Original subtitles

To me, government is basically parents for adults.

Especially the IRS.

The IRS is like Ward and June Cleaver,

and we're all Wally and the Beaver.

And your accountant is Eddie Haskell

showing you all these neat tricks

to get away with stuff.

Which is fine unless you get audited.

Then you don't want some wise guy in a suit,

just standing there going:

"You have a very lovely office here, sir."

Because jail is the government's way

of sending you to your room.

And when you meet Whitey and Lumpy in the joint,

And when you meet Whitey and Lumpy in the joint,

there's really going to be something wrong with the Beaver.

[♪]

So, does he like you? What do you think?

Do you like him? Yeah, yeah, I like him.

Definitely like him. I like him a lot.

So, what's wrong with him?

Nothing, and I've looked.

Well, I'm sure you'll find something.

So, how'd you meet him? In the office.

So, he's a writer? Yeah.

Yeah, big surprise.

So, I was sitting on the reception desk,

I was looking pretty hot,

I was wearing my sling-back pumps.

What are those?

Ask your mother.

You live with her now, don't you?

You live with her now, don't you?

Anyway, so then this guy comes up to me,

and he starts feeling my jacket,

between his thumb and his forefinger, like this.

So what'd you do?

I said, "so, what do you think?"

and he said, "Gabardine?"

and I said, "yeah." That was it.

Wow. Just felt your material?

Yeah. Jake Jarmel.

Wow. Sounds like a cool guy.

Sounds like a jerk.

"Felt your material," come on.

Jerry, where'd you get that sweater?

Yeah, what do you think? I found it in the back of my closet.

Yeah, what do you think? I found it in the back of my closet.

I think that's what the back of closets are for.

Hey, that's Barry.

Look it. Barry.

Hey. Hi.

GEORGE: Who's that?

That's Barry Prophet. He's our accountant.

I don't know how you can let this guy handle all your money.

Oh, he doesn't handle my money, he handles Jerry's money.

He just does my taxes.

Hey, Barry. How you doing?

This is my friend George.

Hi, what are you doing in this neighborhood?

Nothing, really.

[SNIFFING]

You eat here?

Yeah. So, how's my money?

It's still green.

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

What, you got a cold?

No, no.

Wow. Look at that ring.

Oh, you like that?

Say, uh, where's the bathroom?

Bathroom, uh? Bathroom's right over there.

Great.

Did you see that?

See what?

Yes, I saw that.

What?

What was all that sniffing?

I don't know.

You don't think--?

Oh, no! Come on, Jerry.

He was definitely sniffing.

I mean, what if--?

I mean, what if--?

This guy's got all my money.

Plus I got some of Kramer's money with him.

This guy can write checks to himself,

right out of my account.

I have known this guy since college,

He doesn't do drugs.

Then what was all that sniffing?

Maybe it's the cold weather.

Today's not cold.

All right.

I gotta get going, My parents are expecting me.

Don't forget to wash your hands before supper.

What do you need all that ketchup for?

This is my ketchup.

This is my ketchup.

I bought this ketchup,

just so I could have as much as I wanted.

So I talked to Phil Kassikoff today.

Phil Kassikoff?

Yeah. You know, my friend the bra salesman.

He says they're looking to maybe put somebody on,

so I got you an interview next Friday with his boss.

Next Friday? What time?

2:00.

That's my whole afternoon.

I was gonna look for sneakers.

You can look for sneakers the next day!

You can look for sneakers the next day!

He doesn't know anything about bras.

I know a little.

Besides, what do you have to know?

Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in

and be able to discuss it intelligently.

Maybe you should take a look at a few bras.

Where's your bra?

Give him a bra to look at.

I'm not giving him a bra, Why not?

because I don't need him looking at my bras.

Fine. So he'll go into the interview--

He wouldn't know what he's talking about.

Do we have to...?

Do we have to...?

You don't even know what they're made from.

They're made from Lycra spandex.

Get out of here. Lycra spandex?

I think they are made from Lycra spandex.

Do you wanna bet? How much you wanna bet?

I'm not betting. Take a look.

All right. I'll get a bra.

I don't know what the big problem is,

getting a bra.

She doesn't want to get a bra.

I'm not saying go to the library and read the whole history,

but it wouldn't kill you to know a little bit about it.

