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♪ peaceful music playing ♪
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‐ I think it's fascinating
to be able to go back...
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and have a true...
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chronological blueprint...
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of what it was to grow up
as a teenager in the '90s.
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And part of me believes
that somewhere inside,
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that teenage girl knew that she
was gonna have a story to tell,
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knew that she was gonna go
on an adventure
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and she was gonna document
every fucking second of it,
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so that she could share it someday.
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♪ Such is the way of the world ♪
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♪ You can never know ♪
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♪ Just where to putall your faith ♪
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♪ And how will it grow ♪
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♪ Gonna rise up ♪
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‐ ♪ Burning black holesin dark memories ♪And Soleil Moon Frye!
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♪ Gonna rise up ♪
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♪ Turning mistakes into gold ♪
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‐ Tell me about Punky Brewster.
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‐ She has power 'cause,
not like magic or anything,
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but it's power that she can survive
and she's a survivor.
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♪
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As a teenager,
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I carried a video camera with meeverywhere I went.
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I kept all of my diaries.
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I kept every oneof my voicemail messages.
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I documented everything, and thenI locked it away for over 20 years.
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I've never looked back at it.
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And so I decided to unlock the vault.
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This is crazy.
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The big question for me was,
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did things really happenthe way I remembered them?
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‐ Let's see
what you've got there!
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I look at this like Pandora's box.
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What happens once I unlock it?
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I don't know the answers,I don't know the ending.
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I am absolutelydiscovering it as we go.
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At seven years old,I was cast as Punky Brewster,
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and it was in that moment thatthings changed so much.
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Hello, Mrs. Reagan.
I'm Soleil Moon Frye.
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‐ Are you Punky?
‐ Buzz Aldrin?
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‐ Hi.
‐ Wow!
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I don't really know wherePunky ended and I began
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'cause we were the samein so many ways.
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‐ I wanna say we met when you were in
the height of the Punky Brewster show.
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'Cause I went in for an audition.
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But I remember...
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that you popped in and were like, "Hi!"
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And then like went back to the set,
or I don't know.
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And then we went to camp together
at the Cottontail Ranch.
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I think the first time I met you,
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it might have been at your birthday party.
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At some hotel.
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Johnny Depp and
C. Thomas Howell and Bubbles,
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Michael Jackson's chimp.
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Literally, there were like 12 kids
in the business,
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so we all knew everyone.
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We all knew each other.
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‐ I was working on a show
called The Outsiders.
You were the first person I met.
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‐ You were somebody
that I looked up to.
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And when I got a chance
to be on your show, I had
such a crush on you already.
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‐ Nice meeting you.
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‐ Hi! Did you miss me?
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‐ Hello, how are you?
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‐ Today's Easter.
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Never felt like I didn'thave my childhood.
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My brother Meeno was six years older.
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He would constantly pick upthat camera as well.
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Oh, my God, Meeno, you are such a dick.
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My mom was a single mom raising us.
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She had a catering business.
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My father was an actor.
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He, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman,were very good friends
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and had all been involvedin the civil rights movement.
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You all believe that we
will overcome, don't ya?
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Yeah!
‐ So do we.
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There's Virgil.
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He wasn't always thereas a parent, but they were friends.
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There was tons of food andit was really like laidback and fun.
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Everybody mingling and makinga mess and it didn't matter,
81
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and it was like easygoing and...
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my house was
the complete opposite of that.
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‐ Your house had that feeling
like that it was a safe place
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and that you could hang out there
and... and be yourself.
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‐ It was the most loving environment.
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Your mom was everybody's mom.
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It just felt like it was home
for so many people.
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It was a group of us,
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and we were all genuinely friendswithin our group.
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‐ At that point in life,
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you have like no red flags
to look out for,
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you have no hang‐ups about anything.
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You're just, you're having fun.
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Like, you know, you're not concerned
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with having your heart broken
or any of that.
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You just enjoy everything.
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‐ Say yes to the '90s and no to drugs.
‐ Yeah.
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‐ Hi.
‐ We're chillin' at Sea World.
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‐ Yep.
‐ We're in San Diego.
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‐ Brian's gonna do a rap
about San Diego.
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♪ Yo, we're here in San Diego ♪
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♪ Bruv, take it over ♪
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♪ I can't go on, no ♪
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I'm like 5'4", 70 pounds.
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‐ Right down here, right down here.
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Sounds great, Raff!
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What did he say, "Raff"?
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‐
He said "Rolfe."
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‐ It's the most awkward period
in your life, right,
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is when you're probably 13 to 19,
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and that's when we werein front of the cameras.
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‐ To be really frank...
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I mean, let's get honest, right?
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After Punky, I did a pilot.
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The pilot did not go.
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I was excited to be in school.
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But I started developing.
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And I started developing rapidly.
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Going from a B to a C to a double D,
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to almost spilling into an E,
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and this all happened betweenthe time that I had finished "Punky"
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till I was 15.
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Everywhere I go, people are like,"Oh, you're so grown up."
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You know, which wasjust another way of being like,
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"Your tits are so big," you know?
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‐ Now, you've gone ahead and grown up.
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‐ I've grown up.
‐ These things happen, right?
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She was cute little Punky Brewster,
now you're cute big Soleil Moon Frye.
‐ Thank you!
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‐ Are you ready for the clue puzzle round?
‐ I'm ready.
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‐ Okay.
So...
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the roles that I was getting offeredat 13, 14 years old
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are all "tits and ass" roles and I'm 13.
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I went from living this amazing childhood
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to...
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almost being forced into adulthood.
136
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"As I enter my teen years, I should
feel good, but I actually feel sad.
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"I should feel privileged,
instead I feel deprived.
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"We're all just a bunch
of fucking lost angels
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trying to find our way
to the right track."
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The rejection that you deal with as a kid,
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I thought it was pretty blunt growing up,
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like the reasons
for why you didn't get it.
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Like, "Eh, they just didn't
like your look."
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Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll go process that.
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I think in piecing this together
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and reading my diaries, it was...
it was intense when I was young,
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but as a teenager,
it was a whole other level of...
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‐ Yeah.
‐ ...crazy.
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Because I developed so quickly and...
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and men treated me more like a woman...
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‐ and not a 13‐year‐old.
‐ Sure.
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I remember walking on the stage
of Saved by the Bell,
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and the director's saying, "The minute
you walk through these double doors
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"leading onto the stage,
you're no longer a child anymore,
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you're an adult,
you have to act like an adult."
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And, you know, like,
you don't think much of it.
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You're like, "Okay, sure."
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But we all know what that meant,
is like this is an adult business.
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You know, it's not... I feel...
And that's one of the reasons
I don't want my children in it,
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is because I don't feel
it's a place for children.
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Any time I would talk to a guy,he was looking straight at my boobs.
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When I go to camp, people arecalling me "Punky Boobster."
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‐ Mom, take a look at these honkers, man.
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You're not...
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‐ You are not...
Close‐up.
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‐ Ehhhh!
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So everyone,from my inner circle of friends
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to going out in the world,it just became...
169
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it became a punchline, it became a joke.
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‐ Very scary.
Yeah?
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‐ Shaking, yeah.
How are you dealing with that?
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‐ Um...
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I'm gonna do something that's gonna
make me feel better about myself, so...
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‐ It's about 4:30,
five o'clock in the morning.
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I'm going in for my operation.
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It starts at 7:30.
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I'm scared, very scared.
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But I'm excited.
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Hmm, your palatial ride
to the butchery.
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‐ Shut up, it's a good thing.
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This is our supervisor.
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Hi, how are you?
‐ Hi. Nice meeting you.
183
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‐ Dad, stop wheeling me in circles.
184
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‐ Wh‐what do you mean?
185
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No, no, Virgil,
don't make her dizzy.
186
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‐ You're so terrible.
187
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‐ They'll come in,
they'll get you all situated.
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Get yourself comfortable.
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Gentle, Soleil.
Squeeze... gentle.
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‐
‐ I'm so dizzy.
191
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♪ peaceful music playing ♪
192
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I'm in pain.
193
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But I'm okay.
194
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Come here.
195
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,673
But you be careful, okay?
‐ All right.
196
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‐ I love you.
‐ Me too.
197
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‐ Your shirt's all wet.
‐ I know, I just got it out of the washer.
198
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‐
‐ Threw it on.
199
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,684
‐ Hey.
‐ I love you.
200
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Now I'm going to be able to be
this person that I wanted to be
201
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:29,565
for so fucking long.
202
00:11:29,565 --> 00:11:32,734
I'm going to be able
to have my own identity.
203
00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:37,573
I just made a change that's gonnaaffect me for the rest of my life.
204
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And I'm happy.
205
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I'm not gonna be knownas Punky Boobster.
206
00:11:42,077 --> 00:11:46,039
And I'll be ableto run around wild and be free.
207
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,625
I've learned a lot, actually.
208
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Ah... you're transcending
into a new person.
209
00:11:53,338 --> 00:11:54,923
And, um...
210
00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:57,926
I think you should be proud of yourself.
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♪ rock guitar playing ♪
212
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:23,368
It wasthis very complicated thing
213
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because I wanted to begrownup so badly.
214
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But Punky resonated so much with people.
215
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:35,422
They don't necessarily wantthat person to grow up, right?
216
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:38,091
‐ I hope you stay small 'cause
I love talking with small girls.
‐ Thank you.
217
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,301
‐ Will you come back again?
‐ Yes.
218
00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:40,886
‐ A pleasure meeting you.
Thank you very much.
219
00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,596
When she was only 7 years old,
220
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:45,766
she was pulling in10,000 fan letters a week.
221
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:50,270
Now actor Soleil Moon Frye is 16 andspeaking out on important teenage issues.
222
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:53,607
Why did you go public
with the breast reduction story?
223
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:56,652
‐ Well, uh, I wanted to be able
to talk to young people
224
00:12:56,652 --> 00:13:00,364
and tell them what I went through,
and, um, dealing with insecurities,
225
00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:02,366
as a young teenager.
226
00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:05,077
And confronting my womanhood
was hard enough,
227
00:13:05,077 --> 00:13:08,080
let alone having this deep insecurity,
which was my breasts.
228
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,667
I was so righteous, in a way,
229
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that I thought, okay,I have this new body.
230
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People will really see me for who I am,
231
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:21,385
and I'll be able to be takenmore seriously.
232
00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:23,595
Action!
233
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:26,765
‐ You fuckin' hit her, man.
‐ She came out of fuckin' nowhere.
234
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:28,809
‐ I saw her fall right here.
‐ Where the fuck is she?
235
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,143
And cut!
‐ Where the fuck is she?
236
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:32,938
Where the fuck is she?
237
00:13:32,938 --> 00:13:35,357
Um, I can't find the sides,
so just tell me what it is?
238
00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:37,192
‐ "You guys, this is serious stuff."
239
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,819
‐ This is serious shit...
240
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:41,822
Can I just say like half of "shit"
and not say...?
241
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,866
‐
All right,
keep going, keep going.
242
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:47,911
I felt like if I shoutedat the top of my lungs and I was brave,
243
00:13:47,911 --> 00:13:50,747
that the world would be accepting of that.
244
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:53,166
‐ Okay, well...
‐ This is really wild.
245
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,377
Okay, that's, uh...
‐ Hi.
246
00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:56,920
That's David there.
How are you?
247
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,758
♪ I'm walkin' the floor over you... ♪
248
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,305
♪
249
00:14:08,432 --> 00:14:10,767
♪
250
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:22,154
‐ So it didn't change the fact
251
00:14:22,154 --> 00:14:25,407
that people still
didn't take me seriously.
