All language subtitles for Sanford and Son - 02x22 - Pot Luck.DVDRip.Addic7ed.com.srt (English)

Hey, what's the matter with you?
Can't you drive yet?

You almost wrecked
my washing machine.

Get them plants there
and bring 'em in the house.

Hey, Pop,
where'd you get these plants?

I bought 'em off a guy
who was goin' out of business.

- You like 'em?
- Not particularly.

See, now people can't say,
"Sanford and Son ain't got a pot. "

'Cause now we got two of'em.

Don't tell me you're going into
the flower-raising business...

because the only thing that'll
grow around here is poison ivy.

See? That show you
how much you know.

Go ahead.
Touch that plant.

Why, is it poison ivy?

No, dummy, it's plastic.

The guy that sold it to me...

said that it'd pick up the smell
of whatever's around.

If it picks up the smell of this place,
it's gonna be some flower.

Well, I'm gonna keep 'em
in the kitchen.

See, I think you'd rather have a flower
that smelled like a pork chop...

than a chrysan... chrys...

You know, that big flower
they have at the football game.

Come on.

So that's what you did all day?

You bought two plastic plants.

No, that's not all I did.

I did some coordinatin'.
Then I defrosted the refrigerator.

Then I killed all the flies
in the kitchen.

And what did you do
that was so great?

Well, I'm glad you asked me, Pop,
because this is what separates...

the little businessman
from the big businessman...

the lamb from the wolf
and the cow from the bull.

Okay. Then let's cut out
the bull and tell me.

All right. While you was here
coordinatin' and killin' flies...

I went out there and bought,
for a measly 20 bucks...

the most fantastic piece
of cabinetmaking...

ever came into this yard.

- You did? Well, where is it?
- Just come with me, Pop.

- Don't push on me.
- I just want you to come this way.

I be lookin' good.

Now, sit over here, Pop,
and close your eyes.

- What is this, some kind of joke?
- It's no joke.

Just close your eyes.
Okay, now keep 'em closed.

I'm a-keepin' 'em closed.

- Don't open 'em.
- I ain't gonna open 'em.

Okay, Pop.
Now you can look.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.
Only one thing.

What is it?

It's a commode.

A who?

A commode. You do know
what a commode is, don't you?

Yeah, that's a Japanese bathrobe.

That's kimono. This is a commode,
and it's from the early 1800s, Pop.

I checked it out.

And you paid 20 bucks for it?

Yeah, plus a couple of balloons for this
lady's kids that I bought it off of.

- White woman?
- Yeah.

- Ugly?
- Yeah.

Naturally.

Look, see, and they try
to make such a big deal...

out of furniture that's over
a hundred years old.

That's the only kind of stuff
we got around here.

This chick didn't know what it was.
She thought it was terrible.

She didn't want it...

'cause it didn't fit in
with the rest of her furniture.

How'd you know what it was?

I stopped off
at this antique shop...

and the guy gave me
all the information on it.

You know what we could get
for this at an auction?

Between three
and four hundred dollars.

- You kiddin' me.
- No, I'm not. Just look at it.

Now, look at that quality.
Look at that finish.

Look underneath
where it says, "Made in Japan. "

Would you stop it. Now, I described this
to the guy at the antique shop.

He said that it sounded like
real English Regency.

So, it's a nice piece of furniture,
but what's it for?

"What's it for"? I already told you.
It's a commode.

Here, look, Pop.
You ready?

It's a chamber pot.

Of course it's a chamber pot.

What do you expect a commode
to have in it, a derby?

That's the whole point.

This was an important part
of the furnishings back then.

It was the only sanitation system
that they had.

But... ain't no chain.

Of course there's no chain.
That wasn't invented yet.

The modern toilet didn't come
on the scene until much later.

Now, you told me yourself that
we didn't have a toilet until 1935.

No, 1934.

I bought one to celebrate
gettin' a job on the WPA.

Well, back in the 1800s...
in the early 1800s...

this is all anybody had.

Everybody used these, even royalty.
Kings and queens.

- They did?
- Sure.

You didn't expect them to have a little
house with a half-moon on the door...

in the back
of Buckingham Palace, did you?

No, but where
did they keep 'em?

Wherever they needed 'em.
On the landing. In the bedroom.

Sometimes when they had
a banquet...

they put it behind a screen
in the dining room.

I don't believe that.

That's what the guy
at the antique shop told me.

He said that they wasn't so hung up
about stuff like this...

the way we are now.

If a guy got caught short
during a meal...

he'd run behind that screen,
and zip...

he'd be back out there
in time for the next course.

He wouldn't even miss
none of the conversation.