All right. It wouldn't kill me.

How long does it take to find a bra?

What's going on in there?

You ask me to get a pair of underwear,

I'm back in two seconds.

You know about the cup sizes and all?

They have different cups.

Yeah, I know about the cups.

You got the "A."

the "B,"

the "C,"

the "D."

the "D."

That's the biggest.

I know the "D" is the biggest.

I based my whole life on knowing that the "D" is the biggest.

Here. Here's the bra.

Let me see it.

One hundred percent Lycra spandex.

Let me see it. I told you.

Here.

You think you know everything.

Huh. That's surprising.

All right, what else?

You got the cups in the front,

two loops in the back.

All right, I guess that's about it.

All right, I guess that's about it.

I got it. Cups in the front, loops in the back.

You got ketchup on it.

Sniffing? What do you mean, sniff?

Sniffing with his nose.

Jerry, he probably had a cold.

No, he didn't. I asked him.

So what are you saying?

I don't know. You know, what if--?

Drugs?

You think he's on drugs?

I don't know. All I know is he was sniffing.

Listen, we went in on a CD together.

Listen, we went in on a CD together.

I know.

And Newman gave you money too.

See, I didn't even meet this guy.

You know. We trusted you.

Look, It doesn't necessarily mean anything yet.

It just means he was sniffing.

Well, what else? Was he nervous?

Did he use a lot of slang?

Did he use the word "man"?

No, he didn't use "man."

I mean, when he was leaving, did he say, "I'm splittin'"?

No, but at one point, he did use the bathroom.

You think that's a bad sign?

You think that's a bad sign?

Yes, yes. That's what they do.

They live in the bathroom.

All right, what are we gonna do?

We're gonna go get our money back, right?

I don't know.

This sweater itches me. You want it?

Yeah.

Hello? Hel--?

Well, you notice anything?

You have cleaned up the whole apartment

and you're making dinner.

You're perfect! You're a perfect man!

BOTH: Ohhhhh.

Did anyone call?

You got a few messages, I wrote them down.

Where are they?

Let's see. They are--

Here they are.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah. Ha. I'll call you back.

Forget that.

[GASPS] Myra had the baby!

Oh, my god! That's wonderful!

Who called? She did.

She did? Oh, that's so great.

Where do you keep the corkscrew?

It's in the drawer, on the right.

Hmm.

What?

Nah. It's nothing.

No, what is it?

It's nothing.

Tell me.

Well, I was just curious,

why you didn't use an exclamation point.

What are you talking about?

Well, see right here?

You wrote, "Myra had the baby,"

but you didn't use an exclamation point.

So?

It's nothing. Forget it. Forget it.

I just found it curious.

I just found it curious.

What's so curious about it?

Well, I mean,

if one of your close friends had a baby,

and I left you a message about it,

I would use an exclamation point.

Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points,

as haphazardly as you do.

You don't think that someone having a baby

warrants an exclamation point?

Hey, look, I just jotted down the message.

I didn't know that I was required,

to capture the mood of each caller.

I just thought that you'd be a little more excited,

I just thought that you'd be a little more excited,

about a friend of mine having a baby.

Okay, I'm excited.

I just don't happen to like exclamation points.

Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use 'em.

Like the way I'm talking right now,

I would put exclamation points at the ends,

of all these sentences!

On this one! And on that one!

You can put one on this one:

I'm leaving!

You're out of your mind, you know that. Why?

It's an exclamation point.

It's a line with a dot under it.

It's a line with a dot under it.

Well, I felt it called for one.

"Called for one." You know, I thought I'd heard of everything.

I never heard of a relationship being affected by punctuation.

I find it very troubling that he didn't use one.

George is right.

Didn't take you long.

Anything new with that guy on drugs?

Oh, he's not on drugs.

Then why the sniffing?

Who walks around...sniffing?

All right, here. You call him right now, okay?

See if he's sniffing right now.

Good idea.

[RINGING]

Prophet and Goldstein.

Yes, I'd like to speak with Barry Prophet, please.

I'm sorry, he's out of town this week.

Out of town?

Yes. He went to South America.

South America?

South America?

I'll call back. Thank you.

He went to South America.

Yeeahh!

So what?

Who goes to South America?

People go to South America.

Yeah, and they come back with things taped to their large intestine.

