Original subtitles

[♪]

You know, I can now bite my fingernails so evenly

that I don't even need to use a clipper anymore.

But it's a pleasure to use clippers.

Why gnaw away like a mental patient

when we have this elegant device?

What if you're in prison?

They don't give you clippers?

No, it's like a weapon.

You know what's really a weapon? That big toenail.

You let that grow for a month,

take it in the shower, it's like a shiv.

I love prison.

It is fascinating.

Yeah...maybe someday.

[♪]

[♪]

You want me to find a poem about Susan?

May she rest in peace.

Well, we think it would be a nice touch

for the foundation literature.

You have a favorite poet, George?

I like, uh, Flavman.

Pardon?

Flavman.

Well, you should choose the poem since you knew Susan best

at the time of her unfortunate--

at the time of her unfortunate--

Ahem. --accident.

[♪]

JERRY: He cleared his throat?

Yes. So?

He did it right as he said, "Her unfortunate accident."

Not getting it. Jerry, a throat clear

is a non-verbal implication of doubt.

He thinks I killed Susan.

Oh, help me, Rhonda.

What time is it?

One-fifteen.

Right now?

I gotta go meet Pam.

I gotta go meet Pam.

Oh, the bookstore girl. How's that going?

Okay.

I'm just not gaga over her.

For once, I'd like to be gaga.

Where's Elaine?

She's having Carol, Gail and Lisa over.

You know, they all have kids now.

What's with all these people having babies?

Perpetuation of the species. Yeah, right.

By the way, just for the record--

No, I did not!

All right.

CAROL: But because it comes out

of your baby, it smells good.

Well, that's-- That's sweet.

Well, that's-- That's sweet.

Being a mother has made me feel so beautiful.

Elaine, ya gotta have a baby.

Oh, hey, you know,

I had a piece of whitefish

over at Barney Greengrass the other day, and I--

Elaine, move to Long Island and have a baby already.

I really like the city. The city's a toilet.

When's the last time you saw my little Adam?

Uh, it was in the Hamptons.

Ah, I have pictures. Oh, no, no, that's okay. It's--

Look at him, just look at him.

Look at him, just look at him.

[♪]

So Elaine was telling me

about this piece of whitefish she had the other day.

Do you really think I'm wrong about this Wyck guy?

You know, if you really wanna test him out,

why don't you try the Jerry Lewis trick?

Jerry Lewis?

I heard when Jerry Lewis left a meeting

he'd purposely leave a briefcase with a tape recorder in it.

Then after five minutes, he'd come back for it,

listen to what everyone said about him.

That's pretty paranoid. Yes, it is.

I like it! I thought you might.

[♪]

Oh. Hi.

Oh. Hi.

I'm Pam.

You must be Kramer.

Jerry has, uh, told me a lot about you.

[MOANS]

Well, uh, I'm supposed to meet Jerry.

It's my day off.

I work in a bookstore.

[MOUTHS] Books.

Oh! Careful!

Hi. Sorry I'm late. Hi.

That's okay. Kramer let me in.

If we rush, we can still make the movie.

It was really nice meeting you.

[SQUEALS]

KRAMER: I'm in trouble, buddy.

I just met a woman.

Go on. Well...

she's Jerry's girlfriend.

Ah, yes,

forbidden love.

She works in a bookshop.

Her name is Pam.

Pam.

I don't know the woman, but she sounds quite fetching.

I can't even speak in front of her.

Jerry!

What could she possibly see in Jerry?

What could she possibly see in Jerry?

Oh!

She has delicate beauty.

Jerry wouldn't know delicate

if it bludgeoned him over the head.

And yet, he's my friend.

And therein lies the tragedy.

For I believe, sadly for you,

that there is but one woman meant for each of us.

One perfect angel

for whom we are put on this earth.

Oh, that's beautiful, Newman.

One winsome tulip

we ceaselessly yearn for

we ceaselessly yearn for

throughout our dreary workaday lives,

and you, my friend, have found your angel.

I can tell.

For my heart has also been captured

by a breathless beauty

whom I fear I will never possess.

I thought we were talking about me.

Oh, right.

