Original subtitles

In the hospital, everybody lies in bed.

Whatever's wrong with a human being...Lie down.

Doctor never says to you:

"Well, your condition isn't as bad as we originally thought.

"We want you to kinda lean against the doorjamb

for 7-10 days, see how that feels."

Right? It's always a bed,

unless you go to the emergency room, then it's a chair.

You been shot, stabbed, run over, have a seat.

[♪]

There's always a very interesting cultural, ethnic mix

to the hospital staff.

It's like a local news team in there.

The doctor's like the anchor man.

The doctor's like the anchor man.

He's got white hair. He's in charge.

The nurse is like the feature reporter, you know.

You listen to her, but it's always,

"and now, back to your doctor."

And the orderlies come in with the food and bed pans.

And that's like your sports and weather.

[♪]

And then a baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming,

and my brother, who's videotaping the whole thing,

turns green. His eyes roll up in his head and he blacks out.

He drops the camera. The camera breaks.

And then the placenta comes flying out.

Whoa!

And then a doctor says--

Hey, thanks. That's enough.

Will you look at that kid?

Sucking away. Sucking like there's no tomorrow.

Suck, suck, suck.

Suck, suck, suck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at that, Jerry!

Yeah, I looked! I-I-I saw it.

This doesn't make you uncomfortable?

No, no.

Uncomfortable? Not at all.

My friend's wife's breasts are sticking out.

Why would that make me uncomfortable?

Look at him!

So how long do they do this?

Year or two.

No break?

After that comes the weaning.

After the sucking comes the weaning.

First the sucking, then the weaning.

Gotta wean.

Must wean.

[TAPPING]

[TAPPING]

What about that spot I got?

Yeah. I saw the spot.

You open the door to the car, boom!

You walk right into the hospital.

You can't beat that spot!

Hoo-hoo! I am on a roll!

Yeah!

I'm just willing these great parking spots.

George.

Maybe the baby would like to see the spot.

A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with, huh?

You can still get a great spot

in this city if you apply yourself!

in this city if you apply yourself!

Hey where's Kramer? Shouldn't he be here by now?

Did you gave him the room number?

Yeah. 1397.

Kramer: 1937.

1937, 1937.

Excuse me. Do you know where the elevator is?

Uh, yeah. It's right around the corner there.

1937.

Oh!

[WHEEZING]

Oh, God!

It's a pig-man!

A pig-man!

So, anyway, Jerry, Elaine, we have something to ask you.

You gotta look at this.

I pulled it in perfectly equidistant

from the car in front of me and the car behind me.

Would you shut up, George? I'm taking a cab home.

I can't take this anymore.

I'm sorry about this.

Myra and I would like you and Elaine

to be the godparents of Steven.

Oh, wow!

Me? A godfather?

Yes.

Yes.

[AS DON CORLEONE] Never go against the family, Elaine.

What?

Hey, I just saw a pig-man.

A pig-man!

He was sleeping, and then he woke up and he looked at me,

and he made this horrible sound, this...

[SQUEALING]

Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about a pig-man!

I walked into the wrong room, and there he was!

A pig-man?

A pig-man! Half pig, half man!

That's great, Kramer.

That's great, Kramer.

So, anyway, tell us what's involved

in being a godparent.

[AS DON CORLEONE] Elaine, never ask me about my business.

Godfather?

The most important thing is you help with the bris.

The bris?

A bris? You mean circumcision?

Yeah.

I would advise against that.

Well, Kramer, it's a tradition.

Yeah, well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods,

but we don't do that anymore.

Well, maybe we should.

Hey.

Why are all those people milling around my car?

Maybe they're admiring your spot.

KRAMER: They're looking up.

Hey, there's a guy up on the roof!

KRAMER: Whoa! That's the guy I told where the elevator was.

Oh, God, I hope he doesn't jump.

[ALL GASPING]

[THUD]

My car!

My car!

A mohel? What the hell is a mohel?

A mohel is the person that performs a circumcision.

Well, where am I gonna find a mohel?

Motels, models,

how do you find a mohel?

Finding a mohel is a piece of cake.

Any idiot can find a mohel.

I have to hold the baby while they do it!

That's a tough job! How would you like that?

Hey, Jerry, you ever seen one?

Well, you mean that wasn't, uh...

Yeah.

No. You?

Yeah.

What did you think?

It had no face, no personality.

It was like a Martian.

But, hey, you know. That's me.

Hey.

Well, I got the estimate.

It's gonna cost more to repair the roof than the car is worth!

I'm going over and seeing that hospital administrator today.

I'm going over and seeing that hospital administrator today.

