Original subtitles

- I FEEL LIKE MY LOVE LIFE

IS STARTING TO LOOK LIKE

ONE OF THOSE TIME-LAPSE FILMS OF A ROTTING DEER CARCASS.

YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON!

- I THINK YOU AND NESS COULD BE REALLY GREAT TOGETHER.

- JUST DON'T SCREW IT UP LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

- I'LL TRY TO SCREW IT UP

IN A NEW AND AMUSING WAY FOR YOU.

[barroom chatter and laughter]

- CRAZY, RIGHT? I'VE NEVER DATED A GUY IN A BAND BEFORE.

- IT'S CRAZY THAT THERE ARE ANY PROFESSIONS

YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN AROUND TO TAPPING.

- OH, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

TALES OF MY PROMISCUITY ARE OVER-EXAGGERATED.

- SO HOW'D YOU MEET THIS GUY, TEEN?

- ETHAN. TYPICAL STORY, BOY MEETS GIRL,

BOY FEEDS VODKA SHOTS, GIRL WAKES UP HAPPY, HUNG OVER,

AND A LITTLE SORE.

- EW. - ANYWAY, SO FAR SO GOOD.

HE FRONT WHAT SEEMS TO BE A PRETTY POPULAR BAND,

AND HE'S REALLY SWEET, LIKE, THE ANTI-BRETT,

AND BETWEEN US GIRLS,

HE'S SKILLED IN THE WAYS OF LOVEMAKING.

HE LIKES TO WIGGLE IT, JUST A LITTLE BIT.

- HEY. - HEY.

[laughter]

- SUPER-STOKED YOU'RE HERE. TINA, VODKA SODA.

- OH, YOU'RE THE SWEETEST. - HERE, TAKE THESE.

FREE DRINKS, COURTESY OF MY BAND, TIME OF YOUR LIFE.

- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, HE IS THE SWEETEST.

- IT'S SO COOL, YOU GUYS ALL CAME TO SEE US.

OKAY. [kiss]

I GOTTA GO GET INTO CHARACTER. - [laughs]

- SO, ANYONE WANT SOME MORE OF THIS WATERY BEER?

- UH, YES. - ME, PLEASE.

- I DO. - [laughs]

- SHE'S DIFFERENT THAN YOUR USUAL TYPE, JAY. SHE'S SANE.

- YEAH, I'M NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT SICK OF HER.

NO COMPLAINTS. [laughter]

- SO ROMANTIC.

[cheers]

- COME ON.

[cheers]

- HELLO, NEW YORK!

[cheers and applause]

- I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD DAY.

BUT WHO WANTS THEIR DAY TO GET A LITTLE GREENER?

[cheers]

ARE THERE ANY AMERICAN IDIOTS IN THE HOUSE?

[cheers] - [laughs]

[electric guitar chord]

- OH, "TIME OF YOUR LIFE," I GET IT NOW.

- YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE DATING THE LEAD SINGER

OF A GREEN DAY COVER BAND.

- MY GRANDPARENTS LOVED THEM ON BROADWAY.

- WELL, [bleep] ME.

[rock music]

*

[kissing]

- MMM.

- YOU KISS PRETTY GOOD FOR A DUDE.

- I'VE BEEN PRACTICING ON THE BACK OF MY HAND SINCE I WAS 11.

WOULD YOU DATE ME IF I WAS BAD?

- MAYBE, I'D HAVE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOUR FINANCES.

- WHAT IF I WAS IN A COVER BAND?

- NO, DEFINITELY NOT.

- WHAT IF I HAD ONE OF THOSE REALLY TINY ARMS

THAT JUST HANGS THERE? OR--OR IF I HAD A STRANGE PET?

- OKAY, YEAH. UH, TURTLE? YES, LOVE TURTLES.

PARROT? MAYBE. IGUANA, DEAL-BREAKER.

SO HEY, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW.

- IS IT? HAPPY ALMOST BIRTHDAY.

- OH, THANKS, AND, UM, I WASN'T SURE

IF I WAS GONNA MENTION IT, BUT I'M HAVING THIS, LIKE,

LITTLE GET TOGETHER, JUST WITH A BUNCH OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS,

AND, UM,

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF...

[sighs] WOULD YOU GO TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY?

NO PRESSURE. JUST IF YOU WANT TO, OF COURSE.

- I THINK I WANT TO, BUT IT DEPENDS.

- ON WHAT?

- WILL THERE BE BALLOONS?

- AND IT BEGINS.

