Original subtitles

[Boy]: I tried to reach for the stars, but now I'm alone, and lost.

I wish I had never left my friends at the orphanage.

[Trudy]: Oh, that was very, very good sweetie.

-I got chills, I think he's perfect.

-[Gerry]: Are you guys kidding? Are you kidding?

-Mr. Duncan, we're right in the middle of auditions.

-We're selling tickets to this, people are expecting talent.

-[Dwyer]: Mr. Duncan, it's for the kids.

-[Gerry]: Give me your hand. -[Dwyer]: We don't got time for this right now.

-Oh wait, I think I would like to see this actually.

-[Gerry]: Stand there, watch. I'll show you how to act. [Gerry clears his throat]

What? This can't be a circus. There's nobody here.

I tried to reach for the stars, but now I'm alone and lost, like a leaf.

Blowing.

I should have never left that orphanage.

-[Dwyer laughs]: Thanks for coming, that was fun.

-That's the commitment you need to give and you guys need to watch for.

See the emotion, the passion, the head down when I did it. The hands...

The feel of me doing it real. -We really gotta move on Mr. Duncan.

-I should be in this play. I should be in this.

-[Eva]: I think we're going to go with Ron.

-You're gonna go with Ron? Ron the wooden...

That? You're gonna go with that?

That's gonna be fun to watch. I'm a leaf. Like come on.

-Yeah, listen, that leaf isn't the only thing that blows by the way Gerry.

-That's not funny Trudy. We're all just trying to do our best here.

♪ Music.

♪ I'm awesome. No you're not dude, don't lie.

♪ I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's ride.

♪ I'm awesome. A quarter of my life gone by.

♪ I'm awesome.

-Hey, are you still in world religions?

I finished that unit weeks ago.

-Teaching's not a race.

-Uh huh, it's a pretty hard subject to teach. Really tough.

-No it's not, because God created everything. Simple.

-Callaghan is actually really strict about not letting

personal beliefs get in the way.

-Well, I never let my own personal beliefs get in the way

because I am professional.

Which is why I've never said anything about your...

Nose...and...lips.

-Thanks.

-Big day tomorrow. Big five-eight. Huh?

-What a coincidence, it's Callaghan's 58th birthday too.

-Haha, burn.

Good one. Did you get him a present yet?

-Yup! -Nothing fancy though right?

-Nope. -'Cause that's what he said.

Nothing fancy. So, I think for his birthday, we should just get

what he wants for his birthday. Which is nothing fancy.

'Cause that's what I got him. Is that what you got him?

Trudy...Trudy...Trudy! -Robert, will you relax?

-I am relaxed.

-I kept it small. So you don't need to be intimidated.

-Good! Nothing fancy.

-Religions of the world.

Christianity, [Catholic], Muslim and Jew.

Yes, Maya? -Sir, I'm pretty sure there's more than three religions.

-Would you like to teach this? -Will I get paid what you get paid?

-No, 'cause you can go to university for seven years to learn this.

And be trained as a teacher. Thank you.

Now, if the pope here would let me finish.

Yes, there are other religions of the world.

But they are silly, or created by crazy people.

So we don't talk about them or believe in them.

Your job this unit is to do a presentation on a religion.

I am suggesting the first one.

Specifically Catholicism, which is a branch of Christianity.

Because that's the most popular and the biggest. How popular?

Jesus was Jewish and even he was Catholic. Think about that.

-Sir? -Yes.

-Is it alright if I do my presentation on Atheism? -Atheism? No!

That's nothing, are you going to do a presentation on nothing Lewis?

-Sir, I'm an Atheist. It's what I believe.

-Okay, that's what you believe? Then you do your presentation on nothing.

Your mark will be nothing. And! You will go to hell. I promise.

Okay, so let's dig into the text books, start looking at the religions.

And pick the one that you think you want to present on, let's go.

'Cause I believe in god, Father Almighty.

Creator of heaven and earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ. -Sir.

-His only son, our Lord was born to the virgin Mary.

He suffered under Pontius Pilate.

Was crucified, died and was buried.

He ascended to the dead and on the third day he rose again.

You get more Lewis. And you get a little extra too.

That's what I'm talking about. ♪ Music

-[Woman]: Um, excuse me. -Yes?

-Can you tell me where the main office is?...Office?

-Sure, sorry, ah right down there to the right. Are you a sub?

-Yeah, I'm Danni Burlon. -Hi...Danni.

-[Simon]: Hello. -Hi.

-I'm Simon. If you need anything please let me know.

-Thanks Simon. -I'm Simon.

-Thanks guys. -[Gerry]: Okay, Danni.

-Cheese and crackers. I call dibs.

-Dibs? Simon, Danni is a guy that had a sex change.