Someone is gonna pay for this damage, and it's not gonna be me!

Oh, you're screwed.

I know.

Swan dives from 20 floors up.

Lands right on top!

What do I got, a bull's-eye up there?

He couldn't move over 2 feet?

Land on the sidewalk. It's city property!

Well, I have to interview a mohel.

How about our little Elaine, huh?

Attended the finest finishing schools on the Eastern Seaboard.

Equestrian competitions, debutante balls.

Equestrian competitions, debutante balls.

Look at her now: interviewing mohels.

Yeah!

What's the matter?

Are you all right?

Don't ever question my instincts,

because my instincts are honed.

Look at that.

What now?

Look.

"Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research.

Government funds genetic research at area hospital."

Yeah? So?

Pig-man, baby. Pig-man!

If I have to hear about this pig-man one more time--

If I have to hear about this pig-man one more time--

Hey, I'm telling you,

the pig-man is alive!

The government has been experimenting

with pig-men since the fifties!

Oh, will you stop it. Just because they're

conducting DNA research doesn't mean they're creating a race of mutant pig-men!

Jerry, will you wake up to reality?

It's a military thing!

They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors!

I'll tell you something.

I wish there were pig-men.

You get a few of these pig-men walking around,

suddenly I'm looking a lot better.

suddenly I'm looking a lot better.

That way if someone wanted to fix me up,

they could say, "Hey, at least he's no pig-man!"

Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for these pig-men.

Whatever their deformity is,

there's always some group of perverts attracted to it.

"Ooh, that little tail really turns me on!"

That's just about enough.

This doesn't interest you?

Oh, no, it's fascinating, but could you do me a favor?

Could you tape the rest of

"The Pig-men and the Women Who Love Them" discussion,

and I'll listen to it the next time I'm here.

and I'll listen to it the next time I'm here.

I got to go find a mohel.

You know, you should call that off, Elaine.

It's a barbaric ritual!

Well, perhaps one day when the pig-men roam free,

it will be stopped, Kramer.

Until then, off with their heads!

Kramer, isn't it a question of hygiene?

It's a myth.

Besides, it makes sex more pleasurable.

Yeah. So how does that help me?

George, you ever see one?

Yeah. My roommate in college.

Yeah? What did you think?

Yeah? What did you think?

I got used to it.

I want to see the pig-man. Show me the pig-man.

Oh, don't worry. I'm going to show you.

and you'll never be the same.

Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this.

You know a lot of people have a nose like this.

They're not necessarily pig-men.

Believe me, Jerry. Somewhere in this hospital,

the anguished oink of pig-man cries out for help!

Well, if I hear an anguished oink, I'm out of here.

I don't see any pig-men.

I see human, human,

I see human, human,

human.

Wait a second! What?

Oh. It's George.

The administrator's on the third floor,

so I'll meet you guys back at the car.

Wait, George. You got room in the car for the pig-man, huh?

The pig-man can take the bus.

George, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride.

How do you know?

What if the pig-man had a two-seater?

Be realistic, George.

I'll tell you what.

If pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in.

If pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in.

I'll see you later.

Mr. Costanza, come in. Come in.

It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital.

Doctors, patients, everyone just grief-stricken

over this unfortunate occurrence.

Well, I join them in their grief.

Horrible thing!

Flew right past the children's wing.

All the sick children in the playroom looking out the window

just traumatized by the incident.

just traumatized by the incident.

Apparently, they thought he was flying.

You know how children are.

"Oh, look, a man is flying! A man is flying!"

And then...splat.

That's where I come in, um...on splat.

You see, Mrs. Sweedler--

or is it Hospital Administrator Sweedler?

Mrs. Sweedler.

Mrs. Sweedler. Thank you very much.

You see, this tragedy has affected me in a very...

very personal way.

very personal way.

How is that?

Yes, well,

you see...

the deceased...

landed on my car.

The splat, as it were,

actually occurred on the roof of my car.

Now, of course, I can't help but feel

that had it been a convertible,

this whole tragedy might have been averted.

But I've never really been

the kind of guy to buy a convertible,

what with the baldness and everything.

Well, I have known bald men who owned convertibles.

Well, I have known bald men who owned convertibles.

They wore a hat.

Yes, but then everything's all pulled down, and--

Ah, Anyway.

The damage, unfortunately, has...

marred an otherwise fine automobile,

rendering it virtually undrivable.

Yes. Well, that is a shame.

Yes! A shame. That is exactly how I would put it.

Now, Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity,

and taking in the whole scope of the situation,

and taking in the whole scope of the situation,

I just can't help but think that...

the hospital is somehow responsible

for compensating the other still living victim

of this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.

