All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s09e11 Granny Nanny.eng

-Hey, Vanessa.
-Hmm?

Do I look hot?

-You look cute as a button,
as always, Jen. -[sighs]

Great compliment
if I was a kitten.

You packing Mr. Baxter's lunch?

[laughs] I am getting
Sarah's diaper bag ready.

Mandy's on her way to pick
her up. She's still napping.

Hmm, kids sure need
a lot of stuff

considering they don't do anything.

What they really need
is their gwammy-gwam

[baby talk]: who lubs 'em
so very, very much. Mwah.

I've been talking to toddlers
all day. Hard to break.

Harder to listen to.

Well, after they leave,
I am going on a training run.

I'm doing a half-triathlon
for my birthday.

It's, uh, it's a big one.
[laughs]

Kind of a milestone.

Oh, that's right.
How old will you be?

Well, there's three parts.

Uh, running,
swimming and biking.

It's gonna be a lot of work,

but we got to prove to 'em
we still got it.

But which birthday is it?

Yeah, that's right. Sounds fun.

MANDY:
Oh, Mom.

-Thank you,
thank you, thank you. -Hey. Hi.

-I'm so sorry that I'm late.
-Oh, that's fine.

-It's more time
for Sarah and Gwammy. -[chuckles]

Okay, well, I'm sorry to ask,

but I have to pick up
some fabrics tomorrow

for a freelance job.
Could you...?

Of course. You know what,
bring her for breakfast.

She loves
my famous mashed bananas.

-Mmm. Who doesn't?
Nummy. [laughs] -Yeah.

Also, the job may take
till Friday,

-so...
-So, bring her every day. Look, I wub it.

-Well,
Kyle's waiting in the car. -Okay.

-You're the best. I love you.
-Bye. Love you. Love you.

You look hot, Jen.

Thank you,

Mandy.

-[exhales]
Hi, guys. What... Hey. -EVELYN: Mommy!

Yes, sweetie.
Yes, I see you in the sandbox.

Mwah!
[chuckles]

That's the greatest thing
Dad ever made.

I mean, besides me, obviously.
[chuckles]

Whoa, Mom.

Uh, you working on a road crew?

No, I'm training

to do a half-triathlon
for my birthday.

Don't ask which one.

KRISTIN:
Sweet. Uh,

listen, I hate to ask, but, uh,

can you watch Evelyn
for a couple hours?

-I've got
a management course, and... -You go,

go, go.
Gwammy loves the sandbox.

-You're the best.
Okay, I'll be home by dinner. -Mwah.

Oh! Actually, wait.
Uh, Wednesday night,

Ryan and I have this thing if...

Uh, oh, no, done. You know what?

I-I will just, uh,
work out tomorrow. [chuckles]

-Love you. Okay.
-Love you, too.

Whoa.

Jen, you look hot.

How do you not see it?

♪

[alarm beeping]

Mm. Turn off your alarm. Mm.

It's not my alarm.
It's your alarm.

Hmm? Oh.

-Sorry. Oh, gosh.
-[beeping stops]

Old habits.
[sighs]

I was having a great dream.

It was all about
a federal flat tax

and a cap-free interest
on mortgage deductions.

You were in it, too.

My God, you're romantic.

[grunts]

You know, uh...

God, honey, it's 4:00 a.m.

Yeah. I got a swim workout.

Yeah, I heard all that. But
the important thing I just said:

-it's-it's 4:00 a.m.
-[laughs] Yeah.

Well, uh,
I have a jam-packed day.

I mean,
I'm taking Evelyn and Sarah

-to Tumbling Tots graduation.
-Oh.

And then I have
a training session

with the HTTG.

-It's too early for acronyms.
-Yeah.

I got into the Half-Triathlon
Training Group,

and if you miss one session,
they kick you out.

Well, a competition's kind of
a strange way to celebrate

-your fif...
-Hey.

F-Fitness goals.