Kramer, you have to confront Jerry.

Confront Jerry? I can't.

You must. I won't.

You will!

[AS CAROL] "Elaine, you gotta have a baby."

[AS CAROL] "Elaine, you gotta have a baby."

Ehh.

Where are the poetry magazines?

[NORMAL VOICE] The New Yorker has poetry.

Yes, The New Yorker.

Why do you invite these women over

if they annoy you so much?

Well, they're my friends,

but they act as if having a baby takes some kind of talent.

Come on. You wanna have a baby.

Why? Because I can?

It's the life force.

I saw a show on the mollusk last night.

Elaine, the mollusk travels from Alaska to Chile

just for a shot at another mollusk.

You think you're any better?

Yes, I think I am better than the mollusk.

Yes, I think I am better than the mollusk.

Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing

what you were saying. Oh, I'm sorry--

No, no. I think I agree with you.

I mean, all this talk about having babies.

Yeah, like you must procreate.

Besides, anyone can do it.

Oh, it's been done to death.

[♪]

GEORGE: I, uh, should have a poem very soon now.

Are you okay, George? [CLATTERING]

No, no.

Not really.

Ever since Susan passed on I have good days and bad.

Ever since Susan passed on I have good days and bad.

Some days I-- I'm haunted by one word:

why?

Why Susan?

Why wasn't it me licking those invitations?

Why am I still here?

But I gotta run, uh...

[♪]

Now, the stock options

for this year look, uh, quite--

Briefcase.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

[♪]

So, Kevin, if I don't want children,

does that make me a bad humanitarian?

Not at all.

I mean, when you get to know me,

you'll see that I'm a pretty good humanitarian.

You are doing a wonderful job, by the way.

You are doing a wonderful job, by the way.

WAITRESS: Thanks a lot.

Right? Am I right? Yeah.

Kramer.

Kramer, come here, look at my new friend Kevin.

Oh, you got a little, uh--

You got-- Wha--? Oh, yeah.

I just had, uh, two double-fudge sundaes.

Oh, are you all right?

Yeah, I'll be okay.

You know, Jerry has one of those every time he bombs on stage.

Well, I'm sure he'll be sharing his next one with Pam.

Oh, no, that won't last.

What do you mean?

He's not gaga.

He's not gaga.

[GIBBERS]

[♪]

Let me tell you something. That Jerry Lewis?

You wonder how these people get to the top?

It's ideas like this. Brilliant! Ha, ha.

Look at this. What the hell happened?

The whole side is damaged here.

And the lock is broken.

How long did you leave it there?

Five minutes.

What the hell happened here?

Play the tape. Maybe we'll get a clue.

I have to rewind it first.

I have to rewind it first.

[CLICKS]

All right. All right.

MAN [ON TAPE]: Did anyone notice George's fingernails?

WOMAN: Oh, my, yes.

They look like they were eaten away by weevils.

WYCK: It's getting warm in here. Open the window.

WYCK: It's getting warm in here. Open the window.

Hey, what are you doing?

WOMAN: Dear God!

[LOUD THUD, RECORDING ENDS]

Is that it?

It stopped dead.

What do you make of it?

I don't know.

Jerry,

uh, can we talk?

Kind of busy here.

I'd like to talk to Jerry in private.

Why can't I stay?

Because it doesn't concern you.

Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay.

Well, if it doesn't concern me, then I can stay.

So, what's on your mind?

It's Pam.

Pam? What about Pam?

I love her, Jerry.

You what?

I love her.

Is that right?

Oh, she's-- She's real.

She can bring home the bacon and fry it in the pan.

What does that mean?

Oh, and that voice.

What about her name? Pam?

What about her name? Pam?

Oh, it's a beautiful name.

Pam.

Pam?

Pam!

She's got really nice hair.

Oh, it's incredible.

Although, I might replace her tortoise clip

with one of those velvet scrunchies.

I love those.

You've got really specific tastes.

Oh, I know what I want, Jerry.

She's got nice calves.

Oh, she's a dreamboat, but you don't like her.

Maybe I could. You're making some good points.

No, you can't, Jerry.

But I might.

But I might.

Oh, no, you don't. Why not?