WHEN DO THE "SAVE THE DATE" MAGNETS GO OUT?

- WELL, I, FOR ONE, AM PROUD OF JASON

FOR DIPPING HIS TOE INTO THE FOREIGN WATERS

OF MATURE RELATIONSHIPS.

- AND I, FOR ONE, WOULD MUCH RATHER HEAR ABOUT TINA

AND HER FAUX BILLY JOE? - HMM.

- SO WHAT'S IT LIKE DATING SOMEONE

WHO PRETENDS TO BE SOMEONE WHO WON A GRAMMY?

- YEAH, I GOTTA PUT AN END TO THAT.

- WHAT? YOU SAID YOU LIKED ETHAN,

THAT HE'S SIMPLE AND SWEET.

- BUT STACE, HE MASCARAS UP AND FRONTS A FAKE BAND.

- HE'S IN A COVER BAND, BABE, THIRD LOWEST FORM OF BAND.

WEDDING BAND, KIDS' BAND, COVER BAND.

- COME ON, NOBODY IS PERFECT.

TRUST ME, WHEN I STARTED DATING ERIC,

I HAD TO OVERLOOK HIS BAND.

- BLACK SCIENTIST WAS BANGING. YOU LOVED US.

- HONESTLY, NOT SO MUCH.

- YOU TOLD ME WE WERE GREAT.

- I SAID YOU WERE GREAT.

LOOK, SOMETIMES WHEN YOU START DATING, YOU TELL LITTLE LIES.

BUT WE'RE WAY PAST THAT NOW, AND I CAN BE HONEST,

AND HONESTLY, YOUR SLOW JAM COVER OF HEY-YA

STILL COMES TO ME IN DREAMS AS A HARBINGER OF THE APOCALYPSE.

- HUH, OKAY.

- LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS,

DON'T GIVE UP ON ETHAN SO EASILY.

DON'T BE SHALLOW.

- I'M NOT BEING SHALLOW, I JUST KNOW WHAT I HATE.

BUT OKAY, FINE, I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.

MAYBE HE DOES THE WHOLE COVER BAND THING AS A HOBBY.

MAYBE HE DOES IT IRONICALLY.

[guitar strumming]

- SO YOU'RE REALLY INTO THIS WHOLE GREEN DAY THING, HUH?

- YEAH, I LIVE LIKE BILLY JOE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

- [sighing] OKAY, LOOK, ETHAN,

YOU'RE GREAT, BUT I JUST, UH...

EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU STOP PLAYING GREEN DAY FOR A SECOND?

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING KINDA NICE BUT ULTIMATELY MEAN.

- THIS? IT'S NOT GREEN DAY.

THIS IS JUST SOMETHING I MADE UP.

- OH.

HUH. THAT'S REALLY PRETTY, EETH,

DO YOU GUYS EVER PLAY ORIGINAL SONGS LIKE THAT?

- REHEARSAL TIME. LOSE THE GROUPIE.

- YEAH, LOSE THE GROUPIE.

- STAY, TEEN, I'LL SING TO YOU.

[kiss]

- HMM.

[doorbell jingles]

- OH, YOU LOOK SHARP, BOSS.

LIKE ELLEN DEGENERES.

MAYBE YOU'LL FIND YOUR PORTIA DE ROSSI TONIGHT.

- THANKS, I THINK.

UH, OKAY, I NEED TO FIND A BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

JUST SOMETHING FUNNY AND INEXPENSIVE.

- PERHAPS A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOM?

ALWAYS HUMOROUS.

IT MAKES YOUR MAN-BONE LOOK LIKE A LIGHTSABER.

- COOL. OKAY, UM,

I THINK I'LL GO WITH ONE OF THE SCRATCH-OFF LOTTERY TICKETS,

OH, A TREE AIR FRESHENER.

YELLOW TREE IS MY FAVORITE. IT SMELLS LIKE A GOOD STRIPPER.

- WHAT DOES BAD STRIPPER SMELL LIKE?

- BROWN. - HUH.

OH, NICE, YEAH.

THINK I'LL TAKE ONE OF THESE CHOCOLATE VIRGIN MARYS.

I MEAN, I THINK SHE'S GONNA THINK THIS IS FUNNY.

THIS IS FUNNY, RIGHT?

- HILARIOUS.

$7.85.

- SHUH! SHH! SHH!

SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH,

SHH!

[gasps]

[sighs] OH.

- THAT WAS LIKE, UH, SEX WITH A LIBRARIAN.

- OH, THAT WAS KIND OF AMAZING.