Exactly. There's only
so many hours in a day,

so that's why
I got to stretch the clock

-and my hamstrings.
-Well,

when I turned f...

-Hey.
-That age,

I just got myself a case
of good Scotch.

And a chain saw and a crossbow.

Because I wanted
safe toys to play with

when I was hammered.

Well, I think it's sweet

-that you are
so worried about me. -I am worried

about you. You need more rest.

No, no, no. Not at all. Look,

I am in the Open Division
with 25-year-olds.

You think those Pilates bodies

that I'm competing against
are sleeping right now?

I'm sure their husbands are.

Look, I can handle this.

Don't you remember
in grad school, I would...

I would go to class,
then work all night

and then study
until the morning?

That's when we thought
Jolt Cola was a health drink.

[chuckles]
All right, relax.

I got this.

All right, okay. So,

you're gonna swim
in your PJs, right?

What year did they introduce
the tail fins?

Come on, that's easy. 1948.

-Give me a hard one.
-Okay. Okay, hotshot.

Um...
[chuckles]

The taillights
on the '68 Shelby Mustang

were previously used

-on what other car?
-Oh, I think I know...

Silence! I know this one.

'66 T-Bird.

-[exhales] Damn, Baxter.
-I totally knew that.

-[both chuckle]
-All right, how about this?

What year
was the AMC Rebel introduced?

[scoffs]
1967.

-Yeah, but it ended in 1970.
-You know, Joe,

we're in the middle
of something right now.

Namely, me becoming
the baron of car trivia. Okay?

Somebody give me a question.
I could be

the car trivia baroness.

Baroness is a woman. This...
And come on, Joe.

This is just a game Chuck and I
are playing right now, okay?

Oh, right.
'Cause you guys are friends.

And once again,
Little Joey's stuck outside

with his nose
pressed against the glass.

"L-Little... Little Joey"?

[chuckles]:
Hey, Joe, you're our friend.

Tell you what. If you want
to be a part of this,

how about you come up

with the trivia questions
next time to ask us.

Okay, you're gonna make me
the stupid host.

He's just a boring guy
that gets to introduce

the interesting guests.

Kind of a job
you were made for, Joe.

Y-You're looking at this
the wrong way.

It's your show.
You have the power.

-That's right.
-JOE: Huh.

You can ask us
any question you want.

-We got to answer it.
-Oh.

Well, if that's the case,
I'll do it.

-Okay.
-Hey, here's a preview question.

Uh, do I get a band?

No.

You asked. I had to answer.

JEN:
Come on,

punk, work!

Don't you want to eat lightning

and crap thunder?

I thought
I was doing pretty good.

Oh, you are.
But I just watched Rocky,

and his coach was very mean.

Although, I read

that the actor,
Burgess Meredith,

-was a lovely man.
-Aw.

-Oh, Mom, you are crushing it.
-Yeah.

Yeah, Mom. That sports bra
is really earning its keep.

[all laugh]

Ooh, and the baby monitor
is quiet.

Oh, our girls must be out.

They hit the wall
after Vanessa took them running

in the tandem stroller.

Yep. Not to brag, but uphill.

JEN:
Mm-hmm.

And that was after
a four-mile swim

-at 4:00 this morning.
-[grunts] There you go.

You know, there was a thin layer
of ice on the surface,

but I just plowed through.
[chuckles] No biggie.

-[chuckles]
-My God, you are incredible.

You have more energy than we do.

Yeah, you're like super Grandma.

-Yeah! Vanessa!
-[whoops]

-[all chanting]:
Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa! -Oh, yeah!

Vanessa? Vanessa?

Vanessa?

What? Crap thunder?

-I just got home.
-[groans]

Were you asleep this whole time?

I don't know.

[gasps]
Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh. Oh, God.
I missed my training group.

Well, it's okay.
I-I can watch the girls

-if you want to go catch up
with your group. -No.

No, no, I blew it.
This is the one where they teach

all the best training methods
to women over...

the moon to run.

-Sorry, Vanessa.
-EVELYN: Grandma,

-where are you? Grandma!
-Oh.

