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1
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Oh, hi.
2
00:00:32,132 --> 00:00:34,293
A hundred episodes.
3
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:38,602
That's a lot. During the course of
which George, Elaine, Kramer and I...
4
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:42,902
...have had many experiences,
both positive and negative.
5
00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:44,839
Well, mostly negative.
6
00:00:45,011 --> 00:00:47,605
There've been some relationships
that haven't worked out...
7
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,578
...ambitions that were unfulfilled...
8
00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:51,808
...hopes dashed...
9
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,180
...some property damage,
hurt feelings...
10
00:00:54,354 --> 00:00:56,345
I know one guy got deported.
11
00:00:56,523 --> 00:00:58,218
Physical injury and...
12
00:00:58,425 --> 00:01:00,689
All right, maybe even
a death or two.
13
00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:02,327
But we've persevered.
14
00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:04,486
Because we're people.
15
00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:06,461
Real TV people.
16
00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:08,533
And for 30 minutes a week...
17
00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:10,601
...that's pretty important to us.
18
00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:12,397
So if you're joining us late...
19
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,336
...here's some highlights
from what's happened so far.
20
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,337
Why don't they have salsa
on the table?
21
00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:19,768
What do you need salsa for?
22
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:22,915
Salsa is now the number-one
condiment in America.
23
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,482
Do you know why?
24
00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:26,346
Because people like to say "salsa."
25
00:01:28,521 --> 00:01:29,749
Do you have any salsa?
26
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,687
We need more salsa.
Where is the salsa? No salsa?
27
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:36,054
You know, it must be impossible
for a Spanish person...
28
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,254
...to order seltzer and not get salsa.
29
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:42,260
I wanted seltzer, not salsa.
30
00:01:42,535 --> 00:01:44,526
Don't you know the difference
between them?
31
00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:47,104
You have the seltzer after the salsa.
32
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:50,738
This should be the show.
This is the show.
33
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:52,836
- What?
- This.
34
00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:54,843
Just talking.
35
00:01:55,014 --> 00:01:56,948
Yeah. Right.
36
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,782
No, I'm really serious.
I think that's a good idea.
37
00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:04,386
Just talking?
Well, what's the show about?
38
00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:05,880
It's about nothing.
39
00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:07,720
What's that red dot
on your sweater?
40
00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,988
Hey, didn't we come in over there?
41
00:02:13,833 --> 00:02:16,529
I thought we came in over there.
42
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,963
I'm out.
43
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,071
- What?
- Yeah, I'm out.
44
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:30,239
I'm out of the contest.
45
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:34,083
- No story?
- No, forget the story.
46
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:37,018
- You gotta have a story.
- Who says you gotta have a story?
47
00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:51,999
Four. Seinfeld.
48
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,400
Four.
49
00:02:53,573 --> 00:02:55,507
That'll be five, 10 minutes.
50
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:56,972
What, do you smell something?
51
00:02:57,143 --> 00:02:59,737
Do I smell something?
What am I, hard of smelling?
52
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:01,278
What is it?
53
00:03:01,447 --> 00:03:03,438
I think its BO.
54
00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:06,176
And who's on the show?
Who are the characters?
55
00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:07,853
I could be a character.
56
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:10,418
- You?
- Yeah. You base a character on me.
57
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,659
It's come to my attention
that you and the cleaning woman...
58
00:03:13,826 --> 00:03:17,728
...have engaged in sexual intercourse
on the desk in your office.
59
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,231
- Who said that?
- She did.
60
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:27,467
Was that wrong?
61
00:03:28,241 --> 00:03:30,436
Should I not have done that?
62
00:03:30,610 --> 00:03:32,441
I got to plead ignorance
on this thing...
63
00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:34,807
...because if anyone
had said anything to me...
64
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:38,917
...when I first started here that that
sort of thing was frowned upon...
65
00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:42,180
And who else is on the show?
66
00:03:42,488 --> 00:03:43,819
Elaine could be a character.
67
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:47,416
I wonder what happened
to my fiance.
68
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:49,327
I know he's here somewhere.
69
00:03:49,495 --> 00:03:53,955
I have lost my fiance,
the poor baby.
70
00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:58,629
Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
71
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:01,697
What?
72
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,934
The dingo ate your baby.
73
00:04:05,845 --> 00:04:09,008
- Kramer.
- Now, he's a character.
74
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:11,412
The bus is out of control.
75
00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:15,420
So I grab him by the collar,
take him out of the seat...
76
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:18,284
...get behind the wheel.
Now I'm driving the bus.
77
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:22,787
- You're Batman.
- Yeah. I am Batman.
78
00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:25,931
Then the mugger, he comes to,
and he starts choking me.
79
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,930
So I'm fighting him off
with one hand...
80
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,899
...and I kept driving the bus
with the other, you know?
81
00:04:31,070 --> 00:04:33,937
Then I managed to open the door
and kicked him out the door...
82
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,598
...with my foot, you know,
at the next stop.
83
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,971
You kept making all the stops?
84
00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:41,479
Well, people kept ringing the bell!
85
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,049
So everybody I know...
86
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:47,209
...is a character on the show.
- Right.
87
00:04:47,387 --> 00:04:50,356
My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!
88
00:04:50,523 --> 00:04:52,582
- Jerry.
- Uncle Leo.
89
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:54,021
Hello.
90
00:04:54,193 --> 00:04:55,421
How could you?
91
00:04:55,595 --> 00:04:57,563
- How could I what?
- You were making out...
92
00:04:57,730 --> 00:04:59,891
...during Schindler's List?
93
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,491
How long does it take to find a bra?
94
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:04,494
What's going on in there?
95
00:05:04,671 --> 00:05:08,038
You ask me to get a pair of
underwear, I'm back in two seconds.
96
00:05:09,342 --> 00:05:11,970
You know about the cup sizes
and all?
97
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:18,378
- They have different cups.
- Yeah, I know about the cups.
98
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,316
You got the A...
99
00:05:21,587 --> 00:05:22,815
...the B...
100
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,923
...the C...
101
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:27,559
...the D. That's the biggest.
102
00:05:27,727 --> 00:05:29,388
I go out for a quart of milk.
103
00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:32,156
I come home and find
my son treating his body...
104
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,994
...like it was an amusement park.
105
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:39,035
I'm a United States postal worker.
106
00:05:40,239 --> 00:05:42,264
Arert those the guys
that always go crazy...
107
00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:44,740
...and come back with a gun
and shoot everybody?
108
00:05:45,278 --> 00:05:47,109
Sometimes.
109
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:51,040
- Why is that?
- Because the mail never stops.
110
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:54,015
Every day it piles up more and more
and you gotta get it out...
111
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,620
...but more keeps coming in!
112
00:05:55,788 --> 00:05:59,053
Then the bar code reader breaks,
and it's Publishers Clearing House day!
113
00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:00,783
All right, all right, all right.
114
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,190
So you're saying I go into NBC
and tell them...
115
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,695
...I got this idea
for a show about nothing.
116
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,389
We go into NBC.
117
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,864
We? Since when are you a writer?
118
00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:12,765
What writer?
We're talking about a sitcom.
119
00:06:15,241 --> 00:06:16,731
You wanna go with me to NBC?
120
00:06:16,909 --> 00:06:18,467
Yeah, we really got something here.
121
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:19,872
- What do we got?
- An idea.
122
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,071
- What idea?
- An idea for the show.
123
00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:25,911
- I still don't know what the idea is.
- It's about nothing.
