Original subtitles

[♪]

Boy, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle.

I guess there's not much action down there these days.

Oh, there's action.

There's plenty of action.

It's that damn alien autopsy stealing all the headlines.

Yeah, tell me about it.

See, what they gotta do is lose a plane or a Greenpeace boat.

See, that would get the Triangle going again.

What keeps the water in there?

I mean, why doesn't that disappear?

Now what would be the point of taking the water?

It's gorgeous water.

It's gorgeous water.

Do we own Bermuda?

No, it belongs to the British.

Lucky Krauts.

So, what do you think of that alien autopsy?

Oh, that's real. I think so too.

[♪]

[♪]

The doctor will be with you in a moment.

ELAINE: "Difficult"?

Elaine, you shouldn't be reading that.

Now, tell me about this, uh, rash of yours.

Um, well, it's-- It's...

You know, I noticed that someone wrote in my chart

that I was difficult in January of '92.

that I was difficult in January of '92.

And I have to tell you,

I remember that appointment exactly.

You see, this nurse had asked me to put a gown on,

but it was a mole on my shoulder

and actually I had specifically worn a tank top

so that I wouldn't have to put a gown on.

You know, they're made of paper.

Well, that was a long time ago.

How about if I just, uh, erase it?

[CHUCKLES]

Now, about that rash?

Now, about that rash?

But it was in pen.

You fake erased.

All right, Miss Benes.

This doesn't look too serious.

You should be fine.

What are you writing?

Doctor?

[♪]

Here you go. Thanks.

I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES] Well...

[♪]

Jerry, what's the matter with your stereo?

I don't know. What's the matter with your stereo?

I traded it to Lomez for some steaks.

Hey. Hey.

Now, see, this is busted.

No, it works.

It's busted. Watch out. Let me show you.

All you gotta do is--

You gotta jiggle it with this screwdriver.

Smile. What are you doing?

I met this, uh, woman Sheila.

She works down at the one-hour photo place.

She works down at the one-hour photo place.

She's got this incredible smile.

It's like she's got too many teeth.

Oh, extra teeth. I love that look.

And check this out.

I go to pick up my pictures, and she says,

"I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt."

What mustard stain?

Don't you see?

She's looking at my pictures.

Why'd you take a picture of a mustard stain?

It's got nothing to do with this.

I see, she's looking.

Yes.

You gotta get this thing fixed.

They've tried to fix it. It keeps coming back the same.

You interested in a refund?

You interested in a refund?

Well, I-- I can't get a refund.

The warranty expired two years ago.

Would you be interested?

How you gonna--? No, no. Would you?

I guess I would. Yeah, yeah.

You are not gonna believe

what happened to me at the doctor's office today.

Not the gown again?

No. No.

I was looking at my chart,

and it said that I was difficult.

Why would they write that?

They've gotten to know you.

And then the doctor writes more stuff down there,

and he doesn't even look at my rash.

and he doesn't even look at my rash.

Find a doctor that doesn't know you're difficult.

Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.

Why? Because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?

Listen to me, you little sh-- Smile.

[♪]

MAN: Elaine, you, uh, really didn't have to put on the gown.

Oh, it's my pleasure. I love these.

You know, in fact, I've got one at home.

It's-- It's perfect when you just wanna throw something on.

Hi. Thank you.

Alrighty.

Let me just review your history before we begin.

Let me just review your history before we begin.

Oh, where did you get my chart?

From your last doctor. It's standard procedure.

You know, I can tell you my whole history. Let's just--

Okay. Let's take a look.

Well, that doesn't look too serious. You'll be fine.

Please, please. It--

But it's really, really itchy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, no.

[♪]

[♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Seinfeld? Yeah.

Got a package for you. Sign here.

Oh, who's it from?

No return address.

What if I don't want it?

Are you refusing delivery?

Maybe I am. Why would you do that?

I've never done it before. Why start now?

Why not?

All right.

Why'd you refuse that? Everybody loves a package.

Why'd you refuse that? Everybody loves a package.

I don't know. It was weird.

Crazy printing. I don't know who it's from.

So, what do you think? It's a bomb?

It's not totally impossible.

[CHUCKLES]

The ego on you.

Why can't I be bomb-able?

Who's gonna bomb you?

An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes?

Oh, I suppose you think you're bomb-able?