- WELL, I'M GLAD IT WAS FOR YOU, BABE,

BUT HONESTLY, IT WASN'T GREAT FOR ME.

- REALLY?

- YEAH, IT'S JUST, I DON'T LOVE

WHEN YOU'RE ON TOP THE ENTIRE TIME.

I FEEL SUPER-SUBMISSIVE AND AMISH,

LIKE A FEMALE AMISH PERSON.

- BUT YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU LIKE IT WHEN I DRIVE US HOME.

- I KNOW, BUT WE'RE PAST THOSE LITTLE LIES NOW, RIGHT, BABE?

- MWA. I'M GONNA GET SOME WATER.

[grunts]

[laughter and chatter]

- SO THIS ISN'T INTIMIDATING AT ALL.

- DON'T BE SCARED, MOST OF THEM ARE VEGAN.

- MMM, I'M NOT.

- OH, NEVER TRUST THE CARNIVORE. I LEARNED THAT THE HARD WAY.

- OH YEAH? - YEAH, THIS IS, UH,

A PROSTHETIC, ACTUALLY, A LION ATE MY LEG,

AND MY DREAM OF BEING ON AMERICA'S NEXT BEST DANCE CREW.

[laughter]

- HE IS FUNNY.

- YEAH. I TALKED YOU UP.

- OH, WOW. I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A PARTY WHERE I'VE BEEN TALKED UP.

IT'S A GOOD THING I EXFOLIATED.

[laughter]

[single rock guitar chord]

- YOU HAVING FUN?

- YEAH, THIS IS JUST LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.

WHO WANTS TO FEEL ME UP UNDER THE BLEACHERS?

- WHAT'S SEXIER, GREG, THIS...

OR THIS...?

- THEY'RE BOTH SUPER-SEXY, ROB.

- GUYS, WHAT SHOULD THE CLOSER BE?

- TIME OF YOUR LIFE, LIKE ALWAYS.

- IT'S A NO-BRAINER.

- YEAH, BUT IT'S SO SAD.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY SOMETHING NEW, HAPPIER.

- UH, SOMETHING NEW SOUNDS INTERESTING.

HAVE YOU GUYS EVER THOUGHT ABOUT PLAYING ORIGINAL SONGS?

ETHAN WAS PLAYING SOMETHING BEFORE

THAT SOUNDED REALLY GREAT.

- OH, WHEN I SAID NEW, I MEANT LIKE A NEW GREEN DAY SONG.

WE PLAY GREEN DAY SONGS.

- YEAH, YOU'RE IN A COVER BAND, I TOTALLY GOT THAT,

BUT MAYBE YOU COULD ALSO BE IN, LIKE, A BAND-BAND?

- NOT INTERESTED.

SEE, WE'RE NOT LIKE THE THOUSANDS OF OTHER

BROOKLYN GROUPS, WE ACTUALLY PLAY MUSIC TO PAY OUR BILLS.

WE DON'T ALSO HAVE TO BARTEND AND GIVE SPORTS MASSAGES.

- BUT WHY NOT TRY SOMETHING NEW?

I MEAN, I NEVER LIKED ROMPERS, AND THEN ONE DAY I TRIED ONE,

NOW I'M ROMPING ALL AROUND TOWN.

LOOK, ETHAN'S SONG IS REALLY GOOD, YOU GUYS.

I'M SURE IF YOU WORKED ON IT,

YOU COULD BE BETTER THAN GREEN DAY.

- HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED TO DOOKIE

IN ITS ENTIRETY ON REALLY GOOD HEADPHONES?

- NO. - THEN YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

- HEY. - IT'S A STATEMENT OF FACT.

- OKAY, THE TOOL IN THE TANK TOP JUST CALLED ME AN IDIOT,

SO PERHAPS THIS IS A SIGN FROM GOD I SHOULD BE GOING.

- WAIT.

TINA'S RIGHT, YOU GUYS, CAN'T WE TRY ONE ORIGINAL,

AS AN ENCORE?

- [sniffs]

FINE.

WASTE OF TIME, BUT FINE.

- YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO DOOKIE, THOUGH.

- OKAY, IT IS PRESENT TIME.

- OH.

IS THAT FOR ME?

- YEAH. - IT'S VERY NICE WRAPPING.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW, I'M BAD WITH TAPE.

- LET'S SEE.

HUH.

UM, THANKS.

- WOW, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, REALLY.

- UH, YEAH, IT'S--

IT'S A GOOF GIFT, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, IM NOT SAYING YOU SMELL BAD, OR NEED RELIGION,

OR, UH, LUCK.