252
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:31,288
I think that's where
253
00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:35,042
I started really questioning myself
254
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,919
and feeling more lost.
255
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,507
‐ You know, at that point, I thought
I was on top of the world,
256
00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:44,301
but the lowest pointwas when I did my record.
257
00:14:46,011 --> 00:14:47,387
Hip‐hop was my thing.
258
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:51,433
I grew up listening to NWAand, you know, all that, and like...
259
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:54,102
of course I made a hip‐hop album.
260
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:55,646
It's... it's what I knew.
261
00:14:55,646 --> 00:14:58,440
I remember people not reviewing it well,
262
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:03,195
and that was the first like experienceI had with failure at something.
263
00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:08,700
So I remember at that point like going,"Holy shit, people don't like me,"
264
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:10,869
and, you know, that's when youstart getting in your head
265
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,996
and you start worryingabout what you're wearing
266
00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:16,208
or how you're walkingor what you're doing or
267
00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:17,584
how you're perceived.
268
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:21,463
It was the first time
that I was like really aware of...
269
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:28,220
learning to be who I wanted to be.
270
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:33,684
‐ I think for me...
271
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:37,563
picking up the camera
was a way of controlling it.
272
00:15:38,814 --> 00:15:40,941
A way of saying, "Fuck you.
273
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:43,569
I have my cameraand I'm gonna be an artist."
274
00:15:43,569 --> 00:15:46,321
‐
‐ This is real Hollywood.
275
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:48,448
‐ What's that?
276
00:15:51,410 --> 00:15:52,536
Is that a video camera?
277
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,830
‐ Not used to seeing
a video camera like that...
Hi.
278
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:57,291
Video camera, say hi.
‐ Are you serious?
279
00:15:57,291 --> 00:15:59,168
Yes.
‐ Let me see the other side.
280
00:15:59,877 --> 00:16:02,337
‐ Turn it this way so I can see, too.
281
00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:03,589
You always film.
282
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:08,260
Do I look like crap? Like every time
you put me on this camera...
283
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,012
‐ Press the button, back.
284
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,848
Ooh, hash browns.
285
00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:16,602
This is man's ingenuity, right here.
286
00:16:16,602 --> 00:16:20,522
I started just documentingthe world around me,
287
00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:22,566
documenting my friends,
288
00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:24,443
filming our lives.
289
00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:30,949
‐ Cool camera, dude.
Does it have sound and everything?
290
00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:32,743
‐ What's that?
How can you see me in that thing?
291
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:36,997
It never was a thinglike, "Okay, Soleil is carryinga video camera around."
292
00:16:36,997 --> 00:16:40,209
We never thought, "Oh, well,she's gonna use that in a way
293
00:16:40,209 --> 00:16:42,294
that's gonna come backand haunt us," you know.
294
00:16:42,294 --> 00:16:43,962
Nowadays you see a flash go off
295
00:16:43,962 --> 00:16:46,340
and it's like this thing
in your stomach that goes,
296
00:16:46,340 --> 00:16:49,801
"What was I doing at the moment
that flash went off that can be
used against me?"
297
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:52,679
‐ It's probably good that you did that
or we wouldn't have any of that...
298
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,556
we wouldn't have
any of that footage, you know?
299
00:16:54,556 --> 00:16:57,309
Tell me a little
philosophy in life, baby.
300
00:16:57,309 --> 00:16:59,436
‐ Uh, the philosophy in life's
that you should meet
301
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:02,189
Soleil Moon Frye in your life
once upon a time.
302
00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:04,149
That's what I believe.
303
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:09,571
‐ I'm starting to try to only be
dependent upon myself.
304
00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:12,741
Without being dependent
on anyone else.
305
00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:14,701
Know what I'm saying?
306
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,038
This ain't no video interview or shit.
307
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:21,667
We weren't concernedabout the Internet.
308
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:26,004
It was pre‐Internet exploding, right?
309
00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:27,923
So people's relationship with the camera,
310
00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:30,467
nobody was... was on all the time.
311
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:32,845
They were just being themselves.
312
00:17:32,845 --> 00:17:34,304
So, what's your philosophy?
313
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:36,807
I mean, what attracts you
to men more than women?
314
00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:41,645
‐ It's... it's something I'm
just born with, a feeling I have.
315
00:17:41,645 --> 00:17:43,772
Does everything have to be
sex with women?
316
00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:52,322
‐ The philosophies of life...
317
00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:54,950
is to have as much fun as possible
318
00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:57,494
without hurting anybody along the way.
319
00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:01,498
‐ You've got so many hours
of boring videotape on there.
320
00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:08,463
‐ Aha! Whoo!
321
00:18:10,841 --> 00:18:12,342
Slow down, dude!
322
00:18:22,019 --> 00:18:23,520
‐ Checking in.
323
00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:27,566
Going out to dinner tonight...
324
00:18:27,566 --> 00:18:28,817
Have fun, guys.
325
00:18:30,319 --> 00:18:34,698
‐ History was just kind of chugging along
until the '90s and then it went...
326
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:41,496
That was 40 minutes of nonstop K‐Rock,Jane's Addiction, Erasure,
327
00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:45,334
INXS, English Beat, Primal Scream,U2, and, uh, sometime real soon,
328
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:47,044
tickets to the replacement show.
329
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:52,216
Should be on our way
to Santa Barbara by now.
Should be on our way. Shit.
330
00:18:52,216 --> 00:18:53,675
Jenny, what are we gonna do?
331
00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:55,052
‐ He's going to jail.
332
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:58,680
I just hope he doesn't find my gun.
333
00:19:01,225 --> 00:19:02,267
I'm kidding.
334
00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:05,270
Yeah.
335
00:19:07,648 --> 00:19:09,149
Weapons, artillery?
336
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:12,569
Drugs?
337
00:19:14,530 --> 00:19:16,657
Got some of those, too.
338
00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:20,577
We did so many of the thingsthat teenagers did.
339
00:19:20,577 --> 00:19:22,913
We just happened to be in Hollywood.
340
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:25,958
‐ I'm really stoned.
341
00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:27,709
‐ Whoo!
‐ ♪ hard rock music playing ♪
342
00:19:31,672 --> 00:19:36,218
‐ You don't need drugs to be cool,
and if you have any problem,
please call. L'chaim! To life!
343
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:37,636
♪ rock music continues ♪
344
00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:39,304
Happy are we!
345
00:19:39,304 --> 00:19:41,640
I can sneak out with friends,
346
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,476
tell my mom that I was going outto hang out with friends,
347
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:47,020
and I could go to any club and get in.
348
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:51,108
‐ The first club that we really
started going insane at was Bar One.
349
00:19:51,108 --> 00:19:53,110
Bar One was fucking insane.
350
00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:56,613
‐ Haaa!
351
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:59,950
You don't haveto take drugs to be cool.You're cool within yourselves.
352
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:03,912
Believe in yourself,believe in what you can do,and you can make anything happen,
353
00:20:03,912 --> 00:20:05,247
anywhere.
354
00:20:05,247 --> 00:20:08,625
Just say no‐‐ If somebody offers yousomething, wants to sell you drugs,
355
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,794
say no, say, hell no!
356
00:20:10,794 --> 00:20:15,883
I used to say, "Just say no to drugs,"
and now I'm just too busy saying yeah!
357
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:18,135
‐ You are listening to 106.7 K‐Rock.
358
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:19,720
Next up we got Punky Brewster.
359
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:24,141
She's gonna discuss candidly her bouts
with alcoholism, heroin abuse,
360
00:20:24,141 --> 00:20:26,435
and teenage prostitution, am I right?
361
00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:28,854
‐ No!
‐ All right, well, take one of them.
362
00:20:28,854 --> 00:20:32,232
There we go. Oh, yeah!
363
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:34,568
Oh, yeah, baby.
364
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:41,950
♪ rock music continues ♪
365
00:20:43,202 --> 00:20:45,204
We, uh, we got away with everything.
366
00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:48,498
‐ It got pretty crazy.
It was like our '60s, right?
367
00:20:58,383 --> 00:21:00,928
You threw up?
‐ Should I just toss it in?
368
00:21:00,928 --> 00:21:03,639
You can't watch me taking
this fucking shit, it's so gross.
369
00:21:06,058 --> 00:21:07,893
You wanna take a hit of this?
370
00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:21,281
‐ I'm so fucked up, it's ridiculous.
371
00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:26,203
‐ Come here, gimme your hand.
Gimme your hand.
372
00:21:26,203 --> 00:21:28,830
‐ I am trippin' hard, Corey.
I love it.
373
00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:32,751
I'm gonna just take this thing...
Where's my lighter?
374
00:21:32,751 --> 00:21:34,920
No, it's okay.
Where's my lighter?
375
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,172
Oh, I found another one
with no spots.
376
00:21:38,090 --> 00:21:39,591
‐ I'm in fuckin' ecstasy.
377
00:21:39,591 --> 00:21:41,260
Check it out, look at this one.
378
00:21:42,553 --> 00:21:44,513
Look at this one.
‐ Let me see it. Can I have it?
379
00:21:44,513 --> 00:21:45,806
‐ Oh, shit, hold on.
380
00:21:45,806 --> 00:21:48,183
‐ Will you let me have it
for a little while? I'll baby‐sit.
381
00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:50,310
It's raining, you guys.
It's raining.
382
00:21:50,310 --> 00:21:52,479
We gotta go.
Look at the raindrops.
383
00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:54,439
Oh, my God,
look at the raindrops. Wow!
384
00:21:54,439 --> 00:21:56,358
‐ Dude, I'm queasy.
385
00:21:56,358 --> 00:21:57,693
Do you feel happy?
386
00:21:57,693 --> 00:22:00,070
All of the sudden, you like
the place that you're in
387
00:22:00,070 --> 00:22:01,738
and the car's nice.
388
00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:03,615
‐
‐ I like the car now.
389
00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,742
I didn't like the car 'cause
I wasn't friends with the car,
390
00:22:05,742 --> 00:22:08,036
but now I'm friends with the car,
so now it's fine.
391
00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:10,163
I like the raindrops.
392
00:22:11,707 --> 00:22:14,376
♪ singing along with romantic ballad ♪
393
00:22:15,419 --> 00:22:16,920
Seriously, Soleil? Nobody's...
394
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:18,297
‐ I think I've fallen in love.
395
00:22:18,297 --> 00:22:20,841
I honestly do, and I'm kind of scared.
What do you think about that?
396
00:22:20,841 --> 00:22:22,885
‐ I really don't want anybody
to ever see these tapes,
397
00:22:22,885 --> 00:22:24,303
because I feel like I'm mad!
398
00:22:33,937 --> 00:22:36,398
♪ I can't take this... ♪
399
00:22:36,398 --> 00:22:38,609
‐ Oh, yeah.
‐
400
00:22:40,068 --> 00:22:43,447
I have such a soft spotin my heart for mushrooms,I must tell you,
401
00:22:43,447 --> 00:22:44,781
because of that experience.
402
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:46,867
Our lives were very full.
403
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,808
I had a lot of crushes as a kid.
404
00:23:12,768 --> 00:23:15,062
I think I was always tryingto find my true love,
405
00:23:15,062 --> 00:23:17,731
and I wanted to find true love.
406
00:23:27,157 --> 00:23:28,825
I was the kissing queen.
407
00:23:29,618 --> 00:23:32,496
The funniest is that I was
the last virgin of all my friends.
408
00:23:42,506 --> 00:23:44,132
I was a big talker.
