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♪ peaceful music playing ♪

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

‐ I think it's fascinating to be able to go back...

and have a true...

chronological blueprint...

of what it was to grow up as a teenager in the '90s.

And part of me believes that somewhere inside,

that teenage girl knew that she was gonna have a story to tell,

knew that she was gonna go on an adventure

and she was gonna document every fucking second of it,

so that she could share it someday.

[videocassette player rattling]

["Rise" by Eddie Vedder playing]

♪ Such is the way of the world ♪

♪ You can never know ♪

♪ Just where to put all your faith ♪

♪ And how will it grow ♪

♪ Gonna rise up ♪

‐ ♪ Burning black holes in dark memories ♪ HOST: And Soleil Moon Frye!

♪ Gonna rise up ♪

♪ Turning mistakes into gold ♪

‐ Tell me about Punky Brewster.

‐ She has power 'cause, not like magic or anything,

but it's power that she can survive and she's a survivor.

♪

[videocassette rattles]

SOLEIL MOON FRYE: As a teenager,

I carried a video camera with me everywhere I went.

I kept all of my diaries.

I kept every one of my voicemail messages.

I documented everything, and then I locked it away for over 20 years.

I've never looked back at it.

And so I decided to unlock the vault.

This is crazy.

The big question for me was,

did things really happen the way I remembered them?

‐ Let's see what you've got there!

SOLEIL: I look at this like Pandora's box.

What happens once I unlock it?

I don't know the answers, I don't know the ending.

I am absolutely discovering it as we go.

At seven years old, I was cast as Punky Brewster,

and it was in that moment that things changed so much.

Hello, Mrs. Reagan. I'm Soleil Moon Frye.

‐ Are you Punky? ‐ Buzz Aldrin?

‐ Hi. ‐ Wow!

SOLEIL: I don't really know where Punky ended and I began

'cause we were the same in so many ways.

‐ I wanna say we met when you were in the height of the Punky Brewster show.

'Cause I went in for an audition.

But I remember...

that you popped in and were like, "Hi!"

And then like went back to the set, or I don't know.

And then we went to camp together at the Cottontail Ranch.

BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN: I think the first time I met you,

it might have been at your birthday party.

At some hotel.

Johnny Depp and C. Thomas Howell and Bubbles,

Michael Jackson's chimp.

Literally, there were like 12 kids in the business,

so we all knew everyone.

We all knew each other.

‐ I was working on a show called The Outsiders. You were the first person I met.

‐ You were somebody that I looked up to.

And when I got a chance to be on your show, I had such a crush on you already.

‐ Nice meeting you.

‐ Hi! Did you miss me?

‐ Hello, how are you?

‐ Today's Easter.

SOLEIL: Never felt like I didn't have my childhood.

My brother Meeno was six years older.

He would constantly pick up that camera as well.

Oh, my God, Meeno, you are such a dick.

My mom was a single mom raising us.

She had a catering business.

My father was an actor.

He, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, were very good friends

and had all been involved in the civil rights movement.

You all believe that we will overcome, don't ya?

AUDIENCE: Yeah! ‐ So do we.

WOMAN: There's Virgil.

SOLEIL: He wasn't always there as a parent, but they were friends.

[woman laughs]

BRIAN: There was tons of food and it was really like laidback and fun.

Everybody mingling and making a mess and it didn't matter,

and it was like easygoing and...

my house was the complete opposite of that.

‐ Your house had that feeling like that it was a safe place

and that you could hang out there and... and be yourself.

‐ It was the most loving environment.

Your mom was everybody's mom.

It just felt like it was home for so many people.

WOMAN: It was a group of us,

and we were all genuinely friends within our group.

‐ At that point in life,

you have like no red flags to look out for,

you have no hang‐ups about anything.

You're just, you're having fun.

Like, you know, you're not concerned

with having your heart broken or any of that.

You just enjoy everything.

‐ Say yes to the '90s and no to drugs. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Hi. ‐ We're chillin' at Sea World.

‐ Yep. ‐ We're in San Diego.

‐ Brian's gonna do a rap about San Diego.

♪ Yo, we're here in San Diego ♪

♪ Bruv, take it over ♪

♪ I can't go on, no ♪

BRIAN: I'm like 5'4", 70 pounds.

‐ Right down here, right down here. [indistinct]

BOY: Sounds great, Raff!

GIRL: What did he say, "Raff"?

‐ [laughter] BOY: He said "Rolfe."

‐ It's the most awkward period in your life, right,

is when you're probably 13 to 19,

and that's when we were in front of the cameras.

‐ To be really frank...

[laughs] I mean, let's get honest, right?

After Punky, I did a pilot.

The pilot did not go.

I was excited to be in school.

But I started developing.

And I started developing rapidly.

Going from a B to a C to a double D,

to almost spilling into an E,

and this all happened between the time that I had finished "Punky"

till I was 15.

Everywhere I go, people are like, "Oh, you're so grown up."

You know, which was just another way of being like,

"Your tits are so big," you know?

‐ Now, you've gone ahead and grown up.

‐ I've grown up. ‐ These things happen, right?

She was cute little Punky Brewster, now you're cute big Soleil Moon Frye. ‐ Thank you!

‐ Are you ready for the clue puzzle round? ‐ I'm ready.

‐ Okay. SOLEIL: So...

the roles that I was getting offered at 13, 14 years old

are all "tits and ass" roles and I'm 13.

I went from living this amazing childhood

to...

almost being forced into adulthood.

"As I enter my teen years, I should feel good, but I actually feel sad.

"I should feel privileged, instead I feel deprived.

"We're all just a bunch of fucking lost angels

trying to find our way to the right track."

MARK‐PAUL GOSSELAAR: The rejection that you deal with as a kid,

I thought it was pretty blunt growing up,

like the reasons for why you didn't get it.

Like, "Eh, they just didn't like your look."

Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll go process that.

SOLEIL: I think in piecing this together

and reading my diaries, it was... it was intense when I was young,

but as a teenager, it was a whole other level of...

‐ Yeah. ‐ ...crazy.

Because I developed so quickly and...

and men treated me more like a woman...

