Original subtitles

Ok, not high enough. Ok?

Hold on, I don't like this bat.

Ok, you're pitching me inside too much.

Pretend.

Sheila: Shouldn't you be teaching something? Or...

Gerry: Sheila, there's nobody here, everybody's away, if I

teach something I gotta reteach it. I'm teaching baseball

keep your head up. Time!

For you kid.

It's a walk off. Goodnight.

Sheila: Is he...coming back?

Lisa: This is my favourite part of the day, just right

before the kids get here. Gerry: Spare, I like spare.

Trudy: Yup. Ah, here we go! Dwyer's back.

Lisa: Oh, that's Dwyer! Trudy: The kids call him Mr. D

Gerry: That's what they call me. Trudy: No they don't

Gerry: Yup. Trudy: No, you might think

it's you, but it's Dwyer. Dwyer:How you doin how you doin?

Gerry: Trudy, they're staring right at me when they say Mr. D

Trudy: No, no they aren't. He's probably standing right behind

you. Gerry: Shouldn't you be in the

office right now? Lisa: Wow, the kids really

seem to like him. Trudy: Ah yeah, I really do, you

know? He's been here forever, he's everybody's favourite

teacher. Gerry: Everybody? So you know

every kids favourite teacher? Some kids could have a different

favourite teacher Trudy. Trudy: No they don't, no it's

him. Everybody loves Mr. D, he has a way with the kids Gerry.

Gerry: Mr. D!

Gerry: Oops, hey!

Gerry: Hey Mr. D!

Gerry: Hey Steve! Trudy: Really?

Gerry: Mr. D!

Lisa: Give it up Gerry. Gerry: You can't tell that's me

Trudy: No, you can't tell. Gerry mumbles into coffee cup

Gerry: You say it, that one was real

Simon: So, the number of protons determines what kind of atom it

is. Change the number of protons and you get a whole different

element.

But now, let's talk about a couple of fun little groups

called isotopes and ions. Colin: Mr. Hunt, didn't you

promise to show us how to make a bomb this week?

Simon: No, Colin, I never said anything about making a bomb.

Colin: Put "make explosions" on your to do list.

Simon: I won't do that, this class is not about

blowing things up, Colin. Colin: Yeah, but this class

definitely blows. Simon: Colin, settle down.

Colin: You settle down. Simon: You settle down.

The bell sounds

Colin: Hey everyone, no homework tonight!

Class: Yeah! Simon: That is not true, know

know the difference between carbon 12, 13 and 14.

Jose, there's homework. Colin if you could wait a moment

Colin, I cannot have you disturbing my class anymore

because if you do

there will be consequences.

Big ones...

Colin: Ok, come on. Simon: Just making sure that you

get that, thank you. You can leave now, you may both leave

Announcement: Finally a warm welcome back to Mr. Dwyer who

has just returned from building homes in Honduras

Gerry: Alright, alright, alright. Ok, he can't hear you.

Hope I get the same response when I come back from Cancun

on my spring break! You guys are really that excited that

Mr. Dwyer is back? Jonathan: Mr. D's the best!

Gerry: Ok, you realize that I am also Mr. D and I have been all

of my teaching career as well? Jonathan: But, this is your

first year teaching. Gerry: No, I substituted for

years. Jonathan: Substituting

is not a teaching job. Gerry: Oh, is that right?

For your information, substitute teacher's are the teachers that

cover for teachers that like to go on little "trips" to Honduras

in the middle of the school year Jonathan: Well Mr. D's still

everyone's favourite teacher. Gerry: I could curse

at you right now Jonathan. Jonathan: But you can't.

Gerry: But I can when I get to the staff room.

You're a BEEP. You don't even know what I said.

Dwyer: Gerry Duncan? Gerry: Yes?

Dwyer: Paul Dwyer. Welcome to Xavier. How we treating you so

far? Gerry: Good, yeah, you're the

other Mr. D. Dwyer: Steve, how you doin? Hey

Bobbi, you good? I am back! Gerry: They're comparing us a

lot to each other. Two Mr. D's Dwyer: Huh?

Gerry: we're getting compared a lot. It's confusing at times

Dwyer: Whoa, whoa, whoa your braces are off

Gerry: Yeah, you're teeth look good. I noticed that.

Dwyer: No, I mean his braces in his legs, he had a hard time

walking, his parents had a tough time with him. Anyway, look I

gotta get goin. Good to see I'm back, I'm back.

Gerry: Well just so you know, there are two Mr. D's. #2, #1

Gerry: 15 minutes? Excuse me? Is that you? 15 minutes on the

microwave? Leung: Yes, I am making my lunch

Gerry: Your lunch? What is it? Leung: Shark

Gerry: Shark? Leung: Yeah

Gerry: You're having Shark? Leung: Yeah, it's frozen

Gerry: Frozen, isn't that on the endangered species list?

