Original subtitles

Previously on Young Sheldon... LINKLETTER: Hello, Mrs. Cooper.

I just wanted to let you know, with Dr. Sturgis away,

I'll be available should Sheldon need anything.

Now, I'm not terribly experienced

around children.

If he needs to use the restroom,

I don't have to go in with him, do I?

I don't need you to babysit me.

I'm perfectly self-reliant.

Then it's good I kept the receipt

for this bottle of bubbles shaped like a bear.

Welcome to the world of philosophy.

I'm going to teach you

that you don't even know what you think you know.

Oh, boy.

I'm not going to school. Why not?

Because I don't know what's real.

Nothing matters.

George?!

All right,

what's the problem here?

I don't know what's real.

That's a fun thing to think about on the way to school.

Get up and get dressed.

Maybe I'm already dressed.

Maybe I'm wearing a zoot suit and spats.

That's a shoe covering that's short for "spatterdasher."

Or is it?

There's no way to know.

Here's what I know: I don't have time for this nonsense.

What is time?

What is sense?

What is "is"?

Sheldon, I mean it.

I remember when things meant things.

All right, I'm gonna count to three. One...

Believing in numbers-- that takes me back.

Two... To be or not to be.

Shakespeare was onto something.

It's your last chance.

Have you ever wondered if you're the tongue

of a multidimensional being trying to taste something

you can never even understand?

I have.

I talked to him.

Where is your mother?

She had to leave for work.

I have to work, too.

You also get to take me to school.

What am I supposed to do about your brother?

Call me old-fashioned,

but I say spank him.

Your mom won't let me.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

Okay, I'm here.

What's up?

Sheldon won't get out of bed, and I'm gonna be late for work.

He's gonna be late for school.

So you want me to get him up and drive him?

Yeah.

I like it better

when I just come eat your food and leave.

Hey, Moon Pie.

What's going on here?

That's an excellent question.

Too bad there's no answer.

Well, you need to get out of bed.

I don't need to do anything.

Okay, I'm gonna count to three.

Dad already counted to three.

Oh.

Did he try the Texas thing?

No.

In that case,

look at you,

lyin' there.

When a Texan gets knocked off a horse,

he gets right back on.

That is the second most important thing

about bein' a Texan,

right after thinkin' you're better than everybody else.

Maybe the horse gets back on the Texan.

Who's to say?

I don't know what that means.

That's because you can't know anything.

If you need to stare at the ceiling

and contemplate the futility of existence,

Missy's bed is available.

Amazing.

What is?

I've been using this same pen for seven months,

and it's still going.

That's your bar for amazing?

Yeah.

Sad.

It's the same pen.

(phone rings) It is too early in the morning for you.

Hello.

Yeah. I'll be down in a bit.

Where ya headed?

Principal's office.

Ooh, you're in trouble...

You're a child.

(laughs) I'd rather be a child than in trouble.

Shelly,

Dr. Sturgis is on the line for you.

Maybe he is, maybe he isn't,

but very well.

Hello? Hi, Sheldon.

I hear you're going through some sort of existential crisis.

I suppose so.

I just don't know if we can tell what's real or not.

And if nothing's real, I don't know

what to think or if I'm even thinking at all.

I went through something similar once.

Really? What happened?

I was trekking through the Amazon,

and I saw two frogs,

one hallucinogenic

and the other not.

(chuckles) I tried to lick the normal one,

and, by mistake,

I licked the hallucinogenic one.

It really rocked my world.

Why would you lick either of them?

I'm not sure. Probably low blood sugar.

But the point is,

I also lost track of reality.

How did you handle it?

I saw a jaguar,

and I realized I didn't care if it was real or not.

I just hauled my tushy out of there.

I appreciate the call.

I'm giving you back to my meemaw now.

Bye!

(quietly): Hey, John,

any luck?

Not unless you have access to a jaguar.

I don't think I do.

Really, any jungle cat will do.

Hey, Tom.

George.

Sheldon's not here anymore.

Thought it'd be a while before I got called back

into the principal's office. (exhales)

How's he doing? I miss that kid.

He took a philosophy class and won't get out of bed

'cause he doesn't know what's real anymore.

Anyway, uh,

we need to talk about Georgie.

Should've seen that coming.

What's wrong? Well,

he's been cutting classes.

Already?

Semester's barely started.

He's a go-getter.

Mm.

I'll talk to him. Thanks.

How's the team looking this year, George?

(grunts) We just had one difficult conversation, Tom.

Let's not have another.

Smart. ADULT SHELDON: While my meemaw

wasn't able to acquire a jungle cat,

the idea of tormenting a child did tickle her Texan fancy.