‐ and not a 13‐year‐old. ‐ Sure.

I remember walking on the stage of Saved by the Bell,

and the director's saying, "The minute you walk through these double doors

"leading onto the stage, you're no longer a child anymore,

you're an adult, you have to act like an adult."

And, you know, like, you don't think much of it.

You're like, "Okay, sure."

But we all know what that meant, is like this is an adult business.

You know, it's not... I feel... And that's one of the reasons I don't want my children in it,

is because I don't feel it's a place for children.

SOLEIL: Any time I would talk to a guy, he was looking straight at my boobs.

When I go to camp, people are calling me "Punky Boobster."

‐ Mom, take a look at these honkers, man.

You're not... [laughs]

‐ You are not... [laughing] MEENO: Close‐up.

‐ Ehhhh!

SOLEIL: So everyone, from my inner circle of friends

to going out in the world, it just became...

it became a punchline, it became a joke.

‐ Very scary. MEENO: Yeah?

‐ Shaking, yeah. MEENO: How are you dealing with that?

‐ Um...

I'm gonna do something that's gonna make me feel better about myself, so...

‐ It's about 4:30, five o'clock in the morning.

I'm going in for my operation.

It starts at 7:30.

I'm scared, very scared.

But I'm excited.

MEENO: Hmm, your palatial ride to the butchery.

‐ Shut up, it's a good thing.

MAN: This is our supervisor.

SUPERVISOR: Hi, how are you? ‐ Hi. Nice meeting you.

‐ Dad, stop wheeling me in circles.

‐ Wh‐what do you mean?

MOTHER: No, no, Virgil, don't make her dizzy.

‐ You're so terrible.

‐ They'll come in, they'll get you all situated.

Get yourself comfortable.

WOMAN: Gentle, Soleil. Squeeze... gentle.

‐ [indistinct conversation] ‐ I'm so dizzy.

♪ peaceful music playing ♪

I'm in pain.

But I'm okay.

Come here.

But you be careful, okay? ‐ All right.

‐ I love you. ‐ Me too.

‐ Your shirt's all wet. ‐ I know, I just got it out of the washer.

‐ [laughs] ‐ Threw it on.

‐ Hey. ‐ I love you.

Now I'm going to be able to be this person that I wanted to be

for so fucking long.

I'm going to be able to have my own identity.

I just made a change that's gonna affect me for the rest of my life.

And I'm happy.

I'm not gonna be known as Punky Boobster.

And I'll be able to run around wild and be free.

I've learned a lot, actually.

Ah... you're transcending into a new person.

And, um...

I think you should be proud of yourself.

[phone beeps]

♪ rock guitar playing ♪

SOLEIL: It was this very complicated thing

because I wanted to be grownup so badly.

But Punky resonated so much with people.

They don't necessarily want that person to grow up, right?

‐ I hope you stay small 'cause I love talking with small girls. ‐ Thank you.

‐ Will you come back again? ‐ Yes.

‐ A pleasure meeting you. Thank you very much.

SALLY JESSY RAPHAEL: When she was only 7 years old,

she was pulling in 10,000 fan letters a week.

Now actor Soleil Moon Frye is 16 and speaking out on important teenage issues.

Why did you go public with the breast reduction story?

‐ Well, uh, I wanted to be able to talk to young people

and tell them what I went through, and, um, dealing with insecurities,

as a young teenager.

And confronting my womanhood was hard enough,

let alone having this deep insecurity, which was my breasts.

SOLEIL: I was so righteous, in a way,

that I thought, okay, I have this new body.

People will really see me for who I am,

and I'll be able to be taken more seriously.

DIRECTOR: Action!

‐ You fuckin' hit her, man. ‐ She came out of fuckin' nowhere.

‐ I saw her fall right here. ‐ Where the fuck is she?

DIRECTOR: And cut! ‐ Where the fuck is she?

Where the fuck is she?

Um, I can't find the sides, so just tell me what it is?

‐ "You guys, this is serious stuff."

‐ This is serious shit...

Can I just say like half of "shit" and not say...?

‐ [screaming] ‐ DIRECTOR: All right, keep going, keep going.

SOLEIL: I felt like if I shouted at the top of my lungs and I was brave,

that the world would be accepting of that.

‐ Okay, well... ‐ This is really wild.

HOST: Okay, that's, uh... ‐ Hi.

HOST: That's David there. SOLEIL: How are you?

♪ I'm walkin' the floor over you... ♪

♪

[screaming]

♪

[straining]

‐ So it didn't change the fact

that people still didn't take me seriously.

I think that's where

I started really questioning myself

and feeling more lost.

‐ You know, at that point, I thought I was on top of the world,

but the lowest point was when I did my record.

Hip‐hop was my thing.

I grew up listening to NWA and, you know, all that, and like...

of course I made a hip‐hop album.

It's... it's what I knew.

I remember people not reviewing it well,

and that was the first like experience I had with failure at something.

So I remember at that point like going, "Holy shit, people don't like me,"

and, you know, that's when you start getting in your head

and you start worrying about what you're wearing

or how you're walking or what you're doing or

how you're perceived.

It was the first time that I was like really aware of...

learning to be who I wanted to be.

‐ I think for me...

picking up the camera was a way of controlling it.

A way of saying, "Fuck you.

I have my camera and I'm gonna be an artist."

‐ [rattling] ‐ This is real Hollywood.

‐ What's that?

Is that a video camera?

‐ Not used to seeing a video camera like that... SOLEIL: Hi.

Video camera, say hi. ‐ Are you serious?

SOLEIL: Yes. ‐ Let me see the other side.

‐ Turn it this way so I can see, too.

You always film.

Do I look like crap? Like every time you put me on this camera...

‐ Press the button, back.

Ooh, hash browns.

This is man's ingenuity, right here.

I started just documenting the world around me,

documenting my friends,

filming our lives.

‐ Cool camera, dude. Does it have sound and everything?

‐ What's that? How can you see me in that thing?

MARK‐PAUL: It never was a thing like, "Okay, Soleil is carrying a video camera around."

We never thought, "Oh, well, she's gonna use that in a way

that's gonna come back and haunt us," you know.