Leung: It's getting there. Gerry: It's getting there, wow.

Alright, well, you're the librarian right?

Leung: Yes Gerry: Are you even supposed

to be in the staff room? Leung: Excuse me?

Gerry: Well, you're not a teacher, this is for teachers.

Leung: I have a Bachelor of Education, just like you do.

Gerry: Ok, listen Captain Quint the microwave is not for cooking

shark, ok? Wow, did you catch it yourself?

Simon: Hey guys...you're ties are a little uh loose...

do you want to fix those? Bobbi: Excuse me gentlemen fix

your ties please. Student: Relax, I'll fix it in

class. Bobbi: Excuse me? You know what?

You're the student, I'm the teacher, I could ruin you like

that [snaps fingers]. Now, fix your tie and fix them now!

and don't let me ask you again. Student: Sorry Miss won't happen

again. Bobbi: Go!

Gerry: Hey, are librarians allowed to use the microwave

in the staff room? Lisa: Just a second.

Gerry: What are you doin? Lisa: I'm on gradetheteacher.com

Gerry: What's that? Lisa: Oh, it's this website

where students can grade their teachers and leave comments.

It's, I'm on it almost every, I'm on it everyday.

Gerry: Am I on it? Lisa: Um, nope, nothing.

Gerry: Not one comment? Lisa: Ah, I got a new one!

I love this thing. "Ms Mason has the worst laugh ever".

I don't have a bad laugh, do I? Gerry: Um, it's different, it's

unique, it's yours. Lisa: I wish I could find out

who posts this stuff. Gerry: Hit refresh, see if I

I have a comment. Lisa: You don't have a comment.

Gerry: You didn't hit refresh. Lisa: Still nothing.

Gerry: See if Dwyer has anything Lisa: Whoa! A+ all good comments

Gerry: "Mr. D's the best listener. "Mr D's so chill.

His impressions of the staff are hilarious. He has changed my

life forever." Lisa: It's just a stupid website

Lisa: Come on, it's lunchtime.

Gerry: I wonder if the kids are posting my comments on his

because we're both Mr. D Lisa: Yeah...

Gerry: and that's why I don't have any?

Lisa: That could be it. Gerry: Yeah

Lisa: That could totally be it. Gerry: That would explain it.

Lisa: Alright, come on, let's go.

Gerry: 20 minutes now.

Let me just put this in for

What's in there today? Koala?

Dodo bird?

Simon: Colin! Colin Stratton. Dr. Hilarious himself, MD

Colin: Hey Mrs Hunt. Simon: Hahahaha

Simon: Hilarious joke Colin. Calling a man a woman. Funny

that's swish, three-point basketball. But where's your

hilarious friends right now Colin? I don't see them around

right now. Colin: Here they come.

Simon: Gentlemen, welcome back. Colin and I were just chatting

about sports. Got some chips huh? Fun, that's cool

Got dill pickle pals huh? Salt and Vinegar chums. Chip Chaps.

Colin: What is wrong with you? Simon: Nothing, thank you

for asking though. I'll see you in class Colin. Chips.

Colin: Give me some chips.

Maya: Sir, this isn't fair. We didn't even know about this quiz

Gerry: Yes you did... Ok, stop writing.

Jimmy: I thought we had 20 more minutes?

Gerry: Nope, Maya's right. Not fair. I assumed you all knew.

Maybe you didn't, so my mistake. No quiz. Instead we are going to

talk. You don't even know me. I'd like you to get to know me.

The real me. Ask questions anything you want.

Jimmy: When was the first time you got drunk?

Gerry: Ok, grade 11, Greg and Mike, St. Joe's dance

Mike got drunk, he hit on a nun. True story.

Maya:Which teacher's are dating? Gerry: Can't tell you yet Maya

but when you graduate, I will tell you, how's that?

See that's real. Jimmy: Have you ever

smoked drugs? Gerry: Yes, I've smoked pot.

I'm not gonna lie, alright? I want to tell you the truth.

Marijuana, Cancun with my friend Greg, thought I had to go to the

hospital...a little freaked out. But I do not condone drugs.

nor do I do drugs anymore. It's rare to have some teacher be

this honest and yes I'm strict, and yes I'm teacher, teacher,

teacher...lecture strict. But I'm also real.

You'll also get to know me, you'll realize, hey...

this guys pretty good.

Ben: When did you lose your virginity?

Gerry: Ya see? Now that's not funny. That's inappropriate.

Ben: You said we could ask anything

Gerry: Yeah, but not that. Ok, how would you feel if I asked

you when did you lose your virginity? Or have you lost...

Awkward isn't it? It's this awkward conversation right now

about our virginity and stand up if you've slept with Ben.

No! Oh my god. I was kidding. Sit.

Quiz is back on, thanks to Ben. Back to work.

