Original subtitles

[♪]

A dollar eighty-nine. Why is this $1.89?

Why is there no haggling in this country?

We like to think we've progressed

beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink.

Not me. Everything should be negotiable.

Restaurants too?

Absolutely. Are you telling me

there's no room to move on pasta?

All starches are a scam.

Yeah, especially ziti, with that big hole.

Uh, excuse me. How much is this?

A dollar nineteen.

I'll give you a quarter.

Get the hell out of here.

Get the hell out of here.

Tell him 40 and no fork.

Thirty.

That's it. You leave and never come back.

How about we leave and come back in a week?

Deal.

All right. See?

We got something there.

[♪]

Oh, check it out. Wow,

JERRY: Kenny Rogers Roasters finally opened.

Hey, look at the size of that neon chicken on the roof.

No. Rogers can't sell chicken around here.

We got chicken places on every block.

He is the Gambler.

Well, I gotta meet Newman at the pet store.

Helping him pick out a turtle.

Try and stay calm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey. Jerry?

Seth.

Wow, what has it been, like, five years?

At least. You wanna grab lunch?

At least. You wanna grab lunch?

Uh, I'm actually headed back to the office.

Seth, it's me.

What's more important than catching up

with an old college buddy?

Well, I am supposed to be in this meeting.

Blow it off. Remember poli-sci?

How many of those did we go to?

All right, I guess I can go. All right. All right.

Hey, whatever happened to Moochy?

He's dead. Is that right?

I still don't know how you can call lunch with me

a business expense.

What do you think of the catalog?

Stinks. There, we just talked business.

Stinks. There, we just talked business.

We have the down comforter and the cookware you liked.

Oh, great. Put it all on the Peterman account with the other stuff.

You know what else we have you might like?

I'll take it.

Hey, you like?

I think it looks very nice on you.

Really?

Hm.

Elaine, huh?

Peterman account?

Why not?

And some hair for my little friend here.

So how's your standup career?

So how's your standup career?

Good. As a matter of fact,

I almost had my own show in Japan.

You speak Japanese? No.

So you would have done it in Japan, but in English?

I don't know.

So, what's this job of yours?

Big investment firm. Mm.

We just got the Citibank account.

In fact, today was our first big meeting with them.

The meeting you blew off?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Wasn't that kind of important?

Yeah.

[♪]

ELAINE: And I bought a whole new set of cookware

and a water pick.

You use a water pick?

Sure. Water pick,

floss, Plax, brush, Listerine.

So you go into the bathroom 11, you're in bed by, what, 2?

Oh, at the latest.

Oh, hang on a second. I got another call.

Hello?

Good day, Miss Benes. It's Roger Ipswich.

Oh, hey, how are things doing in Accounting?

Oh, hey, how are things doing in Accounting?

Miss Benes, I notice you've been charging

quite a bit of merchandise on the Peterman account.

Well, I am the president.

Yes, and we're all very impressed.

Nevertheless, the expense account

is for business purposes only.

Well... Well, isn't the president

allowed to do anything that they want?

No.

I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow.

Good day.

Good day.

Good day.

Hello?

Anybody?

[♪]

[SHIVERS]

Hey.

Hey.

Why didn't you get the big one?

This hat just bottles in the heat.

I don't even need a coat.

It's unbelievable.

I don't believe it.

And I got a date with the saleswoman.

And I got a date with the saleswoman.

She got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.

Ah. Too bad you've got a little George Costanza thing going on.

I'm going out with her tomorrow.

She said she had some errands to run.

That's a date?

What's the difference?

You know the way I work.

I'm like a commercial jingle.

First, it's a little irritating. Then you hear it a few times.

You hum it in the shower.

By the third date it's:

♪ By Mennen ♪

How do you make sure you'll get to the third date?

If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind.

If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind.

Keys, gloves, scarf.

I go back to her place to pick it up--

[SMACKS LIPS] --date number two.

That is so old.

Why don't you just show up at her house in a wooden horse?

[♪]

♪ By Mennen ♪

What the--?

[BUZZING]

Wh-what's goin' on in there?

What?

That light.

Oh, the red.

Yeah, it's the chicken roaster sign.