Did you not see that? -[Simon]: What on earth are you talking about?

Look at that butt! Look at that hair. She's wearing lipstick, Gerry!

-Simon, did you see the turtleneck? -Turtleneck?

-To cover the Adam's apple. -What?

-That's what she's doing. -That's not what turtlenecks are for.

-Ask her to pull her turtleneck down. -I would never do that.

-Pull it down yourself, you'll see a big lump right there. -I would never do that.

I don't have an Adam's apple. -Check it out.

-You're just jealous because I called dibs first. -No!

-[Robert]: Dibs on what? The sub?

I wouldn't mind making a cold cut combo on that sub.

-Aright, okay...no. -Gerry, I already called dibs.

-Are you serious? I didn't hear you.

-You have to respect my dibs. -Rookie, see you out there.

Simon, meet the pieman.

And you, stay out of this. Quiet time.

-Do not cut my grass. Don't cut my grass.

-It's a guy. You guys are fighting over a man.

That is out of both of your leagues, by the way.

-Atheism is accepted by many different forms of religion. Like Jainism...

-[Gerry]: Hence Lewis' earrings.

-Hinduism and Buddhism... -Hippy religions.

-And various different types of Neopaganism like Wicca.

-Okay, you know what? That's great, that's enough.

This is turning into a gong show here. You just making stuff up now?

This is world religions, not some creative writing thing you're doing.

-Sir, please, I put a lot of research into this.

-Well then you should have studied that God exists.

And that he's all powerful. Biggest power. Nothing's bigger.

-Okay, supposing God does exist and that he is, in fact, all powerful then tell me this:

Can he make a rock so heavy that he can't pick it up?

-Obviously. -So he can't pick it up then?

-No, he can pick it up.

-But then he failed in making a rock so heavy he can't pick it up.

-What? He can't...

-Get out, get out. -I didn't say anything.

-It's not a question first of all, it's some sort of circular thing you're doing.

-Sir, it's called a paradox. -It's called a paradox, thank you.

-Sir, maybe you and Lewis should have a debate.

-Yeah Maya, 'cause I got nothing better to do then just debate

Lewis about something that doesn't even exist.

-Oh, Sir I'm sorry if my paradox scared you.

-Scared me.

Fine, the debate is on. How's that for a paradox?

Haha, you can stay.

♪ Music.

Surprise!

-Oh come on guys, I told you not to go crazy.

-Happy Birthday Sir. -The big five-eight huh?

-I know you said no presents, but I couldn't help myself.

You are a source of inspiration to me every single day in here.

And I hope it's okay, but I took the liberty of putting it down on paper.

Just what you mean to me in this piece of original artwork.

Pecs...just read it.

-Is this a poem Robert? -Three back to back haikus.

-How very thoughtful.

-Thank you.

-I got you a little something too, Sir.

-Now, Trudy.

Oh my God. A diving watch.

-Oh, it's just a little something. So you like it.

-I'm speechless, I mean Trudy, this is the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me.

-Well, you're worth it Sir.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

-Happy Birthday.

-Oh, look, I'll read the poem Robert.

♪ Music

-[Gerry whispers]: Hey Father. How's it going?

Ah, not sure if you remember me but I coach at Xavier Academy.

You did a prayer for my girls' basketball team one day.

-Yes, I remember you. -Yeah, I was the coach.

Ahhh, nice. -Wait, is this your parish?

-Ahhh...

-Because I don't recall seeing you at mass, ev...

[Duck quack noise] -[Gerry]: That's my phone. One second.

[More quack noise] -[Gerry]: I gotta take this Father, give me one second.

-[Gerry quietly]: Hello. What's up buddy? [Laughs]

I know. I know, I heard. -[Father]: Give me strength.

-That's awesome. We're gonna get drunk.

What do you mean it's shut down? We'll go to the other one.

I don't know where it is.

Hold on. Father, do you know that liquor store...

-Are you here for confession or not?

-Hold on one sec. Ah, no, no, no.

First of all, you know who I am now, so I can't tell ya my sins.

-Why are you here?

-Well, I have a student in my class, he's atheist and I gotta prove to him that god exists.

Do you have any pointers on how do I prove it?

-Well if there were definitive proof then we wouldn't need faith.

We would just believe.

-Yeah, okay Father, this kid's really smart, I can't just give him some lame stuff like that.

Do you know anything about a rock? He's always talking about a rock.

-No, no my son. -Yeah! He's up on the my son stuff.

I think that's the language that's getting priests in trouble. Call me Gerry.

Tell me about the rock. Father?

♪ Music. [Gerry whistles for the priest]

♪ Music.

-Mr. Leung, I need a book on the life of God.

-Mr. Melvil Dewey will be happy to help you.

Learn his system, and you'll find what you need.

