Original subtitles

[SIGHS]

All right, you're on a desert island.

You can bring five books. Which five do you take?

I gotta read five books?

All right, one.

Come on.

Ah, I got it. Three Musketeers.

You've read that?

No, I'm saving it for the island.

All right, let's start this whole thing over. Ahem.

Best Chamberlain: Wilt, Richard, or Neville?

To the desert island?

Okay.

Richard.

You know, he was in The Three Musketeers.

You know, he was in The Three Musketeers.

Exactly. Save me having to read the book.

What's going on over there? [SIGHS]

I don't know. I gotta see somebody.

[♪]

[♪]

So, uh, Marcy, you should have seen me in the hot tub today.

[CHUCKLES] Why?

I was naked.

Oh, George. [LAUGHS]

I saw it. How'd he look?

Okay. I wouldn't see it again.

You know, a friend of mine thought

she got Legionnaires' disease in a hot tub.

Really, what happened?

Uh, yada, yada, yada. Just some bad egg salad.

I'll be right back.

Nice girl.

Lovely.

I notice she's big on the phrase, "Yada, yada."

I notice she's big on the phrase, "Yada, yada."

Is "yada yada" bad?

No, "yada yada"'s good.

She's very succinct.

She is succinct.

Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today.

Yeah.

Hey. Hey, Tim.

George, you know Tim Whatley.

Yeah, dentist to the stars.

Ah! What's up?

I'll tell you what's up.

I'm a Jew.

Excuse me?

I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago.

Oh, well,

welcome aboard.

Thanks. So I'll see you tomorrow?

Yeah, I have a cavity, lower left.

Yeah, I have a cavity, lower left.

Were you just at the health club?

Oh, yeah. We must have just missed you.

Ah, well, I didn't do much. I just sat in the sauna.

You know, it was more like a Jewish workout.

[LAUGHS]

I'll see you.

[♪]

JERRY: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days.

He's already making Jewish jokes.

So what? When someone turns 21,

they usually get drunk the first night.

Booze is not a religion.

Tell that to my father.

Anyway, guess what. Beth Lookner called me.

Anyway, guess what. Beth Lookner called me.

Ooh, Beth Lookner.

I'm still waiting out that marriage.

What are you talking about?

That marriage ended six months ago.

She's already remarried.

Where was I?

It was when you were engaged.

Oh, I gotta get on that Internet.

I'm late on everything.

Anyway, so Beth and her new husband, Arnie,

have listed me as a reference for an adoption agency.

They're trying to get a baby.

Oh, God, a baby.

That can add two years to a marriage.

That can add two years to a marriage.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey. Oh! Elaine, all right.

Who looks better in this shirt, me or Mickey?

We're double-dating tonight.

If we wear the same shirt, we'll look like idiots.

Hm. Turn around.

Well, you're both so...

striking.

Yeah, tell me about it.

We just picked up two women at The Gap.

How did you decide which one of you would date which girl?

How did you decide which one of you would date which girl?

[♪]

MARCY: So I'm on Third Avenue,

minding my own business and, yada, yada, yada,

I get a free massage and a facial.

Wow.

What a succinct story.

[CHUCKLES]

So I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.

Oh, it's, uh-- It's not mine. It's my mother's.

Oh.

Are you close with your parents?

Well, they gave birth to me and...

Well, they gave birth to me and...

yada, yada.

Yada what?

Yada, yada, yada.

[♪]

[CLEARS THROAT]

It's a nice place.

Really nice.

I like your shirt.

Oh, thank you.

It's a hundred percent cotton.

And some wool.

Mm.

Well, you, uh--

You two seem to have the same taste.

You two seem to have the same taste.

Well, I like it too.

Oh, well, I have the same shirt.

Yeah, well, I'm wearing it.

Well, I like your shirt too. Oh.

Well, so do I.

Oh.

Did I mention I'm a serious actor?

Really?

I enjoy polo.

[IN UNISON] Oh.

I like the beach.

My aunt has been, uh, ill of late.

My aunt has been, uh, ill of late.

I own a tuxedo.

Anything to drink? Uh, some wine perhaps?

I like merlot.

I love merlot.

I'm crazy about merlot.

I live for merlot.

We're out of merlot.

[DISHES CLATTER]

[♪]

We'll clear out so you can do your interview.

Okay. Make us sound good.

Oh, come on. [LAUGHTER]

Bye. Bye, Beth. Bye, Arnie.

Bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Nice people.

So do you, uh, know Beth and Arnie pretty well?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Do you socialize with them often?

Yeah, yeah, we go out to dinner a lot,

usually Chinese.

Well, sometimes Thai.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

And we go to the movies.

Arnie's a real film buff.

Uh-huh.

