Original subtitles

- Guess who. - Give me a hint.

Okay, but no peeking.

- I know you. - Yes.

What?

I can't believe the first time I looked into your eyes...

...I didn't instantly know you were the man I'd spend my life with.

- So did you find a movie you wanna see? - No, actually.

I wasn't able to get past your piece on the Zarate crime family.

- It's first-rate. - Thank you.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck with page-three novelty robberies.

No, your piece on the museum robbery was excellent.

A thief who can climb a seven-story building, enter through a vent...

...and then escape, without setting off the alarm?

- Very good stuff. - You think?

Absolutely.

Whoever's pulling off this thing must be as agile as a monkey.

"Seven stories... Air vent... Apparent acrobatic ability. "

Dad.

Dad?

I knew it. Daddy, you promised me.

Didn't we just have this conversation?

Well?

Call me unreasonable, but I refuse to discuss this with a primate.

I have half a mind to call the SPCA.

This switching bodies with innocent animals, it's gotta stop.

You know I can't leave the house in my own body, kitten.

- There's a price on my head, remember? - Yes, I remember.

And don't call me kitten. It makes me nervous.

How am I supposed to provide for us...

...if I have to stay locked up in here like some...? Some...?

- Animal? - I was trying to avoid the irony.

Anyway, I promised your mother, on her deathbed, I'd look after you.

Mom is not dead. She ran off to be an investment banker.

I'd rather think of her as dead.

The point is, Becky, you mean the world to me.

That's what this last job was about.

That's why I'm gonna get out from underneath this price...

...that Little Tony put on my head once and for all.

Really? Little Tony agreed to cancel the contract?

Not exactly. I'm gonna cancel it.

- But only Little Tony can do that. - That's why I'll be Little Tony.

You're gonna switch bodies with a Mob boss?

Just for a while, until I clear up this mess.

Even if it could be done, you can't get near Little Tony.

- You won't last for two minutes. - Right.

That's why I have to get into a body of someone that can get near Little Tony.

- Like who? - Like...

Like him.

- How is it, boss? Good? - I'm undecided.

It lacks a certain esprit de la beau.

You was there when Kent interviewed me. How did I come across?

- Real good. Stylish. - I thought so too.

How come I feel like I'm reading about some kind of gangster?

- He don't know you, boss. - I ain't satisfied.

Arrange another sit-down with Kent. We'll explain things to him.

- Good idea, boss. - What else you got? Come on, let's go.

Well, we think maybe Woody Samms is back in town.

- Woody Samms, you seen him? - Somebody's been pulling some jobs.

- It looks like his sig. We're looking into it. - Unbelievable.

Guy steals from me, then has the nerve to come back and pull more jobs.

I want this mook found.

I want him turned over to Doc, chopped up, freeze-dried...

...and made into little doggy biscuits for Pepino here.

My baby.

So prowling the night in the body of a lithe cat...

...or scaling sheer walls in the form of the frolicsome monkey...

...wasn't enough for you, huh?

You return to Asabi for the secret of human-to-human body-soul transfer?

Look, could we just do this? It's not safe for me to be out in the open.

I got the money. You want it or don't you?

All the ancient gods cry out to Asabi from the nether reaches...

...imploring him not to share the sacred knowledge.

But what the heck.

But before I impart to you the secret of the ancients...

...I must bid you warning.

What you seek is a power straight from the pits of Barathrum.

To exile a man from his body, to take possession...

...there are many dangers. - I'll do whatever it takes.

Very well. But know this:

There is no guarantee the transfer will hold.

The displaced soul would always attempt to fight its way back to its rightful body.

Not a problem. I only need the body temporarily.

I'll be back in my own skin before you know it.

Fine.

This is the Zelig stone.

It contains properties for transformation.

You must clasp it onto the palm of the one you wish to inhabit.

When you feel the other's heart beating in time with your own...

...as if it were your own...

...only then you may take possession.

Sorry about having to do this on our day off, honey.