(singsongy): Sheldon.

(chicken clucking)

I have someone else who wants to talk to you.

What are you doing with that filthy thing?

Why do you care?

If nothing is real,

then neither is the chicken.

(clucking)

Oh. Good.

We're standing now. That's progress.

Get her out of here.

Well, I would, but...

(chuckles) apparently,

I can't know what "here" is.

So maybe I could just...

set her on your bed.

Okay! Okay.

I'll get dressed.

Make it snappy.

This still doesn't solve my existential crisis.

Say what? You want to hold her?

(gasps) No.

Less talk.

More pants.

♪ Tiny bubbles... ♪

What's your first class?

Solid-State Physics at 11:30.

We'll make it just in time.

Although, does... And before you say

"Does time even exist?" it does.

So stop wasting mine.

♪ So here's to the golden moon... ♪

What's this philosophy teacher's name?

Professor Ericson. Why?

I might pop in and say hello.

Be careful.

She may make you question your most deeply held values.

I'm a stubborn old crank.

I'll do just fine.

I'm a stubborn young crank, and it didn't help me.

♪ Make me feel happy... ♪

You wanted to see me?

Sit down.

Is this gonna take long? I need to get to class.

From what I hear, you don't care about that.

Now, sit.

What the hell you doin'?

I cut a class. Who cares?

It was more than one, and I care.

You start flunking out, you're gonna get kicked off the team.

Fine.

Now you don't care about football?

Not really.

I don't know what's going on with you,

but you better get your head out of your ass.

Football's a waste of time.

I have a job I could be at.

You made a commitment to the team and you're gonna honor it.

(exhales)

We done?

Just get back to class.

And I better see you at practice.

Well, I don't know if I can find it with my head up my ass.

LINKLETTER: So,

according to de Broglie, lambda equals "h"

divided by "m" times what?

Sheldon.

Is it velocity?

Yes. Now...

Or is it a velociraptor?

I'm sorry?

Perhaps lambda equals "h" divided

by "m" times a velociraptor.

Or a velveteen rabbit.

Ooh, or Velveeta.

That's the cheese my mom puts on broccoli

when she's being fancy.

Is this from your philosophy class

or perhaps that Ren & Stumpy I've heard about?

Philosophy.

Mr. Cooper, do you really believe

that de Broglie's equation contains Velveeta cheese?

I don't know. Maybe he was just trying to be fancy.

Hello.

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm Connie Tucker.

I'm Sheldon Cooper's grandmother.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

He is a remarkable young man.

Yes, he is. He's also a very impressionable young man.

Kind of like a lump of clay with a bow tie.

All I did was teach him about epistemology.

Whatever it is you're teaching him,

it has made him question everything.

That's the goal.

Lady, I had to threaten him with a chicken

so he'd put his pants on.

I don't know what's gotten into that kid.

He's allowed to not want to play football.

Can you for once in your life take my side, Wayne?

Not my fault you're never right.

So you think it's okay he just quits?

He doesn't get that much playing time.

Well, in my family, we don't quit.

Oh, I don't know. You quit my book club pretty quick.

I'm talking about football!

Why is it so important to you that he play?

Are you sure you're a coach?

Team sports provides confidence, leadership, discipline.

So does holding down a job,

which he seems to shine at.

Let's just eat in silence.

Fine.

I still think you should have read The Color Purple.

We were bawling.

Although tasty, a brick of cheese is not a number.

Why are we still talking about this?

Maybe we're not talking at all.

Okay, that's enough for today.

Not your best lecture.

It's fairly normal for first-time

philosophy students to have their worldviews shaken.

Do they snap out of it?

Well, you hope.

Professor Ericson, I insist...

Hello, Connie. What a pleasant surprise.

Hey.

I'm sorry you're about to see me

speak harshly to my colleague.

Have at it. Professor Ericson,

I insist that you speak to this young man

and explain to him that reality is real,

and it's possible to know things as fact.

The class is called "Introduction to Philosophy."

That's what I did.

Well, un-introduce him.

Yes, he's at this school 'cause of his brilliant

scientific mind, and he spent my last class

talking about processed cheese.

Sheldon, is that true?

Nothing's true.

You see what you've done? You broke him.

Hey.

How come you didn't want to get out of bed this morning?

If I can't know what's real, what's the point?

You have the right words.

You're just saying them wrong.

It's not, "What's the point?"

It's, "What's the point?"

I don't understand.

Asking these questions is exciting.

It's what gets me out of bed.

That's interesting.

Richard Feynman did say

the greatest joy in life is the pleasure of

finding things out.

Feynman-- he's the physics guy, right?