Uh, actually, I remember this one time, um...

Heh. This is funny.

[CHUCKLES] Um,

we-- We went to see the movie Striptease.

I don't know if you've saw-- Seen it.

I don't know if you've saw-- Seen it.

It doesn't matter. Anyway.

Um-- And it was during the opening credits, you know,

it was before the movie had even started.

And I was whispering something to Beth

and Arnie leans over to me and he goes,

"Would you shut up?!"

[SCOFFS]

I mean, he barely even knew me. Where did he get off--?

But they're great people.

[♪]

Oh, you're in here.

What are you doing here?

I knew you had an appointment.

Well, this is very awkward.

I'll leave when the guy comes in.

Hey, I gotta tell ya.

I am loving this yada yada thing.

You know, I can gloss over my whole life story.

Look at that.

Hey. Hey, don't play with that.

That's going in my mouth.

What is this thing?

What is this thing?

Woo! Oh. All right. That's enough.

Just get going. Get outta here.

All right. Hey, Tim.

Hey. Ooh, quick question.

Is it normal for your teeth to make noises

like a hissing or a chirping?

George.

Uh...

Fine, I'll make an appointment.

[SCOFFS]

All right. It is...

[SNAPS FINGERS] cavity time.

Ahhh.

Ahh. Here we go.

Which reminds me, did you hear the one

about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter, huh?

about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter, huh?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

"Those aren't matzo balls."

[CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] What?

Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?

Why not? I'm Jewish. Remember?

I know, but--

Jerry, it's our sense of humor

that sustained us as a people for 3000 years.

Five thousand.

Five thousand, even better.

Ahhh. Ahhh.

Okay.

Chrissy,

Chrissy,

give me a shtickl of fluoride.

[♪]

And then he asked the assistant for a shtickl of fluoride.

Why are you so concerned about this?

I'll tell ya why.

Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism

just for the jokes.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

WOMAN: Would you be interested in a subscription

to the New York Times?

Yes.

Well, I don't believe that.

If you had gotten in the back seat of the car,

we could've figured this thing out.

Well, why were you holding the door open for?

Not for you.

Who holds a door open for a man?

Well, I thought it was a nice gesture,

but I guess I was wrong!

Let's just put their names in a hat.

I don't even know their names!

Look, why don't you take the one that was on the left?

I'm not sure she's my type.

Oh, everybody's your type.

Oh, everybody's your type.

What the hell does that mean?

You've been married three times.

That's it. It's go time.

All right. Take it easy.

Easy, easy. Hey, hey, hey!

No, come on, let him go. You wanna throw? Let's throw!

Hey, hey!

Hold on a second.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

All right, look. I got an idea.

Why don't you just show up early for your next date,

sit across from each other,

and see who the girls sit next to.

That's not bad. All right.

That's not bad. All right.

So we let the girls decide.

Yeah, why should we knock ourselves out?

Yeah, I wanna wear that shirt next time.

No one wears the shirt next time.

'Cause they already saw it. We'll look like idiots.

[♪]

GEORGE: Well, we, uh...

We were engaged to be married, um...

We bought the wedding invitations and, uh,

yada, yada, yada.

I'm still single.

[LAUGHS]

So, what's she doing now?

Yada.

I get it.

I get it.

Well, I-- I love talking to you.

[CHUCKLING] Me too. [LAUGHS]

So speaking of exes, Mm.

my old boyfriend came over late last night

and yada, yada, yada.

Anyway, I'm really tired today.

[♪]

Beth, Arnie.

Hi. What's up?

Well, our adoption application was denied.

Well, our adoption application was denied.

Really?

The adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper.

Oh.

So we're just asking our friends

what they may have said to the adoption agent.

Well, I...

Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are

and, uh...

how Arnie's a big movie buff

and yada, yada, yada.

That is it.

[♪]

How you doing?

I have some discomfort in my molar.

You like Tootsie Rolls, don't you?

Father Curtis, why don't you come in?

Father Curtis, good guy. Oh, which reminds me.

Did ya hear the one about the pope and Raquel Welch

on the lifeboat? Hm?

Huh? I'll tell ya later.

[CHUCKLES]

Whatley.

[♪]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

What are they doing here?

What are they doing here?

I told you we should've got here a half-hour early.

All right. Okay, now, what are we gonna do?

All right, all right. Don't panic.

Let's just decide now. Which one do you want?

All right, I'll take Julie.

I knew you wanted her. That's who I wanted.

All right. I'll take Karen.

No. You think I'm falling for that?

I'll take Karen.

Fine. I'll take Julie.

All right. Which one is Julie?

I don't know.

Why don't we just grab a chair?

Why don't we just grab a chair?

You first. No, you first.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

How you doing? Good evening.

