Original subtitles

Hey, Grandma!

Huh?

Guess what today is.

Uh, is it National Spaghetti Day?

The day that the Chinese

gave the recipe to the white people?

They call it Italian? Aw, man!

No, wait. That's January the fourth.

No. No, Grandma, today is when

I get my car outta impound.

Out of the tow yard! Love after lockup!

See this? It's a check from Nancy.

379 big boys.

Oh, bow-bow. I'm so proud of you.

Proud like when I won that...

"Magic: The Gathering" tournament back in 7th grade?

Ah, here we go.

I remember that game like it was yesterday.

My Loam Dweller was at a 2/2,

my Villainous Ogre at 3/2.

Oh, I had this Orochi Sustainer but...

it wasn't enough.

My Moss Kami,

he was backed by this removal spell, but...

couldn't have made a significant impact.

Then... then, I drew the...

The greatest card of all time,

the Lord of Eiganjo.

My opponent tried to throw it down with a Glitterfang,

but mmm, my Gibbering Kami

brought the whole house down.

I looked my opponent in the eyes,

he was shiverin' in his boots.

Didn't he die?

Yeah, that guy... yeah, he died.

But anyway, I'm taking you out, girl!

To a fancy place, with this.

Ha ha! Yeah!

I'm gonna take you out for some "cherra"...

"cherraskaree," "cherraskaria."

Anyway, I gotta go.

I'm gonna wear my funeral suit!

Whip it out, girl!

Hey, Faruque!

Hi, Nora!

Looks like you're having a good day.

Oh, I am. I'm gettin' my car out of jail.

Cool! You want a free kebab?

They're from yesterday so they're extra gamy.

Oh, my G... Yes!

Oh, it's a big boy! Yeah!

Thanks, Faruque.

♪ It starts in my toes ♪

♪ Makes me crinkle my nose ♪

♪ Wherever it goes ♪

Well, I guess the search is over,

'cause I found a old-ass Bobby Fischer.

Bye, guys. Have a good one.

♪ Just take your time wherever you go ♪

♪ It starts in my toes ♪

♪ Makes me crinkle my nose ♪

♪ Wherever it goes I always know ♪

♪ That you make me smile ♪

♪ Please stay for awhile now ♪

♪ Just take your time wherever you go ♪

♪ Wherever you go ♪♪

Hello.

Hello...

Hello?

Oh!

My baby!

Yeah!

My sweet baby!

Yes? Oh!

I'm sorry. I didn't see you...

come out from there. Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm just here actually to...

To get my car out of prison.

Number 3-4-0-2.

Um, so sorry, I'm a little sweaty.

I just walked all the way from Elmhurst.

I don't have sweat glands.

Oh. Everything just stays inside me.

Oh. Every day is a nightmare.

'Kay. Is your car your baby?

No. Did you birth it?

N-No, I-I bought... Um, you know,

I just wanted to... bail my car out.

Do... Do you... Do you accept checks?

We don't accept checks.

Why? Because!

Checks are annoying.

I have to put it in a ledger,

fill out a ton of paperwork.

I don't got the time for that.

I've got a lot going on.

Do you wanna hang out sometime?

I-I can't. I just... I can't.

Uh, I can't do it. Anyway, um...

♪ You've got me feeling like a child now ♪

♪ 'Cause every time I see your bubbly face ♪

♪ I get the tingles in a silly place ♪

♪ It starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose ♪

♪ Wherever it goes I always know ♪

♪ That you make me smile Please stay for awhile now ♪

♪ Just take your time wherever you go ♪

♪ Rain is fallin' on my window pane ♪

♪ But we are hidin' in a safer place ♪

♪ Under covers stayin' dry and warm ♪

♪ You give me feelings that I adore ♪

♪ It starts in my toes makes me crinkle my nose ♪

♪ Wherever it goes I always know ♪

♪ That you make me smile Please stay for awhile now ♪

♪ Just take your time wherever you go ♪

♪ Wherever ♪

♪ Wherever ♪

♪ Wherever you go ♪♪

Yes!

Hi. Hello.

I would love to... cash this... here check.