(quietly): Yes. And your perfume is beguiling.

It's all making sense to me now.

Thank you.

I am happy to help.

Dr. Linkletter, I'm dropping your class

and switching my major to philosophy.

Uh, what?

It's funny. This morning, I couldn't get out of bed,

and now I stand before a whole new exciting field of study.

Well, maybe instead of making this big switch,

you could study both.

You could be physics-philosophy guy.

You sound like a logical positivist.

That's a branch of philosophy that maintains

the best way to philosophize is through science.

Well, there you go. Do that.

It may be too early to specialize.

I've only been a philosopher for 15 minutes.

Did you notice Dr. Linkletter didn't look too thrilled

about you leaving science?

He never looks thrilled about anything.

I think that's just his face.

That's the face.

(door opens, chimes)

Why the hell weren't you at practice?

Can't talk right now. I'm working.

Well, you're gonna talk about it.

What do you want from me?

I don't want to play football. I want to work.

You have your whole life to hold down a job.

Hey,

I like my job.

It's not my problem you hate yours.

Do whatever you want.

ADULT SHELDON: To figure out

which school of philosophy suited me best,

I decided to sample each one.

The same way I determined my favorite flavor of oatmeal--

plain.

(TV plays quietly)

What are you doing?

I'm practicing the philosophy of cynicism--

the ancient Greek view

that the rules of society should be ignored.

If you're gonna break rules, you can do better than that.

How?

(shouts)

ADULT SHELDON: Renaissance humanism is

finding meaning in the human form through art.

Can I move? No.

But my butt itches.

Scratch it on your own time.

ADULT SHELDON: Nihilists believe

that there's no point to anything,

because it all ends in nothingness.

Mind if I put on MTV?

Doesn't matter. We're all gonna die anyway.

Deep thought, dingus.

ADULT SHELDON: Traditionalism is the philosophy

that the best way of life is a return to the past.

What are you doing?

Making my own butter, like in olden times.

That's stupid.

ADULT SHELDON: My arms are still sore.

Altruism is the belief that we should live

only by bringing happiness to others.

These are for you.

Thanks.

What the hell?!

ADULT SHELDON: Egoism is the belief

that we should live only by bringing happiness to ourselves.

Mmm. These are pretty good.

ADULT SHELDON: Transcendentalists were

philosophers who believed that our deepest connection

is with nature.

Eh.

I'm beautiful.

GEORGE SR.: And then Georgie accuses me

of hating my job.

Is this where I thought I'd end up? No.

Is this where you thought you'd end up?

I thought I'd be working at my father's funeral home

sewing people's eyes shut.

My life turned out great.

Well, good for you.

(laughs)

The worst part is, I think Georgie's right.

You're not happy at work?

I can see if my dad's hiring.

How are your sewing skills?

It's not work.

(sighs)

Honestly, I don't know if I'm happy anywhere.

Ugh. When I asked y'all to hang for a drink,

I didn't know you were gonna be such a bummer.

(laughs)

Geez Louise.

♪ Amarillo is where I'll be. ♪

(knocking)

Dr. Linkletter? Sheldon.

Good to see you.

Come on in. I don't suppose

you're here to discuss physics, are you?

As a matter of fact, I am.

Excellent.

I'm here to drop your class.

I just need you to sign this.

(exhales) Have a seat.

Sheldon,

I don't know if you thought this through,

but you're here on a physics scholarship,

and switching to philosophy may not be well-received.

Ordinarily, I'd be concerned,

but I'm currently embracing hedonism.

Sheldon,

I've been made responsible for you,

and so far, it's not going very well.

You were admitted to this university

for your scientific acumen.

And changing majors could have serious repercussions.

Son,

please try to understand.

If you abandon physics for philosophy,

(fading): you're gonna be missing out on the opportunity

to be part of something great. Possibly...

♪ Tiny bubbles... ♪

ADULT SHELDON: As Dr. Linkletter prattled on,

I couldn't help but notice

the beauty of that ephemeral bubble.

I wondered if perhaps we're all just bubbles,

being buffeted through life on a stream of currents

beyond our understanding. ♪ Tiny bubbles... ♪

Look at it. The local minimization achieves

a global maximization, and it's nearly perfect.

I wondered if this was the key

to the smoothness of matter in the universe.

The cosmic web of stars and galaxies could hold it together

like the web of polymers in soap!

This could be a whole new area of research.

Changing majors

would be a huge mistake, but if this is what

you really want, here you go.

Sheldon? What?

Here you go. Good luck with philosophy.

Oh, I'm back on science now. I have work to do.

♪ Got a feeling that I'm gonna love you till the end of time. ♪