COME ON, LET'S SCRATCH IT OFF, SEE WHAT--

- OH.

ALL RIGHT.

[scratching]

- YAY. - OH, MY GOD. WHOA.

YOU JUST-- YOU JUST ACTUALLY WON $8.

THAT'S LIKE--IT'S LIKE AN ALMOND CROISSANT, OR SOMETHING,

AT, LIKE, A FANCY CAFE.

- UH.

[electric guitar notes droning]

- UGH. [drum crash and sticks falling]

WE ARE NEVER GONNA WRITE A BETTER SONG THAN GREEN DAY.

- CLEARLY. IT'S LIKE THE HOME BREWER

TRYING TO MAKE BETTER BEER THAN BUDWEISER.

- OH. JESUS, I AM NOT THE CHEERLEADER TYPE,

BUT FIRECRACKER. FIRECRACKER, BITCHES!

- YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING MUSICIANS AND YOU ARE IN A COVER BAND.

- WE LIVE IN A CITY WITH AN AMAZING MUSIC SCENE,

DON'T YOU WANT TO BE A PART OF IT?

WELL, DON'T YOU?

- WHATEVER. SHOW OF HANDS,

TIME OF YOUR LIFE IS AND WILL FOREVER BE

A GREEN DAY COVER BAND. AYE.

- AYE.

- AYE.

- GIRL LOSES, MUSIC WINS, TACO TIME.

- MMM.

- SORRY, BABE.

IT WAS A GREAT SPEECH, THOUGH.

WE TRIED, RIGHT?

- WELL, I'M GONNA GO TAKE A SHOWER.

WANT TO JOIN?

- IT WAS A SILLY GIFT, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

- MAYBE SHE WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING

WITH SOME ACTUAL MEANING.

- THERE WAS, I WAS MEANING TO BE FUNNY.

- [laughs] - YOU DON'T GET IT.

YOUR GIFT WAS ALL, IN QUOTES, "IRONIC,"

LIKE, "I'M SCARED TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS,

SO CHOCOLATE RELIGIOUS ICONS ARE 'FUNNY.'"

- I GOT IT.

I'LL JUST GO FIND THE PERFECT GIFT.

- OKAY, WE SHOULD GO STUDY,

BUT CAN YOU TOSS YOUR GUM FIRST?

THE WAY YOU SMACKITY-CHEW, IT HONESTLY DRIVES ME CRAZY.

- [spits]

- I GOTTA ADMIT, WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO SAY YOUR NAME,

I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED YOU MEANT BILLY JOE.

- NAH.

IN BED I'M JUST ETHAN.

- TELL ME MORE ABOUT ETHAN.

IS HE HAPPY JUST PLAYING GREEN DAY SONGS?

- YEAH. ETHAN IS PRETTY HAPPY.

I LOVE BEING BILLY JOE.

I WANT TO KEEP BEING MORE LIKE HIM.

- WELL, THE FACT THAT YOU WRITE ORIGINAL SONGS

IS MASSIVELY BILLY JOE-ISH,

'CAUSE BILLY JOE-- [kiss]

YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES?

HE PLAYS ORIGINAL SONGS THAT HE WRITES.

- SO TO BE MORE LIKE BILLY JOE,

I HAVE TO BE LESS LIKE BILLY JOE?

- EXACTLY, BUT IF ROB AND GREG KEEP TRYING TO HOLD YOU BACK,

THEN MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU GO OUT ON YOUR OWN.

IT'S SOMETHING UNPREDICTABLE, BUT IN THE END IT'S RIGHT.

- DO PEOPLE BUY THESE IRONICALLY,

OR DO THEY GENUINELY LIKE THEM?

- OY.

[cell phone ringing] - HOLA.

HEAR THIS?

IT'S THE SOUND OF A COVER BAND SLOWLY DYING.

- GREAT, LISTEN, I NEED YOUR HELP.

UM, I KINDA STRUCK OUT WITH NESS LAST NIGHT.

I BOUGHT HER THIS GOOF GIFT, AND NOT ONLY DID SHE NOT LAUGH,

BUT SHE TOOK IT LIKE I DIDN'T REALLY CARE.

SO WHAT SHOULD I GET HER?

- I DON'T KNOW. IF ALL ELSE FAILS,

JUST GET HER THE SPARKLIEST THING YOU CAN AFFORD.

- TINA!

YOU GOTTA HEAR THIS.

- I GOTTA GO BE A MUSE.