You know, it's right across from my window.

Can't you shut the shades?

They are shut.

Oh, by the way, your friend Seth, he stopped by.

Oh, yeah? What'd he have to say? Yeah, he was fired.

[♪]

ELAINE: Well, as you can see,

the comforter I expensed is actually

the Aristotle goose-down tunic.

[CHUCKLES]

What do you think?

Another bull's-eye. Hm.

Another bull's-eye. Hm.

Well, Mr. Ipswich, since every one of my expenses

was obviously

for a legitimate business purpose...

I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.

The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?

It cost $8000.

What? Oh.

Ooh.

[♪]

Seth, if you knew the meeting was so important,

why did you go to lunch with me?

We're old college buddies.

I only knew you through Moochy.

Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it, all right?

Hey, Jerry, don't worry about it, all right?

The important thing is, is we got a chance to catch up.

Mind if I, uh, grab the want ads?

Um, actually, I haven't read Tank McNamara yet.

[BUZZING]

How's life on the red planet?

I...

It's killin' me.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

All I can see is that giant red sun

in the shape of a chicken.

Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?

Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?

Oh, they gave me the heave-ho.

You know, I don't think that Kenny Rogers

has any idea what's going on down there.

What are you doin'?

Getting some cereal.

That-- That's tomato juice.

That looked like milk to me.

Jerry, my rods and cones are all screwed up.

All right, that's it.

I gotta move in with you, Jerry.

I don't know, Kramer. Uh...

My concern is that...

living together after a while, we...

might start to get on each other's nerves a little.

Listen to me, I got a great idea.

You're a heavy sleeper, right?

Why don't we switch apartments?

Or I could sleep in the park.

You could knock these walls down,

make it an eight-room luxury suite.

Jerry, these are loadbearing walls.

Jerry, these are loadbearing walls.

They're not gonna come down.

Yeah, that's no good.

I may have to drive that place out of business.

Well, how are you gonna do that?

Like we did in the '60s.

Takin' it to the streets.

[BUZZING]

[♪]

HEATHER: Thanks, George,

but I got it from here. Oh, no, I'm in already. Come on.

So, uh, you wanna get together tomorrow?

No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.

No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.

What about this weekend?

I'm gonna be busy for a while.

Okay. Uh, see ya.

Hey.

You forgot your keys.

Th-those aren't my keys.

Well, they're not mine.

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

They are my keys. How weird.

[PHONE RINGING]

Goodbye, George.

Yeah, bye.

George, bye.

Hello?

Hello?

You are not gonna believe the date I just had.

♪ Costanza ♪

[♪]

ELAINE: What do you mean, you don't have the hat?

I left it at Heather's. Are these alive?

No, dead.

George, I need that Russian hat back.

All right, all right. I'll call Heather.

You'll get your hat back. I will get a second date.

[CHUCKLES] Now, watch the magic.

[BEEPING]

Dial nine, Merlin.

Dial nine, Merlin.

[SIGHS] [RINGING]

HEATHER: Hello? Heather, hi, it's, uh--

It's George Costanza.

Oy.

Uh, listen, uh, I don't mean to bother you,

but, uh, silly me, I-- I think I may have left my hat

in your apartment, so I thought

I'd just come by later and pick it up.

You didn't leave a hat here.

I'm pretty sure I left it, uh,

behind the cushion of the chair,

accidentally.

No hat. George, I've gotta go.

Uh, you know what, maybe I'll just come--

Uh, you know what, maybe I'll just come--

[DIAL TONE] Um-- Um, hey, hey.

[♪]

Seth? Jerry, hi.

What do you think?

I think you're takin' the trash out for this chicken place,

but that couldn't be.

Yeah, I'm the new manager.

But you were an executive. This is fast food.

Not fast food. Good food quickly.

Hey, next time lunch will be on me, huh, Jer?

KRAMER: Hey!

Stay away from the chicken!

Stay away from the chicken!

It's bad!

Bad chicken! Mess you up!

That's not going to be good for business.

That's not gonna be good for anybody.

[♪]

[♪]

KRAMER: Jerry, I'm so glad we switched apartments.

It was the perfect solution.