409
00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:48,637
Not having a traditional childhood
410
00:23:48,637 --> 00:23:51,223
or a father that was always around,
411
00:23:51,223 --> 00:23:55,352
I think part of me really wanted
to feel accepted.
412
00:23:57,104 --> 00:23:58,730
I met Danny...
413
00:24:00,232 --> 00:24:02,109
through a friend.
414
00:24:02,109 --> 00:24:04,111
Soleil is gonna
win the game right here.
415
00:24:04,111 --> 00:24:05,779
He was really my best friend.
416
00:24:05,779 --> 00:24:07,406
‐
‐ Take the little one.
417
00:24:07,406 --> 00:24:09,491
It's her wand. Boing!
418
00:24:09,491 --> 00:24:12,369
He saw the creative in me.
419
00:24:12,369 --> 00:24:15,914
And he also accepted me for me.
420
00:24:16,790 --> 00:24:19,543
Those early memories of us
421
00:24:19,543 --> 00:24:24,256
I remember being really, really joyful.
422
00:24:24,256 --> 00:24:26,300
‐
Soleil, it's Danny.
423
00:24:26,300 --> 00:24:28,969
I hope to see you at nine o'clock, buddy.
424
00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:34,641
‐ ♪ hip‐hop playing ♪
‐ ♪ Uh! ♪
425
00:24:36,643 --> 00:24:37,811
♪ Uh! ♪
426
00:24:40,689 --> 00:24:42,649
♪ Uh! Uh!... ♪
427
00:24:42,649 --> 00:24:46,945
He had this groupthat he was in called House of Pain.
428
00:24:46,945 --> 00:24:50,407
And House of Pain came out
429
00:24:50,407 --> 00:24:55,412
and it was the biggest albumat the time.
430
00:24:55,412 --> 00:24:57,998
"Jump Around" was everywhere.
431
00:24:57,998 --> 00:25:00,000
It was the hit song.
432
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,044
Every club you went to,they were playing "Jump Around."
433
00:25:02,044 --> 00:25:03,128
Everywhere you went.
434
00:25:03,128 --> 00:25:07,716
He was getting to the height of his fameand there was cars and girls
435
00:25:07,716 --> 00:25:11,345
and Hells Angelsand actors and rappers,
436
00:25:11,345 --> 00:25:13,305
and everybody wanted to be around him.
437
00:25:13,305 --> 00:25:15,641
And he was really the life of the party.
438
00:25:15,641 --> 00:25:20,187
And somehow he wanted me a part of it.
439
00:25:24,441 --> 00:25:26,652
I had my video camera.
440
00:25:27,236 --> 00:25:30,113
And he encouraged me to document it all.
441
00:25:31,448 --> 00:25:33,492
He's like, "Here's our world.
442
00:25:33,492 --> 00:25:36,078
You're an artist.
Go ahead, roll the camera."
443
00:25:36,703 --> 00:25:38,705
♪ acoustic guitar playing ♪
444
00:25:42,918 --> 00:25:46,505
♪ Girl, you're gone ♪
445
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:50,217
♪ Girl, you're gone ♪
446
00:25:50,884 --> 00:25:53,846
♪ You searched your whole damn life ♪
447
00:25:53,846 --> 00:25:56,014
♪ To be gone ♪
448
00:25:57,891 --> 00:26:01,520
♪ Are you saved ♪
449
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,731
♪ Have you been saved ♪
450
00:26:06,358 --> 00:26:07,651
♪ Every single day... ♪
451
00:26:07,651 --> 00:26:10,612
Danny's world was wild
452
00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:13,323
with rock and roll, with hip‐hop.
453
00:26:13,323 --> 00:26:16,076
♪ You knew this day would come... ♪
454
00:26:16,076 --> 00:26:17,995
‐ Soleil.
455
00:26:19,580 --> 00:26:20,956
It was confusing.
456
00:26:20,956 --> 00:26:24,334
We would both be dating other people,but then we'd kiss,
457
00:26:24,334 --> 00:26:26,712
but we were best friends.
458
00:26:27,504 --> 00:26:30,549
And it was like a fucking volcano,
459
00:26:30,549 --> 00:26:33,594
and it was building and building
and building until it erupted.
460
00:26:34,178 --> 00:26:37,806
And then we had to face
the consequences of living on the edge.
461
00:26:49,693 --> 00:26:51,361
Tell me a story, Danny.
462
00:26:52,821 --> 00:26:55,157
‐ Damn, do all girls know
that line, or what?
463
00:26:57,367 --> 00:26:59,453
‐ I don't know any stories.
I only know bad stories.
464
00:26:59,453 --> 00:27:01,538
No good stories, no...
Tell me a bad story.
465
00:27:01,538 --> 00:27:02,789
‐ ...romantic stories.
466
00:27:02,789 --> 00:27:05,667
Tell you a story right now,
a story about alcohol.
467
00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:34,029
♪ The sadness in your eyes... ♪
468
00:27:35,864 --> 00:27:37,866
My happy days.
469
00:27:40,202 --> 00:27:41,495
Especially with Danny.
470
00:27:42,204 --> 00:27:43,247
Oh, God.
471
00:27:44,665 --> 00:27:46,166
If this is what life is like,
472
00:27:46,875 --> 00:27:49,336
I picked the wrong time to be alive.
473
00:27:49,336 --> 00:27:53,757
I think that as he was going down
this darker path
474
00:27:53,757 --> 00:27:57,261
that he knew it was time to...
475
00:27:57,261 --> 00:27:59,763
to pass the torch in a way.
476
00:28:12,067 --> 00:28:14,653
Please. I'm not in a good mood.
477
00:28:14,653 --> 00:28:16,697
Good, this is what I want on tape.
478
00:28:16,697 --> 00:28:18,490
Soleil not smiling for once,
479
00:28:18,490 --> 00:28:20,576
like the whole world thinks
she always is.
480
00:28:38,343 --> 00:28:42,556
‐ I think we all must have felt
lonely in some ways,
481
00:28:42,556 --> 00:28:45,559
or at least some of us more than others.
482
00:28:47,227 --> 00:28:50,564
I know that in retrospect,and watching these videos.
483
00:28:53,150 --> 00:28:55,444
And watching the videos where...
484
00:28:56,486 --> 00:29:01,325
friends were so obviously
reaching out for help
485
00:29:01,325 --> 00:29:03,911
or listening to the audio tapes
486
00:29:03,911 --> 00:29:06,496
and realizing that...
487
00:29:09,958 --> 00:29:14,338
some of my friends really
needed to be heard...
488
00:29:15,088 --> 00:29:16,798
and to have a friend listen.
489
00:29:18,675 --> 00:29:21,386
I didn't hear it, and I didn't see it.
490
00:29:21,386 --> 00:29:24,264
I only see it in retrospect.
491
00:29:24,264 --> 00:29:26,308
Twenty‐some‐odd years later.
492
00:29:31,396 --> 00:29:33,815
So tell me the philosophy of life,
493
00:29:33,815 --> 00:29:35,317
about happiness and all that shit.
494
00:29:35,317 --> 00:29:38,737
‐ I haven't found it, that's why
I'm an unhappy person with myself.
495
00:29:38,737 --> 00:29:40,197
You're unhappy?
496
00:29:40,197 --> 00:29:43,700
‐ Yeah, I told my mom
that I was insane today, and, um...
497
00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:45,494
she cried.
498
00:29:45,494 --> 00:29:46,995
But the sad...
‐ You really think you're insane?
499
00:29:46,995 --> 00:29:48,330
‐ Yeah, that's the sad thing.
500
00:29:48,330 --> 00:29:50,874
I mean, everybody
thinks about suicide, but...
501
00:29:51,750 --> 00:29:54,962
I mean, I've really,
really contemplated it.
502
00:29:56,046 --> 00:29:58,006
Stop the camera, please.
503
00:29:59,299 --> 00:30:02,094
And they end up committing suicide.
504
00:30:04,721 --> 00:30:06,849
And I didn't see it back then.
505
00:30:07,432 --> 00:30:09,476
‐
‐ Soleil, this is Jonathan.
506
00:30:09,476 --> 00:30:11,436
I don't know if you gotmy message last night.
507
00:30:11,436 --> 00:30:13,730
I wanna start off a new page.
508
00:30:13,730 --> 00:30:16,108
Soleil, it's Jonathan.It's about ten o'clock on Thursday.
509
00:30:16,108 --> 00:30:18,694
You're not home. Where the hell are you?You know what, you need a pager.
510
00:30:19,695 --> 00:30:23,740
When I hear Jonathan'srecordings over and over and
511
00:30:23,740 --> 00:30:25,784
the amount of love that was there...
512
00:30:26,201 --> 00:30:30,122
and that he must have been
going through so much pain.
513
00:30:34,543 --> 00:30:37,296
Rise and shine, sleepy head.
514
00:30:38,755 --> 00:30:41,675
Um, you know, and if I couldcome over for the holidays,
515
00:30:41,675 --> 00:30:44,761
it'd be my pleasure,and I love you, Soleil.
516
00:30:46,221 --> 00:30:49,266
I found a diarythe other day that...
517
00:30:50,017 --> 00:30:52,811
said that we had spokenabout getting married someday
518
00:30:52,811 --> 00:30:54,188
and having a family.
519
00:30:55,564 --> 00:30:57,482
I love you, Soleil.
520
00:30:57,482 --> 00:31:00,319
I love her. I've always loved her.
521
00:31:02,654 --> 00:31:04,489
‐
One.
522
00:31:16,210 --> 00:31:18,378
‐ I don't know, sometimes people...
523
00:31:19,588 --> 00:31:22,883
just are kind of done with this world.
524
00:31:23,300 --> 00:31:26,720
As sad as that sounds,
they just, it's too painful.
525
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:30,265
It's like they've done it and...
and they just don't want to anymore,
526
00:31:30,265 --> 00:31:32,226
which is really sad because...
527
00:31:32,851 --> 00:31:37,689
it gets better and,
you know, life's worth fighting for.
528
00:31:44,947 --> 00:31:47,366
‐ How do you remember so far back?
529
00:31:54,665 --> 00:31:56,583
‐
Sorry you're not there, baby.
530
00:31:56,583 --> 00:31:58,126
This is your daddy.
531
00:31:58,126 --> 00:32:02,297
Stay home because the copsare out and gangs are out and...
532
00:32:02,297 --> 00:32:05,050
people are burning downEast Los Angeles again.
533
00:32:05,676 --> 00:32:08,178
And for good reason, unfortunately.
534
00:32:12,057 --> 00:32:14,268
There's gonna be
another one, you guys.
535
00:32:14,268 --> 00:32:17,271
Well, it obviously was
a fairly large quake.
536
00:32:17,271 --> 00:32:18,772
I would estimate...
537
00:32:22,234 --> 00:32:24,152
Attention, all units and stations.
538
00:32:24,152 --> 00:32:26,113
Attempt to locate 187 suspect
539
00:32:26,113 --> 00:32:29,283
in a white 1993 Ford Bronco.
540
00:32:40,169 --> 00:32:42,588
‐ This is really the first time...
541
00:32:43,672 --> 00:32:46,633
that I'm trying to just strip away...
542
00:32:47,926 --> 00:32:49,469
the mask...
543
00:32:52,973 --> 00:32:55,517
all of it, and just go, "Here I am."
544
00:32:58,645 --> 00:33:00,981
I drank whatever they gave me.
545
00:33:11,658 --> 00:33:13,202
‐ I don't know what happened.
546
00:33:45,859 --> 00:33:47,736
♪ ethereal music playing ♪
547
00:33:50,948 --> 00:33:53,116
‐ I can't even think right now.