KRAMER: Stop.

Well, you ladies look lovely tonight.

[♪]

So Whatley says to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes.

I used to be Catholic."

Now, see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke.

I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke.

What was it?

"No, I said, 'Hand me the buoys.'"

[LAUGHING]

"Buoys."

[LAUGHS]

Don't ya see what Whatley is after?

Total joke-telling immunity.

Total joke-telling immunity.

He's already got the big two religions covered.

If he ever gets Polish citizenship,

there'll be no stopping him.

So, what are you gonna do?

I think this Father Curtis might be very interested to hear

what Whatley has the pope doing with Raquel Welch.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Beth, Arnie, it's Elaine. Um...

Thought you guys might wanna have lunch. Give me a call. Bye.

They're not getting a baby, so you're taking them to lunch.

I thought it would be nice.

Poor Beth.

Hey, Arnie's just as upset.

Hey, Arnie's just as upset.

Oh, screw him.

Listen to this.

Marcy comes over and she tells me

that her ex-boyfriend was over late last night

and yada, yada, yada, "I'm really tired today."

What do you think she was tired from?

Well, obviously the yada yada.

You don't think she'd yada yada sex?

I've yada yada-ed sex.

Really?

Yeah. I met this lawyer.

We went out to dinner. I had the lobster bisque.

We went back to my place. Yada, yada, yada,

We went back to my place. Yada, yada, yada,

I never heard from him again.

But you yada yada-ed over the best part.

No, I mentioned the bisque.

Well, I gotta do something.

Well, I gotta do something.

George is already in there.

[MOUTHING DIALOGUE]

No, Mickey and I. We can't work it out.

You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself.

You know, I'm thinking of asking that Karen out by myself.

She's the one.

You were leaning towards Julie.

Well, I was. But the one I thought was Julie

turned out to be Karen.

[TRILLS] Ba-ba-ba!

[♪]

GEORGE: Well, it was a hell of a yada yada.

He's moving to Seattle. He wanted to say goodbye.

I was just getting out of the shower

and yada, yada, yada--

All right. Enough. Enough.

From now on, no more yada yadas.

Just-- Just give me the full story.

Okay. Well,

when I got out of the shower, I was dripping wet--

Not that story. Another story.

Not that story. Another story.

Tell me, uh, about the free facial.

Okay, well, like I said,

I was on Third Avenue

and I stopped by a large department store.

Which one? Bloomingdale's.

Very good. Go on.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And-- Oh, I stole a Piaget watch.

What's that?

And then I was on such a...

[INHALES SHARPLY]

...high that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor

and got a massage and a facial

and got a massage and a facial

and skipped out on the bill.

[LAUGHS]

Shoplifting.

Well, what about you?

You-- You told me that you were engaged.

What was the rest of that?

[♪]

[ORGAN PLAYING]

Um, excuse me, Mother?

Sister.

Sister. Right.

Sister. Right.

Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours?

Well, not until tomorrow.

Oh. I really need to speak with him.

You know that's a kneeler.

Oh.

Tell me your sins, my son.

Uh, well, I-I should mention that I'm Jewish.

Oh, that's no sin.

Oh, good.

Anyway, I-- I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley.

I-- I have a suspicion

that he's converted to Judaism purely for the jokes.

And this offends you as a Jewish person?

No, it offends me as a comedian.

And it'll interest you to know

that he's also telling Catholic jokes.

Well, um--

And, I mean-- And they're old jokes.

I mean, the pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat.

I haven't heard that one. Oh.

Oh, I'm sure ya have.

Oh, I'm sure ya have.

They're out on the ocean and yada, yada, yada and she--

And she says, "Those aren't buoys."

[LAUGHING]

Father. One second.

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Well, if it would make you feel better,

I could speak to Dr. Whatley.

Uh, I-- I have to go back and have a wisdom tooth removed.

Good luck.

You know the difference between a dentist

and a sadist, don't ya?

and a sadist, don't ya?

Um--

Newer magazines.

[CHUCKLES]

That's funny.

Now, if you would excuse me.

Jerry, I gotta talk to you.

[♪]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hi. Hey, Kramer.

Uh, got a minute?

Uh, got a minute?

Uh, actually, my parents are over but--

Would you like to meet them?

Yeah. Uh, Mom, Dad.

Oh. Hi.

[MUMBLING]

[♪]

Elaine, I have to ask you about something. What?

The yada yada. The yada yada?

What exactly happened down there?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I talked to him

I mean, I talked to him

and blah, blah, blah.

He asked about you guys and da, da-da, da-da.

More questions. Blah, blah, blah.

All right. Shut up.

Shut up?

Again you are telling me to shut up? What?