The voice, the calves, the bacon.

What? I think I can. I even like the name. Pam.

Huh? Huh? Pam. Pam.

[♪]

[♪]

So now he wants her more than ever.

Blast!

What am I gonna do, huh?

Don't despair, my friend.

Ow! [GRUNTS]

I won't allow your love to go unrequited,

not like mine.

What, again with you?

Sorry.

But love is a spice with many tastes.

A dizzying array of textures and moments.

If only I could say things like that around her.

Yes.

[♪]

ELAINE: Well, I hear three distinct sounds.

A low rumple,

followed by a metallic squink--

Yes, yes, I heard the squink.

Followed by a mysterious...galonk.

It's a real baffler, isn't it?

Well, one question does come to mind.

Have you considered

just asking 'em what happened to the briefcase?

just asking 'em what happened to the briefcase?

They would never tell me, Elaine.

First of all, they probably think

that I killed Susan.

Besides, I don't even think they like me.

That Pam. I am gaga over her.

Gaga? When did that happen?

Yesterday, 6-ish.

Huh.

Well, maybe we should double. I'm pretty gaga myself.

You just met the guy yesterday.

Yeah, but we have a common goal.

A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?

[GIGGLING] Yeah.

You really believe this guy doesn't want to have kids?

Of course. JERRY: Elaine,

a guy will say anything to a woman.

Oh, please, he wouldn't say that.

Elaine, I once told a woman that I coined the phrase:

"Pardon my French."

I once told a woman I don't eat cake

because it goes right to my thighs.

Once told a woman I enjoy spending time

with my family.

[♪]

NEWMAN: With your looks and my words

NEWMAN: With your looks and my words

we'll have built the perfect beast.

All right.

Oh, hi, Kramer.

[SOFTLY] Hi, how are you?

Hi, how are you?

I'm great.

I too am well.

I too am well.

Do I smell Pantene?

Do I smell?

Pantene! Uh, Pantene?

Pantene! Uh, Pantene?

PAM: Oh!

My shampoo.

Yeah, yeah, you know, it is Pantene.

I got a free sample of it in with my junk mail.

Well, there really is no junk mail.

Everybody wants a check or a birthday card, but--

It requires just as much manpower to deliver

as their precious cards-- Newman.

[GRUNTS]

What? Uh, human. Human.

It's human to be moved by a fragrance.

That's so true.

Her bouquet cleaved his hardened--

Her bouquet cleaved his hardened--

Shell. Shell

And fondled his muscled heart

He imbibed her glistening spell

Just before the other shoe fell

Kramer, that is so lovely.

It's by a-- An unknown 20th century poet.

Oh, what's him name?

Newman.

[♪]

KEVIN: Elaine, you changed my life.

KEVIN: Elaine, you changed my life.

Oh, Kevin,

you can go on and on about how you don't want kids,

and it-- It sounds-- It sounds really nice,

but the truth is, I don't know if you mean it or not.

I got a vasectomy this morning.

Although, I have a hunch you mean it.

[♪]

JERRY: I just came by to tell you

I'm really, really happy about this relationship.

Really happy.

Oh, well, that's--

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Nice.

JERRY: A velvet scrunchie.

Kramer.

[♪]

[FLATLY] Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

How's Pam?

Pam? What do you care?

Well, ta-ta.

Well, ta-ta.

[GIGGLING]

Wait a minute.

[♪]

All right, Newman, this is it.

Steady, Jerry. Steady.

You wouldn't wanna lose your cool now.

Why not?

Because right now

I'm the only chance you've got.

[GIGGLES]

[SWALLOWS]

Come on.

[♪]

I can't believe I'm losing Pam.

I know how you feel,

for I too have a woman for whom I pine.

I thought we were talking about me.

Right. Anyway,

Right. Anyway,

I don't need your help.

Oh, don't you, joke boy? [DOOR OPENS]

You really think you can manipulate

that beautiful young woman

like the half-soused, nightclub rabble

that lap up your inane "observations"?

All right, Newman.

What do I have to do to get you to stop

pulling the strings for Kramer?

Well, there is a little something

you can do for me.