548
00:33:53,659 --> 00:33:56,828
‐ Have to start,
People magazine cover recently.
549
00:33:56,828 --> 00:33:59,164
‐ Big story on you!
‐
550
00:33:59,164 --> 00:34:01,792
Let me tell you why I bring that up,
because we've done shows
551
00:34:01,792 --> 00:34:04,127
with kids your age talking about
the peer pressure
552
00:34:04,127 --> 00:34:06,421
and the fact that you were gutsy enough
to come out and say,
553
00:34:06,421 --> 00:34:08,340
"Hey, listen, fight it,
you don't need that."
554
00:34:08,340 --> 00:34:11,009
‐ Right. I'm not all breasts.
I'm also a virgin, everybody.
555
00:34:11,009 --> 00:34:14,596
Yes, I am a virgin, and I am proud of it,
and the reason I talked about it
556
00:34:14,596 --> 00:34:17,391
was because I believe that young people
should have the right to say no.
557
00:34:17,391 --> 00:34:21,061
A lot of young women don't know
that they have the right
558
00:34:21,061 --> 00:34:24,439
to say, "Wait a second, I wanna wait.
Let's go and get tested together."
559
00:34:24,439 --> 00:34:27,276
You know, there's a lot of scary diseases
the young people are confronted with.
560
00:34:27,276 --> 00:34:30,320
And as young women,
I think that we have the right,
561
00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:32,698
and also as young men,
to say, "Wait a second, let's wait.
562
00:34:32,698 --> 00:34:35,409
"Let's see, let's make sure we're in love,
let's make sure that, you know,
563
00:34:35,409 --> 00:34:37,202
that we can trust each other."
564
00:35:05,772 --> 00:35:09,193
"An incredible childhood,a single mother,whom loved us with all her heart.
565
00:35:09,193 --> 00:35:10,986
"A father who, althoughhe was not always there,
566
00:35:10,986 --> 00:35:13,155
"told me he loved me forever,and I believed him.
567
00:35:13,155 --> 00:35:16,658
"My brother helped raise me and alwaysmade me feel safe and cared for.
568
00:35:16,658 --> 00:35:18,160
"I grew up playing make‐believe.
569
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:20,954
"I loved actingand it was part of my everyday.
570
00:35:20,954 --> 00:35:23,665
"I was still 100% a kid and daughter.
571
00:35:23,665 --> 00:35:25,000
"Laughter filled our house often.
572
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:26,919
"We were never forcedin front of the camera.
573
00:35:26,919 --> 00:35:29,421
"It was something we wanted to do 1,000%.
574
00:35:29,421 --> 00:35:32,549
"We went to summer campand celebrated all holidays.
575
00:35:32,549 --> 00:35:35,093
"Traveled the worldand had wonderful friends.
576
00:35:36,011 --> 00:35:38,305
"I'm an incredibly nostalgic person.
577
00:35:38,305 --> 00:35:42,309
"And I think much of that is dueto the love that existed around.
578
00:35:45,395 --> 00:35:47,898
"I met him somewhere around 17 or 18.
579
00:35:47,898 --> 00:35:50,067
"I was drawn to him immediately.
580
00:35:50,067 --> 00:35:52,402
"He wrangled me with his sweet charm.
581
00:35:52,402 --> 00:35:55,656
"I wanted to give into the sweet
and loving person that he was.
582
00:35:55,656 --> 00:35:57,574
"But there was also another side
that existed,
583
00:35:57,574 --> 00:36:00,118
"who was hard and tough, harsh and cold.
584
00:36:00,118 --> 00:36:04,039
"We were making out and getting close
to me finally letting go of myself.
585
00:36:04,039 --> 00:36:08,252
"Almost ready to give my innocence
to this person that I cared about deeply.
586
00:36:08,252 --> 00:36:11,672
"As he laid on top of me,
I realized I was not ready.
587
00:36:11,672 --> 00:36:15,676
"Frustrated, he did not roll over
or get up and leave the room.
588
00:36:15,676 --> 00:36:18,595
"Instead, he chose
to thrust himself in me,
589
00:36:18,595 --> 00:36:20,973
"at which point I tried to push him off.
590
00:36:20,973 --> 00:36:24,434
"He got up and left the room.
I was in shock.
591
00:36:25,435 --> 00:36:27,813
"We had not made love,
we had not had sex.
592
00:36:27,813 --> 00:36:29,147
"It was a thrust.
593
00:36:29,773 --> 00:36:33,485
"But my 17‐year‐old mind
and body was confused.
594
00:36:34,111 --> 00:36:36,488
"What happened next
was something I'll never forget.
595
00:36:36,488 --> 00:36:40,742
"I walked into the next room where he sat,
obviously upset with me, watching TV,
596
00:36:40,742 --> 00:36:43,120
"and without looking me
in the eyes, he said,
597
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:45,414
"'So how does it feel
not to be a virgin anymore?'
598
00:36:50,627 --> 00:36:53,338
"He asked if I would say he raped me.
599
00:36:54,256 --> 00:36:55,591
"But I wouldn't.
600
00:36:55,591 --> 00:36:58,927
"I was also to blame for my forwardness.
601
00:37:01,763 --> 00:37:04,016
"I do not regret my actions.
602
00:37:05,017 --> 00:37:08,478
"Like I've always believed,
let the pain be my scars.
603
00:37:09,813 --> 00:37:13,233
"And this person has
a million faces that I still love.
604
00:37:16,236 --> 00:37:18,280
"The water is clear and pure.
605
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:21,575
"If a bug lands in the water,you don't drink it.
606
00:37:21,575 --> 00:37:23,577
"It's no longer clean.
607
00:37:23,577 --> 00:37:25,829
"You look for another glass of water.
608
00:37:27,581 --> 00:37:30,083
"I glance upon this glass of water
in front of me
609
00:37:30,083 --> 00:37:31,668
"with the bug floating on top,
610
00:37:31,668 --> 00:37:34,129
and I wonder how symbolic
this is to me."
611
00:37:40,177 --> 00:37:41,678
I‐I don't think I ever‐‐
612
00:37:41,678 --> 00:37:44,389
I never really dealt with it
because I never shared it,
613
00:37:44,389 --> 00:37:45,849
so I just locked it away.
614
00:37:45,849 --> 00:37:49,520
I... I locked it away in my vault, and...
615
00:37:50,062 --> 00:37:52,773
and I wrote this happy story
616
00:37:52,773 --> 00:37:56,360
or this story that was
really joyful and...
617
00:37:58,028 --> 00:38:01,698
for me that, that, that
I could wrap my head around.
618
00:38:01,698 --> 00:38:04,409
And that was just
a part of my life that I...
619
00:38:04,409 --> 00:38:08,163
that I put in a vault,
that I never wanted to open up.
620
00:38:09,706 --> 00:38:13,502
And so I wasn't comfortabletalking to my mom or my brother
621
00:38:13,502 --> 00:38:15,087
or my family or my friends.
622
00:38:16,672 --> 00:38:18,590
And I just locked it away my whole life.
623
00:38:20,634 --> 00:38:23,303
And it's only beenthrough this experience...
624
00:38:24,388 --> 00:38:25,639
that, uh...
625
00:38:26,974 --> 00:38:28,851
that I've even had to face it.
626
00:38:32,062 --> 00:38:35,232
So, it goes to this whole thing
around memory and...
627
00:38:36,316 --> 00:38:38,944
are memories real or
628
00:38:38,944 --> 00:38:42,447
are they the stories that we
wanna tell ourselves, you know?
629
00:38:45,534 --> 00:38:47,494
‐
Hello?
630
00:38:48,078 --> 00:38:49,371
Soleil, are you there?
631
00:38:49,371 --> 00:38:51,665
You're not there, it's Charles calling.
632
00:38:53,292 --> 00:38:55,794
‐ "December 18th, 1994.
633
00:38:55,794 --> 00:38:57,796
"I lost my virginity.
634
00:38:57,796 --> 00:39:00,799
"He was my first.Who would have known?
635
00:39:00,799 --> 00:39:03,844
It's been the most strange
and incredible day ever."
636
00:39:03,844 --> 00:39:05,929
Hi!
637
00:39:06,597 --> 00:39:08,140
‐ Soleil Moon Frye.
638
00:39:08,140 --> 00:39:11,310
I don't truly know howto explain my feelings.
639
00:39:11,310 --> 00:39:13,562
He's somebody I've hada crush on for years.
640
00:39:13,562 --> 00:39:16,899
He's a person that intrigues meand excites me.
641
00:39:16,899 --> 00:39:20,235
Let's hear it
for Andre Agassi, you guys!
642
00:39:20,235 --> 00:39:21,778
"We smoked a cigarette.
643
00:39:21,778 --> 00:39:25,824
He whispered softly as he simply askedwhat my fantasies are."
644
00:39:25,824 --> 00:39:28,911
‐
Hey, Soleil, it's, uh, Charles calling.
645
00:39:29,620 --> 00:39:34,416
Uh, it is Wednesday nightat about eleven o'clock,
646
00:39:34,416 --> 00:39:37,211
and, uh, I gotta talk to you.
647
00:39:37,211 --> 00:39:39,379
‐ Are we on right now?
648
00:39:53,644 --> 00:39:55,103
‐ We don't know he's Caucasian.
649
00:40:00,734 --> 00:40:03,028
‐ Soleil, what's with the camera?
What's with the camera?
650
00:40:03,028 --> 00:40:04,404
What's with the whole thing?
651
00:40:04,905 --> 00:40:06,573
Come on.
‐ Was it...
652
00:40:06,573 --> 00:40:08,867
Was it Keanu? Billy Baldwin?
653
00:40:08,867 --> 00:40:11,453
‐ The tape is almost at the end,
so you have to end this tape somehow.
654
00:40:11,453 --> 00:40:13,247
‐ The tape's at the end?
‐ It's almost to its end.
655
00:40:13,247 --> 00:40:15,415
‐ You know all about
how these things work, don't you?
656
00:40:18,502 --> 00:40:22,297
‐ I think I was drawn
towards the extremes...
657
00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:29,805
because I wanted to feel it all
and I wanted to experience it all and...
658
00:40:29,805 --> 00:40:33,267
but I don't know if it goes back to
659
00:40:33,267 --> 00:40:35,352
my relationship with my father.
660
00:40:35,894 --> 00:40:38,647
My relationship to men,
661
00:40:39,314 --> 00:40:42,109
that need to feel loved.
662
00:40:44,319 --> 00:40:47,531
‐ We had some life lessons to learn, so...
663
00:40:47,531 --> 00:40:50,784
Back then I didn't quite understand
664
00:40:50,784 --> 00:40:53,620
how real it got
at certain moments in time.
665
00:40:54,580 --> 00:40:56,582
Life gets rough.
666
00:40:56,582 --> 00:41:00,043
It was all kind of innocent to begin with.
667
00:41:01,378 --> 00:41:04,840
Then it just started progressive,
as it does,
668
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:06,717
getting a little more insane
669
00:41:06,717 --> 00:41:10,137
and different drugs started
coming into play.
670
00:41:10,137 --> 00:41:13,223
Acid, mushrooms and... coke.
671
00:41:13,223 --> 00:41:15,809
And then crack.
672
00:41:17,019 --> 00:41:18,562
And to heroin.
673
00:41:18,562 --> 00:41:21,190
But, uh, we smoked it.
674
00:41:21,190 --> 00:41:23,692
I never did anything else
than that, but...
675
00:41:23,692 --> 00:41:24,818
that was enough.
