
OF THOSE TOO.

EBONY AND IVORY.
YEAH.

WE DON'T HAVE A LOT IN COMMON,
DO WE?

NO.
NO, OK.

I'M GONNA...GO HERE.

[SNIFFS] I RESPECT
YOUR PEOPLE.

Mary: HURRY UP, ALLEN,
THE MOVIE'S STARTING!
Carrie: COME ON, DAD!

Allen: OK, HERE I COME.

TWO AND A HALF MINUTES
FOR THE POPCORN.

EVERYBODY READY?

IT--IT TURNS OUT WE DIDN'T
ACTUALLY GET A NEW HOUSE--

I MEAN, LIKE, IN TERMS OF
BUYING ANOTHER HOUSE BUT...

WE ACTUALLY GOT
A NEW HOUSE HERE.

Mary: AND WE LOVE IT.

WE ABSOLUTELY ADORE
THIS PLACE.

IT--IT'S BEEN A FEW MONTHS NOW
AND I'M ACTUALLY WORKING ON

A CAREER CHANGE.
I'M TAKING CLASSES...

TELL THEM.

HE'S GONNA BECOME
A REAL ESTATE AGENT.

I THINK IT'S JUST A GAS!

I MEAN,
IT WAS A NO-BRAINER.

I MEAN, PETER,
WHO TAUGHT ME A GREAT DEAL,

HAD HE SOLD OUR HOUSE

AND HELPED US BUY
A NEW ONE,

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN 6%,
3% ON EACH HOME.

THAT'S A HECK OF A LOT OF MORE.
Mary: YEP.

THROUGH THIS PROCESS, I LEARNED
TO LISTEN TO MY WIFE A BIT TOO.

AND I LEARNED TO LISTEN
TO MY INSTINCTS

FROM THE VERY BEGINNING.

I ALSO LEARNED
YOU CAN MAKE CROUTONS.

[GRUNTS]
YOU GOT IT?

HELLO, LITTLE ONES.
HI, BABIES.
HI, GUYS!

HEY, LOOK AT WHO'S GOT
A TREAT FOR YOU.

LOOK WHO'S GOT A TREAT
FOR YOU.

WELL, WE, UH, WE DIDN'T
GET WILLOW CREST.

WHO KNEW IT WOULD MAKE US
THIS HAPPY?

YEAH, WE ARE--
WE ARE A LITTLE BIT RELIEVED.

LOOK AT BIG STRONG DADDY
WITH YOUR FOOD.

THE HOUSE HUNT
IS TEMPORARILY ON HOLD.

BUT IT'S A GOOD HOLD,
IT'S A POSITIVE HOLD

IT'S A THOUGHT OUT HOLD.

THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE SAVING SOME MONEY

AND I DON'T NEED
MOST OF THIS STUFF.

SO IT'S WORKING OUT WELL.

AND I FEEL LIKE WE CAN REALLY
FIND THE HOUSE THAT WE WANT...

YOU KNOW, FOR THE PRICE
THAT WE WANNA PAY.

AND, UH, WE'RE BEING SMART
ABOUT IT.

YEAH. AND I DON'T THINK
WE'LL BE PRESSURED INTO ANYTHING

OR ANY KIND OF, YOU KNOW,
COMPROMISED SITUATIONS

NEXT TIME.
YEAH.

AND THESE GUYS ARE GETTING
USED TO THE STORAGE UNIT.

Dawn: I THINK THEY LIKE IT.
I THINK THEY DO.

WE COULD ALWAYS LIVE
IN HERE. [LAUGHS]

WITH THESE TWO.
WITH THESE GUYS, AND GO BLIND.

UH, THAT'S--THAT'S REALLY IT.

RICHARD, WE DON'T KNOW
WHERE RICHARD IS.

Dawn: WELL, EVERY TIME THE
SECURITY ALERT GOES TO ORANGE,

WE THINK OF IT AS A LITTLE HELLO
FROM RICHARD.

RIGHT.
RICHARD, AGENT ORANGE.

WE KEEP OUR POWER TOOLS
UNDER OUR BED.