Nowadays you see a flash go off

and it's like this thing in your stomach that goes,

"What was I doing at the moment that flash went off that can be used against me?"

‐ It's probably good that you did that or we wouldn't have any of that...

we wouldn't have any of that footage, you know?

SOLEIL: Tell me a little philosophy in life, baby.

‐ Uh, the philosophy in life's that you should meet

Soleil Moon Frye in your life once upon a time.

That's what I believe.

‐ I'm starting to try to only be dependent upon myself.

Without being dependent on anyone else.

Know what I'm saying?

This ain't no video interview or shit.

SOLEIL: We weren't concerned about the Internet.

[women screaming]

It was pre‐Internet exploding, right?

So people's relationship with the camera,

nobody was... was on all the time.

They were just being themselves.

SOLEIL: So, what's your philosophy?

I mean, what attracts you to men more than women?

‐ It's... it's something I'm just born with, a feeling I have.

Does everything have to be sex with women?

‐ The philosophies of life...

is to have as much fun as possible

without hurting anybody along the way.

‐ You've got so many hours of boring videotape on there.

‐ Aha! Whoo!

MAN: Slow down, dude!

[Soleil laughs]

‐ Checking in.

[laughing]

MAN: Going out to dinner tonight...

SOLEIL: Have fun, guys.

[screeches]

‐ History was just kind of chugging along until the '90s and then it went...

[hissing]

DJ: That was 40 minutes of nonstop K‐Rock, Jane's Addiction, Erasure,

INXS, English Beat, Primal Scream, U2, and, uh, sometime real soon,

tickets to the replacement show.

SOLEIL: Should be on our way to Santa Barbara by now. JENNY: Should be on our way. Shit.

SOLEIL: Jenny, what are we gonna do?

‐ He's going to jail.

I just hope he doesn't find my gun.

I'm kidding.

Yeah.

Weapons, artillery?

Drugs?

Got some of those, too.

SOLEIL: We did so many of the things that teenagers did.

We just happened to be in Hollywood.

‐ I'm really stoned. [laughs]

‐ Whoo! ‐ ♪ hard rock music playing ♪

‐ You don't need drugs to be cool, and if you have any problem, please call. L'chaim! To life!

♪ rock music continues ♪

Happy are we!

SOLEIL: I can sneak out with friends,

tell my mom that I was going out to hang out with friends,

and I could go to any club and get in.

‐ The first club that we really started going insane at was Bar One.

Bar One was fucking insane.

‐ Haaa!

You don't have to take drugs to be cool. You're cool within yourselves.

Believe in yourself, believe in what you can do, and you can make anything happen,

anywhere.

Just say no‐‐ If somebody offers you something, wants to sell you drugs,

say no, say, hell no!

I used to say, "Just say no to drugs," and now I'm just too busy saying yeah!

‐ You are listening to 106.7 K‐Rock.

Next up we got Punky Brewster.

She's gonna discuss candidly her bouts with alcoholism, heroin abuse,

and teenage prostitution, am I right?

‐ No! ‐ All right, well, take one of them.

FRIEND: There we go. Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah, baby.

[laughing]

♪ rock music continues ♪

MAN: We, uh, we got away with everything.

‐ It got pretty crazy. It was like our '60s, right?

BOY: You threw up? ‐ Should I just toss it in?

You can't watch me taking this fucking shit, it's so gross.

You wanna take a hit of this?

‐ I'm so fucked up, it's ridiculous.

‐ Come here, gimme your hand. Gimme your hand.

‐ I am trippin' hard, Corey. I love it.

GIRL: I'm gonna just take this thing... BOY: Where's my lighter?

GIRL: No, it's okay. BOY: Where's my lighter?

GIRL: Oh, I found another one with no spots.

‐ I'm in fuckin' ecstasy.

GIRL: Check it out, look at this one.

Look at this one. ‐ Let me see it. Can I have it?

‐ Oh, shit, hold on.

‐ Will you let me have it for a little while? I'll baby‐sit.

GIRL: It's raining, you guys. BOY: It's raining.

GIRL: We gotta go. GIRL 2: Look at the raindrops.

Oh, my God, look at the raindrops. Wow!

‐ Dude, I'm queasy.

SOLEIL: Do you feel happy?

All of the sudden, you like the place that you're in

and the car's nice.

‐ [friend laughing] ‐ I like the car now.

I didn't like the car 'cause I wasn't friends with the car,

but now I'm friends with the car, so now it's fine.

I like the raindrops.

♪ singing along with romantic ballad ♪

GIRL: Seriously, Soleil? Nobody's...

‐ I think I've fallen in love.

I honestly do, and I'm kind of scared. What do you think about that?

‐ I really don't want anybody to ever see these tapes,

because I feel like I'm mad!

[laughing]

♪ I can't take this... ♪

‐ Oh, yeah. ‐ [laughing]

HEATHER: I have such a soft spot in my heart for mushrooms, I must tell you,

because of that experience.

Our lives were very full.

SOLEIL: I had a lot of crushes as a kid.

I think I was always trying to find my true love,

and I wanted to find true love.

[phone beeps]

[phone beeps]

I was the kissing queen.

The funniest is that I was the last virgin of all my friends.

I was a big talker.

Not having a traditional childhood

or a father that was always around,

I think part of me really wanted to feel accepted.

I met Danny...

through a friend.

GIRL: Soleil is gonna win the game right here.

SOLEIL: He was really my best friend.

‐ [laughing] ‐ Take the little one.

It's her wand. Boing!

SOLEIL: He saw the creative in me.

And he also accepted me for me.

Those early memories of us

I remember being really, really joyful.

‐ [phone beeps] DANNY: Soleil, it's Danny.

I hope to see you at nine o'clock, buddy.

[phone beeps]

[crowd cheering]

‐ ♪ hip‐hop playing ♪ ‐ ♪ Uh! ♪

♪ Uh! ♪

♪ Uh! Uh!... ♪

SOLEIL: He had this group that he was in called House of Pain.

And House of Pain came out

and it was the biggest album at the time.

"Jump Around" was everywhere.

It was the hit song.

