Original subtitles

Gerry: Alright I'm Mr. Duncan.

Actually the 'uncan' is uncessecary

You can call me Mr. D

Student: But, uh, we call Mr. Dwyer 'Mr. D'

Gerry: Well that's going to be confusing then for Mr. Dwyer

Anyway, you're older kids I understand that

We're really close in age, I'm not much older really, so

So, I can relate to a lot of the things and I'm here to help you

with any problems, concerns, ok? Anorexia, maybe some

drug problems there? A little low self esteem? The lip ring?

Maybe a gender issue?...You are a woman...you are a woman

A very handsome, I'm sorry, beautiful not handsome

beautiful woman

Solved that problem...I see these things, I see these things

because I care. Everybody here is from a different background

I like that. I've been to many, many countries

almost all of them. Except for a couple hundred

Alright? Let's pick a country, see if I've been there

Japan...been there...Konnichiwa

K...let's do another one. Middle of the Atlantic Ocean

have not been there. Death, sharks...do not wanna be there

Ok...How long are these classes?

Student: 80 minutes Gerry: Alright, 6, 74 mins to go

Gerry: Excuse me, sorry, thank you

Lisa: Hi, I'm Lisa. I'm new here Gerry: Oh I'm Gerry. I'm not

really new 'cause I've been substituting for a few years

so, it's just harder than, this regular.

Lisa: Right Gerry: Look at that! That is the

french teacher. Oh for sure, they're all so hot!

Lisa: I teach Social Studies you know?

Gerry: What? What was that? Lisa: Nothing

Robert: Morning folks, settle please, attention si vous plais

Everybody sit down...people! Trudy: Hey! Sit down!

Robert: Yeah.

Thank you, yes, thanks for taking your seats and settling

everyone. For those of you who don't know me my name is Vice

Principal Robert Cheeley and uh I'm thrilled to be starting

another year here at Xaviar Academy and my first task right

on time, is to introduce the Cap-i-tain. Our fearless leader

Our hero. Callaghan: Hi, thank you Robert,

I'll take it from here. Just a couple of things I want to go

over. First, welcome all the new staff. Question? Go ahead.

Gerry: No I was just, I was waving...only

Callaghan: Ok #2, this week is the parent/teacher meet and

greet. I want you all to get your game face on for that.

Gerry: This is my game face. Lisa: Oh, good

Robert: I would like to continue if I could by formally

introducing the new staff... beginning with, very happy...

Gerry:Gerry Duncan thank you new to this school, but I have been

substituting for years which is? Lisa: Ah actually harder he says

Gerry: so I'm part of the social studies dept here but as you can

tell my background is in physical education

education du physique

Boom! So - my legs are the same K?

Robert: Thanks Gerry, that's great,

but we should probably get on with the meeting

Callaghan: Oh, oh, oh, sorry Robert...#3

Our rival, St. Pat's, this year again has been rated the

number 1 private school in the city.

We can't have this, now this is our main rival.

This has got to stop. Principal Davis will be rubbing this in my

face again and again. It all starts with our sports teams.

So, Bobbi? Bobbi? Alright this year let's kick

St. Pat's right in the sack!

Bobbi: Yeah - I am on it! Right in the sack Sir! You got it!

Callaghan: Alright everybody. Teach Hard!

Gerry: I'm going to teach so hard

Gerry: See where that Phys Ed. teacher went?

Lisa: I'm actually a little nervous

Gerry: I don't get nervous, I have the gift of the gab and

teaching's just gabbing to kids really.

Lisa: I shouldn't be nervous, I have a masters in education

and a PhD in mid-evil history...so.

Gerry: Well I have a masters in people and a PhD in natural

ability, so. Lisa: Yeah - those aren't real.

Gerry: Real to me. Robert: Running in the hall

Mr. Stratton? Congratulations you have the honor of being my

first detention of the year. Gerry:Can I steal him for a sec?

What a hard ass huh? Boy: Yeah!

Gerry: Don't run, speed walk, I was almost in the Olympics for

this. You can't get in trouble. Watch. Tell me when to say go.

Boy: Go! Gerry: No, wait til I'm ready.

Ok I'm ready. Boy: Go!

Gerry: Watch! Slow, k, see that? See? It's all right there feet

on the ground. Whew, see? Bobbi: [blows whistle] Alright!

Stretch it out, hold for 10. Nice, you guys look great

Gerry: Those are some interesting stretches

Bobbi: Just a warm up really. Gerry: Well, they should

probably run first, but it's your class, so...

Bobbi: well they're training for a half marathon so I'm limiting

their running right now Gerry: half marathon? I finish

my marathons, but that's just me. Anyway, if you want some

help from a fellow phys ed'er. I am at your beckon call.