Mr. Costanza, Yes?

a man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise, Yes.

and you greedily, callously want to profit from it?

Well, "profit"? I--

Well, "profit"? I--

I think you'll see from the estimate

that I'm not really profiting that much.

It might be a little high, but--

Get out.

Get out now. Get out of my office!

Should I just leave--?

Get out!

This is it.

KRAMER: Uh, wait. Uh, excuse me.

KRAMER: Uh, wait. Uh, excuse me.

What happened to the guy that was in there before?

I don't know what you're talking about.

No, you know. This.

No...

This doesn't look familiar to you?

Uh, sir, uh--

Wait, now, look, look.

I know what's going on.

The oink, oink?

Yes, well If you'll excuse me. I have some patients I really--

Now, listen to me, you little quack!

There was a half-man, half-pig in that room over there!

Now, where is he? Where is he?!

Half what?

You know what I mean! Pork! Sausage!

You know what I mean! Pork! Sausage!

"Abdee-abdee-- that's all folks!"

I think he's been released.

Ugh.

He's lying!

All right, Kramer. Enough of this.

I gotta go find George.

All right. You go ahead.

Kramer.

[♪]

Where's the mohel?

He'll be here.

He's late already.

Relax! You'd think you were getting whacked.

I don't know why he asked me to be the godfather.

We're not that close. Just 'cause we're on the softball team?

I'm the pitcher, he's the catcher.

He thinks we have a special relationship?

I thought pitchers and catchers did have a special rapport.

Well, maybe in hardball with all the signals

and everything, but I'm just lobbing it in.

We don't have any conferences.

He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.

He doesn't come out to the mound and encourage me.

Well, what about me?

I just watched a few games with her,

sitting in the stands.

Don't they have any closer friends?

They're level jumping on our friendship.

Yes, it is level jumping!

[WHISTLING]

So, uh...Been to a bris before?

No.

I been to a few of 'em.

If you start to get woozy later,

which is quite common, you know, stay close to me.

which is quite common, you know, stay close to me.

I'll get you through it.

I'm a cardiologist.

I think I'll manage.

Oh!

KRAMER: Hey, we're not talking about a manicure.

Imagine. This is going to be his first memory

of his parents just standing there

while some stranger

cuts off a piece of his manhood

and then serves a catered lunch!

Myra?

She'll be okay.

Kramer, what's the matter with you?

Me?

Oh, that's the mohel!

GUESTS: Mohel.

Hi! Hello! Hello!

Hello. I'm the mohel.

It's very nice to meet you all.

[CLANGING]

What was that?

Jeez, it scared the hell out of me!

My God, I almost had a heart attack!

Okay, I'm fine. I'm fine. Anyway...

We're here to perform the mitzvah of the bris.

[BABY CRYING]

Is the baby going to cry like that?

The baby cries with that loud, sustained squealing cry?

'Cause that could pose a problem.

Do have any control over your child?

Because this would be the time to exercise it,

when baby is crying in the high-pitched squealing tone

when baby is crying in the high-pitched squealing tone

that can drive you insane!

Did you find the place all right?

Did I find it all right?

Could you send me to a more dangerous neighborhood?

I'm dreading walking back to the subway,

someone shouldn't smack me and steal my bag.

Because I'll be lying there

And people will spit on me and empty my pockets.

I'll be lying in the gutter like a bum, a dog, a mutt, an animal!

God forbid anybody should help me or call an ambulance!

Oh, no, that's too much trouble,

to pick up a phone and press some buttons!

to pick up a phone and press some buttons!

Ahhh. What's the point?

Oh, yeah.

Darling, you see where that glass is?

You see how the glass is near the edge of the table?

You've got the whole table there to put the glass.

Why you chose the absolute edge

so half the glass is hanging off the table--

You breathe, and that glass falls over,

and then you got broken glass on the carpet.

Embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag,

Broken glass. Bits of broken glass you can never get up.

You can't get it up with a vacuum cleaner.

You can't get it up with a vacuum cleaner.

Even on your knees, with a magnifying glass,

you'll never get all the pieces.

And then you think you got it all.

And then one day, two years later, you're walking barefoot,

you step on broken glass and kill yourself!

I don't think that's what you want. Is it?

Do you? Huh? Huh?

Uh...

He's very highly recommended, so...

You're holding the baby?

No, no!

Hello? Who's holding the baby?

Who's holding the baby?

Jerry is. Jerry, do you wanna--?

Yeah. I'm holding the baby.

Yeah. I'm holding the baby.

Okay, go.

I'm going. I am. I'm going.

Don't push me!

Okay, you sit there. Now I need the baby.

