Original subtitles

WANDA: Previously on WandaVision...

WANDA: We are an unusual couple, ya know?

My wife and her flying saucers.

My husband and his indestructible head.

Hello, dear. I'm Agnes, your neighbor to the right.

NORM: You're like a walking computer.

What? I most certainly am not.

VISION: Dinner with Mr. Hart and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart.

MRS. HART: What brought you here?

-How long have you been married? -ARTHUR: Why did you come here?

Damn it, why?

-MRS. HART: Stop it. Stop it.

Vision, help him.

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-What was that? -

Wanda?

Yes, dear?

Are you using your powers to turn on the light?

-Yes, dear.

Allow me, sweetheart.

WANDA: What do you see?

Only your lovely rose bushes.

That's all?

Are you using your night vision, Vision?

I assure you, my love, I see nothing amiss.

You have absolutely no reason to be frightened...

You were saying?

Actually, I did overhear a couple of lads at work

remarking on a few unsavory characters settling in the neighborhood.

Now, who knows what those ne'er-do-wells might be up to?

Robbing houses, vandalizing property.

Walking through walls, moving objects without touching them.

Wanda, darling, you can't be suggesting my colleagues were referring to us.

One of us should really determine the source of that sound.

Yes, one of us should.

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Oh, this is getting ridiculous.

I'm going to take a look.

-Oh, God! Darling! -

Well, I think we handled that well.

Yes, I must say I'm rather proud of myself.

And look how you seized on the opportunity to redecorate.

-This is better, isn't it? -Mmm.

Wanda, darling?

Yes, dear?

Get the light.

WandaVision!

WandaVision!

WandaVision Wa-WandaVision

WandaVision Wa-WandaVision

WandaVision Wa-WandaVision

WandaVision!

Ladies and gentlemen, for my final trick,

I bring you the Cabinet of Mysteries.

-Darling, that's your cue. -WANDA: You said, "Cabinet of Mysteries?"

I said, "The Cabinet of Mysteries."

WANDA: Oh, that's my cue. Ooh!

Holy Toledo!

Darling, do all the other acts in the talent show

have such elaborate props?

Are you kidding?

Fred and Linda are building a moat

and a fully-functioning portcullis and no one even knows why.

Let's keep going.

Yes, yes. Where was I? Um...

Watch closely as I, Illusion, Master of Enigma,

make my captivating assistant, Glamour, disappear.

You really are very dashing.

Mmm, thank you, darling.

Fear not, Glamour.

For I, Illusion, vow to bring you back exactly as you are.

Abracadabra!

Ta-ta...

Yes, um, Wanda, you're not at all worried

that the audience might just see through this little charade?

Well, that's the whole point.

In a real magic act, everything is fake.

Darling, the talent show fundraiser is the most important event of the season

and it's our neighborly duty to participate.

Plus, it's our chance to appear as normal as possible while doing so.

Well, I don't think that should be a problem.

This is our home now.

I want us to fit in.

Oh, darling, we do. We shall.

And we're gonna knock their socks off,

especially with you wearing this.

Oh, that's actually the rest of your costume.

Oh!

Well, I better get going

If I'm gonna make the planning committee meeting.

That's me off as well, actually.

There's a gathering of the neighborhood watch

at the public library.

And after last night's excitement,

I want to make sure this town's security is up to snuff.

That's a swell idea.

You tell those tree branches who's boss.

Would you look at us?

Wanda and Vision, Westview fitter-inners.

I'll see you at curtain call.

Look, it's the star o' the show.

Agnes.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Oh, I brought my pet rabbit. For your magic act.

Yes, of course! Thank you, Agnes.

We will take good care of him.

Señor Scratchy just loves the stage.

He played baby Jesus in last year's Christmas pageant.

Oh.

Oh, morning, Dennis.

Morning, Agnes.

Stick 'em up.

Don't shoot. I'm just a messenger.

Pew-pew!

Mmm.

-Shall we? -Oh, we shall.

So, are you ready to meet Queen Cul de Sac and her Merry Homemakers?

Agnes, Dottie can't be as bad as you say.

Hmm, well, you'll notice her roses bloom under penalty of death.

Wanda, can I give you a bit of friendly advice?

Is it about the way how I'm dressed?

Yes, but it's too late for that.

Dottie is the key to everything in this town.

Country club memberships, parties, school admissions...

Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

You get in with Dottie and it'll be smooth sailing from here on out.

Just mind your P's and Q's and you're gonna do just fine.

Or maybe I could just be myself? More or less?

Oh, Wanda, that's good.

Everybody, hurry up please.

Hiya, Dottie! Your roses are divine.

Well, thank you.

The Rotary Club is finishing the stage set-up as we speak.

They've given the gazebo a fresh coat of paint

and will be installing the final decorations all through the town square.

And if you recognize the antique footlights,

it's because they're from my store.