I already feel bad enough.
Get off my back.

Grandma?

Well, thank you
for grabbing these.

Changes the whole vibe in here.

Yeah. Well,
we'll start with the sconces,

and then we'll get
to everything else later.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Oh, Jen!
Ooh, ooh, hit the lights.

Let's see
what these babies can do.

Hands are a little full.

Oh, let me help you.

Oh. That is so sweet.

Got us a housewarming gift.

No. It's some toys
for the girls.

Oh. Still very sweet.

Not sure about the attitude.

Wait, th-these are

the girls' toys
that we keep at Mom's

since they're over so much.

So, so much.

Vanessa won't tell you this,
so I will.

You're exploiting your mother.

She's not your nanny.

Tiny girl, big attitude.

But Mom loves watching
the girls.

She's always so happy
when we pick them up.

Of course she's happy
when you pick them up.

You're picking them up.

Wait, hold on. Last week,

Sarah was only over there
Monday and Thursday.

Yeah, and Evelyn
was only there Tuesday

and Wednesday and Fri...
Okay, yeah, now I hear it.

She has no time for herself.

She missed
her triathlon training group

because she was so exhausted
from watching the girls.

I'm talking
drool-on-the-couch exhausted.

Well, why didn't she
just say something?

She's too loving.

There's an ancient Chinese tale

about a tree
that gives its branches

and apples
and even its very trunk

to the child it loves.

Eventually, there's
nothing left but a stump.

Um, that's not
an ancient Chinese tale.

That's The Giving Tree
by Shel Silverstein.

I don't want
to chop down Vanessa.

Me, either.

Thanks, guys.

I'll see you.

-Bye.
-Bye. -Bye.

I feel terrible.

Are you okay?

[voice breaking]:
He loves the tree.

He just doesn't know how
to love it.

God, being alive is so hard.

JOE:
All right,

-who wants to read my intro?
-Not it.

"Welcome to Car Sharks.

Now here's your host,
Joe Leonard."

Thank you, Johnny!

All right, here we go.

Ring in when you have
the answer.

The correct answer is
worth ten points.

In the movie
Back to the Future...

Uh, it's a 1981 DeLorean DMC-12.

-Mm-hmm.
-That is the correct answer.

For ten points, the split
rear window on this coupe...

-'63 Stingray.
-That's correct.

Man, give us a hard one.
These are too easy.

The first model to feature
a seven-slot grill...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

1945 CJ.

It's a Willys Jeep, my friend.

[chuckling]

All right, it's time
for round two.

For 20 points,
what was Joe's mom's name?

-What?
-Oh...

I'm looking
for Joe's mom's name.

Oh, man, I know this.

It's something old-timey,
like, um,

like Thelma or Louise.

[imitates buzzer]

Grace-- her name was Grace.

I've said it a million times.

Grace, damn it!
Give us another one.

-I don't want another one.
-You have to answer any question

-I ask. You have to answer.
-You did say that.

We're playing a car trivia game.

I thought we'd have
questions about cars.

Oh, yeah, you'd like that,
wouldn't you? 'Cause you know

everything about cars, but
nothing about your friend Joe.

Hey, hey, hey, come on, Baxter.

-Rules are rules.
-Oh, okay.

-Next question.
-[clears throat]

In 1968, Joe got his first cat,

Nigel Tickletail.

What breed was Nigel?

Listen, if we're not gonna
talk about cars,

I got other stuff
I could be doing.

So do I, but thanks
for playing Car Sharks, okay?

The show that shows you
who your friends really are.

Good night!

You know, if I had said yes
to a band,

it could have played him off
right now.

[imitating fanfare]

Ooh, pancakes.

Next time I'll show you
how to make them

into fun little shapes.

These are shapes.

This one's the Earth,
this one's Mars.

Really?

The diameter of Mars is
about half that of Earth's.

Well, the surface of Mars
wouldn't absorb any syrup.