Couple people wouldn't mind having me out of the way.

There's more than a couple.

Check these out.

I just picked them up from Sheila.

She must have loved these.

She must have loved these.

You don't have a Mercedes.

I know. I just sort of leaned on it

so it would look like it was mine.

Driver seems a little put out.

No, he was fine with it.

Check this out.

Is that Burt Reynolds?

Wax Museum.

Ah.

Oh, wha--?

What is this?

That is a lot of skin.

This must be Sheila from the photo place.

You can barely see her face.

She must have slipped it in here.

Ay-yi-yi.

Photo-store Sheila.

Well, hello, photo-store Sheila.

All right. I will see you boys later.

Where you going? To ask her out.

No, no.

You're not playing the game. What game?

She goes to these lengths to entice you

and your only response is,

"Gee, I really like your picture.

Would you like to go out on a date with me, please?"

No good? George,

it's the timeless art of seduction.

You gotta join in the dance.

You gotta join in the dance.

She sends you an enticing photo,

you send her one right back.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, as you know,

I've always been something of a photog.

Oh, yeah, I like this idea.

[♪]

Hey, Danny.

Hello!

How are you? Hey, Leo.

Hey, what's with your nephew? He wouldn't accept the package.

Oh, he wants it. He's just trying to be funny.

Yeah, I'll sign for it.

[♪]

ELAINE: And then he started writing on my chart.

ELAINE: And then he started writing on my chart.

[SCOFFS] Why don't you just get ahold of it

and change what you don't like.

You can't change your chart. It's your chart.

I'm in my personnel file at work all the time.

You are? Hey,

I've kept the same job for over two years.

It's not luck.

Elaine, have you ever sent a--

A racy photograph of yourself to anyone?

Yeah.

I sent one to everyone I know.

You remember my Christmas card?

Oh, right.

The nipple.

[CLEARS THROAT]

But, um, aside from that,

how did you feel about Kramer's work?

Actually, I thought he was very professional.

So it was a good experience? Oh, yeah.

I liked the picture so much I cropped out the nipple,

and I'm using it for my health-club ID.

Nice.

Yeah, it is nice actually.

ELAINE: Please, I've gotta see Dr. Berg right away.

This rash is spreading.

He can't see you. He's busy.

Oh, come on. Have some compassion.

Well, I hope it's contagious then.

Well, I hope it's contagious then.

Come on. Move.

Oh, hi, Dr. Berg. I--

I didn't know if--

The chart, Miss Benes.

The chart, Miss Benes.

Oh.

Oh, please, no more.

[♪]

Hey. Where's Kramer?

He went to get some steak sauce. Why?

Personal matter.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Jerry, it's your Uncle Leo!

Hello!

Hello, Leo. You don't have to yell.

I got your package.

I got your package.

How did you get my package?

Leo's got your package?

What should I do with it?

I don't know what you should do with it.

Tell him to open it.

I'm not gonna treat my uncle like a bomb-defusing robot.

Jerry, your cousin Jeffrey

is in a Parks Department production of The Mikado.

I want you to come see it with me.

Open the package, Leo.

Okay.

LEO: Opening!

[SOFTLY] He's opening.

[EXPLOSION]

[EXPLOSION]

[♪]

[♪]

ELAINE: So it wasn't a bomb?

No. No bomb.

Well, then, what?

Oh, stupid Leo.

He was using one of those oven cleaners.

He left the canister in there.

The pilot light was on. The whole thing blew up.

But he's okay? Yeah,

but the explosion singed off

his eyebrows, mustache, everything.

He's all smooth now. Looks like a seal.

Ew.

Yes. Hi, yeah, I'm still holding.

Is this my stereo?

Oh, hey, you got it.

Oh, hey, you got it.

Hey, what happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.

That's right.

Now it looks like it was broken during shipping,

and I insured it for $400.

But you were supposed to get me a refund.

You can't get a refund.

Your warranty expired two years ago.

So we're gonna make the post office

pay for my new stereo now?

It's a write-off for them.

How is it a write-off?

They just write it off.

Write it off what?

Jerry, all these big companies,

they write off everything.

they write off everything.

You don't even know what a write-off is.

Do you?

No, I don't.

But they do.

And they're the ones writing it off.

I wish I had the last 20 seconds of my life back.

ELAINE: What?