676
00:41:24,818 --> 00:41:25,986
I mean...
677
00:41:26,570 --> 00:41:30,908
I always did this little thing
where I'd do it
and then not do it for a long time,
678
00:41:30,908 --> 00:41:33,952
where I wouldn't get
so super strung out or anything.
679
00:41:33,952 --> 00:41:37,581
Which isn't any excuse, but it...
680
00:41:37,581 --> 00:41:41,460
maybe kept me from dying,
you know what I mean?
681
00:41:42,461 --> 00:41:44,087
It got dark for a while.
682
00:41:44,087 --> 00:41:45,923
Did Paul talk about it at all?
683
00:41:46,882 --> 00:41:50,969
‐ There was a few years
stretch in there where
684
00:41:50,969 --> 00:41:55,098
it seemed like I was losing
a friend every week.
685
00:41:56,433 --> 00:41:59,895
‐ You know, you'd hope
that you'd live to be old and...
686
00:41:59,895 --> 00:42:01,605
I mean, that's probably the fairy tale.
687
00:42:17,996 --> 00:42:20,749
What do you think of this place?
‐ What do I think of this place?
688
00:42:23,043 --> 00:42:25,295
I have a lot of thoughts on this place.
689
00:42:25,295 --> 00:42:28,173
I've decided that I probably wanna check
something else out for a while.
690
00:42:28,173 --> 00:42:30,676
This place makes me pretty upset.
691
00:42:32,511 --> 00:42:34,429
Yeah? What does it do to you?
692
00:42:40,435 --> 00:42:43,272
By 18, I was readyto move out of Hollywood.
693
00:42:44,231 --> 00:42:47,359
I had experienced some pain.
694
00:42:48,443 --> 00:42:51,530
I had lost some of my innocence.
695
00:42:51,530 --> 00:42:53,782
And... and I was ready
to move on, to be honest.
696
00:42:53,782 --> 00:42:55,868
I was ready for
the next stage of my life.
697
00:42:57,578 --> 00:42:59,663
Eighteen years old.
Next thing you know...
698
00:43:00,497 --> 00:43:01,832
you're gonna be 40.
699
00:43:01,832 --> 00:43:04,376
‐
‐ Turn it off.
700
00:43:04,376 --> 00:43:07,588
‐ You and I, we liked to think about...
701
00:43:08,172 --> 00:43:11,508
"Hmm, that would be amazing,
I wanna try that."
702
00:43:11,508 --> 00:43:13,760
‐ I think I was trying
to find something more.
703
00:43:13,802 --> 00:43:19,641
I wanted to be taken seriously,by my peers, by my craft.
704
00:43:19,641 --> 00:43:21,810
‐ It was almost like you wanted to...
705
00:43:21,810 --> 00:43:24,980
it's all in,
it's all in the same vein
706
00:43:24,980 --> 00:43:27,733
of like wanting to, um...
707
00:43:27,733 --> 00:43:29,943
capture as much life,
have as much life,
708
00:43:29,943 --> 00:43:32,321
have as many experiences as you can.
709
00:43:32,321 --> 00:43:36,700
‐ And I thought there was no better
place to do it than the Actors Studio
710
00:43:36,700 --> 00:43:38,202
and going to New York City.
711
00:43:38,202 --> 00:43:41,288
‐
They invited me...
712
00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:43,123
‐ That's all I gotta say.
713
00:43:45,334 --> 00:43:48,003
I've got a big crack
across my camera lens.
714
00:43:48,003 --> 00:43:50,172
‐ Did I do that to your lens?
‐ Yeah.
715
00:43:50,172 --> 00:43:53,175
‐ I don't like it. It looks cracked, bro.
716
00:43:53,175 --> 00:43:54,384
Is it?
717
00:44:20,369 --> 00:44:22,371
♪ acoustic guitar playing ♪
718
00:44:27,793 --> 00:44:30,462
‐ I sure love you, and I'm gonna
miss you, my baby cakes.
719
00:44:30,462 --> 00:44:33,507
That's my baby that's going to college,
and I am so proud of her.
720
00:44:33,507 --> 00:44:34,800
Look at her.
721
00:44:40,973 --> 00:44:43,934
‐ This is my childhood wall,
and now I'm leaving.
722
00:44:47,855 --> 00:44:51,191
Soleil Moon Frye signing off
in her room for one last time.
723
00:44:53,193 --> 00:44:56,196
‐ I will put together
a Mommy Love package for you for college,
724
00:44:56,196 --> 00:45:00,075
but right now I want you to have
one of my most treasured protective pieces
725
00:45:00,075 --> 00:45:01,952
and that's my Buddha bracelet.
726
00:45:05,455 --> 00:45:06,665
‐ Mom.
727
00:45:07,332 --> 00:45:08,834
‐
Kisses.
728
00:45:10,377 --> 00:45:11,879
Okay, just shut the door.
729
00:45:11,879 --> 00:45:14,840
♪ Just be my little woman ♪
730
00:45:15,757 --> 00:45:17,759
♪ Just be my lover ♪
731
00:45:18,594 --> 00:45:19,970
♪ Oh ♪
732
00:45:19,970 --> 00:45:22,097
♪ I need me somebody ♪
733
00:45:28,812 --> 00:45:32,149
We are rushing.
Soleil is rushing to make this flight.
734
00:45:32,149 --> 00:45:33,317
We're late.
735
00:45:34,109 --> 00:45:36,737
New York. See, I'm getting ready
to pass through this line.
736
00:45:38,322 --> 00:45:40,365
Excuse me, sir.
737
00:45:40,991 --> 00:45:42,201
Oh, my God.
738
00:45:42,201 --> 00:45:43,827
I'm freaking out.
739
00:45:43,827 --> 00:45:45,162
I'm just so happy right now.
740
00:45:48,999 --> 00:45:52,085
She's getting ready
to go to college.
She wants it on film.
741
00:45:52,085 --> 00:45:55,797
‐ This reminds me of like
the summer camp with my family,
742
00:45:55,797 --> 00:45:58,258
and they drop you at camp,
and you're like, "Okay, bye,"
743
00:45:58,258 --> 00:46:00,177
and you're all sad because
you're gonna say goodbye to them
744
00:46:00,177 --> 00:46:02,888
and you're so young, you know, so it's
like your first time out in the world.
745
00:46:02,888 --> 00:46:04,473
You meet so many new people.
746
00:46:04,473 --> 00:46:08,018
And so this is like it, like,
at a new age, so it's really hard.
747
00:46:08,018 --> 00:46:09,478
Mommy, I love you.
748
00:46:09,478 --> 00:46:11,230
‐ I love you, baby cakes.
749
00:46:11,230 --> 00:46:12,356
Bye, honey.
750
00:46:13,232 --> 00:46:14,775
Daddy, I love you.
751
00:46:14,775 --> 00:46:18,445
♪ acoustic guitar playing ♪
752
00:46:30,123 --> 00:46:32,167
Ladies and gentlemen,we welcome you
753
00:46:32,167 --> 00:46:34,711
to New York'sJohn F. Kennedy International Airport.
754
00:46:34,711 --> 00:46:37,297
♪ Start spreading the news ♪
755
00:46:37,297 --> 00:46:38,924
♪ Spreading the news ♪
756
00:46:38,924 --> 00:46:41,009
♪ I'm goin' today ♪
757
00:46:41,009 --> 00:46:43,136
♪ I'm goin' today ♪
758
00:46:43,136 --> 00:46:48,016
♪ I want to be a part of it ♪
759
00:46:48,016 --> 00:46:50,477
♪ New York, New York ♪
760
00:46:50,477 --> 00:46:52,479
Don't you love that song?
Yeah.
761
00:46:52,479 --> 00:46:55,607
♪ These little town blues ♪
762
00:46:55,607 --> 00:46:57,484
♪ In New York ♪
763
00:46:57,484 --> 00:46:59,570
♪ Singing the blues ♪
764
00:47:00,404 --> 00:47:02,739
♪ New York, New York... ♪
765
00:47:03,657 --> 00:47:04,825
Whoo!
766
00:47:09,872 --> 00:47:13,709
Life in New York has gotten miserable.
Looking for an apartment is hell.
767
00:47:13,709 --> 00:47:15,377
And I'm about to fucking die.
768
00:47:16,670 --> 00:47:18,213
‐ Can you see me?
769
00:47:18,213 --> 00:47:22,426
I'm looking for an apartment to live in.
770
00:47:22,426 --> 00:47:24,720
Life was good back in L. A.
771
00:47:24,720 --> 00:47:28,056
‐ This chick Soleil said, "Come on,
you have to go back to New York.
772
00:47:28,056 --> 00:47:30,350
You have to go back to New York,
it'd be so much, so cool."
773
00:47:30,350 --> 00:47:32,853
And so I left my job there...
‐
774
00:47:32,853 --> 00:47:34,938
‐ ...and I came back here.
775
00:47:40,569 --> 00:47:42,029
I felt a sense of freedom.
776
00:47:42,029 --> 00:47:44,239
It was the first timeI was living on my own.
777
00:47:44,239 --> 00:47:47,075
It was outside of this L. A. bubble.
778
00:47:47,826 --> 00:47:49,411
And I felt really free.
779
00:47:49,411 --> 00:47:52,164
It's like eight o'clock in the morning,
I'm getting ready to go to class.
780
00:47:52,164 --> 00:47:53,707
It's kind of scary.
781
00:47:53,707 --> 00:47:56,168
♪ light piano playing ♪
782
00:48:04,510 --> 00:48:05,969
How long have we lived here, Matt?
783
00:48:07,304 --> 00:48:08,305
‐ Two weeks.
784
00:48:11,266 --> 00:48:12,643
Hasn't been two weeks.
785
00:48:12,643 --> 00:48:15,437
‐ But if we, if we get a fridge, we want
a place for the garbage can, right?
786
00:48:15,437 --> 00:48:18,524
So, what'll we live on?
We have, we have one pot.
787
00:48:18,524 --> 00:48:21,902
Then it's that.
‐ At least we have nothing
to beat each other.
788
00:48:21,902 --> 00:48:24,154
This is life for the struggling artist.
789
00:48:24,154 --> 00:48:27,157
I'm living on this futon on the floor.
790
00:48:27,157 --> 00:48:29,535
And it's the best experience of my life.
791
00:48:29,535 --> 00:48:32,454
Immediately I got on stage in New York.
792
00:48:32,454 --> 00:48:35,374
It was terrifying and exciting.
793
00:48:35,374 --> 00:48:37,960
‐ Try to make this your best performance,
just for yourself.
794
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:41,839
It was me on stage,completely unveiled.
795
00:48:42,548 --> 00:48:46,009
And I got up on stage and...
796
00:48:46,009 --> 00:48:48,136
I had come into my own.
797
00:48:51,431 --> 00:48:53,934
Hello? Soleil, are you there?
798
00:48:54,476 --> 00:48:56,562
You're not there.It's Charles calling.
799
00:48:56,562 --> 00:48:57,771
I'm on the set.
800
00:48:58,647 --> 00:48:59,690
Long time, no talk.
801
00:48:59,690 --> 00:49:04,194
‐ And then, the person I lost
my virginity to,
802
00:49:04,194 --> 00:49:06,530
my Florida experience,
he came back around,
803
00:49:06,530 --> 00:49:08,407
and he was my...
804
00:49:09,032 --> 00:49:10,367
my Mister Big.
805
00:49:10,367 --> 00:49:13,412
Would take me to the Yankee game and...
806
00:49:13,412 --> 00:49:15,080
Those that are remaining are still...