Come on, out with it.

It's about Elaine.

Elaine? What does she have to--?

Oh, no.

You dated her. Give me some inside information.

Anything I can use.

Well, I know she doesn't wanna have kids.

[♪]

I thought you'd be a little more enthusiastic about it.

I know. I-- I don't want--

[CLEARS THROAT]

Kids.

What was that?

Well...

Kevin, maybe I have a little doubt.

I mean, nothing is 100 percent.

This is.

Oh, boy, I always do this.

What? I get all jazzed up

about something, and I go way too far with it.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Like last summer, I'm watching TV

and I saw one of those jet skis.

Huh.

Four thousand dollars later

and it's sitting in my garage.

You know, that's weird actually,

'cause I'm sort of the same way.

I mean, once,

for, like, no reason, I flattened my hair

and I had all these strands hanging in my face all the time.

Sometimes I think I do want kids.

Maybe a lot of kids.

Maybe a lot of kids.

Sometimes I think about wearing my hair real short.

Yeah, I think I like short hair,

really short.

Yeah. Yeah.

[♪]

This is a crude mockup of the conference room.

One-fourteenth scale.

When did you build this thing?

Yesterday. Took the day off.

Now, from the time that I left the room--

Now, from the time that I left the room--

Wait. That's you?

Yeah.

I think the M&M should be you.

All right, whatever!

Now, whatever caused the damage,

it was jarring enough to completely stop the tape.

And?

Okay.

That's what we know.

But we already knew that.

Well, yeah.

Well, yeah.

Just give me some idea what you think it could be.

I don't know if you're ready for it.

Please.

I believe that I'm about to become the target

of a systematic process of intimidation

and manipulation, the likes of which--

Hold it. You're right. I'm-- I'm not ready for this.

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Yeah? It's Pam.

Come on up.

All right, it's Pam. You gotta get going.

I'm not through here, Jerry.

I'm gonna keep on investigating.

This thing is like an onion.

This thing is like an onion.

The more layers you peel, the more it stinks.

What was that?

We were just playing.

Listen,

I had a long talk with Kramer today.

Uh-huh? Well, the thing is I, uh--

I think I have a little crush on him.

I'm so happy.

My world suddenly has meaning.

This is the man you have a crush on?

This is the man you have a crush on?

Well, I have feelings for both of you.

You have feelings for him? We're soul mates.

Why can't I be a soul mate?

Jerry,

you really think that Pam would want you

to be the father of her children?

Children?

Who said anything about children?

I don't wanna have children.

[♪]

GEORGE: There are some people in this room

who would've been very happy to never see...

this briefcase again.

There are people in this room

who think they can destroy other people's property

who think they can destroy other people's property

and get away with it.

Well, let me tell you something about those people.

They weren't counting on this brain!

And this tape recorder.

George-- You'll have your turn!

The truth must be heard.

[CLICKS]

WYCK: Hey, what are you doing?

WOMAN: Dear God!

[LOUD THUD, RECORDING ENDS]

[CLICKS]

That's all there was,

and yet it speaks volumes.

and yet it speaks volumes.

A low rumple,

a metallic squink,

a galonk,

and someone crying out, "Dear God!"

Let's start with, uh...

With you, Wyck.

George,

Quinn here was moving a chair.

He lost his balance and dropped it.

It must have fallen on your briefcase,

which for some reason,

contained a running tape recorder.

contained a running tape recorder.

All right then.

We've gotten to the bottom of that.

[♪]

Uh--

What are you guys doing here?

We're getting vasectomies.

[LAUGHING] Why?

I'm doing it for you.

What?

What?

What'd you do to your hair?

I cut it.

It's a little short.

You think?

What are you doing here?

Kevin's having his vasectomy reversed.

Reversed? Reversed?

[GASPING]

[♪]

He imbibed her glistening spell

Just before the other shoe fell

Is that a Keats poem?

No, it's a Newman.

[QUIETLY] Newman.

Well, I gotta run.

Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan?

Does anyone think George might have murdered Susan?

Oh, yeah, I just assumed he murdered her.

Of course he killed her.

So it's not just me then.

All right. Back to business.

[♪]