That's disgusting. I mean,
that's really disgusting.

It is not, Pop. That's only because
you're judging it by today's standards.

That's the way
it was back then.

I don't care
how it was back then.

Suppertime is suppertime...

and when it's somethin' else time,
it's somethin' else time.

Well, that's the way it was,
and this is an important one too.

Look here on the side.
You see that on the side?

That's another reason
why this is so valuable.

What's that?

Well, that's
the Prince of Wales's feathers.

See? This is his crest.

I wouldn't be surprised if this
didn't belong to the prince himself.

You are looking at history.

I am lookin' at a toilet.

Anyway, I'm gonna take it into
one of them fancy antique shops...

over in Beverly Hills.

They gonna flip when they see this.

You say you can get
three or four hundred dollars for it?

At least. If we could get our hands on
more stuff like this, we could retire.

Now, see, Lamont.
That's the thing that bothers me.

If this thing
is worth that much money...

why did you only give the woman $20,
even though it was an ugly white woman?

- What are you talking about?
- Sanford and Son's...

got a reputation
for payin' a fair price.

That's how we got
a good name in this business.

It's not my fault if people
don't know what they're selling.

I didn't do nothin' wrong.

Wasn't it you that told me...

to do unto others
before they can do it unto you?

It's just somethin'
that is not right.

I don't understand you.
This ain't like you, man.

You'll feel better tomorrow morning
once you sleep on it.

I ain't gonna sleep on it.

I ain't gonna feel better
'cause I ain't gonna sleep on it...

and I ain't gonna sit on it.

I'm gonna fix me something to eat.

I ain't in no commode business.
I'm in the junk business.

- Mr. Sanford?
- Yeah.

Mr. Sanford, you were
at my house this morning...

and bought a Regency commode
from my wife.

Is that right?

No, I was the one that was
at your house. What about it?

You paid her $20 for it,
didn't you?

I bought something that might
or might not be an antique. So?

- Well, it is.
- We don't know that, do we?

- Is there something wrong?
- Yes, there is something wrong.

I'd like to discuss it with you.
May I come in?

- I knew it. I knew it.
- Yeah, come on in.

Thank you.

There it is!
Thank goodness you didn't sell it!

There's been a mistake. My wife
shouldn't have sold you this piece.

You see, she didn't know
the value of it.

- I knew it. I knew it.
- That's not my fault, man.

- She agreed to the price.
- You took advantage of her!

I knew it.
I knew it.

- Just what is it you want, Mr...
- Osborne.

You're an antique dealer.
At least that's what your card says.

You must have known
it was worth more than $20.

We didn't know that. I swear.
We thought it was a spittoon.

It's people like you that give
the antique business a bad name.

I knew it.
I knew it.

You knew I knew it
when I told you I knew it.

It's underhanded dealing,
that's what it is.

Talking innocent housewives
out of parting with their antiques...

and then paying them
practically nothing for it.

- It's underhanded.
- Yes, it's underhanded.

Your wife couldn't wait
to get this out of the house.

Because you
talked her out of it.

Now, that's very unfair.
Very unfair.

That's very unfair.
Very unfair.

Would you stop it.

Don't go accusing me of doing
nothin' underhanded.

Tell your wife to be
more careful in the future.

Is that all you have to say?

Is that all
you have to say?

Because if it is, Mr. Sanford,
you're behaving like a cad.

Yeah, you're behaving like a...

What's that you called my son?

- A cad.
- Yeah.

You're behavin' like one of them,
and a dummy too.

Excuse me, Mr. Osborne.

I'd like to talk to him for a minute,
if that's all right.

- Don't be pushin' me.
- Go inside there.

This is my business deal. I'm the one
that brought the thing in the house.

Is there something else that you wanted
to talk to me about, Mr. Osborne?

Only this.
I've got to have that piece back.

I'd be happy to sell it
back to you.

Good. I'll even offer you
a little profit on the deal.

How about $30?

- We'll take it.
- No, it's worth more than that.

You're making $10 on...
All right, all right. $50.

We'll take it.

You're gonna have to go
higher than that.

- Seventy-five?
- He's offering us $75 for a toilet!

This toilet happened to belong to the
Prince of Wales, didn't it, Mr. Osborne?

All right.
You've got me over a barrel.

I'll give you $200 for it.

Lamont! Two hundred!

Would you stop it! It's worth
a lot more than that, and he knows it.

If you put it up for auction,
you'd have to pay a commission...

and then take
whatever price came in.

Two hundred is very fair.
Very fair.

Two hundred is very fair.
Very fair.

All right. To show you I'm not
a hard businessman, I'll take it.

May I write you a check?