Look, Kramer, if I'm gonna live over there,

you gotta take some of this stuff out.

I mean, this thing is really freaking me out.

I feel like it's gonna come to life

in the middle of the night and kill me.

What, Mr. Marbles? He's harmless.

And one other thing,

I don't want Newman using my--

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Oh, no.

Nice place you got here, Kramer. Yeah.

A man could really get some thinking done.

A man could really get some thinking done.

Well, don't get too comfortable.

As soon as Seth gets a real job,

you two are going back in that chicken supernova.

What's that, Rogers chicken?

Oh, get that out of here.

I don't know. The man makes a pretty strong bird.

Yeah, but I'm boycotting.

What is that, hickory? Yeah.

It's the wood that makes it good.

Really? Uh-huh.

Let me-- [GROWLS]

Oh, stop it. What's the matter with you?

Mm.

[♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Can I help you?

Hi, yeah, I'm Elaine Benes. We met at Barney's.

I'm a friend of George Costanza's.

[SIGHS]

Hi.

Hi.

Um, whether you're aware of it or not,

George had this pathetic little plan

to leave something behind

so he could try and weasel a second date.

Really?

I know. He-- He has a real confidence problem.

Well, not really-- George.

Anyway, I know you told him that you didn't have the hat

because you didn't wanna see him again,

and more sympathetic

I could not be,

but I really do need to have the hat back.

but I really do need to have the hat back.

Look. I don't know what to tell you,

but there's no hat here.

I mean, maybe the maid took it. I had people over, but--

Well, that makes sense.

Well, then you wouldn't mind

if we took a second look around?

Be my guest.

Good to see you again.

[♪]

She's bluffing. [SIGHS]

She's got it stashed away in there somewhere.

This is an absolute disaster.

Oh, I don't know. Check this out.

You stole her clock?

Well done.

Yep.

This is one for our side.

[♪]

[BED CREAKING]

[BUZZING, CREAKING]

What is that creaking?

It's like I'm in the hold of a ship.

I've gotta relax.

[DOOR CREAKS, CLOSES]

Hello?

Is somebody there?

[FEET PATTERING]

M-- Mr. Marbles?

[♪]

ELAINE: So I told Ipswich

ELAINE: So I told Ipswich

I'd have the hat by this afternoon.

What am I gonna do?

You should sleep with him.

[BUZZING]

Hi, buddy.

I'm on no sleep, no sleep.

You don't know what it's like.

All night long, things are creaking and cracking

and that red light is burning my brain.

You look a little stressed.

Oh, I'm stressed.

So, Kramer, what am I supposed to do?

If I don't have that fur hat by 4:00,

they're gonna take me down like Nixon.

You know my friend Bob Sacamano?

I thought he was Kramer's friend.

Well, he called last night about 3 a.m., and we got to talkin'.

He sells Russian hats down at Battery Park,

40 bucks.

Forty bucks? Are they sable?

No, but the difference is negligible.

Oh, yeah, I like this idea.

All right. Let's give it a shot. Let's go.

All right. Let's give it a shot. Let's go.

Giddyup.

It's getting cold. It's getting cold.

That was a close one.

Why do we have to keep this from Jerry?

If Jerry finds out I'm hooked on Rogers chicken,

I'm back in there with the red menace.

[♪]

IPSWICH: Miss Benes, the hat you charged to the company was sable.

This is nutria.

W-- Well, that's a, um--

It's a kind of sable.

No, it's a kind of rat.

No, it's a kind of rat.

That's a rat hat?

And a poorly made one,

even by rat-hat standards.

I have no choice but to recommended

your prompt termination to the board of directors.

Nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself

will save you this time.

But-- But he's in the Burmese jungle.

And quite mad too, from what I hear.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Can I fire you?

No.

[♪]

[♪]

KRAMER: So Heather called?

Yeah, but get this. The message said,

"Call me if you have the time."

[CHUCKLES] If I have the time? You get it?

No, but is this all very exciting.

She knows that I have her clock.

I know that she has my hat.

I think she's getting ready to make an exchange.

Well, there is the possibility

that you've gone right out of your mind.

I've looked at that. It seems unlikely.

I've looked at that. It seems unlikely.