I THINK I CONVINCED ETHAN TO GO SOLO.

- WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO ACCEPT HIM

FOR WHO HE IS.

- YES, BUT I PREFER TO ACCEPT HIM

FOR WHAT HE MIGHT BE AFTER I IMPROVE HIM.

- UH, BABE, LET'S TALK.

THIS HONESTY THING HAS BEEN ROUGH.

SO WHY DON'T WE TRY TO GET EVERY HONEST COMPLAINT

OUT OF OUR SYSTEMS IN A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY,

AND, UH, MOVE ON.

- UM, ME FIRST? - YES.

- OKAY, UM,

YOU KNOW THAT THING YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR,

THAT ZOOLANDER-Y THING YOU DO? - OH, YEAH. MMM.

- [laughs] YEAH. [both laugh]

UM, WELL, IT KIND OF ANNOYS ME.

- WELL, I WILL TRY TO MONITOR ALL BLUE-STEELING IN THE FUTURE.

- MY TURN?

YOU SNORE ON OCCASION.

- OH, OKAY, I WILL--

- AND THERE ARE SOLUTIONS. UH, NASAL STRIPS, MOUTHPIECES,

IT'S LIKE SLEEPING WITH CHEWBACCA.

[imitates Wookiee call]

- [chuckling] OKAY, GREAT.

UH, ALL RIGHT. - YEAH.

- WELL, UM, YOU KNOW THAT, UH, WORLD OF WARCRAFT-ING ALL NIGHT?

WHERE'S THE GUY THAT READS BOOKS?

YOU KNOW, THOSE THINGS WITH WORDS IN THEM?

- OH, I GET THAT, BECAUSE ON THE WEEKENDS,

I'M LIKE, "WHERE'S MY GIRLFRIEND?

"OH, YEAH, THERE SHE IS,

ON THE COUCH IN THE SWEATPANTS SHE NEVER TAKES OFF."

- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO WEAR?

A CAT SUIT?

- ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T SCREAM

BORING, POST-MENOPAUSAL SOCCER MOM.

- BORING? OKAY, WELL,

I HONESTLY THOUGHT YOU WERE BORING ON OUR FIRST DATE.

THAT'S RIGHT, JAY HAD TO CONVINCE ME

TO GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE.

- OKAY.

WOW.

'CAUSE THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.

I'M GONNA GO GET A BEER.

[door closes]

- SO, GUYS, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING,

AND MY THOUGHTS THAT I'VE BEEN THINKING IS,

I THINK I WANT TO TRY PLAYING OUT ON MY OWN.

- BILLY JOE NEVER HAD A SOLO PROJECT.

- THAT'S TRUE. - STAY STRONG.

- WOW, SOUNDS GREAT, EETH. GOOD LUCK.

BUT YOU'RE OUT OF THIS BAND.

GREG AND I NEED A BILLY JOE WHO CAN COMMIT,

ONE WHO DOESN'T WEAR FAKE-ASS TATTOOS.

- THIS ONE'S REAL. - WE ALL AGREED,

NO ORIGINALS.

BUT I GUESS YOU'RE LIKE THIS MASCARA.

IT SAYS IT LENGTHENS AND THICKENS,

BUT IT ONLY THICKENS.

IT ONLY THICKENS!

EVERYBODY LIES!

NOT ME, BRO.

GOOD LUCK...

TO YOU AND YOKO.

- YEAH, THAT'S ME, YOKO. RIGHT.

- YOKO DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS A YOKO EITHER

UNTIL SHE STONE-COLD YOKO-ED THE BEATLES.

- THANKS FOR MEETING ME.

I'M SORRY ABOUT MY GIFT LAST NIGHT.

CLEARLY NOT A HOME RUN.

REALLY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE FUNNY.

BUT, UH,

HERE, I GOT YOU SOMETHING SERIOUS.

- OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

IT'S-- THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

I DO, OKAY.

GREAT JOKE, JAY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, NESS.

NESS! WHAT THE HELL?

- DON'T WORRY, SON, SHE'LL COME AROUND.

I PROPOSED FOUR TIMES BEFORE HELEN FINALLY SAID YES.

[snaps fingers] [grunts]

- * AIN'T GONNA TRY TO WIN YOUR HEART THIS TIME *

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

KIND OF LOOKS LIKE AN ENGAGEMENT RING TO ME.

- UGH! DUDE, I KEEP SCREWING UP,

BUT I REALLY LIKE THIS GIRL.

- SO TELL HER THAT.

- SHE HASN'T TOLD ME SHE LIKES ME.