807
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:18,375
"I remember,I remember going opening day
808
00:49:18,375 --> 00:49:20,085
"and it being springtime,
809
00:49:20,085 --> 00:49:23,046
"and it's snowing in New Yorkand I was there with him,
810
00:49:23,046 --> 00:49:27,509
"and we cheered and laughed
and we smiled and yelled out
under the ice cold.
811
00:49:27,509 --> 00:49:30,888
"It began snowingand it was like a surreal dream,
812
00:49:30,888 --> 00:49:33,974
"white snowflakes fallingacross beautiful faces
813
00:49:33,974 --> 00:49:35,684
"of the American dream.
814
00:49:35,684 --> 00:49:37,811
"He leaned in and kissed me
815
00:49:37,811 --> 00:49:40,814
"as he played with my hair
and asked what I did to it.
816
00:49:40,814 --> 00:49:42,608
"I told him I left it alone.
817
00:49:42,608 --> 00:49:46,737
"Then he began caressing my face
and asked what I did to it.
818
00:49:46,737 --> 00:49:50,782
"'Did you leave it alone?'
he said sarcastically with a smile.
819
00:49:50,782 --> 00:49:52,492
"And then we held each other.
820
00:49:53,285 --> 00:49:56,246
"He said how much I'd matured
into a beautiful young lady,
821
00:49:56,246 --> 00:49:58,707
and how New York really shows on me."
822
00:49:58,707 --> 00:50:02,878
And it was this realization
that this person that was older than me,
823
00:50:02,878 --> 00:50:04,755
that did care about me,
824
00:50:04,755 --> 00:50:07,799
was seeing... me growing up.
825
00:50:09,801 --> 00:50:12,638
Today I love New York.
I've been everywhere in New York today.
826
00:50:12,638 --> 00:50:14,890
Times Square was awesome. I love it.
827
00:50:14,890 --> 00:50:17,726
Last night I had so much fun,
we just walked and talked.
828
00:50:19,561 --> 00:50:22,981
‐ This is the first time Soleil's doing
laundry in about two months.
829
00:50:22,981 --> 00:50:25,067
First time I've ever done
laundry on my own.
830
00:50:25,067 --> 00:50:27,653
‐ And I smell because everything
I own right now reeks.
831
00:50:27,653 --> 00:50:29,655
All my socks smell like ass.
832
00:50:29,655 --> 00:50:32,199
‐ Laundry is a really important thing, OK?
‐ Very important.
833
00:50:32,199 --> 00:50:35,035
‐ You got a toilet that reeks.
834
00:50:35,035 --> 00:50:37,204
‐
Can't do it.
835
00:50:37,204 --> 00:50:38,247
‐ Andrew, do it.
836
00:50:38,247 --> 00:50:42,793
‐ What it's like to live with guys.
‐ Get over it. Get over it.
837
00:50:42,793 --> 00:50:45,087
‐ No, it's fucking disgusting.
838
00:50:45,087 --> 00:50:47,214
Do you like what we did
to the apartment, Andrew?
839
00:50:51,593 --> 00:50:55,264
For me as an artist,
I just wanted to drink it all in.
840
00:50:56,640 --> 00:51:01,228
I felt like I was alive when I was
in the rawness of it.
841
00:51:02,020 --> 00:51:04,523
I was fascinated by skate culture.
842
00:51:04,523 --> 00:51:07,526
One night I see this group of kidsjumping into a taxicab
843
00:51:07,526 --> 00:51:12,030
and I run over and it was Justin Pierce.
844
00:51:13,282 --> 00:51:15,659
And he had just done this film Kids.
845
00:51:32,134 --> 00:51:34,678
♪ Heads crack hardOn the pavement, uh‐huh ♪
846
00:51:34,678 --> 00:51:37,681
♪ Don't fallCan't nobody save ya, uh‐huh... ♪
847
00:51:41,852 --> 00:51:43,270
♪ rap continues in background ♪
848
00:51:43,270 --> 00:51:45,189
♪ ...so I see throughthe smoke and mirrors ♪
849
00:51:45,189 --> 00:51:47,441
♪ And the hocus pocus as well as jokers ♪
850
00:51:47,441 --> 00:51:49,610
♪ I do this here in real focus... ♪
851
00:51:49,610 --> 00:51:51,403
♪ rap continues ♪
852
00:52:06,752 --> 00:52:09,004
♪ ...smirk on my face'Cause I know they can't stop me... ♪
853
00:52:12,090 --> 00:52:15,636
‐ It was the beginning
of an incredible journey with...
854
00:52:17,596 --> 00:52:19,431
with these skaters that became my family.
855
00:52:20,516 --> 00:52:23,435
‐ Where's my Wheat Thins?
Where's my Wheat Thins?
856
00:52:23,435 --> 00:52:24,978
Wheat Thins?
857
00:52:26,313 --> 00:52:28,065
You got shit in your hair.
858
00:52:31,735 --> 00:52:33,195
‐ New York City.
859
00:52:33,195 --> 00:52:34,696
Skateboarders.
860
00:52:34,696 --> 00:52:37,199
Selassie I, Jah Rastafari.
861
00:52:37,908 --> 00:52:40,410
Who likes Wheat Thins?
Would anyone like one?
862
00:52:40,410 --> 00:52:42,079
We're Punky Brewster crazy.
863
00:52:43,121 --> 00:52:45,082
We're on a Punky Brewster craze.
‐ Punky Brewster.
864
00:52:45,082 --> 00:52:46,625
That's what it's all about, mon.
865
00:52:46,625 --> 00:52:48,752
"Past few days were like a movie.
866
00:52:48,752 --> 00:52:52,881
"The kids showed up and I filmed themthrough the peephole of my door.
867
00:52:52,881 --> 00:52:54,424
"I then knew it would be an adventure.
868
00:52:54,424 --> 00:52:57,845
"They piled into my housewith 40s and blunts.
869
00:52:57,845 --> 00:53:00,597
"A wild bunch of skaters,who in the midst of the struggle,
870
00:53:00,597 --> 00:53:03,392
"find peace in the positive vibeof Rastafari.
871
00:53:04,351 --> 00:53:07,813
"Leave it to me to fall
for the straggly kid Justin.
872
00:53:07,813 --> 00:53:10,399
"He along with the otherspassed out of my apartment.
873
00:53:10,399 --> 00:53:14,278
"I found myself under my red lightkissing this youth
874
00:53:14,278 --> 00:53:16,780
"who told me he would have to
hold onto me for a while.
875
00:53:16,780 --> 00:53:18,824
"He kept asking where I came from.
876
00:53:18,824 --> 00:53:20,993
He was sweet
for the time it was happening."
877
00:53:22,995 --> 00:53:25,664
Justin, Justin Pierce introduced us.
878
00:53:26,373 --> 00:53:28,125
Press that button in the back, yo.
879
00:53:28,125 --> 00:53:30,586
Press...This button right here?
880
00:53:30,586 --> 00:53:32,337
When we're all in the frame, here.
881
00:53:35,007 --> 00:53:36,717
Why you blocking my view?
882
00:53:37,342 --> 00:53:40,554
‐ And this one,
the little like‐‐ from California.
883
00:53:41,430 --> 00:53:43,557
How did you go to Corona, Queens?
884
00:53:43,557 --> 00:53:46,935
‐ Whoaaaa!
‐
885
00:53:46,935 --> 00:53:49,980
‐ I never really met someone
with a puppy spirit like that.
886
00:53:49,980 --> 00:53:52,274
He was just so like open‐eyed
to everything.
887
00:53:52,274 --> 00:53:55,903
But like looking back, of course,
'cause you're a kid and you're
in New York City in the '90s.
888
00:53:55,903 --> 00:53:58,655
I would have been likeopen‐eyed like that, too.
889
00:54:02,034 --> 00:54:04,244
The camera in our face all the time.
It was like...
890
00:54:07,623 --> 00:54:10,709
You used to take that thing
out everywhere, you really did.
891
00:54:10,709 --> 00:54:12,794
Did she tell you it was really on?
892
00:54:12,794 --> 00:54:14,630
Oh, my...
893
00:54:17,132 --> 00:54:19,343
You guys weren't just my friends,
894
00:54:19,343 --> 00:54:20,802
you were my family.
895
00:54:21,512 --> 00:54:23,055
‐ Slash bodyguards.
896
00:54:25,682 --> 00:54:28,101
‐
‐ Hey, look, look.
897
00:54:28,894 --> 00:54:31,855
‐ That's how you meet someone
and it just changes your life, you know?
898
00:54:31,855 --> 00:54:33,315
Meet someone, you connect.
899
00:54:33,315 --> 00:54:36,902
And then certain kids just, boom.
They gravitate to each other, you know?
900
00:54:37,945 --> 00:54:39,363
That's what happened, right?
901
00:54:40,572 --> 00:54:41,865
That's what happened.
902
00:54:41,865 --> 00:54:44,451
‐ You got my back!
‐
903
00:54:47,871 --> 00:54:49,831
Oh, my God!
‐
904
00:54:49,831 --> 00:54:52,376
‐
What the fuck?
905
00:54:54,670 --> 00:54:56,797
What was your
first sexual experience?
906
00:54:57,631 --> 00:54:59,174
‐ Uh...
907
00:54:59,174 --> 00:55:00,676
Uh...
908
00:55:00,676 --> 00:55:02,803
It's the crazy one.
909
00:55:02,803 --> 00:55:04,221
You don't wanna go there.
910
00:55:04,221 --> 00:55:05,514
Reversal.
911
00:55:05,514 --> 00:55:08,267
We really don't wanna go there.
912
00:55:08,267 --> 00:55:11,186
‐ I remember Harold Hunter
living in your closet.
913
00:55:15,399 --> 00:55:17,192
The Rasta Master.
914
00:55:18,277 --> 00:55:21,613
Goin' in the house
at four o'clock in the morning.
What's up with you?
915
00:55:24,491 --> 00:55:27,327
What were you doing
waking me up, or what?
916
00:55:29,329 --> 00:55:31,456
‐ I heard you talking to yourself, so...
917
00:55:31,456 --> 00:55:33,041
knocked on your door.
918
00:55:34,710 --> 00:55:35,752
Sorry about that.
919
00:55:41,675 --> 00:55:43,969
He was special,
he was a special kid, man.
920
00:55:44,636 --> 00:55:46,847
He was so young, so talented.
921
00:55:46,847 --> 00:55:48,432
Handsome.
922
00:55:49,016 --> 00:55:50,017
Tough.
923
00:55:50,809 --> 00:55:53,103
But really harsh family background.
924
00:55:53,103 --> 00:55:54,938
Didn't know who his father was.
925
00:55:55,689 --> 00:55:58,734
And that was his pain, you know?He never knew who his dad was.
926
00:55:58,734 --> 00:56:01,236
You know.
Everyone's like, "Ah, he's crazy."
927
00:56:01,236 --> 00:56:03,864
People are crazy for reasons, you know?
928
00:56:03,864 --> 00:56:06,491
It's like something happened
to them along the way
929
00:56:06,491 --> 00:56:07,743
to make them who they are.
930
00:56:07,743 --> 00:56:12,164
You don't just be wild
and crazy for no reason.
931
00:56:13,207 --> 00:56:15,042
That's all pain, you know.
932
00:56:16,835 --> 00:56:20,255
It breaks my heart, it really does.
I think about it all the time.
933
00:56:24,843 --> 00:56:28,555
‐ I have so much...
934
00:56:30,641 --> 00:56:33,227
guilt that I didn't know I had.
935
00:56:36,396 --> 00:56:38,774
Until I started watching the tapes back.