124
00:06:26,252 --> 00:06:28,083
- Right.
- Everybody's doing something.
125
00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:30,051
We'll do nothing.
126
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,056
Come on. Let's go do something.
I don't want to just sit around here.
127
00:06:33,259 --> 00:06:35,124
- Wanna get something to eat?
- Where?
128
00:06:35,294 --> 00:06:36,921
I don't care. I'm not hungry.
129
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:40,689
We could go to one of those
cappuccino places.
130
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:42,528
They let you just sit there.
131
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:45,169
What are we gonna do there, talk?
132
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:46,966
We can talk.
133
00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:49,799
I'll go if I don't have to talk.
134
00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:52,772
Then we'll just sit there.
135
00:06:52,945 --> 00:06:56,779
Oh, that's the astronaut pen. I heard
about that. Where did you get it?
136
00:06:57,316 --> 00:07:00,342
- It was a gift.
- Because a lot of times I write in bed...
137
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,648
...and I have to turn and lean on
my elbow to make the pen work.
138
00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,282
- Take the pen.
- Oh, no.
139
00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:08,517
- Go ahead.
- I couldn't.
140
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:10,025
- Take it.
- I can't take it.
141
00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:12,187
- Do me a personal favor.
- I'm not comfortable.
142
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:14,333
- I cannot take it.
- Take the pen.
143
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:17,663
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive. Take the pen.
144
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:22,173
Okay, thank you very much.
Thank you. Gee, boy.
145
00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:23,933
- Jack, what are you doing?
- Stop it.
146
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,203
Jack, we should go.
147
00:07:28,414 --> 00:07:30,575
It was nice meeting you.
148
00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:32,308
- Nice to meet you.
- Thanks again.
149
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:33,541
Come on!
150
00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,757
- This?
- Yeah.
151
00:07:40,993 --> 00:07:43,723
- I agreed to wear this?
- Yeah, yeah.
152
00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:46,395
Well, when did I do that?
153
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:48,796
When we went to dinner
the other night.
154
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,902
What, are you crazy?
155
00:07:51,370 --> 00:07:53,702
What were you talking about
when I went to the bathroom?
156
00:07:53,873 --> 00:07:56,171
I don't know.
I couldn't understand a word she said.
157
00:07:56,342 --> 00:07:58,708
- I was just nodding.
- There you go.
158
00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:00,673
Where I go?
159
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:03,509
You mean she was asking me
to wear this ridiculous shirt...
160
00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:07,210
...on national TV, and I said yes?
- Yes, yes. You said it.
161
00:08:07,386 --> 00:08:10,150
I didn't know what she was
talking about. I couldn't hear her.
162
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:15,454
- Well, she asked you.
- I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV.
163
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:17,895
I mean, look at it. It looks ridiculous.
164
00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:19,925
Well, you gotta wear it now.
165
00:08:20,099 --> 00:08:22,226
This pirate trend
she's come up with, Jerry...
166
00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:24,301
This is gonna be
the new look for the '90s.
167
00:08:24,470 --> 00:08:26,370
You're gonna be the first pirate.
168
00:08:26,539 --> 00:08:28,871
But I don't wanna be a pirate.
169
00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:31,202
I made a reservation.
Do you have my reservation?
170
00:08:31,377 --> 00:08:34,244
Yes, we do.
Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.
171
00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:37,378
But the reservation
keeps the car here.
172
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:39,711
That's why you have
the reservation.
173
00:08:39,952 --> 00:08:44,013
- I know why we have reservations.
- I don't think you do.
174
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,158
If you did, I'd have a car.
175
00:08:50,329 --> 00:08:52,263
See, you know how to take
the reservation.
176
00:08:52,431 --> 00:08:55,867
You just don't know how to hold
the reservation.
177
00:08:56,035 --> 00:09:01,200
And that's really the most important
part of the reservation, the holding.
178
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,604
Anybody can just take them.
179
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:14,447
I think I can sum up the show
for you with one word:
180
00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:18,014
Nothing.
181
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,819
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
182
00:09:20,993 --> 00:09:22,017
What does that mean?
183
00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:23,855
What did you do today?
184
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:26,624
- I got up and came to work.
- There's a show. That's a show.
185
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:29,961
How is that a show?
186
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:32,661
Well, maybe something happens
to you on the way to work.
187
00:09:32,838 --> 00:09:35,966
No. No! No! Nothing happens!
188
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,167
Well, something happens.
189
00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:41,472
- Well, why am I watching it?
- Because it's on TV.
190
00:09:42,348 --> 00:09:43,872
Not yet.
191
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,757
I'm telling you, she's good-Iooking.
192
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:06,167
- What about the body?
- Good body. Nice body.
193
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,466
- How nice?
- Nice. Pretty nice.
194
00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:12,543
- Really good?
- Really, very nice and good.
195
00:10:17,683 --> 00:10:20,174
- What about personality?
- Good personality.
196
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,523
Funny. Bright.
197
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,681
I don't want anyone
smarter than me.
198
00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:29,794
How could she
be smarter than you?
199
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:34,164
He's a really, really funny guy.
200
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:35,862
What does he look like?
201
00:10:36,035 --> 00:10:39,232
- Pardon?
- What does he look like?
202
00:10:40,439 --> 00:10:43,636
Well, he's got a lot of character
in his face.
203
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:46,869
He's short. He's stocky.
204
00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:48,308
He's fat.
205
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,312
Is that what you're saying,
that he's fat?
206
00:10:50,549 --> 00:10:51,982
Powerful.
207
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:57,987
He is so powerful. He can lift
100 pounds right up over his head.
208
00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:00,352
And, what else? What else?
209
00:11:00,526 --> 00:11:03,495
Oh, right, well...
210
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:07,827
He's, he's kind of...
Just kind of... Losing his hair.
211
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,491
- He's bald?
- No.
212
00:11:11,203 --> 00:11:14,138
No, no, no. He's not bald.
213
00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:16,297
He's balding.
214
00:11:16,475 --> 00:11:19,171
- So he will be bald?
- Yeah.
215
00:11:19,912 --> 00:11:22,005
Thick, lustrous hair
is important to me.
216
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,088
"Thick, lustrous hair
is important to me."
217
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:32,690
- Is that what you said?
- Right.
218
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:34,382
Just clarifying.
219
00:11:35,561 --> 00:11:37,552
Let me ask you this.
220
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:51,432
Do you want to get it out?
221
00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:54,204
Or do you want to not be able
to get it out?
222
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,774
- I'd like to be able to get it out.
- I think you'll get it out.
223
00:11:58,684 --> 00:12:00,083
What about the skin?
224
00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:02,083
I need a good cheek.
I like a good cheek.
225
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:04,451
She's got a fine cheek.
226
00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:06,953
Is there a pinkish hue?
227
00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:13,991
- A pinkish hue?
- Yes, a rosy glow.
228
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,828
There's a hue.
229
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:21,106
She's got great eyebrows.
Women kill to have her eyebrows.
230
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:25,205
Who cares about eyebrows?
231
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:27,779
Look at you.
232
00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:30,711
Why don't you do something
with your life?
233
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:34,979
You sit around here all day.
You contribute nothing to society!
234
00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:38,612
The alarm didn't go off.
You're gonna miss the plane, it's 9:15.
235
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:42,192
- 9:15?
- Yeah. It's 9:15!
236
00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:44,192
We'll never make it.
I'll leave tomorrow.
237
00:12:44,363 --> 00:12:47,230
Tomorrow? Are you crazy?