Every club you went to, they were playing "Jump Around."

Everywhere you went.

He was getting to the height of his fame and there was cars and girls

and Hells Angels and actors and rappers,

and everybody wanted to be around him.

And he was really the life of the party.

And somehow he wanted me a part of it.

I had my video camera.

And he encouraged me to document it all.

He's like, "Here's our world.

You're an artist. Go ahead, roll the camera."

♪ acoustic guitar playing ♪

♪ Girl, you're gone ♪

♪ Girl, you're gone ♪

♪ You searched your whole damn life ♪

♪ To be gone ♪

♪ Are you saved ♪

♪ Have you been saved ♪

♪ Every single day... ♪

SOLEIL: Danny's world was wild

with rock and roll, with hip‐hop.

♪ You knew this day would come... ♪

‐ Soleil.

SOLEIL: It was confusing.

We would both be dating other people, but then we'd kiss,

but we were best friends.

And it was like a fucking volcano,

and it was building and building and building until it erupted.

And then we had to face the consequences of living on the edge.

SOLEIL: Tell me a story, Danny.

‐ Damn, do all girls know that line, or what?

[friends laughing]

‐ I don't know any stories. I only know bad stories.

No good stories, no... SOLEIL: Tell me a bad story.

‐ ...romantic stories.

Tell you a story right now, a story about alcohol.

♪ The sadness in your eyes... ♪

SOLEIL: [whispering] My happy days.

Especially with Danny.

Oh, God.

If this is what life is like,

I picked the wrong time to be alive.

I think that as he was going down this darker path

that he knew it was time to...

to pass the torch in a way.

Please. I'm not in a good mood.

GIRL: Good, this is what I want on tape.

Soleil not smiling for once,

like the whole world thinks she always is.

[phone beeps]

[phone beeps]

[phone beeps]

‐ I think we all must have felt lonely in some ways,

or at least some of us more than others.

I know that in retrospect, and watching these videos.

And watching the videos where...

friends were so obviously reaching out for help

or listening to the audio tapes

and realizing that...

some of my friends really needed to be heard...

and to have a friend listen.

I didn't hear it, and I didn't see it.

I only see it in retrospect.

Twenty‐some‐odd years later.

SOLEIL: So tell me the philosophy of life,

about happiness and all that shit.

‐ I haven't found it, that's why I'm an unhappy person with myself.

SOLEIL: You're unhappy?

‐ Yeah, I told my mom that I was insane today, and, um...

she cried.

But the sad... ‐ You really think you're insane?

‐ Yeah, that's the sad thing.

I mean, everybody thinks about suicide, but...

I mean, I've really, really contemplated it.

Stop the camera, please.

SOLEIL: And they end up committing suicide.

And I didn't see it back then.

‐ [phone beeps] ‐ Soleil, this is Jonathan.

I don't know if you got my message last night.

I wanna start off a new page.

Soleil, it's Jonathan. It's about ten o'clock on Thursday.

You're not home. Where the hell are you? You know what, you need a pager.

SOLEIL: When I hear Jonathan's recordings over and over and

the amount of love that was there...

and that he must have been going through so much pain.

[phone beeps]

JONATHAN: Rise and shine, sleepy head.

Um, you know, and if I could come over for the holidays,

it'd be my pleasure, and I love you, Soleil.

SOLEIL: I found a diary the other day that...

said that we had spoken about getting married someday

and having a family.

[phone beeps]

JONATHAN: I love you, Soleil.

I love her. I've always loved her.

‐ [phone beeps] AUTOMATED VOICE: One.

‐ I don't know, sometimes people...

just are kind of done with this world.

As sad as that sounds, they just, it's too painful.

It's like they've done it and... and they just don't want to anymore,

which is really sad because...

it gets better and, you know, life's worth fighting for.

‐ How do you remember so far back?

‐ [phone beeps] VIRGIL: Sorry you're not there, baby.

This is your daddy.

Stay home because the cops are out and gangs are out and...

people are burning down East Los Angeles again.

And for good reason, unfortunately.

SOLEIL: There's gonna be another one, you guys.

MAN: Well, it obviously was a fairly large quake.

I would estimate...

[indistinct conversation]

[phone beeping]

DISPATCHER: Attention, all units and stations.

Attempt to locate 187 suspect

in a white 1993 Ford Bronco.

[indistinct commentary]

‐ This is really the first time...

that I'm trying to just strip away...

the mask...

all of it, and just go, "Here I am."

I drank whatever they gave me.

‐ I don't know what happened.

♪ ethereal music playing ♪

‐ I can't even think right now.

‐ Have to start, People magazine cover recently.

‐ Big story on you! ‐ [applause]

Let me tell you why I bring that up, because we've done shows

with kids your age talking about the peer pressure

and the fact that you were gutsy enough to come out and say,

"Hey, listen, fight it, you don't need that."

‐ Right. I'm not all breasts. I'm also a virgin, everybody.

Yes, I am a virgin, and I am proud of it, and the reason I talked about it

was because I believe that young people should have the right to say no.

A lot of young women don't know that they have the right

to say, "Wait a second, I wanna wait. Let's go and get tested together."

You know, there's a lot of scary diseases the young people are confronted with.

And as young women, I think that we have the right,

and also as young men, to say, "Wait a second, let's wait.

"Let's see, let's make sure we're in love, let's make sure that, you know,

that we can trust each other."

[phone beeps]

[phone beeps]

SOLEIL: "An incredible childhood, a single mother, whom loved us with all her heart.

"A father who, although he was not always there,

"told me he loved me forever, and I believed him.

"My brother helped raise me and always made me feel safe and cared for.

"I grew up playing make‐believe.

"I loved acting and it was part of my everyday.

"I was still 100% a kid and daughter.

"Laughter filled our house often.

"We were never forced in front of the camera.

"It was something we wanted to do 1,000%.

"We went to summer camp and celebrated all holidays.

"Traveled the world and had wonderful friends.

"I'm an incredibly nostalgic person.

"And I think much of that is due to the love that existed around.

"I met him somewhere around 17 or 18.

"I was drawn to him immediately.