936
00:56:38,774 --> 00:56:41,985
Until I started piecing this together.
937
00:56:41,985 --> 00:56:45,948
♪ acoustic guitar playing ♪
938
00:56:54,456 --> 00:56:57,876
How often do we really look
at somebody and say,
939
00:56:57,876 --> 00:57:00,963
"How are you?"
And actually hear them back?
940
00:57:01,547 --> 00:57:04,341
And so that's why this process
has been like
941
00:57:04,341 --> 00:57:06,552
these fucking blinders coming off.
942
00:57:08,095 --> 00:57:11,223
I don't think I've been living
a lie for the last 20 years,
943
00:57:11,223 --> 00:57:13,851
but I certainly haven't been
fucking listening.
944
00:57:15,435 --> 00:57:18,814
So now that they're off,
now that I've opened Pandora's box,
945
00:57:18,814 --> 00:57:20,607
I can't put any of this back.
946
00:57:21,817 --> 00:57:26,405
‐ I feel definitely
closer to you since, uh, since Andrew.
947
00:57:27,656 --> 00:57:31,702
‐ Uh... I'm Andrew.
Hi, Andrew.
948
00:57:32,995 --> 00:57:35,205
‐ Yeah, we have
reconnected through Andrew
949
00:57:35,205 --> 00:57:36,665
and I have a hard time...
950
00:57:38,709 --> 00:57:40,043
you know.
951
00:57:41,128 --> 00:57:43,338
He's my only brother,I loved him so much.
952
00:57:43,338 --> 00:57:45,716
He was a brilliant, beautiful,
953
00:57:45,716 --> 00:57:48,760
uh, quiet, special kid.
954
00:57:49,511 --> 00:57:52,097
What's your philosophy on life?
955
00:57:52,097 --> 00:57:53,891
‐ Life can end at any moment.
956
00:57:53,891 --> 00:57:56,310
You gotta live it to your fullest
and try new things.
957
00:57:56,310 --> 00:57:58,729
That's shit his brother told him to say.
958
00:57:58,729 --> 00:58:00,647
‐ What? No, it's the truth.
959
00:58:00,647 --> 00:58:02,733
And, uh... you know...
960
00:58:04,026 --> 00:58:05,694
do what you can.
961
00:58:06,445 --> 00:58:08,447
‐ Thanks. Goodbye.
‐
962
00:58:13,118 --> 00:58:15,579
It doesn't seem
like he can be gone.
963
00:58:24,338 --> 00:58:26,340
Life is beautiful,
964
00:58:26,340 --> 00:58:29,134
and it's messy and it's...
965
00:58:30,469 --> 00:58:32,012
it's complicated.
966
00:58:36,767 --> 00:58:41,730
♪ I'm just a little bitcaught in the middle ♪
967
00:58:41,730 --> 00:58:45,567
♪ Life is a maze and love is a riddle ♪
968
00:58:45,567 --> 00:58:49,363
♪ I don't know where to go ♪
969
00:58:49,363 --> 00:58:51,823
♪ Can't do it alone ♪
970
00:58:51,823 --> 00:58:53,283
♪ I've tried ♪
971
00:58:53,909 --> 00:58:55,869
♪ And I don't know ♪
972
00:58:55,869 --> 00:58:57,663
♪ Why ♪
973
00:59:00,290 --> 00:59:02,584
I reached out to Danny
974
00:59:02,584 --> 00:59:06,255
and I asked him if I couldcome out and talk to him.
975
00:59:06,255 --> 00:59:10,259
It was this crazy thing when you haven'tseen somebody for over 20 years.
976
00:59:12,970 --> 00:59:16,932
I didn't know what the response would be.
977
00:59:17,474 --> 00:59:21,895
You said that someday
you wanted to find serenity.
978
00:59:21,895 --> 00:59:23,522
Did I?
You did.
979
00:59:23,522 --> 00:59:25,399
Do you think you found it now?
980
00:59:25,399 --> 00:59:26,692
Uhh...
981
00:59:27,442 --> 00:59:28,527
More of it,
982
00:59:28,527 --> 00:59:31,363
but I think it's something you have
to search for on a daily basis.
983
00:59:31,363 --> 00:59:34,116
I don't think that I just wake up serene.
I think it's...
984
00:59:34,116 --> 00:59:37,119
‐ You for sure got taller.
I feel much better now.
985
00:59:38,412 --> 00:59:41,123
‐ I, uh... I have to work at it.
986
00:59:41,123 --> 00:59:44,001
I don't know that I'll ever feel
completely serene.
987
00:59:44,001 --> 00:59:46,420
I don't know that's my‐‐ in my DNA.
988
00:59:46,420 --> 00:59:49,047
Tulsa is a much more serene place for me.
989
00:59:50,424 --> 00:59:52,885
But it takes some getting used to as well.
990
00:59:53,385 --> 00:59:56,889
December, man, like it never, it neverlooks like the Zales commercial,
991
00:59:56,889 --> 01:00:00,475
you know, it's always missing a few thingsthat I think in my mind's eye
992
01:00:00,475 --> 01:00:02,978
like my life should have,and then you guys showed up.
993
01:00:02,978 --> 01:00:05,147
It's like, ahh, like the staron the Christmas tree.
994
01:00:05,147 --> 01:00:07,316
Now it's like, it looks perfect.
995
01:00:08,609 --> 01:00:10,611
‐ I feel like I'm in some...
996
01:00:10,611 --> 01:00:13,197
‐ Time warp, I know.
Hold on.
997
01:00:15,240 --> 01:00:18,493
I haven't seen you
in 20‐something years, so it's been...
998
01:00:18,493 --> 01:00:20,621
it's been forever.
999
01:00:24,374 --> 01:00:28,879
I had fast cars and I was dead set on like
1000
01:00:28,879 --> 01:00:31,632
wrapping one of those carsaround a telephone pole
1001
01:00:31,632 --> 01:00:34,676
or, you know, blowing my brains out
or doing too many, like...
1002
01:00:34,676 --> 01:00:36,261
We were living on the edge.
1003
01:00:36,970 --> 01:00:39,556
It's mind‐boggling that I'm still here.
1004
01:00:39,556 --> 01:00:42,142
We thought we were fooling everybody,
but we were clearly drug addicts,
1005
01:00:42,142 --> 01:00:43,894
and you didn't wanna see that in me
1006
01:00:43,894 --> 01:00:46,605
and so you got off the train
at the right, at the right station.
1007
01:00:46,605 --> 01:00:49,900
So I'm glad that you didn't
have to see, you know‐‐
1008
01:00:49,900 --> 01:00:51,777
that was just the tip of the iceberg.
1009
01:00:52,986 --> 01:00:55,405
So much of what I wondered was,
1010
01:00:55,405 --> 01:00:57,658
did things happen the way
I remembered them?
1011
01:00:58,200 --> 01:01:00,494
Was it as real as I remembered it?
1012
01:01:01,245 --> 01:01:02,746
And...
1013
01:01:03,705 --> 01:01:06,834
was it something that we both experienced?
1014
01:01:06,834 --> 01:01:07,876
‐ Yeah, absolutely.
1015
01:01:07,876 --> 01:01:10,295
My love for you, your love for me.
1016
01:01:10,295 --> 01:01:14,258
That time was a special magical time,
and I knew that, you know,
1017
01:01:14,258 --> 01:01:15,801
nothing could diminish that.
1018
01:01:15,801 --> 01:01:18,178
♪ acoustic guitar music playing ♪
1019
01:01:21,765 --> 01:01:26,228
♪ Whoo‐hoo‐hoo... ♪
1020
01:01:50,127 --> 01:01:53,005
♪ We stepped out into the darkness ♪
1021
01:01:54,673 --> 01:01:58,594
♪ A cloud that lasted far too long ♪
1022
01:02:00,429 --> 01:02:02,055
♪ We were lost ♪
1023
01:02:02,055 --> 01:02:04,766
♪ It seemed forever ♪
1024
01:02:05,851 --> 01:02:09,563
♪ Now we're waiting hereTo get back home... ♪
1025
01:02:09,563 --> 01:02:14,234
I never realized I wouldbe coming of age again as an adult,
1026
01:02:14,234 --> 01:02:17,112
and I think in reliving my youth,
1027
01:02:17,821 --> 01:02:19,615
I'm coming of age all over again.
1028
01:02:19,615 --> 01:02:22,242
♪ guitar music continues ♪
1029
01:02:24,745 --> 01:02:28,957
♪ Whoo‐hoo‐hoo... ♪
1030
01:02:32,711 --> 01:02:36,507
I didn't know what true self‐love was
1031
01:02:37,174 --> 01:02:41,053
until... this process.
1032
01:02:44,598 --> 01:02:46,475
Now that I see it...
1033
01:02:48,352 --> 01:02:50,604
to have not seen it...
1034
01:02:51,647 --> 01:02:55,067
makes you wonder how many other people
are walking around the world
1035
01:02:55,901 --> 01:02:57,152
feeling so unloved.
1036
01:02:57,152 --> 01:02:58,737
♪ guitar music continues ♪
1037
01:03:00,322 --> 01:03:05,202
I look at somebody like Brianand our friendship and history,
1038
01:03:05,202 --> 01:03:08,330
and I look at the diaries,
and he always showed up.
1039
01:03:08,330 --> 01:03:10,415
Over the last 20 years...
1040
01:03:11,166 --> 01:03:14,294
I had questioned
what those friendships meant.
1041
01:03:14,294 --> 01:03:17,631
I've bumped into you so many times
over the last however many years
1042
01:03:17,631 --> 01:03:20,926
and when I bumped into you,
because we're so preoccupied
with our families,
1043
01:03:20,926 --> 01:03:24,972
I felt like, like does that history
not really exist?
1044
01:03:24,972 --> 01:03:26,265
You know? In a weird way.
1045
01:03:26,265 --> 01:03:27,808
And so, to then...
1046
01:03:28,350 --> 01:03:30,435
I'm like...
‐ It does.
1047
01:03:31,562 --> 01:03:35,649
You know, I see you now,
but I see... us then.
1048
01:03:37,526 --> 01:03:40,404
Being an adult and learning who I was
1049
01:03:40,404 --> 01:03:44,199
and what life was meant to be,
that was with you.
1050
01:03:47,327 --> 01:03:49,121
That won't ever change.
1051
01:03:49,746 --> 01:03:51,415
‐ I can't believe you have this.
1052
01:03:55,377 --> 01:03:57,254
You know, we would just talk
1053
01:03:57,254 --> 01:04:02,384
for two or three hours at night
if we hadn't seen each other that day.
1054
01:04:02,384 --> 01:04:08,140
And even, you know,
fall asleep on the phone, and...
1055
01:04:08,140 --> 01:04:09,474
We were just so close.
1056
01:04:09,474 --> 01:04:13,145
♪ guitar music continues ♪
1057
01:04:13,145 --> 01:04:15,647
‐ I don't think I realized...
1058
01:04:18,650 --> 01:04:22,696
that not only did I love people,
but I was loved.
1059
01:04:23,572 --> 01:04:25,949
When you share, truly share,
1060
01:04:25,949 --> 01:04:30,454
meaning your pain,
your laughter, your love,
1061
01:04:30,454 --> 01:04:33,874
your fears, your doubt...
1062
01:04:33,874 --> 01:04:35,501
you realize you're not alone.
1063
01:04:37,127 --> 01:04:39,421
Because you share
the same doubts that I share,
1064
01:04:39,421 --> 01:04:41,340
you share the same fears that I share.