Well, I'd look again.

So how come you didn't call Jerry about all this?

Jerry. I can't talk to Jerry anymore.

Ever since he moved into that apartment, he's too much...

like you.

Mm.

That's a shame.

[♪]

Seth, you're the manager. Can't you turn off that sign?

Jerry, I lied. I'm just an assistant manager.

Number 67,

family feast.

Number 67. Right here. Right here.

Number 67. Right here. Right here.

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

And don't forget your steamed broccoli.

Hold it.

Broccoli?

Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli

if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce.

I love...broccoli.

It's...good for you.

Really?

Then maybe you'd like to have a piece.

Gladly.

[RETCHES]

Vile weed!

It's for Kramer, isn't it? I knew it.

The greasy doorknob. The constant licking of the fingers.

He's hooked on the chicken, isn't he?

Yes! Yes, now, please,

someone, honey mustard.

[COUGHS]

[COUGHS]

[♪]

Newman, what took you-- Hey, buddy.

Newman, what took you-- Hey, buddy.

That was good.

Expecting Newman? That's funny,

because I just happened upon him

down at the Kenny Rogers Roasters.

[SCOFFS] Oh, Kenny Rogers.

Oh, boy, I hate that place.

He was buying quite a load of chicken,

almost enough for two people. Oh.

As long as one of them's not him.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Oh, hey, you know, Elaine, she stopped by.

Yeah, dropped off that Bob Sacamano hat.

Yeah, oh, she's upset with him. Yes, sirree.

Yeah, well, thanks for stoppin' by.

I sure do miss my apartment.

I sure do miss my apartment.

Maybe I'll switch back.

Oh, you don't wanna think about that.

No, sir. Otherwise, I'd have no choice

but to put that banner back up and, uh, yeah,

run that Rogers right out of town.

I don't think you will. As a matter of fact,

I'll save you the trouble. I'll do it myself.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Put the banner up.

Doesn't matter to me. All right.

No, Jerry. I need that chicken!

I gotta have that ch--

Now, you leave those roasters alone!

Kenny never hurt anybody!

You got a little problem.

Oh, I got a big problem, Jerry!

Oh, I got a big problem, Jerry!

[♪]

Here. Kneel here.

What? Kneel.

Kneel? Okay.

[WATER SPLASHING]

Elaine.

Mr. Peterman.

[SPEAKING IN FAKE FOREIGN DIALECT]

You speak Burmese?

No, Elaine, that was gibberish.

Ah.

So did you have any trouble finding the place?

No, you're the only...

white-poet-warlord in the neighborhood.

[CHUCKLES]

Are you an assassin?

I work for your mail-order catalog.

I work for your mail-order catalog.

You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks

to collect a bill.

Well, actually, um,

I do have a bill here.

If you could just sign this expense form,

I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.

I'd be happy to, Elaine.

Ah. Here.

But I will have to see this hat.

Right.

[♪]

[♪]

So how do you want to do this?

All right, George, I'll be honest.

The first time we went out, I found you very irritating.

But after seeing you a couple of times,

you sort of got stuck in my head.

♪ Costanza ♪

[GIGGLES]

So you-- You really don't have my hat?

What?

Uh, let's go do somethin'.

What's in the bag?

Oh, That's-- That's a sandwich.

[ALARM RINGING]

Uh...

Damn salami.

My clock.

[ALARM STOPS]

You stole it?

That damn delicatessen.

That is the last time they screw up one of my orders.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[SIGHS] Hey, Seth.

[SIGHS] Hey, Seth.

Man, it is coming down hard out there.

Oh, gross.

That's not gonna be good for business.

That's not gonna be good for anybody.

[♪]

[SIGN BUZZING]

[SIGN CLICKS, POWERS DOWN]

Kenny?

Kenny?

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Kenny.

Kenny.

Kenny.

JERRY: Home at last.

Ah.

[DOOR CREAKS]

Is someone there?

[FEET PATTERING]

[WHISPERS] Mr. Marbles.

This is the urban sombrero.

I put it on the last catalog cover.

I put it on the last catalog cover.

[WATER DRIPPING]

[WHISPERS] The horror.

The horror.