"He wrangled me with his sweet charm.

"I wanted to give into the sweet and loving person that he was.

"But there was also another side that existed,

"who was hard and tough, harsh and cold.

"We were making out and getting close to me finally letting go of myself.

"Almost ready to give my innocence to this person that I cared about deeply.

"As he laid on top of me, I realized I was not ready.

"Frustrated, he did not roll over or get up and leave the room.

"Instead, he chose to thrust himself in me,

"at which point I tried to push him off.

"He got up and left the room. I was in shock.

"We had not made love, we had not had sex.

"It was a thrust.

"But my 17‐year‐old mind and body was confused.

"What happened next was something I'll never forget.

"I walked into the next room where he sat, obviously upset with me, watching TV,

"and without looking me in the eyes, he said,

"'So how does it feel not to be a virgin anymore?'

"He asked if I would say he raped me.

"But I wouldn't.

"I was also to blame for my forwardness.

"I do not regret my actions.

"Like I've always believed, let the pain be my scars.

"And this person has a million faces that I still love.

"The water is clear and pure.

"If a bug lands in the water, you don't drink it.

"It's no longer clean.

"You look for another glass of water.

"I glance upon this glass of water in front of me

"with the bug floating on top,

and I wonder how symbolic this is to me."

I‐I don't think I ever‐‐

I never really dealt with it because I never shared it,

so I just locked it away.

I... I locked it away in my vault, and...

and I wrote this happy story

or this story that was really joyful and...

for me that, that, that I could wrap my head around.

And that was just a part of my life that I...

that I put in a vault, that I never wanted to open up.

And so I wasn't comfortable talking to my mom or my brother

or my family or my friends.

And I just locked it away my whole life.

And it's only been through this experience...

that, uh...

that I've even had to face it.

So, it goes to this whole thing around memory and...

are memories real or

are they the stories that we wanna tell ourselves, you know?

‐ [phone beeps] MAN: Hello?

Soleil, are you there?

You're not there, it's Charles calling.

[phone beeps]

‐ "December 18th, 1994.

"I lost my virginity.

"He was my first. Who would have known?

It's been the most strange and incredible day ever."

ALL: Hi!

‐ Soleil Moon Frye.

SOLEIL: I don't truly know how to explain my feelings.

He's somebody I've had a crush on for years.

He's a person that intrigues me and excites me.

MAN: Let's hear it for Andre Agassi, you guys!

SOLEIL: "We smoked a cigarette.

He whispered softly as he simply asked what my fantasies are."

‐ [phone beeps] CHARLIE SHEEN: Hey, Soleil, it's, uh, Charles calling.

Uh, it is Wednesday night at about eleven o'clock,

and, uh, I gotta talk to you.

‐ Are we on right now?

‐ We don't know he's Caucasian.

‐ Soleil, what's with the camera? What's with the camera?

What's with the whole thing?

JONATHAN SILVERMAN: Come on. ‐ Was it...

Was it Keanu? Billy Baldwin?

‐ The tape is almost at the end, so you have to end this tape somehow.

‐ The tape's at the end? ‐ It's almost to its end.

‐ You know all about how these things work, don't you?

‐ I think I was drawn towards the extremes...

because I wanted to feel it all and I wanted to experience it all and...

but I don't know if it goes back to

my relationship with my father.

My relationship to men,

that need to feel loved.

‐ We had some life lessons to learn, so...

Back then I didn't quite understand

how real it got at certain moments in time.

Life gets rough.

It was all kind of innocent to begin with.

Then it just started progressive, as it does,

getting a little more insane

and different drugs started coming into play.

Acid, mushrooms and... coke.

And then crack.

And to heroin.

But, uh, we smoked it.

I never did anything else than that, but...

that was enough.

I mean...

I always did this little thing where I'd do it and then not do it for a long time,

where I wouldn't get so super strung out or anything.

Which isn't any excuse, but it...

maybe kept me from dying, you know what I mean?

It got dark for a while.

Did Paul talk about it at all?

‐ There was a few years stretch in there where

it seemed like I was losing a friend every week.

‐ You know, you'd hope that you'd live to be old and...

I mean, that's probably the fairy tale.

SOLEIL: What do you think of this place? ‐ What do I think of this place?

I have a lot of thoughts on this place.

I've decided that I probably wanna check something else out for a while.

This place makes me pretty upset.

Yeah? What does it do to you?

SOLEIL: By 18, I was ready to move out of Hollywood.

I had experienced some pain.

I had lost some of my innocence.

And... and I was ready to move on, to be honest.

I was ready for the next stage of my life.

GIRL: Eighteen years old. Next thing you know...

you're gonna be 40.

‐ [girls laughing] ‐ Turn it off.

‐ You and I, we liked to think about...

"Hmm, that would be amazing, I wanna try that."

‐ I think I was trying to find something more.

I wanted to be taken seriously, by my peers, by my craft.

‐ It was almost like you wanted to...

it's all in, it's all in the same vein

of like wanting to, um...

capture as much life, have as much life,

have as many experiences as you can.

‐ And I thought there was no better place to do it than the Actors Studio

and going to New York City.

‐ [indistinct conversation] SOLEIL: They invited me...

‐ That's all I gotta say.

SOLEIL: I've got a big crack across my camera lens.

‐ Did I do that to your lens? ‐ Yeah.

‐ I don't like it. It looks cracked, bro.

FRIEND: Is it?

[dog barking]

♪ acoustic guitar playing ♪

‐ I sure love you, and I'm gonna miss you, my baby cakes.

That's my baby that's going to college, and I am so proud of her.

Look at her.

‐ This is my childhood wall, and now I'm leaving.

Soleil Moon Frye signing off in her room for one last time.

‐ I will put together a Mommy Love package for you for college,

but right now I want you to have one of my most treasured protective pieces

and that's my Buddha bracelet.

‐ Mom.

‐ [camera shutter clicks] MOTHER: Kisses.

Okay, just shut the door.

R&B SINGER: ♪ Just be my little woman ♪

♪ Just be my lover ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I need me somebody ♪

[indistinct conversation]

MOTHER: We are rushing. Soleil is rushing to make this flight.