Yeah. Put your address and
phone number on the back.

Not exactly a bad profit
for a day's work, is it?

Hey, man,
that's the way it goes.

I'll have someone come
and pick it up in the morning.

Now, one thing more,
Mr. Sanford.

If I hear about you doing
something like this again...

I'm going to report you
to the Better Business Bureau.

I'm not a member.

Well... I know somebody else
who'd be interested in all of this.

It's Ralph Nader.

Is he in antique toilets?

Ah, $200.

- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
- Are you gonna start that again?

Yes, I'm gonna start that again,
taking advantage of people.

If I wanted to take advantage of him...

I could have charged him
twice as much.

You heard the man. He would have
paid anything to get that back.

Two hundred dollars.

Two hundred dollars
for a toilet that ain't got no chains!

- What's the matter with you?
- You know what's the matter with me.

Don't tell me you're still mad
about that commode business.

Forget about it.

I can't. I hate to see you
taking advantage of people.

This is Sanford and Son,
not Shakedown and Son.

Ho-ho-ho.

What does that mean,
"Ho-ho-ho"?

I bought something for about $20,
and I sold it for 200.

- That's a 1,000% profit, right?
- Right.

You had an old suit layin' around here
that you paid two dollars for...

and you sold it to that Mexican guy
down the street for 20.

Now, that's a 1,000% profit.
So, ho-ho-ho.

Well, that was different.

See, everybody was satisfied
with my deal.

See, that Mexican fella,
he was happy as a clam...

'cause he ain't never had
a three-piece suit before.

But you didn't tell him that knickers
was out of style, did you?

Well, knickers
ain't out of style.

I saw a picture in the paper
the other day.

You know the head man in Yugoslavia?
What's his name? Toto?

Tito. Toto was the dog
in The Wizard of Oz.

Well, I get 'em mixed up.

Anyway, he had on some knickers...

and he was out huntin',
and he looked great.

Huntin', yeah...

but you don't wear knickers
to apply for a job in a restaurant.

That's the whole point, Pop.
You took advantage of somebody.

At least I took advantage
of some people that could afford it.

It just ain't right,
and you ain't gonna make it right.

- 'Cause you didn't do it, that's why.
- You just a cad.

- Yes?
- Good afternoon. Are you open?

Yeah, we open to the public
24 hours a day.

- Come on in.
- Splendid. My name is Bonnet.

Emile Bonnet.
Antiques.

"Beverly Hills, New York,
Rome, Milan. "

I ship to Italy twice a year.

At one time we were buying
everything they had to sell.

Now it's the other way around.

Yeah, you could say that again.

In any case, I like to explore
in the strangest places...

and this is certainly
a strange place.

I say, that's rather bizarre.

Oh, no, no.
That's my father.

No, no. I was referring
to the piece behind him.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to laugh at you,
but your son did make a funny.

Yeah. He's a regularJerk Benny.

Well, now, let's see what
we have here that's interesting.

This glass cabinet.
Is it period?

Yeah, it's the only
glass cabinet we got, period.

You have a nice sense of humor too,
don't you?

Yeah, I get off a good one
every now and then.

- Say, listen, you Italian?
- Oh, I'm a little of everything.

Italian, Greek, Turkish.
Even Syrian and Dutch.

You must've had to take a lot of shots
to get in this country.

- Oh, yes, indeed.
- Yeah, well, look around.

We got a lot
of nice stuff here.

You ever been to Switzerland?

- On occasion.
- Maybe you could use this sled.

No, I think not.

- What about Africa? You been there?
- I travel all over the world.

In that case...

you probably could use this spear
when you get to Africa.

If not, you could use it
in New York City.

- On the subway.
- Now, then...

- At night.
- The point is...

- When you by yourself.
- No, thank you. I really don't...

Good heavens.
This is incredible.

Exquisite.
A magnificent Hepplewhite.

Is it for sale?

- Yes.
- No.

Yes, it is.

This is the finest example of
a Regency commode that I've ever seen.

I don't believe it.
The Prince of Wales feathers.

Do you realize
what this must mean?

Undoubtedly this was used
by the prince himself.

Fantastic. I'll take it.

- You can't have it.
- Pop!

- I'll give you $900 for it.
- It's been sold!

Did you say $900?

Nine hundred.
I already have a customer for it.

Sophia Loren
will buy this sight unseen.

- It's already sold!
- It is not!

- It is!
- It isn't!

Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Which is it?

Would you excuse us for a moment?
We want to talk for a minute.

- Yes, of course.
- Just excuse us. Let's go.

If you don't give me this pot
and mind your own business...

I'm gonna lock you upstairs
in your room.