No. Now, now, let's go.
238
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:49,299
Let's go. You get dressed,
you get dressed.
239
00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:52,699
I mean, how can I be
with someone like you?
240
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:56,002
Wouldrt respect myself.
241
00:12:56,175 --> 00:12:57,403
Put your pants on.
242
00:12:57,576 --> 00:12:59,874
- I'll go tomorrow or the next day.
- You have your ticket.
243
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,706
- You have to go now.
- We'll never make it.
244
00:13:01,881 --> 00:13:05,476
- Don't say that.
- Well, it takes 45 minutes to get...
245
00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:09,121
It takes 45 minutes to get there.
That only leaves me five minutes...
246
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,483
...to get to the plane.
- Shut up and pack!
247
00:13:11,657 --> 00:13:13,716
I take it all back!
Every word!
248
00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:15,884
I love you!
249
00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:19,120
I love you!
250
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:21,357
It's not you. It's me.
251
00:13:22,168 --> 00:13:25,001
You're giving me
the "it's not you, it's me" routine?
252
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:31,135
I invented "it's not you, it's me."
Nobody tells me it's them, not me.
253
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:34,006
- Lf it's anybody, it's me.
- All right.
254
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:37,479
- George, it's you.
- You are damn right it's me.
255
00:13:38,050 --> 00:13:41,781
Elaine, you don't know the first thing
about first base.
256
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:46,484
Well, I know something
about getting to first base...
257
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,093
...and I know you'll never be there.
258
00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:51,821
The way I figure it,
I've already been there.
259
00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:55,023
And I plan on rounding second
tonight at around 11:00.
260
00:13:56,602 --> 00:14:00,436
Well, I'd watch the third-base coach
if I were you...
261
00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:03,598
...because I don't think
he's waving you in.
262
00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:07,670
I guess things changed for me
on Tuesday night.
263
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,509
Tuesday night?
What happened Tuesday night?
264
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:13,509
I saw your act.
265
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:16,853
My act? What does that
have to do with anything?
266
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:18,887
Well, to be honest...
267
00:14:19,058 --> 00:14:21,151
...it just didn't make it for me.
268
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,887
It's just so much fluff.
269
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:27,126
What are you saying?
You didn't like my act?
270
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:28,527
So that's it?
271
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:32,102
I can't be with someone
if I don't respect what they do.
272
00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:34,102
You're a cashier.
273
00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:36,138
You don't know my name, do you?
274
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:40,341
- Yes, I do.
- What is it?
275
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,747
It rhymes with a female body part.
276
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:45,850
What is it?
277
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:49,311
Mulva?
278
00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:54,090
- I think you're really sick.
- I'm not sick.
279
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:56,285
You said much sicker things
than me.
280
00:14:56,929 --> 00:14:58,157
I'm leaving.
281
00:14:58,330 --> 00:14:59,558
So where were we?
282
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,860
- I was just leaving.
- Right. You were leaving.
283
00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:05,868
I can't believe you sent a woman
into the sauna to do that?
284
00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:08,006
That was an accident.
285
00:15:08,173 --> 00:15:10,733
I think you're both mentally ill.
286
00:15:18,350 --> 00:15:23,185
And by the way, they're real
and they're spectacular.
287
00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:26,286
Why shouldn't we
be able to do that...
288
00:15:26,458 --> 00:15:28,517
...once in a while if we want to?
- I know.
289
00:15:28,694 --> 00:15:31,128
I mean, really, what is the big deal?
290
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:32,594
We go in there...
291
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:36,462
...we're in there for a while,
then we come back out here.
292
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:37,931
That's not complicated.
293
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:40,333
It's almost stupid if we didn't.
294
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:43,566
- It's moronic.
- Absurd.
295
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,439
Course...
296
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:52,448
...I guess maybe some little
problems could arise.
297
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,210
There are always a few.
298
00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:56,217
I mean, if anything happened...
299
00:15:56,388 --> 00:16:00,848
...and we couldn't be friends the way
we are now, that would really be bad.
300
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:05,258
- Devastating.
- Because this is very good.
301
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:09,333
And that would be good.
302
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:11,696
That would be good too.
303
00:16:12,438 --> 00:16:15,339
The idea is to combine the this...
304
00:16:15,507 --> 00:16:17,532
...and the that.
305
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:20,311
But this cannot be disturbed.
306
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:23,243
Yeah, we just want to take this...
307
00:16:23,415 --> 00:16:26,612
...and add that.
308
00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:32,149
But of course, we'd have
to figure out a way...
309
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:35,225
...to avoid the things that
cause the little problems.
310
00:16:35,394 --> 00:16:38,591
Maybe some rules or something.
311
00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:40,595
For example:
312
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:44,764
Now I call you whenever
I'm inclined, and vice versa.
313
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:48,373
But if we did that, we might feel...
314
00:16:48,540 --> 00:16:50,064
...a certain obligation to call.
315
00:16:50,876 --> 00:16:52,935
Well, why should that be?
316
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,772
I have an idea.
317
00:16:55,948 --> 00:17:00,078
No calls the day after that.
318
00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:01,549
Beautiful.
319
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:02,948
Let's make it a rule.
320
00:17:03,122 --> 00:17:04,817
All right, sir.
321
00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:10,493
- Now, here's another little rule.
- Yeah.
322
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,330
When we see each other now...
323
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:14,591
...we retire to our separate quarters.
324
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:18,100
But sometimes when people
get involved with that...
325
00:17:18,270 --> 00:17:20,500
...they feel pressure...
326
00:17:20,672 --> 00:17:23,436
...to sleep over.
327
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,372
When that...
328
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:27,239
...is not really sleep.
329
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:33,843
Sleep is separate from that,
and I don't see...
330
00:17:34,019 --> 00:17:39,787
...why sleep got all tied up
and connected...
331
00:17:39,958 --> 00:17:41,448
...with that.
332
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:47,565
Okay, okay, rule number two:
Spending the night is optional.
333
00:17:49,668 --> 00:17:52,102
Well, now we're getting somewhere.
334
00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:54,738
I slept with Elaine last night.
335
00:17:57,943 --> 00:18:01,970
- Oxygen. I need some oxygen.
- I thought you'd like that.
336
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:03,478
Oh, this is huge!
337
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:07,244
- I know.
- All right, okay. Let's go. Details.
338
00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:09,944
- No, I can't give details.
- No details?
339
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:12,986
I'm not in the mood.
340
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,986
You ask me here to have lunch...
341
00:18:17,162 --> 00:18:19,153
...tell me you slept with Elaine...
342
00:18:19,331 --> 00:18:22,494
...and then say you're not
in the mood for details.
343
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:25,193
Now, you listen to me.
344
00:18:25,370 --> 00:18:28,237
I want details,
and I want them right now.
345
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,840
I don't have a job,
I have no place to go.
346
00:18:31,009 --> 00:18:34,445
You're not in the mood?
Well, you get in the mood!
347
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,311
I was at the unemployment office.
348
00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:42,716
I told them I was very close to getting
a job with Vandelay Industries...
349
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:45,857
...and I gave them your phone number.
So when the phone rings...
350
00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:48,515
...you have to answer,
"Vandelay Industries."
351
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:50,924
- I'm Vandelay Industries?
- Right.
352
00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:53,326
- What is that?
- You're in latex.
353
00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:55,126
- Latex.
- Right.
354
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:58,131
- What do I do with latex?
- I don't know! You manufacture it!