But I promise you, I'll make it up to you tonight.

How does dinner at Les Bardeaux sound? Candlelight, violins...

Why don't we light some candles here.

And I'll go out later and pick up some steaks and a bottle of wine.

Clothing optional.

- You are making me weak. - Wait till tonight.

Kryptonite's got nothing on me.

I should go. Little Tony should be getting out of church right about now.

Did he say what this impromptu meeting was about?

No. But I'm guessing that he didn't like what he read.

You remind him that when he agreed to the interview...

...you told him it wasn't a PR piece.

If he wanted that, he should've hired a publicist.

If he gives you any lip or tries to intimidate you at all...

...pull a Mike Wallace. Take out a tape recorder.

Because guys like Tony taste their breakfast when they see tape recorders.

In fact, I think I might have mine around here somewhere.

Lois, honey.

Oh, I see. So you're... You're all set.

Well, have a nice time with your gangster.

I can't believe what you're saying.

I'm just not sure I like the idea of my father taking over the body of a mobster.

I mean, that means you'll be a mobster. You're sort of bad enough now.

I told you, it's only gonna be for a couple of days.

Just so I can cancel that death order.

What happens when Little Tony goes back to his old self?

- You think he won't reinstate it? - So I haven't figured out every tiny detail.

Right now, let's just worry about making the switch.

I must have been crazy to get within a mile of Little Tony.

But all is fine.

When Little Tony gets here, I'm gonna be safe and sound...

...tucked away in Clark Kent's body.

- You got the sedative? - Yes.

Hey, get ready. There's Kent.

Clark Kent. I thought that was you. Hey, I read you all the time.

You sure know how to expose the seamy underbelly of a candy-coated Metropolis.

- Thank you. Thank you very much. - I'd love to buy you a drink.

Oh, that's very nice, but I'm waiting for someone right now. Sorry.

Well, I'll leave you alone. But before I go, let me shake your hand.

Oh, sure. Sure.

- Yes. Becky, now. - Sorry.

All right, now we gotta stash the body someplace.

Little Tony can't see me... Him here.

I'll help you drag him over this way.

- Daddy. - Sorry.

This Kent guy's stronger than he looks.

He's still alive.

Good. Because I'm gonna need that body back.

Daddy, is that really you?

- Really me, princess. - How do you feel?

Well, this Kent guy must eat right or something...

...because I feel better than I've ever felt in my entire life.

Duck down.

Okay, Woody, just play it real easy.

You're Clark Kent, reporter.

All set with your loan docs, Mr. Davis. Just sign in every place I've indicated.

- Yeah, ma 'am. Seven bucks even. - All right, here's a tip. Keep the change.

A quarter for 10 minutes.

Until we reach our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet...

... keep those seat belts fastened.

- Dad, are you all right? - You don't have to shout.

I'm fine. Fine.

What kind of drug is this Kent guy on?

Houston, I'm seeing unidentified debris outside the shuttle.

It looks like a piece of park bench.

Lois. Lois.

Kent, I got a bone to pick with you. What's wrong?

You got this look on your face.

You know what? I gotta go.

Why don't you guys feed the pigeons or whatever. I have to get some air.

What are you talking about? What's he talking about? Kent, come back here.

Dad? I mean, Mr. Kent?

Mr. Kent, come back.

Oh, man. Man!

Big mistake. Oh, big mistake.

This guy's some kind of freak.

Why does that look so familiar?

Wait a minute.

No way.

No way.

Okay, calm down. Calm down. Just relax.

How cool is this?

I'm not on drugs.

I'm Superman.

Okay.

Something in the park.

Red Kryptonite, maybe.

All right, how the heck does he do this part?

Oh, yeah.

This is gonna be so cool.

Lois?

Yeah, boss.

Guess who I just bumped into. Woody Samms.

Yeah, right out in the open.

You bet I will, boss.

Lois. Lois, something's happened.

- Excuse me? - Lois, I don't know how it happened.