Yeah, and they come back with things taped to their large intestine.

So because of a few bad apples,

you're going to impugn an entire continent?

Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

Well, I say we go and get our money right now!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

So any news?

Yeah, he skipped out and went to South America.

South America?

What kind of snow-blower did you get us mixed up with?

Okay gentlemen, the fact remains you still have no proof.

Okay gentlemen, the fact remains you still have no proof.

This is all speculation and hearsay.

Wait, there's one way to find out.

We set up a sting.

You know, like Abscam.

Like Abscam, Jerry.

Oh, what are you going to do?

You're going to put on phony beards,

and dress up like Arab sheiks,

and sit around in some hotel room?

I mean, come on.

Well, wait a second.

Maybe there is a way that we could tempt him and find out.

I'm sure if we put our three heads together,

we should come up with something.

[♪]

What's today?

It's Thursday.

Really?

Feels like Tuesday.

Tuesday has no feeling.

Monday has a feel.

Friday has a feel.

Sunday has a feel.

I feel Tuesday and Wedn--

All right, shut up, the both of you.

You're making me nervous.

Where is he already? He should have been out of work by now.

You know, this is kinda fun.

You know, this is kinda fun.

Yeah. Maybe we ought to become private detectives.

Maybe you should.

Maybe I will.

Yeah, me too.

All right, what are you gonna say to him?

I'm just gonna find out if he's interested.

Hey, maybe I should go in with him.

No, you stay here in the car.

Who made you leader?

All right, Newman.

One more peep out of you,

you're outta the whole operation.

There he is. He's going into that bar.

All right,

I'm going in.

I'm going in.

Be careful, Kramer.

I should have gone in with him.

No, you stay here, in the car. I may need you.

What do you need me in the car for?

I might need you to get me a soda.

I'll have a brewski, Charlie.

The name's Mitch.

There's nothing like a cold one after a long day, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I've been known to drink a beer or two.

But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.

Cigarette?

No, no. I never touch 'em.

Well, I suck 'em down like Coca-Cola.

[SNIFFING]

Well,

Well,

here's to feeling good all the time.

[SNIFFING]

Looks like you got yourself a little cold there,

huh, fella?

I don't think so.

Me neither.

You should try this new dental floss, Glide. It's fantastic.

I use Dentotape.

You should try this.

I don't want to.

Not even once?

No.

You know, you're an idiot.

Why, 'cause I use Dentotape?

Right. Anyone who uses Dentotape is an idiot.

South America?

Yeah, yeah.

That's a burgeoning continent.

Well, they are expanding their economic base.

Tell me about it.

Tell me about it.

Excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom.

I'm hip.

Hip to what?

To the whole scene.

[SNIFFS]

What scene?

The bathroom scene.

Listen, don't take this personally,

but when I come back, I'm sitting over there.

Whatever turns you on.

No, no, no. I don't like it.

What do you mean you don't like it?

What do you mean you don't like it?

How could you not like it?

I like the thick tape.

BARRY: Hey!

What kind of nut are you?

What kind of nut are you?

So basically, George, the job here is quite simple:

selling bras.

Well, that interests me very much, very much indeed, sir.

Have you ever sold a woman's line before?

No. But, um...

I have a very good rapport with women.

Very good. Comfortable.

And from the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere...

I was enthralled.

Hmm.

Tell me about it.

Tell me about it.

Well, I was 14 years old.

I was in my friend's bathroom.

His mother's brassiere was hanging over the shower rod.

I picked it up,

I studied it,

I thought, "I like this."

I didn't know in what way or what level,

but I knew I wanted to be around brassieres.

That's an incredible story.

You have a remarkable passion for brassieres.

You have a remarkable passion for brassieres.

They're more than just underwear to me, Mr. Farkus.

Two cups in the front,

two loops in the back.

How do they do it?

Well, I think I can say,

barring some unforeseen incident,

that you will have a very bright future,

here at E.D. Granmont.

Thank you, Mr. Farkus. Thank you very much indeed.

See you Monday, 9:00.

If you don't mind, sir,

I'll be here at 8.

Excellent.

Excellent.

So long, Mr. Farkus.

What do you think you're you doing?

Nothing. Why?

Farkus, get out here.

Uh, yes, Ms. De Granmont?

Farkus,

who's this perverted little weasel?