355
00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:02,399
- Right here in this little apartment?
- And what do I say about you?
356
00:19:02,574 --> 00:19:04,974
You're considering hiring me
for your latex salesman.
357
00:19:05,410 --> 00:19:08,038
- I'll hire you as my latex salesman?
- Right.
358
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:10,875
I don't think so.
359
00:19:11,416 --> 00:19:15,216
Man, I'm telling you this pizza idea
is really gonna happen.
360
00:19:15,554 --> 00:19:18,523
This is the thing where you go and
you have to make your own pizza?
361
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:19,748
We give you the dough.
362
00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:23,326
You smash it. You pound it.
You fling it up in the air.
363
00:19:23,495 --> 00:19:26,293
And then you get to put your sauce
and sprinkle your cheese.
364
00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:29,730
And then,
you slide it into the oven.
365
00:19:30,602 --> 00:19:32,126
You have to know how to do that.
366
00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:36,104
You can't have people shoving
their arms into a 600-degree oven!
367
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:39,039
- It's all supervised.
- Oh, well...
368
00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:41,873
Tolstoy used to write
in the village square.
369
00:19:42,047 --> 00:19:43,708
The faces inspired him.
370
00:19:43,882 --> 00:19:47,283
Although, one wonders
if War and Peace would have been...
371
00:19:47,452 --> 00:19:51,252
...as highly acclaimed, had it been
published under it's original title...
372
00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:53,914
...War... What Is It Good For?
373
00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:55,958
- What?
- Yeah.
374
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,619
Mr. Lippman, it was his mistress
who insisted...
375
00:19:58,797 --> 00:20:01,459
...that he call it War and Peace.
- Elaine, Elaine.
376
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:02,998
War... What Is It Good For?
377
00:20:03,168 --> 00:20:05,432
Absolutely nothing
378
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:07,469
If I see her, what do I say
I'm doing here?
379
00:20:07,639 --> 00:20:09,470
To see me. I work in the building.
380
00:20:09,641 --> 00:20:11,404
What do you do?
381
00:20:11,677 --> 00:20:13,110
I'm an architect.
382
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,778
You're an architect?
383
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:17,609
I'm not?
384
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:23,017
I don't see architecture
coming from you.
385
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:26,988
We'll make our choice in a few days
and we'll let you know.
386
00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:30,256
- I have no chance, do I?
- No.
387
00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:34,227
You know I always wanted
to pretend I was an architect.
388
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:37,127
- What do you do?
- I'm an architect.
389
00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:40,428
Have you designed
any buildings in New York?
390
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:43,464
Have you seen the new addition
to the Guggeneim?
391
00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:46,170
- You did that?
- Yep, yep.
392
00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:48,438
Really didn't take very long either.
393
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:51,773
The beauty of my book is,
if you don't have a coffee table...
394
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:54,851
...it turns into a coffee table.
395
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:58,589
- Is that fabulous?
- Look at this.
396
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:01,758
What-delay Industries?
397
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,326
- No.
- Vandelay!
398
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:04,757
Say Vandelay!
399
00:21:05,030 --> 00:21:07,157
No, you're way, way, way off!
400
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:10,199
- No, say...
- Vandelay! Say...
401
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:11,836
Vandelay Industries!
402
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:15,068
No problem, no problem.
403
00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:27,778
And you want to be
my latex salesman.
404
00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:34,459
I think Superman probably has
a very good sense of humor.
405
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,325
I never heard him say anything funny.
406
00:21:37,496 --> 00:21:39,657
He's got super strength, super speed.
407
00:21:39,831 --> 00:21:41,628
I'm sure he's got super humor.
408
00:21:42,501 --> 00:21:45,698
Either you're born with humor,
or you're not. It's not gonna change.
409
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:47,862
Even if you go
from the red sun of Krypton...
410
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,201
...all the way to the yellow sun
of the Earth.
411
00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:54,112
Why? Why would that one area
of his mind...
412
00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:57,715
...not be affected
by the yellow sun of the Earth?
413
00:21:57,916 --> 00:21:59,975
I don't know. But he ain't funny.
414
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:02,677
- What's today?
- It's Thursday.
415
00:22:02,854 --> 00:22:04,344
Really?
416
00:22:04,523 --> 00:22:06,650
It feels like Tuesday.
417
00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:09,259
Tuesday has no feel.
418
00:22:09,428 --> 00:22:11,362
Monday has a feel.
419
00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:13,426
Friday has a feel.
420
00:22:13,598 --> 00:22:14,826
Sunday has a feel.
421
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,060
- I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.
- Shut up, the both of you.
422
00:22:18,236 --> 00:22:19,567
You double dipped the chip.
423
00:22:19,738 --> 00:22:22,002
Double dipped?
What are you talking about?
424
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:25,439
You dipped the chip.
You took a bite...
425
00:22:25,610 --> 00:22:27,737
...and you dipped again.
426
00:22:29,214 --> 00:22:31,444
- So?
- It's like putting your whole mouth...
427
00:22:31,616 --> 00:22:33,641
...right in the dip.
428
00:22:34,152 --> 00:22:40,557
From now on, when you take a chip
just take one dip and end it.
429
00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:42,384
Could I offer you
something to drink?
430
00:22:42,561 --> 00:22:47,260
Okay, yeah. I'll have a...
Do you have a decaf cappuccino?
431
00:22:49,267 --> 00:22:51,599
I don't think we have that.
432
00:22:51,937 --> 00:22:53,905
Well, that's a little strange.
433
00:22:54,439 --> 00:22:59,376
- Why does that surprise you?
- Well, it's a very popular drink.
434
00:23:00,278 --> 00:23:03,543
- This is an office.
- That's true.
435
00:23:03,915 --> 00:23:06,076
Magellan? You like Magellan?
436
00:23:06,251 --> 00:23:09,743
Oh, yeah. My favorite explorer.
Around the world. Come on.
437
00:23:10,021 --> 00:23:13,115
- Who do you like?
- I like de Soto.
438
00:23:13,458 --> 00:23:15,892
- De Soto? What did he do?
- Discovered the Mississippi.
439
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:18,325
Oh, like they wouldn't have found
that anyway.
440
00:23:18,530 --> 00:23:21,090
I was talking to this guy,
and I just happened to throw...
441
00:23:21,266 --> 00:23:22,494
...my purse on the sofa.
442
00:23:22,667 --> 00:23:26,501
And my diaphragm goes flying out.
443
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:32,070
So I just froze, you know:
444
00:23:32,277 --> 00:23:35,041
Staring at my diaphragm, you know?
It's just lying there.
445
00:23:35,213 --> 00:23:37,238
So this woman who sold me
this hair thing...
446
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,941
...she grabbed it before
the guy noticed, so, I mean...
447
00:23:40,118 --> 00:23:42,313
...big deal, right?
448
00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:45,251
So I carry around my diaphragm.
Who doesn't?
449
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:47,517
I mean, like, it's a big, big secret...
450
00:23:47,692 --> 00:23:50,991
...that women carry around
their diaphragms.
451
00:23:51,163 --> 00:23:52,994
You never know when
you're gonna need it.
452
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:01,269
I hate Keith Hernandez.
453
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:04,273
- Hate him!
- I despise him.
454
00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:06,411
- Why?
- Why? I'll tell you why.
455
00:24:06,578 --> 00:24:07,909
- Let me tell her.
- You can't...
456
00:24:08,079 --> 00:24:09,808
- You always tell it.
- All right, tell it.