I'M SURE HE'S ALIVE.

Tamika: WE DID IT.
Bobby: WE DID IT. WOW!

WE FINALLY, FINALLY DID IT.

I--I FEEL SO COMPLETE, YOU KNOW?

IT--IT'S BEEN A CRAZY RIDE,
IT'S--IT HAS BEEN, YOU KNOW,

AND JUST HAVING
LITTLE REGGIE HERE--

HE'S TWO DAYS SHY
OF FIVE MONTHS NOW.

WHO'S THE NEXT
JOHNNIE COCHRAN?

ME!
WHO'S THE NEXT JOHNNIE COCHRAN?

ME! YAY!

THE DECISION TO BE
A STAY-AT-HOME MOM CAME ABOUT

BECAUSE I MADE A PROMISE
TO MY MOTHER

THAT IF I HAD A CHILD,
I WOULD BE A STAY-AT-HOME MUM.

Bobby: THAT NIGHT,
I HAD HER SIGN A CONTRACT.

I'M KIDDING!
NO, I REALLY DID.

I HAD HER SIGN ONE.
YEAH.

WE ARE SURROUNDED BY TONS
AND TONS OF WHITE PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW THAT?
YEP.

SINCE WE MOVED IN, WE'VE GOTTEN
RID OF THE PARISIAN PROVINCIAL--

UGH--AND WE PAINTED
THE MASTER BEDROOM

A DEEP RICH RED...

CHIANTI.

AND WHAT WE HAVE IN THERE

IS THIS LOVELY, ANTIQUE
CHAISE LONGUE

THAT I LOVE TO SIT ON
AND SING AND READ TO REGGIE ON.

"WHEN EPOSSUMONDAS GOT HOME,

"HIS MAMA LOOKED AT THAT FIST
FULL OF CRUMBS

"AND SHE SAID, 'EPOSSUMONDAS,
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR HAND?'"

HE LOVES REGGIE AND MOMMY TIME.

Bobby: HE LIKES WHEN I
SING TOO TO HIM, THOUGH.

REG! REG. REG!

[LOUD] * HUSH LITTLE BABY
HONEY. HONEY. BOBBY.

BOBBY, THAT'S WHY--
YOU'RE SINGING TOO LOUDLY.

HE SINGS TOO LOUD
AND IT SCARES HIM.

LOOK AT HOW HE'S LOOKING AT YOU,
YOU STARTLE HIM LIKE THAT,

IF YOU SING IN A NICE SOFT,
SMOOTH VOICE,

HE'LL LIKE IT BETTER.
HE SEEMED TO LIKE IT.

MGH!
OH...

HE OBJECTS.
SORRY.

OBJECTION!
[LAUGHS]

ALRIGHT.

WHO IS THAT?
WHO IS THAT?

[ANIMAL NOISES]
WHO IS THAT?

Tamika: WHAT WE DID
WITH THE NURSERY,

IS WE HAVE A LOT OF BUILT-INS

AND ON THE SHELVES WE BOUGHT
TOLSTOY FOR TODDLERS...

Bobby: PRE-LAW FOR BABIES.
Tamika: MM-HM.

UH, BABY EINSTEIN AND--

Bobby: WE HAVE SOME IMAGERY
IN HIS ROOM.

Tamika: MONEY EQUALS POWER
Bobby: AND POWER EQUALS SUCCESS.

AND THAT'S WHAT REGGIE IS--

A POWERFUL, SUCCESSFUL,
MONEY-DRIVEN LITTLE BABY.

[LOUD] * LULLABY
AND GOODNIGHT *

[MUFFLED]
HE'S EATING YOUR FOOT.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YOU GOT HIM?
YEAH.

OK.
I'M EATING YOU.

Bobby: AT THIS POINT
IN MY LIFE,

I DON'T KNOW HOW
I COULD BE ANY HAPPIER

THAN WHAT I AM RIGHT NOW.

BOTH OF US.

I DON'T THINK I COULD BE
ANY HAPPIER EITHER.

[SILLY VOICE]
WHO'S AT THE DOOR?

[GASPS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--