Background: Way to go Benjamin.

Simon: Hey. Hey you. Hey you. You think you're a comedian huh?

Ha! Ha! You think you're a comedian? You're a Mrs.

You're a Mrs.You're a Mrs. No...that's not it.

You're a Mrs. Oh, what's that? Do I sound like I'm laughing?

No, I sound like punching you in the face! Yeah, cause that's all

you're going to hear if you don't start behaving

in my classroom. Wow! That's better.

Leung: Don't be late with that. Well, well, well look who needs

the library. Hope you don't hog all the books Mr. Duncan.

Gerry: I just need the internet. Leung: Well, did you reserve a

computer? Gerry: No, Mr. Leung, I did not.

Leung:It's Lee-yung Lee-yung Gerry: Lee-yung. Ok Mr. Leung

I just need it for five minutes. Leung: I will give you 5 mins.

Gerry: Who's that? Leung: That's my parents.

Gerry: Your parents? Leung: I was adopted.

Gerry: So they came here... Leung: No, they were here

and I came.

Gerry: I need it for 5 mins Leung: Well, I will give it to

you for 5 mins. Gerry: I'm not asking for five

Leung: Well, I'm already giving it to you.

Gerry:I'm telling you. Thank you Hey Kiddo.

Fred: Hey Sir.

Gerry: What's wrong? Fred: I just got cut from

the basketball team. Gerry: Oh...you know

Gerry: Michael Jordan got cut from his high school team?

Fred: Really Sir? Gerry: Yeah, greatest player

in the world. Cut in high school, he didn't let one coach,

and one teacher tell him he didn't have the ability

Look how he turned out. Fred: Maybe one day I can be the

best player in the world. Gerry: Hmm, well first you gotta

make the team next year, then you gotta star on it, then you

gotta go to college, star there, NBA, six championships. But I

like your thinking. Fred: Yeah.

Gerry: I met Michael Jordan once Fred: Really?

Gerry: Yeah, he was coming out of a game and I stuck my hand

over the, where they come out and I, he did that. Michael!

Fred: Sir, that's so cool. Gerry:That's cool, I touched him

Gerry: ...so, mod squad Fred: What?

Gerry: ah, just... Bell sounds.

Gerry: Anyway, go on with your day. Don't worry about it.

Fred: Thanks Sir. Gerry: You're welcome.

Grade the teacher...Nothing. How is that possible?

Leung: Time's up.

Gerry: Are you serious? Leung: Yeah.

Bobbi: Hey, Simon, Simon, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Did you, ah, have a chance to talk to Colin yet?

Simon: Right, I'm work, I'm working up to it.

Bobbi: No, you can't work up to it. You just gotta go for it.

Simon: Well... Bobbi: No, It's like a band-aid,

you just gotta rip it off. Simon: On, no, I'm more of a

warm water sort of guy. Bobbi: No no no just rip it off.

Simon: Like a bath...ok Bobbi: Rip it off, you know.

Bobbi: Yeah Simon: Ok, how's this?

You do not mess with me because I am a lion and you do not mess

with a lion cause I will break out of my cage using the claws

that made me king of the jungle and I will rip you open I will

tear your face off and I will wear that face to Halloween

parties. Like a Halloween mask and there's nothing you can do

about it. Nothing! Student: Hunt is scary crazy.

Simon: How was that? Was that good?

Bobbi: You come across like a murderer.

Simon: Murderer? Bobbi: Is that what you

were going for? Simon: I was going for lion.

Bobbi: Then it's too much. Simon: Was it a bit much?

Bobbi: Yeah, a lot much. That's not good.

Dwyer: Ok, who's this? Who does this?

Mr. Duncan, how you doin? Gerry: Good, good.

Dwyer: We're just doin some impressions.

Gerry: Yeah, I've heard about this, so let's, don't let

me stop you. Lucy: Do Ms. Calka!

Gerry: Yeah, let's see that Dwyer: Ms. Calka? Ms. Calka's um

Ok, ok

Gerry: That's it? Dwyer: Yeah

Gerry: That, that's not an impression, that's just somebody

blowing a whistle. That could be anyone that has a whistle.

Dwyer: Yeah, but they know what I'm doing ok how about this one?

Lucy: Mr. Cheeley! Dwyer: Ha! You got it you got it

Gerry: Lucy, that's just any, that's just someone looking at

their watch. How? Are you guys serious? That's, that's...

Dwyer: Come on, do an impression, somebody.

Gerry: Ok, ah, who do you want me to do?

Lucy: Do Mr. D Gerry: This Mr. D

Dwyer: Me? Gerry: Ok, umm

Gerry: Hey! Look at me smiling. Wink, wink, wink, wink.

Wassup? Wassup? Wassup? Hey, what's that? You're homeless?

Well, stay with me and my wife and then I'll build you a home

in, in, Honduras. Ah, everybody loves me, I'm so nice. Ah...