457
00:24:09,981 --> 00:24:12,279
- You just tell it.
- All right.
458
00:24:13,618 --> 00:24:17,110
June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies.
459
00:24:17,355 --> 00:24:20,552
We're enjoying a beautiful afternoon
in the right-field stands...
460
00:24:20,725 --> 00:24:23,159
...when a crucial Hernandez error
opens the door...
461
00:24:23,328 --> 00:24:26,195
...to a five-run Phillies ninth.
Cost the Mets the game!
462
00:24:26,364 --> 00:24:29,333
Our day was ruined.
463
00:24:29,568 --> 00:24:32,628
There was a lot of people waiting
by the players' parking lot.
464
00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:34,294
Now we're coming down the ramp.
465
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,270
Newman was in front of me.
466
00:24:36,441 --> 00:24:38,534
Hernandez was coming toward us.
467
00:24:38,710 --> 00:24:44,171
As he passes us, Newman turns
and says, "Nice game, pretty boy."
468
00:24:46,451 --> 00:24:48,817
Hernandez continued past us
up the ramp.
469
00:24:48,987 --> 00:24:51,979
Then, a second later,
something happened...
470
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:56,116
...that changed us in a very deep
and profound way...
471
00:24:56,294 --> 00:24:58,057
...from that day forward.
472
00:24:58,396 --> 00:24:59,863
- What was it?
- He spit on us!
473
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:05,234
And I screamed out, "I'm hit!"
474
00:25:06,771 --> 00:25:11,367
Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted
off him, and it hit me.
475
00:25:14,279 --> 00:25:15,837
What a story.
476
00:25:16,014 --> 00:25:18,812
Unfortunately, the immutable laws
of physics contradict...
477
00:25:18,984 --> 00:25:21,452
...the whole premise of your account.
478
00:25:21,620 --> 00:25:24,282
Allow me to reconstruct this,
if I may, for Ms. Benes...
479
00:25:24,456 --> 00:25:27,050
...as I've heard this story
a number of times.
480
00:25:27,225 --> 00:25:30,388
Newman, Kramer,
if you'll indulge me.
481
00:25:30,862 --> 00:25:32,727
According to your story...
482
00:25:32,898 --> 00:25:35,890
...Hernandez passes you
and starts walking up the ramp.
483
00:25:36,301 --> 00:25:38,394
Then you say you were struck...
484
00:25:38,970 --> 00:25:40,904
...on the right temple.
485
00:25:41,673 --> 00:25:44,506
The spit then proceeds to ricochet...
486
00:25:44,676 --> 00:25:48,737
...off the temple, striking Newman
between the third and the forth rib.
487
00:25:51,449 --> 00:25:53,212
The spit then came off the rib...
488
00:25:53,385 --> 00:25:56,718
...made a right turn,
hitting Newman in the right wrist...
489
00:25:58,356 --> 00:26:00,722
...causing him to drop
his baseball cap.
490
00:26:02,761 --> 00:26:05,958
The spit then splashed off the wrist,
pauses...
491
00:26:06,131 --> 00:26:08,122
...in midair, mind you...
492
00:26:09,534 --> 00:26:14,301
...makes a left turn and lands
on Newmars left thigh.
493
00:26:16,207 --> 00:26:19,802
That is one magic loogie.
494
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:31,988
Story is the foundation
of all entertainment.
495
00:26:32,157 --> 00:26:34,523
And people really have
to care about the characters.
496
00:26:34,693 --> 00:26:36,558
Care? Forget about care. Love.
497
00:26:36,728 --> 00:26:38,286
They have to love them.
498
00:26:38,463 --> 00:26:40,431
Now, get the hell out of my house.
499
00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:44,035
Quiet! You shut up!
500
00:26:44,202 --> 00:26:46,670
At this moment, you're banned
from the store. Banned!
501
00:26:46,838 --> 00:26:49,705
It's a pizza the moment
you put your fists in the dough.
502
00:26:51,409 --> 00:26:53,741
I have a hair on my tongue.
503
00:26:53,912 --> 00:26:55,345
Can't get it off.
504
00:26:55,513 --> 00:26:57,105
You know how much I hate that?
505
00:26:57,282 --> 00:26:59,648
Soup's not a meal.
You're supposed to buy me a meal.
506
00:26:59,818 --> 00:27:02,048
Yeah. Just keep out
of my business, you big ape.
507
00:27:02,220 --> 00:27:04,120
Who you calling "big ape"?
508
00:27:04,289 --> 00:27:06,519
I'm calling you an ape.
509
00:27:06,691 --> 00:27:09,455
All right, break it up.
Come on, you two.
510
00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:11,220
Just cut it out now.
511
00:27:11,396 --> 00:27:14,661
But you put on a pair of shoes
in the New York Public Library, fella.
512
00:27:15,033 --> 00:27:17,661
We had a funny guy with us in Korea.
513
00:27:17,836 --> 00:27:19,770
A tail gunner.
514
00:27:19,938 --> 00:27:22,873
They blew his brains out
all over the Pacific.
515
00:27:26,311 --> 00:27:28,472
There's nothing funny about that.
516
00:27:28,647 --> 00:27:32,913
We will annex Poland by the spring
at any cost!
517
00:27:33,084 --> 00:27:36,850
And our stock will rise high.
518
00:27:39,424 --> 00:27:41,824
You think you're an idiot,
but with all due respect...
519
00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:43,824
...I'm a much bigger idiot
than you are.
520
00:27:43,995 --> 00:27:46,793
Don't insult me, my friend.
Remember who you're talking to.
521
00:27:46,965 --> 00:27:48,523
No one's a bigger idiot than me.
522
00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:50,395
Am I a hipster doofus?
523
00:27:50,568 --> 00:27:52,195
- No.
- No.
524
00:27:52,370 --> 00:27:53,894
Said I'm not good-Iooking enough.
525
00:27:54,072 --> 00:27:57,667
Not good-Iooking.
Jerry, look at me. Look at my face.
526
00:27:57,842 --> 00:28:00,902
Am I beautiful?
George, am I beautiful?
527
00:28:04,783 --> 00:28:06,614
- You're very attractive.
- Yeah.
528
00:28:06,785 --> 00:28:09,515
Is it possible I'm not as attractive
as I think I am?
529
00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:10,950
We're not gay.
530
00:28:11,122 --> 00:28:12,521
Not that there's
anything wrong with that.
531
00:28:12,691 --> 00:28:15,091
- No, of course not.
- It's fine, if that's who you are.
532
00:28:15,260 --> 00:28:17,251
- Absolutely.
- I mean, I have many gay friends.
533
00:28:17,429 --> 00:28:19,693
- My father's gay.
- Look...
534
00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:21,161
...I know what I heard.
535
00:28:21,332 --> 00:28:23,960
- Heard. It was a joke.
- Look, you wanna have sex right now?
536
00:28:24,135 --> 00:28:26,899
Do you wanna have sex
with me right now? Let's go.
537
00:28:28,807 --> 00:28:32,208
Come on! Let's go, baby! Come on!
538
00:28:33,411 --> 00:28:37,108
Hey, come on. Let's go.
I thought we were gonna take a steam.
539
00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:41,117
- No, I don't want any steam.
- No. No steam.
540
00:28:41,286 --> 00:28:43,481
Well, I don't wanna
sit there naked all by myself.
541
00:28:43,655 --> 00:28:45,782
- You've faked?
- On occasion.
542
00:28:45,957 --> 00:28:48,084
- And the guy never knows?