Okay. If I may?

Thank you. Name on the account, please.

Yes, it's Nora, N-O-R-A, no "H."

Lin, L-I-N.

Nora Lin, Forley Road, Elmhurst?

That is correct, yes.

It says here you're dead.

Sorry, what?!

The bank automatically closes accounts

that have been inactive for two years.

We assume you died. No.

No, no. No. I am... I am alive!

Here's what I can do.

If you want to reopen your account,

I just need a form of identification.

Yes. Actually, I can accommodate with that.

Okay, here we go, that's...

Yes. Thank you.

This is expired.

Where does it say that?

No, no.

Because this license is expired,

I'm legally obligated to do this.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Oh!

Oh... Do you have another form of identification?

Do you know your social security number?

Yes! Yes, I know it.

Um, it's 1-8...

hundred, 5-7-9-6-8-5-9.

Okay, that's too many numbers.

Why do I even need a bank account?

Well, for starters, to build up your credit,

apply for a loan, buy a house

and get a mortgage, not to mention

set up a basic investment portfolio

and formulate a retirement plan.

But without proper identification,

I can't verify that a...

Nora Lin actually exists.

Sorry.

Hey.

What if you asked me something

that only the real Nora Lin would know?

I literally know nothing about you.

So, I can't cash this check?

Nope.

I... look like a blow-up doll!

Huh?!

Thank you for being so lovely. You're welcome.

Have a nice day. Yeah!

What are you lookin' at?!

Okay, social... social... social security card.

What's this?

"Please respond within ten days

or we will close your bank account."

Okay, so she did...

Oh, Pogs!

Hell, yeah, where's the slammer?

Nora. Hey!

You think this is nice for our dinner?

It's my funeral outfit.

Your funeral outfit is... hot.

♪ I bump it with a trumpet ♪

♪ Bump, bump, bump ♪

What about your car?

Oh. It's out gettin' cleaned,

'cause I gotta make it nice, right?

Because I'm taking you out to

the nicest restaurant in the city.

Okay. To...

I'm gonna make a reservation for later this week.

Oh. Oh!

And let's go to a jazz club afterwards.

And we'll pick up some rough trade!

God, why'd I just do that?

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Okay.

♪ Hellooo ♪

Hey, Edmund.

I need my social security number. Do you have it?

Are you kidding me?

You don't know your own social security number?

A lot of people...

don't know their social security numbers.

Why do you think I would know that?

Can't you just hack into the government or somethin'?

Pull up my file?

Oh, my God, grow up.

Just go to the Social Security Office.

Where? The Social Security Office.

Where's that now?

The Social Security Off... You know what?

I don't have time for this.

I have to go to my voice lesson.

You're taking voice lessons?

♪ Goodbye... ♪

Oh, he's gettin' good.

Oh, my...

It's like a Supreme drop, am I right?

So, uh, what are you in for?

I just got married and I have to change the name on my card.

So, marriage, huh?

What's that like,

taking on your husband's name and wearin' it for life?

I mean, where did feminism go, right? I mean...

My wife and I are changing our last names to Timberlake...

because we are big fans.

'Kay?

Okay.

Looks like a lot of paperwork you got there 'cause, uh,

I-I feel unprepared. I didn't bring that much.

Oh, yeah.

I brought all the documentation this time.

Birth certificate, marriage license,

proof of address.

I've got my report card from Cornell,

all my bank account info.

If I have to come back...

to apply for spousal benefits, I will flip.

I will seriously flip!

You had to come back here?

Yeah, this is my third time.

I can't do it. What?

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I just... I can't do it. I can't do it.

There's no way out.

It's been... three hours!

Come on.

Hi!

How are ya? Nice to see ya.

Hi. I had a question

about your, um... fake IDs.

Your fake IDs.

Is there a special discount, say,

if I wanted to put, like, my real information on it?

Wait over there!

Oh, man.

So many kids and their fake IDs.

The line is so long.

Actually, that's my bad. I'm waiting for six IDs.

Six IDs for what?

Oh, for focus groups. Yeah.

Do you know what focus groups are?