-I don't know who that is and he's not the librarian, you are.

So can you just tell me where I can find a book about God?

-May I suggest you read the best selling book of all time?

-Oh, okay, Harry Potter? That's gonna help.

-[Leung]: The Bible.

-Not the book God wrote. I want a book about his life.

-I don't know anything about your God.

-What do you mean about my God? It's our God.

-I practice Shenism-Taoism.

-Terrorism? Doesn't surprise me at all.

-I think you need to read. Period.

-[Robert hisses] Ooh la la.

Happy Birthday and one day. [Purrs]

-Oh my God. -What is that?

-It's chinchilla. -[Trudy laughs]

-I just thought this says happy birthday in ways that my card didn't.

So happy birthday.

-Robert, in what universe, do you think that I would wear a full length fur coat?

-It also comes in three quarter.

Nice going Trudy. -Well, I guess you're gonna have to take that back.

-I can't Trudy. That's the thing.

-But good for you. You must be awfully proud of yourself.

-Why? -Well, because you were trying to outdo me and you did.

Yay Trudy. -I'm not trying to outdo you Robert.

He lost that watch two years ago on a diving trip.

He likes my gift because it was thoughtful.

-Really? Then what was my poem? -Your poem was...cheap.

But that coat wasn't cheap was it Robert?

[Robert hisses] [Trudy laughs]

-Hey Bobbi. -Mmmhmm.

-See the sub? It's a guy.

-What? -It's a guy.

-What are you? 12? -Just take a look. Look!

-Take a look, seriously. -No, it is very clearly a woman, Gerry.

-Well, you're not the best judge.

-What did you say?

-Yeah, thought so. -[Simon]: Hey Bobbi.

-Hey Simon.

-Oh, like what you see Gerry?

Get a nice eyeful, 'cause that's my girl.

-It's a guy Simon. -Oh, if it's a guy, then why is she going on a date with me?

-You gotta be kidding me. You didn't ask her out.

-Oh, I asked her and she agreed. Props up top.

-Have you seen 'The Crying Game'? -No, good movie?

-Just follow my lead here. Hey! -[Danni]: Hey guys.

-Why don't you join us? -Can't, gotta get to my next class.

-[Simon and Gerry]: Oh. -[Gerry]: Is that a drip?

-Where? -It's right above your head.

-Where? Do you feel a drip? Where is there a drip?

-There's a drip. -[Simon]: Where do you see a drip?

-Look up. Look Up. -[Simon]: I don't see it. Guide my eyes.

-I don't see anything. -[Gerry]: Look, there's a drip.

-Look, I've really got to get to my next class. -[Gerry]: Okay.

-[Simon]: Where's the drip? -[Danni]: But if I see anything, I'll let someone know.

See you tonight Simon? -See you tonight.

-There's no drip Simon. -What?

-Okay, I wanted to see if she had an Adam's apple.

I was trying to get her to expose her neck.

But she kept looking up with me, then looking down with me.

You've really got to see 'The Crying Game' before you go on this date.

-[Simon]: I'm gonna watch that movie. Funny?

-Yeah. You'll both enjoy it. She might be in it.

♪ Music

-I've never seen you read before.

-I don't know how this is the best selling book of all time.

-What do you know about debating? Let alone religion?

-Okay, I know a lot about religion, because I was raised very Catholic.

We went to church every Sunday.

So I know all the sayings, all the responses. For instance:

Lord have mercy, then you say, Christ have mercy.

Then you gotta come back to Lord have mercy.

You wouldn't know that. -I do not know that.

What does it mean? -I don't know.

-This is going to be a disaster. -I'm in trouble.

-I think you are in trouble, you have no chance against this kid.

-I'll call in sick. -You know what you could do?

Remember your strategy from teacher's college for presentations?

All style, no substance. Yes! You could do that.

You have no substance. You could just, like, put on a little smoke and mirrors show.

A little razzle dazzle. -Big show.

-A little David Blaine, right? -Yeah...who? -David Blaine.

-Who's that? -He's a magician.

-Get him to come in. -Oh yeah, do your presentation?

-Call him. -He's famous, he's on TV.

-Well then, why are you bringing him up? -To help inspire, for the show.

-Don't tell me you can get him if you can't get him Who brings up somebody

and then says I can't get them? -Are you serious? ♪ Music

-You got me all excited. You said David Blaine, like I'll get David Blaine.

♪ Music

[Lewis]: Oh, and um, so...that is why I don't believe in God.

I don't believe in God.

-Yes! Clap. Thank you my son for not believing in me.

But how foolish are you? I am here in front of you.

Do not listen to that man. Follow me.

Follow me on Twitter as well, if you like. I'm everywhere.

You cannot deny that Jesus is standing in front of you.