- No.
543
00:28:48,259 --> 00:28:50,284
How can he not know that?
544
00:28:50,462 --> 00:28:52,862
Because I was good.
545
00:28:53,631 --> 00:28:57,328
I guess after that many beers,
he's probably a little groggy anyway.
546
00:28:59,537 --> 00:29:02,870
Well, you didn't know.
547
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:06,973
What's that?
548
00:29:07,145 --> 00:29:09,409
You didn't know.
549
00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:13,483
- Are you saying...?
- I think I'll have a piece of cake.
550
00:29:13,651 --> 00:29:15,118
- With me?
- Well...
551
00:29:15,286 --> 00:29:17,117
- You faked with me?
- Yeah.
552
00:29:17,288 --> 00:29:18,812
- You faked with me?
- Yes.
553
00:29:18,990 --> 00:29:21,390
- No. You faked it?
- Yes. I faked it.
554
00:29:21,559 --> 00:29:24,255
That whole thing, the whole
production, it was all an act?
555
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:26,924
Not bad, huh?
556
00:29:27,098 --> 00:29:30,158
What about the breathing, the panting,
the moaning, the screaming?
557
00:29:30,335 --> 00:29:33,327
Fake, fake, fake, fake.
558
00:29:33,505 --> 00:29:35,803
I'm disturbed. I'm depressed.
559
00:29:35,974 --> 00:29:39,603
I'm inadequate. I got it all!
560
00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:41,905
Can't you see what's happened?
561
00:29:42,514 --> 00:29:44,641
I've become George.
562
00:29:44,816 --> 00:29:46,306
Don't say that.
563
00:29:46,484 --> 00:29:49,817
It's true. I'm George.
564
00:29:49,988 --> 00:29:51,512
I'm George.
565
00:29:51,689 --> 00:29:53,122
Tuna on toast, coleslaw...
566
00:29:53,291 --> 00:29:55,259
...cup of coffee.
- Yeah.
567
00:29:55,426 --> 00:29:58,520
No, no, wait a minute.
I always have tuna on toast.
568
00:29:58,696 --> 00:30:01,631
Nothing's every worked out for me
with tuna on toast.
569
00:30:02,300 --> 00:30:04,530
I want the complete opposite
of tuna on toast.
570
00:30:05,236 --> 00:30:07,670
Chicken salad on rye...
571
00:30:07,839 --> 00:30:11,832
...untoasted, with a side
of potato salad...
572
00:30:12,010 --> 00:30:13,705
...and a cup of tea.
573
00:30:13,878 --> 00:30:17,541
Well, there's no telling
what can happen from this.
574
00:30:17,715 --> 00:30:19,342
Chicken salad's
not the opposite of tuna.
575
00:30:19,517 --> 00:30:21,849
Salmors the opposite of tuna
because salmon swim...
576
00:30:22,020 --> 00:30:25,581
...against the current,
and the tuna swim with it.
577
00:30:27,025 --> 00:30:28,993
Good for the tuna.
578
00:30:31,262 --> 00:30:34,754
George, you know that woman
just looked at you.
579
00:30:35,567 --> 00:30:37,398
So what?
What am I supposed to do?
580
00:30:37,569 --> 00:30:39,196
Go talk to her.
581
00:30:39,370 --> 00:30:43,170
Elaine, bald men with no jobs
and no money...
582
00:30:43,341 --> 00:30:45,809
...who live with their parents...
583
00:30:46,177 --> 00:30:48,577
...don't approach strange women.
584
00:30:49,547 --> 00:30:51,481
Try the opposite.
Instead of tuna salad...
585
00:30:51,649 --> 00:30:54,140
...and being intimidated by women,
chicken salad...
586
00:30:54,319 --> 00:30:58,255
...and going right up to them.
- Yeah, I should do the opposite.
587
00:30:58,423 --> 00:31:00,152
If every instinct you have is wrong...
588
00:31:00,325 --> 00:31:03,294
...then the opposite
would have to be right.
589
00:31:06,030 --> 00:31:07,520
Yes.
590
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:09,564
I will do the opposite.
591
00:31:09,767 --> 00:31:13,066
I used to sit here and do nothing
and regret it for the rest of the day.
592
00:31:13,238 --> 00:31:17,174
So now I will do the opposite,
and I will do something.
593
00:31:23,581 --> 00:31:26,573
Excuse me.
I couldn't help but notice that...
594
00:31:26,751 --> 00:31:29,618
...you were looking in my direction.
- Oh, yes, I was.
595
00:31:29,787 --> 00:31:32,381
You just ordered
the same exact lunch as me.
596
00:31:34,025 --> 00:31:35,686
My name is George.
597
00:31:35,860 --> 00:31:39,091
I'm unemployed,
and I live with my parents.
598
00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:44,901
I'm Victoria. Hi.
599
00:31:49,507 --> 00:31:51,805
Catch phrases
600
00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:54,603
Boy, these pretzels
are making me thirsty.
601
00:31:54,779 --> 00:31:57,179
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
602
00:31:57,348 --> 00:31:59,509
These pretzels...
603
00:32:00,318 --> 00:32:02,115
...are making me thirsty!
604
00:32:02,287 --> 00:32:04,949
Boy, I'm really starting to
dislike the Drake.
605
00:32:05,123 --> 00:32:06,112
Hate the Drake!
606
00:32:08,026 --> 00:32:09,789
You are so good-Iooking.
607
00:32:09,961 --> 00:32:12,088
You can't believe her.
She's one of these low-talkers.
608
00:32:12,263 --> 00:32:13,594
Because he's a high talker.
609
00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:15,255
He's nice. Bit of a close talker.
610
00:32:15,433 --> 00:32:17,162
How about you, Jerry?
611
00:32:17,702 --> 00:32:18,964
I'm swamped.
612
00:32:19,137 --> 00:32:22,595
You sure? You can examine
the artwork up close.
613
00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:24,708
I don't have a square to spare.
614
00:32:24,876 --> 00:32:26,639
I can't spare a square.
615
00:32:26,811 --> 00:32:28,608
I need hand! I have no hand!
616
00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:30,145
- Newman.
- Newman.
617
00:32:30,315 --> 00:32:34,012
- Newman.
- Hello, Newman.
618
00:32:34,185 --> 00:32:35,743
So you're still master
of your domain.
619
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:38,548
Yes. Master of my domain.
620
00:32:38,723 --> 00:32:40,714
I am king of the county.
621
00:32:40,892 --> 00:32:42,291
Lord of the manor.
622
00:32:42,460 --> 00:32:44,826
I'm queen of the castle.
623
00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:48,656
- You mean shrinkage.
- Yes.
624
00:32:49,901 --> 00:32:51,459
Significant shrinkage.
625
00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:53,467
So you feel you were shortchanged?
626
00:32:53,638 --> 00:32:55,162
Yes.
627
00:32:55,340 --> 00:32:58,070
If she thinks that's me, she's under
a complete misapprehension.
628
00:32:58,242 --> 00:33:00,073
Well, so, what's the difference?
629
00:33:00,244 --> 00:33:03,702
- What if she discusses it with Jane?
- Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
630
00:33:03,881 --> 00:33:05,849
Could you tell her about
the shrinkage factor?
631
00:33:06,017 --> 00:33:07,814
I'm not gonna tell her
about your shrinkage.
632
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:10,887
Besides, I think women know
about shrinkage.
633
00:33:11,055 --> 00:33:12,682
How do women know
about shrinkage?