It happened so fast. This guy came up to me in the park.

I'm dizzy. Take me home and put me in a tub or something.

Listen, back off, pal.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Do you want me to drop you right here? Because I can.

Hey, this fellow bothering you?

Yes, officer, he is.

What? Lois.

Officer, there's some misunderstanding. This woman is my wife.

- I've never seen him before in my life. - Okay, buddy. Let's go.

- Why are you doing this? - You can sleep it off downtown.

- Put your hands on top of the car. - Some guy in the park drugged me.

Always somebody else's fault. The person you should be looking at is yourself.

Wait. Wait a minute.

Lois.

Lois.

- Dad? - Yeah, honey, it's me.

- Where have you been? - Shopping.

This Kent guy's got more credit cards...

- Hot wife too. - What happened?

Tiny change in plans. I've decided not to take Little Tony's body.

I'm keeping this one instead.

- Keeping it? Why? - Well, you know...

...I tried it on and it just looked so good on me.

Giving it a little bit of a different style, though.

Dad, Clark Kent didn't do anything to you. You can't just take his body.

It's not like I left him without a body. He's got my old one.

Yeah, exactly. Which happens to have a contract out on it.

I mean, every thug in Metropolis is gonna be gunning for him.

Don't you worry about that. I'll take care of Little Tony myself.

He won't bother Kent or anyone else when I'm through with him.

You're gonna get Clark Kent's body killed.

Trust me, kitten, that ain't gonna happen.

You have no idea how safe you are.

Nothing bad is ever gonna happen to you from now on.

- What are you talking about? - Trust me on this, kitten, I...

You. You're the girl from the park.

Weird. For a minute there, I thought I was inside a jail cell.

You were back in your own body. That's what happened.

Clark Kent was arrested this afternoon. You switched places for a second.

I think you're right.

Dad, he's trying to get back into his own body. You have to let him.

Yeah, yeah, he's trying to get back in. Could be a problem.

We are closed. Come back tomorrow.

- Or now is fine. - He's trying to get back in.

Can it be? It is you.

This is the body you've stolen? Are you mad?

You couldn't settle for, I don't know, Michael Jordan?

- It had to be this? - Look, I didn't plan it this way.

It just sort of happened.

But he's trying to get back in. Now, how do I stop him?

You can't. You will almost surely lose this battle.

It is only a matter of time before he takes back what is his.

Wrong answer.

But I don't understand. Who posted my bail?

- Your lawyer. - My lawyer?

Hi.

There is a way.

If you wish to remain in this body, his soul must die.

He must be released from the body he now inhabits, into the next world...

...where he would no longer have claims to the flesh.

But it must be done soon.

- Why? - The longer he lives and battles...

...the more damage is done. - What damage?

Your soul is like an invading organism in this vessel.

Even now, this body you inhabit is being destroyed.

- But this is Superman's body. - Precisely.

And so it needs Superman's spirit to survive.

Unless you release that spirit from this world and end the struggle...

...you make the body uninhabitable for anyone.

You or him.

So you're telling me I have to kill him?

Kill my old body.

That is what I am saying, yes.

- Hello? - Lois. Lois, it's me.

Who?

Miss Lane, I have a story for you. Something I think you'll wanna hear.

Well, call me tomorrow at the Planet. Today's my day off.

- Who was that? - Oh, nobody.

When did you get home? And what is that outfit?

Little Tony's idea. He said I was dressing too boring.

Well, what you won't do for a story.

It's kind of sexy, though, in a tasteless, tacky...

...Married to the Mob meets The A-Team sort of way.

Listen, sweetheart, I gotta ask you...

Have any strangers been by today?

- Looking for me, maybe? - Strangers? Like who?

Funny guy. Good-looking in a virile, silver-fox kind of way.

Actually, there was this guy when I was shopping.

Sort of fits that description. But I wouldn't call him virile.

Actually, more creepy. He wanted my help.

He thought I was his wife. But it was sort of weird, though.