And the chairs?

I'm sorry, Dottie. I didn't ask about the chairs.

So you better not ask me if you can chair any committees in the future.

The devil's in the details, Bev.

That's not the only place he is.

DOTTIE: As you all know, the talent show

is the sole fundraiser for Westview Elementary.

This might help.

DOTTIE: In the eight years since I founded our little club,

this event has gotten bigger and better every season.

Say, those pants are peachy keen.

Do you really think so?

The other ladies are in skirts. I was worried.

We only have a few hours until show time,

so a little less cross chatter and a little more focus.

Okay.

DOTTIE: Those little boys and girls are counting on us.

All of this is for the children.

WOMEN: "For the children."

"For the children."

So, I want you all to give yourselves a big hand...

...at the appropriate time, of course.

But first let's review event etiquette.

Dress code is upscale garden party...

The only reason I didn't clap is because I'm afraid to move.

Yeah.

I actually don't know what I'm doing here.

I'm starting to feel that way myself. I'm Wanda.

-I'm, uh... Geraldine. -Hi.

And I'm irritated.

Tickets for tonight are completely sold out.

Now, you can clap.

And stop.

Really, how is anybody doing this sober?

-Let's say green. -NORM: Yeah.

I mean, the other side could be dirt.

Pardon me. Is this the neighborhood watch meeting?

NORM: Oh, hiya, Vision.

Didn't expect to see you here.

This is sort of a "members only" type deal.

Ah! Certainly. Right. Well...

I'll just stay here and be as quiet as a church mouse

till you open up the floor for new business.

Well, in truth, we were just getting to new business.

Oh, splendid! Could you tell me how often you rotate security patrols?

Do you interface directly with local law enforcement?

What are your protocols for threats such as burglary,

graffiti, and reckless driving?

-No, Vision. -I know these are indeed grave matters.

"New business" actually means another round of Danish.

Raspberry or cheese-filled?

Oh, neither for me, thank you. I don't eat food.

What I mean to say is that I don't eat food in between meals but at mealtimes.

I'm a regular eating machine.

Hey, fellas. Vision here has got a point.

Now, listen up. I got some top secret intelligence for you.

Oh, excellent.

Now, you know how Johnson's been braggin'

about that treehouse he built for his kids?

Yeah.

It's a prefab job.

That blockhead can't even swing a hammer.

I can do you one better.

You know those bowling trophies Arthur's always polishing?

He bought 'em all at a yard sale in Hackensack.

I knew it. I've never once seen him down at the lanes.

I too have some top secret gossip to share.

Norm here's a Communist.

Vision, you're a real cut-up.

You know, I always thought you were kind of a square.

-Me? No, I'm as round as they come.

Hey, care for a stick o' Big Red?

Well, hold on there a second.

Didn't you hear the man? He doesn't eat food.

Is gum food?

Well, my understanding is that it's purely for mastication.

No, I don't do that.

Well, when in Westview... Cheers.

Who knew you were such a funny guy?

And to think you came here all hot and bothered about protocols and nonsense.

We actually thought you were serious.

He's funny. All right, so, back to this barbeque.

That is why you never do a seating chart on an empty stomach.

Golly, you're a whiz at all this committee stuff, Dottie.

Thank you for choosing me to help you clean up today. I feel so lucky.

You are.

I can't help but wonder if you and I

haven't gotten off on the wrong foot, Dottie.

And I would like to correct that if I can.

And how would you do that?

I've heard things about you.

You and your husband.

Well, I don't know what you've been told,

but I assure you I don't mean anyone any harm.

I don't believe you.

Wanda. Wanda, can you read me, over?

-Wanda? -Who is that?

Wanda?

Who are you?

Wanda?

Wanda.

Who is doing this to you, Wanda?

Wanda? Wanda? Wan...

WANDA: Dottie!

You... Oh!

Pop quiz, Wanda.

How does a housewife get a bloodstain out of white linen?

By doing it herself.

MAN: They say a man is never fully-dressed without two important accessories.

His special lady...

and his Strücker.

Strücker. He'll make time for you.

Glad I don't have to follow this guy.

Huh? What?

Oh, but you're gonna be great.

What time is it now?

Mmm, two minutes after the last time you asked.

I don't know where he could be.

-Oh, is that him?

Well, it looks like he's got a little hitch in his giddy-up.

Whoa!

Wanda, my little cabbage, you look smashing!

-Whoa!

-WANDA: Vis. -Hmm.

-Where have you been? -Oh.

Uh, well, me and the boys were playing

a rather thrilling game of horses with shoes.

No, that's not it.

Shoe horses! No.

Ah! Horse's shoes.

Listen, something strange happened with Dottie.

Well, something strange happened before that, too. It's hard to explain.

I was just playing with his shoes.

What is going on?

You are!

Huh?