634
00:33:12,857 --> 00:33:14,848
Isn't it common knowledge?
635
00:33:15,026 --> 00:33:16,288
- Elaine.
- Elaine.
636
00:33:16,461 --> 00:33:18,929
Elaine!
637
00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:23,195
- What?
- Do women know about shrinkage?
638
00:33:23,368 --> 00:33:24,892
What do you mean, like laundry?
639
00:33:25,903 --> 00:33:26,892
No.
640
00:33:27,071 --> 00:33:31,201
Like when a man goes swimming,
afterwards...
641
00:33:33,111 --> 00:33:35,204
It shrinks?
642
00:33:37,081 --> 00:33:39,549
Like a frightened turtle.
643
00:33:44,989 --> 00:33:48,516
- Why does it shrink?
- It just does.
644
00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:53,054
I don't know how you guys
walk around with those things.
645
00:33:57,969 --> 00:33:59,436
- About the script.
646
00:33:59,604 --> 00:34:03,131
The script. Now, I've read
this thing three times.
647
00:34:03,307 --> 00:34:04,467
Yeah.
648
00:34:05,676 --> 00:34:07,735
And every time I read it...
649
00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:12,610
What?
650
00:34:14,285 --> 00:34:16,549
- Excuse me for a second.
- What?
651
00:34:16,721 --> 00:34:20,179
Would you like a Pepto-Bismol?
I keep them in my wallet.
652
00:34:21,092 --> 00:34:23,492
You think he liked it?
653
00:34:27,965 --> 00:34:30,058
I'm not sure.
654
00:35:17,115 --> 00:35:18,673
The air conditioner!
655
00:35:35,666 --> 00:35:37,156
My mother caught me.
656
00:35:37,902 --> 00:35:39,460
Caught you? Doing what?
657
00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:41,832
You know.
658
00:35:44,408 --> 00:35:46,842
I was alone...
659
00:35:47,845 --> 00:35:49,642
You mean...?
660
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:52,840
- She caught you?
- Where?
661
00:35:53,017 --> 00:35:55,349
I stopped by the house
to drop the car off...
662
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:57,613
...and I went inside
for a few minutes.
663
00:35:57,788 --> 00:35:59,915
Nobody was there.
They're supposed to be working.
664
00:36:00,892 --> 00:36:04,851
My mother had a Glamour magazine.
I started leafing through it.
665
00:36:05,530 --> 00:36:07,157
Glamour?
666
00:36:07,331 --> 00:36:11,392
- So one thing led to another.
- What did she do?
667
00:36:11,569 --> 00:36:15,437
First she screams, "George,
what are you doing? My God!"
668
00:36:16,507 --> 00:36:17,974
Looked like she was gonna faint.
669
00:36:18,142 --> 00:36:20,940
She started clutching the wall,
trying to hang onto it.
670
00:36:21,112 --> 00:36:24,172
I didn't know whether to keep her
from falling or zip up.
671
00:36:24,949 --> 00:36:27,247
- What did you do?
- I zipped up.
672
00:36:27,818 --> 00:36:29,285
- So she fell?
- Yeah.
673
00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,182
Well, I couldn't run over there
the way I was.
674
00:36:32,356 --> 00:36:35,120
- No, I guess you couldn't.
- I wouldn't think so.
675
00:36:35,293 --> 00:36:39,195
So she fell, and then she starts
screaming, "My back, my back!"
676
00:36:39,363 --> 00:36:41,456
I picked her up.
I took her to the hospital.
677
00:36:42,567 --> 00:36:44,535
- How is she?
- She's in traction.
678
00:36:44,702 --> 00:36:46,499
- I'm sorry.
- It's not funny, Elaine.
679
00:36:46,671 --> 00:36:49,765
I know. I'm sorry. It's serious.
680
00:36:49,941 --> 00:36:52,501
Her back went out. She's gotta
be there for a couple days.
681
00:36:52,677 --> 00:36:55,168
Glamour?
682
00:36:56,013 --> 00:36:57,275
I'll tell you this, though:
683
00:36:57,448 --> 00:36:59,416
I am never doing...
684
00:36:59,584 --> 00:37:01,381
...that again.
685
00:37:01,552 --> 00:37:04,077
What? You mean in your mother's
house or altogether?
686
00:37:04,255 --> 00:37:06,621
- Altogether.
- Give me a break.
687
00:37:06,791 --> 00:37:08,918
Yeah, right.
688
00:37:09,093 --> 00:37:11,561
- You don't think I can?
- No chance.
689
00:37:12,196 --> 00:37:16,257
- You think you could?
- I could hold out longer than you.
690
00:37:16,801 --> 00:37:18,735
Care to make it interesting?
691
00:37:19,971 --> 00:37:21,268
Sure. How much?
692
00:37:21,672 --> 00:37:22,661
Hundred dollars?
693
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:24,029
You're on.
694
00:37:24,208 --> 00:37:27,644
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Count me in on this.
695
00:37:27,812 --> 00:37:31,111
You? You'll be out before we
get the check.
696
00:37:33,017 --> 00:37:34,541
I want in on this.
697
00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:37,950
- No, no.
- It's apples and oranges.
698
00:37:38,122 --> 00:37:39,384
- It's different.
- Why? Why?
699
00:37:39,557 --> 00:37:41,616
- Because you're a woman.
- So what?
700
00:37:41,792 --> 00:37:45,353
It's easier for a woman not to do it
than a man. We have to do it.
701
00:37:45,529 --> 00:37:48,430
It's part of our lifestyle.
702
00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:50,991
It's like shaving.
703
00:37:51,168 --> 00:37:54,296
That is such baloney.
I shave my legs.
704
00:37:54,472 --> 00:37:57,236
Not every day.
705
00:37:58,175 --> 00:37:59,437
- You wanna be in?
- Yeah.
706
00:37:59,610 --> 00:38:02,807
You gotta give us odds.
At least 2-1. You gotta put up $200.
707
00:38:02,980 --> 00:38:05,210
No. A thousand.
708
00:38:05,383 --> 00:38:07,874
No. I'll put up 150.
709
00:38:08,052 --> 00:38:10,953
- All right. You're in for 150.
- Okay, 150.
710
00:38:11,122 --> 00:38:12,589
How we gonna monitor this?
711
00:38:12,757 --> 00:38:15,385
Obviously, we all know each
other very well.
712
00:38:15,559 --> 00:38:20,895
I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable within
the confines of the honor system.
713
00:38:22,366 --> 00:38:24,391
All right. Come on.
714
00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:31,130
Fire!
715
00:38:37,114 --> 00:38:40,675
We have sacrificed everything,
all for the sake of our little...
716
00:38:41,185 --> 00:38:43,676
...bubble boy.
717
00:38:43,854 --> 00:38:46,846
- Excuse me.
- Oh, here.
718
00:38:51,395 --> 00:38:53,590
Amazing how many
beautiful women live in New York.
719
00:38:53,764 --> 00:38:57,825
You're as pretty as any of them.
Just need a nose job.
720
00:39:02,273 --> 00:39:05,731
Yankee bean. Yankee bean.
721
00:39:06,143 --> 00:39:12,378
I like my Yankee bean.
722
00:39:13,084 --> 00:39:16,781
In fact, I hate anyone that ever had
a pony when they were growing up.
723
00:39:16,954 --> 00:39:18,581
I had a pony.
724
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:22,822
Well, I didn't...
725
00:39:22,993 --> 00:39:25,791
When I was a little girl in Poland...