You can't sell that.
It's against the rules!

I make my own rules.

It's crooked.
I want no part of it.

Good. Then stay out of it.

- Good. I ain't gonna say no more.
- Fine!

- Don't ask me no more.
- Perfect.

That toilet is gonna
put us in the toilet.

Would you stay out of this
and let me handle it, please?

You got no sense.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bonnet. It was just
a little business conference in there.

If you've already sold the piece,
let's forget it.

I wouldn't want to get involved
in anything unethical.

Oh, no. It was just
a little misunderstanding.

It can all be straightened out
with the stroke of a pen.

Yeah, a Federal pen.

- I beg your pardon?
- Nothing. Nothing at all.

You did say $900,
didn't you?

Right. I'll call back in two days
to make sure it's for sale.

That's fine,
but don't worry about a thing.

The guy that owns this doesn't like it,
his wife doesn't want it.

I'll buy it back from him
and offer him a little profit.

- Do you think he'll go for it?
- I'm sure he will.

You can just tell Sophia Loren
that this pot is as good as hers.

Why, it'll be great
for makin' pasta in.

If you can establish sole title
to the piece, we have a deal.

And please try. If necessary,
I might even go higher than 900.

- Don't worry. I'll get it.
- I hope so. Good day.

- Buon giorno, Mr. Sanford.
- Yeah, bum journey to you too.

Don't say a word.
Not one word.

I won't say one word.
I'll spell it for you.

D-U-M-M-Y period.

Hello. Can I speak
to a Mr. Emile Bonnet, please?

What?
Isn't this 654-1654?

Mr. Bonnet was at my place
about three days ago...

and he was inquiring about a commode,
and I was calling him back...

to tell him
that I have it ready for him.

There's no Mr. Bonnet there?

Who am I calling?

Okay. Thank you.

Hey, Pop, you know that phone number
that Bonnet gave me three days ago?

It was to a McDonald's
hamburger place.

I don't understand it...

and after I got Osborne
to sell it back to me for 300 bucks.

So, in other words,
you're into this pot here for $320.

How do you figure that? I still got
Osborne's check for $200 in the bank.

So this only cost me 120,
and Bonnet's offered me 900 for it.

So I'm still in the clear.

But the question is,
where is Mr. Bonnet?

Maybe you should call
McDonald's in Rome.

I mean, you're just...
you're just dumb, son.

See, you've been conned.

You've been conned,
robbed and ripped off.

- What are you talkin' about?
- Sit down.

This is gonna take some time.

See, now, these two guys
were workin' together.

The first guy comes in here complaining
that you took advantage of his wife.

And he buys a commode off you
and even gives you a profit.

Now you know it's valuable.

So then here comes the second guy,
the antique dealer...

and he tells you if you can
buy it back off the other guy...

he'll buy it from you.

So, you give the first guy, Osborne,
a check for $300 made out to cash.

He rushes to the bank to cash it...

and you don't see
neither of these guys again.

You don't believe me, do you?

- I believe you, except for two things.
- What?

I already put the check
for $200 in the bank...

and I still got
the valuable commode.

And I called the bank this morning,
and the check is still bouncing...

and I had a guy come in here
this morning and appraise this commode.

- And?
- They're worth 20 bucks each.

He said he had appraised
14 of them this week.

Those two guys had worked
this whole neighborhood.

Son, you've been had bad.

I can't believe it.

It's your own fault.

If you hadn't been greedy,
they couldn't work the deal.

You see, son, always remember
what the Bible said.

He that liveth by the sword
shall be stucketh.

Hello, son,
I got your lunch ready.

I got some tuna fish
and mayonnaise...

and it's nice and wet,
the way you like it.

That's good, Pop.

I happened to see that you
had the commode out...

with a For Sale sign on it.

- How much you think you'll get for it?
- Well, I paid 20.

So I'll try for 30.

I could ask for 40
and probably get 50...

but I should say 60
and get around 70.

But I'm pretty sure
I can get 80.

Now who's taking advantage?

No, but I put
a lot of work into it.

I waxed it, polished it and tightened
all the knobs on the drawers.

That's another thing that I noticed.

The pot is missing.
You gonna get $80...

for something that don't even have
the most important part.

But it's not. I put a lot of work
into it, and I'll show you.

That's what makes it expensive.
Sit down and close your eyes.

- Sit on down and close your eyes.
- Is this some joke?

It's no joke. You did it to me,
and I'm gonna do it to you.

Sit down, and don't peek.

Don't peek.

You can open your eyes.

See? I bet the Prince of Wales
would've liked this.

It'd be like going
in the woods.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape
before a live studio audience.