SOLEIL: We're late.

New York. See, I'm getting ready to pass through this line.

Excuse me, sir.

Oh, my God.

I'm freaking out.

I'm just so happy right now.

MOTHER: She's getting ready to go to college. She wants it on film.

‐ This reminds me of like the summer camp with my family,

and they drop you at camp, and you're like, "Okay, bye,"

and you're all sad because you're gonna say goodbye to them

and you're so young, you know, so it's like your first time out in the world.

You meet so many new people.

And so this is like it, like, at a new age, so it's really hard.

Mommy, I love you.

‐ I love you, baby cakes.

Bye, honey.

SOLEIL: Daddy, I love you.

♪ acoustic guitar playing ♪

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you

to New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.

SOLEIL: ♪ Start spreading the news ♪

DRIVER: ♪ Spreading the news ♪

SOLEIL: ♪ I'm goin' today ♪

DRIVER: ♪ I'm goin' today ♪

BOTH: ♪ I want to be a part of it ♪

♪ New York, New York ♪

SOLEIL: Don't you love that song? DRIVER: Yeah.

BOTH: ♪ These little town blues ♪

DRIVER: ♪ In New York ♪

♪ Singing the blues ♪

♪ New York, New York... ♪

SOLEIL: Whoo!

Life in New York has gotten miserable. Looking for an apartment is hell.

And I'm about to fucking die.

[Soleil speaking indistinctly]

‐ Can you see me?

I'm looking for an apartment to live in.

SOLEIL: Life was good back in L. A.

‐ This chick Soleil said, "Come on, you have to go back to New York.

You have to go back to New York, it'd be so much, so cool."

And so I left my job there... ‐ [Soleil giggles]

‐ ...and I came back here.

SOLEIL: I felt a sense of freedom.

It was the first time I was living on my own.

It was outside of this L. A. bubble.

And I felt really free.

It's like eight o'clock in the morning, I'm getting ready to go to class.

It's kind of scary.

♪ light piano playing ♪

How long have we lived here, Matt?

‐ Two weeks.

[indistinct conversation]

SOLEIL: Hasn't been two weeks.

‐ But if we, if we get a fridge, we want a place for the garbage can, right?

SOLEIL: So, what'll we live on? We have, we have one pot.

MATT: Then it's that. ‐ At least we have nothing to beat each other.

This is life for the struggling artist.

SOLEIL: I'm living on this futon on the floor.

And it's the best experience of my life.

Immediately I got on stage in New York.

It was terrifying and exciting.

‐ Try to make this your best performance, just for yourself.

SOLEIL: It was me on stage, completely unveiled.

And I got up on stage and...

I had come into my own.

[phone beeps]

CHARLIE: Hello? Soleil, are you there?

You're not there. It's Charles calling.

I'm on the set.

Long time, no talk.

‐ And then, the person I lost my virginity to,

my Florida experience, he came back around,

and he was my...

my Mister Big.

Would take me to the Yankee game and...

COMMENTATOR: Those that are remaining are still...

SOLEIL: "I remember, I remember going opening day

"and it being springtime,

"and it's snowing in New York and I was there with him,

"and we cheered and laughed and we smiled and yelled out under the ice cold.

"It began snowing and it was like a surreal dream,

"white snowflakes falling across beautiful faces

"of the American dream.

"He leaned in and kissed me

"as he played with my hair and asked what I did to it.

"I told him I left it alone.

"Then he began caressing my face and asked what I did to it.

"'Did you leave it alone?' he said sarcastically with a smile.

"And then we held each other.

"He said how much I'd matured into a beautiful young lady,

and how New York really shows on me."

And it was this realization that this person that was older than me,

that did care about me,

was seeing... me growing up.

Today I love New York. I've been everywhere in New York today.

Times Square was awesome. I love it.

Last night I had so much fun, we just walked and talked.

‐ This is the first time Soleil's doing laundry in about two months.

SOLEIL: First time I've ever done laundry on my own.

‐ And I smell because everything I own right now reeks.

All my socks smell like ass.

‐ Laundry is a really important thing, OK? ‐ Very important.

‐ [laughing] You got a toilet that reeks.

‐ [all laughing] ANDREW: Can't do it.

‐ Andrew, do it.

‐ What it's like to live with guys. ‐ Get over it. Get over it.

‐ No, it's fucking disgusting.

Do you like what we did to the apartment, Andrew?

For me as an artist, I just wanted to drink it all in.

I felt like I was alive when I was in the rawness of it.

I was fascinated by skate culture.

One night I see this group of kids jumping into a taxicab

and I run over and it was Justin Pierce.

And he had just done this film Kids.

♪ Heads crack hard On the pavement, uh‐huh ♪

♪ Don't fall Can't nobody save ya, uh‐huh... ♪

[indistinct conversation]

♪ rap continues in background ♪

♪ ...so I see through the smoke and mirrors ♪

♪ And the hocus pocus as well as jokers ♪

♪ I do this here in real focus... ♪

♪ rap continues ♪

♪ ...smirk on my face 'Cause I know they can't stop me... ♪

‐ It was the beginning of an incredible journey with...

with these skaters that became my family.

‐ Where's my Wheat Thins? Where's my Wheat Thins?

FRIEND: Wheat Thins?

SOLEIL: You got shit in your hair.

[indistinct conversation]

‐ New York City.

Skateboarders.

Selassie I, Jah Rastafari.

Who likes Wheat Thins? Would anyone like one?

We're Punky Brewster crazy.

[skaters laughing]

‐ SKATER: We're on a Punky Brewster craze. ‐ Punky Brewster.

SKATER 2: That's what it's all about, mon.

SOLEIL: "Past few days were like a movie.

"The kids showed up and I filmed them through the peephole of my door.

"I then knew it would be an adventure.

"They piled into my house with 40s and blunts.

"A wild bunch of skaters, who in the midst of the struggle,

"find peace in the positive vibe of Rastafari.

"Leave it to me to fall for the straggly kid Justin.

"He along with the others passed out of my apartment.

"I found myself under my red light kissing this youth

"who told me he would have to hold onto me for a while.