Bobbi: Actually, you know what? They need someone to coach the

5/6 girls basketball team. How 'bout that?

Gerry: Done! I will coach anything. Let's do it up!

Bobbi: Yeah, just because you can do that doesn't mean you can

coach. Gerry: Watch...anyway!

Gerry: Hello, Miss Trudy Walsh! Hello, Hello

I need to make a little announcement. Just a...

Trudy: What kind of announcement?

Gerry: Ahh very important one. Seriously!

Trudy: Ok, alright Gerry: Thank you Trudy!

Gerry: Check, check. What's up homies of Xavier Academy?

Mr. D in the house, in, in the school.

this is an emergency, emergency announcement. Pay attention.

Please stop. Listen, this is an emergency announcement.

Today, after school in the gym, there will be a grade 5/6 girls

basketball tryout in the school after with me the coach,

I'm the new coach of the team. Today after school in the gym.

After school, i'm excited! Trudy: Give me that!

Gerry: Ah, Thank you. Trudy: That was some emergency!

I just hope Principal Callaghan didn't hear that! And if he

didn't I might have to tell him. Gerry: What's it gonna cost

to keep your silence? Trudy: Here!

Gerry: This Friday McGillicuddy's an evening with

Sleetwood Knack. Trudy: Fleetwood Mac tribute

band. [sings] lead vocal's. I'll tell ya what? You bring a

friend and your secret's safe with me.

Gerry: Ya know what? I think you should just tell him.

I'm sorry about bothering you. Sleetwood Knack...ha!

Gerry: [blows whistle] bring it in please. Hello...

hello, hello ladies! Might wanna get a strap for those.

This is gonna be fun. Let me tell you how my tryouts work.

You may notice 3 large cutouts that look distinctly like me...

That's because they are me, from when I was in high school

where I played a lot of high school intramural basketball.

This is how the tryouts work. If you are not as tall as the first

Mr. D, then you, ok, exactly, no you unfortunately, I'm sorry

We're gonna cut 'cha, you are not even close to that size ok?

alright? Why don't you go down the hall and audition for Annie?

Ok? The sun will come out tomorrow ok? Let's give her

a hand. She got cut, but she got cut with dignity.

So that's good she handled that well I like to see that alright?

Ah, Glasses let me see you up here.

Glasses: My name is Gabby Gerry: You're now Glasses

cause I give everybody nicknames. If I cut you...

you can go back to Gabby. Wait, let's see if you're as tall

here please... No...she is not.

Oh! Tippy toes! Good thinking! Smart, ambition,

desire to make the team, that is awesome!

Everybody have a seat please. Alright? I'm going to show you

what I expect from you in the scrimmage. Some of this...

a little bit of that... some of this...

Ok, I don't have the right shoes on. Bring the right shoes.

I forgot mine. You'll lose the ball. Come on up here.

Let me see you please. Stand by this for a sec.

Put your hand up...good! On the team!

Probably the captain. You ever played basketball?

Doesn't matter...you are on the team! You are now Sasquatch!

Come on back up here glasses. I'm going to show you a pick.

This is what we're going to use to free up space once we know

who our best player is. Ok? Run by me.

Go ahead, run by me. Ok? That is a pick.

Alright? Let me give you a hand there, someone should help her.

That's why you need a strap! Give her a hand

for participating. We're gonna have fun.

Bill: How was your first day at school.

Gerry: Pretty amazing actually. Bill: So now you gotta teach

everyday? eh? That sucks. Gerry: It's amazing!

Bill:What are you talking about? Gerry: I get my own class, I get

to coach. Bill: who do they got you coaching?

Gerry:Grade 5/6 girls basketball Bill: Challenging

Gerry: Well they kind of suck right now. Some of the

girls are actually worse than you. But we'll have fun, I guess

Bill: Worse than me? You can't even do a left handed lay up.

Gerry: I told you, I come from the right side on purpose.

I don't need to... Bill: You guys are going to lose

every game, I guess you're ok with that, that's fine.

Gerry: Dude, these are the players I have.

Bill: you could recruit better players.

Gerry: Recruit a 12 yr old girl? What do I do, just go to an

online chat room? Is that what you'd do?

Bill: or you could just go to a school and introduce yourself

call her parents. Gerry: Nice! Another cooler!

Bill: Yes, sir! Here you go Geraldine, yeah

Gerry: Rock on! Gerry, you know that

Bill: Done! Gerry: Done...