No. They're groups where you get paid

to test products before they go on the market.

Uh-huh. It's amazing,

and they're always looking for, like, different demos.

That's inside business for "demographics."

Mm-hmm. That's why I get a bunch of different IDs.

Yeah. It's really easy cash.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I need cash.

I have this, like, one check on me

and it's ruining my life. It's like...

Checks?

That's how the government keeps tabs on you.

You don't need checks.

Yeah, I don't need... I don't need checks.

Yeah, for real.

You know what?

You should do a focus group or two.

I think you'd be amazing at it

because I can't tell if you're nine or ninety-nine.

I'm not saying you have a sex slave kinda look,

but it could help.

Are you, like, a citizen?

Wh... how do you mean?

Doesn't matter. Okay.

Your English is so good, by the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I think you'd be amazing for focus groups.

Yeah, I think you're amazing.

You stick with me, boo-boo. I got you.

So, what did everyone think of the apple juice?

Let's start with our high school student from Jackson Heights.

Tiffie X. Baybee.

Um...

♪ We-we get it we-we-we get it ♪

It was, like, so good.

♪ We-we get it ♪

Almost like a liquid apple pie.

♪ We-we get it we-we-we get it ♪

Mmm! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.

As a blogger and a mom,

I-I just think this barbecue sauce too tangy.

And as the Puerto Rican Paula Deen

of my neighborhood, I concur.

♪ What-what-wha-what What-wha-what ♪

♪ We got two cups ♪

Charmaine Dragontooth,

48-year-old retired male person.

Eric Chao, 19 1/2, and I'm a boy.

Yeah, actually Tiffie told me

it reminded her of apple pie.

I liked it so much that I would love to bring

a whole liter to my high school,

of which I am a student.

And I would love to share it with my bestest

unnies, hyungs, and nunas, um, over at the KFC,

which stands for the Korean Foundation for Christians.

♪ Come fill it up Come-come fill it up ♪

I just adopted him.

Yeah, I became a Rockefeller, um, through marriage, obviously.

Yeah, and you know what?

As a size-18 Cuban Republican, I concur.

♪ I'm sippin' on that lean... ♪

We can take these with us, right?

♪ Come fill it up

♪ Come-come fill it up Fill it up ♪

♪ We get it We-we-we get it ♪

♪ We-we get it We get it, surrender ♪

♪ We-we get it We-we-we get it ♪

♪ We-we get it We get it, surrender ♪

♪ We-we get it We get it, surren-ren-ren ♪

♪ I'm trippin' on that lean not that hood stuff ♪

♪ I'm trippin' I be lean on the good stuff ♪

♪ I'm trippin' I be leanin' off that hood stuff ♪

♪ Wh-wh-what We got two cups ♪

♪ I'm trippin' I be leanin' off that hood stuff ♪

♪ I'm trippin' I be leanin' off that hood stuff ♪

♪ Wh-wh-what We got two cups ♪

Hi, there. Hi.

How are ya? How are you?

Lolo Chen and Nina Winn

here for the Pillow Princess focus group.

Okay.

Excuse me.

God! We are such a good team.

We are.

God, I hop... I hope they have water on this one

'cause I ate so many Saltines at that last one...

Yeah. my tongue swelled up to, like, a raisin.

Oh, I thought that's just, like,

what, like, Asian girls' tongues look like.

No.

I don't know. What am I, Dr. Oz?

I think you're actually

an enhanced version of Meghan Markle.

This is amazing. I'm gonna write a memoir about this.

I'd love to be involved somehow.

Could you be my ghostwriter?

Yeah!

But, um... don't make it too spooky, you know?

Oh, shit! Stay right there!

Hey! Oh, hell, no!

Oh! Oh, hell, no!

Oh, no! No!

Help us! Go! Oh!

Whoa! I can't run!

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Fine!

So, Nora, you want to tell us

how long you've been working with Margaret?

Who is Margaret?

Oh. Oh! Oh!

Oh.

I do know her. Yes, I do.

I do know her. Um...

I-I guess I never got her name.

How long have the two of you been partners?