"He kept asking where I came from.

He was sweet for the time it was happening."

PETE BICI: Justin, Justin Pierce introduced us.

SOLEIL: Press that button in the back, yo.

Press... GIRL: This button right here?

SOLEIL: When we're all in the frame, here.

[laughing]

SKATER: Why you blocking my view?

‐ And this one, the little like‐‐ from California.

How did you go to Corona, Queens?

‐ Whoaaaa! ‐ [indistinct conversation]

‐ I never really met someone with a puppy spirit like that.

He was just so like open‐eyed to everything.

But like looking back, of course, 'cause you're a kid and you're in New York City in the '90s.

I would have been like open‐eyed like that, too.

The camera in our face all the time. It was like...

You used to take that thing out everywhere, you really did.

Did she tell you it was really on?

Oh, my...

[laughing]

SOLEIL: You guys weren't just my friends,

you were my family.

‐ Slash bodyguards.

[laughs]

‐ [screeching] ‐ Hey, look, look.

‐ That's how you meet someone and it just changes your life, you know?

Meet someone, you connect.

And then certain kids just, boom. They gravitate to each other, you know?

That's what happened, right?

That's what happened.

‐ You got my back! ‐ [crowd chatting, laughing]

SOLEIL: Oh, my God! ‐ [laughing]

‐ [laughter, indistinct chatter] GIRL: What the fuck?

[laughter]

SOLEIL: What was your first sexual experience?

‐ Uh...

FRIENDS: Uh...

SKATER: It's the crazy one.

You don't wanna go there.

SKATER 2: Reversal.

SKATER 1: We really don't wanna go there.

‐ I remember Harold Hunter living in your closet.

[laughing]

SKATER: The Rasta Master.

SOLEIL: Goin' in the house at four o'clock in the morning. What's up with you?

What were you doing waking me up, or what?

‐ I heard you talking to yourself, so...

knocked on your door.

Sorry about that.

‐ PETE: He was special, he was a special kid, man.

He was so young, so talented.

Handsome.

Tough.

But really harsh family background.

Didn't know who his father was.

And that was his pain, you know? He never knew who his dad was.

You know. Everyone's like, "Ah, he's crazy."

People are crazy for reasons, you know?

It's like something happened to them along the way

to make them who they are.

You don't just be wild and crazy for no reason.

That's all pain, you know.

It breaks my heart, it really does. I think about it all the time.

‐ I have so much...

guilt that I didn't know I had.

Until I started watching the tapes back.

Until I started piecing this together.

♪ acoustic guitar playing ♪

How often do we really look at somebody and say,

"How are you?" And actually hear them back?

And so that's why this process has been like

these fucking blinders coming off.

I don't think I've been living a lie for the last 20 years,

but I certainly haven't been fucking listening.

So now that they're off, now that I've opened Pandora's box,

I can't put any of this back.

‐ I feel definitely closer to you since, uh, since Andrew.

‐ Uh... I'm Andrew. GIRL: Hi, Andrew.

‐ Yeah, we have reconnected through Andrew

and I have a hard time...

you know.

He's my only brother, I loved him so much.

He was a brilliant, beautiful,

uh, quiet, special kid.

SOLEIL: What's your philosophy on life?

‐ Life can end at any moment.

You gotta live it to your fullest and try new things.

FRIEND: That's shit his brother told him to say.

‐ What? No, it's the truth.

And, uh... you know...

do what you can.

‐ Thanks. Goodbye. ‐ [friend laughs, claps]

PETE: It doesn't seem like he can be gone.

SOLEIL: Life is beautiful,

and it's messy and it's...

it's complicated.

♪ I'm just a little bit caught in the middle ♪

♪ Life is a maze and love is a riddle ♪

♪ I don't know where to go ♪

♪ Can't do it alone ♪

♪ I've tried ♪

♪ And I don't know ♪

♪ Why ♪

SOLEIL: I reached out to Danny

and I asked him if I could come out and talk to him.

It was this crazy thing when you haven't seen somebody for over 20 years.

I didn't know what the response would be.

You said that someday you wanted to find serenity.

DANNY: Did I? SOLEIL: You did.

Do you think you found it now?

DANNY: Uhh...

More of it,

but I think it's something you have to search for on a daily basis.

I don't think that I just wake up serene. I think it's...

‐ You for sure got taller. I feel much better now.

[Danny laughs]

‐ I, uh... I have to work at it.

I don't know that I'll ever feel completely serene.

I don't know that's my‐‐ in my DNA.

Tulsa is a much more serene place for me.

But it takes some getting used to as well.

December, man, like it never, it never looks like the Zales commercial,

you know, it's always missing a few things that I think in my mind's eye

like my life should have, and then you guys showed up.

It's like, ahh, like the star on the Christmas tree.

Now it's like, it looks perfect.

‐ I feel like I'm in some...

‐ Time warp, I know. Hold on. [laughs]

I haven't seen you in 20‐something years, so it's been...

it's been forever.

I had fast cars and I was dead set on like

wrapping one of those cars around a telephone pole

or, you know, blowing my brains out or doing too many, like...

We were living on the edge.

It's mind‐boggling that I'm still here.

We thought we were fooling everybody, but we were clearly drug addicts,

and you didn't wanna see that in me

and so you got off the train at the right, at the right station.

So I'm glad that you didn't have to see, you know‐‐

that was just the tip of the iceberg.

[chuckles]

SOLEIL: So much of what I wondered was,

did things happen the way I remembered them?

Was it as real as I remembered it?

And...

was it something that we both experienced?

‐ Yeah, absolutely.

My love for you, your love for me.

That time was a special magical time, and I knew that, you know,

nothing could diminish that.

♪ acoustic guitar music playing ♪

♪ Whoo‐hoo‐hoo... ♪

♪ We stepped out into the darkness ♪

♪ A cloud that lasted far too long ♪

♪ We were lost ♪

♪ It seemed forever ♪

♪ Now we're waiting here To get back home... ♪

SOLEIL: I never realized I would be coming of age again as an adult,

and I think in reliving my youth,

I'm coming of age all over again.