Bill: This is Anne Murray Elementary, I heard a

teacher here got stabbed in the leg by a kindergarten kid

Gerry: There she is... Candice Williams

Best under 13 player in the city See her? I'm goin, I'm goin!

Bill: Yeah, I'm coming Gerry: No, stay here, honk if a

teacher comes. Bill: That's my job? Honk?

Gerry: double honk if it's the cops. Come here,

give me a boost. Bill: No, I can't

Gerry: Ughhh, ahhh

Gerry: Hello little ladies

Just wondering if I could have a minute alone

here with your friend

It's ok, full time teacher.

Girl: We'll go. For twenty bucks.

Gerry: Why don't you just go, or else.

Gerry: Ok, twenty bucks, that's fair. Not a bad deal

actually for something like this Girl: Go!...Loser!

Gerry: I'm not a loser. Show me the ball Candice

That's right, I know your name.

How would you like to learn some of this?

Want to come to Xavier Academy? Play some ball?

free ride, coached by moi?

Candice: Does he teach at your school?

Gerry:Does who teach there? Bill I told you to stay in the car

Come on! You made me lose the ball

Candice: It'll be cool if he taught at your school.

Teacher: Hey! Hey you!

Gerry: Tell you're parents I'm going to call them. Bill, let's

go, code red! Let's go. I give you one job was to honk the horn

Hurray! Nice! Don't! Come here. Bill: I'm going to carry you.

Bill: Fireman's...this is embarrassing!

Gerry: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Put me down.

Callaghan: DUNCAN! Heard you've been lurking around Anne Murray

Elementary School! Talking to some grade 6 girls?

Gerry: Yeah, I was actually, ah trying to recruit a

Candice Will...ah Candice Williams, basketball

Callaghan: Awesome! Gerry: Ahhh

Callaghan: St. Pat's has been trying to get her for two years.

Davis will be furious when he finds out we've got her. That

guy drives me nuts, I will personally tell him myself.

Gerry: You should tell him..who? Callaghan: Principal Davis,

St. Pat's, pay attention Gerry: Yes, ok, yes

Callaghan: Hey! Davis! Guess who's the new #1 ranked private

school? I cannot wait to make that call!

Gerry: Ok, you seem a little crazy right now.

Callaghan: Huh?

Gerry: I don't think I said anything.

Callaghan:Right, good teach hard Gerry: K

Gerry: Ren-ai, sound out, ren-ai, sound it out.

Gerry: Ok,

Who can tell me what caused the Renaissance?

Gerry: Yes Student: Um, a war?

Gerry: A war, what's your name? Student: Jonathan

Gerry: Jonathan. How many people agree with Jonathan?

Gerry: You can't vote for yourself. Nobody?...Yes?

Student: I don't think anything 'caused' the Renaissance.

Gerry:Ok that's a theory as well nothing caused the Renaissance.

Alright, open your books, write this down please for homework

you can't come in here every day question, question, question.

I'm not going to spoon feed you. You need to do some of this

yourself. Look this up tonight for homework:

What caused the Renaissance? Please make sure you spell it

correctly. As I have done on the board, and if you find nothing

caused the Renaissance when you go home tonight - why?

[Bell rings] Gerry: Ok good, now you can go. Thank you.

Potatoes, potato, hanging out with the potato. Potatoooo....

fries, salt and pepper. That's mine, do not steal that. That is

my little, my little shake that I do ok? Let me know if you see

anybody do that please seriously cause that's my thing. Alright?

I don't want anyone doing that. K?

Actually you know what? I'm checking!

Gerry: Are you hungover? Lisa: Ha, no, no I'm not

hungover. Today was way worse than I thought. I mean, I

thought that the kids would like the fact that I'm prepared and

really wanting to help them learn.

Student: Ow! Lisa: I had a seating chart,

and a lesson plan. They hated me.

Gerry: You're too by the book, you're too serious. Relax, have

fun. Loosen up a little bit. See what I did when that kid walked

That's the kind of stuff you do...right? They love that.

Lisa: That, that's, that's who I am, I'm "teachery" you know?

I, I don't know what else to be other than structured and

organized. Gerry: Try not to be yourself.

Lisa: Ha....

Gerry: Being yourself's not working

Lisa: Thanks Gerry: Trust me.

Gerry: Did I do drugs in high school?...not sayin...

Did I cheat on tests? Many times...

Did I steal from other kids lockers? Never proven...

But now [knock at the door]

Hi, Mrs Williams, nice to meet you. Hello, Mr. Williams.

Seat right up front...no, those seats are taken, sorry.

Yup - here you go. Ok, thank you. Welcome.

Have a seat. Mrs Williams: Thank you

Mr Williams: you said something about a scholarship?