Partners? I mean... it was like one kiss.

Real quick, no tongue.

This is Margaret Katherine Willincotty.

She's a professional scam artist,

wanted by the FBI in four states for fraud,

embezzlement, money laundering...

No. No, no, no. No.

No, I... she was... She seemed real nice.

I met her in line gettin' fake IDs, all right?

I was in line to get fake IDs

and she was all like,

"I can't tell if you're 12 or 47."

And I took that as a compliment.

So, you weren't in Nashville, Tennessee on April 23rd?

No, no. I've never left the Tri-State area.

I can believe that.

I just, um...

I just wanted to make some money.

Wanted to bail my car out of car jail

and take my grandma to dinner.

I really want to call her right now.

She's no criminal. She's nobody.

I heard that.

Okay. This is depressing.

It's really interesting.

That prostitute with one hand,

I'm glad it didn't ruin her career.

Yeah.

Grandma, I'm sorry.

Aww. Just like a sad nobody.

What?! No, no. Over here, sit down.

You know, it's just...

There are all these things that I don't know about,

and, um... I-I don't want to get left behind.

Oh, bow-bow.

You were born the Year of the Monkey.

The monkey is stubborn.

If the monkey had asked for help,

she would have known that I have your social security card.

You have my social security card?

Oh, yes! I keep it in my business box.

I also have a business box, too.

Yes, I know but, uh, mine is better.

It has documents of actual purpose inside.

Grandma, I'm sorry that we weren't able to go

to jazz club rough trade.

Oh, that's okay.

God, you must be so disappointed.

No, bow-bow.

You could never disappoint me.

You are the "Magic: The Gathering" champion.

Oh, I remember that game like it was yesterday.

Lord of Eiganjo. My opponent was like,

"Ooh, ooh no. Got a Glitterfang."

A what? Nope!

Because my... my Gibbering Kami as like do-do-do-do-doo.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. We brought the whole house down.

Man, he shit his pants.

♪ Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! ♪

♪ Get up Everybody get up ♪

Hello.

Hi. Remember me?

Um, I would like to reopen my bank account, please.

As you will find here, I have my birth certificate.

Yes, I was born.

Great. Social security card, right?

There ya go. All right. Yeah.

Me in elementary school as a baby.

I went to school when I was a baby.

Huh. Yeah.

Actually, we're good with the IDs.

And, uh, this check here,

that I would love to cash after I reopen my account.

Thank you very much.

I'm a very important customer here.

Don't mess with me. I know people.

I'll... I'll get that taken care of right away, Mrs. Lin.

Yeah.

Whoa, Grandma, that was... You're intense.

Uh, Miss Lin.

Your account has been reactivated

and the check has been deposited. Cool.

And, because you're technically opening a new account,

I can offer you a $25 signing bonus.

I would love that. Thank you.

Uh, would you like it deposited into the account?

In cash, please!

Because I would like to use it

to take my grandma to dinner.

Oh, Nora. You don't have to.

I want to. Here you go.

I want crispy bills for my granddaughter,

None of that wrinkly shit that you pull out of your asshole.

Okay.

Pleasure doing business with you.

You too, Mrs. Lin. Always a pleasure.

Bye.

Ahh... cheers to Nora

for getting her car back.

You know, I actually enjoyed doing focus groups

and I-I think that a part of me was...

actually pretty good at it.

Yes, you were!

Proud of you.

Thanks, Grandma. S-speaking of,

what do you think of your, uh, beef noodle?

You really want to know?

Yeah, a-and expand on it as well.

Well, this looks like spaghetti.

It looks like what the white people did

when they went and traveled the Silk Road next to the Chinese,

who were so trusting and giving

and sharing their recipe.

And then they come home, and they put

some stupid tomato sauce on it and...

You'd be great at focus groups

if you were just, like, a little less racist.

What racist? Wha-what do you mean?

What? What racist?

You're not racist. No, I'm not racist.

No. Gee, whiz.

I wish this didn't look so much like spaghetti.

Anyway, uh, what a lovely dinner,

and I'm so glad we were able to eat...

Chinese... anyway, forget it.