726
00:39:25,963 --> 00:39:28,295
...we all had ponies.
727
00:39:28,466 --> 00:39:30,229
My sister had pony.
728
00:39:30,401 --> 00:39:32,266
My cousin had pony.
729
00:39:32,436 --> 00:39:35,030
- So, what's wrong with that?
- Nothing, nothing at all.
730
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:38,733
He was a beautiful pony,
and I loved him.
731
00:39:38,909 --> 00:39:41,810
Well, I'm sure you did.
Who wouldn't love a pony?
732
00:39:41,979 --> 00:39:44,641
Who wouldn't love a person
that had a pony?
733
00:39:44,815 --> 00:39:47,079
You. You said so.
734
00:39:47,251 --> 00:39:48,809
It's my father's cabin!
735
00:39:50,254 --> 00:39:54,452
I just realized, you never gave
me back the change from the tolls.
736
00:39:54,625 --> 00:39:56,786
So you heard that
I was in a car accident...
737
00:39:56,961 --> 00:40:00,522
...and then decided to stop off
for some Jujyfruit?
738
00:40:01,899 --> 00:40:03,696
Well...
739
00:40:04,268 --> 00:40:06,759
...the counter was right there.
740
00:40:06,937 --> 00:40:09,497
I didn't know she had a pony.
741
00:40:10,374 --> 00:40:12,740
Who figures an immigrant
is gonna have a pony?
742
00:40:14,912 --> 00:40:17,904
I mean, in all the pictures I saw
of immigrants on boats...
743
00:40:18,082 --> 00:40:19,879
...coming into New York Harbor...
744
00:40:20,050 --> 00:40:22,280
...I never saw one of them
sitting on a pony.
745
00:40:24,588 --> 00:40:27,614
But why would anyone come here
if they had a pony?
746
00:40:27,792 --> 00:40:31,421
Who leaves a country packed with
ponies to go to a non-pony country?
747
00:40:32,463 --> 00:40:35,091
It doesn't make sense.
748
00:40:35,433 --> 00:40:38,300
Now we'll open
the peritoneal cavity...
749
00:40:38,469 --> 00:40:41,905
...exposing the body's
internal organs.
750
00:40:42,740 --> 00:40:45,903
- What are you eating?
- Junior Mints.
751
00:40:46,544 --> 00:40:48,409
- You want one?
- No.
752
00:40:48,579 --> 00:40:51,275
Now, I can't see.
753
00:40:55,386 --> 00:40:57,286
Could you get...?
754
00:41:02,693 --> 00:41:04,183
Where'd you get those?
755
00:41:04,361 --> 00:41:05,828
- The machine. You want one?
- No.
756
00:41:05,996 --> 00:41:07,759
- Here. Take one.
- I don't want one.
757
00:41:07,932 --> 00:41:09,365
- They're good.
- I don't want any.
758
00:41:09,533 --> 00:41:12,866
- Just take one.
- No. Stop... Kramer, stop it.
759
00:41:17,441 --> 00:41:19,875
It's a Junior Mint.
760
00:41:20,044 --> 00:41:21,204
Drake's Coffee Cake?
761
00:41:21,378 --> 00:41:22,811
- Snapple?
- No, thanks.
762
00:41:22,980 --> 00:41:24,709
- Snapple?
- No, thanks.
763
00:41:24,882 --> 00:41:25,906
- PEZ?
- No.
764
00:41:26,083 --> 00:41:27,311
A box of Jujyfruits?
765
00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,385
- Clark Bar.
- I love Yoo-hoo.
766
00:41:29,553 --> 00:41:31,714
- Oh, Chunkys.
- Chocolate babka.
767
00:41:31,889 --> 00:41:32,719
It's Gore-Tex.
768
00:41:32,890 --> 00:41:35,051
- Cashmere?
- No, Gore-Tex.
769
00:41:35,226 --> 00:41:37,490
Who's gonna turn down
a Junior Mint?
770
00:41:37,828 --> 00:41:40,626
It's chocolate, it's peppermint.
It's delicious.
771
00:41:40,798 --> 00:41:43,323
- That's true.
- It's very refreshing.
772
00:41:44,134 --> 00:41:45,396
What's going on over here?
773
00:41:45,569 --> 00:41:47,161
There's a beached whale.
She's dying.
774
00:41:47,338 --> 00:41:49,932
Is anyone here a marine biologist?
775
00:41:55,579 --> 00:41:57,638
The sea was angry that day,
my friends.
776
00:42:00,951 --> 00:42:03,920
Like an old man trying
to send back soup in a deli.
777
00:42:10,461 --> 00:42:13,055
I got about 50 feet out,
when suddenly...
778
00:42:13,230 --> 00:42:16,222
...the great beast
appeared before me.
779
00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:19,528
I tell you, he was 10 stories high
if he was a foot.
780
00:42:20,304 --> 00:42:23,398
As if sensing my presence,
he let out a great bellow.
781
00:42:23,574 --> 00:42:25,633
I said, "Easy, big fella."
782
00:42:27,444 --> 00:42:30,811
And then, as I watched
him struggling, I realized...
783
00:42:30,981 --> 00:42:33,211
...that something was obstructing
its breathing.
784
00:42:33,384 --> 00:42:36,581
From where I was standing, I could
see into the eye of the great fish.
785
00:42:36,754 --> 00:42:39,086
- Mammal.
- Whatever.
786
00:42:39,990 --> 00:42:41,855
- What did you do next?
- Well, then...
787
00:42:42,026 --> 00:42:44,961
...from out of nowhere,
a huge tidal wave lifted me...
788
00:42:45,129 --> 00:42:48,121
...tossed me like a cork,
and I found myself on top of him...
789
00:42:48,299 --> 00:42:49,891
...face to face with the blowhole.
790
00:42:50,601 --> 00:42:53,434
I could barely see from the waves
crashing down upon me...
791
00:42:53,604 --> 00:42:56,630
...but I knew something was there.
792
00:42:56,807 --> 00:42:58,399
So I reached my hand in...
793
00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:01,943
...felt around, and pulled out
the obstruction.
794
00:43:22,466 --> 00:43:25,299
What is that, a Titleist?
795
00:43:28,005 --> 00:43:29,973
A hole in one, huh?
796
00:43:31,542 --> 00:43:34,602
We go into NBC, tell them we got
an idea for a show about nothing.
797
00:43:34,778 --> 00:43:36,405
- Exactly.
- "What's your show about?"
798
00:43:36,580 --> 00:43:38,639
- I say, "Nothing."
- There you go.
799
00:43:39,283 --> 00:43:41,114
I think you may have something here.
800
00:44:13,951 --> 00:44:17,648
Why don't you two go to the movies
by yourselves. I'm not in the mood.
801
00:44:17,821 --> 00:44:19,982
Well, me either.
I'm going to Sky Burger.
802
00:44:20,758 --> 00:44:23,249
- So you're not going?
- You don't need us.
803
00:44:23,427 --> 00:44:25,861
Well, I can't go to a bad movie
by myself.
804
00:44:26,030 --> 00:44:29,796
What, am I gonna make
sarcastic remarks to strangers?
805
00:44:29,967 --> 00:44:32,367
I guess I'll just go to my uncle's.
806
00:44:32,536 --> 00:44:36,233
- Should we tell him we're leaving?
- What for? Let's just get out of here.
807
00:44:42,513 --> 00:44:45,004
Seinfeld, four!
808
00:44:46,004 --> 00:44:56,004
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