What? He doesn't have one appointment

this whole month?

Oh, come on. I'm dying here, man.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Still no luck?

Jerry, that was Dr. Zimmerman. I'm at the end of the alphabet.

There's no, uh, Zorn or Zutroff?

They're on vacation. Every doctor in this city

seems to know who I am.

Hey, what about Dr. Resnick?

My Uncle Leo's going to see him tomorrow.

Dr. Resnick. He's not listed.

He's not that good.

Elaine said you were pretty good at this stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Elaine was a fun project. I enjoyed working with her.

You don't have your own camera?

Uh, no.

Oh, boy, look at this.

Yeah. Okay.

This looks good.

Very, very good.

All right. And I like what you're wearing.

I feel fat.

No, no. You're stout.

The camera loves stoutness.

Look, we're not gonna do anything

that makes you feel uncomfortable.

The key word is "tasteful."

Now, I want to you relax and have fun,

'cause you're a fun guy.

All right. Let's do it, huh?

All right. Let's do it, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Okay. Come on. Feel the beat!

[CAMERA CLICKING] Feel the beat.

All right.

Now, you know, you got some real strong pecs,

but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt.

You want me to take it off?

Well, I don't know. It's up to you.

You think it would be better?

It might be. Whatever you want.

All right! Come on!

Yeah. Ha, ha!

That's it. Come on, George.

That's it. Come on. Give it to me.

Come on. Work it! Work it! Oh, yeah.

Come on. Work it! Work it! Oh, yeah.

Hold it! Hold it!

Yeah, be a man.

Be a man!

Lover boy! You are a lover boy.

Oh, yeah. This can't miss.

[♪]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

MAN: Is this Elaine Marie Benes?

Uh, yeah. Who's--? Who's this?

We're with the American Medical Association, the AMA.

We're with the American Medical Association, the AMA.

Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name?

Is it B-E-N-E-S?

Yeah. Uh, wh--?

What is this about?

Goodbye.

Hello?

Hello? What?

Oh, uh--

Get off the line. We're trying to make another call.

Oh, sorry.

[♪]

Elaine. Hello. What are you doing here?

Elaine. Hello. What are you doing here?

Leo, has the doctor been in yet?

No, I'm gonna ask him about my eyebrows.

Okay, listen, Leo.

You're hairless, you're scared.

When the doctor comes in,

you just let me do the talking, okay? Okay.

Leo. I understand you had a little mishap.

It was a fireball.

I never should have left him alone.

And who are you?

I'm his nurse.

Paloma.

You're not my nurse.

He has good days and bad.

He has good days and bad.

Well, what seems to be the problem?

Are my eyebrows gonna grow back?

And he seems to have a bit of a rash.

Really? Yeah.

Well, there's been a bit of that going around lately.

Will you excuse me a minute, Paloma?

I'm just going to, uh, get some ointment.

I don't like this. This is too easy.

Elaine--

Shut up. I think he's onto us.

Uh-uh. LEO: Elaine,

Uh-uh. LEO: Elaine,

what about my eyebrows?

Here. Here. Shhh!

JERRY: I don't like this, Kramer.

Will it be much longer?

I'm sorry. It looks like the claim has been red-flagged.

You're under investigation.

Investigation?

Hello, Jerry.

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

Kramer,

you, uh, might as well run along.

Jerry may be a while.

Suspicion of mail fraud.

Suspicion of mail fraud.

Mail fraud?

You're in a lot of trouble, buddy.

[♪]

Okay, I've got your ointment. Where's your, uh--?

Where's your nurse?

She left.

Whoa, whoa,

no need to get angry.

Calm down.

I am calm.

Leo, I don't care for your demeanor.

Demeanor?

Well, now you're just being difficult.

What are you writing?

[♪]

So I, uh,

So I, uh,

really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday.

I'm glad, George.

And, uh, here's a little roll

that I think you may enjoy.

Great.

Shall we say an hour?

Mm-hm. [CHUCKLES]

[SNORTS]

Hey, Ron, I gotta go to lunch. Could you do a roll?

No problem.

By the way,

you know that model who's always in here?

She's missing one of her lingerie shots.

She's missing one of her lingerie shots.

Have you seen it?

No.

All right. All right.

Then let me ask you this:

don't you find it interesting

that your friend had the foresight

to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? Huh?