You yelled at me that time at the movies.

That's why you're not gettin' the baby.

And you told that to the adoption guy?

[TSKS]

Slipped out.

Oh, God.

What am I gonna tell Beth?

What am I gonna tell Beth?

Well, Arnie, look,

I'll go down and talk to this adoption guy,

and I'll make sure that it all gets straightened out.

All right, just don't screw it up this time!

See, again you're yelling.

Not a fan of the yelling.

[♪]

[GROANS]

Are-- Are you about done?

Oh, I'm just getting warmed up.

Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.

Because I'm just a sadist with newer magazines.

Huh?

Father Curtis told me your little joke.

I really didn't appreciate it.

Well, what about all your Jewish jokes?

I'm Jewish. You're not a dentist.

You have no idea what my people have been through.

The Jews?

No, the dentists.

You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession.

Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?

Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?

[♪]

So I'll, uh...

I'll see you tonight, huh?

Okay. [DOOR CLOSES]

Date with Karen? No, Julie.

She's the one. What happened to Karen?

Well, Mickey and her have a lot more in common.

Her parents are little people.

Oh, small world.

So little people can have "non-little-people" children?

Oh, yeah, and vice versa.

Yeah, Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.

Yeah, Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry.

So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today.

It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke,

and he got all offended.

Yeah. Those people...

can be so touchy.

"Those people."

Listen to yourself.

What?

You think that dentists are so different from me and you?

They came to this country just like everybody else

in search of a dream.

Whatley's from Jersey.

Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.

Kramer, he's just a dentist.

Kramer, he's just a dentist.

Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.

I am not an anti-dentite.

You're a rabid anti-dentite.

Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs:

"Hey, denty."

Next thing you know,

you're saying they should have their own schools.

They do have their own schools.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[♪]

ELAINE: Oh, come on.

One little baby, whatever you have in stock.

One little baby, whatever you have in stock.

Miss Benes, please.

Lookit, lookit, Brian.

These people are getting a baby,

period.

Now, we can do this the easy way, or...

we can do this...

the fun way.

[♪]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Jerry, I'm sorry to bother you,

but you always said that you'd be there for me.

What's wrong?

I'm thinking of leaving Arnie.

Talk to me.

He met with Elaine,

and I asked him what happened.

And he yada yada-ed me.

But could-- Could they be having an affair?

Well, I wouldn't put anything past anybody.

But we just got married.

Well, obviously that was a mistake.

You need to forget about Arnie.

The important thing is you're moving on.

Why would Elaine do that to me?

Why would Elaine do that to me?

Forget about Elaine.

Let's just focus on us.

Come on, big hug.

Hey, Jerry.

Where's Kramer? I've got exciting news.

I'm in the middle of something.

Karen and I are getting married.

Oh, congratulations. Her marriage just fell apart.

How many is that for you?

Two.

Heh-heh, you're a lightweight.

Come on, honey.

[♪]

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

This church give you any ideas?

This church give you any ideas?

Hey, Jerry. Hey.

[CHUCKLES]

What are you doing here with Beth?

[WHISPERS] Beth and Arnie broke up.

So they don't want a baby?

[SCOFFS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Hey, where's Marcy?

She, uh, went shopping for some shoes for the wedding

and, uh, yada, yada, yada,

I'll see her in six to eight months.

Hey, Kramer, over here.

I'd just as soon not sit next to you.

Kramer.

Oh, look, there's Mickey and his parents.

Oh, look, there's Mickey and his parents.

ELAINE: Oh, a nice-looking family.

JERRY: Very handsome.

How you doing?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Hey, Kramer.

You must be so proud.

We never thought he'd settle down.

Well, not again.

Poor Mickey. Excuse me.

I can't take this.

I can't take this.

Hi, Mr. Abbott.

That's Dr. Abbott,

D.D.S.

Tim Whatley was one of my students.

And if this wasn't my son's wedding day,

I'd knock your teeth out, you anti-dentite bastard.

What was that all about?

Oh, I said something about dentists,

and it got blown all out of proportion.

and it got blown all out of proportion.

Hey, what do you call a doctor who fails out of med school?

What? A dentist.

[BOTH LAUGH]

That's a good one.

Yeah.

Dentists.

Yeah, who needs 'em?

Not to mention the blacks and the Jews.

[♪]

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Where's Beth?

She ran out to get her head shaved.

[MUFFLED] We are gathered here today

to unite this couple

in the bonds of holy matrimony.

Those wisdom teeth are tough to get out. Mmm.

Marriage is not an institution to be entered into lightly.

Yada, yada, yada. I pronounce you man and wife.

Yada, yada, yada. I pronounce you man and wife.

[ORGAN PLAYING MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH"]

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

I really wanted you.