1065
01:04:41,340 --> 01:04:45,761
By you sharing this, and by sharing
your experiences and these tapes,
1066
01:04:46,637 --> 01:04:49,765
you're giving all of that
its ultimate purpose,
1067
01:04:49,765 --> 01:04:51,183
which is to be shared.
1068
01:04:51,183 --> 01:04:52,851
It's not supposed to be in a box.
1069
01:04:54,686 --> 01:04:57,022
"To you Soleil...
1070
01:04:57,022 --> 01:04:58,774
"Where are you?
1071
01:04:58,774 --> 01:05:03,195
"Are you still true at 16, 17, 18?
1072
01:05:03,195 --> 01:05:05,197
"Even in your late 20s?
1073
01:05:06,615 --> 01:05:08,784
"Have the journeys made you strong?
1074
01:05:09,910 --> 01:05:11,870
"Have you found a place to belong?
1075
01:05:12,579 --> 01:05:15,457
"At this point in time, I am still young,
1076
01:05:15,457 --> 01:05:17,751
"only close to 16.
1077
01:05:17,751 --> 01:05:22,381
"I live often in my dreams,trying to stay a unique human being.
1078
01:05:23,507 --> 01:05:26,426
"I've learned that one can
never win the game
1079
01:05:26,426 --> 01:05:27,970
"when you play to win.
1080
01:05:27,970 --> 01:05:31,223
"I've truly learned to love
and trust myself
1081
01:05:31,223 --> 01:05:33,559
"and to ultimately believe in infinity.
1082
01:05:35,435 --> 01:05:39,106
"So where am I at this time,my best friend?
1083
01:05:39,106 --> 01:05:41,066
"What does our destiny hold?
1084
01:05:42,317 --> 01:05:45,404
"Who have we fallen in love withalong the way?
1085
01:05:46,905 --> 01:05:50,242
"Who do I make love within the midnight hour?
1086
01:05:51,785 --> 01:05:53,912
"Have I made my life worthy?
1087
01:05:54,705 --> 01:05:59,376
"I have so many questions,but I shall not know the answers
1088
01:05:59,376 --> 01:06:01,420
"until the time comes.
1089
01:06:01,879 --> 01:06:06,091
"So believe and you will forever be me.
1090
01:06:06,091 --> 01:06:07,426
"Love, Soleil.
1091
01:06:07,426 --> 01:06:09,303
March 1992."
1092
01:06:10,637 --> 01:06:13,557
Tonight I think I'll just‐‐we're going to the movies
1093
01:06:13,557 --> 01:06:16,393
and getting popcorn with my friends
1094
01:06:16,393 --> 01:06:18,979
and not having to be somethingthat I'm not, you know?
1095
01:06:18,979 --> 01:06:21,899
Growing up is the worst of pains.
1096
01:06:21,899 --> 01:06:23,942
What's gonna happen 20 years from now?
1097
01:06:23,942 --> 01:06:27,821
I don't want people thinkingthat I'm some lunatic,
1098
01:06:27,821 --> 01:06:31,575
like the girl that just smokes cigarettesand stuff like that,
1099
01:06:31,575 --> 01:06:32,993
because that's not true.
1100
01:06:33,744 --> 01:06:35,037
Do I even care?
1101
01:06:35,037 --> 01:06:36,788
It's not worth it, right?
1102
01:06:36,788 --> 01:06:38,957
Am I pretty or am I ugly?
1103
01:06:38,957 --> 01:06:41,543
I think this is gonna bea life of memories.
1104
01:06:41,543 --> 01:06:46,215
I've gotta get ready to goand be a fucking teenager.
1105
01:06:46,798 --> 01:06:48,091
Peace out.
1106
01:06:51,553 --> 01:06:53,597
Oh, wait, I have to show you
something that I found.
1107
01:06:53,597 --> 01:06:55,641
‐ Oh, my gosh,
are we gonna see stuff?
1108
01:06:55,641 --> 01:06:58,227
‐ I have diaries, too, that I'm gonna
read you, if that's okay.
1109
01:06:58,227 --> 01:07:00,896
Or at least let you read to yourself.
1110
01:07:00,896 --> 01:07:03,440
The story of my life with this camera.
1111
01:07:03,440 --> 01:07:06,735
‐ Oh, my God.
1112
01:07:06,735 --> 01:07:08,779
‐ There's the rainbow shirt.
1113
01:07:08,779 --> 01:07:11,949
Yeah. I was scared you were gonna
pull up that rainbow jacket.
1114
01:07:11,949 --> 01:07:13,659
Okay, it is what it is.
1115
01:07:13,659 --> 01:07:16,620
‐ There's not many people got the balls
to go out and just, you know,
1116
01:07:16,620 --> 01:07:18,539
say "Fuck the world"
and do what they wanna do,
1117
01:07:18,539 --> 01:07:20,749
and a lot of those people who do...
1118
01:07:21,625 --> 01:07:24,503
don't ever get, you know,
their day in the sun,
1119
01:07:24,503 --> 01:07:26,088
until they're dead or gone.
1120
01:07:26,088 --> 01:07:28,549
And I gotta get mine now
and then, you know?
1121
01:07:28,549 --> 01:07:32,052
‐ Soleil filmed another thing
about me, uh, about two years ago,
1122
01:07:32,052 --> 01:07:35,222
so this is her little document
of my growth.
1123
01:07:35,222 --> 01:07:38,392
I've grown at least three inches,
or four inches, since last...
1124
01:07:38,392 --> 01:07:40,185
Yeah, you have. You're almost...
1125
01:07:40,185 --> 01:07:42,145
‐ And I'm bigger, too, check it out.
1126
01:07:43,313 --> 01:07:46,650
‐ Oh, my gosh, this is so crazy.
1127
01:07:47,568 --> 01:07:49,486
‐
1128
01:07:49,486 --> 01:07:51,572
Yeah. Wow!
1129
01:07:51,572 --> 01:07:54,157
‐ You're supposed to swivel the thing.
1130
01:07:54,157 --> 01:07:56,285
‐ Look at me trying to direct you.
1131
01:07:56,285 --> 01:07:58,120
‐ When they see a bunch of kids
on a skateboard,
1132
01:07:58,120 --> 01:07:59,830
they think they
gonna start trouble and shit.
1133
01:07:59,830 --> 01:08:01,081
They just bored 'cause they old.
1134
01:08:02,040 --> 01:08:03,750
‐ I went for it in the '90s.
1135
01:08:03,750 --> 01:08:05,502
I mean, I had fake fur coats.
1136
01:08:05,502 --> 01:08:09,089
I mean, I had bleached hair,I mean, I was a fucking freak.
1137
01:08:09,882 --> 01:08:12,759
So you thought I was a jerk?
A little bit.
1138
01:08:12,759 --> 01:08:14,970
Tell me our motorcycle story.
1139
01:08:14,970 --> 01:08:17,222
‐ Yeah, so...
1140
01:08:17,222 --> 01:08:20,017
Yeah, I mean, we had stolen
the motorcycle...
1141
01:08:21,852 --> 01:08:24,521
‐ So...
‐ You look like my daughter.
1142
01:08:24,521 --> 01:08:26,064
Gives me such anxiety.
1143
01:08:26,607 --> 01:08:30,319
‐ The cabbie dude drove right over
my foot, bro.
1144
01:08:30,319 --> 01:08:31,820
We're in love.
1145
01:08:31,820 --> 01:08:34,656
We're all in love with different guys.
1146
01:08:34,656 --> 01:08:38,869
And we're gonna tell youhow we feel about each person.
1147
01:08:38,869 --> 01:08:41,330
Okay, I'm in love with Joey Lawrence.
1148
01:08:41,330 --> 01:08:43,999
I'm in love with Mark‐Paul.I'm in love with all those guys.
1149
01:08:43,999 --> 01:08:46,376
Can't call Balthazar, that's fucking lame.
1150
01:08:47,044 --> 01:08:48,587
I already called him.
1151
01:08:50,297 --> 01:08:54,259
‐ As a kid, you sort of‐‐
you just really like go through life
1152
01:08:54,259 --> 01:08:57,804
and it doesn't matter,and that's the beauty of being a kid,
1153
01:08:57,804 --> 01:08:59,389
is that it doesn't matter.
1154
01:08:59,389 --> 01:09:03,560
Like you get to just smile
and have fun and do whatever.
1155
01:09:03,560 --> 01:09:06,188
‐ I wouldn't change the time continuum.
1156
01:09:06,188 --> 01:09:07,898
Like, I wouldn't adjust any‐‐
1157
01:09:07,898 --> 01:09:11,610
all the errors and mistakes
and things I wish I could take back
1158
01:09:11,610 --> 01:09:14,321
brought us to right here, right now.
1159
01:09:14,321 --> 01:09:16,823
To have you here at this time of my life,
1160
01:09:16,823 --> 01:09:20,744
to discuss how our lives
came together in that time,
1161
01:09:20,744 --> 01:09:22,913
everything is perfect.
1162
01:09:22,913 --> 01:09:25,457
Do you think things happen
the way we remember them?
1163
01:09:26,291 --> 01:09:27,709
‐ I do.
1164
01:09:27,709 --> 01:09:29,002
For sure.
1165
01:09:29,002 --> 01:09:31,505
And then you can,
you have an artistic license.
1166
01:09:31,505 --> 01:09:34,675
You're telling the story,
so if you wanna be the hero...
1167
01:09:35,926 --> 01:09:37,553
go ahead, you know?
1168
01:09:37,553 --> 01:09:39,972
It's your story.
1169
01:09:45,853 --> 01:09:47,521
And cut!
1170
01:09:49,189 --> 01:09:50,941
♪ serene guitar music playing ♪
1171
01:09:53,735 --> 01:09:56,071
‐ Here's to you, here's to me...
1172
01:10:02,411 --> 01:10:06,290
♪ Well, we know where we're going ♪
1173
01:10:06,290 --> 01:10:10,836
♪ But we don't know where we've been ♪
1174
01:10:10,836 --> 01:10:15,007
♪ And we know what we're knowing ♪
1175
01:10:15,007 --> 01:10:19,678
♪ But we can't say what we've seen ♪
1176
01:10:19,678 --> 01:10:23,974
♪ And we're not little children ♪
1177
01:10:24,766 --> 01:10:28,729
♪ And we know what we want ♪
1178
01:10:28,729 --> 01:10:32,482
♪ And the future is certain ♪
1179
01:10:33,108 --> 01:10:37,696
♪ Give us time to work it out ♪
1180
01:10:41,533 --> 01:10:42,784
♪ Yeah ♪
1181
01:10:47,623 --> 01:10:51,460
♪ We're on a road to nowhere ♪
1182
01:10:51,460 --> 01:10:54,671
♪ Come on inside ♪
1183
01:10:56,548 --> 01:11:00,385
♪ Taking that ride to nowhere ♪
1184
01:11:01,220 --> 01:11:03,013
♪ We'll take that ride ♪
1185
01:11:05,140 --> 01:11:08,644
♪ I'm feeling okay this morning ♪
1186
01:11:09,895 --> 01:11:12,022
♪ And you know ♪
1187
01:11:14,024 --> 01:11:18,695
♪ We're on the road to paradise ♪
1188
01:11:18,695 --> 01:11:22,366
♪ Here we go, here we go ♪
1189
01:11:23,659 --> 01:11:27,913
‐ The past, the present, the future,
it all just exists.
1190
01:11:29,498 --> 01:11:31,416
Can you show me how to go back?
1191
01:11:31,416 --> 01:11:32,960
‐ ♪ We're on a ride... ♪
98170
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