♪ guitar music continues ♪

♪ Whoo‐hoo‐hoo... ♪

I didn't know what true self‐love was

until... this process.

Now that I see it...

to have not seen it...

makes you wonder how many other people are walking around the world

feeling so unloved.

♪ guitar music continues ♪

I look at somebody like Brian and our friendship and history,

and I look at the diaries, and he always showed up.

Over the last 20 years...

I had questioned what those friendships meant.

I've bumped into you so many times over the last however many years

and when I bumped into you, because we're so preoccupied with our families,

I felt like, like does that history not really exist?

You know? In a weird way.

And so, to then...

I'm like... ‐ It does.

You know, I see you now, but I see... us then.

Being an adult and learning who I was

and what life was meant to be, that was with you.

That won't ever change.

‐ I can't believe you have this.

You know, we would just talk

for two or three hours at night if we hadn't seen each other that day.

And even, you know, fall asleep on the phone, and...

We were just so close.

♪ guitar music continues ♪

‐ I don't think I realized...

that not only did I love people, but I was loved.

HEATHER: When you share, truly share,

meaning your pain, your laughter, your love,

your fears, your doubt...

you realize you're not alone.

Because you share the same doubts that I share,

you share the same fears that I share.

By you sharing this, and by sharing your experiences and these tapes,

you're giving all of that its ultimate purpose,

which is to be shared.

It's not supposed to be in a box.

SOLEIL: "To you Soleil...

"Where are you?

"Are you still true at 16, 17, 18?

"Even in your late 20s?

"Have the journeys made you strong?

"Have you found a place to belong?

"At this point in time, I am still young,

"only close to 16.

"I live often in my dreams, trying to stay a unique human being.

"I've learned that one can never win the game

"when you play to win.

"I've truly learned to love and trust myself

"and to ultimately believe in infinity.

"So where am I at this time, my best friend?

"What does our destiny hold?

"Who have we fallen in love with along the way?

"Who do I make love with in the midnight hour?

"Have I made my life worthy?

"I have so many questions, but I shall not know the answers

"until the time comes.

"So believe and you will forever be me.

"Love, Soleil.

March 1992."

TEENAGE SOLEIL: Tonight I think I'll just‐‐ we're going to the movies

and getting popcorn with my friends

and not having to be something that I'm not, you know?

Growing up is the worst of pains.

What's gonna happen 20 years from now?

I don't want people thinking that I'm some lunatic,

like the girl that just smokes cigarettes and stuff like that,

because that's not true.

Do I even care?

It's not worth it, right?

Am I pretty or am I ugly?

I think this is gonna be a life of memories.

I've gotta get ready to go and be a fucking teenager.

Peace out.

Oh, wait, I have to show you something that I found.

‐ Oh, my gosh, are we gonna see stuff?

‐ I have diaries, too, that I'm gonna read you, if that's okay.

Or at least let you read to yourself.

The story of my life with this camera.

[laughing] ‐ Oh, my God.

‐ There's the rainbow shirt.

Yeah. I was scared you were gonna pull up that rainbow jacket.

Okay, it is what it is.

‐ There's not many people got the balls to go out and just, you know,

say "Fuck the world" and do what they wanna do,

and a lot of those people who do...

don't ever get, you know, their day in the sun,

until they're dead or gone.

And I gotta get mine now and then, you know?

‐ Soleil filmed another thing about me, uh, about two years ago,

so this is her little document of my growth.

I've grown at least three inches, or four inches, since last...

FRIEND: Yeah, you have. You're almost...

‐ And I'm bigger, too, check it out.

‐ Oh, my gosh, this is so crazy.

‐ [laughing]

Yeah. Wow!

‐ You're supposed to swivel the thing.

‐ Look at me trying to direct you.

‐ When they see a bunch of kids on a skateboard,

they think they gonna start trouble and shit.

They just bored 'cause they old.

‐ I went for it in the '90s.

I mean, I had fake fur coats.

I mean, I had bleached hair, I mean, I was a fucking freak.

So you thought I was a jerk? SOLEIL: A little bit.

Tell me our motorcycle story.

‐ Yeah, so...

Yeah, I mean, we had stolen the motorcycle...

[laughing]

‐ So... ‐ You look like my daughter.

Gives me such anxiety.

‐ The cabbie dude drove right over my foot, bro.

TEENAGE SOLEIL ON VIDEO: We're in love.

We're all in love with different guys.

And we're gonna tell you how we feel about each person.

Okay, I'm in love with Joey Lawrence.

I'm in love with Mark‐Paul. I'm in love with all those guys.

Can't call Balthazar, that's fucking lame.

I already called him.

[laughing]

‐ As a kid, you sort of‐‐ you just really like go through life

and it doesn't matter, and that's the beauty of being a kid,

is that it doesn't matter.

Like you get to just smile and have fun and do whatever.

‐ I wouldn't change the time continuum.

Like, I wouldn't adjust any‐‐

all the errors and mistakes and things I wish I could take back

brought us to right here, right now.

To have you here at this time of my life,

to discuss how our lives came together in that time,

everything is perfect.

SOLEIL: Do you think things happen the way we remember them?

‐ I do.

For sure.

And then you can, you have an artistic license.

You're telling the story, so if you wanna be the hero...

go ahead, you know?

It's your story. [laughs]

DIRECTOR: And cut!

[crowd cheering]

♪ serene guitar music playing ♪

‐ Here's to you, here's to me...

TALKING HEADS: ♪ Well, we know where we're going ♪

♪ But we don't know where we've been ♪

♪ And we know what we're knowing ♪

♪ But we can't say what we've seen ♪

♪ And we're not little children ♪

♪ And we know what we want ♪

♪ And the future is certain ♪

♪ Give us time to work it out ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ We're on a road to nowhere ♪

♪ Come on inside ♪

♪ Taking that ride to nowhere ♪

♪ We'll take that ride ♪

♪ I'm feeling okay this morning ♪

♪ And you know ♪

♪ We're on the road to paradise ♪

♪ Here we go, here we go ♪

‐ The past, the present, the future, it all just exists.

Can you show me how to go back?

‐ ♪ We're on a ride... ♪

[static buzzing]