- WHAT IS THIS, THIRD GRADE?

SHE HAS TO "LIKE" LIKE YOU FIRST?

AND SHE DID TELL YOU WHEN SHE INVITED YOU TO HER BIRTHDAY.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

- WHOO! [applause]

- HEY, WHERE ARE STACEY AND NESS?

OKAY.

WHILE THE REST OF YOU ARE STUMBLING THROUGH A DARK FOREST

OF SAD FEELINGS, I AM SHERPA-ING MY MAN TO SELF-REALIZATION.

- OH, HERE HE COMES NOW.

[applause]

- HELLO, NEW YORK.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD DAY.

WHO WANTS YOUR DAY TO GET A LITTLE MORE ETHAN?

[laughter] - ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD. - [clears throat]

[mellow acoustic guitar]

* SOMETIMES YOU WAKE UP

* AND YOU LOOK AT YOUR LIFE

ALL RIGHT.

* AND SOME-- AND S-- *

* AND SOME-- SORRY. SORRY.

[booing]

* AND SOMETIMES YOU THINK THAT *

* YOUR LIFE'S NOT--[coughs]-- SO GOOD *

HOLD ON. [laughs]

[clears throat]

- I FEEL SAD.

- YEAH, CAN WE LOOK AWAY? I'M GETTING HOT NECK.

- I AM YOKO.

JESUS, I YOKO-ED A COVER BAND.

- HEY.

HOW WAS THE SHOW?

- UM, AS MUCH AS YOU HATE BLACK SCIENTISTS,

I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'D THINK ETHAN WAS WORSE.

- HEY, CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?

- YEAH.

- LOOK, I HONESTLY LOVE YOU,

AND I REALIZED ON OUR SECOND DATE HOW AWESOME YOU WERE,

AND THAT YOU WEREN'T BORING ON OUR FIRST DATE, JUST NERVOUS,

WHICH I LOVE.

AND THAT SECOND DATE, HONESTLY, IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

AND--[laughs]--I THINK THIS HONESTY THING SUCKS,

SO CAN WE JUST GO BACK

TO WHITE LYING TO EACH OTHER SOMETIMES?

- [laughs] I WANT TO LIE TO YOU SO BAD,

I'M GONNA LIE THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

- [laughs] - MMM.

[kissing]

- AHH, I DON'T KNOW.

WHY WOULD WE TAKE HIM BACK?

WE MET TWO BILLY JOES TODAY, EITHER OF THEM WOULD WORK.

- ONE HAD A VAN.

- LOOK, THIS WASN'T ETHAN'S FAULT.

I PRESSURED HIM INTO GOING SOLO.

- THAT'S BIG OF HER TO SAY.

I MEAN, MOST YOKOS NEVER OWN UP TO IT.

- HE'S BACK...

ON ONE CONDITION.

YOU AND ETHAN ARE OVER.

- YEAH, OKAY. IT'S FOR THE BEST.

HE DESERVES TO BE WITH A GIRL WHO LOVES HIM FOR THE MAN HE IS.

OR AT LEAST THE MAN HE PRETENDS TO BE SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK.

- HI, UM,

BEFORE YOU, LIKE, SLAM THE DOOR IN MY FACE,

CAN I JUST SPEAK IN MY DEFENSE?

OKAY, UM,

AT YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY I TOTALLY BLEW IT.

I WAS TRYING TO BE IRONIC AND FUNNY.

PROBABLY BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID TO TELL YOU HOW I ACTUALLY FEEL.

THEN, OF COURSE, I ACCIDENTALLY PROPOSED,

AND, UM, THE LESS SAID ABOUT THAT, THE BETTER, SO...

I'M REQUESTING A DO-OVER.

I, UH, I REMEMBER YOU SAID YOU LIKED TURTLES.

IS IT CHEESY?

* GIRL YOU GOT ME WISHING

* THEY REFUND MY TUITION

* SO CAN SPEND ALL MY MONEY ON ON A SEX-PEDITION *

- * WITH YOU - * I'M WORKING *

* ON A LOVE EQUATION

[laughter]

- OH, MY GOD, I JUST MADE IN MY PANTS.

I'M NOT KIDDING. [laughs]

- YOU KNOW, THIS SONG WAS A LOT BETTER

WHEN I WAS DRINKING GRAIN ALCOHOL.

- BABE, TELL ME YOU DON'T LOVE THIS.

- OH, I LOVE YOU.

- [laughs] - IT GETS BETTER WITH TIME.

[laughter]