I mean, parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.

Define "rarely."

Frequently.

Are we about through here, Newman?

[♪]

It's pretty hot under these lights, huh, Seinfeld?

It's pretty hot under these lights, huh, Seinfeld?

Pretty hot.

Actually, I'm quite comfortable.

Can I have a sip?

No.

Not gonna play ball, huh?

All right, admit it!

That-- That stereo was already busted.

You can't prove anything.

You can't prove anything.

Is this or is this not your signature?

No, as a matter of fact, it isn't.

[CHUCKLES]

"Uncle Leo"?

This case is closed pending further evidence.

Jerry!

[♪]

Okay. Get in there, get the chart,

and get out. You got it?

Yeah, no problem. Listen, let me borrow your scarf.

What? This? Yeah. It's nice. Yeah.

What? This? Yeah. It's nice. Yeah.

Here. Yeah. All right.

So, uh...

One chart coming up. Okay.

It's Bennett, right?

It's Benes, you jackass.

My last name is Benes.

Yeah.

Jerry. Jerry.

Jerry. Jerry. Jerry.

Jerry. Jerry?

[LAUGHING] Jerry.

[LAUGHING] Jerry.

So I like what you've done there.

May I help you? Uh, yes, yes.

I'm, uh, Dr. Van Nostrund from the clinic.

I'm gonna need Elaine Benes' chart.

She's a-- A patient of mine and, uh,

I don't think she's gonna make it.

It's very bad. Very, um, very messy.

I see. And what clinic is that again?

That's correct.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

From the Hoffermandorf Neo Clinic

in Belgium.

Oh, really?

The Netherlands?

[♪]

Where's my chart? Did you get it? No.

What? What happened?

I don't know. Now they got a chart on me.

[♪]

I don't know where they could be.

You can't find them.

[CHUCKLES] That's marvelous.

The dance continues.

Well, if I find them I'll call you.

Great. And maybe we could go out and do something.

Great. And maybe we could go out and do something.

Sure.

Hello.

Hi.

So the little guy finally asked me out.

Really?

Hey, I can't find his photos anywhere.

You know what happened?

Some guy from the post office confiscated 'em.

He left his card.

SHEILA: "Newman"?

[♪]

GEORGE: I don't know

what Newman wanted to see me for.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

I'm so happy to see you both.

There's just some inconsistencies

I'd like to straighten out.

I'm clean, Newman, and you know it.

Clean? Hardly. [CLICKER SNAPS]

This doesn't look like a man

who's happy with his stereo performance, now, does it?

Where did you get that? That's one of mine.

Where did you get that? That's one of mine.

Looks like you're breaking into it like an otter

cracks open a clam.

Well, I don't know about that, but there's an explanation.

Yes. It's called "mail fraud."

Ooh, how I've longed for this moment, Seinfeld.

The day when I would have the proof I needed

to haul you out of your cushy lair

and expose you to the light of justice

as the monster that you are.

A monster so vile--

Newman! [SQUEALS]

There'll, uh...

There'll, uh...

be a small fine.

Okay.

Can we go now?

Not so fast, pretty boy.

There's more to this sordid little affair.

[CLICKER SNAPS]

Oh, my God.

This photo clearly indicates your involvement

in some ill-conceived mail-order pornography ring.

As does this one, [CLICKER SNAPS]

As does this one, [CLICKER SNAPS]

found in the same disturbing packet.

Oh, my God!

We have a few questions

we'd like you to answer.

I have a few questions of my own.

Hi. One of your mailmen--

Oh, my God. George.

Well, Sheila, listen, it's not what you think.

I put my trust in the wrong person.

GEORGE: He said the key word was "tasteful."

GEORGE: He said the key word was "tasteful."

The timeless art of seduction.

[GEORGE SHOUTING]

[♪]

[♪]

KRAMER: Oh, gee.

That wasn't such a long drive.

The dirt road really hurt my back.

Okay, please, everybody just stop complaining.

Smile. We're good patients.

Okay, Miss Benes, you wanna come on back?

Oh, I'd love to.

[PHONE RINGS] Oh, just a sec.

ELAINE: Okay. Hello.

Yes.

Well, as a matter of fact, they're here right now.

Well, as a matter of fact, they're here right now.

I understand.

[♪]

[PIG SQUEALS]