Bring me the baby. I need the baby!

No, I'm not going to let you!

STAN: Kramer! Hey, what are you doing?

Come back here!

[CLAMORING]

MOHEL: People, people!

Compose yourself! This is a bris!

We're performing a bris here, not a burlesque show!

This is not a school play!

This is not a baggy pants farce! This is a bris.

A sacred, ancient ceremony

A sacred, ancient ceremony

symbolizing the covenant between God and Abraham...

or something.

Oh!

No, don't touch anything. Don't touch a thing!

I could have been a kosher butcher like my brother.

The money's good.

He's got a union with benefits.

And cows don't have families.

You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life.

Anyway...

JERRY: Hurry up, George. Step on it!

All right, all right!

Damn mohel!

He circumcised my finger.

The mohel circumcised my finger!

You flinched.

Flinched? I did not flinch. George, did I flinch?

Oh, how would he know? He blacked out! He fainted!

It was very dramatic.

The last thing I remember was you flinching.

Then everything went black.

Who's got tissues? I need more tissues.

Look at this thing. It's my phone finger!

Will you be careful? You're getting blood all over the car!

What about the baby?

Oh, the baby's fine. They just took him

Oh, the baby's fine. They just took him

to the hospital as a precautionary measure.

But look at me! I'm the one who's hurt!

Will you stop it? You're just gonna need a few stitches!

Few stitches. I never had stitches!

I'll be deformed. I can't live with that.

Goes against my whole personality. It's not me.

Hey, look at that!

Boy, are you lucky!

Another great spot right in front of the hospital!

In an emergency yet! How lucky are you, huh?

Is that unbelievable?

How unbelievable is that, huh?

Come on, give it to me! Give it to me!

GEORGE: I have never seen a mohel like that.

That was a one in a million mohel.

I said I'm sorry.

Look at this.

It'll be okay. I'll see you later, huh?

Where is he going?

I'm going to look for a bathroom.

Oh, well, if it isn't shaky the mohel!

Nice job on the circumcision,

but it's not supposed to be a finger!

The circumcision was perfect.

It was your fault. You flinched.

Oh, who made you a mohel?

Did you get your degree from a matchbook?

You see? He flinched again!

Nice mohel picking Elaine. You picked a hell of a mohel!

One more peep, I'll slice you like a smoked sturgeon!

One more peep, I'll slice you like a smoked sturgeon!

Don't threaten me, butcher boy!

Butcher boy?

Yeah, what was this?

What was this?

It was your fault!

Jerry, the mohel's got a knife!

Hey, what's going on out here?

You should be ashamed of yourself! The both of ya!

Ah! Blood!

Oh, How's the baby?

There's nothing wrong with the baby.

The circumcision went fine.

Thank God the flincher didn't harm the baby!

I'll get you for this!

This is my business! This is my life.

No one ruins it for me! No one!

No one ruins it for me! No one!

Here's my card.

KRAMER: Get out of my way!

[SNORTING]

I can't do it.

[AS DON CORLEONE] Look what they did to my boy.

They massacred my boy.

You really do the worst Godfather I've ever heard.

You're not even close.

Ahh.

[BUZZING]

Oh, that's the Flicks.

Oh, that's the Flicks.

It's a '76 Chevy Impala.

No, they stole it right in front of the hospital.

I saw the guy drive off in it.

Well, he's about 5 feet tall,

hairless, pink complexion.

Looks like a pig.

Yeah. All right. Thank you.

Yeah.

So...

Any word from the pig-man?

No.

No.

No. And he's not a pig-man, is he?

No, he's not.

He's just a fat, little mental-patient.

Myra, Stan.

Don't touch him!

What's the matter?

You're out as godfather. You too. You're both out.

But I didn't do-- No! No "buts."

We've made up our minds.

We want Kramer.

He showed us how much he cares about Steven.

[AS DON CORLEONE] Don't ever go against the family, Jerry.

[AS DON CORLEONE] Don't ever go against the family, Jerry.

[♪]

Godfather.

Godfather.

Yes.

To me what's really amazing, that for every job there is

in the world, there's someone willing to do it.

Someone goes: "Yes, I will stand in the tunnel breathing exhaust

fumes, watching the cars go by, making sure everything's okay."

Someone goes: "Yes, I will work behind the elephant

with the big shovel. I will do it."

Doctors go: "Yes, I will confine myself to one particularly

"objectionable part of the human body all day, every day.

I will do it."

I think a lot of people that are unemployed

are not really unable to find work,

are not really unable to find work,

they're just easily disgusted.

"Yes, I'm starving and my family has no clothing or shelter,

but I'm not cleaning that up."