Uh, this is Costanza, he's our new bra salesman.

He's supposed to start on Monday.

If he's here on Monday, you're not.

If he's here on Monday, you're not.

Take your pick.

Get out!

I'm terrible sorry, Ms. De Granmont.

ELAINE: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?

I was just, uh, going over the Jake Jarmel book.

I understand you worked with him very closely on this.

Yes, ahem, yes, I did.

Anyway, I was just reading your final edit,

and, um,

there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.

there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.

Well, I felt the writing lacked a certain emotion and intensity.

Ahh!

Hmm.

"It was a damp and chilly afternoon,

so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"

Right. Well--

You put an exclamation point after "sweatshirt."

That's correct.

I felt that the character doesn't like to be c-c-chilly.

I see.

"I pulled the lever on the machine,

"but the Clark bar didn't come out!"

Again exclamation.

Well, you know how frustrating that can be

Well, you know how frustrating that can be

when you keep putting quarters and quarters into a machine,

and nothing comes out--

Get rid of the exclamation points. Okay.

I hate exclamation points. Okay.

Okay, okay.

I'm just-- I'll--

"Dear Barry, consider this letter

"the official termination of our relationship

effective immediately."

Exclamation point.

You still have no proof.

Elaine, he was sniffing like crazy around me.

"I will expect all funds,

"I will expect all funds,

in the form of a cashier's check, no later than the 18th."

Double exclamation point.

Will that take care of ours too?

Yep. I'll give you yours as soon as I get my money back.

You want me to mail it? I'm on my way out anyway.

Yeah, thanks.

It'll be my pleasure.

[GIGGLING]

See you later.

You know--?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey, Ralph!

What's up, fellas?

That'll be $14.30. All right.

That'll be $14.30. All right.

Mushrooms? You got mushrooms, Jerry?

[SNIFFS]

What's the matter, you got a cold?

No. Kramer, what is this?

It's a sweater.

What is it made out of?

I don't know. Jerry gave it to me.

It's mohair, I think.

Mohair, it figures. I'm allergic to mohair.

You mean, you just started sniffing?

Yeah. Mohair does it to me every time.

I was wearing that sweater in the coffee shop,

when Barry came in.

Jerry, I was wearing it in the bar.

The sweater! The sweater made him sniff!

The sweater! The sweater made him sniff!

See, I told you he wasn't a drug addict.

Oh, no, the letter!

Newman, it's got exclamation points all over it.

Not to mention the picture of him on the toilet.

The what?

After you.

Thank you.

Get your hands off of me!

Johnny! Johnny!

What do you mean you felt her material?

What, with your fingers, like this?

So what? What's so bad about that?

Who goes around feeling people's material?

What can be gained by feeling a person's material?

It's insanity!

Whatever happened to:

"My that's a lovely dress you have on.

"May I have this dance?"

"May I have this dance?"

You know you are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.

Sorry I'm late.

I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.

What is this?

It's a letter from your friend, Barry Prophet's lawyer.

He's filing chapter 11?

What's going on?

Why's he filing chapter 11?

Bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy, as in

"I've taken your money and spent it on drugs."

What do you mean? I thought it was the sweater!

What do you mean? I thought it was the sweater!

All right, what about the money?

What about the money?

Apparently, if I'd dissolved my relationship with him,

prior to his filing chapter 11, I could have got the money back.

Which I would have done.

If a certain imbecile,

had been able to get to a mailbox,

and mail a letter.

A pair of bear claws, please.

Nice.

Nice.

Think so?

Yeah. What is it?

Half silk, half cotton, half linen.

How can you go wrong?

[♪]

My accountant actually did take a big chunk of money from me,

and use it to buy drugs.

And the thing that was hardest for me to comprehend about this,

is the life choice of drug abuse and accounting.

But actually, it makes sense.

Why would and athlete or musician take drugs?

They have an interesting job.

But an accountant?

If ever a job required some hallucinogenic support,

this is the job.

That should be the legal defense.

You're in court:

"You're charged with possession of illegal narcotics."

"You're charged with possession of illegal narcotics."

"But your honor, I'm an accountant."

Bang! "Case closed.

"Bailiff, give this man his peyote buttons and tequila back,

"for the drive home.

Sorry to bother you, sir, terribly sorry."