- I had this feeling like I knew him. - Nope. Different guy.

- So, what smells so good? - Steaks.

Why don't you change from this ridiculous outfit...

...and I'll go check on them. The sooner we eat, the sooner we get to dessert.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah. I was back in my own body.

A little longer this time.

Becky, I know where he is. I was in my own house.

- He's with Lois. I gotta get to her. - Wait a minute. You can't go out there.

It's not safe. Little Tony's men will still be looking for you.

- I don't care. - Well, I do.

That's my dad's body you're in. I don't want anything to happen.

I gotta get to my wife.

- God, you really love her, don't you? - Yes.

Is it okay if I just pretend for a while that you really are my father?

I kind of like him like this.

Is something wrong? You haven't touched it.

No, I'm fine. I just had a big lunch, that's all.

Well, how about we move on to a little dessert?

Sure, yeah. That sounds great.

I wasn't planning on serving it down here.

You mean, you wanna:

With me.

Well, it's all right. We're married, remember?

Yeah, right. Good.

Why don't you put on some music and I'll be right back.

Sure thing.

This just in:

The bloody standoff between police and the transit-bombing terrorists...

... continues at this hour.

We'll bring you developments as they happen.

Honey?

- Did you hear that? - Hear what?

Just now, on the news. The terrorists.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Awful, awful thing. I guess it's just the times we live in.

- You look good. - Thanks.

Don't you think you should, you know...?

Yeah, sure. I'll... right now.

Let me just get the bed pulled back and we can... all night...

Clark. The terrorists.

Don't you think Superman should take care of that first?

Oh, right. Yeah. Of course.

You just...

...hold that pose. I'll be back in a flash.

"Terrorists. " Woman really knows how to kill a mood.

Lois, don't panic. I'm not gonna hurt you.

But you have to listen to me. You turn around and look at me, okay?

- You. - Now, honey...

Who are you to call me "honey"?

It's me. It's me, honey.

Lois, it's me, Clark.

I can prove it.

Honey, it's me.

Blue Unit, respond. Blue Unit, respond.

Damn. Cut off.

- Superman. Thank heavens you're here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can we get on with it? I'm in the middle of something.

Right. Look, okay, here's the situation, Superman.

The perps are heavily armed and they've barricaded themselves in these areas.

Right.

One thing I'll say for the Man of Steel: doesn't waste any time.

Well, here you go, boys. Bag them and tag them.

- Thanks, Superman. - No problemo.

Kind of fun, actually.

This superhero stuff's a cinch.

"Your spirit is poisoning this body. " Yeah, right.

If anything else, it's making it stronger.

I'm bleeding?

Lois, the first time you looked into Clark's eyes...

...you said you should have recognized him for the man he was.

Look into mine now.

If anyone can see past this shell and into my soul, it's you.

Come on, honey. No glasses. It should be a snap for you.

Don't move.

Oh, my God. Clark, it is you.

- What happened? - He stole my body and left me in this.

So then, that wasn't...?

I knew there was something weird about the way he kissed me.

- Nothing happened. - It's okay.

- I've been trying to get to you all day. - I wouldn't listen to you. I'm so sorry.

- It's not your fault. You didn't know. - What you must've been going through.

- Clark, you're burning up. - Yeah. Lois, I'm sick.

I think this body's sick. I think it's dying.

- Dying? - I don't know how much time I have.

- I've gotta get my own body back. - He knows your secret.

He's looking for you.

That's not good.

I keep finding myself back in my own body, but never for very long.

He keeps pushing me out again.

Every time it happens, I seem to get weaker.

As long as he's you, he's unstoppable.

We have to take him when he's not expecting it.

You have to get him to relax. But you can't let on that you know.

Okay.

Here's the phone number where I'm staying. It's a motel.

Call me when he's most vulnerable.

You're leaving?

Honey, I can't stay here. He'll be looking for me.

I don't care what body you're in, I'm with you no matter what.

That was some forward flip.

I love you.