I want to thank you all for coming out

to support Westview Elementary, "For the children."

ALL: "For the children."

And for our final act...

I give you, Wanda and Vision.

Hey! Hey! You're up, Cowboy!

What?

Oh! Yeah! I've to go!

Hello, Westview! Good afternoon.

It's so lovely to be...

I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

I am Glamour and this is my delightful assistant, Illusion.

I am Glamour and he's Illusion.

Yeah, what she said.

Today, we will lie to you and yet you will believe our little deceptions

because human beings are easily fooled

due to their limited understanding of the inner workings of the universe.

Flourish!

You just do it, you don't say it out loud, honey.

And now my wife and I will delight

in your dumbstruck little faces.

Flourish!

Ha! See there? He's using a rope.

Wanda, what's... Oh, no! Oh! No! Wanda, please!

-Darling, let me down! -Oh!

-I'm feeling pukey!

VISION: Ooh!

Uh, what's next?

Oh! Yeah, this is... This is gonna be great!

A staggering feat of strength.

-Ah? -Illusion... Uh... Uh...

-Illusion, Master of Enigma, allow me. -Yeah?

-What?

-Oh!

Whoops! You weren't supposed to see how we did that trick.

That was my grandmother's piano.

Oh, Sherbert! Yeah, this is my old mate, Sherbert.

Stand up, Sherbert. Say hello to the crowd.

It's Herbert, Herb.

Pipe down, Sherbie, and pick a card. Any card.

Yeah, put it back in the deck.

I'm not looking. All right. Watch this.

Is this your card?

Uh, no.

I beg to differ.

Mmm-mmm.

Really? Is this your card?

-Vision... -Mmm-mmm.

Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card?

-Is this your card? -Mmm-mmm.

Argh! Is this your card? Is this your card?

-No. No. No. No. -Is this your card?

Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card? Is this your card?

Is this your card?

Oh, it is!

It is what?

It's my card.

Well, pardon me, Herb. Have it back.

Oh, no, you did the trick right.

Well, of course I did the trick right! I'm Illusion!

Flourish!

And now, for my next trick...

Oh, goodness me.

Who stole my hat?

Oh! Oh, stop that rabbit!

I gotta need to pull a hat out of it.

Señor Scratchy's got real star quality, don't you think?

Maybe we leave the poor bunny out this one, shall we?

Well then, I will just have to pull this hat...

...out of myself.

Vision, no.

I'm doin' it.

Ah-ha!

-If only you all knew our secret.

-Oh!

Is that how mirrors work?

Shut up, Bev.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our grand finale.

I bring you, The Magnet of Crysteries!

The Cabinet of Mysteries!

VISION: Yeah, yeah. What she said.

I will now make my wife...

...disappear.

Are you sure you don't want an audience volunteer named "My husband Ralph?"

No. Abracadabra!

-Uh, sweetheart? -Yeah?

-Hi. -Oh.

What's in the box?

What's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box?

Yeah, what's in the box?

What's in the box? What's in the box?

What's in the box? What's in the box?

Oh!

Oh, yes!

Flourish.

Let's get outta here.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-I'm so stupid. -Vis? Vis, it's all right.

It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.

But what is going on with you?

I have no idea. I've been feeling weirdy all day.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

-Oh!

Would you look at that?

That really gummed up my works, didn't it?

-WANDA: Hmm.

I'm not as funny without it, am I?

Well, you're back to yourself and that's all I care about.

Now, let's get out of here before Dottie

and the planning committee string us up for ruining the show.

You two, stop right there.

Nothing like what you two just did up here

has ever happened in the history of our talent show.

Dottie, we are so...

Hilarious.

That was the most hilarious act we've ever seen.

Wouldn't you all agree?

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

You two, come on up. Come on.

On behalf of the planning committee,

I would like to award you

with the inaugural Comedy Performance of the Year.

Oh, thank you.

-I have to ask. -VISION: Hmm.

One second, I'm backstage and in the next, I'm in a dark cubby hole.

How'd you do it?

Oh, a magician never reveals his secrets.

He leaves that to his assistant.

And she's not talking.

-I had a feeling you'd say that.

"For the children!"

AUDIENCE: "For the children!"

You were tremendous, Glamour.

As were you, Illusion.

I don't know what I was so worried about.

It wasn't so hard to fit in after all.

And all we had to do was be ourselves.

Well, with a few modifications.

-And it was all for the children. -For the children.

Well, I think the children might need some popcorn.

Wanda.

Hmm, what?

Vision... Is this really happening?

Yes, my love.

It's really happening.

If it's that damn tree again, I am going to rip it out by the roots!

I don't see anything.

What is that?

Wanda.

No.

Vision... Is this really happening?

Yes, my love.

It's really happening.

Vision...

- Wanda? - Who's doing this to you, Wanda?

Wanda?