-You want accuracy
or deliciousness? -Oh... okay.

Ooh, good morning.

Hey, good morning.

We're just sitting down
to breakfast.

You guys want to join?

Yeah, I have enough batter

for two and a half Neptunes
or one Saturn.

We forget how fun breakfast is
over here.

We're just,
we're on our way to work.

We just wanted to stop by
and give you this gift basket

-as a thank-you.
-Uh, for what?

And where are those other
two little adorable gifts

you guys usually bring?

Oh, uh, Mandy and Ryan are
dropping them off at day care.

We decided it was time
to let you off the hook

with being a nanny and let you

get back to being a granny.

Uh, but, you know, I don't mind
taking care of the girls, I...

We found a great place.

It's got a playground.
It's great.

Yeah, and-and the slide,
the jungle gym

and that whirly thing can
all handle a fully grown adult.

-Hmm.
-I checked.

Hmm. Uh, okay, well,

uh, thank you. Oh!

This has a hot bath soak
with, uh,

with 84 trace minerals.

Most of those are just for show.

The Epsom salt does
all the heavy lifting.

What we're showing you is
that we appreciate you, Mom.

-Well...
-That's right.

Now go soak
those tired old bones

in those useless minerals.

[door opens]

[door closes]

What the actual hell was that?

What?

It's a good thing.
Isn't it?

Where did they get the idea

that I'm not up to watching
the girl-- You know what,

I'm gonna kill Mike.
I am gonna kill him.

Wait. It was me.

I-I was the one who told them
you needed more time for you.

You did what?

Yeah!
Because you're too selfless.

I told them
you were like that Giving Tree.

No. [sighs]
I am not a stump!

I'm-I'm a big strong... tree!

I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.

I was doing fine until everyone
decided that I need help.

So, you know what,

from now on, just, please,

mind your own business.

You know what,
I'm-I'm taking these salts.

I need a bath.

-[knocking]
-Yeah.

Oh. Hey, Ed.

-Uh, have you seen Kris?
-Yeah.

She and I are gonna have lunch.
She'll be up here

in a few minutes.
You care to sit down?

Why? Because I'm so old?

Oh. And I thought the minefields
in Normandy were scary.

[chuckles]:
Ooh.

I'm sorry.
E-Everyone is just so focused

-on my age recently.
-Ah.

I mean,
Kris thinks I need a break

-from taking care
of my granddaughters. -Hmm.

I see. All right, well...

Well, do you?

No. I-I didn't have any trouble

-when I was taking care of Boyd
when he was little. -Mm.

How old is Boyd now?

-That's not important.
-Uh...

[chuckles]:
I think it is.

You were like a second mother
to him.

Can you imagine
having a kid now?

-Ugh. God forbid.
-[chuckles]

Also, Mike had a vasectomy,
so... [clicks tongue]

I mean,
crawling around on the floor,

-chasing after them, picking up.
-Mm.

I don't know about you,

but I'd be falling asleep
in the middle of the day.

That-that would be embarrassing.

You're at a different stage now.
Just embrace it.

[sighs]
What does that even mean? What?

What, am I supposed to go out
and buy hard candies

and-and take up knitting?

Come on. I-I'm not ready
to be put out to pasture.

Oh. I understand.

Inside,
I feel like I'm 16 or 17.

And every time
I look in the mirror,

I'm shocked to see
my Uncle Ernesto.

[groans]

[laughs]

Well, I hope I never see
my Aunt Florence.

[Ed chuckles]

Come on, now.

Life is changing,
whether you like it or not.

My suggestion: like it.

Well, that is easy to say, Ed.

No, it's a good thing
to do though.

Mark Twain said, "Age is
an issue of mind over matter.

If you don't mind,
it doesn't matter."

All right. I like that.

I'll remember it.

Yeah, but write it down,

because memory's
the first thing to go.

Listen, I was gonna have
this bear claw,

but it's the last one. It's
your favorite. You want that?

Wrong. You know nothing of me.

Are we still talking about this?