I am also, God, the Father of Jesus, and

I am the Holy Spirit as well, three things into one.

Which is confusing, I understand.

But I am here for you my children.

Do not listen to evil, non-believers follow me.

You must be Jimmy.

'Cause God, slash Jesus, slash Holy Spirit knows everyone.

You believe in me, my son? -I will for an A in the class.

-You will never get an A, my son.

You are stupid. Get out Jimmy.

Go to the gates of Hell! Die! -Would Jesus do that?

-Just get out, would you? You're screwing up the whole story.

I'm doing a presentation.

That was Satan also known as Jimmy. Satan is an A-hole.

Amen to that. But I am real. My blood is for you.

I have died for you, I have come back etc., etc.

You will not betray me, Jesus Christ, the son of God, who exists.

[Gerry whispers]: I win.

[Whispers]: It's just ketchup, don't worry about it.

In the name of me, and me and me and me, amen.

[Callaghan]: Look, Duncan, I shouldn't have to tell you,

you don't bring your personal beliefs into the school.

-They're everyone's beliefs.

-It is Xavier's policy...

Come on, I can't yell at you when you're dressed like that.

-Is that better?

-You are going to write the parent of every student in that class and apologize.

-Why don't I just write one...?

-Xavier accepts every religious faith, without bias.

-You know the teachings of my religion are forgiveness.

-Thank you. Go.

-That's a lot of writing Sir, but Jesus can do it.

-Get out! -Good luck when you die Sir.

-[Gerry]: Hey Trudy. -[Trudy]: Hey my Lord.

♪ Music

-[Robert]: Sir, pardon me?

After careful consideration and a little bit of research,

I think I've found, maybe, the perfect gift worthy of the day of your birth.

-Robert, this is completely unnecessary.

-Please, please just indulge me. Hear me out.

It's your family tree. -My God.

This is incredible. -I mean, it's no diving watch.

It shows who all of your relatives were, where they lived, when they died.

-It's very impressive, Robert.

Oopsy, look at that, your great- grandfather died at 60. Shame.

Oh look, your great-grandmother too, also died at 60.

In fact, ooh weird, looks like not too many of your ancestors made it past 60.

That's funny. Not funny haha, obviously.

-It was a different time. That's not what's important.

What's important is, a pretty special person got you a birthday gift.

Happy birthday Sir. -Yeah, happy birthday.

-[Sings]: And many more.

-Well, at least two more, anyway, Robert.

[Trudy laughs]: Well done.

-Hey! Well? -Oh, yeah, you were right.

-I knew it. -Yeah.

-Hey, Wayne, you that Dan... -I don't care, Gerry.

-How'd you find out?

-Well, she came over to watch a movie and I got my mom out

of there by telling her some of the guys were coming over.

-Technically, that's true.

-Anyway, we're watching the movie and we start to kiss.

And I felt a lump. -A lump?

-Sure, yeah. Anyway, the movie ends, we're out on the porch, I'm kissing her goodnight.

She is beautiful, Gerry. Strong hands.

French kissing is weird, it's like little snakes in your mouth.

Anyway, let me ask you something, in terms of bases...

Does this count?

-Sure. Yes! First base baby! You finally got there.

-Second base. -Second? Okay. Second not third?

-I rounded it too, looked at third.

-You didn't go near third? -I had to go back.

-Afternoon ladies. -I got to second base.

-No, not with Danni? -Yeah, with Danni.

-Dude! No, I was gonna tap that. -Yes!

-This coat is amazing. -I thought we were vibing.

-Well. -I'm ten times the man you are. Details, let's go.

-I was right? Remember that.

-[Simon]: We kissed. -[Robert]: Where?

-[Simon]: Porch. -[Robert]: You dirty, dirty dog.

-[Simon]: Yeah, I felt pretty dirty. -I have transgendar!

♪ Music. -No one believed me.

♪ Music.

-Thanks for nothing Father Judas.

I don't know what that stuff you were saying, but it didn't help me with the rock story.

So what do you have to say for yourself?

You're supposed to help us, when we come here.

Nothing, just as I thought. Pathetic.

-Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

It's been six months since my last confession.

And these are my sins.

I slept with my deceased husbands colleague.

-Okay, okay, okay.

Well, that can happen. One thing leads to another...

So, you have a couple drinks...and...things...

Get out of hand, I've been there.

I've been there many times. So don't worry, he's dead.

So you didn't do anything wrong.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. So just practice safe sex,

and make sure you check your blood pressure.

And how about we doooo, I don't know, why don't we do...

Why don't we do three Hail Mary's and two Our Father's.

Do three Our Father's and you're good to go.

-Thank you Father. -You're welcome. Nice meeting you, by the way.

Next.

♪ Music