Gerry: Yes, the wheels are in motion, so just sit back and

relax, and listen. And you will see why Candice should be at

Xaviar Academy, ok?

Ok...oh - almost forgot. Ta da! Mrs Williams: Thank you.

Gerry: No problem. Ok...I am Mr. Duncan, that's not what your

kids call me though...Mr. D 'cause it's easier to say.

Parent: Mr Duncan doesn't seem hard

Gerry: Not for you, what about our immigrant students?

Chinese Parent: Mr. Duncan, very easy.

Gerry: Ok, what about the really, really immigrant

students? Like people that speak the click language?

Click, click, that's Mr. D.

Chinese parent: What are our kids going to learn?

Gerry: Excellent question! Besides Marcel and Celine...

who can name the other two Dion quintuplets?

This guy can! They'll learn about that! They'll learn about

our above ground railroad, the Via Rail, remember when that was

put in? They'll also learn about the underground railroad

ok...our subway system

Pretty amazing huh? Principal would now like to meet you

Mr. Williams: I'm afraid, Mr Duncan, we're going to keep

Candice in her current school. Gerry: What?

We're going to give her a scholarship.

Mrs Williams: we want our daughter to learn and as far as

we can tell. You seem to place a lot of emphasis on sports and

less on academics. Gerry: You don't think I'm smart

Go ahead, grill me, ask me some questions

Mrs. Williams: Excuse me? Gerry: Go ahead, anything

academic, ask me. Mr. Williams: Um, who was the

first man on the moon? Gerry: Louis Armstrong, Lance

Armstrong, I corrected myself that counts...next!

Mr. Williams: Who was the first US president?

Gerry: Pass. Next question Mrs Williams: This is silly Mr

Duncan, good luck with the team. Gerry: Yeah, you don't get the

basket. That's right.

Callaghan: Gerry! Where's my little all-star?

I'm gonna call Davis right now!

Robert: Sir, no cell phones in school

Gerry: We didn't get her Sir, she's going to St. Pat's.

Callaghan: What?? Gerry: I'm just kidding.

Sorry, um, she's going to stay where she's at.

Callaghan: Why? What happened? Gerry: I don't know, the parents

they came, and they listened and then they quizzed me...and I

don't know, it happened so fast. Callaghan: Disappointing Duncan,

very disappointing.

Robert: Now you've made him angry

Gerry: you didn't hit the rim, stop spinning Gabby.

Don't dance...why would you dance?

[Sigh's]

Lisa: Hey Gerry! I had the most amazing night tonight with the

parents! I gave them my yearly plan and the loved the famous

quotations I put up on the wall. Gerry: I got famous quotes too

Lisa: Blame yourself...we're all really alone...ha...wow...

Gerry: I just lost the best basketball player in the city

and now I'm left with a cute little ballerina

we are not going to win a game. Lisa: She is cute, ok well maybe

you can try and have a little bit more fun with it.

Not be so serious and... Hey, hey maybe you can just try

try and not be yourself. You know - maybe that'll work

'cause yourself's not working, ha, trust me...haha

Gerry: Nice play Lisa: Thanks

Gerry: I'm gonna go help her.

Gerry: Thanks Lisa: No problem.

Lisa: And - never give up EVER! That's your saying

Gerry: use the backboard Glasses. Ok forget that.

Let's play a game called Princess, your job is to get the

princess to the castle. Ok? And it's a Chinese princess.

How's that? But! There's also a mean dragon also Chinese.

played by me. Glasses: But you're not Chinese.

Gerry: Yeah, but, that's just the game, that's the way the

game is. So, here we go, are you ready? Alright Glasses, let's

see if you can get by me, get by me, get by the dragon.

Nope, ok ah she's dead, don't touch her

CPR, ok let's try it again.

Ok, mean dragon, but this dragon's not so mean.

This is a nice dragon, that's going to lift the princess up

There ya go! Glasses: I did it! Yes, yes, yes

Gerry: Ok but I helped ya though I can't lift ya during the game.

Gabby's Mom: Come her Gabby Glasses: I have to go now Sir.

Gerry: I see ya got a strap! Glasses: See you at practice

tomorrow sir Gerry: See ya Strap, that's your

new nickname, Strap. I got something for ya ok?

Sing-dan-fai-lo to my song-li-fai-lo

Strap:I don't know I don't speak Chinese. What does that mean?

Gerry: Ok, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Strap: But it's not either of them.

Gerry: Yeah, but it's coming, so. Potato?

Strap: I really have to go now, Bye Sir!

Gerry: you could potato, it takes 2 seconds for fries and uh

I could still cut you...