Yeah, 'cause I'm the kind of
guy, when I get deeply wounded,

it takes me a long time
to get over it.

But, uh, why would I expect you
to know that?

Listen, you don't know anything
about me.

What-What's my mother's name?

Jean. She was a schoolteacher.

Once bowled a 300.

Okay, this is just weird.

No, I'm just a good friend.

Well, then how come
my skin is crawling?

This isn't what I'd call
friendship.

So how does the great
Mike Baxter define friendship?

Mm. Somebody who doesn't make me
jump through hoops.

Maybe accepts me the way I am.

Sarcastic, distant,
doesn't give a damn?

Nailed it.

So you're like a cat.

Sure, but I'm not gonna rub
against your leg.

Yeah, like a cat. I mean,
your cats like you, right?

Yeah, of course.

All right. But sometimes
they walk up to you,

look at you, you say hi
and they just ignore you.

Well, duh, they're cats.

So am I.

You know, you're right.

You know, I remember
one time Nigel Tickletail,

you know, we would get--

Not-not funny, Baxter!

And stay off the furniture!

Oh, good.
You're home.

Don't worry.
I'll leave you alone.

Also known
as "minding my own beeswax."

No, Jen. Please, just--
Come-come sit down.

Um...

This is for you.
[chuckles]

[chuckles softly]

Wow. A bag of dirt?

Well, it's soil. Um...

You know, I read on the Internet

there's
this ancient Chinese custom

where you give soil
to someone you've wronged.

You know, so for-forgiveness
can grow. [chuckles]

Yeah, I think
that's an ancient Chinese joke.

Besides, I'm the one at fault.

I overstepped.

[stammers]
Sit. Look...

You were only doing

what everyone else
in this family does.

When someone has a problem,
we all come together

and-and we help each other out.

What are you saying?

Sorry to tell you this, Jen,
but you are a Baxter.

[chuckles]

Look, I-I was lashing out at you

because I wasn't being honest
with myself.

The truth is, I'm turning f...

55.

[exhales, scoffs]

I'm turning 55?

Yeah, I'm-I'm turning 55.

Really?

The way you were freaking out,

I thought you were way older
than that.

[chuckles]

Yeah. No, you know what, it
was silly of me not to own it.

I was so focused
on what I was losing

that I kind of lost sight
of what I was gaining.

Mm. You know,
it's true what they say--

people do get wiser
as they get ol--

-Uh-oh.
-No, no, no. It's okay.

Go. You say it. Say it.

...der.

Yes. I am older.

But, you know,
in a lot of ways... [exhales]

-I like myself even better.
-Hmm.

In fact, I think
I'm gonna go for a training run.

You want to join me?

Yeah, of course.

I'm a Baxter.

I'm a Baxter?

-I'm a Baxter.
-Mm!

-You're a Baxter.
-[chuckles]

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

talking about friendship.

It's a compound word made up of
one of the most beautiful things

humans have ever created.

And the other word is "friend."

Man, oh, man,
ships are awesome, aren't they?

The Mayflower, Old Ironsides,

and my favorite,
the badass USS Missouri.

Friends?

Kind of funny,
but there was a funnier show on

on another network.

Sure, I know we're living
in the golden age of bromance.

Men can't stop hugging
each other,

telling each other
how they feel.

I'd say,
"Oh, for crying out loud."

But is crying out loud

something men can't wait to do
with each other?

Listen, when we were kids,

to communicate with each other
was implied.

All you had to do
was share a glance

and be willing to ride our bikes
off a roof

and land in a pile of leaves.

Or just miss the pile of leaves.

The nod was good enough.
Just...

Huh? We were pals. Pals.

Nothing needed to be said
for pals,

except "Should we call
an ambulance or just run away?"

When we were kids,

being pals was enough.

But adults have to have
friendships.

To make matters worse, we have
to talk about those friendships.

No, thanks. Battleships?

I'll talk about them
all day long.

Baxter out.

[chicken clucks]

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