Everything's all set.

Becky, you okay?

He found me right after you went inside.

Woody Samms. Little Tony would like a word with you.

A last word.

- I'm so sorry about this. - It's not your fault.

No, it's my father's. I'm so ashamed of him.

Woody Samms. You look pretty good for a dead guy.

Take the girl out of here, she shouldn't see this.

No, wait. Leave him alone!

He's not who you think he is! You've got the wrong man!

- Let her go, it's the father you want. - You're making a terrible mistake!

- No. We keep her around just in case. - Just in case of what?

- Case you don't tell what I wanna know. - What do you wanna know?

That jewelry you stole belonged to my grandmother. I want it back.

Tell me where it is, and I'll make your death quick.

Refuse, and it's gonna take a little longer.

Sorry, I've been a little off today.

Where've you been?

What do you mean? I was taking care of those terrorists.

- You think that's easy? - No. No, of course not.

I just heard the reports that you got them to surrender over an hour ago.

Well, I stopped for a drink.

What do you wanna do, bust my chops about that too?

No, no. Of course not.

Clark, you're bleeding.

Oh, yeah, that. Well, you know...

Let me see anyone else get out of that with just a scratch.

They fired 5, 600 rounds at me. It was...

I'm tired.

- You are? - Yeah.

Well, dear, why don't we do what we usually do.

Remind me again.

You just lay back here and relax.

- I'll take care of everything. - Oh, good.

You sure this is the same Woody Samms? I don't remember him being this tough.

- I don't know, boss. He's just taking it. - I haven't got time for this.

Doc, he's all yours.

Let's get out of here. I've wasted enough time on this.

Becky! Becky! Becky!

Forget the girl. Get out of here!

Come on, Clark. Answer.

- Where is he? - Why don't you use the auto-redial.

Guess you can't.

- Becky! Becky! - In here! I'm in here!

Help!

He's been here. You've talked to him.

Tell me what you know.

Come on, make this easy on yourself...

...and him.

I'm not fooling around here, lady. Now, tell me where he is.

It doesn't matter what you do to me. He'll find you and he'll stop you.

- He's gonna stop Superman? - He is Superman.

- Not anymore, lady. I'm Superman now. - You'll never be Superman.

It's not the suit, it's not even the powers.

It's something you'll never have: character.

To be Superman, you have to care about something.

- Something other than yourself. - Real inspiring.

Now, tell me where he is.

- No. - Okay.

Help! Help! Daddy, help me!

Becky?

- Help! - What's happened? Where's Becky?

Inside. You've gotta go in there and get her.

- I'm afraid. - What?

Get over it. You're invulnerable. Trust me on this.

I don't think that's true. Look. I got shot, look.

Turns out, I'm poison to this body. I think it's breaking down because of me.

Help! Help!

The flames from the fire, I can feel them. It's hot.

It'll sting, but it won't kill you. Becky won't be so lucky.

Now, go in there and get her.

Daddy, help!

Help me!

What if I can't?

- You have to do it. - I can't.

Yes, you could. You could do it in this body.

Please. She's the only thing I care about. You've gotta save her.

- We have to do this fast. - Take my hand.

Help! Help! I'm in here!

Somebody, please, help me!

Somebody help! Help me!

You let me down, Doc. Take the dog.

Now, it's simple. I want you to...

- Clark! - No, Becky.

That's not Clark. It's your father.

Daddy.

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

Becky, your father's the one that got Superman here.

And when he realized that I was in danger too...

...he saved me by giving me back my body.

He took all the danger on himself.

Did anybody here witness what happened?

I'm proud of you, Daddy.

Oh, Daddy, don't leave me.

Come on, Pepino. Come to Daddy. Come on.

Daddy, don't leave me.

Come on, Tony. You won't need a dog where you're going.

Amazingly, only one fatality was suffered in the blaze.

The victim was identified as Woody Samms, 45, of Metropolis.

Guess who.

I don't have to guess. I'd know you anywhere.

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