Oh, you're pregnant? Oh no, that's ok, my wife and I'll

raise the baby for ya and then we'll give it back to you and

lots of money. This is my impression of Mr. Dwyer doing an

impression of Mr. Callaghan, ready? Teach hard!

Haha, you're supposed to laugh right? Here's an impression of

Mr. Dwyer if he was hammering a nail. Oh my god, that's so

original, how did you think of that? Oh no, that's amazing.

That is unbelievable, I've never seen that. Wow!

Who else? Dwyer: Kids, I think it's time

to ah, go back to class. Gerry: Just messing around.

Tammy: Embarrassing.

Gerry: Hey Paul. Can I speak to you for a quick sec?

Dwyer: Yeah, keep reading class. Gerry: Listen, ah, I don't think

we got off on the right foot and I just wanted to come and say

I'm sorry for, you know, maybe the way I've been acting.

Dwyer: It's ok, it's cool Gerry: It's just, you're so nice

to the kids and everything you do makes me look like the bad

Mr. D. Dwyer: Let's not talk about this

right now, I got my class, but thanks for coming.

Gerry: Actually ah listen, I also want to apologize for the

impression I did of you. It wasn't, it wasn't cool

Dwyer: I accept your apology, as a matter of fact I apologize too

for not making you feel too welcome. Maybe we stop doing

impressions all together, how's that?

Gerry: No, no I want you to do an impression of me right now

for the kids. Dwyer: What?

Gerry: It's only fair. Kids, excuse me how many of you

would like to see Mr. D do an impression of Mr. D?

Whole class: Yeah! Dwyer: Look, you guys got work

to do. Charlotte: Come on Mr. D,

we love your impressions. Gerry: Let's go, let's see it

they love them. Here we go, this is me right here.

Gerry: Ok, alright, that's fair. That's fair.

I stand with my hands on my hips, ok.

Dwyer: I got another one. How about this one?

Gerry: Alright. Charlotte: That's awesome Sir.

Gerry: Not really awesome ah, oh, you didn't get this one

you missed one. I do that a lot. You didn't do that one.

You didn't get it. No Dwyer: No I didn't actually.

Gerry: Do this sometimes ok? You didn't get that.

Dwyer: That was fun though class right? Give it up for Mr. Duncan

Gerry: You missed that, thumb on the lip. You missed a couple.

Dwyer: You guys got reading to do.

Gerry: Ok, this I leave a class sometimes.

Dwyer: Ok Gerry: Ok? Sometimes I do the

moonwalk out for the kids. Dwyer: Ok...no

Gerry: So you don't know that one, not perfect, not great.

Simon: Hey, everyone. Sorry I'm late. I was just up on the roof

thinking some thoughts, clearing my head.

Colin: Maybe he should go back and stay there for awhile.

Simon: Ok, where's my marker? Anyway let's pick up where we

were last lesson. Who can tell me what a valence electron is?

Colin: I've got one in my pants. Violet: Colin, shut up! He'll go

psycho. Simon: It's ok Violet, I'm not

going to go psycho...yet...

I'm just kidding...shank ya.

Hey, ladies, Colin says he has a valence electron in his pants

that wouldn't be visible with even the most powerful

microscope

Gerry: Check and see if this Mr. D has any comments now.

Lisa: Oh yeah? What makes you think that you do?

Gerry: Spoke to the kids, let them get to know me.

There's a new Mr. D in town.

Leung: Where's the microwave?

Gerry: It's not here...weird.

Lisa: Hey, there's a bunch here um, "Mr. Duncan likes the wacky

tobacky" Gerry: What?

Lisa: "Mr. Duncan is mean to Mr. D"

Gerry: No I'm not Lisa: "Mr. Duncan lost his

virginity to a nun when he was drunk in grade 11"

Oh my god! Is that true? Gerry: What do you think?

It's not true, these kids didn't listen. They screwed up my story

Mike was with the nun. Lisa: Wait, wait, wait there's a

there's a nice one here way down three pages there's...

"Mr. Duncan seems nice and he knows Michael Jordan"

Lisa: You know Michael Jordan? Gerry: Maybe, we met.

Lisa: So the kid got the story wrong? [laughing]

Gerry: So, this is the new laugh?

That's what you came up with?

Gerry: Hey Simon: Hey

Gerry: Almost done. Simon: Oh sure.

Gerry: You didn't tell anyone did ya?

Simon: No sshhh, secret Gerry: Nice.

Simon: Hey, you know Colin Stratton? Well he's always

giving me lip in class, today I embarrassed him in front of

everyone. Shut him right up. Gerry: So now he's mad at you?

Simon: Yeah, but there's nothing he can do about it

Gerry: OK, well just be careful, because the last school

school he was at, he stabbed a teacher.

Simon: He stabbed a what?